


With What We Once Had

by MagicalMirai



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: A/B/O themes, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Attempted Suicide, Depression, Divorce AU, Domestic Fluff, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Fear of Abandonment, Fluff, Heat Cycles, M/M, Mental Illness, More characters to be added, More tags to be added, Mutual Pining, Omegaverse, Past Mpreg, Pining, Post Divorce, Quite a lot of it, Self Harm through Reckless Behaviour, Self-Destruction, They're getting there!, Unrequited Love, mating cycle, reckless behaviour
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2019-06-11 19:24:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 158,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15322560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicalMirai/pseuds/MagicalMirai
Summary: They called it quits, over a year and a half ago. But even though he should have been expecting it, Yuuri can’t help but feel suffocated when he bumps into Victor at the Grand Prix final, whilst holding his son. The son... he never told Victor about.@psipisi deserves the BIGGEST shoutout for this fic and honestly— she’s the brains behind it all!*The character Mika belongs to Schornee on IG!*





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Español available: [Whit What We Once Had (con lo que una vez tuvimos.)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18427047) by [AnneKatsuforov](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnneKatsuforov/pseuds/AnneKatsuforov)



> Hello! Welcome to my second multi-chapter fic! I intended to wrap up DMHA first (if you haven’t read it please check it out!) but I couldn’t help myself! 
> 
> BIGGGG thank you to Psipisi, who has helped me formulate a lot of ideas for this fic!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s Mika’s first birthday!

September 2nd, 2019, Hasetsu – Mikaela Katsuki’s first birthday. 

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Mika, happy birthday to you.” Yuuri’s quiet voice cooed as Mika babbled in his lap, staring in awe at the little chocolate cake in front of him, complete with some frosting rosettes and a single candle. “Do you want to blow it out, Mika?” Yuuri asked, and Mika babbled again, as if he understood. “Let’s blow it out together.” Yuuri shaped his lips into a small “o” and blew the candle out, smiling softly as Mika laughed, his hands and arms flailing. 

“The year has gone by so fast.” Hiroko commented. “Happy birthday, Mika!” She gave him a big kiss on the forehead, smiling in delight at the infant as she handed him a small stuffed elephant. 

“Happy birthday squirt.” Mari smiled, ruffling the soft tufts of hair. “This year for your birthday I gave up smoking for you.” She joked lovingly. 

“I really appreciate it, Mari-nee.” Yuuri said fondly as he watched Mika squish and squeeze the poor elephant. “And this last present is from uncle Peach.” Yuuri chuckled, handing Mika a stuffed hamster. 

Over the last year Yuuri had learnt that Mika absolutely loved anything soft and fluffy, stuffed toys, blankets, anything that he could smoosh his face into and dribble all over. 

“He’s so chubby and cute now! Happy birthday Mika!” Yuuko handed Yuuri a large box, which Yuuri could only assume was full of stuffed toys and soft things and maybe some baby supplies. “The girls picked these out, so I hope he likes them. They said they’re sorry they can’t make it, and Takeshi said he’ll stop by to wish him happy birthday once he’s closed up the rink.”

“I’m sure he’ll love them. Thank you all so much.” Yuuri sniffled with a happy smile. 

“You can have your present when you turn three, Mika, I’ll be teaching you how to dance.” Minako joked, kissing his forehead. Lilia flared at her. 

“Excuse me Minako, but I think you have some competition.” Lilia smirked and Minako chuckled. 

“Are you gonna teleport to teach him?” Minako snorted and well, Lilia couldn’t really disagree with that.

“You never know, I might. Happy birthday, Mikaela.” Lilia smiled as she handed her present to Yuuri. He opened it, carefully pulling back the wrapping paper to unveil some baby grows and a fluffy mink baby blanket.

“Thank you, Madame. For coming over for Mika’s birthday.” Yuuri said quietly as Hiroko stood and took the cake to the kitchen to be cut. Realising they needed a moment alone, Mari and Toshiya cleared out of the living room, dragging Yuuko with them. “It really means a lot to us to have you to celebrate with.” Yuuri smiled weakly. “And thank you especially for being here when I needed someone the most.” Yuuri sighed. 

“How have you been coping?” Lilia asked as Yuuri gently played with the soft strands of Mika’s her hair and plump cheeks. 

“To be honest, carrying Mika and giving birth to him was literally the worst part of my life. It was such a stressful time but he’s been such a joy for the last year. Worth every ounce of hardship if you ask me. Now though? Pretty well. Mom has been a huge help. Sometimes I feel terrible about relying on her, but she always reassured me that it’s not a problem at all.” He laughed, bouncing Mika on his lap. 

“It’s my pleasure Yuuri. Sometimes disappearing for a week can be a bit of a pain back home but it’s worth it to see Mika. I’m glad you’re all well. May I?” Lilia asked, holding her arms out and with a fond face, Yuuri stood up and handed Mika to her to cradle. 

“Is Mika going to stay at home when you’re competing? It’s your first competition in October, right? Skate America.” Yuuri nodded. 

“Mika will be coming with me to competitions. As a responsible mother I have to make sure that Mika gets the attention he needs, and that we bond well. So I’ve made the decision to take him with me. I already got him some noise cancelling headphones, so he will be safe. To be honest I was a little concerned at first because he’s so young but the GP assured me that as long as he wears noise cancelling headphones it will be okay.” Yuuri explained as he watched Lilia hold him with a gentle smile on her face as Mika continued to chew and nibble at the elephant’s ear. Teething must be difficult, Yuuri thought, as he remembered his poor son crying and hysterical the other week for no reason other than a few front teeth. 

“Besides, Stephane said he wouldn’t mind holding him while I skated or helping me to look after him while I’m busy, so I think it will be okay.” Yuuri continued before he remembered something else. “Oh and also, I never had a chance to thank you for choreographing my free skate. Thank you, Madame. It took me a while to get right, but I think it’s perfect.” He sighed contently. The atmosphere was warm, loving and full of joy. Even if something was missing, Yuuri felt so whole with Mika, like the void in his heart had been filled. 

“But no one else knows you’ve had a child, no? Just us and Phichit.” Yuuri cringed at the observation, but she was very, very right. No one knew he was pregnant, let alone had given birth. That information remained between Yuuri’s very close family and friends in Hasetsu, Lilia, and Phichit. Yuuri shook his head away. 

“No, so I guess I’m preparing myself for questions. Too many questions. After all, everyone still thinks I’m dead or missing; no one has seen me for a year and a half. Suddenly I turn up with a new coach and a baby.” Yuuri almost laughed at how… bizarre the whole situation was. Yuuri had sworn Lilia to secrecy; no one would know about Mika and she would not tell a soul about him. 

“You’ll be alright. How’s your short? Stephane is a great choreographer so I can’t wait to see it.” 

“Oh, that’s great too. Stephane was hesitant at first with what I picked at first, but I chose something that perfectly reflected on my life. It was a great decision, it’s perfect.” Stephane Lambiel – retired Olympic silver medalist, former European and World champion, and now, a coach and choreographer currently residing in Hasetsu, Japan. 

“I’m glad to hear. Speaking of which, where is Stephane?” Lilia asked as she looked around for the missing coach. 

“Oh, he’s back in Switzerland at the moment, he figured since I’m the only one he’s coaching he may as well set up base here for now. So he’s away sorting some stuff out.” Yuuri explained, and at that moment, Hiroko emerged from the kitchen with a neatly cut cake, Minako following behind with cutlery. 

“We have cake! Who wants some?” Mari asked as she emerged from the kitchen too. 

“No doubt Mika will want some.” Yuuri smiled fondly as Lilia handed him back to Yuuri. “How are your teeth, baby? Still bothering you?” Mika gurgled, drooling all over Yuuri’s shirt. Chuckling, Yuuri wiped his mouth. “I’m sure some cake will soothe those poor teeth of yours, baby.” Yuuri picked up a tiny piece of cake on a small spoon and coaxed Mika to open wide. “Ahh-“ Yuuri spoon-fed Mika the piece of cake before taking a bite himself of the soft, velvety chocolate cake. 

“Mmh. It’s been a while since I indulged in a good piece of cake. I’m sure Stephane won’t mind.” Yuuri laughed as he swallowed, picking up another bit for Mika. 

“I think you’ll find he will mind when you start getting that off season belly during the season.” Mari snorted, smirking as he watched Yuuri splutter. 

“T-that won’t happen!” Yuuri protested, and Hiroko laughed at the small tiff between Mari and Yuuri. “Besides, I don’t get to indulge that often.” He poured with a huff before turning his attention to Lilia. “When are you flying home, Madame?” Yuuri asked. 

“Tomorrow night, my flight leaves at eight o’clock sharp. Why do you ask?” 

“I was wondering if you’d like some company to the airport?” Lilia smiled at the suggestion. 

“That’d be great, Yuuri.” Yuuri seemed relieved by the response as he continued to feed Mika the last bits of his cake. Immediately after swallowing the last bit, Mika yawned. 

“Are you tired, baby?” Mika grumbled, closing his eyes and Yuuri kissed his forehead, standing back up to gently rock him. “Do you mind if I just put Mika to bed? I’ll be back down.” Yuuri said, heading for the door. 

“Good night, Mika!” 

“Night, squirt!” 

“Night night, Mika.” 

“Good night, Mikaela.” Mika cooed and grumbled and gurgled at the mention of his name, and he smiled weakly, his front teeth just showing. 

“Come on, let’s get you to bed, baby boy.” Yuuri closed the door to the sitting room and climbed the stairs, heading for the large banquet room-turned-bedroom, where Yuuri and Mika had relocated themselves for more room. Yuuri stepped into the room and settled Mika down in his cot, covering him with the blanket. 

“Good night, baby boy. Mummy loves you, aunt Mari loves you, oba-chan loves you, oji-san loves you. Everyone loves you, Mika. Good night.” Yuuri leaned over the edge of the cot and kissed his forehead. He sat down on the end of the bed, his hand through the railings as Mika grabbed hold of his finger, tiny, chubby fingers wrapping themselves around Yuuri’s index finger. 

As he watched his son fall asleep tears began to well in his eyes. He gritted his teeth, willing the tears away as he smiled wearily, wiping his tears with his free hand. He stared around at the large room, the drawers to the left housing Mika’s baby things, the drawers to the right with his own. There was a desk that had been moved from his old room to this one in the corner, and various baby pictures of Mika. In the middle of the room was a double bed. One where two people once laid. 

When Mika had fallen asleep, Yuuri gently released his finger, kissing the chubby hand. 

“Good night, solnyshko.” And Yuuri stood up, quietly closing the door as he left the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:  
> Idk I haven’t really decided on the order of events yet lol.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri, Mika And Stephane are on their way to Skate America.   
> Yuuri speaks about his thoughts, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

“Mom? We’ll be going now.” Yuuri stood by the entrance of the inn, Mika in one arm and his suitcase in his free hand. Stephane stood just beyond the doorway, waiting for Yuuri to finish his goodbyes. 

“Hold on, coming!” Hiroko bounded over to the doorway to great Yuuri, giving her son a big kiss on the forehead before giving Mika a kiss too. “Skate well and come back safe. Dad says bye but he’s busy at the moment.” Hiroko smiled, giving Mika’s chubby cheeks a quick squeeze. 

“Tell dad we said bye too.” Yuuri smiled back, gently bouncing Mika in his arm as he slept on Yuuri’s shoulder. “See you, Mari!” He called back into the inn, just past Hiroko, waiting for a response. 

“Bye, squirts! See you – come home safe and win us a medal.” She called back from the hallway, her head peaking out from behind a door. 

“Will do. We’ll be home in a week before my next competition.” Yuuri chuckled lightheartedly as he watched Mari’s head disappear back into the room. 

“Is Mika okay to fly that often?” Hiroko asked in concern, well aware that as a skater Yuuri would be flying quite often. 

“Yeah. Doctor gave me the a-okay. But if he ever gets maybe too exhausted and tired and it’s really affecting him then he’ll have to stay at home. In the meantime though, I’d like to keep him close.” Yuuri explained as he ran his hand up and down a sleeping Mika’s back. 

“Good. Phone me if you need something, anything.” Hiroko released a sigh of relief as Yuuri swung Mika’s baby bag over his shoulder. 

“I will, don’t worry. I’ll be home soon. Bye mom.” Yuuri gave her one last big hug before leaving. 

“Bye.” Hiroko closed the door behind Yuuri. 

“Ready?” Stephane asked as he opened the taxi door for Yuuri. 

“Yeah.” Yuuri climbed into the taxi , strapping Mika into the taxi’s car seat. “Did I put Mika’s carrier in the boot just in case?” Yuuri asked, unable to remember if he’d already loaded it into the trunk. 

“Yeah, it’s there. Though I don’t think you’ll need it really, taxi to the airport, taxi from the airport, two minute walk to the arena… I guess you’ll need it in the airport though.” Stephane explained with a soft chuckle. 

“You’re right. I’d rather have it just in case though, like you said, going through the airport.” Yuuri chuckled, bringing his hand to Mika’s head, gently stroking his soft hair.   
———————————————————————  
Partway through the car journey Mika began to stir, letting out little groans and mumbles as his hands flailed.   
“It’s okay, baby.” Yuuri allowed Mika to grab onto his finger, his tiny fingertips digging into the meat of Yuuri’s finger. Yuuri’s heart overfilled with love. This baby he carried for nine months as a single mother. He gave birth to Mika after suffering an emotional trauma and this baby just gave him so much life he once lost. Yuuri smiled as Mika cried quietly, partly in fatigue and partly in frustration.

“Shh, shh. We’ll be out soon.” Yuuri smiled, allowing Mika to take small nibbles at his finger. Part of Mika’s frustration was teething. His bottom teeth were coming through, and Yuuri thought they must be painful. Out from the baby bag Yuuri pulled out a silicone teething ring. “Here, baby. Have a nibble on this.” Yuuri used the toy to gently coax apart Mika’s lips, who eventually took the toy in his small hands, his cries soon quieting.

Soon enough, they arrived at the airport. Yuuri got out of the taxi and removed Mika from the car seat, swinging the baby bag over his shoulder while Stephane got their suitcases.   
“They’ll be a lot of questions, you know. Are you ready?” Stephane asked as he closed the boot of the taxi. He pulled out the baby carrier, allowing Yuuri to strap Mika in. 

“Yeah. It’ll be okay.” Yuuri tried to take his suitcase in his hands, as well as the baby carrier, but Stephane wouldn’t allow it. “I can just ignore them, right?” Yuuri asked, suddenly slightly feeling a little bit sick.

“Let me take that. Focus on Mika.” Stephane said, taking Yuuri’s suitcase from his all-but-free hand. 

“Yes coach.” Yuuri laughed, allowing Stephane to take his luggage as he carried Mika’s carrier in one hand, and baby bag in the other. 

“You can ignore them if you like, or I can tell them to go away, whatever you’d like.” Stephane smiled as they headed into the airport. 

“I just want what’s best for Mika…” Yuuri followed Stephane’s lead, baby in hand, and one step into the airport had Yuuri completely bombarded.

“Skater Katsuki, do you have anything to say about your sudden disappearance a year and a half ago?” The wager voice of the reporter sent chills down Yuuri’s spine, suddenly making him feel nervous and itchy. He felt the urge to scratch at his skin, his fingernails digging into the arm that held Mika’s baby carrier. 

“Mr. Katsuki, who is the baby you are currently holding?” Yuuri gulped, trying his hardest not to think about said father as he swallowed tears that threatened to fall. His head was beginning to spin as Yuuri took heavy breaths, calming his pounding heart. “Are they your child? Adopted or not? What’s their name? Are they a boy or a girl?” Question after question made Yuuri feel like he was drowning. For once, just for once in his life, he wanted to keep something to himself and only himself without anyone finding out anything. He just wanted to be left alone. Why couldn’t they focus more on his professional life rather than his personal life?

“Just keep going.” Stephane whispered as Yuuri desperately tried to stop his legs shaking. His heart pounded, his fingers gripping tightly onto the handle of the baby carrier. He could feel anxious tears creeping into his eyes as he kept his legs moving. “It’s alright, keep moving.” 

“Skater Katsuki how do you feel after coming back into competition after your divorce?” That hit a nerve. A very, very big nerve. There was so much emotional trauma no one knew about that still haunted him every night and plagued him every day. So many events had happened in the last year and a half and they snapped and tore and shattered his heart, and Yuuri wasn’t even sure he’d ever be strong enough to face anything like he’d experienced ever again. He stopped in his tracks, turning around with gritted teeth. 

“I have nothing to say to you.” Yuuri expressed with biting emphasis on “nothing”. But they continued to persist. 

“Stephane, what made you choose to coach skater Katsuki?” This time, it was Stephane’s turn to answer. 

“I was in need of a student to coach, and Yuuri was in need of a mentor. Simple as that.” Stephane answered, cold and truthful before turning back around to lead Yuuri to the check in desk. 

“Are you okay?” Yuuri took a deep breath, handing his and Mika’s passports over to the desk clerk, Stephane handing her his passport too. 

“Y-yeah. Yeah, I’m okay.” Yuuri let out a gentle sigh as he watched Mika sleep. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah… I’m fine.” Yuuri cracked a weary smile as they checked in, allowing Stephane to put their cases on the conveyer belt. 

“Your luggage is all checked in, so follow the signs to security. Enjoy your flight.” Releasing a tired sigh, Yuuri and Stephane proceeded through security.   
———————————————————————  
Yuuri stood, holding and trying to calm a crying Mika.   
“Shh, it’s alright baby, mommy’s here.” He gently bounced Mika up and down ever so slightly in his arms as he ran his hand down the soft fabric of his onesie. The onesie was brown, the back end had a fluffy tail sewn to it, and the hood had ears and a bear’s nose, and the hands and feet were decorated with the pads of bear’s paws, gifted from Lilia. “It’s okay baby, shh…” Yuuri hushed Mika calmly as he clung to Yuuri’s shoulder, soaking the shoulder of his long sleeved sports top. 

Eventually Mika calmed down, falling asleep on Yuuri’s shoulder. Yuuri sighed contently, pressing a kiss to Mika’s forehead.   
“Is he okay?” Stephane asked, standing to take sleeping Mika from Yuuri to allow him to stretch a little. 

Yuuri took Mika back with a quiet thanks, strapping him into the baby carrier.   
“Yeah. He’s alright – I think he’s just a bit tired, plus probably in pain from teething.” Yuuri sighed softly, sitting down next to Stephane and gently stroking Mika’s soft, plump cheeks as the carrier sat next to him. 

“I think you’d both better get an early night tonight, especially you.” Stephane replies, ruffling Yuuri’s hair. “It’s tiring, raising a child as a single parent.” Stephane commented as Yuuri stared in awe at Mika. 

“Yeah. But I’ve had a lot of help, from my parents, from Mari-nee, from my friends. From you, too.” Yuuri smiled contently. “So I guess it’s been okay. Great, actually. I guess I’d have loved to have Victor here too, but I suppose I’ve just learnt to live with the fact that I’m on my own and he’s never coming back.” Yuuri’s gaze averted to the floor as he chewed his lip nervously, willing himself not to cry. He’d spent far too long crying over something, someone, who showed him they weren’t worth his tears. 

“You never really… spoke about it, so if you ever want to… you know, talk about it with me, I’m all ears.” Stephane offered politely, but unwilling to push Yuuri to tell him anymore. “It’s not easy to talk about, I know. So if you never feel ready to talk about it, that’s fine too.” 

“I… I know, thanks, coach. To be honest I’ve kept it relatively to myself. I never spoke about it at all to anyone until I ended up in hospital, but even so I didn’t tell anyone much.” Yuuri felt so small and vulnerable, already on the verge of tears that he promised himself wouldn’t fall. 

“I know you aren’t together anymore, but just because it didn’t last, doesn’t mean that your love meant nothing either.” Stephane offered as they stood, Yuuri picking up Mika’s carrier as they moved to the queue to board their flight. 

“I know but it just… hurts. Knowing that I spent so long truly loving someone who just didn’t feel like I was worth the effort to make it work with me. I just feel so pathetic.” Yuuri huffed as their boarding passes got scanned, trying his hardest to force down any feelings he had.

Yuuri sighed as he continued to gently touch Mika’s cheek. “Maybe one day… when it hurts less and when I’ve forgiven myself I will be able talk about it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:   
> Upon his arrival in Lake Placid, New York, Yuuri is bombarded by news reporters.   
> He skates his short program, and old wounds are opened up.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An article catches Victor’s eye  
> Yuuri skates his short program

“Skater Katsuki Yuuri finally reappears into the spotlight after disappearing for a year and a half, with a child?” Victor read the headline of the article out loud, catching Yurio’s attention. 

“Katsuki Yuuri seemingly disappeared off the face of the earth following his divorce to coach and fellow competitor Victor Nikiforov, until today where he was seen at Fukuoka Airport on the way to Lake Placid, New York for Skate America. Katsuki seemed to be travelling with new coach, Stephane Lambiel, and… a baby.” Victor gritted his teeth as he read the rest of the article. 

“You need to get over him. And yourself.” Yurio commented with the click of his teeth, almost growling, but Victor drowned him out. 

“Katsuki refuses to answer any questions relating to the child’s other parent, age, or even name. Speculation surrounding the child’s father has led many fans and supporters to believe that Victor Nikiforov could be the child’s father, however he has made no statement on these claims whatsoever.” Victor’s breath hitched. He began to question everything – Victor had a child? He had so, so many questions. Victor wanted to text Yuuri and ask so many different things but then he remembered. 

After their divorce Yuuri cut all ties. He deleted all his social media accounts, moved back to Japan, and changed his phone number. It was so painful for Victor to know that Yuuri could let go so easily and delete Victor’s number not even a week after they split. Victor remembered the very last time he’d tried to phone.  
——————————————————————  
“The number you have dialled is currently unavailable. Please try again later.” Victor sat on the sofa of their— his home, trying endlessly to phone Yuuri. It had been three days since Victor had last heard from him – no texts, no calls, he didn’t even come home. Tears began to fall down Victor’s cheeks as he gritted his teeth, holding his head in his hands as he tried again and again to phone Yuuri. 

But then again what could he expect? No one wants come home to a… husband… who just asked for a divorce. No one wants to phone or text someone who promised them forever, only to ask for a divorce almost two and a half years later. No one wants to talk to someone as… pathetic as Victor was. Victor threw his phone on the floor, the message on the phone replaying and replaying over and over like a broken record.  
——————————————————————  
Victor pulled his head away from the depressing memory and he closed the article on his phone. For the first time in a year and a half Victor was ever so tempted to look back at their wedding photos. 

They used to look at them together at night, sat in bed – “This is the face I never want to forget, you, after your vows.” “Remember this, Vitya? When you almost got food down your shirt?” “You know, I still can’t believe you tried to sneak your French beans onto my plate at our wedding breakfast, Vitya.” 

Hesitant fingers opened the photos on his phone and his thumb hovered over the album “21st December – The Love Of My Life”. He remembered after the divorce that every time he got distracted or wasn’t focussed during coaching because of Yuuri, Yakov made him delete one photo in order to “get over it”, so to speak. 

But this album he could not bring himself to delete. This album held their wedding photos and their wedding video. Each photo from Yuuri’s suit hung on the frame of the door, to their first kiss as a married couple. He was about to open the album when— 

“Don’t you even dare.” Yurio snarled, as if he were a mind reader. “Stop it. You fucked up and it’s a year and a half too late to realise it. So suck it up.” And yes, Yurio has a point – Victor had fucked up, and that’s what made everything so much worse, so much more unbearable. This whole ordeal would have been so much easier to get over if Yuuri just fell out of love with him, but of course, nothing in life is ever that simple.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri was in the last group to skate. He came out from behind the curtain, skates on and Mika in hand following Stephane and stood at the sidelines, waiting for their cue to step on the ice for warm up. Mika was currently asleep, a tiny woolly beanie on his head, followed by some fluffy earmuffs. He was in another fluffy onesie, a white one this time, in the style of a polar bear, with a soft white tail and paws. Yuuri held Mika against his shoulder until the announcement for the six minute warm up. 

Yuuri took a deep breath as Stephane took Mika from his arms, holding him against his own shoulder as Yuuri pressed a kiss to the baby’s head. He pulled back, pulling off his skate guards and putting them on the foam barriers before stepping onto the ice. It felt weird. Yuuri wasn’t sure how he felt about being back on the competitive ice, the ice which once held so many beautiful memories – memories of which turned sour. To be honest, Yuuri… hated this feeling. He almost despised being on the ice. It just held so many negative connotations that Yuuri wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to enjoy the ice again. 

But his sole motivation was Mika. He’d step on this ice and skate like nothing happened, like he didn’t almost hate it, just for Mika. To show Mika that Yuuri isn’t just a typical omega mother, but that’s he’s strong and powerful and brave. Yuuri spent the six minutes skating laps around the rink, and doing various jumps. He fell on a quadruple salchow, but it was no big deal. 

Yuuri could jump every quadruple jump but the axel. He incorporated every quad at least once throughout both his short program and free program. With the exception of one jump. Stephane forbade Yuuri from jumping a quadruple flip. Because when they first began training together every time Yuuri tried the flip, he either fell, or cried. Or both. It was such an emotionally taxing jump that Stephane had forbidden him from jumping it, telling Yuuri it would help him heal. And Stephane was right – being on the ice would be so much more painful if that jump was constantly on his mind. 

After the six minute warm up Yuuri stepped off the ice and took Mika back in his arms as he waited for his turn. He sat next to Stephane, staring in awe at some of the other seniors in the group. To be honest, he wasn’t all too familiar with many of the skaters at Skate America, but he knew that at the Rostelecom Cup he’d at least be competing with Minami Kenjirou and Phichit Chulanont. He was very nervous to see both skaters, especially Phichit. They’d spoken over the phone and by text but Yuuri hadn’t seen him face to face since the Grand Prix final… three months before his divorce. 

But that’s not what scared Yuuri the most. Nothing scared him more than the Grand Prix final – no doubt that Yuri Plisetsky would gain himself a place, and with Yurio came his coach, Victor Nikiforov. Yuuri was actually pretty excited to see Yurio again but just this burning pit of anxiety and guilt filled his empty stomach at the thought of seeing Victor. There was also no question about the fact that Yurio would for sure kick him in the head for never contacting him. But how could he contact someone so close to Victor? 

Yuuri remembered on their wedding day when he threw the bouquet of flowers and they hit Yurio on the head. Yurio was angry, but secretly smiled as Yuuri and Victor laughed at him. Yuuri desperately wished he could laugh like that again. Joke like that again. Yuuri desperately wished he could love like that again.

After twenty minutes of Yuuri chewing at his nerves it was finally time for him to step on the ice. Standing, Stephane took Mika once more as Yuuri slipped his skate guards off and stripped his training jacket off.

“You’ll be great, Yuuri. Let’s win a gold medal.” Stephane encouraged, holding Mika. 

“Yes, coach.” Yuuri’s smile was ferocious and determined.

Yuuri’s costume had a white top part with a deep V cut out of the front and back, rhinestones and crystals and feathers decorating the cutout. The embellishments traces down the black pants of the costume, crystals spiralling around his leg. The costume gleamed and shined in Yuuri’s costume closet. He was so proud of it – this costume he designed himself, he’d drawn everything from scratch and enjoyed every minute of watching its making. 

There were many previous prototypes that joined his closet full of old costumes, each costume he’d ever worn from his junior days until now was stored in that closet. Only three costumes were kept locked away in another closet. Three costumes that once represented his marriage, three costumes that were paired together with his husb— ex husband’s costumes when they skated at the exhibition. Three costumes that once represented his entire life would never see the light of day again. 

Yuuri stepped on the ice and took his starting position. 

“I heard, that you're settled down,  
That you found a girl and you're, married now.  
I heard, that your dreams came true,  
I guess she gave you things,  
I didn't give to you.  
Old friend, why are you so shy?  
Ain't like you to hold back,  
Or hide from the light.”

Yuuri drowned out the crowd. Closing his eyes, he ignored everyone watching him except for his son. This song… it reminded him of Victor. He’d chosen it in hopes of being able to let go of everything once and for all on the ice, as he did best. Stephane was reluctant at first, certain that it would hurt Yuuri more and pull his focus away too much. But Yuuri showed him that he needed this to move on, to get on with his life. He needed to do this not for Mika, not for Victor, but for himself. This season was about him letting go.

“I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but I  
Couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it.  
I had hoped you'd see my face,  
And that you be reminded that for me it isn't over…”

Sometimes, when you hold on too tight to a rope, your hands get covered in burns and sores. They turn red, they become painful, and they hurt. The same thing happens when you cling too hard onto a part of your past. Yuuri found that out the hard way, but it was just so difficult to let go of someone he admired for fifteen years, loved for three years, and longed for for almost two years. 

“Never mind I'll find someone like you…  
I wish nothing but the best,  
For you too, don't forget me.  
I beg, I'll remember you said,  
Sometimes it lasts in love,  
But sometimes it hurts instead.  
Sometimes it lasts in love,  
But sometimes it hurts instead yeah.”

Yuuri pulled himself into his first combination jump, a triple loop triple toe. He landed perfectly on the edge of his blade, smiling to himself. It felt so good landing these jumps. Yuuri thought he’d never be able to enjoy skating again, but he proved himself wrong. When Yuuri was about to quit everything it was Lilia who made him stay. Lilia made him keep skating and keep dancing to prove to himself that he could live without Victor. To show Victor what he’s made of.

“You know how the time flies,  
Only yesterday it was the time of our lives.  
We were born and raised,  
In a summer haze bound by the surprise,  
Of our glory days.”

The rink was silent, apart from the sound track and the echo of Yuuri’s blades. This year his blades were rose gold. He couldn’t bring himself to bring back the gold blades he’d had for the past four or five seasons, however, when Stephane suggested rose gold blades, Yuuri accepted, saying it would be nice to have a change. Yuuri spread his thighs and pulled his body into an Ina Bauer, Yuuri’s favourite element. Every other element of skating Yuuri ever loved because of Victor was ruined for him. He found himself almost crying when he jumped a quadruple flip, when he did a Biellmann spin, when he did a butterfly jump. But Yuuri would not let Victor destroy the way he performed the Ina Bauer. To Yuuri, the Ina Bauer was the most important element in expressing his emotions and right now, Yuuri needed that more than ever. 

“I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but I  
Couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it.  
I hoped you'd see my face,  
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over…”

Yuuri launches himself into a quadruple salchow, the roar of the crowd barely hitting Yuuri’s ears as he pulled his back leg up, arching his back as he held onto his blade, his body beautifully formed as he span a Biellmann spin. Tears pricked Yuuri’s eyes as he instantly thought back to the first time he did a Biellmann in front of Victor. 

He span, Victor watching from beside him with a loving (if it could ever have even been called that) smile. As Yuuri came to a slow spin and lowered his leg, Victor immediately came up behind him, hugging him by the waist. Yuuri remembered the burn of those large hands on his waist, those that once felt so secure now made him feel vulnerable. “That was beautiful, Yuuri. I could watch you forever…” Yuuri scoffed at those words. Forever his ass. They couldn’t even make three years of marriage before Victor got tired of him. 

“Never mind I'll find someone like you…  
I wish nothing but the best for you too,  
Don't forget me I beg, I'll remember you said,  
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead…”

Yuuri had always sworn to protect himself from anything and everything. But then Victor came along. Victor came along and smashed all four concrete walls down with a sledge hammer and pulled Yuuri out of his shell. Yuuri just… blindly fell for him and every day Yuuri kicks himself in the teeth for being so easy to pull along. 

“Nothing compares no worries or cares,  
Regrets and mistakes their memories made.  
Who would have known how bittersweet,  
This would taste…  
Never mind I'll find someone like you,  
I wish nothing but the best for you.  
Don't forget me I beg, I'll remember you said,  
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead…”

What Yuuri hated the most was that despite everything, Yuuri still loved Victor. Yuuri still loved him and he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to stop loving him. But what’s the point if he doesn’t love Yuuri back? It was such a stab in the heart that Yuuri fell for someone who played with his feelings like they were a piano. Angry and upset still, Yuuri launched himself into one more jump – the triple axel. Lifting himself forwards, he rotated three and a half times before landing on the edge of his blade, mentally cheering for himself. His success rate for the triple axel wasn’t quite as high as some of his other jumps, so to land it whilst angry and frustrated was for sure an achievement for Yuuri. 

“Never mind I'll find someone like you.  
I wish nothing but the best for you too,  
Don't forget me I beg, I'll remember you said,  
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.  
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead…”

Yuuri’s Free leg crossed behind the ankle of his spinning leg as he brought himself into a scratch spin, both arms above his head as he stared at the bright ceiling of the arena. He smiled, bringing his thoughts back to the crowd, back to Mika. As he took his final position, silent tears fell from his cheeks as he panted, various plush toys falling from the skies, ranging from sushi pieces, giant food ideas, and… Makkachin. He stared at the Makkachin tissue box, smiling before he realised that he was no longer entitled to carry that tissue box anymore. It seemed like he’d never be able to escape Victor’s shadow. With a defeated sigh, he skated off the ice and slipped his skate guards back on, immediately taking a still sleeping Mika from Stephane. 

“Hi, baby. You must be tired.” Mika was the only thing that made Yuuri genuinely smile. The way his cheeks puffed out when he slept, the way he grabbed Yuuri’s fingers, the way he clawed at Yuuri’s now less developed breast when he was hungry. Everything about this child made the omega smile. With one last glance at Mika, Yuuri moved over to the Kiss and Cry bench and sat himself down next to Stephane, staring at the huge screen. 

“The score for Yuuri Katsuki is one hundred and five point four seven. A new seasons best.” Yuuri smiled wearily. Of course it was a new seasons best, it was his first competition of the season. Regardless, he let out a content sigh as Stephane hugged him.

“That was great, Yuuri. Let’s see if we can get that even higher next time.” Stephane encouraged as he ruffled Yuuri’s hair. “Good job.” 

“Thanks, coach.”  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri sat at the conference table next to Stephane, Mika asleep in the carrier on the chair next to him. He was almost certain that every single question would be about his personal life and absolutely nothing to do with his skating. 

“Remember, you don’t have to answer them. If you want, I’ll help you answer them.” Stephane offered quietly as he watched Yuuri’s nervous antics. 

“Yes please. I just wish they’d keep their nose out of my private life.” Yuuri huffed. 

“The first question is for Skater Katsuki. How do you feel about being back on the ice after almost two years?” Oh, fairly reasonable question to start with, much to Yuuri’s surprise. 

“Umm… I thought I’d really struggle, but in the end, nothing much has changed. I still feel at home on the ice, like I can finally be myself. So I guess how I feel hasn’t changed.” Yuuri answered. What a lie. It had completely changed. He now felt vulnerable on the ice, like he could be read like an open book. But Yuuri was working on it. Yuuri was working on suppressing those feelings. 

“Is there a reason you have chosen to take your child to competitions with you?” Again, a relatively reasonable question, since literally no other skater had a child, and if they did, they for sure never brought them to competition. 

“Yes.” Yuuri answered. “I feel like as a responsible parent it is important for me to keep my child as close to me as possible. As a skater travelling so much, it would not be good for our bond if I were to leave him with my family.” Yuuri explained, taking a breath. “With regards to why I did not retire to raise him, the answer is simple. I still have something to prove to myself and to my son.”

“Will you tell us anymore about your son? Perhaps his name, or age? Or even his other parent.” And Yuuri’s hope for reasonable questions did not last long. 

“No comment.” 

“What was the reason behind your divorce from former coach and competitor Victor Nikiforov?” Yuuri gritted his teeth, his breath hitching at the question as he chewed his lip between his teeth, his fist clenching in anxiousness. Stephane could see it hit a nerve. 

“That question is too personal and we ask that you refrain from asking any more questions about Yuuri’s personal life.” Yuuri let out a sigh of relief and flashed Stephane a thankful smile. 

“What is your theme for this season, Mr Katsuki?” Yuuri was hesitant. 

“My theme this season… is love.” 

“But was that not your theme a few seasons ago?” A curious voice asked. 

“It was, but this season… it has an entirely different meaning to me.” Yuuri responded, his gaze averting to the table, and then to his son. 

“Are you prepared for your free skate in two days time? What should we expect?” 

“To be honest, even I’m not sure what to expect. But I am very prepared to show the world what I am capable of.” Yuuri said proudly with a fierce smile, motivated and determined to win. To show the whole world that he is not weak. That he cannot be kicked down. Yuuri needed that gold medal around his next in two months time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri’s short program is Someone Like You - Adele
> 
> Next Chap;  
> Yuuri’s free program!  
> A small snippet into Yuuri’s life as a mother.  
> More do Victor realising he fucked up (TM)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri skates his FS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO I know I said it’d be a while before I update BUT this chapter was SO CLOSE to being done I couldn’t leave it! So I decided to finish it and post it!

Victor couldn’t tear his eyes away from the TV screen. In fact, he wasn’t even sure where his eyes were supposed to be looking. First they were focussed on Yuuri holding Mika, then on Mika in Stephane’s arms, and then Yuuri on the ice. Victor found himself fixated on Yuuri’s face as he skated. He chewed on his bottom lip as he noticed how Makkachin, seated on his lap, also stared in awe. As if she recognised the face that she once used to wake up every morning to. 

Victor felt horrible, horrible guilt building up in his stomach, the fact that his own selfishness tore his family apart. Victor wondered if Makkachin would have loved him. If Yuuri’s son would go to sleep every night with Victor’s face being the last thing he saw. If he would have woken up every morning to Makkachin’s face. There were a lot of things Victor wondered about – how Yuuri was coping, how his life had changed. There was so much that Victor could have done differently and these questions wouldn’t be spiralling around in his head if he just paid Yuuri that little bit more attention. 

Victor remembered the day he asked Yuuri for a divorce.

“Is this what you want?” God, why did he have to ask? Yuuri’s voice was trembling as he looked at the floor. He was so quiet and fragile and vulnerable and… Victor could see he was trying so hard not to cry. The way his bottom lip quivered between his teeth. The way his eyes welled up and his nose turned red. The way he clenched his shaking fists and stared at the floor. Everything about this broke Victor’s heart and suddenly… he regretted everything.

“It is.” 

Yuuri turned around and headed up the stairs. Victor wanted to chase him but how could he? He stared at the bottom of the staircase and soon enough, Yuuri re-emerged with a suitcase, the same one he came to Russia with. Yuuri didn’t acknowledge him at all. He took his suitcase and left through the front door, posting his house keys back through the letter slot along with his wedding ring and his engagement ring.

Ever since that day Victor kept both rings in a music box, padlocked shut at the back of the closet they used to share, the only fragments of Yuuri’s life with Victor that remained.

He couldn’t think anymore. Victor pulled his head away from the painful memory as he continued to watch Yuuri’s short. This song… he’d never listened to it in great depth, nor had he cared enough about it to think about the words. 

“I hoped you’d see my face, and that you’d be reminded that for me, it isn’t over.” 

Victor couldn’t even begin to imagine how stepping in the competitive ice felt for Yuuri. The ice where they once danced, the ice where they once laughed, the ice where they once loved. Heck, Victor struggled to step on the ice just to coach without feeling a stab in the heart. 

Victor was almost certain that this program was about him. He’d known Yuuri for long enough to know that whenever something troubled Yuuri, he stayed at the dance studio until early hours of the morning, pulling his head away from reality in order to get over whatever was on his mind. Whenever he got anxious he’d lock himself in the dance studio, tie his pointe shoes, and slide a CD into the CD player, putting on some kind of ballet to dance to. Sometimes when he got nervous, he ran to the rink with only his skates, plugged his phone in, and skated to whichever program was on his mind. 

Yuuri’s short told Victor one thing. He was still on Yuuri’s mind. Or rather, he was still bothering Yuuri.

Victor’s eyes were fixated on Yuuri as he skated, watching as he landed every jump. Victor remembered that every season since he started coaching Yuuri, there would be a quadruple flip in every program at least once. But Victor had yet to see it in Yuuri’s new short. He wondered if he was the reason for that. Victor stared at Yuuri’s Ina Bauer, as perfect as he remembered it to be, perhaps even more beautiful than before. 

He watched as plush toys and flowers scattered the ice, Yuuri panting as he skated over to the barriers before slipping on his skate guards. There was so much that Victor wanted to say to Yuuri, so many things he wanted to apologise for. He stared longingly as Yuuri took Mika from Stephane, focussed on the close up shot of that loving and gorgeous smile that lit up the world as it covered Yuuri’s face. Is that what it was like to look at your own child?  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri was up at six o’clock on the morning of the free skate. Piercing cries filled the hotel room, having Yuuri up and out of bed two hours earlier than he hoped. With a tired sigh and a chuckle, Yuuri went over to the hotel cot and picked up Mika. 

“Alright, baby. Are you hungry? Yeah?” Yuuri sat down on the edge of the bed, undoing the top few buttons to his night shirt to expose his small breasts. Yuuri noticed that as the months went by they got just a little bit smaller. Maybe it was a sign that Mika should be formula fed instead. Regardless, Yuuri would think about that when it came to. For now, Mika latched his lips onto Yuuri’s nipple and quieted as he sucked. 

Yuuri let his mind run as he fed Mika. He remembered while he was pregnant, he’d read a lot of blogs on breast feeding, parenting, baby care… all of which required two parents. There was absolutely nothing on advising a single mother or how to play two roles at once. Yuuri figured all of that out for himself. He was pretty damn proud of himself as a world class figure skater, bachelor of the world, and… a single mother battling various mental illnesses. 

Sometimes Yuuri wondered what it would have been like to have Victor here too. Would life be different? Would Mika be different? Would Yuuri still be skating? As much as Yuuri missed Victor, he wouldn’t trade Mika for the world. He wouldn’t trade Mika for Victor, he wouldn’t go back in time to fix anything if the future led him to Mika. Even if Victor ran out of love for Yuuri it didn’t matter. It still hurt, but it didn’t matter because Yuuri was still here today, still alive, holding his child. Nothing else mattered. 

It was nearing seven o’clock when Mika fell asleep attached to Yuuri’s nipple. With a fond laugh, Yuuri removed Mika from his breast and placed him down back in the cot. There was still an hour or so before he had to be out of bed, but now awake and kicking, Yuuri found himself unable to fall back asleep. With a soft sigh, he pulled up a chair next to Mika’s cot and stuck his fingers through the bars, taking a hold of Mika’s chubby hand.  
———————————————————————  
When eight o’clock came Yuuri released Mika’s tiny hand and kissed his forehead. Picking up his training gear, he quickly got changed, brushing his teeth and washing his face. He picked up the bag with his skates, as well as the dress bag holding his free skate costume and he gently folded the costume bag into his skate bag before swinging it over his shoulder. 

“Come on, Mika. Let’s go.” Mika babbled as Yuuri picked him up, placing him in the baby carrier before lifting it from the chair and heading out of the door to meet Stephane. 

“Morning.” Stephane greeted as Yuuri arrived in the hotel lobby. “Sleep well?” 

“Morning.” Yuuri sighed softly. “Relatively. Mika sure had a good night sleep. So I’m glad.” Yuuri smiled, gazing at the child in his carrier. 

“You’re skating last today because you came first in the short, so you have a good amount of time to relax before you have to skate.” Stephane said as he led Yuuri out of the hotel, the itinerary in one hand. 

“Okay. I’ll keep that in mind.” 

They arrived at the arena and Stephane took Mika.  
“Go get changed, I’ll take him.” Yuuri smiled, gripping his bag. 

“Thanks, coach.” With a soft sigh, Yuuri sped off to the locker room, setting his bag down on a bench. He released a deep breath, bringing his hands over his face as he took slow breaths, trying to calm his head down. Standing back up, he opened his bag and pulled out his costume bag, hanging it on a hanger. Slowly, he unzipped the bag. 

On the hanger was a navy blue top with a fairly deep V neck which exposed his collarbones. It was adorned with black and silver crystals, before the top faded to simple black pants. His wedding tuxedo was navy blue. It was navy blue with lighter blue accents and dark crystals at the lapels of the suit. When his designer first suggested dark blue, he almost shook his head and rejected the idea. Almost. Yuuri agreed, though hesitant at first, hoping it would bring him even a little bit of closure to what was once such a beautiful chapter in his life. 

Even now, four months after the costume design was finished, staring at it was like a kick in the stomach. A constant reminder of how many cracks his marriage had, of how much of a failure he was, unable to even keep a husband. “Happily Married”, they say, but all Yuuri could do was scoff. What an oxymoron. His marriage became bitter, full of frustration and exhaustion and hurt feelings and— the light of his life that eventually grew dim. 

They say that the lifespan of a star can be around eight billion years before it even begins to dim - even the brightest stars in the sky burn out eventually. Stars are beautiful balls of colour. They are bright, they light up the galaxy, they light up the night skies. The sun, which sits in the middle of the solar system, lights up our world, our lives. Victor is— was the same. He once lit up Yuuri’s world, Yuuri’s life. He was beautiful and bright too. But the star in Yuuri’s world seemed to dim faster than these other stars. Yuuri found himself spiralling into a pit of darkness after his star dimmed. Or rather, the love his star once had for him dimmed. 

Trembling fingers unhooked the costume from the hanger, slipping it over his almost naked body. His long arms reached over his head, pulling the invisible zipper from the base of his spine to the nape of his neck. He turned, facing the mirror. Yuuri couldn’t deny that the costume was absolutely beautiful. Stunning. Everything he wanted in a costume. Yuuri smiled to himself, taking a deep breath as he held his skates in one hand. 

Yuuri stepped out of the locker room and was greeted with Mika, now awake. Those teal eyes, big and wide, stared at Yuuri with the biggest grin that just pushed up his already chubby cheeks. And Yuuri— melted. He smiled back at his son, who babbled and held his arms out. 

“Hi, baby, had a nice nap?” Yuuri cooed as he put his skates on the floor and took Mika from Stephane. Stephane picked up Yuuri’s skates. “Thank you, coach.” Yuuri’s smile was genuine. Stephane had been so helpful to Yuuri, always offering to hold Mika when Yuuri’s hands were full or if he was busy, helping him hold things when Mika occupied his arms. Yuuri was well and truly grateful. 

“Anytime. Let’s head to the rink side.” Yuuri nodded as Mika babbled against his shoulder in his thick, orange one piece coat. 

“I’m… actually going to take Mika around for a walk if that’s okay. I just need some space.” Yuuri said sheepishly as Stephane nodded. 

“Just be back before your group comes out. Got your phone?” Stephane was very understanding of Yuuri’s need for space. He often needed to cry to himself before he could skate, something he never really wanted Stephane to see or know about. 

“Yeah.” 

“Okay. Don’t get lost.” 

“I’ll be fine.” Yuuri turned around, Mika in one hand, and took a wonder around the back stage area of the arena. It was quiet as Yuuri paced his way around, looking for somewhere to sit and think and sure enough, there was a perfect little bench just outside the back of the arena. He let out a breath before taking in the fresh air. Mika sat on his thighs, his slightly toothy grin warmed Yuuri’s fragile heart. 

Yuuri sat and contemplated… everything. His life, his career, his son. His nerves were awful today. Yuuri felt sick to his stomach as he felt the pressure to keep his top spot during the free skate. His heart was racing, adrenaline rushing through his body as he bit the inside of his cheek and desperately tried not to crack under the pressure. He was about to cry, but Mika, distracted by a passing butterfly, let out the most angelic giggle, almost mischievous as Yuuri watched him try to catch the butterfly. And as if by magic, Yuuri had nothing to worry about. Gently, he grasped Mika’s hand. 

“Be careful, baby. Don’t kill him.” Yuuri chuckled as Mika turned his head and laughed at him. To Yuuri, Mika was the most beautiful blessing. He was a happy baby who rarely cried, always smiling (or sleeping). It’s true what they say about love; that you can never really love anyone as much as your own child. 

Yuuri spent an hour or so entertaining Mika.  
“Sorry baby, your little elephant is in the locker room. I’ll be sure to get him for you when we leave.” Yuuri sighed softly as he realised Mika’s favourite stuffed elephant was in his bag. Slowly, Yuuri stood up and heaved Mika against his chest. “Let’s get your elephant and make our way to the rink.”  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri dropped by the locker room to pick up Mika’s stuffed elephant before coming out to the rink side. 

“Okay?” Stephane asked, taking Mika from Yuuri as Yuuri picked up his skates. 

“Yeah. Thank you.” Yuuri smiled, removing his trainers to slip on his skates. He pulled the tongue up, tying the laces tightly before tucking the knot behind the tongue. 

“There’s about fifteen minutes before your warmup group so you can give Mika another cuddle and a kiss before you skate.” Stephane handed Mika back to his mother, and Yuuri welcomed him with open arms and a big smile. 

“Are you gonna be a good boy for mommy and watch while he skates?” Yuuri cooed as Mika smooshed his face into Yuuri’s cheek. “Yeah? Do you enjoy watching mommy skate?” Mika babbled again, dribbling down Yuuri’s cheek. Yuuri laughed, grabbing a tissue to wipe his face. 

Yuuri stood up as the six minute warm up was announced, and he handed Mika to Stephane. “Be good for Stephane, alright?” Yuuri smiled before slipping his guards off and gliding onto the ice. 

Seeing Mika’s cheerful face bought Yuuri a sense of comfort – his smile told Yuuri that for once in his life he was doing something right. Parenthood, to his own mother, was one of the most difficult challenges, yet Yuuri was handling it incredibly well. And heck, if he could be a decent mother, he could do or be anything he wanted. He took laps around the rink, practising some jumps during the warm up before coming off the ice again. 

Yuuri waited his turn, bouncing Mika gently in his lap as they watched the other skaters. Yuuri watched the scores go up and up and up, and currently, the first place score was one hundred and eighty two point one. 

When it was Yuuri’s turn to skate, he gave Mika one last kiss on the forehead before pushing himself off the barriers onto the ice. He went one lap around before taking his position at the centre of the ice.

(The track I have chosen has no words, so enjoy the track here! https://youtu.be/BMUFzlIK3Fk)

Yuuri lifted his head as the soft piano keys filled the silent rink. Moving away, his blades scraped across the ice as he skated, arms above his head in a spin before he pulled his first jump, a triple loop. This track he’d chosen because it was about love, loss, and uncertainty, three things Yuuri’s life had been so full of lately. 

This piece meant a lot to him, in terms of telling everyone what he was feeling. Yuuri had never been good with words, everything he ever tried to say ended up coming out wrong, so everything he ever wanted to say was always said through skating. That was something that has never changed and will probably never change. 

Yuuri followed the crescendo of the piece and the introduction of the string instruments as he brought himself into an Ina Bauer, his back arched perfectly and his legs spread in a wide stance, front leg bent at the knee as his arm extended up. Yuuri’s next jump was a combination jump, a quadruple toe triple loop. Each jump he’d landed so far was perfect, no stumbles or misbalances. Yuuri was pretty confident in his score. 

Yuuri dug his toe pick into the ice, pulling his body in as he jumped a quadruple toe, landing with just a slight wobble. He released a sigh of relief, thanking his lucky stars that he didn’t fall as he launched himself into a butterfly jump. 

The soundtrack rang in his ears, the wind instruments and the strings and the piano keys all in harmony as he skated. The music brought Yuuri peace. When his mind ran, when he over thought, when he wanted to break down and cry, this piece always soothes Yuuri’s nerves. 

Yuuri couldn’t help but catch Mika’s bright smile in the corner of his view, his hands repeatedly clapping together with the most adorable grin. And god, it warmed Yuuri’s frozen heart so so much. Yuuri took his final position on the ice, pulling himself into a scratch spin before holding his hand out in Mika’s direction with a relaxed yet proud smile. He painted heavily, this time, deciding to ignore the storm of plush toys and flowers as he bowed before skating to the edge of the ice. 

Yuuri slid his guards back onto his skates and stepped off the ice, Mika immediately reaching out for him with babbles and gurgles.  
“Hi, baby. Did you enjoy watching me skate? Yeah?” Yuuri took Mika back, pressing a big kiss to his forehead as he and Stephane made their way to the kiss and cry. He chewed his lip nervously, gently bouncing Mika on his lap as they awaited for the scores. 

“The score for Yuuri Katsuki is two hundred and twelve point five zero for a total score of three hundred and seventeen point nine seven. He is currently in first place.” Yuuri sucked in a deep breath of surprised as he watched the number one come up on a gold back ground on the corner of the screen. Stephane immediately pulled him in for a hug. 

“Your first gold medal of the season. Congratulations.” Stephane smiled, ruffling Yuuri’s hair gently as Yuuri smiled, sighing in relief. 

“Thanks, coach.” Yuuri hugged him back with his free arm before pulling away to kiss Mika’s forehead.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri stood proud on the podium, one hand wrapped around a bouquet of flowers and the other hand holding his gold medal. He plastered a fake smile on his face, the muscles stiffening as he smiled tirelessly for the cameras. The smile immediately fell as he stepped off the podium to take back his son. 

“You’ve done well, Yuuri. Really. You should be proud of yourself.” Stephane encouraged as he noticed Yuuri’s falling face and glum expression. 

“Thank you.” Yuuri sighed. “I know I should be. But it just feels… weird. Wrong. Like I shouldn’t be there and I don’t like it.” 

“You deserve to be there, Yuuri. You deserve your medal. You earned this for yourself and for Mika.” Stephane reassured. “Keep going. You are a great skater, Yuuri. You just need to believe it yourself.” Yuuri chewed his lip with a sigh. 

“You’re right, sorry. Let’s just… get this conference over and done with.” Yuuri sighed once more and Stephane nodded, leading him out of the rink side.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri sat down, Mika on his lap and Stephane next to him as he plastered on another fake smile. 

“Skater Katsuki, how do you feel about your first medal of the season?” Yuuri let out a sigh of relief at the question, preparing himself for more questions about Mika. 

“It feels good. I think I’m finally on the way to proving to my son especially that I am worth something.” Yuuri allowed Mika to grab onto his finger as he chewed and squeezed on his toy elephant, turquoise irises beaming as he smiled. 

“Your free program has a much different feeling to your short program. Is there a different meaning to it as well?” Yuuri’s breath hitched. 

“Oh, erm… it does. It has a more personal meaning to me, so I would rather not discuss it too much.” Yuuri replied quietly, chewing his lip between his teeth, mimicking Mika who chewed on his elephant. 

“So, we know you don’t like to talk much about your personal life, so what is it like to compete and raise a child?” This question was bordering a little uncomfortable, but answering it would hopefully hold off the very uncomfortable questions. 

“It’s very difficult. But it’s worth it.” Yuuri sighed with a smile. “My son takes up a lot of my energy, but he really does light everything up. I’ve had a lot of help, from my parents and family when I’m home, but when I’m competing, Stephane is a great help. Helping me with my son is written absolutely nowhere on our contract, but he still insists on helping me especially when I bring him to competitions.” Yuuri explained as Mika nonchalantly entertained himself. 

“Will we ever find out more about your son?” 

“No.” Yuuri’s answer was immediate, almost snapped. “A lot of the time information about me has been used to hurt me, such as my mental illnesses. So I will not allow anyone to gain information about my son. He will not be targeted and he will not be used against myself either for his own well being. The only information I will give is that I did give birth to him and he is my son.” Yuuri said, his hand subconsciously holding onto Mika more firmly. “I will not be releasing any more information about him.” 

“A lot of people have said that you should not be taking your son to competitions. What do you think of these statements?” 

Yuuri sighed. 

“I have already explained why I have chosen to bring my son with me to competitions. It only matters to me and my son how I raise him, and I am not even slightly concerned about what other people think. Until there is another person in exactly the same shoes as me, I will not listen to what anyone else has to say.” That question burned a bit of anger in Yuuri, who are the public to judge how he should raise Mika? Gross. He could bet his entire net worth on the fact that not one person judging him is a world class figure skater and a single mother with their own mental demons. 

Before the next question, Stephane interrupted. 

“We would appreciate it if everyone could keep away from asking about Yuuri’s personal affairs and focus only on his skating.” He politely requested and Yuuri let out a breath of relief and a gentle smile in Stephane’s direction. 

“Very well. There’s a lot of speculation about you retiring soon. Do you reckon you could be retiring after this season?” Yuuri thought about the question. It was true that he was past his peak, but he hadn’t thought about retirement seriously yet. 

“It’s true that I am twenty seven already, and I have a son to raise too. However I haven’t considered retirement seriously yet. Like I’ve said before after my hiatus I’ve found that there’s a lot I need to prove to myself, to my son, and to other people. I am not done yet, and I likely will not be done for at least another season.” Yuuri put emphasised with a slightly proud smile as he bounced Mika on his knee. 

There were more questions, mainly about Yuuri’s aims for the season, and his feelings towards the new season and what he hoped for. There were also a few nosy questions, trying to pry into his life during his one and a half year hiatus, but all in all, a successful press conference. 

Yuuri sighed heavily as he carried Mika out of the room through the back door. 

“How do you feel?” Stephane’s question barely registered in his head as he turned, making a soft questioning noise. 

“Huh?” 

“I said how do you feel?” Stephane repeated with a soft chuckle as he hit the button for the elevators, waiting for them to arrive.

“Uhh… achieved, I guess? Still a bit out of place but I think it’s just because I’m not used to being back in the circuit.” Yuuri sighed as Mika gurgled against his shoulder. “Alright, baby. Shall we get you back and fed? Yeah?” Yuuri cooed at his son, gently bouncing him in his arms. 

“You should go back to your room and get Mika down. Are you coming to the banquet tomorrow? Gold medalist should be there.” Stephane commented, but Yuuri sighed another one of those stressed out breaths. 

“I don’t know… I should be there but Mika… I’m not sure I want to take him, but I don’t want to leave him alone.” Yuuri found himself in a bit of a predicament as he huffed quietly, his thumb fiddling with the back of Mika’s onesie. They got into the elevator, selecting their necessary floors.

“You could take him, and just leave after you’ve made an appearance and eaten? You don’t have to stay for the whole banquet.” Stephane suggested, and Yuuri hummed in thought. 

“Yeah. Yeah I think I’ll go and just leave when Mika gets irritable and tired.” Yuuri decided. “Anyway, we’re going to bed tonight. I think I’ll take Mika out tomorrow morning, and then be back for the banquet.” Yuuri said as the elevators ascended.

“Good night, sleep well.” Stephane bid as the elevator doors opened and Yuuri stepped out. 

“Good night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap;  
> More of Victor moping about!  
> The banquet happens.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor mopes. Again.  
> Yuuri and Mika spend some quality time together.  
> The banquet happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOWDY YALL IM BACK DID YA MISS ME!  
> Finally back with a new chapter! Unfortunately updates will slow down in September because I’m moving away from home to London for university so lots of stress and tears ;A; I hope you’ll continue to support me still and won’t forget about me tho!
> 
> ALSO one of you lovely readers wanted more Yuuri and Mika bonding SO I HOPE I DELIVERED. There’ll be more of that soon!!!

Victor chewed his lip as his eyes remained fixated on the television. Yuuri was breathtaking. His skating was so expressive, emotional. Stephane really was a one-of-a-kind coach and choreographer. Only, little did Victor know that it was one of the people closest to him who choreographed this piece. There were so many things Victor regretted. However, asking for a divorce was not one of them. 

See, if Victor were patient enough with Yuuri, he could have helped him instead of dismissing him. Victor wished he were more patient with Yuuri. If Victor listened to Yuuri more instead of brushing him off, Yuuri would not have bottled everything in. He wished he listened to Yuuri more. If Victor took three seconds to tell Yuuri “I love you, and you’re doing great”, Yuuri would not have distanced himself from Victor. He wished he told Yuuri he loved him. If he did all of these things before, there would be no divorce. Victor didn’t wish he never asked for a divorce. He wished he’d done things correctly to avoid even the possibility of breaking up. 

Now that Victor thought back, he couldn’t even begin to imagine how Yuuri felt. Victor had not only dismissed Yuuri’s mental illnesses but he’d pushed him down for them, telling him that he “just needs to get out more”, or that he “just needs to think more positively”. He could only imagine how sick to his stomach Yuuri felt.  
Yuuri deserved better and in some ways, Victor hoped that Yuuri resented him. He deserved it, after all. 

This was Yuuri’s true form on the ice. So much was missing two seasons ago and Victor had never even noticed anything was missing, let alone what it was that was missing. But now, Victor understood. Victor understood that what was missing was… love. He could feel it radiating from Yuuri as he skated, and that’s what separates Yuuri now from Yuuri then. Victor just wished it were him that made Yuuri radiate love. 

Victor wondered if he was going to see Yuuri at the Grand Prix final. How would Yuuri react to him? Knowing Yuuri, he’ll either scream at him to get lost, run away and avoid him, or… both. Nerves already began to grow in his stomach at the thought of seeing Yuuri at the Grand Prix final. Seeing those dark eyes that were once so bright. Seeing those lips turn up into a fake smile that was once so real. But more importantly, seeing the baby in Yuuri’s arms. The child he’d kept hidden from the world for at least over a year. Victor wanted to know more about Yuuri’s son. A name? A birthday? A father?

He had… so many questions. Specifically about the child in his arms. Victor wondered if it were his, but Yuuri had given no birth date or anything. Victor remembered he had no right to wonder. He showed Yuuri that he didn’t care enough about him, so he had no right to suddenly show any interest in Yuuri’s life now. Victor hated himself. He hated himself so, so much. 

He hated how selfish he was. How self centred he was. How ignorant and naïve and stubborn he was. “Hate” is a very strong word, but Victor hated himself.  
———————————————————————  
“Alright baby, fresh and clean and fed.” Yuuri cooed as he zipped up Mika’s dinosaur onesie gently, pecking the tip of his nose as Mika gargled. “Shall we head out then? We have the whole day to ourselves before the banquet.” Yuuri smiled, picking Mika up out of the hotel cot as he grabbed the keycard and his phone. “We’ll get lunch together, and we’ll go sightseeing and send pictures to grandma.” Yuuri chuckled as he swung Mika’s baby bag over his shoulder before leaving the room. 

Yuuri ended up taking the baby carrier with him and he strapped Mika in, holding the carrier in one arm. The omega smiled at his beautiful son as they went down in the lift, motherly pheromones filling the air around them. Yuuri stepped out of the elevator and took two steps. Suddenly, the back of his neck began to sting. His free hand shot up, hissing as he touched the fading bite mark on the back of his neck. He gasped, chewing his bottom lip. 

For the last year and a half Yuuri had had an implant. Not for his heat, but for his bond mark. He couldn’t feel Victor, and Victor couldn’t feel him. But the effects of the implant were beginning to fade away. Yuuri could only hope their bond mark would too. Pain and heartache coursed through his body. Victor was crying. Yuuri tried his hardest to keep himself in control. If he could feel Victor, then that meant Victor could feel him too. And he absolutely did not want Victor to know what he felt. If anything, he just wanted Victor to forget he’d ever existed. 

Yuuri quickly exited the hotel, almost scratching and clawing at the bond mark, as if it’d go away. Now frustrated and upset, Yuuri sighed and gave up, choosing to maintain his strong façade. He just felt… itchy. His bottom lip was trapped between his teeth as he tried so hard not to break down. He really tried. But Yuuri couldn’t help when he remembered their wedding day. How bright and colourful it was, how happy it was. It was sunny, with almost no clouds. The hotel was full of fellow skaters, as well as Yuuri’s family friends. Yakov and Lilia were there, too. Yuuri remembered just how… in love he had been with Victor. And how in love he still is. Nothing has changed. Apart from Victor no longer loves him. 

Yuuri gritted his teeth, allowing tears to fall down his cheeks as he walked with Mika. All he wanted was to live his life and forget about Victor, but if that bite on his neck had anything to say about that, then it wouldn’t be any time soon. Yuuri pleaded to any deity that would listen to just leave him alone. To let him get on with his life without Victor’s shadow constantly chasing him. Victor had already made it very clear that he didn’t want Yuuri anymore. That Yuuri was worth nothing. Now Yuuri just wanted to be alone. Yuuri never wanted to see or love or feel anything or anyone ever again. He just wanted everything to stop. 

Yuuri let himself cry as he sat down on a bench before taking a moment to pull himself together. Yuuri had never felt so vulnerable though, knowing that Victor would know when he was happy, would know when he cried. This… infectious, crawling feeling filled his stomach at the thought of Victor knowing every emotion he went through. Like he was being followed or observed. It was one of the most unsettling feelings Yuuri had ever felt. 

Yuuri eventually stood back up, still holding Mika’s carrier and sighed. “Let’s get lunch, baby. Sorry, you must be hungry.” He apologised quietly. Yuuri made his way to a small family run café and walked in, the little bell on the door chiming as the door opened. He approached the counter, staring at the variety of sandwiches and snacks. 

“Can I get a chicken salad sandwich and a regular hot chocolate please?” Yuuri asked at the counter as the woman smiled, punching away at the till. 

“Sure thing. Anything else?” She asked. 

“Would it be possible for you to heat this up for me for my baby please? Just a minute will do.” Yuuri pulled out a jar of baby food from the baby bag and held it up. 

“Of course we can. We’ll bring you your things when they’re ready. Here’s your receipt, so if you could put it at the edge of your table that’d be great.” The cashier smiled as she took the jar of baby food and handed the receipt to Yuuri. 

“Thank you.” Yuuri took a seat at a small table by the window and sat Mika’s carrier next to him. He gently reached his fingers over to Mika’s cheek, touching the soft chubby cheek with the most heartwarming smile. “Have you enjoyed spending time with momma this week? Yeah?” Yuuri chuckled. Mika babbled and smiled, letting out an adorable giggle. “Do you want momma to take you out more? I’ll take you out more. You can watch mommy skate, and we’ll get lunch together.” Yuuri cooed softly at Mika. 

Yuuri gave Mika a little chew toy to help his teeth while they waited for their meals to come. Soon enough, a tray was put on Yuuri’s table.  
“There’s a toasted chicken salad sandwich, a got chocolate, and a jar of baby food. Enjoy.” The waitress smiled before leaving. Yuuri smiled back before reaching into the baby bag to pull out a plastic spoon for Mika. 

Yuuri spooned a bit of the baby food, blowing a little before taking a bite of his own sandwich as he allowed the mush on the spoon to cool sufficiently.  
“Ahh~” Yuuri coaxed Mika to open his mouth, and those adorable pink lips opened, welcoming the spoon. “Good boy, Mika.” Yuuri chuckled as Mika released the spoon. He took another bite of his own sandwich, spooning another bit of the baby food to cool a little. Mika flailed his arms a little as he giggled, food dribbling down his chin. Yuuri snapped a quick picture with a soft laugh before wiping Mika’s mouth. 

To: Mom  
[New Picture]  
Mika got food all over his chin! :’) <3 

Yuuri quickly finished his sandwich to allow himself to give Mika his full attention. He picked Mika up out of his carrier and sat him down in his lap, with one arm around him holding the half empty jar of baby food.  
“Here comes the aeroplane, ahh…” Yuuri couldn’t not smile when Mika’s face broke out into an angelic smile as he took the spoon gratefully between his pink lips.

Yuuri really, really cherished moments like this with Mika, even something as trivial as feeding him. He cherishes them because he never in a million years thought that he could love anyone as much as he loves Mika. He cherishes them because despite everything that’s happened and still happening, Mika reminds him every day that his entire life’s hardships and more are worth it for him. He cherishes them because soon, Mika will grow up. He’ll go to school, he’ll pick up a hobby, he’ll go to university. Eventually, he won’t need Yuuri anymore. Yuuri cherishes these moments because Mika is the only person who could put a genuine smile on his face. A real smile full of adoration. 

Yuuri finished up feeding Mika and strapped him back into the carrier. Picking it up in one arm, he slung the baby bag over his free arm and made sure to leave a sizeable tip. The bell to the door chimed again as Yuuri left the door. As they walked along the streets Yuuri couldn’t help the uneasiness he felt, remembering how Victor could know what he was feeling at every point of the day. It was so unsettling. Yuuri chewed his lip and just made his way back to the hotel, hoping a bit of rest would ease his nerves. He couldn’t wait to get another implant. 

It was a little past one when Yuuri made it back to his hotel room with Mika. He kicked off his shoes and set the baby bag down, before putting Mika’s carrier down on the table. Yuuri unstrapped Mika and carried him to his bed, laying Mika on his back. Yuuri pulled out the blanket from Mika’s cot and immediately, Mika’s tiny hands grabbed for the fluffy fabric. Yuuri smiled sweetly at his child as he took Mika’s favourite elephant from the cot too. Lastly, from the suitcase, Yuuri retrieved a multicoloured shape sorter and a little book. 

Yuuri watched proudly as Mika sat himself up and entertained himself, gripping the elephant between his tiny teeth while the shape sorter occupied his soft hands. Yuuri let his mind speak, as if Mika understood anything he said. 

“I’m sorry it’s just me raising you.” Yuuri sighed. “Sometimes I wish I had V— someone else to help me. And I bet you do too. It probably gets boring, seeing my face all the time.” Yuuri frowned. He moved to lie on his side, leaning his body’s weight on one arm as he elbow dig into the mattress. “I guess it’s my fault. I’m still… too angry. Too bitter. Too stubborn to admit that he’s your father too. To admit that I need help sometimes.” Yuuri couldn’t help the slight tremble in his voice as he spoke. “Sometimes I wonder if he cares just enough to watch me skate. I wonder if he sees you, if he knows that you’re his baby boy too. Maybe he has questions, but the chances are he doesn’t care at all.” Yuuri bit out, a slightly tense tone in his voice.

“I guess it’s my fault you don’t have another parent. I guess I’m just too proud to admit that I was pregnant with Victor’s son to everyone. Too scared of being judged or humiliated. Too afraid of being mocked for giving birth to my… ex-husband’s baby. One day you’ll ask me. You’ll ask why you only have one parent and everyone else has two. I’ll tell you why, and you’ll understand. And you’ll hate me for hiding this from you. You’ll resent me and you’ll leave me. All I’ll be able to do is watch you run. Because you’ll despise me even more for chasing you. And just like that I’ll have no one again.” Yuuri pulled his bottom lip between his teeth as he let his head hit the mattress. 

Yuuri slowly reached for Mika’s hand with a finger and Mika dropped the shape he was holding in favour of gripping Yuuri’s finger.  
“For now, all I can do is protect you, and teach you how to be a good person. Teach you that no matter how much you might despise me for hiding things from you in the future, I will always love you.” Yuuri sighed with a sad smile as Mika chewed on the tip of his finger. A soft chuckle left Yuuri’s lips as the ticklish feeling of Mika’s teeth against his finger ran up his arm. 

Yuuri shuffled a little closer to Mika, his hands gently gripping his chubby thighs, his thumb running up and down his thigh. Yuuri leaned up and kissed the tip of Mika’s nose, running a hand trough the very minimal hairs on his head. Yuuri eventually sat up and sat behind Mika, his legs almost enclosing Mika as his arms wrapped around the baby’s tiny body. Yuuri picked up a shape, handing it to Mika as he held the sorter in his other hand. 

“Where does this one go, baby?” Yuuri asked as Mika struggled to put the shape into the correct cut out. “Not there, try again. Let’s count the sides.” Yuuri took the shape back and held it in front of Mika. He brought his pointer finger to one edge, and moved around the shape. “One, two, three, four.” Yuuri counted. “Which of these holes has four sides, baby?” Yuuri’s soft voice cooed as Mika slapped his hand down on a random cut out. “Not that one, try again.” It took Mika a few attempts, but eventually, he pointed out the correct cut out. “Good boy. Put the shape in?” Yuuri handed the piece of wood back to Mika.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri was still incredibly hesitant about going to the banquet, but after all, the gold medalist had to be there. With a sigh he put on an old tuxedo, the one he’d worn to a banquet five years ago that had never been touched again until today. After that time Victor had always treated him to luxury tuxedos, but ever since, they had been disposed of all ready. All donated to charity. He couldn’t bare to see them. One last gulp and Yuuri took Mika in his carrier down to the banquet hall, meeting Stephane at the bottom of the elevator. 

“Hey.” Yuuri smiled wearily as he stepped out of the lift. 

“Hey. Are you okay?” Stephane asked with a raised eyebrow as he noticed Yuuri’s visible deflation. 

“Y-yeah… I’m fine.” He huffed with a gentle smile. 

“You know you can leave whenever you want, or if you’re worried about Mika I can take him when you’re busy.” Stephane reminded and Yuuri nodded. 

“I know. Thanks, coach.” Yuuri followed Stephane to the banquet hall and took a seat next to him, the seat next to himself reserved for Mika, who was sound asleep, his little head covered by a hat and a pair of soft pink earmuffs. He set the baby carrier on the chair next to him, his hand immediately reaching to coax Mika’s hand open from it’s tight grip. Mika instinctively wrapped tiny digits around Yuuri’s finger as Yuuri smiled in awe at him. 

“So what did you do today?” Stephane asked Yuuri as they waited for their meals to arrive. 

“I just took Mika out, we had lunch, took a walk, and came back.” Yuuri explained their day briefly, but Stephane was too focused on the small crease above Yuuri’s eyebrow. 

“Is something the matter?” Stephane asked. “Normally when something bothers you you get this crease on your forehead.” Stephane pointed out as Yuuri’s face flattened out into a look of surprise. 

“O-oh… umm… I’d… prefer not to tell you now.” Yuuri quietly mumbled, looking down at his lap. 

“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me. Just making sure you’re alright.” Stephane smiled quietly as Yuuri looked back up. “You can tell me later, if you want.” Stephane reassured, and Yuuri nodded gratefully with a soft smile. 

Yuuri was halfway through his meal when Mika stirred, babbling and gargling. Yuuri set his knife and fork down and unstrapped Mika from his carrier, placing him in his lap and immediately turning him away from everyone else at the table. He held Mika to his chest, kissing the top of his head. “Are you hungry?” He asked, picking up the teaspoon for his dessert and spooning a tiny bit of his mashed potato for Mika. “Here, ahh~” Yuuri des the spoon between Mika’s lips, who eagerly took the spoon, happily babbling away. 

Yuuri continued to feed Mika little bits and pieces of his meal; a few tiny flakes of fish and potato, followed by the tiniest bit of vegetable that he had crushed a little with his fork. “Is that good?” Yuuri asked as Mika swallowed. As Yuuri watched Mika it seemed as if the world around them drowned away, all of his undivided attention focussed on Mika. Voices of everyone else dissipated and for even just a moment, it was just Mika and Yuuri in their own world. 

Once Mika was full Yuuri strapped him back into the baby carrier and turned the carrier to face him, so he could continuously see Mika’s face. He watched as Mika chewed and grabbed at his baby blanket, fingertips clawing away at the soft minky fabric. Mika sat in his own little world, hands occupied by his blanket, and teeth occupied by a pacifier. Yuuri smiled, snapping a quick picture to send to his mother back home.

To: Mom  
[New Picture] 

When it was time for Yuuri to socialise he picked Mika up and out of the baby carrier, holding him close to his chest and shoulder. Mika began to feel uneasy and agitated, and he kicked Yuuri’s side gently, his fingertips digging into Yuuri’s shoulder. He grumbled and whined, immediately nuzzled his face into the side of Yuuri’s neck, closing his eyes. Instinctively, Yuuri released a sweet, motherly scent to make Mika feel safe and calm. “It’s okay, sweetie. Mommy’s here. Just a little longer.” Yuuri crooned reassuringly as he rocked Mika on his shoulder. 

Various sponsors came to chat with Yuuri, talking about various opportunities for sponsored skates and blades, as well as sportswear, amongst advertisement through their companies. There were a few… less than pleasant chats as well though, regarding Mika. Of course Yuuri would never be able to avoid them, but thank god for Stephane. 

“Please keep questions professional, please.” Stephane reminded as a few sponsors tried to nosey around business that wasn’t there’s. Yuuri certainly wouldn’t be collaborating with them, that’s for sure. Yuuri was very thankful every time Stephane stepped in to keep conversations on topic, often, Yuuri was too awkward to do so himself. 

It was about nine o’clock when Yuuri decided to take his leave.  
“Hey Stephane, I think I’m gonna go back up. Mika’s fallen asleep and I don’t want to wake him.” Yuuri explained as Mika slept soundly on his shoulder. 

“Oh, sure thing. Don’t forget our flight is at four thirty tomorrow, so we have to be at the airport for one o’clock.” Stephane reminded as Yuuri turned to leave. “Good night.” 

“Good night.” Yuuri carried Mika in one arm, and the baby carrier with his baby bag in it in the other and made his way back to their hotel room. 

Upon arriving back at the room Yuuri gently settled a sleeping Mika into the cot, covering him with his blanket. “Good night, baby. Mommy loves you, grandma and grandpa love you, aunt Mari loves you. Everyone loves you. Sleep well, my dear.” Yuuri kissed his forehead, giving one more glance before he headed to the bathroom for a shower. 

Yuuri sighed as he stripped down, stepping into the scalding water. Yuuri contemplated the last week of his life; the first competition of the season, the first competition after his hiatus, the first gold medal that he could say was his, and no one else’s. For once, Yuuri was ridiculously proud of himself. One competition into the season and he’d already scored himself a gold medal. Maybe he could score two more at Rostelecom and the Grand Prix final? Yuuri was excited for the next competition – Phichit and Minami would be there. He’d have someone to talk to, to cheer on. He hadn’t seen them in forever and it was finally time for him to get out and socialise a little bit. 

Yuuri finished up in the shower and pat himself dry, slipping on some boxers and a baggy t-shirt. When he re-emerged from the shower he realised that Mika had awoken. With an angelic smile, Yuuri stepped over to the cot and cooed. “Can’t sleep, baby? Shall I read you something? Yeah?” Yuuri sat at the edge of the bed and picked up the book he’d previously gotten out. He slipped his hand between the bars of the cot and Mika gripped his finger tightly as Yuuri opened the little book with one hand. 

Yuuri balances the book open in his lap. “Each peach pear plum, I spy Tom Thumb.” With his free hand, he flicked the page over. “Tom Thumb in the cupboard, I spy Mrs Hubbard.” Yuuri had this book when he first began learning English. Call him a child or whatever, but it really helped him grasp rhyming words and spellings. “Mrs Hubbard in the cellar, I spy Cinderella.” The images were colourful too, obviously catching Mika’s curious eye as his free hand pointed and babbled at the colours. “Do you like the pictures, baby?” Yuuri cooed, before continuing. “Cinderella on the stairs, I spy three bears.” 

Yuuri continued on with the book, quickly noticing as Mika began to fall right back asleep. Mika’s grip on his finger loosened, his hand falling down by his side and releasing Yuuri’s finger. Yuuri shut the book and stood up. With one more kiss to Mika’s nose, Yuuri bid him good night.  
“Good night, baby. Sleep tight. Mommy loves you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The book Yuuri reads is “Each Peach Pear Plum” by Janet and Allan Ahlberg
> 
> Next Chap;  
> Yuuri and Mika fly home.  
> 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mika and Yuuri spend the day together before the long flight home.   
> Yuuri finally plucks up the courage to sign back into his SNS and post.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaho!   
> Just here to say that after this chapter there is maybe one or two more chapters before Yuuri and Victor come face to face with each other! Stay tuned - I know I’ve kept you waiting a long time!

Victor spend endless amounts of time stalking through different skaters social media’s, trying to find any photos of Yuuri. There were snaps of his programs taken for articles, taken for newspapers, but none of just Yuuri at the banquet. He wanted to see how Yuuri looked, who he was with. He just wanted to know how it went. 

Victor sighed, clicking his phone off and tossing it down. He was frustrated about not being able to see and photos of the banquet, specifically of Yuuri and his son. Victor picked his phone back up and scrolled through the many pictures of Yuuri currently covering his Twitter feed. Yuuri was… stunning. His form knocked Victor’s breath out of his lungs. Yuuri’s costume highlighted his slender legs and his thin waist. How Victor missed wrapping his arms around that beautiful waist, especially during the off season. 

Victor’s feed was full to the brim with pictures of Yuuri, but absolutely none of them were of his smile. The smile that lit up everything and anything. The one hundred kilowatt smile that Victor would kill to see in front of him again. It seemed like Yuuri just never smiled anymore. That pained Victor. It hurt Victor because Yuuri’s smile is worth more than a million diamonds. It’s a smile that Victor only has fading memories of. 

Victor shut his phone off again and tossed it on the floor, turning his face to Makkachin’s fur.   
“Do you miss Yuuri too?” Makkachin whimpered. “I know you do. You still stare at our wedding photo on the wall.” He stared sadly at Makkachin, lost in thought when he felt a sharp sting at the back of his neck. “Ahh!” He hissed, bringing his hand up reflexively to cover the bond mark with his hand. 

It was strange. Since they’d divorced Victor hadn’t been able to feel Yuuri through their bond. At first he thought it had faded before remembering that it took years to fade. It baffled him at first, why couldn’t he feel Yuuri? But now, just as he had forgotten about said mark, feelings suddenly came back to it. The bond flashed alive for a split second before it ceased to tingle, leaving Victor confused and now, frustrated.   
———————————————————————  
Yuuri was awoken by soft cries that broke through the crisp morning air. With a gentle sigh, he sat up and made his way over to Mika’s cot.   
“Good morning to you too, baby. Are you hungry?” Yuuri picked him up out of the cot and moved back to the bed, propping himself up on some pillows against the headboard. Yuuri pulled his top off and cradled Mika in his arms, watching lovingly as Mika latched onto his nipple. Yuuri contently sighed as Mika sucked, his small hands clawing at Yuuri’s breast. 

Yuuri gazed into Mika’s cerulean eyes, admiring how gorgeous and vibrant they were, just like Victor’s. He sighed deeply to himself, running his finger across Mika’s baby soft cheek. Eventually, Yuuri pulled Mika off his nipple to swap sides, letting out a breath of relief. His free hand massaged his breast gently, soothing the slightly aching muscles. He could feel a tingling sensation in his neck as he fed Mika, and he just wished it would go away. It was like a sensation of… shock? Surprise, maybe? It seemed as though Victor had figured out Yuuri could feel him again. 

Yuuri nervously chewed his lip, but refused to let the bothersome mark on his neck hinder him. He forced it to the back of his mind and sat, content with letting Mika feed as he sat lost in his own thoughts. He thought about reactivating some of his social media again – he didn’t have a huge following, but they were very loyal. Not too crazy or anything. That did change when he and Victor had wed – the followers came rushing in, crazy and loud and just a little invasive, but that changed nothing about his tiny group of loyal followers. Yeah. They deserved an appreciation post. After all, it was Yuuri who suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth with no prior warning. One minute his social media was @y-katsukinikiforov and the next it was @y-katsuki before suddenly he disappeared, all within a split second. 

He was pulled from his thoughts when a slightly sharp pain coursed through his right breast, followed by a soft grumble. “Ow!” After the initial shock Yuuri smiled down at his baby with a chuckle. “I’m empty baby, nothing else is gonna come out.” Yuuri pulled Mika off his nipple, kissing his nose. “Are you all tired out again?” Yuuri leaned back on the bed, laying Mika against his stomach. Mika’s baby hands grasped at Yuuri’s body for some grip, closing his eyes as the warmth of Yuuri’s body comforted him. 

Mika was out like a light. Yuuri rested his hands across Mika’s onesie covered back, smiling down at him as he slept soundly. “My gorgeous boy.” Yuuri sighed quietly with a small smile as one hand ran through Mika’s soft fine hair. “We’ll be going home later, so you can see grandma and grandpa, as well as aunt Mari. You won’t be seeing my boring face so much.” Yuuri chuckled. “Stephane is coming too, I know you’re attached to him, so that’ll make you happy too.” 

Yuuri admired Mika’s sleeping form, the way his lips were gently parted, and his cheeks were soft and chubby. His fingertips relaxed against Yuuri’s chest, his feet softly kicking just a little bit. “You really are beautiful. It’s true, what Lilia says. You do take after your father.” Yuuri sighed and it was almost… sad. Not sad as in it was a bad thing, but just sad because this tiny memory of Victor’s beauty that Yuuri was still clinging on to could be seen in his son. He’d never let go of that memory. 

Yuuri laid awake, Mika asleep on his chest until about nine o’clock, when Mika finally stirred again. Yuuri was pulled from his endless thoughts by a soft grunt and a sniffle, followed by soft hands on his chest and a bubbly cheek shifting. Yuuri smiled fondly. “Are you awake again, baby? Good morning.” Yuuri kissed Mika’s forehead, allowing him to fully wake up. 

Mika grumbled, his arms and legs wriggling ever so slightly. Yuuri smiled and sat up, holding onto Mika as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed.   
“Come on, let’s get ready to go home.” He took Mika into the bathroom and got him changed into a fresh onesie before setting him down in the cot. Yuuri got himself ready, changing into sweatpants and a loose t-shirt. “We have time to get something to eat and go about before we leave for the airport.” Yuuri picked Mika back up, giving him a kiss on the forehead before strapping him into the baby carrier. Baby carrier in one hand, baby bag over his shoulder, and suitcase in the other hand, Yuuri struggled through the door with a sigh and headed for the elevator.   
———————————————————————  
Yuuri dropped his luggage off at the hotel’s bag check area before he checked out of his room. As he handed the keycard back, he got a text from Stephane. 

From: Stephane   
Don’t forget we need to be at the airport for 1. Shall I meet you outside the hotel at 12? 

Yuuri read the text, quickly replying. 

To: Stephane   
Sure :)

Yuuri slipped his phone back into his pocket and headed out of the hotel. “Shall we go somewhere else for lunch today, baby?” Yuuri asked as he scanned the street, looking for a small café to eat at. “There’s one at the end of the street, shall we see what there is to eat? Maybe there’s something soft enough for you to eat too.” Yuuri carried Mika in his carrier down the street as he babbled to himself, sucking on his hand as he entertained himself. 

Yuuri strolled to the window of the café where a menu had been put, and had a scan of some of the breakfast choices. “Hmm… breakfast croissants, pancakes, porridge… shall we eat here, baby? We’ll see how you handle porridge.” Yuuri cooed at Mika and stepped into the café. “Table for two, please.” Yuuri requested. 

“Sure, would you like a high chair?” The waitress asked as she picked up a menu to lead Yuuri to a table by the window. 

“No thank you.” Yuuri followed the waitress to his table and sat down and took a look at the menu as the waitress nodded and walked away. “Shall we see if you can eat porridge, baby? Porridge with a selection of home-made jams. They have a finer porridge too, so I think that might be better for you.” Yuuri said as he continued to examine the menu. He glanced over to see Mika biting his hand again. With a chuckle, Yuuri took a pack of wipes from the baby bag and pulled one out. 

“Don’t bite your hand, baby. I know you’re a little bit hungry, but please don’t bite your hands. They might be dirty.” Yuri grasped Mika’s hand by his wrist and tugged it away from his baby teeth, wiping his hand clean. Then, he pulled out a teething ring from the baby bag and wiped that clean too. “Have a nibble on this for now.” Yuuri slipped the ring into Mika’s tiny hand, watching as that adorable smile puffed up his chubby cheeks and Mika grinned. “Good boy.” 

Yuuri eventually settled on banana and blueberry pancakes, and placed his order. With that out of the way, he turned his attention to Mika. “After breakfast we have time to have a bit of a roam around before we leave. We’ll take some photos together, and send them to grandma.” Yuuri promised, as he remembered the haste he made to get back to his hotel room the day before, resulting in a lack of baby photos being sent to his mother. 

He couldn’t stop watching Mika chew on his teething ring. “Do your teeth feel better yet baby?” Yuuri brought his hand over to Mika’s cheek, caressing his cheek softly. “Your face is a bit dry. Gimme a second.” Yuuri turned to the baby bag and retrieved a small pot of face cream, opening it up. “Can you put the ring down, baby?” Yuuri gestured for Mika to release the teething ring, and to his surprise, Mika removed the ring from between his teeth. “Good boy. Mommy won’t be a minute.” Yuuri unscrewed the lid, dipping his finger in. 

“One, two, three, four.” Yuuri counted as he playfully dotted the cream on to a laughing Mika’s face. With two fingers he gently massaged the cream into Mika’s face, fitting the last bit onto his nose. “There we go, now your face is nice and soft.” Yuuri crooned as Mika immediately salivated all over the teething ring again and bit down into it. Yuuri leaned to press a soft kiss to Mika’s forehead, smiling softly as he ran his hand through Mika’s hair. 

Soon enough, breakfast arrived. Yuuri put a spoonful of blueberry jam into Mika’s fine porridge and allowed it to cool a little while he indulged in his probably diet breaking pancakes. Oh well, Stephane wouldn’t mind. He knew Yuuri had been having a bad time recently. The pancakes were soft and fluffy, making Yuuri feel warm and cosy with each bite of heaven and it didn’t take him long to polish off the plate. 

By now Mika’s porridge was cool enough for Yuuri to feed him. Yuuri quickly removed the teething ring from Mika’s hands and wiped it, setting it back into a zip lock bag and into the baby bag. “Mika, ahh~” Yuuri held up a tiny spoon of porridge to Mika’s lips, watching in amusement as the tiny lips parted to invite the spoon in. “Mmm… is it nice? Yeah?” Mika flailed his arms, a bright grin on his face spreading ear to ear as he had the porridge in his mouth. “Enjoying this, aren’t you?” Yuuri commented as he fed Mika another spoonful. “Looks like we can add porridge to your menu. I don’t think I’ll be able to feed you properly on the plane, but I’ll try my best to find something for you. Maybe a banana and a yoghurt? Sorry about that, baby.” Yuuri sighed softly. 

Eventually Yuuri fed Mika the last spoon. “Aahhmmm. Good boy.” Yuuri cooed as Mika took the last spoon of porridge. After he’d swallowed it Mika opened his mouth for more. Yuuri chuckled. “That’s it, baby, no more.” Yuuri wiped the spoon with an antibacterial wipe and put it back into the baby bag. He pulled a baby wipe and gently swiped it over Mika’s mouth, cleaning up his face. 

“Come on, let’s go out and have some fun.” Yuuri paid the bill, leaving a generous tip and he gathered himself up, Mika’s carrier in one arm and his baby bag slung over his other shoulder. They left the café. Yuuri headed down the street, being sure to keep in proximity to the hotel. Yuuri took Mika down a quiet couple of blocks until they came to the park. 

Yuuri took a seat on the park bench and removed Mika from his carrier, sitting him atop his thighs. He wrapped one arm around Mika’s waist and used the other hand to pull his phone out of his pocket. Leaning down, he settled his chin just above Mika’s shoulder and held his phone out in front of them, the camera on. “Smile, baby.” Yuuri smiled softly, but Mika was paying no attention whatsoever, he just sat staring up at the trees. With a chuckle, Yuuri snapped the perfect photo. 

To: Mom   
[New Image]

Yuuri took a few deep breaths, clearing his heavy mind and trying to file away thoughts and memories from the last week. He hesitantly reinstalled Twitter and Instagram. Yuuri’s thumb hovered over Instagram, reluctant to tap the icon. There was an internal conflict in his mind – should he log in now or later? “Now.” One half of his head told him. “Do it later.” The other half told him. “In fact, not at all.” His selfish demons told him. After an internal monologue with himself, Yuuri logged into his Instagram. The first post he saw was… oh. 

Victor’s picture of Makkachin, sat in the hallway looking up at the wall. There was just a glimpse of a slender black frame right at the top of the image. Yuuri knew exactly which hallway and which wall. He hadn’t realised that photo was still up there, framed. He stared longingly at the picture, biting his lip, hesitant as to whether he should like it or ignore it. He settled for neither. Instead, he read Victor’s caption. 

@v-nikiforov; My beautiful not-so-tiny puppy <3 #makkachin #poodle #dogs #poodlesofinstagram #dogsofinstagram #instapets

The first thing Yuuri noticed was that Victor had knocked “katsuki” out of his username. Of course he would – they were divorced. But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. 

He sighed and pulled up his camera roll and selected a photo of the back of Mika’s head. Mika was sat, back facing Yuuri and playing with his toys when this was taken, his tiny feet just splaying it at the sides. Yuuri spent so, so long trying to find the right way to word his thoughts to his followers, and summarise his life to them in brief sentences. He sighed as he typed and deleted and typed and deleted and typed and deleted over and over again until his sentences actually made some sense.

@y-katsuki; Sorry I was gone for so long but I’m back now. It’s been the longest year and a half of my life but I think I’m finally getting somewhere. In that time I’ve given birth to the most amazing and beautiful baby boy, and I’m trying to get myself back on track after what was the worst times of my life. I’ve spent so long trying to think of how I was going to update everyone but I’ll just get to it I guess. I’ve been chased by my illnesses for as long as I can remember, but last year I thought they finally caught me. My depression pulled me down, my anxiety spiralled out of control, my schizophrenia made me see only blurred lines. A lot happened to me and I almost couldn’t take it anymore. Almost. I spent the longest month of my life in hospital, fighting my demons but I made it. Me and my baby made it. I’m here now and I’m just trying my best. ♡ 

Yuuri hit “post” and immediately turned off his notifications. Sliding his phone back into his pocket, Yuuri held Mika tightly and stood up, holding him against his shoulder. “Isn’t the lake beautiful, baby?” Yuuri stares out at the beautiful water, the sunlight reflecting off the surface and making it glitter. Yuuri turned his back towards the lake and pulled his phone out again. “Smile, baby.” Yuuri smiled softly, and a flash of realisation spread across Mika’s face as he brought his face to press against Yuuri’s soft face with the cheekiest grin. Yuuri’s heart overflowed and exploded with love as he took the photo. 

To: Mom   
[New Image]   
Me and Mika enjoying the sun! <3 

Yuuri moves back to the bench under the tree and sat with Mika on his lap facing him. “How’s my beautiful boy? Are you happy?” Yuuri cooed and Mika gurgled and babbled, his tiny fists flailing as he dribbled, drool leaking from the corner of his lips. Yuuri pulled a wipe from the baby bag and wiped his chin clean. “I’ll take that as a yes, then?” Yuuri kissed Mika’s cheeks, releasing a comforting motherly scent. 

A squirrel ran past their feet, catching Mika’s attention. Yuuri watched as his head turned to follow the squirrel, his arms releasing from around Yuuri’s neck. “What’s wrong, baby? Squirrel?” Yuuri chuckled. “Mmgh!” Mika’s arm reached out, his fingers grasping at nothing as he gestured towards the quickly disappearing squirrel. “Ahh!” Mika squealed with a big grin as he watched the squirrel rummage behind a bush. Yuuri chuckled. 

“Do you like squirrels, baby? I’ll take you to see some when we get home.” Yuuri offered, and Mika wailed in amusement, his big, blue eyes reflecting the sunlight to give the most perfect colour. Yuuri knew he would always be in love with that shade of blue – slightly green in some lights, but mostly a vibrant turquoise. “There’s a squirrel park a train ride away, we can go when we get home.” Yuuri said softly as Mika sat on his lap, watching the small animals go by. “Look there, baby, there’s a rabbit.” Yuuri pointed to a small ball of white fluff, his pointer finger following it as it bounced behind a bush. “Ahh, ahh!” Mika squealed with a big grin, pointing at the bush the rabbit had hidden behind. 

Yuuri and Mika took a wonder around the park, admiring the beautiful scenery before they had to head back to the hotel to collect their luggage and meet Stephane. “Come on baby, let’s head back.” Yuuri strapped Mika back into the baby carrier and swung his bag over his shoulder. “We’ve gotta meet Stephane and get home.” Yuuri picked Mika up and headed back through the quiet Lake Placid streets and towards the hotel.   
———————————————————————  
“Hey, Stephane.” Yuuri smiled as he walked away from the luggage check in desk, a suitcase in hand. 

“Hi. You want me to take that for you?” Stephane asked, holding one hand out. With a grateful smile, Yuuri handed over his suitcase. 

“Thank you.” Yuuri sighed, his hand now free to carry the baby bag on his shoulder. 

“I saw your Instagram post today.” Yuuri looked up at him, his heart skipping a beat as he remembered the caption to the photo. “I’m glad that you feel well enough to come back. Judging by the comments a lot of people missed you. Have you read them yet?”

“O-oh… I wasn’t expecting that.” Yuuri chewed his lip as they left the hotel and packed their stuff into the taxi. “I haven’t read them at all. I just don’t want… questions that I don’t want to answer in the comments so I just haven’t… read them.” Yuuri sighed, looking a little like he’s lost his way. 

“You could turn off the comments, you know?” Stephane suggested as they stepped into the taxi, Yuuri setting Mika into the middle seat. 

“I know, but I want people to be able to ask me questions and engage with me without feeling like I’m making it difficult or pushing them away.” Yuuri’s brow creased in the middle, his hand immediately reaching for Mika’s in the baby carrier. 

“Well you don’t have to think about them now. Focus on getting home safely first.” Yuuri nodded, his lip trapped between his teeth the whole way to the airport.   
———————————————————————  
After a smooth check in at the airport, Yuuri could finally relax a little. He sat down at the gate, removing Mika from his carrier and holding him on his lap. Mika was beginning to get a little bit grumpy, having struggled to sleep through the airport rush. Yuuri held Mika against his chest and rubbed his back gently, hushing him quiet. 

“It’s okay baby, I know you’re tired. You’ve done very well today.” Yuuri cooed quietly, pheromones of honey and lavender permeating the air between them. “Shhh… we’ll be home soon.” Yuuri stood back up, gently cradling an agitated Mika in his arms. “It’s okay, baby, we’ll be back soon.” With a soft smile, Stephane stood up. 

“You take a rest. Get some water and eat something. I’ll take Mika for now.” Stephane offered, and as Stephane stepped closer, Mika seemed to calm a little. Yuuri passed Mika to Stephane. “There we are. You have to be good for Yuuri, you know. It’s very hard for him to juggle everything he has to do, so it’s important for you to be a gem.” Stephane chuckled as Mika grumbled and groaned, burying his face in Stephane’s shoulder. 

Yuuri sat back down and gulped down half a bottle of water and an apple. He let himself close his eyes and clear his head for just a few minutes before standing back up. “Thanks, coach.” Yuuri smiled as he took Mika back. 

“He really is a blessing, you know. Lots of parents would kill to have a child as calm and happy and low maintenance as Mika.” Stephane joked as Yuuri took him back. 

“Sometimes when he’s irritated he can be a bit of a handful, but I’m very grateful for Mika. He’s the only one I have to hold on to, and I want to spend every minute of my life making sure he knows how much I love him.” Yuuri kissed Mika’s forehead, brushing his nose gently against his temple. “My main fear is that children grow up fast. Soon I’ll have no one to hold on to.” Yuuri sighed sadly, brushing his thumb against Mika’s hairline. 

Yuuri tried to lull Mika to sleep, humming and cradling him gently against his shoulder. He could feel drool landing on his shoulder, soaking the fabric. It took a lot of persistence, but eventually, Mika fell asleep on Yuuri’s shoulder, his face pressed against his shoulder and his body lax in Yuuri’s arms. Yuuri used one hand to cradle Mika’s head, feeling as tiny fingers dug into his shoulder. “You’ve been a super star this week, baby. I’m proud of you.” Yuuri said sweetly as Mika stirred against his shoulder. 

It was almost time to board. Yuuri picked up the baby bag and Stephane took the empty carrier.   
“Could you reach into the bag and pull out Mika’s blanket please?” Yuuri asked and Stephane stood up and unzipped the bag on Yuuri’s shoulder, retrieving a fluffy pink minky blanket. “Thanks.” Yuuri took the blanket in his arm, trapping it between his elbow and side. 

When it was time to board Stephane stepped forwards with their passports and boarding passes to get them scanned. “You go first, Yuuri.” Stephane stepped to the side to let Yuuri pass. 

“Thanks.” Yuuri said, passing Stephane as he made his way with Mika down the tunnel, Stephane just steps behind. As they took their seats, Yuuri laid Mika down on the cot attached to the cabin divider in front of him. “Ahh…!” Mika stirred a little as he was put down, the presence of his mother disappearing making him feel uneasy. “Shh, shh, baby. Don’t worry, I’m still here.” Yuuri stayed stood by the cot, calming a frustrated Mika. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I’ll still be here.” Yuuri’s calming motherly scent filled the air around Mika, and the quiet cries eventually ceased. “You’re alright, baby.” Yuuri covered him with his blanket, which was saturated with his scent before he sat back in his seat. 

Mika quieted and Yuuri presumed he’d fallen asleep. Yuuri took his seat and strapped in, his eyes focussed on Mika’s cot. Yuuri was lost in thought, his mind focussed solely on Mika.   
“Is something the matter?” Stephane asked after having watched Yuuri for a few moments. There was no response. “Yuuri?” Stephane trued again, and Yuuri’s head jerked around, almost jumping out of his skin. 

“Huh?” 

“I asked is something the matter.” Stephane repeated as Yuuri’s eyes averted to the floor beneath them. 

“No. Not really. Just… thinking, I guess.” Yuuri responded with a soft sigh. 

“A penny for your thoughts?” Stephane offered as the plane began its taxi to the runway. 

“Welcome aboard the ANA Boeing 787 flight to Tokyo, Haneda International Airport…” 

“Just Mika. How blessed I am to have him on this journey with me. How lucky we both are, even though there’s only two of us all alone. I know mom said it’s fine for us to stay at the onsen, but I can’t do that forever. I make my own money, and I guess it’ll be time for me to leave soon. To find a place just for me and Mika, a safe haven for him to grow up.” Yuuri blurted out his thoughts to Stephane, who just sat and listened. “I’m thinking of getting a small apartment, but I’m not sure where yet. I think it’s important for him to grow up to be able to socialise and meet new people. People with different backgrounds, rather than from the same old village. I want him to appreciate others, to learn to be open minded and caring. I think a big city might be the place for us. But I’ll think about it when I retire. Or maybe even once this season is over I’ll think about moving out elsewhere.” Yuuri sighed, as dilemmas from the future were already on his mind. 

“If I were to move during the off season… would it be okay for us to follow you to Switzerland? Just for my last season.” Yuuri turned his head to face Stephane, a pleading look on his face and his eyes soft. The question took Stephane by surprise – he ways saw Yuuri as someone who was very home-based, rather than someone who would move away from the safety of their own home. 

“Of course you can. Just let me know when you decide what you want to do.” Stephane smiled, and Yuuri let out a sigh of relief. “As long as I’m your coach, I’ll go where you go.” 

“Thanks, coach. I’ll have a think and let you know.”   
———————————————————————  
About four hours into their flight, Mika awoke, just a little more than distressed. Cries broke out through the quiet aircraft and Yuuri immediately shot up out of his seat to pick Mika up.   
“Shh… it’s okay baby, don’t cry.” He held Mika against his shoulder, one arm supporting his body and they other arm cradling his tiny head. “Shh.” Yuuri patted Mika on the back and it didn’t take much for him to quieten down again. 

Yuuri took Mika to sit down with him, seating him on his lap. He pulled the tray table towards him and reached for his bag to reach for the banana he’d bought at the airport. With steady fingers, he peeled the skin back. “Here, Mika, ahh.” Yuuri coaxed Mika’s lips open, and he took a small bite off the end. “Good boy. Is that nice?” Mika quietly chewed on the banana piece, opening his tiny lips for another bite. “Here you go, baby.” Mika smiled happily, his hands flailing to grab the banana. “No, baby.” Yuuri chuckled. “Here, ahh.” Yuuri couldn’t help but melt at Mika’s adorable smile as his tiny teeth bit into the banana. 

Mika pouted, tears welling in his eyes when Yuuri showed him the empty banana skin. “No more, baby. But I do have this for you.” Yuuri reaches for the baby bag again and pulled out a strawberry yoghurt and a silicon baby spoon. “Let’s see if you like this.” He peeled back the lid, scraping the yoghurt off and onto the spoon. “Here, ahhm.” Yuuri held the spoon to Mika’s lips, who took the spoon gratefully, as well as the yoghurt on it. Mika eagerly parted his lips for another spoon of yoghurt, a bright smile covering his face as Yuuri gently scraped the yoghurt from his chin back into his mouth. 

When the yoghurt was finished, Yuuri wipes Mika’s mouth gently with a wipe before burping him. “Good boy. Are you full now? Yeah?” Yuuri cooed as Mika sat in his lap, eyes dropping closed again. With a bit of rocking and soft words, Mika was out like a light again. Standing up, Yuuri gently placed him in the cot, blanket covering him and elephant tucked in his hands. 

“Good night, beautiful boy. Mommy loves you.” Yuuri kissed Mika’s forehead, admiring his sleeping child before settling back down himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap;   
> Victor spends a while trying to find photos of Yuuri from the banquet.  
> Yuuri, Mika and Stéphane land in Japan.   
> Yuuri reads through the comments on his recent post.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri and Mika return from Lake Placid.   
> A short time skip to just before the final.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIRST OF ALL IM SO SORRY ABOUT HOW LATE THIS IS. Sorting my uni stuff has been hectic! 
> 
> Secondly, I got a question about Yuuri’s bond mark so I’ll explain here!   
> When Yuuri and Victor got a divorce Yuuri got an implant to suppress his bond, meaning he can’t feel Victor and Victor can’t feel him. But now a year and a half later the effects of the implant are wearing off, so occasionally, spikes of sensation come through the bond where the implant is failing, hence, sometimes Yuuri can feel Victor and vice versa! 
> 
> Thirdly, here’s Mika’s feeding schedule!   
> Breakfast; he’s breastfed in the morning whenever he decides to wake Yuuri. 
> 
> Lunch; normally eats a jar of baby food. 
> 
> Dinner; something a little more solid, like rice porridge, oats, a banana, yoghurt, things hat are very soft.

Victor’s heart skipped a beat, jumping a million miles an hour as he saw Yuuri’s social media handle appear on his dashboard. Yuuri had reactivated his social media! Victor swallowed a lump in his throat, taking a deep breath as his sweating hands scrolled down slowly, to reveal a picture of the back of Mika’s head. 

Victor took his time to analyse the photo. Mika was but a mere chubby baby, half a year was Victor’s guess, in a baby blue onesie with a hood with bear ears. Victor desperately longed for a photo of Mika’s face. He wanted to know whether this baby was his, he wanted to know how much Yuuri’s son looked like Yuuri. Looked like himself. He scrolled just a little further down to see Yuuri’s caption. 

“@y-katsuki; Sorry I was gone for so long but I’m back now. It’s been the longest year and a half of my life but I think I’m finally getting somewhere. In that time I’ve given birth to the most amazing and beautiful baby boy, and I’m trying to get myself back on track after what was the worst times of my life.” Victor wondered how hard this had been for Yuuri. It had been difficult as it was for Victor, and he couldn’t even bare to imagine how this experience felt for someone as soft hearted and fragile as Yuuri. Victor kept reading. 

“I’ve spent so long trying to think of how I was going to update everyone but I’ll just get to it I guess. I’ve been chased by my illnesses for as long as I can remember, but last year I thought they finally caught me. My depression pulled me down, my anxiety spiralled out of control, my schizophrenia made me see only blurred lines.” This crushed Victor’s heart. It crushed his heart because Victor knew, he knew how he hadn’t taken Yuuri’s illnesses seriously. He knew he’d dismissed Yuuri, who tried to explain them to him. He knew he’d told Yuuri to “just smile” before. Victor never realised, and still doesn’t, how much Yuuri’s condition affected him. 

“A lot happened to me and I almost couldn’t take it anymore. Almost.” What did that mean? Almost? The message was so cryptic. What did Yuuri mean he almost couldn’t take it? Couldn’t take what? Victor was left confused and on edge, needing answers. Victor sighed heavily. He wouldn’t be getting any answers anytime soon. He’d already given Yuuri the impression that he didn’t care about him, it seemed wrong and out of line to suddenly be caring, at least, suddenly caring in Yuuri’s eyes. 

“I spent the longest month of my life in hospital, fighting my demons but I made it. Me and my baby made it. I’m here now and I’m just trying my best. ♡“ Yuuri spent a month in hospital? Victor wondered whether this was before, during, or after Mika’s birth. Lilia had refused to tell him anything, just that Yuuri was in hospital. She hadn’t even told him about Mika – she never told him at all. Victor was kept so in the dark about Yuuri he felt just like any other clueless fan. Maybe that was all he was. A clueless fan. He was no longer a husband, no longer a partner, no longer a friend, or even an acquaintance. Just someone who had tainted Yuuri’s past.

Victor saved the photo to his collection on Instagram, before promptly closing the app. He turned onto his side, burying his face in Makkachin’s fur, and hugging the pillow Yuuri used to sleep on. Yuuri’s fresh scent was long gone, but it was the sentiment that was important to Victor – no matter how many times he’d cleaned the bedroom and changed the sheets, he’d refused to remove the pillowcase from that pillow. Makkachin had learnt that she wasn’t allowed to sleep on the left side of the bed, she wasn’t even allowed to sit there. That space was left for mere memories of Yuuri’s life with Victor – the quiet moments they shared, the happy moments they shared, the intimate moments they shared. 

Victor turned to face what was once Yuuri’s side of the bed. The bedside cabinet, which once held a photo taken on their honeymoon and a lamp, was now bare. The drawers, which once held their wedding photo album in the bottom, and Yuuri’s face cream in the top, were now empty. When Yuuri walked out for the very last time, Victor could physically see black and white climbing up the walls of what was once a colourful home around him. What used to be such a warm, bright and vibrant home had turned to an empty, cold and colourless house in a matter of seconds. Victor sighed heavily, turning back towards Makkachin.   
———————————————————————  
It was a long flight from New York to Tokyo, but they finally made it. Yuuri was quick to pick Mika up out of the cot as Stephane retrieved the baby carrier from the overhead locker.   
“Thanks, coach.” Yuuri said gratefully as he set the carrier on the seat and strapped Mika in, picking up the baby bag. 

“No problem. Our next flight is in an hour, so we should be okay for time before the plane to Fukuoka.” Stephane said as they queued to disembark the aircraft. “Only a short flight though, an hour and a half will pass in a breeze.” 

Stephane was… wrong. It took them so long to get off the plane that by the time they were off they had to make a quick dash for their transfer flight. After what was the most frantic thirty minutes of Yuuri’s life, they finally made it to their next gate and were just in time for the boarding queue.   
“I lied.” Stephane sighed with a chuckle. “We were not okay for time.” Yuuri laughed as their boarding passes were scanned and they made their way to the aeroplane.

“No, we weren’t. But we’re here now and that’s all that matters. Isn’t that right, baby?” Yuuri cooed to Mika, who was surprisingly calm throughout their frantic escapade. When they found their seats Yuuri settled Mika down into the cot, who this time, seemed much more comfortable with the idea of Yuuri being more out of sight. “A week off before we’re out flying again for Rostelecom.” Yuuri sighed, partly out of exhaustion and partly out of relief, sort of. “And hopefully for the grand prix final.” 

“Are you worried?” Stephane asked as Yuuri settled in his seat and strapped in.

“Huh?”

“Are you worried? About the Grand Prix final?” Yuuri chewed his bottom lip, his teeth pulling the skin as he pondered the question. Yuuri didn’t really know what to say. 

“It… terrifies me.” Yuuri sighed softly. “Even if I can grab a spot I’m going to face things I’m not ready to face. Things I wanted to leave behind will come back to haunt me, and people I’m not ready to face will be right in front of me before I know it.” Yuuri was trying to untangle the mess of his thoughts, his brow creasing in the middle. 

“There’s a lot I’m dreading, like the usual embarrassment, not making the podium, feeling sick to my stomach and stuff like that but one… thing in particular makes me just want to drop out now and never look back.” Yuuri’s lip quivered slightly, his breath shaking. “I’ve not seen him for a year and a half. I’ve dreaded seeing him again for so long and I knew it would happen someday but I never expected it to be so soon.” Yuuri took a deep breath, closing his eyes. The very thought of the aircraft taking off was just shoved to the back of his head. 

“I thought it would be five, ten years before I would need to look back at something I would have hopefully moved on from. But I’m still grieving and it’s just going to be thrown back in my face all over again. How much of a failure I am, how worthless I am.” Yuuri couldn’t stop the flow of tears that streamed down his eyes as he clenched his teeth, biting back floods and rivers. “I hate the way he makes me feel. I hate it so much. It gives me anxiety and it makes me so nervous and it scares me. I hate it. I wish I could never feel things at all.” Yuuri spat bitterly under his breath. 

“I’m not worried about skating at all. I’m worried about what comes with the skating. It keeps me awake at night, the thought of seeing him again does. It keeps my eyes open and my brain awake no matter how exhausted and done my body is. It disturbs my sleep. I lose sleep over something as trivial as a reencounter. And I hate it. It makes me feel so weak and vulnerable. Haven’t I felt like that enough already?” Yuuri bit, balling his hands into fists on his lap. 

“I just feel so alone. Like it’s just me and Mika against the world. I know I have you, and my family, my friends. But I also feel like there’s a wall that still stands between me and you guys. One that Victor managed to break down but now there’s… no one. It’s like knocking on the door and no one answers.” Yuuri took a deep breath. “He was my rock, my shield. He meant everything to me and he was everything to me. My entire world. But I guess I was just a passing part of his.” Yuuri spat sourly as he fought back more salty tears. He refused to cry over him anymore. “I guess I’m just looking to mean something to someone.”

“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to listen to me complain about stupid, trivial things. I’m just being stupid I’m sorry you probably just want to sleep so I’ll just…” Yuuri pursed his lips shut and stared at the hands in his lap. 

“Yuuri.” Yuuri felt a warm, comforting hand on his shoulder. He lifted his head up. “You can tell me these things you know. I’m not just a coach and choreographer. I’m your mentor, dietician, therapist, whatever you want me to be. If that includes listening as you spill out your deepest thoughts, that’s fine too. You’re allowed to feel, you know. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re doing a great job at everything.” Stephane flashed a smile and Yuuri just instantly didn’t feel so bad. 

“I’m sorry.” Yuuri whispered, his voice raspy and throat swollen from crying. 

“Take a rest for now. You’re thinking too much.” Stephane advised and Yuuri nodded, tucking himself into the complementary blanket. “We can talk about this again when we get home, if you’d like. But for now, you’re tired and you should sleep.” Stephane couldn’t help but feel sorry for Yuuri. He knew Yuuri hated being pitied, but it was hard to not feel god awful for him. With a sigh, Stephane reclined his chair back, hoping to get some rest. 

It wasn’t long before Yuuri was out like a light – Yuuri normally took a long time to sleep, Stephane knew because when Yuuri trained for two months in Switzerland Stephane often found Yuuri awake at ridiculous hours of the morning, sat on the windowsill. It was a more common occurrence than Yuuri liked to admit, and even if he denied it Stephane knew he struggled to sleep most days of the week. Whether it was stress or insomnia Stephane didn’t know. 

About fifteen minutes after Yuuri fell asleep Mika began to stir, waking up. Soft grumbles came from the cot as Mika kicked his leg up, trying to sit up. Stephane watched as Yuuri continued to sleep and he stood up, making his way over to Mika. “Yuuri’s asleep, so you’re going to have to be a little quiet, Mika.” Stephane smiled as he picked Mika up out of the cot and into his arms. “You just after some attention?” Stephane asked as Mika immediately calmed after being picked up. 

Stephane stood and held Mika for a decent amount of time, probably about twenty minutes or so before Yuuri’s eyes fluttered open, blurred images soon refocusing and clearing up. He sat up properly, smiling as he saw Stephane holding Mika.   
“Is he okay?” Yuuri asked and Stephane turned around. 

“Yeah, he’s fine, just wanted some attention. How do you feel? We’ll be landing in a bit.” Stephane asked. At the sound of his mother’s voice Mika immediately turned his head, both arms reaching out, almost trying to free himself from Stephane. 

“Alright baby, I’m coming.” Yuuri sighed with a gentle smile as he stood from his seat and took Mika from Stephane’s arms. “I feel better. Like they say, when in doubt, take a nap.” Yuuri joked. Mika immediately relaxed into Yuuri’s shoulder, his eyes closing again as Yuuri’s scent comforted him. Once Mika had settled and was content again Yuuri strapped him back into the cot and sat back down to prepare for landing.   
———————————————————————  
They stepped into the taxi after packing the boot, Mika in the middle and Stephane and Yuuri by the doors. “Last leg baby, we’ll be home soon.” Yuuri crooned softly as Mika gripped onto his finger a strong, yet small hand. “Just a bit longer solnyshko.” Yuuri cooed, his voice gentle and full of love. 

When they pulled up outside the onsen Yuuri got out of the taxi, Mika in one hand while Stephane opened the boot to pass him his suitcase. “Take the day off tomorrow. Clear your head and have a good nights sleep.” Stephane said as Yuuri made his way to the walkway before the entrance. 

“Sure thing. Then, I’ll see you on Tuesday at the rink normal time?” Yuuri confirmed and Stephane nodded. 

“See you Tuesday.”

“See you.” Yuuri watched as Stephane got back into the taxi, waiting for it to leave before turning towards the inn. “Come on baby, just you and me now.” Yuuri carries Mika in his carrier and his suitcase through the open door. “Tadaima.” He kicked his trainers off as his mother came bouncing through the door. 

“Okaeri, Yuuri, Mika!” Hiroko greeted with a big grin as she took Mika from Yuuri to allow him to hang his coat. 

“Where’s dad?” Yuuri asked, looking around the hallway. 

“He’s in the kitchen, he’s a little busy at the moment so I’ll let him know you’re home.” But Yuuri shook his head, taking Mika back. 

“If he’s busy let him work. I’ll greet him later.” Yuuri said as he gripped his suitcase. “Me and Mika are about knocked out, so we’re going to take a nap.” Yuuri chuckled softly and as if he understood, Mika yawned cutely, his little nose scrunching up as his arms stretched out before tucking themselves back in again. 

“Alright. I’ll make some food for when you wake up and leave it in the kitchen for you. Go and get to sleep.” Hiroko have her son a quick hug and a kiss on the forehead. 

“Thanks, mom.” Yuuri sighed softly before heading upstairs to bed.   
———————————————————————  
Two weeks later Yuuri came home with a silver medal after the Rostelecom cup, falling just short of Phichit by half a point. They were both going to the Grand Prix final. Yuuri couldn’t help but be thankful for Phichit’s presence – he’d really need it. Upon returning home from Moscow after Rostelecom, Yuuri immediately settled himself up into bed, Mika on his lap and pulled up the standings to see who else would be competing, swallowing a lump in his throat as the list came up. 

Yuri Plisetsky.

Jean-Jaques LeRoy. 

Yuuri Katsuki. 

Phichit Chulanont. 

Minami Kenjirou. 

Guang-Hong Ji. 

Yuuri gulped. The competition would be heavy, but maybe that would work in his favour. Yuuri tried hard to just focus on skating and nothing else. Nothing else would cross his mind. No one else would cross his mind. Yuuri took a deep breath and locked his phone, putting it down on the bedside cabinet. With a gold and silver medal under his belt, this season was looking good. But the Grand Prix was only the beginning; there were still two other major competitions after the final, and those gold medals would be Yuuri’s. 

There was a part of Yuuri who wanted to shrivel away and quit already. The pressure equates to what Yuuri imagined it would be like to drown – the weight of the water would crush your ribcage and organs, and your bones would feel weak and muscles numb. Yuuri hated it. It made him feel sick to his stomach. But he had to make it through this season. This season was for him to close old chapters and write new ones and if he shied away now he’d be stuck in limbo forever. 

He still had to think about moving; it was something he needed to discuss with Stephane. He can’t keep getting in the way of his parents running the inn. To be honest, Yuuri wanted somewhere fresh. Somewhere that wasn’t Japan, somewhere that wasn’t Russia, somewhere he’d never lived before. But what about Mika? Yuuri worried about how leaving Japan would affect Mika. He felt backed into a corner, lost for what to do. Yuuri filed away the thoughts at the back of his mind for now. 

Yuuri put his phone down on the bedside table and gently lifted Mika off his lap so he could lie on his side, Mika sat next to his chest. Yuuri wrapped one arm around Mika’s body, watching with a soft smile as Mika occupied himself with a baby biscuit in one hand and a toy in the other. “Would you like to move to Switzerland with me? Just for the season.” Yuuri cooed, asking as if Mika understood. “You came with me for two months after you were born, you know. You were loving the winter snow.” Yuuri laughed, remembering as a four month old Mika occupied himself by the window, hands flat on the glass and cooing as snow fell. 

“Enjoyed your biscuit, baby?” Yuuri reaches over to the bedside table again to retrieve the packet of biscuits, pulling one more. “Want more?” He offered as the last little bit of the biscuit (and Mika’s fingers) went into his mouth. Mika laughed at the sight of the biscuit and Yuuri gently held it to his lips, watching as tiny teeth nibbled. Both of Mika’s hands came up, grasping the biscuit firmly. “My beautiful boy.” Yuuri sighed, chuffed with himself as he ran a hand through Mika’s soft locks, pressing a kiss to his temple. 

Once Mika had finished his biscuit, Yuuri sat up, grabbing a soft cloth to wipe his face of drool.   
“Shall we go out? It looks like it’ll snow tonight.” Yuuri asked and Mika cooed, his smile brighter than Yuuri’s life had ever been. “Yeah?” Yuuri sat up off the bed and grabbed Mika’s winter coat – another onesie, this time with a navy blue waterproof shell, stuffed with feathers and quilted to a fur lining, designed to fit over his baby-grow. Yuuri slipped Mika into the coat and layered on two hats before pulling his hood on. 

“There we are, all ready to go for a walk.” Yuuri smiled before lifting Mika into the baby carrier to strap him in. “Hold on, baby.” Yuuri reaches behind his bedroom door and pulled a thick winter coat, and some winter wear. He slid himself into the coat before covering his head with a hat and his hands with gloves. Yuuri then covered Mika with a thick blanket and snapped a hand warmer, placing it between the blanket and Mika. “Let’s go.” 

Yuuri took Mika and headed out of the inn, making sure to let his mother know where he was going and how long he’d be. They stepped into the frosty December air, the trees covered in frost flakes and the atmosphere freezing. But not quite cold enough to snow. “We’ll just walk along the beach and head back.” Yuuri said as he carried Mika out to the beach, making sure to stay well away from the waters. 

Mika stared up in awe at the evening sky as the waves crashed against the frosty shorelines. Yuuri’s cold breath dissipated into the air, the clouds of white fading a split second after each breath he took. Though the air was cold and the sky was clear, Yuuri felt nothing but warmth as they walked. This was the perfect opportunity for Yuuri to clear his head and organise his thoughts. He’d be flying out for the final in just a few days and he had to prepare himself for… things he couldn’t or didn’t want to face. 

There were decisions he had to make, things he had to do which plagued his mind and he needed to solve them before the final, lest they affect his performance. Facing Victor was the most prominent situation roaming around in his head. As soon as he saw Mika he would know. He would know he baby was his. He would know that Yuuri deliberately hid this from him, and he would be angry. Yuuri just couldn’t see Victor as someone who was able to understand him anymore. So much had changed about them both that there was no way they could ever see eye to eye again. 

Yuuri allowed himself to worry and get lost in his thoughts, but before he knew it he arrived back at the inn. He kicked his shoes off his feet and carried Mika to his room, who by now, was fast asleep. Yuuri stares at Mika, unstrapping him from the carrier and carefully removing his coat. Yuuri kissed his nose and his forehead and Mika’s hand immediately grasped for Yuuri’s finger. Tears welled in Yuuri’s eyes – whether they were tears of guilt, or happiness, or frustration, or pride he didn’t know. But there were tears of mixed emotions. 

He stroked his baby boy’s cheek one more time before laying him down in the cot, kissing him goodnight. 

“Night, Mika. Mommy loves you more than anyone in the universe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap;   
> Yuuri and Mika fly out to Canada for the Grand Prix Final


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night leading up to the short program, and the morning of.

Yuuri’s stomach hitched as he threw up again in the aeroplane toilets, hands braced either side of the bowl, head dizzy and eyes unfocussed as Stephane rubbed his back. Vomit and saliva dribbled down his chin as Stephane wiped his chin, disposing of the tissue. 

“Are you alright now?” Yuuri weakly nodded. Stephane sighed, trying to figure out why Yuuri was suddenly vomiting – it couldn’t be food, they ate the same things yesterday. Travel sickness? No way, Yuuri always travels without a problem. The flu or another illness? Unlikely, Yuuri was only vomiting, he had no fever at all. And then it clicked. Anxiety. 

Yuuri had been relatively quiet and withdrawn over the last few days, and even though Stephane knew the final was approaching, he really didn’t think much of it at all. He just thought maybe Yuuri was tired. He sighed to himself. This was the first time he’d ever seen Yuuri throw up before. 

“Is something on your mind?” Stephane asked as Yuuri splashed his face with water. Yuuri stares blankly into the mirror for a moment as he hesitated, before shaking his head. 

“I-I’m okay…” Yuuri unlocked the stall to the bathroom and walked out, quietly making his way back to his seat, and Mika. 

“Don’t forget to take your medication then.” Stephane reminded as they sat down, and Yuuri smiled softly. 

“I won’t.” Yuuri reached for his bag, about to pull out the pouch holding his medication, when Mika let out a shriek. 

“BWAHHHHHHHHH!” Yuuri jumped out of his skin, scrambling to get to Mika. Yuuri swiftly picked Mika out of the baby cot and held him against us shoulder. 

“Shhh, baby, shh. It’s okay.” As soon as Mika’s head fell against Yuuri’s shoulder, he quieted, tiny fingers digging into Yuuri’s shoulder as he closed his eyes, soft sniffles coming from him as Yuuri gently stroked his head. “A bad dream, baby? It’s okay, mommy’s here.” Yuuri stood, gently rocking Mika against his shoulder as tiny whimpers left his soft lips. Yuuri sat back down in his seat, Mika against his chest, hands running up and down his back to lull him to sleep again. 

It didn’t take long for a previously crabby and irritated Mika to fall asleep again. The soft weight against Yuuri’s chest was such a precious feeling that it was bittersweet to place him back in the cot. Yuuri stood back up, kissing Mika’s forehead before laying him back down and covering him with his soft blanket. With one more smile Yuuri moved back to his seat, relaxing down into the complimentary blanket.

Yuuri couldn’t stop thinking about the final. He was on the plane— to the final. Fuck… in less than twenty four hours time he’d have to skate his short. And… Victor would see it. Victor would see just how weak… just how vulnerable he was. Victor would see right through him and think “wow. I actually married this pathetic dime-a-dozen skater.” He’d think “wow. I can’t believed I shared a heat with this omega.” Or “I can’t believe I had sex with him for three years.” And Yuuri just felt sick to his stomach all over again. 

“Don’t break down yet, don’t break down yet.” Yuuri told himself as he bit his lip through the last leg of his flight. Only an hour left. Yuuri let out a shaky sigh, closing his eyes to catch a nap before they landed. And… to sleep his problems away, even just for a little while.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri was exhausted when they landed in Vancouver. Yuuri thanked his lucky stars that the hotel was only fifteen minutes away. The taxi ride was deafeningly silent. Yuuri just wanted to get to his room and throw up and cry. 

Stephane seemed to notice Yuuri’s persistent low mood, but knowing Yuuri, he’d deny anything was wrong if he asked. “You know, if you need anything you can tell me.” Stephane offered, and Yuuri looked up from his lap like a deer in headlights. He hesitated, before nodding with a quiet “thanks, coach.” 

Yuuri couldn’t bring himself to smile at all. He was just so on edge. His heart was running wild, jittering with nerves as his hands and fingers trembled. How anyone expected him to skate tomorrow was a miracle. Yuuri couldn’t wait to get home. He couldn’t care less about a medal, or a banquet, or skating, he just wanted to go home and hide away forever. Just the thought of Victor made him physically sick. 

Yuuri got out of the taxi quietly, his suitcase in one hand and Mika in the other as he followed Stephane to check in. 

“You should get a good night’s sleep. If you need anything I’ll be in the room next door.” Stephane smiled as he handed Yuuri his key card. Yuuri let out a sigh of relief, smiling back as he took the card. 

“Thank you.” Yuuri presses the button for the elevator and waited. “Hey Stephane?” 

“Yes?” 

“After this season, I’d like to follow you for my last season to Switzerland.” Yuuri declared as they stepped into the elevator. “I need new scenery. I need to see somewhere that doesn’t feel painful, and somewhere to create new memories.” Yuuri explained, subconsciously gripping Mika’s carrier tighter. 

“Will Mika be coming, too?” Yuuri nodded. 

“I want him to follow me. To see somewhere new and experience different things. I want him to experience life in a new place, even if it’s just for a little while. It may be hard for him, not seeing my parents for a while. But I hope my love alone is enough to help him cope well.” Yuuri smiled at the baby in the basket fondly. 

“Alright. I’ll sort everything out for you. Let’s aim for after the world team trophy.” Stephane said encouragingly, and Yuuri flashed back the weakest smile, but a smile nonetheless as they stepped out of the elevator. “Good night, Yuuri.” Stephane said, swiping his card to open his room door. 

“Good night, coach.”  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri put Mika to sleep before allowing himself to break down. He slid down onto the floor, back braced against the side of the bed and knees tucked up. Everything was just piling up on him. It felt like the walls were closing in on him, crushing his whole body under the weight of the world, under the weight of his disappointment. 

Yuuri let out a choked sob, his fingernails digging into his arms, scratching and clawing at the anxiety crawling along his skin. His chest felt tight, like his lungs were going to collapse and his heart was going to explode. Yuuri’s head was clouded with emotion, little voices ringing in his ear— “no one has and will ever love you,”. “No one is proud of you,”. “You’re all alone.” And god, Yuuri couldn’t stop the voices if he wanted to. 

It was not an unknown fact that Yuuri had a plethora of mental conditions. But the one he never spoke about was actually the one that haunted a lot of his teenage years. Schizophrenia. It was mild, but it was there. It was lurking, and waiting to fuck up Yuuri’s whole life. It was like a shadow, following Yuuri through his brightest days, threatening to make everything shatter. 

When he first met Victor his condition was relatively stable, rather dormant. Yuuri was allowed to get on with his life, was allowed to forget it existed. But it came back full force when they split. The stress of the divorce, the stress of his pregnancy caused him to relapse. It was like he fell down a deep dark pit and had no idea how to get out. Vivid sounds, delusions, filled his head, and flashes of visions made him delirious. Yuuri had an unusual and worrying number of episodes during that time. Episodes that once he’d snapped out of, he could remember very little. And of what he could remember, he couldn’t tell what was real and what was in his head. 

Paired with his depression and anxiety made Yuuri spiral out of control. He became, to put it simply, a threat to himself and to little unborn Mika. And he would never forgive himself, not now, not in ten years time. He would never forgive himself. 

He would have to face Victor tomorrow. He would have to see him, no matter how much he hated it. Once he stepped into the arena he would see him. Yuuri wasn’t even sure he would be able to get through his short program. And god, the thought of disappointing Stephane was eating away at him. Stephane had spent so long helping Yuuri, accompanying him to therapy, helping him with Mika. Yuuri was scared to disappoint him. 

Yuuri… hated himself. He couldn’t point out a single thing about himself that he liked. Everything about him was just disgusting. Nasty. From his irrational personality, to his scarred thighs and scratched arms, to his fat stomach. Everything was shameful and it just added to Yuuri’s never ending list of stress inducers. 

Yuuri cried, trying his best to keep his heaving breaths quiet, as not to wake Mika. Croaked sounds broke from his throat, filling the silent air. His eyes were puffy and red, his hair disheveled and his face just an ugly mess. Ugly. Yuuri’s breaths were laboured, his head pounding and his ears ringing loudly. There was not a peak of sound to be heard throughout the room yet Yuuri just felt so overwhelmed. Everything was deafeningly loud. Everything was clouding his head. Everything was just so much and he felt like he had no space to breathe and no where to go and nothing to head for and— 

Yuuri tried to take a deep, shaky breath. His nails left crescent shaped indents on his arms, dragging down to harsh red lines right down his forearms. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a panic attack like this, or if he’d ever had one like this. Not even through the breakup and through his hospital stay nothing had ever felt like this. Yuuri tried to think of something, anything that would pull his attention away. 

Victor. 

Yuuri tried to imagine that soft voice, full of love and patience and adoration. It was ringing in the back of his head, pulling Yuuri’s attention to the voice like many times before. Only this time, it doesn’t work. Yuuri found himself trapped in memories of Victor, each one wilting and becoming more and more bitter. The memory of them laying in bed together turned angry and sour. The memory of their first heat together turned into Yuuri’s worst nightmare. Even the memory of their wedding day. That faded away like dust, now tarnished and tainted. 

He was well and truly alone. 

There was no one there for Yuuri anymore. 

He had nobody. 

Nobody loved him. 

Yuuri kept chasing after people, chasing after his loved ones with a hand out, begging for help, only to be turned away as the figures faded.  
“Please… help me…” He begged to the empty surroundings of his head, his own voice echoing back at him. 

It took Yuuri what felt like hours before he could open his eyes properly. His head hurt, a sharp throb piercing through his frontal lobe as he slowly calmed himself down. Mustering as much strength as he could, Yuuri gripped the edge of the bed, trying to force his shaking legs to stand, but his efforts were fruitless. He felt weak. So weak. Trembling hands reached for the bag on the bed and fumbled with the zip. 

He forced himself to take down a cocktail of pills, swallowing them dry. Yuuri had no strength left. He stayed on the floor for a while, trying to keep himself together. After an eternity and a half, Yuuri managed to drag himself onto the bed. He was an absolute mess; he hadn’t even showered or changed out of his flight clothes. Exhaustion came over him as soon as his head hit the pillow.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri longed to just sleep, his stomach just filled with dread. Once again he was woken up by his precious alarm clock, also known as Mika. With a groan, he sat up, finding himself sweaty and gross and in desperate need of a shower. Oh well, that would have to wait. He sat up, pushing himself up off of the bed to tend to Mika. 

“I’m coming, baby.” Yuuri smiled weakly, leaning over Mika to pick him up. “I take it you’re hungry, aren’t you?” Yuuri chuckled, carrying Mika over to the bed to sit down. Mika clawed at Yuuri’s breast, blunt fingertips scraping the tender flesh. “Oww—! Mika, please.” Yuuri chuckled, unbuttoning his shirt. “Here you are.” Mika immediately latched onto Yuuri’s nipple, quickly quieting. 

Yuuri let out a sigh of relief and a soft smile as Mika closed his eyes, content against Yuuri’s chest. He fed his little son until he fell asleep, the pressure leaving his tender breast as Mika’s lips loosened. Mika’s head rested on Yuuri’s soft breast, now out like a light, much to Yuuri’s relief; he could finally take that shower.

He carried Mika back over to the cot and grabbed his things to shower. Yuuri sighed softly, shutting the bathroom door and hanging his towel on the door. Victor used to do that for him, hang his towel and put his clothes on the counter. Yuuri turned the shower on, waiting for the water to come up to temperature before stepping in. The hot water pelted against his skin, massaging his aching muscles. The glass of the shower cubicle steamed up, his breath condensing against the glass as he began to massage shampoo into his hair. Victor used to do that for him too. 

Yuuri rinsed the shampoo out of his hair, his fingers sweeping his hair back away from his forehead to remove the soap bubbles. Once his hair was free of suds Yuuri picked up his bath sponge, squeezing a generous blob of shower gel. Yuuri washes his arms and legs and back, marvelling in how much easier it was now that he wasn’t pregnant. Washing his back had been impossible – it had been his mother who helped him out, as ashamed as he was to admit it. That’s something else Victor used to do for him too. Though Yuuri supposed that Victor also used to love him. Oh, how the tables have turned. 

Yuuri stayed in the shower until his skin was scalding and he was practically about to faint before stepping out. He had two hours to dry off, eat breakfast, do his hair, change into his short program costume, and get to the rink. His mind just wasn’t in it today. Yuuri was unbelievably nervous – his bottom lip trapped between his teeth without even realising it. 

Yuuri ordered breakfast to his room; something simple, just some granola, yoghurt, and some fruit. He stared at it. He picked up the spoon to the granola, but he just couldn’t stomach it. Yuuri fiddled around with the granola, scooping it onto the spoon before letting it drop back into the bowl. It took Yuuri what felt like hours to be able to stomach the entire bowl of granola, by which point it had gone slightly soggy. He saved the yoghurt and banana for Mika later. 

Yuuri quickly checked up on Mika, kissing his forehead before running to get changed and do his hair. It’s taken him so long to stomach breakfast that he now only had just under an hour to sort himself out. See, most skaters would get changed in the locker rooms at the rink. But not Yuuri. Yuuri would do anything to avoid the company of anyone at the moment. He just felt so sick and disgusting. 

He slid his short program costume on and his trainers, making sure to put the bag with his skates and spare clothes by the door. Yuuri grabbed his team jacket from the back of the chair and put it on over his costume, zipping it up, lest Mika pull at his crystals. 

“Baby,” Yuuri cooed, preparing to wake Mika up to leave. “It’s time to leave now.” Yuuri woke Mika up gently, softly touching his cheek and watching as he stirred, grumbling as he awoke from his slumber. Mika looked up at Yuuri with grumpy, beady cerulean eyes, almost looking annoyed. But Yuuri couldn’t help but laugh fondly at his son. His mannerisms resembled his father so much… 

Yuuri picked Mika up, his arm wrapped around Yuuri’s neck and tiny fingers gripping the shoulder of Yuuri’s team jacket, baby teeth sinking in to the fabric of his shoulder as well. “I already fed you, baby. Eating at my shoulder, are you still hungry?” Yuuri laughed, gently patting Mika’s head. “I have a banana and a yoghurt for you, don’t worry.” Yuuri kissed Mika’s head before settling him down into the baby carrier. “Let’s go and meet Stephane, now.” Mika babbled, staring up at Yuuri with these big eyes and Yuuri— melted. Everything was just suddenly so much brighter. 

With Mika in one arm and his bag over his shoulder, Yuuri left the room and closed the door, hitting the button for the lift to meet Stephane at reception. Yuuri could feel his lungs trembling with every breath, his legs shaking as the elevator went down. He could already feel his blood beginning to run cold. God, he was so nervous. He gripped tightly onto Mika’s carrier as he stepped out of the elevator to greet Stephane. 

“Morning. How you feeling?” Stephane asked as Yuuri approached him. 

“Morning. Not great, to be honest.” Yuuri sighed wearily. “Feeling pretty rough. But I think I’ll be okay.” Yuuri smiled softly as they left the hotel for the arena. Each step they took got them closer and closer to the arena and Yuuri’s nerves were off the scale. The short walk to the arena was silent, a little bit tense, but mainly a comfortable silence between coach and student. 

“Just remember that during the conference if you don’t want to answer a question, you don’t have to answer it.” Stephane reminded as they entered the arena. “Or I can answer it for you.” Yuuri nodded as he took a shaky deep breath as Stephane held the main door open for him. 

“I’m scared shitless.” Yuuri huffed, trying to make a joke out of his nerves. 

“You’ll be fine. You’ve worked hard for this, so don’t let one face bring you to your knees. You can do it.” Stephane reassured with a hand on his shoulder. “There’s an hour before the six minute warm up so if you want we can find somewhere quiet to go over your program, calm your nerves a little, something like that.” Yuuri allowed a weary smile to cross his face. 

“Please. That sounds nice.” Yuuri allowed Stephane to lead him to a quiet corridor just behind the ice. It was quiet, footsteps echoing as they sat on the bench by the window. Yuuri released a sigh, picking Mika up out of his carrier to hold him. Mika stirred a little, pushing his face into the crook of Yuuri’s neck. Yuuri was beginning to feel much calmer with Mika at his side, his head beginning to clear and his worries beginning to fade.

“Are you okay, Yuuri?” And god… Yuuri had been holding it together for so long. As soon as Stephane asked Yuuri just sobbed, shaking his head as he bit his lip. 

“No… I just… I feel so out of place. I don’t feel like myself at all. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere, like a jigsaw piece in the wrong puzzle. It’s like I’ve lost my way – I don’t even know who I am anymore. Just trying to keep track of everything has made me lose myself and I don’t know what to do.” Yuuri held on tightly to Mika, one arm around his tiny body as he held him for comfort. 

“Is this on a personal level or a skating level?” Stephane asked, hoping to get Yuuri to open up more. It had taken Stephane so long to get Yuuri to tell him even the slightest thing about himself, but over the last year or so it had become easier for Yuuri to trust Stephane and open up little by little.

“Both I guess?” Yuuri whispered as he tried to control his breathing. “I feel like I don’t… belong on the ice. It feels wrong and I hate it. I want it to feel right and I want to feel like I belong there but… something just pushes me away from it.” Yuuri pulled the skin off his bottom lip with his teeth, his lip now bleeding slightly. “I love skating. It’s always been my life line. But recently it just feels so wrong.” Yuuri let out a shaky sigh amongst his tears. 

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Stephane asked, passing Yuuri a tissue from his corgi shaped tissue box. He took it gratefully, dabbing his eyes dry and wiping his leaking nose. 

“I don’t… I don’t know…” Yuuri mumbled. “I think I need to find myself first.” Yuuri sighed softly, dabbing his crying eyes once more, now red and swollen and face splotchy. 

“If you ever think of how I can help you, tell me. I want to support you the best I can.” Stephane smiled. “Is there anything else you need to get off your chest or talk about before we head to the ice?” Yuuri shook his head. 

“No… I don’t think so.” 

“Shall we head out then?” Yuuri gulped. He inhaled a deep breath, his heart thumping a mile a minute. Hesitantly, he nodded. 

“O-Okay…” Stephane took Mika from Yuuri while Yuuri quickly put his skates on before handing him back. Stephane picked up the empty baby carrier, and Yuuri cradled Mika against his chest. “Let’s go…” Yuuri sighed, trembling. 

Yuuri felt… awful. He was skating second to last; that meant there were four other skaters that he had to tremble nervously through before he could skate. Phichit was first. Then JJ, and after him was Minami. Before Yuuri was… Yuri. And then last to skate was Guang-Hong. Yuuri stepped into the arena from behind the curtains, the ice sending chills up his spine. He could hear the crowd cheering as they waited for the announcement of the six minute warm up. 

Yuuri didn’t even notice the prominent presence of the Thai skater and his teammate-slash-rival until they were towered over him. 

“Yuuri!” They both screeched, their faces covered with a wide smile that warmed Yuuri’s heart. No matter how lost Yuuri was at the moment, the fact that people cared about him made everything just that little bit more bearable. 

“Phichit-kun, Minami-kun!” Yuuri beamed. “I missed you guys.” He smiled fondly. “Mika is asleep at the moment, but you can say hi to him.” Yuuri chuckled as Phichit in particular cooed over Mika and over who was the cooler uncle. Until Yuri came over. 

“Oi. I think the best uncle award goes to me.” Yuri flashed a smug smile in Yuuri’s direction. “Katsudon. How’re you doing?” Yuuri’s face visibly relaxed upon seeing Yuri. 

“Yurio.” He sighed in relief. “I’m fine, me and Mika both. How have you been? I’m… sorry… it’s been a long time since we last spoke.” Yuuri began to feel guilty, having neglected their friendship. 

“Seriously it’s fine. As long as squirt is fine. He needs your attention. I’m glad to see you’re alright.” Yuri smiled fondly for a split second before— “but I’m still gonna kick your ass.” And the smug smirk returned. 

“Bring it.” Yuuri challenged. “It’s great to see you again.” The question “where’s Victor?” almost slid from Yuuri’s lips, but he cut himself off. He didn’t need to know. He didn’t need to care. All that mattered was that Yurio was there, and the rest of his friends were there too. Nothing else mattered.

After a short conversation the group of friends dispersed back to their coaches. And just as Yuuri was looking around, a pair of turquoise pools identical to his son’s own caught his eye. They were wide, blown open in shock, and just as blue as Yuuri had always remembered. They held his gaze for what felt like hours. Yuuri’s mind was so confused. He felt happy, but angry, but disappointed, but sad, all at once. Yuuri immediately felt sick. His head was beginning to spin and his blood ran cold, freezing up immediately.

“Welcome to the ISU Grand Prix of Figure Skating Senior Men’s Final in Vancouver. We would like to invite the following skaters to the six minute warm up; Phichit Chulanont of Thailand, Jean-Jaques LeRoy of Canada, Guang-Hong Ji of China, Minami Kenjirou of Japan, Yuuri Katsuki of Japan, and Yuri Plisetsky of Russia.” 

“‘M gonna be sick.” Stephane immediately took Mika from Yuuri, who instantly grabbed the nearest bin. With one heave, his stomach’s contents threw up straight into the bin. Yuuri felt dizzy as he brought up the last of his stomach’s contents, his head immediately falling forwards as he put the bin down. Stephane handed him his water bottle. 

“What happened? Are you alright?” Yuuri asked as the commentator picked up on a vomiting Yuuri. 

“Just…” 

“Just seeing him makes me sick—“ Yuuri wanted to say. 

“Just nervous I guess. I’m okay now.” Yuuri took a second to clear his head before standing and giving a sleeping Mika a quick kiss. His legs were shaking and heavier than lead. But he forced himself to move, trying to will his stiff limbs to move. He headed off to the ice, removing his guards as he took a deep breath and got on the ice.  
———————————————————————  
Victor’s eyes scanned the arena. Yurio hadn’t said where he was going, but it quickly became obvious once he caught sight of four skaters huddled together around a little baby. He couldn’t help but feel jealous of everyone crowded around Yuuri’s son. HIS son. 

Victor stared without even realising. Even as the skaters dispersed he continued to stare, thinking about Yuuri. It was only when a pair of hazel eyes gazed back at him that he realised how fixated on Yuuri he had been. Eyes blown wide, Yuuri seemed frozen, it was almost as if time had stopped. As soon as Victor caught Yuuri’s gaze it was like nothing had ever happened, and that they were still in love. But they both knew that wasn’t true and wouldn’t ever be true again. 

Victor was pulled from his thoughts by the sight of Yuuri ducking his head into… the bin? Was he being sick? Victor couldn’t help but bite his lip in concern. Yuuri had never been physically sick before a competition before. The introductory message about the six minute warm up went straight over his head, but his concern soon dissipated as he watched Yuuri step onto the ice for warm up. 

He noticed as Yuuri warmed up that he refused to even skate past him, sticking to the left side of the rink as much as possible. Whether it was deliberate or not though, Victor didn’t know. His heart seemed to break more and more every time he watched Yuuri. He never thought he’d come this close to seeing the love of his life again so soon.

Past feelings came back to Victor. Feelings of love, feelings of happiness. That feeling of his hands on Yuuri’s hips when they trained or when they slept. He’d do anything to hold Yuuri again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap;  
> Yuuri skates his short program. What does Victor think?


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri skates his short program!   
> We find out just a little bit more about our poor boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaho!!   
> This chapter was quite slow to write at first, and then suddenly BAM words were just writing hemselves.   
> Hope you enjoy today’s chapter!

Yuuri couldn’t watch. He couldn’t bare to see how fixated Victor was on other skaters. Yuuri was a strong, strong man, but he was not strong enough for this. After the six minute warm up he went straight back behind the curtain, taking Mika with him. Stephane gave him some space, sighing in concern as he watched Yuuri step away. He must have been having a really difficult time. Yuuri sat on the floor behind the curtain, Mika in his carrier next to him. He took a few deep breaths, bringing his heart rate back down a little to keep himself calm, before slowly bringing a finger to Mika’s tiny hands. Now slightly more awake, Mika’s fingers wrapped around Yuuri’s digit, cooing ever so slightly at the warmth. It was impossible not to smile. 

“I’m so selfish…” Yuuri sighed, burying his face in his arm. “He’s right there, less than thirty metres away but I’m too selfish and stubborn too proud to let him see you. I hate myself.” Yuuri gritted his teeth, letting out an exasperated sigh. “It’s going to be my fault when you grow to hate me more than anything, for keeping you away from him. You’re going to resent me forever but even knowing that I can’t help it. I can’t help but be selfish just this once.” Yuuri was on the edge of tears, but he refused to cry, lest he ruin his makeup. 

In three weeks time they would have been married for four years. December twenty-first would have been their wedding anniversary, and this time, accompanied by their young son, who was just a year and three months old. And Yuuri— sobbed. It was always this time of year where he couldn’t even pretend to keep it together. He was trying so hard not to ruin his makeup but even the strongest characters crumble. He sat by himself for twenty minutes before he had to skate, trying to pull himself together. Picking himself up, he finally re-emerged from behind the curtain with Mika in hand. He tried his best to drown out the commentary – something about Katsuki Yuuri reappearing with his baby or whatever. He sat Mika down next to Stephane and kissed his head. 

“I’ll be back in a bit, baby.” Yuuri ran his hand over Mika’s small head, smiling fondly as Mika cooed and babbled.

“Good luck, Yuuri.” 

“Thanks, coach.” Yuuri smiled softly and he removed one blade guard, stepping onto the ice and removing the other, passing the pair to Stephane. Yuuri pushed away from the barriers, skating a round or two of laps, trying his best to ignore Victor, who he knew was staring at him. It made him feel just that little bit uncomfortable. He hurried to take his starting position, the rhinestones glittering in the arena light. 

“I heard, that you're settled down,  
That you found a girl and you're, married now.  
I heard, that your dreams came true,  
I guess she gave you things,  
I didn't give to you.  
Old friend, why are you so shy?  
Ain't like you to hold back,  
Or hide from the light.”

Yuuri could see Victor in his peripheral vision and suddenly he’d lost sight of the whole goal of this piece. When he skated this piece in Lake Placid it was meant to clear his head. It was meant to heal old wounds and close an old chapter. He was so close. But now, skating to this in Vancouver was forcing open those wounds that had almost healed. It was forcing more pages into a chapter he wanted to close. And Yuuri wasn’t sure how he felt about that. 

“I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but I  
Couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it.  
I had hoped you'd see my face,  
And that you be reminded that for me it isn't over…”

Yuuri performed his first jump, a triple axel, and almost slipped out. He just made the landing, saving himself on the edge of his blade.   
“Get it together, Yuuri.” He told himself. “Mika is waiting for you.” Even telling himself this – Yuuri felt lost. All this time he thought he could be independent, but seeing Victor, even just in the corner of his eye made his knees weak and his arms tremble. Yuuri hates this feeling. 

“Never mind I'll find someone like you…  
I wish nothing but the best,  
For you too, don't forget me.  
I beg, I'll remember you said,  
Sometimes it lasts in love,  
But sometimes it hurts instead.  
Sometimes it lasts in love,  
But sometimes it hurts instead yeah.”

Yuuri gathered his head, preparing himself for a triple loop triple toe combination jump. The fierce smile on Stephane’s face when he landed those jumps, and the slight shock that he could see in Victor’s face sparked a motivational power in him. Forcing down his recent depressive episode and forcing down the memory of his wedding anniversary Yuuri continued on with a new found spark. 

“You know how the time flies,  
Only yesterday it was the time of our lives.  
We were born and raised,  
In a summer haze bound by the surprise,  
Of our glory days.”

Yuuri spread his thighs in a perfect Ina Bauer, his back arching and his arm outstretched behind him. There was a smooth transition between Yuuri’s Ina Bauer and his butterfly jump, landing on one blade. The fact that he could see Victor staring so intently at him was distracting. It was like he was being watched, but… it wasn’t an observing or analysing kind of watching. It was an anxiety inducing, ice cold stare kind of watching. 

“I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but I  
Couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it.  
I hoped you'd see my face,  
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over…”

Yuuri held his breath, preparing himself for the quadruple salchow. The rink was absolutely silent as Yuuri was in the air, and then, followed the echo of his blade hitting the ice and the roar of the crowd. He let out a sigh of relief as he landed cleanly, before immediately pulling his back leg up into a perfect one-hundred and eighty degree angle, the crown of his head just touching the back of his knee, holding the bielleman spin for a long few seconds.

“Never mind I'll find someone like you…  
I wish nothing but the best for you too,  
Don't forget me I beg, I'll remember you said,  
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead…”

Ha, yeah, Yuuri’s love hurt, that’s for sure. Even though this program was supposed to set him free he felt anything but. Yuuri couldn’t help but feel trapped. Trapped in the consequences of his choices, trapped in his feelings. No matter how many times Yuuri told himself that the divorce wasn’t his fault, it was. It was his fault. It was his fault because he cannot control what Victor does, but he can control what he himself does. Yuuri should never have said yes to getting married. He should never have chosen to pursue a relationship with Victor if he knew it would end in this much pain. Yuuri still kicks himself for being so… easy. 

“Nothing compares no worries or cares,  
Regrets and mistakes their memories made.  
Who would have known how bittersweet,  
This would taste…  
Never mind I'll find someone like you,  
I wish nothing but the best for you.  
Don't forget me I beg, I'll remember you said,  
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead…”

Yuuri was nervous going into the triple axel. No matter how much he’d practiced it, the success rate just wasn’t as high as some of his quadruple jumps or his other triples. Taking what he saw as a leap of faith, Yuuri jumped, forward facing, and rotated three and a half times before landing on the edge of his blade. See, the way Yuuri jumped was much different to others. Many skaters – Victor, JJ, Yurio, Phichit – all span anti-clockwise when they jumped. But Yuuri, on the other hand, jumped clockwise, much to Stephane’s surprise, who also rotates clockwise. 

“Never mind I'll find someone like you.  
I wish nothing but the best for you too,  
Don't forget me I beg, I'll remember you said,  
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.  
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead…”

Yuuri’s free leg crossed behind his ankle, bringing himself into a scratch spin as he lifted both arms above his head, attention focussed on the ceiling. Though still on edge, he felt a little more relaxed skating in Vancouver than he did in Lake Placid. The air felt lighter. The music came to a close and Yuuri finally could relax. His arms dropped from the ceiling, though his head remained aimed towards the ceiling, his hands cupping his crying face. Various plush toys and flowers came raining down onto the ice as Yuuri skates off back towards Stephane. 

He immediately fell forwards onto Stephane’s left shoulder, his right currently occupied by Mika, and just cried, his fingers squeezing the fabric of Stephane’s trench coat. 

“You did great.” Stephane promised fondly. “Let’s get you off the ice and you can let it all out.” Yuuri pulled himself together, nodding as he wiped the tears from his eyes. With shaking hands, he slid the guards onto his blades and stepped off the ice. 

“I don’t… feel too great.” Yuuri heaved between chokes sobs. 

“It’s alright. Take Mika behind the curtain and find some space for yourself. I’ll find you in a moment.” With another weak nod Yuuri took Mika from Stephane’s arm and picked up his carrier, moving swiftly behind the curtain and away from the ice. 

Stephane sat at the kiss and cry alone. 

“Yuuri isn’t feeling great, so the scores will be relayed back to him.” Stephane explained as cameras and crew at the kiss and cry all raised eyebrows. 

“The score for Yuuri Katsuki is one hundred and ten point zero five. He is currently in first place.” Stephane let out a sigh of relief. What an impressive score. He clapped in place of Yuuri, before standing up to make his way to find Yuuri.   
———————————————————————  
Victor’s stare was fixated on Yuuri’s waist. He couldn’t help but remember their wedding day, on their first dance when he held Yuuri, both hands on his waist and Yuuri’s arms around his neck. That was a perfect moment that Victor would always treasure. At first Victor was paying attention to Yuuri, and to his skating, but now, he was wrapped in memories of Yuuri instead. 

When he saw Yuuri’s bielleman for the very first time he was mesmerised by Yuuri’s perfectly straight form – the way his head touched the back of his knee and the way his arms wrapped around the back of his leg above his head. It was stunning back then, and it still was. “I could watch you forever,” Victor told him. But that was another lie he realised he’d told Yuuri. Victor found himself turning away from Yuuri part way through the program. He couldn’t watch from so close, he just couldn’t do it. 

The whole program felt like bricks on Victor’s chest, concrete slabs with “guilty” written in big, bold letters on them. When Victor watched Yuuri’s short program on television, it felt much more like story. But now, less than thirty metres away, it felt more like a diary. Yuuri’s diary over the course of the last year and nine months. It was Victor’s fault that this diary had been written. Victor needed to know more about how Yuuri was over the last year and three quarters. All he could squeeze from Lilia was “child” and “hospital”, and that the two instances were completely unrelated. Nothing else. 

Victor knew that Yuuri loved him with all his heart, and Yuuri meant the world and more to him. But their constant bickering, their constant fighting was making hatred fester between them. Yuuri’s mental health was declining, rapidly becoming unstable and as much as Victor loved Yuuri, he couldn’t take anymore. From Victor’s double life as a coach and as a competitor, to the constant bigotry and unjust scores that Yuuri suffered, Victor wasn’t strong enough to handle anymore. Their arguing would eventually lead to spite. To disgust. Victor didn’t want that. There were some nasty, nasty things said. Things that still make Victor vomit. Things that still leave Victor in disbelief as to how a love story so special turned Victor into such a monster. 

Victor focussed his gaze on the untouched ice at the edge of the rink, occasionally looking up with his bottom lip between his teeth. He swallowed the lump in his throat as Yuuri jumped the triple axel, staring at the way his body moved as he landed. He let out a sigh of relief as Yuuri landed flawlessly. 

As the program came to an end Victor watched, heart bleeding as Yuuri cried on the ice. Victor imagined that it must have been lonely, crying in the middle of the ice. He stared enviously as Yuuri hugged Stephane, crying against his shoulder before taking Mika from him. Jealous or not it still made Victor’s heart break. It didn’t matter that they weren’t in love anymore. It mattered that they had been very much in love once upon a time, and seeing someone he loved so much cry on someone else’s shoulder and having to accept that he wasn’t that person anymore, and hadn’t been for a long time, was the most difficult pill to swallow.   
———————————————————————  
“Is there anything you want to talk about?” Stephane eventually found Yuuri sat on a bench in a quiet corridor, Mika in his lap and his skates now replaced with trainers. Yuuri shook his head. “Are you sure?” Stephane asked, and Yuuri nodded again. Stephane sat down, pulling a tissue from Yuuri’s tissue box and handing it to him. 

“I remember everything.” Yuuri spoke quietly. “Every detail is so vivid, from the colour of the car, to the feel of the bonnet to my side, I remember everything.” Everything was so cryptic, Stephane had no idea how he could possibly understand what Yuuri was trying to say. “I never told anyone it was deliberate.” Yuuri sucked in a deep breath, his arms holding onto Mika for dear life. “I could have killed him.” Yuuri squeaked, shame and guilt flooding his body as tears clouded his eyes and trickled down his face. Oh. Oh. Now Stephane understood. 

Yuuri couldn’t say anymore. He was not strong enough to relive that memory any further. He sobbed, his sobs echoing in the corridor, almost mocking him. Yuuri wanted to scream, but doing so would scare Mika. Stephane sat in silence and let Yuuri cry to his heart’s content. 

“Would you like me to give you some space?” Stephane asked as Yuuri began to calm down, his sniffles getting quieter and his breaths getting longer. Yuuri nodded. “Shall I wait for you outside or do you want me to head back first?” 

“You can head back first.” Yuuri mumbled with a soft sigh. “Sorry… I just need some time alone.” Yuuri explained. 

“It’s okay. Text when you’re on the way back, alright?” Yuuri nodded and Stephane picked up Yuuri’s skate bag, and draped Yuuri’s team jacket over his shoulders. “Take care on the way back.” 

Yuuri took a few deep breaths, wiping his face dry before gulping down his entire water bottle. His head felt dizzy, almost cloudy and delirious. But he felt… lighter. Even if he’d only told Stephane a fraction of what happened, the weight was still lighter. 

After clearing his head and getting himself together Yuuri prepared to head back to the hotel.   
“I bet you’re hungry.” He cooed at little Mika as he strapped him into the baby carrier. Yuuri gently stroked his face, his hand cupping his cheek ever so softly, thumb swiping just at the edge of his little button nose. “Let’s get you back and fed and napped.” Yuuri stood up and picked up Mika. 

Yuuri made a quick trip to the bathroom first to wash down his face. He swung the door open, looking up and— 

Oh. 

O H. 

Yuuri’s breath hitched. Turquoise eyes stared wide eyed at him, bottom jaw dropped open. Sweat was rolling down Yuuri’s temple, a lump in his throat becoming prominent as his hands trembled, blood running cold. Panic began to rise as he scrambled to leave the bathroom as quickly as possible. But his legs felt like lead, frozen solid in position as Yuuri tried to will them to move. Clutching onto Mika’s carrier, he opened the door. 

“Yuuri, wait.” A panicked voice made him stop in his tracks. That voice… it was as angelic and endearing as Yuuri had remembered. The voice that brought him to his knees. Yuuri desperately wanted to stay. To fall back into those arms that once kept him so safe. He just wanted to cry and scream and shake and hit his fist against Victor’s chest until strong arms came around his waist. But no. Yuuri couldn’t and wouldn’t stay. He didn’t suffer almost two years of pain to be so easy to swoon and play again. With iron willpower, Yuuri stepped out of the door and ran, refusing to look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap;   
> Oh no. Y’all have to find out.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri can’t believe he just saw Victor.  
> Victor can’t believe he just saw Mika.  
> Both of them are coming to terms with seeing each other.  
> But Yuuri can’t forget about Mika amongst his self loathing <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FOR Y'ALL WHO ALREADY READ THIS CHAPTER:  
> I FUCKED UP BIG TIME. When Victor is reading through the comments I accidentally stuck Mika's name in there (force of habit when I write) IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE. To clear up no one know's Mika's name. Not Victor, no fans, nobody. THANK YOU TO @SPIDELA WHO UNINTENTIONALLY POINTED OUT MY BIG FUCK UP HAHAHA

The opening of the door startled Victor, causing him to jerk his head. The breath knocked out of his lungs as a man carrying his child stepped through the door, slender legs catching Victor’s eye first, and then the hips his hands used to rest on and— 

Oh. 

OH.

Victor caught the tiniest glimpse of turquoise eyes as the baby in the carrier babbled. He saw those eyes every morning when he looked in the mirror. He saw those eyes every time he took a photograph of himself. He saw those eyes every time he saw himself on a magazine cover. There’s no way Victor wouldn’t recognise those cerulean pearls, identical to his own. Victor fought to savour every detail of the child’s eyes – the way the turquoise ringed the pupil, the way the white glimmered in the light. 

Victor looked up. Cinnamon eyes blown wide stared back at him, jaw dropped. Yuuri was visibly trembling, the knuckles of his hands going white as he gripped the handle of the carrier tightly.  
He couldn’t help but notice the tears on Yuuri’s waterline, and the way he gritted his teeth. The way the lump in Yuuri’s throat moved as he swallowed and the way his breaths laboured. Even though it had been almost two years some things will always break Victor’s heart. Yuuri on the verge of crying was one of them. 

Victor wanted to desperately hold him and tell him everything was going to be okay. He wanted Yuuri to fall face first into his shoulder and cry and cradle his head and rub his lower back, just how he knew Yuuri found peace in. He wanted to fight away all of Yuuri’s fears but… Victor knew that he himself was Yuuri’s main fear. The fact that Victor just so happened to bump into Yuuri in a public toilet was a moment Victor would savour. Yuuri would never allow himself to be so carefree as to bump into Victor ever again. 

Victor watched painfully as Yuuri turned to leave, hands shaking as he struggled to get the door back open.

“Yuuri! Wait—!” Victor called and at that moment, everything stopped. Yuuri, for the briefest moment, paused at the doorway, and Victor felt even slightly hopeful. It didn’t take long for that hopeful light to shatter as Yuuri hurried out of the door. Shocked and in dismay, Victor didn’t even know what to do. He couldn’t think of anything but to chase after him.  
———————————————————————  
Tears flooded Yuuri’s face. He fled, running as fast as he could to get away. He heart faint, fast-paced footsteps behind him and he knew Victor was following him. And… everything got so much more emotional. Why hadn’t Victor chased him like this when Yuuri left? 

Yuuri’s feet suddenly froze, stopping in their tracks. His breath was heavy and laboured, heaving as he cried, tears staining his face red. Yuuri was a mess. He held on as tightly as he could to Mika, both hands on the handle of the carrier as he heard the footsteps behind him gradually fade to a halt. Why had he stopped? “Keep going!” Yuuri told himself, but something held him in his place. And that something was— 

“Yuuri.” 

—Was Victor’s soft voice, calling his name. Calling his name in the same way he did when Yuuri reached the top of the aisle, holding a bouquet of flowers. Yuuri’s throat closed up, tears threatening to fall again. He ran. 

Yuuri ran and didn’t look back until he was out of the arena and across the road where he finally came to a final halt, legs shaking from anxiety. He finally made it into the hotel, fumbling with his key card. Finally in solitude, he slid down the back of the room door, Mika still in hand as he tried to catch his breath and clear his head. Oh my god. He’d just encountered Victor.  
———————————————————————  
Finally! Yuuri stopped running. 

“Yuuri.” Victor called, his breaths heavy as he panted. For a short moment Yuuri hesitated, and that little hope was back. But then he made a break for it. Victor couldn’t chase him anymore. Maybe Yuuri really never wanted to see Victor again. What was the point in chasing after someone who no longer wanted anything to do with you? 

Victor couldn’t even bring himself to think about Yuuri’s son. Their son. There was no way he’d be allowed to see him. At first he’s staring right into Mika’s gorgeous eyes and then he’s gone in a flash. Gone before he’s even got the chance to admire the beautiful child. Gone before he’s even learnt of his son’s name. Victor supposed he should have seen that coming. He didn’t deserve to see the little toddler. He didn’t even deserve to be in the same space as his toddler. 

Victor couldn’t stop his tears flowing if he wanted to. He stood, frozen as he watched Yuuri make a dash out of the arena, the first tear trickling from his left eye and running down his cheek. Victor hated himself. He’d made so many grave mistakes, and worst of all, they were ones which ruined Yuuri’s life. 

What if they were still married? 

Maybe they’d be living a normal, domestic life with their toddler. Wake up, kiss each other good morning, feed their son, take Makkachin for a walk… Victor often thinks about what would be of them if they were still married. If they were still just as in love as the day they tied the knot. Victor has wanted nothing more for the last two years than to turn back time.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri cried. Just cried and cried and cried until his head pounded and his ears throbbed. Mika slept so soundly beside Yuuri in his carrier, oblivious to anything and everything. Oh how Yuuri wished he could be as naïve. But all his thoughts, everything around him was so deafeningly loud. So intrusive. He couldn’t ignore his thoughts no matter how hard he tried. Yuuri wished he had no feelings. 

So many emotions ran through his body when he saw Victor. From nostalgia, to sadness, to guilt. Especially guilt. Victor deserves to see Mika. To know Mika. But Yuuri can’t. He can’t because he’s too scared and he’s too anxious and he’s too selfish and he’s… too ashamed to admit that he had a child with someone he’s not married to anymore. Yuuri is too stubborn. He’s too stubborn and he hates it. Even for Mika’s sake he can’t face Victor. 

Yuuri wished he were stronger. Less prideful. Less selfish. Yuuri would do anything for Mika’s sake, and that included talking to Victor. Yuuri wanted nothing but the best for Mika, to protect him, even if it meant damaging himself even further. But this mental barrier… this brick wall around him that he built to protect himself was stopping him, and he hated that about him. He hated that he couldn’t bring down the walls that he himself built, no matter how much he wanted to. How useless. How did Yuuri expect to raise and protect and care for his son when he hasn’t even figured out how to sort himself out. How utterly useless of him. 

It was when Mika started crying when Yuuri realised he’d been sat on the floor for quite a while. He sighed softly, smiling down at Mika. It didn’t matter how much Yuuri needed to deal with his feelings, he had to tend to his son first.  
“I’m so sorry baby. I haven’t given you my attention.” Yuuri unstrapped Mika, holding him close against his shoulder. Peachy, motherly pheromones filled the air between them, and with no effort at all, Mika’s cries quieted. “I’ll order room service and get you some food and some fruit.” Yuuri willed his now slightly numb legs to stand up, moving towards the bed as he kissed Mika’s head. “And then we can spend some time together before you settle for the night.” Yuuri sat Mika down on the bed, propped up with some pillows while he patted his face dry of tears and stripped into something more comfortable.

Yuuri joined Mika on the bed, moving him to sit on his thigh as he wrapped an arm around his tiny torso. With his other hand, he picked up the hotel phone on the bedside table. 

“Room service?” 

“Can I order a jar of baby food, a banana, a yoghurt, and a chicken Caesar salad to room eight-zero-one-three, please?” Yuuri asked down the phone, biting back the slight anxiety he still had when talking on the phone. 

“Of course. We’ll be with you in about fifteen minutes.” 

“Thank you.” Yuuri let out a sigh of relief as he put the phone down before turning to Mika. “Just a little longer baby. I’m so sorry I haven’t tended to you today.” Yuuri felt absolutely terrible. He’d just spent most of the day crying to himself when he should have been focusing on Mika. “I’m trying my best.” He sighed softly, kissing Mika’s head, who admittedly, didn’t really seem all that bothered about the lack of attention. 

“Shall we read something together before bed?” Yuuri asked, and as if he understood, Mika’s face turned towards Yuuri’s bright eyes doughy and soft as he babbled, smiling wide as the apples of his cheeks glowed pink. Yuuri fell so much more in love with Mika, his heart swelling at the beautiful smile covering Mika’s soft face. Mika’s smile was infectious. Yuuri kissed the apples of his cheeks, sighing in relief. 

Yuuri was pulled from his thoughts by a knock on his room door. 

“Room service.” 

Yuuri stood up, Mika in hand and opened the door. He was greeted by a steward, dressed in a neat blouse and an apron around his waist. Yuuri took the tray with his free hand. 

“Thank you. Hold on, let me grab my wallet.” Yuuri put the tray down on the low table next to the cabinet, and then picked up his wallet. With his arm supporting Mika’s body, he pulled out some notes for the steward. 

“Thank you. Have a nice night, sir.” Yuuri smiled softly and wished him a nice shift before closing the door. Mika in his arm and the tray in his hand, Yuuri sat back down on the bed. He left his salad to the side for now, and picked up the warm jar of baby food. From Mika’s baby bag Yuuri pulled out a baby spoon, and scooped up a tiny bit of the purée onto his spoon. He blew it gently, before holding it to Mika’s lips. 

“Mika, ahh…” Yuuri coaxed Mika’s soft lips open, allowing Mika to take the spoon. “Good boy. Is it nice?” Mika giggled, food already covering his lips and dribbling down his chin. “How is your face messy after one bite?” Yuuri chuckled, grabbing a wipe to clean off Mika’s face. Yuuri put the spoon down and picked up his phone, snapping a photo of Mika. 

Mika was smiling, eyes closed and the apples of his cheeks pink. His skin was baby smooth, perfectly clear, save for the food covering his lips and chin as his bright smile showed off tiny, tiny developing front teeth. 

@y-katsuki; This. This smile is what love and happiness will always mean to me. My precious baby boy, don’t ever grow up ♡ #babyandme

Yuuri continued to spoon feed Mika, cleaning off his chin as he went along. “Good boy, baby. Was that nice? Yeah?” Yuuri cooed as he scraped the last of the baby food out of the jar, spooning it into Mika’s mouth. Yuuri then picked up the yoghurt and the banana, one in each hand. 

“Which one would you like, baby?” Yuuri asked Mika, holding both in front Mika, who stared with ogling eyes at two of his favourite snacks. With a beautiful, soft smile, Mika reached for the banana first, grumbling for Yuuri to feed him. “Alright, baby, banana it is.” Yuuri chuckled, putting the yoghurt down. He peeled the banana and broke it in half. “Here, baby, can you manage?” Yuuri handed Mika half of the banana, who grasped it between two tiny hands. Yuuri watched as Mika nibbled slowly on the banana, taking his time to devour the fruit. 

Yuuri waited for Mika to finish the last little bit of his banana before opening the yoghurt. Yuuri scraped the lid off, gently spooning the strawberry yoghurt into Mika’s mouth. Yuuri marvelled at the look of pure joy on Mika’s face as the strawberry flavour burst in his mouth. 

“Is that nice, baby boy?” Yuuri smiled, using the edge of the spoon to gently scrape the yoghurt on Mika’s chin back into his mouth. Mika babbled, opening his mouth to take in another spoonful of the yoghurt. Yuuri kissed Mika’s forehead as he spooned a little more yoghurt into Mika’s mouth. “You love your yoghurts, don’t you? Especially when your baby teeth hurt.” Yuuri sighed, his eyes softening at Mika’s adorable chubby cheeks. 

Yuuri fed Mika the rest of his yoghurt, wiping his chin between every couple of bites until he was adequately fed. Yuuri held Mika to his shoulder, patting his back to release any gas. 

“Shall we read something together before bed, yeah?” Yuuri reaches for the bag on the floor next to the bed and pulled out a book – “Where The Wild Things Are”. He opened the first page. 

“The night Max wore his wolf suit and made mischief of one kind… and another, his mother called him “wild thing!” And Max said “I’ll eat you up!” So he was sent to bed without eating anything.” Yuuri read the words slowly, smiling as Mika grabbed at the pictures in the book. “That very night in Max’s room a forest grew… and grew… and grew… until his ceiling hung with vines…” Yuuri flipped the page. 

He continued on with the story, watching the energy drain from Mika as his gurgles and chirps soon quieted, soft, grumbling noises in their place. He was nearly asleep. 

“…and into the night of his very own room, where he found his supper waiting for him.” Yuuri kissed Mika’s forehead, who was now fast asleep in his lap. “…and it was still hot.” Yuuri closed the book, slipping it down into the bag again before he gently picked Mika up and carried him to the cot. 

Yuuri laid him down with a soft hand, covering him with two fleecy soft blankets, and tucking his stuffed elephant in next to him.  
“Good night, my beautiful boy. Mommy loves you and… I’m sure daddy does too.” Yuuri whispered, letting a single tear fall as he kissed Mika’s cheek.  
———————————————————————  
To: Yurio  
Gone back to the hotel. 

Victor dropped down on the bed of his hotel room, not even being able to muster enough energy to get out of his suit. He couldn’t believe it. Victor couldn’t believe he’d just looked his son eye to eye. It didn’t matter how shattered his heart was about Yuuri. The fact that he got so close to his son, and even looked him in the eye was magical. It was hope, even if it was just a spark. 

But Victor felt… heavy. Heavy with disappointment in himself. All this time he’s had a son yet he has not contributed one bit to his upbringing. Logically Victor knows it’s not his fault – Yuuri disappeared for a year and a half, literally cutting everyone off. Victor knows. Victor knows that there was nothing he could have done to know earlier about Yuuri’s child. But that doesn’t stop him from feeling guilty and disgusted with his own decisions. 

Victor could never forget how his son stared back at him. Big, beads eyes identical to his own held their gaze at Victor for a split second as a wide grin, coupled with pinky cheeks was less than a few footsteps away. The closest he’d ever been to his son before and likely the closest he’ll ever get. That split second was the most important moment of Victor’s life, as well as one of the most saddening. There was no way Yuuri would let Victor in again, after the pain he’d caused him. 

With a sigh Victor picked up his phone and unlocked it, hoping there would be some social media distractions. But of course, he should have known better. 

A photo of Yuuri’s son, smiling and face absolutely covered in food was the first thing he saw. He couldn’t like the picture. Yuuri would know. Instead Victor saved the photo to his collections, which held a mere two photos, both of Mika - one from the back, and the most recent one. Victor stared at Mika’s photo. Oh, how he resembled Yuuri so much. Even the way he smiled, and his little button nose were identical to Yuuri. And his chubby cheeks, Victor wished he could squeeze them. 

With trembling fingers Victor opened the comments section. 

@katsukiy_fan; LOOK AT HOW CUTE HE IS <3 I wonder if Yuuri will ever tell us his name!  
@katsuki_no_1_fan; AWWWWW! He even smiled like Yuuri! I wonder if he’s Victor’s…  
— @katsudamn_.; @katsuki_no_1_fan no one even knows when he was born so there’s no way we can know  
— @katsukidon._; @katsuki_no_1_fan @katsudamn._ I think it’s a little invasive to wonder. If Yuuri wants to tell us he will. Let’s just enjoy the cute photos. 

Victor felt tears prick his eyes, threatening to fall as he gazed at the photo. Victor was such a fuck up. He had anything, everything he could ever have wanted and more, but he took Yuuri for granted and tossed him away. He had the world at his fingertips. But he ripped at it, dumping little pieces away until all that remained were shredded memories of their relationship. 

It didn’t matter to Victor how much he’d ruined his own life. It mattered to him how much he’d ruined Yuuri’s life. Yuuri, who had never trusted or loved anyone the way he did Victor. Yuuri, whose mental illnesses controlled him. Yuuri… who deserved nothing but love. It had been a horrible, sickening year and a half for Victor. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how Yuuri had coped. 

If Victor could have one thing, just one thing in life… it would be to have Yuuri and Mika by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:  
> It’s the morning of the free skate.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri skates the free skate.  
> He gets a shock afterwards.

Victor really had tried. But he was just so exhausted. He was too tired. Too weak. Victor always picked Yuuri up without fail on his bad days. Victor sat with Yuuri as he cried into the early hours of the morning. Victor tried. He really did. But sometimes, your best efforts just can’t cut it. 

It was difficult to smile for two people. With Yuuri’s mental condition slowly deteriorating Victor felt himself being pulled into that vortex. Victor suggested Yuuri should retire. Let himself recover. But Yuuri vehemently refused, insistent that he would be okay. That he was strong enough to compete like this. Between coming home exhausted and trying to make their marriage work Victor found the air becoming… polluted. It was becoming toxic for both of them. The aura wasn’t good for Victor, and it certainly was not helping Yuuri at all. They could not go on like that. 

Victor was pulled from his nightmare, his eyes shot open as he gasped. He jerked up, staring around the blackness of the hotel room before letting out a sigh. He pulled his knees up to his chest, burying his face in his arms as they sat atop his knees. Victor bit the inside of his cheek, trying to stop the flow of tears. He thought back to all the nights he’d spent at Lilia’s house, crying and screaming into the pillow as she sat by him in silence, passing him tissue after tissue. He was a mess, in such a state that Makkachin had to be handed over to Mila for two months. But amongst Victor’s self loathing… he knew it was for the best. Victor was doing nothing but cause pain for Yuuri and he couldn’t live with that. He had to let Yuuri go before they grew to despise each other. 

And seeing him again… for the first time in almost two years… it tore open old wounds, ones he’d tried to heal. It tore open his heart. The heart that would always belong to Yuuri. Victor couldn’t say he’d be angry if Yuuri hated him. In fact, he wouldn’t be even slightly surprised. But despite that… Victor would always be in love with Yuuri. He remembered that Yakov told him that it would pass quickly. That he’d move on and accept it after a few months. He should listen, right? After all, Yakov knew from experience. And listen he did. Victor waited… and waited… and waited. It was only when Victor noticed that he thought about Yuuri every second of every day that Victor realised… he’d never love anyone more than he loved Yuuri. Call him a liar, call him weak for giving up, call him whatever. But it was true. And Victor would spend the rest of his life watching Yuuri from afar, watching as Yuuri found love in someone else forever if he was happy. Victor really loves Yuuri.

Yuuri would be performing his free skate tomorrow. His free skate centred around love, loss, and uncertainty would be skated less than thirty metres from Victor. Though he’d seen it before it would be entirely different up close. He’d be able to see Yuuri’s facial expressions, the way his body moved, he’d be like an open book. Victor wanted Yuuri to do well, to be the best. And while yes, he should be rooting for Yurio, he couldn’t help but send his best wishes to the love of his life. 

Victor didn’t sleep for the rest of the night.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri really, really wanted Victor’s comfort. His anxiety was through the roof, doubts on his skating abilities were being cast left and right and no matter how much Yuuri hated to admit it, there was nothing that could calm his anxiety like a hug from Victor could. There never would be anything that even came close to how Victor’s embrace felt to Yuuri. The way they fit together like matching jigsaw pieces, the way Victor’s arms slotted around his waist, the way his head tucked perfectly under Victor’s chin… Yuuri missed it all. 

When they first split Yuuri couldn’t understand anything. He struggled to comprehend the whole world, his whole life. At first Yuuri was so… resentful. He was so hurt and so angry and so betrayed and… it was an ugly, ugly feeling. It took Yuuri so, so long to be able to even take a peek at their marriage from Victor’s point of view. It was Yuuri who drove Victor away. It was Yuuri’s constant mood swings. Yuuri’s constant stubbornness and arrogance. Yuuri’s persistent depressive episodes that pushed Victor to leave him. Yuuri was slowly poisoning Victor and he couldn’t take it anymore. And it was then that Yuuri understood. Suddenly Yuuri understood everything. Not that it made a shred of difference. It would have been easier to accept if Victor just fell out of love for Yuuri.

Yuuri slid out of bed and pulled up the big arm chair next to Mika’s cot and sat down. He poked his hand between the bars of the cot and grasped for his toddler’s chubby hand, a teary smile crossing his face. Yuuri would always have a piece of Victor with him. Even if he had to watch Victor fall in love with someone else… marry someone he loved more than he loved Yuuri… have a child with someone who held his heart… he’d always have part of Victor here. A part that would always mean the world and more to Yuuri, a part that he would cling onto until the day he died. 

Yuuri struggled to sleep for the rest of the night.  
———————————————————————  
When the sun rose, Mika also rose. And when Mika rose, well, that was Yuuri’s cue to wake up. Yuuri awoke, neck stiff and eyes almost stuck shut as he adjusted his eyes to the sunlight. Mika’s cried pierced his ears and with a fond laugh, Yuuri stood from the arm chair and lifted Mika from his cot. 

“Good morning baby.” Yuuri nuzzled his nose to Mika’s cheek before giving him a big kiss. “Are you ready for the free skate today? Yeah?” Mika babbled against his shoulder, drool dribbling and leaving a wet patch against his night shirt. “Alright, baby. Shall we get ready then, yeah?” Yuuri giggled, pressing a kiss to Mika’s forehead before gently putting him down on the bed. 

Yuuri sat and breastfed Mika quietly, admiring the soft look on his baby’s face. Even now, at a year and three months, Yuuri was still breast feeding Mika. He had pondered for a long time whether to continue or not, but after some heavy thought, he decided that if Mika wasn’t ready to give it up completely, then nor was Yuuri. It had been a slow transition for Yuuri, going from breast feeding Mika three to five meals a day when he was just a couple of months old, to only breast feeding him for breakfast, and it took a little while for Mika to adjust to it. But Yuuri was curious. Maybe Mika would accept a bottle? Yuuri filed the thought away for when they got home to try it out. In the mean time, he let Mika relax against his breast, his little lips, tiny, but powerful as they sucked at Yuuri’s nipple. 

Once he was adequately fed, Mika pushed himself away from Yuuri’s breast, turning away.  
“Are you done, baby?” Yuuri asked, squeezing his breast to relieve some of the stiffness. Mika smiled contently as Yuuri lifted him to his shoulder, patting his back just a little bit. At that moment, tiny teeth sunk into Yuuri’s shoulder. “Ouch!” He exclaimed, his shoulder throbbing in pain. “Baby what was that for?” Yuuri sighed, fading into a chuckle as he pulled Mika away. He couldn’t even be angry. Mika was just too adorable. 

“Are you gonna be okay in the bed while I get ready?” Yuuri stood up, laying Mika down on the centre of the bed. He plucked the pink mink blanket from the cot and covered it over his body as Mika turned onto his stomach. With a find laugh, Yuuri kissed his head. “I’ll be back in a little bit.” Yuuri moved off to his suitcase to retrieve his training clothes before quickly retreating to the bathroom. Quickly, he re-emerged from the bathroom to see Mika, biting the corner of his fluffy blanket. 

Yuuri’s heart melted. With a soft laugh, Yuuri tugged the blanket away from Mika’s lips, the corner now wet with saliva. “Baby, don’t eat that.” He said, pulling Mika’s teething toy from a zip lock bag in his baby bag. “Have a nibble on this.” Yuuri said, coaxing Mika’s tiny lips open. “Good boy. You seem to be really at it with your teeth lately.” Yuuri chuckled, kissing his son’s forehead. “We’ve got just a little while before we have to meet Stephane at the lobby.” Yuuri said. “Good job the free skate is early. I’d cry if it were later.” Yuuri chuckled, sitting on the bed, Mika on his lap.

“Are you gonna watch me on top of the podium today? Yeah?” Yuuri cooed, Mika’s little fingers gripping the back of his jacket as he babbled, dribbling onto his shoulder. “And the exhibition tomorrow? Are you gonna watch that too?” Yuuri nuzzled his nose into Mika’s fluffy hair, kissing the top of his head.

He thought about his exhibition skate and suddenly Yuuri felt his heart fall heavy. His exhibition skate was about himself. About Yuuri and his mental barriers, about his sentiments. But thinking about this skate left Yuuri insecure, doubting everything. Everything about himself, about the decisions he’s ever made, starting with keeping Mika from Victor. Guilt ate at his gut. Even if Victor ruined Yuuri’s heart Mika at the very least deserved Victor. And even Victor deserved his son. To hold him, and kiss him, and smile. Yuuri thought it unfair on Mika to keep him away. Even if Victor would never love Yuuri again he hoped he’d love Mika. 

But again… this mental barrier returned. It didn’t matter how much Yuuri wanted Mika to meet Victor, it meant nothing if he physically couldn’t bring himself to be within three feet of Victor without having a breakdown. It was like Yuuri was trapped in a void, or a vicious cycle of his own mental demons and he hated it. 

Yuuri doubted himself so much. Was he even doing this whole… parenting thing right? All he ever wanted was the best for Mika. But Yuuri’s worst fear was not being good enough. Once again. It would feel so much worse not being enough for Mika than it ever did not being enough for Victor. It would feel so much worse because Mika was his own flesh and blood, the only person he will ever give his entire being and more to. And if he couldn’t even give his child the best then… what was he really worth? Nothing. Nothing was the answer. Yuuri just felt like a failure. Yuuri just wanted to prove his worth. To feel worthy. To feel like he was relevant. 

Yuuri chewed on his bottom lip, ripping the skin off with his teeth. He was pulled from his thoughts when Mika’s tiny palms hit his forehead repeatedly, babbling for attention. “Ammy!” Yuuri’s face lit up, his heart skipping a beat. Was this… Mika’s first word? “Can you say that again, baby?” Yuuri requested as Mika nuzzled into his neck. “Baby, what did you say?” Yuuri asked hopefully, and Mika gave another gurgle of “ammy!” Yuuri kissed his forehead. 

“I must be doing something right if you’re picking up words already.” Yuuri chuckled. “Say it again.” Mika continued to drool, gurgling “ammy!” over and over against Yuuri’s shoulder. It was like his mood flipped – Yuuri was over the moon. “My baby boy said his first words today.” Yuuri said to himself with a proud smile, letting out a soft sigh as he kissed his nose. Yuuri’s day had been instantly made, all of his previous insecurities just tossed out of the window.

Yuuri couldn’t stop smiling. This moment was so precious to him, and the fact that he witnessed it and him alone… It was magical. Yuuri kissed Mika’s forehead, gently brushing his nose over the spot where his kiss went, sighing with a content smile.  
“Are you gonna be rooting for mummy today?” Yuuri cooed, holding his dear against his shoulder as he laid down on the bed, the shoulder of his training jacket soaked through with drool as Mika laid on top of him. 

“Do you think I’ll get a gold medal today, baby?” Yuuri asked as Mika tucked his face into the crook of Yuuri’s neck. “Are you looking forward to going home too? Do you miss everyone?” Yuuri cooed, his hand running up and down Mika’s back, Mika gurgling away and leaving trails of saliva all over Yuuri’s jacket collar. Yuuri looked at his watch. Just a few minutes before he had to meet Stephane. Carefully holding Mika, he stood up. 

“We’re gonna have to make a move now, baby.” Yuuri placed Mika down into the baby carrier and strapped him in. He covered his head with a hat and some earmuffs, tucking him under his fluffy blanket, and tucking his elephant toy in too. Yuuri slid on his trainers and picked up his skate bag too. “Let’s go.” Yuuri took Mika out of the room and headed for the elevator. 

The ride down the elevator was nerve racking. This was it. This was going to be Yuuri’s last chance to show he’s worthy of that Grand Prix title. His expression quickly relaxed as he saw Stephane waiting in the lobby for him. 

“Morning, Yuuri. How do you feel?” Stephane asked, taking Yuuri’s skate bag off his shoulder to hold it for him. 

“Morning. I feel better today than I did for the short.” Yuuri chuckled. “I’m still a little nervous though. Thank you for taking my bag.” Yuuri said gratefully, slashing a smile in Stephane’s direction. 

“No worries. Let’s get going. Still need to give you that pep talk.” Stephane chuckled as they headed out for the arena.  
———————————————————————  
The deep v-neck of the costume really highlighted Yuuri’s pectoral muscles, and even some of his abdominals, the tight, yet fitted fabric accented the muscles in his slender limbs, as well as his hips. Yuuri stared at himself. Yuuri made sure to stick a patch over his fading bond mark. He slicked his hair back before finishing up his face, hiding his dark under eye circles and blemishes before applying some cheap lip balm. 

“Oi. Katsudon.” Yuuri’s head jerked round as he zipped his bag up, to see Yurio in a black one piece costume, layers of chiffon ruffled across the top, swarovskis reflecting light left, right, and centre. “I’m gonna kick your ass for sure in the free.” He smirked, a fierce smile across his face pulled the most content smile on Yuuri’s. Yuuri couldn’t help but pull Yurio in for a hug. He startled at first before relaxing. 

“I’m sorry.” Yuuri held on tightly to his companion. Yuuri really missed Yurio’s friendship. After Yuuri left St. Petersburg he stopped talking to everyone. Not out of spite, or on purpose, but simply because he couldn’t handle it. Or handle anything, for that matter. But despite Yuuri’s lack of contact Yurio still made an effort to send him gifts in the mail, and send presents for his birthday. Yuuri felt bad for hiding Mika from Yurio of all people, knowing that Yurio would have loved to be a part of his life. 

“What for?” Yurio asked, confused as Yuuri held tightly onto him. 

“I hid my son from you, even though I know you would have loved him.” Yuuri mumbled. “It was selfish of me.” Yurio rolled his eyes, snorting. He patted Yuuri’s shoulder. 

“You’re an idiot. As if I’d be mad about that.” Yurio scoffed. “As long as I get pictures and I’m the best uncle it’s fine.” Yurio let out what almost could be considered a chuckle. Almost. At that moment, Phichit emerged from the bathrooms. 

“I heard best uncle. I have been summoned.” He grinned. Yurio pulled himself away from Yuuri and growled in Phichit’s direction. 

“FIGHT ME HAMSTER BOY.” Yuuri couldn’t stop laughing. It felt incredible to be surrounded by friendship again. He’d missed this companionship so much. Amongst his laughter tears streaked his face and the bickering between Yuuri’s two friends stopped. Phichit sighed contently and wrapped his arms around Yuuri. That contact with his best friend… Yuuri broke down. 

“I missed you guys so much.” Phichit chuckled, giving Yuuri a light peck on the cheek as his warmth comforted Yuuri. 

“Silly Yuuri. We’re here now, so don’t cry.” Phichit comforted. Yuuri nodded against his shoulder, lifting his head to blot his face dry with the sleeve of his training jacket. 

“Come on you two. We’d better head out.” Yurio squeezed Yuuri’s shoulder and led them out of the changing room, where Stephane was stood with Mika in his arm, held against his shoulder. 

“Hi baby.” Yuuri cooed as Mika held Stephane. Yuuri didn’t date hold Mika when he was wearing his skates, insisting that would be far from safe. “Thanks, coach.” Yuuri smiled gratefully before pressing a kiss to Mika’s head. 

“No problem. Still nervous?” Stephane asked as Yurio and Phichit went on ahead to the ice to meet with Victor and Celestino respectively. They sat down at a bench down the corridor to the locker rooms just for a few moments. 

“Yeah. I just feel a bit sick. Nerves kind of sick.” Stephane passed Yuuri his water bottle, and Yuuri took it, popping open the cap to take a sip. 

“Did you take your medication?” Yuuri nodded, closing the cap to his bottle. “Let’s head out then.”  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri was about to skate. Stephane has Mika in his arm as they spoke over the barrier, Yuuri holding onto the edge as Stephane stood opposite him. 

“… And here we can see coach Stephane Lambiel giving skater Katsuki a pep talk…”

“Remember, quad lutz, back outside edge. Break that habit. Outside edge.” Yuuri nodded, a fierce and determined look covering his face. “Take a deep breath, forget everyone exists, okay?” Yuuri nodded once more, taking a shaky, deep breath. “You can do it. Mika’s watching you.” Stephane encouraged, and Yuuri gave Mika a quick kiss on the forehead before pushing off the barriers. 

“On the ice, representing Japan, Yuuri Katsuki.” Yuuri skated two laps around the rink before coming into the centre. 

The arena fell silent as [soft piano keys](https://youtu.be/BMUFzlIK3Fk) filled the air. Yuuri couldn’t help but spare a glance in Victor’s direction, just a split second and fast enough to miss, before tearing his eyes away. Yuuri immersed himself into the origin of the soundtrack, his brows knitted together and his eyes full of sorrow. 

Choreography and step sequence would always be his strong point. No matter how good his jumps and spins were, his forte would always lie in step sequence. This piece of course, was no exception. Yuuri glided across the ice, arms moving with the music, reaching out in Mika’s direction before he danced into his first jump, a triple loop. He circled, lifting off on the inside edge of his blade. His three turns passed in a flash, his left foot crossed in front of the right as he landed. 

The first bit of the piece was soft, almost empty as he pushed all of his jumps and combinations into the second half of the program. Yuuri relaxed his body into a layback spin, his back arched and head dropped back as his left leg went free, spinning on the tip of his blade. 

Strings joined the ensemble, the music deepening as Yuuri glided on his left foot in rhythmic patterns, his hips accentuating the movements as he spread his thighs, back arching deeply and arms stretched behind him, his body relaxing into an ina bauer. 

Yuuri jumped a double axel, quickly digging the tip of his right blade into the ice after he landed and pulling his left foot around. He paused, one hand held in a waving motion, just before the crescendo. The strings had faded away, powerful piano keys resonated as the music picked up. The mood instantly changed as deep cello strings, down three octaves, joined the melody. 

Yuuri made his first jump combination, a quadruple toe triple loop, both jumps flawless. Yuuri cheered inside, smiling. The soundtrack rang in his ears as wind instruments made up the harmony. His next combination was a double axel double toe. He slipped out ever so slightly on the double axel, cursing under his breath as he saved it just in time for the double toe. 

He had no time to be frustrated. He had to gain back those points he’d lost for the axel. And well, what better way to do that than by changing around some jumps? Yuuri added a quadruple loop onto his next jump combination, a quadruple toe-triple salchow, now with an added loop. It was risky on Yuuri’s part, but he jumped with no thought about that, landing each jump without flaws. 

His last jump was a butterfly jump, which he never failed to land. The music began to die down, the strings fading away, the wind instruments coming to a halt as Yuuri pulled his body taut into a scratch spin to take his final pose. Yuuri was panting, exhausted as plush toys and flowers came raining down on the ice. He smiled widely before waving. Yuuri bowed to both sides of the ice before skating to the barriers to meet Stephane, who held Mika against his shoulder. 

“Hi baby.” Yuuri sighed contently, heart still racing and breaths heavy. Yuuri took his guards from the barrier and put them on, coming off the ice. 

“Let’s go. You did really well today.” Stephane smiled and Yuuri felt proud. He had a good feeling. 

Stephane sat down at the kiss and cry, handing Mika to Yuuri as he sat down. Yuuri kept Mika held against his shoulder and hidden away as he sat on his lap. “Did you enjoy watching me, baby? Yeah?” Yuuri cooed, kissing Mika’s head. 

“The scores for Yuuri Katsuki. Two-hundred and fifteen point zero five. He is currently in first place.” Yuuri stared at the scores on the screen. There was one skater who remained after him, though – Yuri Plisetsky. Yuuri leaned over to hug Stephane, a huge smile on his face. He handed Mika to Stephane for a quick second before removing his skates, swapping his skates for Mika so he could hold him. 

“Thank you, coach.” He smiled softly as they stood up, moving away from the kiss and cry. Yuuri watched as Yurio took the ice, pushing away from the barriers as Victor, Lilia, and Yakov leaned over the barrier. He caught Lilia’s eye, smiling softly as her stern face became a pleasant smile before quickly turning back to Yurio.

Yuuri slid behind the curtain to change into a pair of trainers before coming back out to watch Yurio skate.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri stood on top of the podium, just two-point-four points ahead of Yurio. Yurio couldn’t say he was mad though. Yuuri more than anyone deserved that gold medal. 

Yuuri felt great on top of the podium, Yurio to his left and JJ to his right. It felt good. For once Yuuri felt deserving of his gold medal, the weight feeling rewarding instead of heavy. He felt like he could breathe. Breathe without his lungs being crushed. He had the biggest smile covering his face as the photos were take and the medals were put around their necks. 

“Congratulations guys.” He congratulated Yurio and JJ before stepping off the podium and heading towards his son.

“Hi baby. Look what I scored for you.” Yuuri said proudly, stepping off the ice to kiss Mika. Mika babbled, reaching out to tug at the medal around Yuuri’s neck. “It’s gold. Do you like gold, Mika?” Yuuri asked, smiling softly at his little boy, who continued to insistently tug and fiddle with Yuuri’s medal. 

“Well done Yuuri. You deserve that gold medal.” Stephane said, ruffling Yuuri’s hair, yet careful not to disturb the slicked back style. 

“Thank you, coach. It feels well deserved.” He chuckled.  
———————————————————————  
After a long and tiring conference Yuuri got changed back into his training gear again, and Stephane was waiting for him outside the changing rooms for him. He stepped out, holding Mika and expecting to see Stephane but instead… platinum locks caught his eye first, and then, the tall figure in a sharp Armani suit. Victor. 

Yuuri was stunned silent. Yuuri’s legs were trembling like a deer in headlights as he took a step back, as if he were trying to get away from him but Victor looked just as scared as Yuuri felt. Yuuri held his breath, panic rising as his heart pounded wildly, his breath cutting. 

“Yuuri!” Victor called and Yuuri wanted to leave. He wanted to but his legs wouldn’t move. His fingers clutched tightly around the handle of Mika’s carrier, knuckles going white. He looked to Stephane for help but he was nowhere to be seen. Yuuri stared into Victor’s turquoise eyes, fear covering his face as he turned pale. Yuuri felt sick. He swallowed a lump in his throat. 

“G-get away from me… please…” Yuuri’s voice was meant to be sharp and piercing, but it came out as a shaky plea. Tears began to stream his face as he turned away from Victor, preparing to run. But then a hand caught his elbow, grip tight and pulling just hard enough to make Yuuri hesitate. 

“Yuuri please… wait.” Victor pleaded, but Yuuri shook himself free of his grip. 

“Don’t touch me.” Yuuri sucked in a deep, shaky breath. The touch of Victor’s hand almost burned the skin on his elbow, the heat feeling like it would leave marks on his flesh. Yuuri’s blood was pounding in his ears as his face flooded with tears. He couldn’t stand here a moment longer. Yuuri ran. He ran in the direction of the doors. 

“I’m sorry!” A trembling voice called, loud in his ears and suddenly… he stopped. Yuuri stopped running. That thick Russian accent that Yuuri had fallen so in love with was calling for him and no matter how much Yuuri wanted to disregard him and run… he couldn’t. He physically couldn’t do that. Victor caught up to him but Yuuri did not turn around. Yuuri swallowed a lump in his throat. 

“You left me.” Victor held his breath, scared for what was to follow. “You left me when I needed you the most.” Yuuri tried his hardest to speak through tears, but words came out broken and damaged, his breath catching between them. “You’re not a part of my life anymore and… sometimes I wish you never were.” He whispered, his fingers tightening around the handle of the baby carrier, as if that were possible. He stared at the carpeted floor in front of him. “I never knew pain until you left me. So please, I beg of you. Just leave me alone.” Yuuri’s words faded to almost nothing, silent chokes coming up his throat as he found the power to force his legs to keep moving. 

Yuuri, now an emotional mess, bolted through the doors of the arena and didn’t stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:  
> It’s the day of the gala exhibition and the banquet.  
> Victor watches Yuuri from afar.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The events of March 2nd, 2018.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ignore last chapters notes!  
> I think this is probably the chapter everyone has been waiting to see, and it seemed to fit well here, so here it is!

March 2nd, 2018 – The Katsuki-Nikiforov Household.

“No Victor! You’re not listening to me at all!” Yuuri was on the verge of tears. They had been arguing back and forth, about nothing specific either. Everything was just boiling over. Yuuri was just getting so frustrated and angry. 

“You can’t expect me to deal with every single one of your mood swings and just smile through it!” Victor shouted back. Yuuri had been so… back and forth lately. His mood was out of control, and it was a hit in the bond mark on Victor’s neck. He could feel everything. “I can’t take your… schizophrenic mood anymore!” Victor exclaimed, fists clenched and knuckles turning white. Yuuri’s breath hitched. Yuuri never expected to be insulted like that, especially by Victor… Victor took a deep breath. 

“This isn’t working.” Yuuri gasped, tears streaming his face. “I want a divorce.” What? Had he… heard correctly? Yuuri’s heart pounded wildly, his breath catching in his throat as his blood ran cold. Yuuri couldn’t believe this was happening. 

They stood in silence. 

“I-is that what you want?” Yuuri’s voice was raspy from crying, his words coming out as a mere whisper and god, Victor could hear Yuuri. He could feel Yuuri. Everything. He knew exactly what was going through Yuuri’s head and suddenly… Victor didn’t want to let him go. But he had to. It wasn’t working. Why did he have to ask? Victor held his breath. 

“It is.” And Victor watched Yuuri’s eyes widen, fear stricken across his face. But then Yuuri’s face dropped. Like he’d given up. Victor wanted Yuuri to put up a fight. He wanted Yuuri to ask “why?”, but Yuuri just accepted it. Victor watched as Yuuri silently climbed the stairs, desperately holding back more tears. 

Victor wanted to chase him up the stairs. Chase him up the stairs and wrap his arms around Yuuri’s waist and cry and apologise and tell Yuuri how much he loves him. But what’s done… is done. Victor instantly regretted it. Seeing and feeling how destroyed Yuuri was inside just broke Victor’s heart. Victor was so conflicted. He wanted to make this work. He had tried. But he was doing nothing but hurt Yuuri. 

Yuuri only allowed more tears to fall once he had reached the bedroom. Trembling hands pulled his suitcases from the wardrobe and he opened it. Yuuri looked around the room. Around the home they’d built together. Yuuri pulled all of his clothes and shoes and shoved them in his suitcase. He didn’t have much here with him, but still. Packing it away was so painful. Clothes and shoes in one bag, miscellaneous items in the other, and that was most of his possessions. He took his suitcases and looked around at the bedroom one last time before closing the door. 

Yuuri came out into the hallway and stared at the framed photograph on the wall from their wedding day. Hands held in each other’s, foreheads touching as their suits looked sharp and pristine and Yuuri cried. He sobbed. That was the happiest day of his life. He smiled solemnly before tearing his eyes away. He quietly lugged his suitcases down the stairs. 

Seeing Victor knelt on the floor crying was heart wrenching. Yuuri just wanted to fall to his knees and wrap his arms around his neck and apologise for being so… difficult. But it wouldn’t matter. Victor didn’t love him anymore. Yuuri slipped past him and nothing was more bitter sweet than when Makkachin padded up to him at the door, pawing at his leg and Yuuri just wanted to leave and look back but… 

Victor could hear as Yuuri came down the stairs. He couldn’t stop crying. He’d ruined everything. He’d ruined his life and Yuuri’s life. Victor tossed Yuuri to the side so fast Victor couldn’t even look at him, ashamed and guilty. 

Yuuri kneeled down and hugged Makkachin tight as she whimpered and licked at his face, confused and wondering what was going on.  
“Take care of Vitya.” He whispered before standing up. Yuuri opened the front door and his heart strings tugged as Makkachin tried to follow him out, only to have the door shut in his face. That tore Yuuri’s heart apart the most. 

Yuuri’s shaky hands slid his wedding band off, along with his engagement ring. With his— Victor’s house keys, he slid all three items through the mail slot. Yuuri turned on his heels with his suitcases and headed down the steps and onto the pavement. 

Victor heard the door shut, and the crack of keys against the floor. Makkachin’s nails tapped against the floorboards, whimpering as she approached Victor, licking and pawing at him. Victor pulled Makkachin in so fast, trying to find some comfort in his furry friend, but to no avail. 

Yuuri looked at their— Victor’s house one last time before he turned and ran. Ran in the pouring rain, tears streaking his face as the thunder clapped. Yuuri ran until he didn’t even know where he was. He sat down on a bench, the rain still heavy and he sobbed until his throat was hoarse and his head was pounding. 

Yuuri forced himself to stand up. Luggage in his hands, he made the trek to the house of the only person in Russia who he could trust. Lilia. Yuuri’s legs were numbed from the cold rain, blood vessels coming to the surface of his hands as he sniffled and cried silently to himself. What was he going to tell Lilia? What was he going to tell his family? Yuuri was so ashamed of himself.

Hesitant fists knocked at her door. 

The door creaked open and Lilia was faced with a cold, wet, teary eyed Yuuri. 

“Yuuri?” Lilia stepped aside to let Yuuri into the house. “Come on. I’ll grab you a towel. Get changed out of those wet clothes and we’ll talk.” Yuuri couldn’t find his voice. Lilia quickly grabbed him a towel and returned promptly. Yuuri took the towel and nodded in thanks, silently trailing his suitcases to the spare room he’d stayed in so many times recently and he shut the door. Yuuri slid down the door, his face buried in his knees and screamed.  
———————————————————————  
Victor didn’t even know what time it was by the time he managed to pick himself up. His trembling legs carried him to the front door, where his shaky fingers picked up two rings, and a key with a single key charm on it – a charm with a photo of them in their honeymoon hung off it. The rings were cold against his hand, the glint they usually had on Yuuri’s finger had faded, becoming nothing but a dull piece of metal. Victor held the rings to his chest before picking up Yuuri’s house key. He stared at the charm, touching it gently as he remembered their dream honeymoon in Bali. 

His knees shook as he stood up, his life now in shambles. Victor sat for hours at the front door, fiddling with what were once Yuuri’s wedding and engagement rings. Victor’s heart was so heavy. Victor had failed Yuuri. 

Victor promised to be with Yuuri through thick and thin. To love and cherish him. To hold him close forever. Victor promised him. But Victor abandoned Yuuri. Yuuri, the love of his life, his first and only love, would be gone forever. Victor didn’t know how he could ever forgive himself. Victor would never forgive himself and he would take his guilt to the grave. 

Victor just hoped to god he’d made the right decision to free Yuuri. He hoped to god this wasn’t a mistake. Victor cried until his head was pounding in pain, his throat sore and sure to be destroyed for the next few days. 

Victor prayed that this was a bad nightmare, and he’d wake up to Yuuri cuddled up to him in bed, his head tucked under Victor’s chin. Victor prayed that things would go back to the way they were before all of these problems. Victor prayed that they would wake up, and Yuuri would tell him it was just a bad dream. They would cuddle before climbing out of bed. They would get their morning coffee and cuddle some more. They would take Makkachin on her walk and everything would be okay. 

That did not happen. This, Victor realised, was very real. Too real.  
———————————————————————  
Lilia managed to coax Yuuri out of his room and onto the sofa. He could not stop crying. Lilia passed tissue after tissue, and poured him mug after mug of tea until Yuuri calmed down enough to speak. Yuuri took a deep breath. 

“Victor doesn’t love me anymore.” Well, out of everything, Lilia was not expecting that. She waited for Yuuri to speak in his own tie, never pushing him to talk. “I don’t know what happened.” Yuuri squeaked through tears. “Did he ever love me?” He dares to ask, squeezing the blanket currently in his fists. “What did I do wrong? I don’t understand.” Yuuri’s voice cracked as he choked on his tears. 

“What happened, Yuuri?” Lilia asked, handing Yuuri another tissue. 

“Victor asked for a d-div…” Yuuri was so, so ashamed. He felt humiliated. Vulnerable. He couldn’t say it, but Lilia understood. Lilia did not know what to say. 

“I hate this so much.” 

When they first started dating this feeling always haunted Yuuri. The feeling that Victor would get bored of him and leave, tossing Yuuri aside. It taunted him for months and months as a little voice at the back of his mind. Eventually, that voice faded. It drowned away amongst their happy memories together. Yuuri was content with Victor. He felt secure, safe. Victor wasn’t going to leave him. 

Except he did. 

Yuuri should have trusted his gut. Yuuri should have listened to that nagging voice and left before they got hurt. Yuuri would never have gotten hurt this much if they hadn’t gotten married. This experience was Yuuri’s first taste at real, brutal pain. Yuuri has been hurt a lot in his life. He’s experienced mental traumas, physical traumas, but none of those ever even came close to how this felt. 

Yuuri never expected it to be the one he loved the most who would damage him like this.  
———————————————————————  
Victor had never been one to believe in god, but Victor was praying to every deity who would listen for Yuuri to come home. 

“The number you have dialled is currently unavailable. Please try again later.” Victor had tried for three days to call Yuuri with no success. Even if Yuuri never wanted to return Victor just wanted to know he was safe. Victor threw his phone across the living room and pulled his knees to his chest, burying his face in his knees. Makkachin tucked her face into the hollow of where Victor’s knees bent, whimpering for attention. 

“I’m sorry. I haven’t been able to give you my attention.” Victor apologetically sighed, his fingertips running through her fur. Mila had been by the last couple of days to take Makkachin for a walk. Victor couldn’t bare to do it himself, when it was something he always did with Yuuri. He couldn’t walk Makkachin alone. Not yet at least.

Victor noticed how Makkachin always sat at the spot in the kitchen where she would keep Yuuri company while he cooked every day. She would move to the hallway, where their wedding photo hung. Victor would find her tucked in the wardrobe where Yuuri’s scent remained. It tore Victor’s heart apart to see Makkachin like this. The way she whimpered at the wardrobe, sniffing around because she could smell Yuuri. But where was he? 

Victor gazed at the divorce papers on the table, pen next to them, untouched. Victor couldn’t bring himself to sign them. He kept holding and clinging onto that little shred of hope that Yuuri would return. Yuuri would return and Victor would get on his knees and grovel for forgiveness and apologise every second of every minute and cry and beg Yuuri to stay. But Victor knew in the back of his head that this would be the last time Yuuri would walk out. 

Because he was never coming back.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri had spent two weeks at Lilia’s place, crying his eyes out. Lilia tried to get him to eat, but Yuuri just couldn’t eat without vomiting. Everything that went down came back up just hours later. He tried to keep it down, but it just wouldn’t stay down. Something was forcing this food back up his throat. 

The first day that Yuuri had hauled himself out of bed for the first time in two weeks was painful. His limbs had almost stiffened. He felt weak and ill, not like he was surprised. The first thing he did was run to the toilet and vomit. He hadn’t even eaten yet! Yuuri leaned over the toilet, bile forcing its way up his throat as he violently vomited into the toilet. 

Yuuri tried to keep himself occupied. Lilia had confiscated his phone and put it away for him, only willing to return it if Yuuri wanted to contact his parents. Lilia had given him the key to the ballet studio, so he could use it whenever he wanted, but he just wasn’t sure if he could scrape together enough energy to do so. 

He looked at the pointe shoes in his bag, and his skates next to them. Two pairs of footwear which meant to spark motivation and flare could only ignite… resentment. Disgust. Yuuri hated it. Even the one thing he loved he most had been tainted and Yuuri hated it. 

Yuuri just kept hoping and hoping that he was going to wake up from this nightmare. That he was going to wake up wrapped in Victor’s arms, his head tucked under Victor’s chin. Victor was going to tell him that it was just a bad dream, and that he’s here forever. They were going to cuddle a little longer, and Victor would make them morning coffee, and they’d take Makkachin out as every morning and everything would be okay. 

But nothing would be okay. Yuuri was not okay.  
———————————————————————  
After the first week Victor found himself in no state to look after Makkachin, and with a heavy heart, she left with Mila for a while. He needed his furry companion more than anything, but Makkachin needed proper love and care that he just couldn’t give her at the moment. 

Victor eventually had to drag himself to the rink to help Yurio choreograph for the new season. Yurio did not even dare to question or make any snarky comments about how disheveled and tired Victor looked. News spread fast around the rink, it seemed, as everyone worked in silence around him. 

Victor hoped choreographing would take his mind away from Yuuri, but it did the exact opposite. Every jump written in the notebook, every spin that was there, Victor could only picture Yuuri doing those. The barrier with the Aeroflot banner on it… he once got scolded by Yakov for making out with Yuuri there. The bench by the stereo… Yuuri would sit there to tie his skates. There was nowhere Victor could look without seeing Yuuri. 

But Victor had to finish this season. There was one more competition left – Worlds on the twenty-fourth of March. Victor just needed enough energy to make it through worlds. Victor had plans for next season as his last as a competitor but… Victor couldn’t see that happening anymore. What was skating without Yuuri anyway? 

Victor just had to keep his head focussed and make it through the season.  
———————————————————————  
Lilia took Yuuri to Victor’s house, knowing he’d be at the rink, to pack up the rest of his things. 

“Will you be okay?” Yuuri wanted to nod, but instead, he shook his head, chewing his lip between his teeth. “In and out as fast as we can.” Lilia encouraged, one empty suitcase in her hand as she unlocked the door. 

As soon as the door opened emotions flooded back. About the first time they’d stepped into their new home, the first time they’d made love in their new home, but more prominently, memories of their fight. The last fight that would ever occur between them again. Yuuri started to cry. He stood at the doorway, completely overwhelmed as realty hit him in the stomach. He was leaving, and never coming back. Victor had tossed him away and Yuuri had such a difficult time accepting that. 

Lilia coaxed him into the house. The tips of his trembling fingers ran over the furniture as he made his way deeper into the house, picking up his books, the remainder of his winter clothes, his bath products, and his medals. When Yuuri entered the bedroom it was… just sad. There was no other word for it. He hesitantly walked over to what used to be his side of the bed, and opened the drawer. He picked up his face cream and his watch, his gaze lingering as he spotted their wedding album. 

Yuuri’s shaking hands picked up the album and god. He was crying again, almost screaming as he slid down onto the floor, hugging the album to his chest and digging his fingertips into the cover. Lilia slowly opened the door, sighing sadly at how much of a mess Yuuri was. She knelt down to him, supporting him as he stood up. 

“I think you should leave that behind.” But Yuuri violently shook his head. He refused to leave this behind, because that would truly be the end of it all. Even if this photo album kicked him in the heart and trampled all over him while he was down he was going to keep this. He was going to preserve every memory of the happiest day of his life even if it killed him. Lilia sighed again – there was no changing Yuuri’s mind. “Is that everything?” Yuuri nodded. “Come on, let’s go.” 

Yuuri followed Lilia out of the bedroom, closing the door softly. They went down the stairs, and Yuuri caught sight of the leash he used for Makkachin, noticing that Victor’s one was not there. He touched it gently, his bottom lip trembling as he let it go. There out of the corner of his eye he spotted a stack of papers on the coffee table. He held his breath. They weren’t there when he left. 

Yuuri’s weak legs pulled him to the table, where as he suspected, sat a stack of divorce papers. 

“Mention of Dismantlement of Marriage 

FROM  
(C) ___________________ 

TO  
(D)____________________” 

Yuuri noticed that Victor hadn’t signed it yet. But with liquid courage, he picked up the pen and printed his name; 

YUURI KATSUKI-NIKIFOROV 

And signed it, a single tear landing on the paper as the put the pen down. 

“We can go now.” Yuuri said quietly as he turned back to Lilia. 

“Come on. Let’s get you a flight home as quickly as possible.” Lilia said, leading him out of the house.  
———————————————————————  
When Victor returned from the rink he instantly noticed the missing winter coats that normally hung from the hook, and the empty half of the medal cabinet. He gasped. Yuuri had come by. 

Victor raced upstairs to the bedroom to see the remnants of Yuuri’s wardrobe stripped, and the top of his bedside table bare. He opened the first draw, his eyes widening as his breath hitched. Yuuri had taken his copy of the wedding album too. Yuuri’s sink was empty, as it was when they first got the bathroom installed. He couldn’t believe it. 

He headed back downstairs and into the living room, rushing towards the stack of divorce papers. They were stained with a single tear drop, Yuuri’s name printed in block capitals and signed. Suddenly, it was all too real. A quivering hand picked up the pen. There was no point leaving his part empty anymore. He printed his name and signed the papers, slipping them into the envelope. 

And then… Victor broke down. He completely broke down because this couldn’t be happening. But it was. Reality hit him like a bus. This was too real. This wasn’t happening. But it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Back to the present day, and it’s the day of the Exhibition Gala.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Exhibition. Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW IM ON FIRE THIS WEEK HOLY SHIT??

Victor had never felt so weak and insecure. Yuuri, the love of his life, just told him that he wished Victor was never a part of his life. It stung. It stung like salt in a paper cut. After two and a half years married, and two years prior dating, Victor would never have thought that Yuuri would ever say that. But even Victor knew that trauma does things to you. It changes you in unpredictable ways. Victor was the cause of that trauma. He couldn’t even say he was angry. 

Just disappointed in himself. 

Victor watched as Yuuri left. He didn’t chase him. He just stood there, feeling empty. Victor had no one to blame but himself. Maybe Victor should give up. It was clear that there way no chance that Yuuri would ever want to talk to him ever again. Victor was heartbroken. But he deserves this. This was the path he’d carved for himself and unfortunately, it just was never going to cross with Yuuri ever again. 

Victor knew there was one last opportunity for Yuuri’s attention. He just didn’t know whether it was worth taking. Victor walked slowly back to the hotel and shut the door. With a sigh he reached into his pocket, pulling out a piece of paper. Down the left column was the list of every skater who had been invited to the gala, their position and division, and their soundtrack. At the bottom of the list, right below Yuuri Katsuki, was… himself. 

Victor couldn’t help but think about Yuuri’s exhibition skate. It was a translation of his feelings and Victor had never been so nervous to anyone skate. Maybe he would finally understand how Yuuri felt. But his only worry was that once Yuuri saw that exhibition schedule… he would pull out. And Victor would never be able to see things from Yuuri’s perspective. 

To be honest, Victor couldn’t even say for certain what the main focus of his exhibition was, there was so much meaning to it. Maybe it was a diary, maybe it was a translation, but one thing Victor could say was… it was mainly an apology to Yuuri. Victor knew, he just knew Yuuri wouldn’t stay for it. But he held on to a shred of hope that maybe he would stay to watch it.  
———————————————————————  
“Yuuri, you need to see this.” Stephane has taken Yuuri to the local rink to practice his exhibition piece in a bit more privacy. Yesterday he got handed the exhibition schedule, but until now hadn’t had time to go through it. With a soft sigh, he scanned the list of names. Normally, the most notable skaters are invited to skate at the gala exhibition, starting with memorable skaters, then bronze medalists, silver medalists, and then gold medalists. So Yuuri would be the last person to skate before the finale. 

“What is it?” Stephane handed the sheet to Yuuri, who glanced at the sheet. Yuuri gasped sharply, trembling fingers dropping the piece of paper as it gracefully fell to the ground. His hands came up to cover his face, overwhelmed and surprised because it turned out Yuuri would not be the last one to skate. There was one person after him. 

Victor Nikiforov. 

Victor Nikiforov in bold letters, the track column left empty. Yuuri felt his legs begin to shake under him as he took quivering breaths, tears streaking his cheeks. Yuuri couldn’t fathom it. Out of the many surprise guests they’d had at previous galas Yuuri never expected to see Victor’s name there. 

“Do you still want to skate? You can withdraw and I can cover for you.” Stephane asked, but Yuuri shook his head. 

“I have to… I’m the gold medalist.” Yuuri squeaked. “But I don’t think I can stay for the finale.” This just felt so… wrong. As the singles men’s gold medalist, Yuuri was supposed to be the last skater in line to join everyone on the ice. He was supposed to be the spot light. But he didn’t think he could do it. “I c-can’t skate in the finale I can’t do it.” Yuuri felt so weak and vulnerable again and suddenly he didn’t want this gold medal anymore. It was meaningless. 

The gala was supposed to be a time for skaters to unite and have fun but how could Yuuri possibly enjoy himself when he felt so insecure? Yuuri stepped off the ice and sat down on the bench to stop himself from passing out. He rubbed his eyes, trying to force the tears away. 

“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. It would be nice to have everyone’s favourite gold medalist there though” Stephane sat down next to him, trying to encourage Yuuri to stay for the finale. 

“I-I can’t Stephane I can’t… I can’t ever step on the ice with him again.” Yuuri cried, burying his face in his hands to muffle his choked sobs. Stephane put a hand on Yuuri’s shoulder and squeezed gently. 

“You don’t have to stay for the finale if you can’t, but I think it might bring you a bit of peace.” Stephane said quietly. “I won’t force you to stay, but I am encouraging you to take a chance.” Yuuri nodded, lifting his head and dabbing his eyes dry. “Have a think about it, alright? I think you need to take a break for now though.” Stephane ruffled Yuuri’s hair, who took a deep, shaking breath. 

Yuuri reached his hand into Mika’s carrier, gently stroking his cheek with his finger as he slept.  
He thought about what Stephane had said, and he was right – being on the ice with Victor was a barrier he had to break for himself. But it didn’t have to be now. In his own time, maybe he’d get there. But for now, Yuuri just wanted to feel safe.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri struggled to sleep that night. Victor was constantly on his mind. He thought about the love they once had for each other – The memories they shared together on their honeymoon, the cuddles they had together on their sofa with Makkachin, the showers they shared together at the end of the day. 

Yuuri couldn’t stop thinking about how cold everything was. The bed was cold, his showers were cold, his body was cold. Something was missing. Or rather someone. Yuuri is still so ridiculously in love with Victor. But he hates to admit it. He can’t admit it. Not to himself, not to Mika, not to anyone. Yuuri can’t acknowledge it and in fact, he constantly denies it because it terrifies him. 

Mari has asked him before, just after Mika was born, if he was still in love with Victor, and if he still thinks about him. She knows he is. Hiroko knows he is. Everyone knows. You don’t just fall out of love for someone so abruptly after loving them for as long as Yuuri adored Victor. It takes time. Possibly more time than Yuuri had left of his life. But even still Yuuri denied it. At the same time there will never be anyone who Yuuri will love in this way as much as he does Victor. 

And it’s a blow in the stomach, knowing someone you love so dearly will never return that mutual feeling. Or rather, knowing someone you love so dearly ran out of adoration for you. Especially knowing that no one could ever come as close to Yuuri’s heart as Victor did. Yuuri didn’t want much. He just wanted to be treasured, to feel like he meant something to someone.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri got into his gala costume before heading to the rink. To be in such a state and have to face seventeen other skaters in the changing room… that would be humiliating. Mika had a bit of a fussy morning – with his teeth still coming through and particularly persistent today his temper was short fused. But Yuuri couldn’t find it anything but cute. He’d made a quick trip to the local pharmacy, picking up some soothing gel for his teeth, and another teething ring, and it didn’t take Mika long to settle back down again. 

“Are you feeling okay now, baby?” Yuuri asked as he peeled and snapped a banana in half. “Have a nibble on this.” Yuuri handed one half of the banana to Mika, who grabbed at it with his tiny hands. Yuuri watched, an adoring smile spread on his face. “Ammy!” Mika babbled. “Yes, baby?” Mika held the banana out towards Yuuri, who chuckled fondly. “Ahmm.” Yuuri mimicked the sound of a bite, pretending to bite the banana. “Thank you, baby.” 

Yuuri watched as Mika slowly made his way through half a banana, bits of banana sticking to the corner of his lip and his chin. Once Mika finished the banana, Yuuri took the packet of wet wipes from his bag, swiping it over Mika’s chin to remove the bits of banana.  
“Alright. We ready to go? Yeah? And then we can go and eat together afterwards.” Yuri said, slipping Mika into his coat. 

Yuuri strapped Mika into his carrier and picked up the bag with his skates. Yuuri left his room and locked the door before heading down the elevator to meet Stephane in the lobby. 

“Hey. How are you feeling?” Stephane asked, pushing himself off the wall as Yuuri approached him. 

“Okay I guess… Nervous maybe? I’m not sure…” Yuuri murmured, letting out a soft sigh. “I just… want to get the exhibition over with so I can recover.” Yuuri frowned, his brows knitting together. 

“It’ll be over before you know it and we can head home.” Stephane said reassuringly as they left the hotel. Quietly, they crossed the road to the arena and Yuuri took a deep, shaky breath as they walked in.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri had never thanked his lucky stars so much that the rink lights were dimmed for the exhibition. His costume was simple – a pair of simple black pants, and a white, pin-tucked shirt covered in crystals down the chest which gradually faded out, refracting light as the spot lights hit the crystals. He’d watched the notable skaters, he’d watched the bronze medalists, the silver medalists, and the ladies, ice dance, and pairs gold medalists. Now, it was Yuuri’s turn. 

Yuuri presses a kiss to Mika’s forehead, squeezing his tiny hand with a soft smile.  
“I’ll be back in a bit, baby boy. I love you.” Yuuri moved to the edge of the ice and removed his blade guards. The corner of Yuuri’s eye caught Victor’s figure as he stepped onto the ice and part of him hoped that he would be watching. With a sigh, Yuuri plastered a wide smile on his face and lapped the rink before coming to the centre. 

“Senior men’s gold medalist, Katsuki Yuuri.” 

Yuuri took a deep breath. He’d chosen this track to explain his feelings, to make sense of everything that was going on. And for once, he hoped that maybe Victor was watching. Because this was everything he wanted to say to him.

“Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.  
Sometimes I feel like giving up,  
But I just can't.  
It isn't in my blood.”

Yuuri decided to omit any quads from his exhibition skate. While it was being choreographed, there were a few thrown in but they didn’t fit the feel of the piece like Yuuri had hoped. It seemed too… strong. And that was exactly what Yuuri was not.

“Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing.  
I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something.  
I could take to ease my mind slowly.  
Just have a drink and you'll feel better,  
Just take her home and you'll feel better.  
Keep telling me that it gets better,  
Does it ever?”

“Do you see, Victor?” Yuuri let his mind run as he skated, everything he couldn’t say out loud translated into his program. “How much it hurt?” Yuuri pulled himself taut into a triple axel, slipping out ever so slightly as he landed. “How much pain I was in?” 

“Help me, it's like the walls are caving in…  
Sometimes I feel like giving up,  
No medicine is strong enough.  
Someone help me…  
I'm crawling in my skin.  
Sometimes I feel like giving up,  
But I just can't,  
It isn't in my blood.  
It isn't in my blood…”

Yuuri spread his thighs and arched his back into an ina bauer, his body relaxing with a deep sigh. To be honest, Yuuri wasn’t sure whether he’d chosen the right track to skate to. At first Yuuri thought this was the perfect song to explain his feelings. But now that he’d seen Victor he wasn’t so sure. The lyrics still explained how Yuuri felt, but maybe there were more to his feelings now. 

“Can you see, Victor? I still love you.” Triple axel-double loop combination. “It doesn’t matter than you don’t love me. If you love Mika, that’s all I want.” Yuuri jumped a butterfly jump, and then with one leg out and his body leaned to the side, Yuuri pulled himself into a camel spin, both arms held behind his back. 

“I'm looking through my phone again, feeling anxious.  
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this.  
I'm trying to find a way to chill, can't breathe, oh  
Is there somebody who could  
Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.  
Sometimes I feel like giving up,  
No medicine is strong enough.  
Someone help me,  
I'm crawling in my skin.  
Sometimes I feel like giving up.  
But I just can't…”

“When we first started dating I never expected you to stay by me forever. I figured one day you would move on to bigger things. After all, you’re Victor Nikiforov. And I was okay with that. I would accept that and just appreciate the time we spent together.” Yuuri’s inner thoughts made tears fall from his eyes, tears that he didn’t even realise were there, as he skated.

‘It isn't in my blood…  
It isn't in my blood.  
I need somebody now…  
I need somebody now.  
Someone to help me out…  
I need somebody now…”

“However… that changed when you asked me to marry you. I realised that you would be in this forever. Or… so I thought.” Another ina bauer, and this time, it was followed by a bielleman spin. Yuuri pulled his back leg up behind him by the blade of his skate and tilted his head back. “At first I was angry. Resentful. I hated myself, I hated everything, and I hated… you.” 

“Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.  
Sometimes I feel like giving up,  
But I just can't.  
It isn't in my blood.”

“I realised I could never hate you forever. I don’t even know if I ever truly hated you. I began to accept that you just didn’t love me anymore, but more than that, I began to realise why you fell out of love for me.” Tears streaked Yuuri’s face, pinking his cheeks. He bit the inside of his cheek, holding back more tears.

“It isn't in my blood.  
It isn't in my blood…  
I need somebody now.  
It isn't in my blood…  
I need somebody now.  
It isn't in my blood.”

“I understand. My emotions were too much. You did your best with me and I understand that. I can accept it now, that you won’t ever love me again. But if you can accept Mika as your own, then that’s all I need.” Yuuri rose from his camel-sit spin, and with one arm above his head and the other around his waist, his camel-sit spin became a scratch spin. “I’m trying, Victor. I’m trying my best…”

Yuuri was panting and crying at the same time, both physically and mentally exhausted. The roar of the crowds was deafening in his ears as he skated back towards Stephane, and at the next barrier, about to get on the ice was… Victor.  
Yuuri spared a glance in his direction, shocked to see pink cheeks and puffy eyes, even in the dark of the arena. Yuuri had known Victor long enough to know he’d been crying. But why? As far as Yuuri was concerned, this meant nothing to Victor. 

“On the ice, from Russia, five time Grand Prix champion, five time world champion, and two time Olympic champion Victor Nikiforov.” Yuuri swallowed back tears and got off the ice, sliding his guards back onto his feet. Immediately, he headed for Mika in his carrier. With a quaking voice and a tears face, Yuuri whispered, “come on, baby. We should go.” 

But as soon as the music started, Yuuri’s feet immediately froze in place. He couldn’t move even if he wanted to. With a sharp gasp, Yuuri squeezed his fists tightly and bit the inside of his cheek to hold back tears as he turned around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Yuuri skates to is “In My Blood” by Shawn Mendes.  
> Next Chapter:  
> We jump back into the past again to find out exactly how Yuuri found out he was pregnant.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another flashback. Let’s find out what happened to Yuuri after he left Russia <\3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! This (I think) is the last chapter that goes further downhill. Everything from here should go upwards. 
> 
> CW for attempted suicide
> 
> Big big big shoutout to @psipisi because I had a pretty difficult time writing this chapter, but she was an absolute godsend when it came to me and my indecisiveness!!

Beep. Beep. Beep. 

The heart monitor was at a steady, yet slow pace as Hiroko squeezed Yuuri’s hand tightly as she sat at the side of his bed. The room was grey, the mood gloomy as the bright white hospital lights hovered over Yuuri like a spotlight. A mask laid over Yuuri’s face, tubes and tubes going into his stomach, his arms, his hands. The room was almost silent, the only other sound being the faint “tick tock” of the clock on the wall. Dark eye bags hung from Yuuri’s eyes, his skin pale and slightly dry. Yuuri was lifeless. 

Lilia stepped into the room quietly, pulling Hiroko from her thoughts and apologising in slow English to Hiroko about her lateness. Hiroko smiled sadly as she watched her sit down on the other side of the bed.  
“He’d be happy to see you.” 

Yuuri’s breathing was steady, his condition stable. Hiroko rested her hand on Yuuri’s bump, feeling the warmth and the slight movement of the unborn baby in his stomach. It had been two weeks, and Yuuri still hadn’t woken up. Two to four weeks, the doctor said it would take, but Hiroko just couldn’t be that patient. 

“How is he?” Lilia asked as she gave him a pitiful look, gently squeezing his hand. 

“He’s stable, just asleep.” Hiroko sighed quietly. “But he’s… he’s expecting too. I didn’t know…” Lilia looked up in shock as she comprehended what Hiroko had just told her. 

“Is the baby…?” 

“Okay.” Hiroko smiled. “Baby is okay.” Lilia sighed in relief. 

“You’d better be awake and dancing again by next week, Yuuri. Don’t make your mother worry. I want you awake and on your feet again as soon as possible.” She smiled proudly at him, before reaching into her bag to pull out a pot of face cream. “Honestly Yuuri, a prima-donna should never let their skin get that dry.” She opened the lid, and passed the pot to Hiroko. 

With a confused face, she soon understood, and took the pot. Hiroko swiped some cream up onto her fingers and massaged it into Yuuri’s skin with a nostalgic look on her face, before returning the pot to Lilia. 

“Thank you for coming.” Hiroko said gratefully.  
———————————————————————  
2 Weeks Ago… 

It was quiet. The skies were dark as Yuuri walked, only the flash of car headlights visible in his immediate vision. He’d been crying. It had been three weeks since they’d split, and one week since he’d packed up his life in Russia and come home. His life… it meant nothing now. Nobody loved him. Nobody wanted him. Yuuri was worth nothing. The one person he thought would stick by him forever… the person he was going to spend the rest of his life with… maybe even start a family with had left him. Just… given up on him. Given up on them. What was his life without Victor? 

Empty. It was empty. Yuuri was like a hollow shell, nothing inside but darkness. He felt numb. It was a terrifying, yet somehow a normal feeling. This numb feeling was not new to Yuuri, but put together with this circumstance was so scary, because this was what true loneliness felt like. By now Yuuri’s head was throbbing, sharp pains coursing up his spine and his eyes were wet and his face puffy. There was nothing Yuuri hated more than himself. Not even Victor. 

At first he despised Victor so much. Everything about him was sour. Yuuri had thought about the way Victor called his name – “Yuuri, come here!” or “Darling, dinner is ready.” At first it was bitter and then it was… depressing. Yuuri couldn’t help it when his mind ran to their wedding day. “My darling, we’ll walk… we’ll run… we’ll fly together until the universe pulls us apart and more.” Yuuri just scoffed bitterly. This hurt Yuuri so much that he didn’t even know how to think anymore. It was as if without Victor… he was useless. Yuuri remembered how Victor would ask him to bring Makkachin in from the garden. “Darling, can you call Makkachin in?” And that voice was so syrupy and soft… it was the sweetest voice Yuuri had ever heard and would ever hear. 

Yuuri just cried. He cried until his head was sharp and pulsing, and his throat was hoarse. He cried until his eyes were dry but his face was soaked. He cried until his vision was blurry and his nose was runny. Yuuri had never cried so hard in his life. Not even when they first broke up. Because here, in the dark of the night, no one can see him. Yuuri had cried over many painful things, but this was the most traumatic. Knowing that he was unloved… that he was used goods… That tore at Yuuri’s heart. It shattered and cracked Yuuri’s fragile heart. He could feel the heart strings snap that’s how much it hurt. Yuuri just wanted this to end. He wanted this nightmare to end. 

It took him two steps out. There was a flash of light, and the deafening sound of a car horn rang in Yuuri’s ear. There was a flash of the white bonnet, and then a sharp pain in his side. His vision was blurry, but his ears could just make out the sound of his body against the car, and over the car before everything turned black. 

Piercing through the black night skies red and blue flashing lights surrounded Yuuri’s limp body, laying helplessly on the tarmac of the ground. With fingers to his neck and an ear to his nose, there was a shred of hope – a beating heart and a faint breath. A neck brace was slid and fastened around Yuuri’s head and neck and swiftly, he was lifted up into the ambulance. 

Hiroko wasn’t expecting any phone calls that night, she was just waiting for her son to come home, who had just gone on a walk to clear his head. But when the phone rang and she picked up. 

“Hello?” 

“Is this Mrs. Katsuki?” Hiroko raised a brow. 

“It is. How may I help you?” 

“This is the Hasetsu Sekijuji Hospital. Your son… he’s been admitted.” Hiroko instantly dropped the phone and raced to find her dear husband. 

It didn’t take long for Yuuri’s family to gather around his hospital bed, face and body black and blue from bruises, and his forehead still sticky with blood. Yuuri looked… a state. His face was battered and bloody, swollen in some places. His mother, his father, his sister, Yuuko and Takeshi… everyone stood around his bed, heads raising as the door opened and footsteps entered the room. 

“Mr. Katsuki has been gravely injured in a car accident. He’s suffered multiple bruises and scrapes, but he also has a fractured arm, a broken wrist, and two broken ribs. He’s in critical condition, but relatively stable. For now, he’s in a medically induced coma. It’ll take about two weeks to a month for him to wake up. Moreover…” the doctor flipped the page on the clipboard. “Did you know he was pregnant?” His mother was stunned silent.

“H-he… was?” Tears started to form in her eyes. Toshiya held onto his wife by her shoulder, Mari squeezing her hand as she tried to hold back more tears. Not only was she losing her son, but her first grandchild too. Mothers were supposed to be the strongest life form on Earth, but Hiroko wasn’t so sure. Mothers were supposed to be there twenty-four seven for their children. But Hiroko has failed that. And now she was losing Yuuri.

“It’s a miracle, to be honest. The baby is alive and safe.” The doctor watched as Hiroko’s face relaxed, letting out a soft sigh in what he could presume was relief. “Currently, he’s fourteen weeks pregnant.” Hiroko instantly shuffled forwards, resting her hand on what she now noticed was Yuuri’s slightly rounded stomach. “Mr. Katsuki will have to be tube fed more often than comatose patients normally are to keep the baby healthy.” 

“T-the baby is… safe…?” Hiroko asked, genuinely shocked. The doctor nodded. “You’re s-sure?” It truly was a miracle for any baby at three months old to survive a hit like that. Hiroko could cry tears of joy. Her first grandchild was safe, and it was a real phenomenon. 

“All checked and monitored. The baby is safe. He will need to be kept once he’s born for a little while so we can monitor him, but the scans and tests are all clear.” The doctor said with a smile. “Also, please bear in mind when you talk to Mr. Katsuki, please talk to him as if he were awake, it can sometimes help patients wake up.” The doctor added. “I’ll leave you all alone for now.” The doctor bowed before leaving the room quietly. 

Her Yuuri looked so… grey and dull. His cuts were healing slowly, but the bruises on his face were still tender and purple. Hiroko couldn’t wait to have her little boy back. She just wanted this to all be over. This was any parent’s worst nightmare, and unfortunately, Hiroko seemed to be living in it. Despite the tragedy, Hiroko could do nothing but thank her lucky stars that her grandchild would be safe. She just prayed that Yuuri would be too.

Hiroko watched Yuuri for days and days, praying for him to wake up. His father and sister would drop by with clothes and something to eat, Minako and Yuuko would drop by with gifts and things to make her feel better, and the triplets would bring with them blankets and comforters for when the nights got cold. Hiroko sighed. How had this all happened?  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri had refused to tell her anything – he’d just arrived home a week ago and said he and Victor were getting a divorce, and he was not returning to St. Petersburg. Yuuri couldn’t bring himself to say much more about it. When Hiroko asked about Victor Yuuri just shook his head and hid away in his room. Yuuri refused to leave his room, to the point where he hadn’t eaten for three days straight. Mari, Hiroko, and Toshiya all had tried to coax Yuuri out of his room, but they were all met with “I’m not hungry.”. The mood in the inn had become deflated, and the tension could be cut with a knife. Everyone was quiet, and no one really dared ask about Yuuri. The amount of concern throughout the inn was obvious. It even translated to the guests. 

Yuuri had done nothing but cry for a week straight. Everyone knew, because everyone could hear. But no one mentioned it. Faint, choked sobs, sometimes screams muffled by a pillow or a blanket. Yuuri mourned and mourned for days, grieving the loss of the person who was most important to him. He must have cried until his head was pounding and his throat was dry. He must have wept until he fell asleep due to exhaustion. And Hiroko felt helpless. She couldn’t do anything to help Yuuri at all, until one day Yuuri miraculously came out of his room, still crying. 

“Yuuri. How do you feel?” Yuuri shook his head, but threw his arms around his mother. Yuuri couldn’t stop the tears as he felt the comforting warmth of his mother that he’d missed so much. It was true what they said, there was no comfort like a mother’s comfort. Hiroko sighed pitifully, her chubby arms wrapped around Yuuri’s body. “It’s okay. Everything will be okay.” Hiroko reminded Yuuri softly. Yuuri wept and wept in Hiroko’s arms, his teeth gritting to hold back screams and wails. Hiroko’s heart hurt. This was the first time she truly could not protect her son.

“You don’t have to tell me what happened.” She reassured. Yuuri squeezed her even tighter and cried even harder. No matter how hard Yuuri tried he just couldn’t keep himself from breaking down even more. The heart he left with someone special to protect forever… had been shattered. Shattered like a glass vase that hit the floor. He was just so lost. He’d never felt so lost or confused before. Yuuri felt like he’d lost his way, and he was never going to find it again. He had nowhere to call home anymore. Home had always been wherever Victor was. Home had always been by Victor’s side. 

But maybe… Hasetsu was truly where home was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:  
> Victor skates his EX  
> Yuuri finally lets his guard down, just a little bit, and things... look like they’re going to get better.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WOW! Finally, we see Victor's exhibition skate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy y'all! Welcome back!  
> Me and @psipisi really really struggled with this chapter - it took us a good couple of days, juggling between so many things we wanted for this chapter, in terms of music, feelings etc it literally took us so so long! We really were not sure what we wanted of this chapter at first, but we got there in the end!! SO WHEN VICTOR IS SKATING we cannot let you read this without clicking the link that I embedded because honestly... we spent so long choosing it that we will not let our indecisiveness go to waste LMAO  
> She's been so patient with me for this chapter, putting up with my very conflicting brain and helping me decide on so many things, telling me what would work and what wouldn't work. Honestly you guys this would be such a disordered fic and full of plot holes without her and she's played a huge role in helping me organise this fic in terms of what we want at the end of it so if you choose to leave a comment please show some appreciation for @psipisi too! 
> 
> And without further ado, please enjoy!!

Victor couldn’t tear his eyes away. This was Yuuri’s rawest, most vulnerable form – all of Yuuri’s greatest insecurities were right there in front of Victor, written on the ice for him to read. Victor swallowed as he studied Yuuri’s step sequence – it had always been his forté but today was a form of Yuuri that Victor had never seen before. The Yuuri on the ice in front of him was raw. Vulnerable, even. This was a Yuuri who was ready to spill his heart out in front of anyone who could translate his diary. This program, Victor could see, was so important to Yuuri. It was everything Yuuri needed to say and more, and Victor couldn’t help it when tears trickled down his cheeks and his heart fell heavy. Heavy with guilt. 

Victor watched as Yuuri got off the ice, refusing to look back. He watched as Yuuri bent down to his toddler, picking him up in his carrier, and his trainers in the other hand. Victor took his position at the centre of the ice, his right arm above his head and his left around his waist. His eyes focussed on Yuuri’s direction as he took a step to head back behind the curtain. Victor put his lip, praying to catch Yuuri’s attention just for two seconds. “Don’t leave yet…” 

[Soft, high keys](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=riTRKDELLQk) filled the arena and Victor gasped as Yuuri turned straight around, eyes wide with surprise. Victor let his hopeful gaze hang for just a split second before tearing his eyes away. 

The arm above Victor’s head drew down to his left hip as his left blade swept across the ice, taking Victor around, the scratch of his blade breaking through the soft piano that resonated through the atmosphere. Victor spared a glance in Yuuri’s direction, who he could see was still frozen in the same position. 

“Can you hear me, Yuuri?” Victor thought as he glided along the ice, his step sequence light and feathery as he danced. “This is for you, my sweet. I know how much you love this piece.” Violin strings joined the high notes, as deep piano keys sounded. “You used to listen to it when you had pre-competition jitters.” Victor smiled fondly at the memory, reminiscing in a very shaky Yuuri, who would calm down ever so slightly as soon as earphones were plugged in his ears. 

The feel of the harmony shifted to something higher in pitch, but deeper in meaning. Victor launched his body into a double axel, his landing wobbly as he caught his jump on the edge of the blade. Victor shouldn’t even be jumping. The impact and force of his body weight had damaged Victor’s knees so much that if they got any worse, he’d need surgery, the physiotherapist said. But he was Victor Nikiforov, and Victor Nikiforov listened to nobody. 

The music picked up, chords and string harmony joined the already-existing melody as Victor’s body moved with the music. “Do you remember Four Continents, during your first season with me? And you cried before the free skate because you were so anxious?” He pulled his body into a triple toe, his landing a little bit shaky again, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. “So I gave you this to listen to on my phone.” Victor sniffled, fighting back a tear. “And every competition I gave you my phone just for this.” Victor recalled the feel of Yuuri’s hands in his, squeezing tightly through moments of panic. “I would kiss your forehead until you calmed down, and you’d fall against my shoulder and lay there until you had to go for the warm up.” It was cute, how easily Yuuri could relax with Victor. His calmed face made Victor’s heart skip heavy beats as he would tuck hair behind Yuuri’s ear and gently caress his cheek. They were in love, back then. 

A subtle choir joined the harmony of piano chords – faint, angelic sounds could only be heard with enough attention. Victor lifted his leg behind him into a spin, holding it by the blade as his back arched in a deep curve. His spin started slow, picking up pace as the music picked up volume. His leg came back down, and on the edge of his blade came a quadruple flip. As his body weight hit his knees it pushed him out of balance. He fell, standing promptly as a sharp sensation went up his knee. Victor hissed. 

“Do you remember when we bought our own place, Yuuri? You chose it for us because the colours were perfect, and there was a big garden for our little Makkachin.” The corner of Victor’s lips turned up into a shaky, vulnerable smile. “We couldn’t decide where to put the dining room table, so we got rid of it and put a kitchen island in instead.” Victor’s smile was bitter as a tear rolled down his cheek, his cheeks stained red. “We used to eat every meal there.” Victor let out a heavy breath as he lifted one leg into a spin. “We used to come home from training. We’d cook together, eat together, walk Makkachin together.” Victor swallowed a lump in his throat as he replayed memory after memory of what seemed to be their perfect life. “We’d shower together after that. Then I’d sit down on the sofa, leaning on the arm, and you’d make yourself comfortable between my legs and demand a kiss. I’d put my phone down and say “my kisses are reserved for you,” and I’d kiss your soft lips.” Victor reminisced in the feel of plush, pink lips against his own, brushing softly as their breaths mingled for a split second. 

Victor adored their domestic moments so much. He treasured every kiss, every touch that they shared. Every time they kissed Victor’s head would fog over with this sugar sweet magic that never went away no matter how many kisses they shared. Yuuri had this electrifying effect on Victor - the way Yuuri’s body would slot together with his own, and the way deft, dainty hands would hold onto his back set off sparks in Victor’s body, warming him through to the bone.  
“When we’d wrap up the day and climb into bed you’d tuck your head under my chin and kiss my jaw. You’d wrap your arms around me, your fingers digging into my back as if you were afraid to let go.” Victor still remembered the way Yuuri’s hands held him close, the warmth of small palms against his back, and slender arms around his waist. “You’d kiss me good night and mumble “good night, Vitya,” in your adorable, sleepy voice and… I’d fall in love all over again.”

The subtle strings of a guitar joined the harmony, as the violin faded out, the music simmering down from the previously powerful feeling. Victor spread his thighs into an ina bauer, his back arched almost to the backs of his knees as his arms stretched out. He held the position for a few seconds before bringing his back back into an upright position. The scrape of his blades on the ice echoed loudly, the echo lying just under the blanket of piano melody in the arena. 

“But… something somewhere went wrong…” Now, Victor really was fighting back tears as he hit the inside of the cheeks. “We started disassociating from each other… the number of meals we shared at our island became scarce… good morning and good night kisses began to feel cold.” Victor took a deep breath as he danced, his eyes closed as he let the music flow through his body. “We started to argue. Every little thing we argued about. I could tell that you were no longer happy with me.” Victor felt the building tears fall in droplets, down his face and neck. “Our conversations were empty, we started sleeping at different times, and I’d wait for you to finally come to bed for a kiss, but you’d just crawl into bed and turn away from me.” Victor gritted his teeth, his breath as shaky as his skating. “At first I thought it was something I did, but now I know it’s what I didn’t do.” Victor swallowed. “I felt everything through our bond, but it didn’t mean I understood.” 

“I just thought I’d give you some space, and you’d come to me when you were ready. But you never came. I began to think that maybe… you couldn’t trust me enough to tell me what was going on.” Victor’s heart clenched as he remembered how isolated he began to feel. “Maybe you thought I’d be angry or I’d judge you… I’m not sure. I could feel it. I knew what you were feeling. But I couldn’t understand it and it scared me. Not understanding what was happening scared me.” Victor remembered staring at his husband as he stood in the kitchen, cutting up vegetables in silence with nothing but a sad face and an occasional fake smile. “I should have just asked. I should have just asked you to tell me what was going on inside your head.”

The low piano melody and the subtle choir returned, along with the violin strings in an emotional height in the piece. Victor pushed off into a combination jump and this time, both jumps were perfect. He tried to ignore the slight sharp feeling in his right knee, and carry on. 

“Our tempers grew short with each other. Every conversation ended up in some kind of dispute. It was like we were treading on eggshells around each other. At first I just thought you were snappy, but now I know you just wanted help. You wanted support.” Victor couldn’t help but notice Yuuri’s focussed gaze and gritted teeth as he stared at Victor on the ice, thinking he wouldn’t notice. “I started to get impatient as my head clouded over with feelings I didn’t understand at the time. Feelings I should have understood as your husband, as your support.” Tears were flowing slowly down Victor’s face, salty at the corner of his lip as his tongue peaked out to take them away. “And everything fell apart so fast I don’t even know what really happened.” 

“I tried to save it. I tried to get you to speak to someone if you weren’t going to speak to me. But you insisted that you were okay. I tried to tell you to take the season off because I could see through your lies that you weren’t okay. But with things – feelings – I didn’t understand and a husband who couldn’t tell me anything and a stressful career… I couldn’t keep a smiling face much longer.” The overwhelming heartache flooded Victor’s body as he skated, trying to keep a solid performance. “I had to face my own reality and realise that this… was starting to break me down. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I could help you, and what I could do to help you. But I realised I couldn’t do anything but watch you self destruct. And I couldn’t do that.” 

Just thinking about Yuuri made Victor cry. The love they once had for each other was so pure and so genuine… where had it gone? Along with this soundtrack and it was almost too much to handle. All Victor could picture was Yuuri’s angelic smile. The real one, the one he made when he was genuinely happy. And the one Victor would likely never see again in his direction. Yuuri was Victor’s whole world, and Victor had always said there would never be anyone he could love more than Yuuri. Yuuri deserves to be happy, even if that meant Victor would watch him marry someone who treated him well. 

“Maybe it was my fault for ending it. Maybe I should have tried harder for you. For us. Maybe I shouldn’t have given up so easily. But I didn’t want you to end up hating me. I just wanted you to be happy, and it was obvious that with me, you were anything but.” Somewhere along Victor’s performance he’d lost touch with the audience. But it didn’t matter – they weren’t who this was for. “So I chose to let you go. Maybe it was selfish of me to decide for you. But I knew you wouldn’t have left me. You would have stayed with me even if it killed you because that’s just who you are. You’re kind and caring and once your heart is set on something, you refuse to let it go, even if it destroys you, and I couldn’t let you do that.” 

“Sometimes I wonder what we’d be like if we were still married. Would we have been able to fix everything? Would we have been better? But even I know that some things just can’t be fixed. I have always loved you, Yuuri, and I always will. And after the other day when you told me to just leave… I thought maybe I was prepared to move on. Until today.” Victor jumped a butterfly jump, landing on his left leg. “At first I thought I could let you go. But you have been watching me for the past three minutes and now… I’m not so sure I can.” His body bent at the hip, his right leg straight out and hands behind his back as he spun. He stood back straight, still spinning as one arm slowly came above his head. 

There was a final build up, the pitch raising an octave in both strings and keys as the instruments began to fade away, leaving just the violin and the piano, and then a duet of two instruments became a solo of one. The music slowed, as did Victor’s scratch spin. With his right arm over his head, he finished in exactly the same way he’d started. 

Victor was exhausted. 

His head whipped around just in time to catch Yuuri, who had just changed his skates for trainers. With skates in one hand and Mika in the other, Yuuri got up off the bench and vehemently refused to look even in the direction of the ice. Victor didn’t even wait for the applause. As soon as the music came to a close he instantly raced to the edge of the ice, the most pleading eyes glued to Yuuri’s back, praying for him to wait up as Yuuri slip behind the curtain. “Wait… don’t go yet…” Victor gritted his teeth, holding his breath.

Trembling hands hastily tried to grab his skate guards, slicing across his middle and ring fingers as he clipped the guards into place. The cold breeze of the arena stung the fresh wound on Victor’s fingers, pulling a sharp gasp from Victor. He didn’t have time to care. His fingers, now trickling with blood, quivered as he squeezed the cut tight. His legs felt heavy like lead, his body limp and almost like jelly, as if he was going to fall over any moment now. The pain in his right knee had not subsided. In fact, it had only gotten worse. A violent sensation coursed up his leg and up his spine with every step he took. Victor knew that quad was a bad idea.

Victor refused to let his knee be a pain in the ass now. He sucked up the pain and hastily left behind the curtain, trying to follow Yuuri. They’d been here already, twice, in fact, with Yuuri running away and Victor desperately trying to chase him. And this time, Victor was determined to not let Yuuri slip through his fingers again. 

“Yuuri!” 

And at that moment, time just… stopped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:  
> We jump back into the past to see just how Victor was coping.
> 
> Thank you guys so much for reading! Please drop us both a comment and a kudos ;3


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little glimpse into Victor's life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy y'all and welcome back!  
> Please check out the updated tags for this chapter as it touches on some pretty sensitive topics such as self harm (through reckless behaviour) and eating disorders.  
> Once again, the BIGGEST thank you to @psipisi who, as always, is a literal godsend ✿♥‿♥✿

March 5th, 2018

Victor had spent three days lying in bed, his face buried in a pillow, Makkachin whimpering at his side. It was Mila, who kept Makkachin fed and watered, and took her on a walk. Victor couldn’t pull himself out of bed at all. He was dehydrated, head throbbing with a sharp pain that went from the front of his head right down to the top of his spinal cord and shoulder. He hadn’t showered for days, and hadn’t eaten in days either. 

Mila often brought water and food for Victor when she came back with Makkachin, but she’s return hours later to find the meal cold and untouched, and the water had only been sipped at. He pulled the pillow from what used to be Yuuri’s side of the bed, holding it close and crying whatever dry tears he could force out with his choked sobs. Two days ago any kind of feeling had instantly cut off from his bond – there was no sadness, no happiness, no anger or anything. There were no heavy sensations, no overwhelming emotions, no nothing. 

He couldn’t help but wonder what had happened. Victor tried endlessly to feel something through their bond, to know how Yuuri was doing, but there was nothing. His head was foggy with confusion and sorrow, his heart aching with every pulse. Victor was so stupid. He spent most of his nights weeping into Yuuri’s pillow, the smell of honey and lemons filling his nose as he remember the content smile that Yuuri used to look at him with. Victor had just lost the love of his life because he let three words slip out. He could never forgive himself – this would haunt him until the day he died and even beyond the grave.

Victor spent days trying to phone Yuuri, only to be met with that… adorable, soft voice when the phone went to voicemail. Victor just… replayed and replayed and replayed Yuuri’s last voicemail – 

“Hey, Vitenka. Once you’re done training, can you pick me up from the dance studio please? I went there after practice. Oh, also, I accidentally left my coat in the locker so can you grab that too? Thanks. See you later, I love you.”

“I love you.” When was the last time he’d heard those words? It must have been… weeks ago. But when was the last time he’d heard them and felt them too? Thinking back now… Even on the night of their wedding anniversary it was just quiet, with the occasional conversation over dinner and a flash of a smile. 

Victor had answered no texts, answered no calls, he didn’t even answer the door to anyone. It took him three more days to haul himself out of bed and shower, and a further two days to answer any calls or texts. But with worlds coming up, Victor had to get on the ice and get his mind off… everything. Off life. But… Victor couldn’t bare to face anyone. He couldn’t face the shameful and judgmental comments that everyone was sure to have about him. 

He was Victor Nikiforov. Victor Nikiforov never cared about what others said to him. Until now. And then when worlds would come along everyone would ask “where’s Yuuri Katsuki-Nikiforov?” and then more overwhelming guilt would flood over him. Guilt of leaving the person who needed him the most. Guilt of leaving the only person who ever loved him. Victor had done so many things he regretted, but nothing would ever compare to this. Victor couldn’t— he wouldn’t skate at worlds. He couldn’t humiliate Yuuri further.

Victor hauled himself out of bed six days after Yuuri left. He’d go downstairs and spot Makkachin sat in the same space in the kitchen where she’d sit every morning and watch Yuuri make breakfast. She’d just sit there and wag her tail, whimpering and wondering why no one was there. Often Victor would find Makkachin pawing at the leash Yuuri would use to take her on a walk, or find her sitting in the same space of their sofa that Yuuri so frequently plopped himself down on. And it was heartbreaking because— how could he ever explain to her that Yuuri was never coming back? And that it was his fault? 

The first time Victor picked up his phone was to call Lilia. He begged her to tell him how Yuuri was, but she refused to say anything more than “he’s fine, Vitya…”. Victor begged to speak to Yuuri, to just hear his voice, but Lilia vehemently refused, telling him “he never wants to see you again.”. Victor phoned multiple times a day for a week, including the day the rest of Yuuri’s belongings had disappeared, until Lilia said “he’s gone home.” And that’s when Victor’s heart— 

Shattered. 

Victor spent many nights on the floor in the corridor, Makkachin tucked into his side, staring up at the A1 sized wedding photo framed and hung on their wall. Mila had tried to convince him to take it down, but Victor just couldn’t do it. Taking that photo down would really mean it was all over.

Victor ignored every article about him and Yuuri’s absence from worlds. He hid all of them from his feed, blocked every page posting about them, and then in the end just deleted every app from his phone. He refused to watch worlds – he didn’t watch Yurio get a gold medal, he didn’t watch Chris’s worried face in place of his normal, sexual aura as he skated, he didn’t watch Phichit flub every jump out of worry. He didn’t watch as Yakov was bombarded with questions about them, he didn’t watch as JJ – for once – thought about someone other than himself, he didn’t watch Yurio scream at reporters for them to shut up. Victor couldn’t watch. How could he? 

It took Victor a lot of courage to get back on the ice – the third day of April, to be precise. It was three o’clock in the morning – almost four – but with chronic insomnia and a dying need to just forget everything, he found himself out of bed and down at the rink just thirty minutes later. Thank god Yakov had trusted him with a key. This was the first time he’d seen the ice in a month. He swallowed deeply, remembering all the times he and Yuuri had embraced on the ice, kissed each other on the ice, but also… all the times they had argued on the ice, all those times Yuuri left the ice in tears during their evening training. 

He stepped onto the ice, staring at his feet. His vision blurred, his head foggy as overlapping memories, both bitter and sweet, clouded over. Victor shook his head, trying to clear his mind as he skated to the centre of the ice. He took some time to get used to the ice, to feel the ice, to love the ice again. Victor put some music on to fill the chilling silence, skating a few laps. He jumped a few single jumps and a few double jumps. Victor had no problem with those – he went through the triple jumps. After the triples, came the quadruples. Victor looked at the clock – how was it already five o’clock in the morning? Victor still had two hours before juniors would start to file in. 

Victor Nikiforov, for the first time in six years, fell on every single quadruple jump he tried. Each jump he slipped out on his landing or fell straight on his side with a heavy slap. Victor brought himself back up, and even with a red arm, and probably a red side, he tried again, jumping a quadruple lutz and once more, he slipped out, missing the edge of his blade ever so slightly. 

Victor was frustrated. Angry with himself. He jumped again and again, no closer to landing any of them. It was now six o’clock. Victor was panting and sweating and exhausted, yet he still hadn’t landed a single quad. Victor landed again on his side, letting out what was almost a growl. He stood back up, and too a few deep breaths. It took him four more tries to land a quadruple salchow. 

Victor’s legs felt like lead. His whole body was red from the number of smacks on the ice he’d taken.  
“Fuck it.” Victor thought with the click of his tongue. He got off the ice and hastily untied his skates, removing them. He decided to give up on quads for the day – it wasn’t the first thing he’d given up on. 

As soon as Victor got in the car he just— 

Broke down.

His hands gripped the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white. He dropped his forehead with a heavy thump on top of the steering wheel and just cried his eyes out. Victor let himself scream and sob and bawl his eyes out. His nose was stuffy and his lips were dry, and his forehead was throbbing with how hard he’d hit it, but he couldn’t even bring himself to care. It wasn’t like he could feel it anyway. 

Victor didn’t even know how long he spent just sat in his car crying. Too long was the answer. He took a deep breath, his head dropping back against the headrest as he sniffled and blinked until his eyes were clear. Victor thought he would be fine after a good cry, he really did. 

Until he looked over at the passengers seat to see a stress cube. Yuuri’s stress cube. Yuuri used to squeeze it when they went on long car journeys to keep his hands and his mind occupied. Victor originally bought it for him because when Yuuri first moved to Russia his nerves tended to get the better of him whenever they would go somewhere new or meet someone new. Cold, bruised, and shaking hands picked up the pink stress cube and squeezed it.

Victor couldn’t stop more tears flowing if he wanted to because damn. He’d grovel at Yuuri’s feet for forgiveness. He’d do anything to feel the warm weight of Yuuri’s palm in his, to feel slender arms around his waist, and soft kisses to his lips. Victor was so lost. For almost thirty years Victor had always been certain of everything. He had a clear view, a clear path but that was so quickly clouded over by overwhelming grief and suddenly… Victor found himself lost. Lost in his own head. 

Composing himself, he started the lonely drive home.  
———————————————————————  
Victor went down to the rink every morning at three o’clock. He skated and jumped and span until he head was dizzy and his limbs were heavy before returning home at seven. Mila would take Makkachin for a walk, and Victor would sleep well into the afternoon before finally waking up. In fact, in the end Mila just ended up taking Makkachin to take care of her. He couldn’t eat. Food just wouldn’t go into his stomach. He’d tried, but it either wouldn’t go down, or it would come back up thirty minutes later. This continued well into April, and even early May. 

One morning Yakov had come in particularly early to see Victor jumping at six thirty in the morning, and missing every single jump. 

“Vitya!” A gruff voice bellowed across the ice. “Stop.” Victor instantly stopped. 

“What?” He mumbled. 

“Look at what you’re doing to yourself. Do you do this every morning?!” Victor just shrugged and Yakov was not only upset, but angry at him. For being so reckless. “You realise you’re going to end up in a wheelchair if you keep doing this?!” He warmed with a snarl, but again, Victor just shrugged. 

“To be honest I don’t really think I care.” He muttered, fists clenched and eyes fixated on the ice. 

“Well I do! I’m about to lose my son because he’s being stupid and reckless and slamming his body into the ice every morning and slamming four times his body weight onto his knees!” Victor bit his lip, almost tearing it open. “Give me your key, Vitya.” Victor hesitated, and Yakov held his hand out. “Victor Mikhailovich Nikiforov, hand me the key.” From Victor’s pocket, he pulled out the key to the rink. “Now go home. Get some rest.” Without protest, Victor got off the ice in silence. “Victor.” Victor’s head looked up. Yakov tugged him forwards, arms tight around him as Victor’s shaking arms squeezed him tight. “Please get some help.”  
———————————————————————  
Lilia opened the door to Victor’s house. It was an absolute state. Half empty water bottles, dirty dishes, dirty laundry were strewed all over the place. But what really worried Lilia was many untouched meals that Mila had brought him, with one or two bites taken out of them. With a sigh, she went upstairs and slammed the master bedroom door open. 

“Vitya!” She shouted, startling Victor from his six p.m nap. 

“What?” He muffled into the pillow. 

“How long have you not eaten for?” The lump under the blankets just shrugged. 

“I have eaten.” He weakly protested. 

“One bite of each meal is not eating.” Lilia sighed. “How long has this been going on for?” She asked again, but Victor just shrugged. 

“Can’t say I really care either.” He gritted his teeth, holding back tears.

“Vitya.” Lilia stepped further into the room. “Do you need to see someone?” She asked, but Victor shook his head. 

“I’ll be okay. Just… rough time I guess.” Victor mumbled into Yuuri’s pillow, inhaling that sweet scent again. “I don’t understand.” Victor whimpered, biting his lip. “He just… wasn’t happy anymore. He’d stopped smiling… he’d stopping giving me kisses… he’d stopped talking to me. I didn’t understand anything. But it was obvious I wasn’t making him happy.” Victor sniffled, his voice breaking. “Yuuri never would have told me straight he wasn’t happy because… he’d refuse to let go of something if his heart held on so hard, even if it ruins him.” Victor explained. He wished Yuuri were less stubborn. It made everything so much harder knowing that Yuuri would never have ended it, even if it was killing him. 

“I couldn’t do anything else. I didn’t want to watch him ruin himself and I thought… if he’d be happier without me then… maybe we shouldn’t be together.” Victor’s cries were muffled by the pillow as he bit into it, squeezing his eyes tightly. “When we got married I thought… “we’re going to have kids together. We’re going to watch them grow up. We’re going to watch them be successful.” and that thought kept me going for so so long, knowing— thinking that once we made it through this rough patch… once we were done with our careers… we’d start a family.” Lilia let her brow twitch and a sharp breath escape, but nothing more. 

“I guess something just aren’t meant to be and… if I’m stuck in limbo watching Yuuri eventually be happy forever then… I’ll take it…” Lilia sighed softly. 

“If you need I have a spare room.” Lilia offered, but Victor shook his head. 

“I just… need some space. I’ll be okay.”  
———————————————————————  
Every evening for the next two weeks Victor found himself on Lilia’s sofa, crying because everywhere he looked, everything he touched or smelt or heard just reminded him of Yuuri. It reminded him of how Yuuri looked, how Yuuri felt, how Yuuri smelt. The feeling of his nose against the nape of Yuuri’s neck, or the feeling of strong arms around Yuuri’s slender waist. Everything had an essence of Yuuri.

Why couldn’t Victor have been better? Why couldn’t Victor have been stronger? Why couldn’t Victor have been… the husband Yuuri needed? Questions swirled through his racing mind as he sat, knees tucked up to his chest and face buried in crossed arms as Lilia listened to him cry and scream. 

Victor Nikiforov never considered himself weak. Victor Nikiforov has never been a weak person. Until now. 

“You need to see someone, Vitya.” Lilia insisted as she watched Victor take one bite of his sandwich before putting it down. 

“‘M just not hungry…” he murmured. 

“You haven’t been hungry for weeks, Vitya. That’s the problem.” She pointed out, but Victor shook his head. “If you don’t start eating I will make you see someone about this.” She warned, standing up to bring Victor a bottle of water. “Come on, at least drink something.”  
———————————————————————  
It was nearing the end of May when Victor decided that yes, he needs serious help. Yakov contacted the national team’s psychiatrist. On Victor’s first session he was a nervous, jumpy mess and going back over the divorce, spilling every detail of what happened was just so heart wrenching that he couldn’t say it out loud. Victor completely crumbled. He spilled everything about his reckless skating, about how he hit his head on the steering wheel so hard he had a head ache for days, about starving himself. About vomiting out everything he ate, about drinking nothing but a bottle and a half of water a day, about how he couldn’t get out of bed for days. 

Everything came out – even things Yakov and Lilia hadn’t known of. About how he tortured himself by staring at their wedding photo, or by sleeping with Yuuri’s pillow. About how he had not slept for three days one time. About how he had not showered for days at a time. Victor was falling apart at the seams, his character slowly becoming torn of everything he once knew. 

Victor had been prescribed a high dosage of anti-depressants to help his newly-developed depression and hopefully help stimulate his appetite.  
“Also… I think therapy would be appropriate. Just so we can log any progress.”

After that came the dreaded conversation with the team doctor and the physiotherapist. “You’ll need surgery the next time you take a nasty fall. Arthroplasty to replace your damaged knees. For now, they will hold up.” They’d said, not that Victor really cared. “You’ll also need physiotherapy. And… I don’t think you’ll ever skate and jump like a professional again.” Now that, Victor paid attention to. 

His heart skipped a beat as his breath hitched. Victor’s own recklessness and self destruction had taken away the only thing that held him together. His very core was disintegrating and Victor didn’t know how to cope. It had only taken two months for almost thirty years of building his life and building his career for it all to be knocked down.  
———————————————————————  
Victor and Makkachin spent the next three months at Lilia’s house. He went to therapy every Thursday, took his medication, and was put on a new diet plan to improve his appetite. The first few weeks had been so difficult and overwhelming – Victor had spent the last two months grieving alone and suddenly someone was watching his every move like a hawk.

Victor sat down at the table. Lilia had made borscht – a Russian beetroot stew that Lilia had added various vegetables and some beef to. Victor took a small bite of beef, chewing it slowly as he stared down at the rich red colour. He picked up a carrot piece, biting into it and swallowing it down. Victor made it through just under a half of his portion before slowly setting his spoon down into the red liquid. 

“I’m full.” He whispered, his shaking hand releasing the spoon. 

“Have another piece of beef, Vitya. You need to eat.” Lilia sighed pitifully as she watched Victor stare at it. 

“I really can’t eat anymore I’m sorry.” Victor murmured, biting the inside of his cheek. Lilia sighed again. 

“Take a shower and get some rest.” Victor nodded and stood up from the table, his chair scraping on the floor and waking Makkachin, who perked up at the sound of her owner. Victor went off to his room, Makkachin following him. She jumped on the bed, making herself comfortable. 

“I’ll be back in a bit.” He said quietly, giving her a quick kiss before entering the en-suite bathroom. Victor got ready for a bath, running the tap until the water was scalding before filling the tub. He filled it with bath bubble solution, and stepped in, hissing at the sting of the burning water against his skin. 

The intense heat made his skin red in no time, his limbs tingling and the bruises marking his legs felt numb. Once he’d settled into the bath Victor let himself just sit there. Sit there and contemplate how his whole life turned upside down so fast. Sit there and wonder whether setting Yuuri free was what Yuuri wanted. Sit there and wonder if he’d ever see Yuuri again. 

Victor had been torturing himself and he knew it. He spent his time stalking what the internet had to say about the “power couple” and their sudden disappearance, scrutinising every article and every speculation and tearing up at every picture of him and Yuuri until Lilia took his phone off of him. She still had it. He’d lost his appetite, a long with a lot of his muscle definition and weight. His sweatpants were now too loose, his boxers now hung from his hips instead of hugging them and his tops were slightly baggy instead of skin-tight. Victor’s chest and legs were still covered in healing bruises, and his knees were sore and aching at every minute movement. Victor knew he was torturing himself. But he couldn’t stop it. It just happened. 

Victor soaked in the bath until the water was nearly cold and his skin was pruned and wrinkled. With a heavy sigh, he stepped out, drying off his body before exiting. He didn’t even bother to put clothes on – he just climbed into bed and covered his head, Makkachin tucking herself up to his side. Victor wrapped his arms around her, squeezing and cuddling her tight as he quietly cried himself to sleep.  
———————————————————————  
Victor tried to consume a whole meal, he really did. But his stomach just couldn’t hold more than half. Currently, he was sat at the table opposite Lilia, knife and fork in hand as he stared at he remaining bit of pie in front of him, contemplating another bite, as well as his life. 

Yakov had kept him off the ice until his mental state improved, in fear of Victor doing something else reckless, and in Yakov’s words, “something that would kill you,”. Victor was angry at first. He’d just lost the love of his life, he was losing his mind, and now Yakov had stripped him of everything was – skating. And then Victor thought. 

Yakov was right… especially now with less muscle and less energy, Victor really shouldn’t be on the ice. He was disgusted with himself. Victor had hurt and inconvenienced so many people – Yuuri, Mila, Yakov, and Lilia. If he’d just been a bit more supportive to Yuuri… a bit more understanding… none of this would ever have happened. 

Victor had been an awful spouse. When they argued it was always because Victor had forgotten to do his chores, or because Victor dismissed Yuuri’s feelings but instead of apologising and making it up to Yuuri, he argued back. “Look I’ve had a long day!” or “Why don’t you just calm down?”. It was no wonder Yuuri eventually resorted to bottling up his feelings. Because Victor never listened properly. 

Victor put his knife and fork down. Just thinking about losing Yuuri, thinking about what his life had become made Victor’s appetite disappear. It was too late now. Victor’s weak mind and three words that he blurted out irrationally had changed their lives forever and well… Yuuri was never coming back. 

“I’m done.” Victor murmured, and Lilia sighed softly, giving him a pitiful smile. 

“Vitya… you haven’t eaten anything today.” Lilia pointed out. 

“I know I’m sorry I just… I’m full.” 

“Can you take another bite?” Lilia asked and with a gentle sigh Victor picked up His fork again. 

“I… I can try.” He smiled wearily, stabbing at his piece of fish pie again, poking at it until he had a small bite on the prongs of his fork. Lilia smiled contently as Victor managed another two bites before putting his fork down. “I can’t eat anymore.” He mumbled, shamefully staring down at the rest of his meal. 

“It’s okay.” Lilia watched as Victor stood up, gesturing for Makkachin to follow him. “Vitya?” Victor turned back around. “Slow and steady steps.” Lilia said encouragingly as Victor flashed a gentle smile before heading up the stairs.  
———————————————————————  
It took Victor two months at Lilia’s place to get some appetite back and eat a full meal. One meal turned to one and a half, turned to two meals. Yakov let Victor back on the ice after a while, and while it felt good to be back, Victor couldn’t help but just feel… weak on the ice. Like his legs were made of jelly. Victor practically spent three weeks learning how to skate and jump doubles again before getting back into anything else. He shared Yakov’s coaching responsibilities, coaching juniors, as well as Yurio. But Victor often found himself distracted, staring at the photographs on his phone. Yakov was beginning to get angry. 

“Delete it.” He said sternly as Victor stared at a selfie of him and Yuuri, taken a year and a half ago. 

“W-what?” 

“Every time you get distracted by him I’m going to make you delete one photo.” Yakov crossed his arms, furrowing his brow as Victor stared at him, mouth agape. 

“Y-you can’t make me do that…” Victor mumbled. 

“Get off the ice.” Yakov demanded and Victor stared back at him. “You can’t be on the ice if you’re not working.” Victor clutched his phone and stared down at the ice. “If you keep clinging to photos you’re only going to destroy yourself even more.” And… Yakov had good point. It was true. Looking back at these memories was crushing tiny fragments of Victor’s heart each time. If Victor was going to move on he had to get rid of them.

“Okay.” Trembling fingers hesitantly tapped the bin icon on the bottom corner of the screen. Victor watched the photo disappear, and locked his phone before he could even see which photo was next. It was so painful, deleting the beautiful photo of Yuuri kissing his cheek, but what was the point in keeping it?  
———————————————————————  
Seven months since they had split and Victor deemed himself stable, at least. He was still on anti-depressants, but he was eating well again – not so much as before but as well as it could get. He’d moved back into his apartment and out of Lilia’s place, and he was just getting on with his life. Their divorce still looked over him like a grey cloud, but there was little he could do other than hope that Yuuri was well. Maybe even… happier. And if Yuuri was doing fine without him then Victor would be okay. 

In fact, Victor was improving. He could smile without feeling much pain, he could cook for himself and eat alone without crying, he was accompanying the junior skaters to their competitions and getting on with his life. But then December came along. And suddenly Victor felt himself crumbling again. Because at this time of the year he and Yuuri would be making anniversary plans. A weekend city break, a spa weekend, some dinner plans. And for the first time in five years… Victor would be spending their anniversary alone. His birthday alone. Every January first at midnight exactly he spent it kissing Yuuri. But this year it seemed he’d be spending that alone too. 

It was here when Victor had a sudden realisation that he was going to spend the rest of his life alone. Victor couldn’t stop the floods of tears if he wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> We're back at the Grand Prix Final exhibition.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're back at the gala exhibition and Yuuri is in two minds.   
> Mika and Victor finally meet, properly this time. And for the first time in two years, there's a slither of hope that things... just might turn up okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy y'all!  
> This chapter I actually confused myself so much it's unreal. SO A huge shoutout to @psipisi because she's kept me on track and made me much less confused with myself HAHAHA Honestly I'm so disorganised idk how I wrote for so long without her I'm not even kidding LMAO  
> Enjoy!

Stephane watched as Victor chased Yuuri. With a soft sigh, Stephane followed them out because this encounter, if the exhibition hadn’t already, would break Yuuri. He left behind the curtain and stood just at the wall behind the curtain, meters behind them to wait for Yuuri.

Yuuri’s feet stopped in their tracks. But this time, he intended to wait. He took a deep breath, in and out, in and out, as footsteps dulled by blade guards got louder and louder behind him. 

“Yuuri!” 

And that soft, reassuring voice was back again only this time… it wavered. It was vulnerable, on the verge of crumbling his resolve. Yuuri could hear just how fragile and longing that voice was. It was nothing like the firm, calming voice Yuuri loved, it was far from. Yuuri had never heard Victor like this and it pained him so much to hear just how… weak and breakable Victor seemed to be. 

Those footsteps stopped just feet behind him and there was a pregnant silence. Yuuri’s ears were ringing as he felt hot tears roll down his cheeks, threatening to hit the floor. He bit the inside of his cheek, sniffling and stifling cries that threatened to break from his throat. Yuuri turned around and Victor looked… a mess. He was fatigued, his skin much less clear than it used to be and he’d never noticed when they’d met a couple of days earlier but now Yuuri could see how much less lively and happy Victor was. 

The bond mark beneath the patch throbbed, the proximity between the alpha and omega close enough to irritate it.  
Victor’s overwhelming presence was enough to make Mika stir, and tiny grumbles and groans fell from soft, plush lips and Victor stared down at Mika, his heart swelling as he watched big, cyan eyes stare back at him. Victor was… completely in love and just staring at Mika broke him down entirely. Tears streamed down his face as he stared at the toddler, who was fiddling and chewing at the ear of his beloved elephant. Victor took a deep breath and he bent down, knees clicking as he hissed in pain. 

“C-can I… t-touch?” Victor asked quietly, his voice cracking as he gazed in awe at the toddler, his hand slowly reaching out. He looked up at Yuuri with pleading eyes, who nodded slowly. Victor drew his attention back to the baby, his eyes glittering in awe as he reached his fingers out to gently caress Mika’s cheek.

Mika babbled cutely and the way he stared back at Victor was just adorable. Victor’s heart squeezed, pounding and throbbing as more tears poured down his face. His palm cupped Mika’s chubby cheek, his thumb swiping across the soft skin. Mika gurgled as Victor gently poked his button nose and he couldn’t stop the dry heaves and sobs as he admired the child. 

“W-what’s his name?” If Yuuri thought Victor sounded fragile before… now it was glass, like he could shatter at any moment. Yuuri wanted nothing more than to hold Victor tight and scream and cry and apologise for being so… difficult. So stubborn and ignorant. 

“M-Mika…” Yuuri inhaled, taking a breath. “Mikaela V-Victorovich Katsuki… Nikiforov. B-born second of September, last year.” Yuuri’s voice had trailed off into a whimper as he struggled to keep himself together because… Victor would be the most amazing father. He sighed, biting at his bottom lip. He’d love and spoil and adore Mika more than anything or anyone. Victor would drop everything to spend every second with Mika and that’s what made everything so much more painful. Yuuri wasn’t ready - he couldn’t let Victor yet in and now moments after falling completely in love with Mika Yuuri was going to tear him away from Victor again. 

Victor was— shocked at the double barrel surname, but more so at Mika’s Russian middle name. He never thought Yuuri would have stuck to a traditional Russian middle name, especially since they were no longer married, and in fact, that Victor didn’t even know about Mika until recently. But he smiled. Because even though Yuuri hid Mika away from Victor his heart was still just as kind as it had always been. Yuuri truly was phenomenal, even now.

Yuuri couldn’t not smile, even slightly, as Mika’s tiny hands reached out to Victor, tugging at his hair and clawing at his face and the laugh that Victor let out was so angelic. Yuuri’s heart warmed through but at he same time everything was so overwhelming and sad and painful. Mika’s giggles were heavenly, like music to Yuuri’s ears and watching him with Victor made Yuuri, even just for a split second, forget about everything. 

“Hi, baby.” Victor cooed and even the way he greeted their son was so similar to the way Yuuri did. Mika gently nibbled on Victor’s forefinger and Victor giggled at the ticklish sensation of baby teeth. “You like chewing my finger, do you?” Victor cooed and Yuuri could see the sparkle of adoration in Victor’s eyes and the bright smile on his face. But their bubble of feigned happiness was temporary. It had to be. Yuuri swallowed. He couldn’t separate them now, not yet at least. 

Victor couldn’t stop smiling as he stared at the toddler, whose hands claimed and reached out to Victor, a tiny palm hitting his cheek softly, and the other hitting right on top of his head— where his hair whorl was. It stung because Yuuri used to poke his hair whorl too, but Victor chuckled. They really were mother and son. 

Yuuri watched peacefully as Victor continued to entertain Mika (or rather, entertain himself). In that moment it looked like every trouble Victor had ever had suddenly disappeared. It was like Victor was back to his old self. The self that was playful, cute, and a huge dork. Not this new being who’s sullen, sluggish, and can’t even smile anymore. Victor couldn’t even put on a smile for the camera anymore, so to see Victor so… at peace with Mika just broke Yuuri’s heart, knowing that Mika was going to be taken from Victor. 

“V-Victor.” He started, staring at the ground beneath them. “I h-have to go…” Yuuri swallowed again, his voice soft as he watched Victor’s face fall in disappointment in the corner of his eye, the wide smile on his face disappearing as he gave another longing gaze at Mika, his hand resting on Mika’s soft tummy. 

“Just a couple of minutes… please?” Victor pleaded, swallowing the lump in his throat as he glanced up at Yuuri with watery eyes as tears threatened to fall. He bit his lips, hoping that Yuuri would grant him even just a split second longer.

“Victor I… I really n-need to leave.” Yuuri said through gritted teeth, clenching his fists as he focussed on the ground. Yuuri desperately wanted to stay but that would do no good for either of them. He needed space to think. For the past two years or so Yuuri had tried his best to bury everything and move on but… some things just weren’t that easy. Now everything was coming back to him and he wasn’t ready to face it all. To stare the memories of his nightmares in the face, but most of all, to look Victor in the eye. He wasn’t prepared for that yet. 

“Please Yuuri I’m begging you just a bit longer…” And the look in Victor’s eyes as he bit his lip was the same face that Yuuri could never say no to. But today he had to. He had to force the words out of his mouth because being this close to Victor after so long with so many things unresolved was going to poison them. And Mika. Yuuri really, really needed time to think about the things he wanted to say to Victor before their next encounter.

“Victor… Leave me alone, please.” Yuuri whimpered, eyes squeezed shut and hands trembling as he was determined not to cry. And it was so cruel of Yuuri to pull Mika away from Victor and keep him away again. He knew that. But it was too soon for him to be ready to talk to Victor. The fact that Yuuri knew already how much Victor was infatuated by Mika just made this ten times more cruel, and ten times more painful. 

Victor knew fighting with Yuuri was pointless. In fact, fighting with Yuuri meant Victor would likely be kept away from Mika even more. Victor couldn’t even be mad at Yuuri for keeping Mika away from him. He wanted to be so angry about it but… he just couldn’t be. Victor had ruined Yuuri’s life – how could Yuuri share a child with… a monster like Victor? Victor understood, he really did. Which is why everything was so much more difficult.

At that moment, footsteps came up behind Victor and just from the corner of his eye he spotted smart suit pants and loafers – Stephane. Defeated, Victor sighed.

“Okay.” Victor stood up, his knees clicking as he let out a sharp hiss of pain. Victor opened his mouth to say something but he decided to just leave it. It wasn’t anything worth hearing anyway. He watched as Yuuri recovered Mika with his tiny blanket. He watched as Yuuri stepped away and this time he didn’t chase him. He’d seen Mika now. He knew his name and his birthday, and his adorable chubby face was engrained in Victor’s head. He had no reason to chase Yuuri anymore and maybe… it was time to close off this chapter he was trapped in and just… move on peacefully. 

Victor saw Stephane follow Yuuri, who was now crying as his legs and body trembled. Stephane took Mika from Yuuri’s arm and there was a heavy, heavy tug of jealousy in his heart. Because Stephane had watched Mika grow up. He’d held Mika, he’d travelled with Mika, he’d smiled and laughed with Mika. But most importantly, Mika recognised Stephane. Stephane was a familiar face. Victor would never have what Stephane had. It didn’t even make him angry, it just made him hurt in a way that he’d never been hurt before.

Victor turned back around and headed back to the ice, putting on his camera ready face to finish the exhibition.  
———————————————————————  
“I-I’m sorry… c-can you just take Mika back for now I… I need some space.” Yuuri squeaked and Stephane nodded, taking Yuuri’s bag with his skates too. 

“Of course.” Stephane nodded and Yuuri thanked him quietly. He watched Stephane leave the arena. Yuuri raced around a corner and immediately found himself somewhere quiet to just… break down because the way Victor looked at Mika and the way Victor interacted with Mika was honestly the most heartwarming and beautiful thing Yuuri had ever witnessed. And the way Victor looks at Mika, the way he spoke to Mika. Yuuri just knew Victor was completely enamoured. 

Yuuri hadn’t meant to say that. He hadn’t meant to tell Victor to leave him alone, but he was still so hurt and overwhelmed and his anxiety was sky high and he was so paranoid that it just… slipped out. 

Yuuri couldn’t help but think “wouldn’t Victor be the most amazing father?” and Yuuri already knew the answer. Victor would be the most perfect father. He’d be understanding and caring. He’d be providing and loving. He’d be… phenomenal. Victor was exactly who Mika needed and Yuuri realised that he wasn’t providing Mika with enough. He wasn’t enough for Mika. He needed two parents – it wasn’t fair on Mika or Victor what Yuuri was doing but… Mika was all Yuuri had to hold onto. He was all Yuuri had left. What if Mika came to love Victor more than Yuuri? What if Victor wanted to take Mika away? 

Yuuri just sat and cried on the floor of the corridor, knees tucked up to his chests, forehead rested on his crossed forearms. So much had happened over the past weekend and it was just so overwhelming and Yuuri… was not processing it well. He’d seen Victor— three times over the last four days and it did things to him. It set of something in his heart, it ran wild in his mind and he just couldn’t stop thinking and wondering and asking himself “what if?”. Yuuri’s heart was in two minds. He still loved Victor, that much he knew. Victor was the literal man of his dreams. People told him maybe he’d find someone new, someone else, but Yuuri had already found the one, the love of his life. He just didn’t get the happy ending he wanted. 

It took Yuuri fifteen minutes to be able to get back on his feet. Shaking legs stood up. Yuuri took a deep breath, and headed for the nearest bathroom to splash his face. God, he was a mess. After tidying himself up, he made a dash for it – the exhibition would be ending soon and if anyone saw him there would definitely be questions. He made a hasty leave back to the hotel.  
———————————————————————  
Victor made it through the rest of the exhibition acting as if nothing had happened. He skated with the other finalists just as he’d always enjoyed. But as soon as he was out of sight and back at his hotel… Victor cried. Victor cried so fucking hard. Victor sobbed into the hotel pillow, almost suffocating himself as he smashed his face into the soft, plush pillow. He never expected Yuuri to let him see Mika, but when he did Victor was just so overwhelmed because his son was gorgeous. Mika was perfect. He was everything Victor had ever wanted and more. This was the child that Victor had always envisioned having with Yuuri. When Victor looked at him and those chubby cheeks smiled, he couldn’t help but melt, his heart alight with adoration as beautiful eyes stared back at him. 

For a moment, just a short moment everything was okay. Mika was absolutely magical. The way his eyes glistened and he babbled nonchalantly. His hair was soft and fluffy and he had a nose perfectly identical to Yuuri’s little button nose. And his forehead. Victor hated his own forehead but Mika… he was simply adorable. The way Mika’s baby soft skin felt under his fingers and the way his tiny teeth nibbled at his fingers were just so precious Victor wanted to treasure those memories forever.

And when Yuuri told him to leave him alone Victor just shattered. He cracked in ways he’d never thought possible. He smashed in ways he’d never known. And Yuuri was taking Mika away again. Maybe it really was time to stop chasing. To stop being so stuck two years in the past. To stop being so… hung onto someone who didn’t want to see him. And maybe… this was where he’d have to give up on ever seeing, touching, feeling Mika ever again. If Victor wasn’t already broken before, he certainly was now.  
———————————————————————  
Knock, knock.

Stephane opened the hotel door, one hand holding Mika, who was restless and agitated. Yuuri’s face lit up, and at the sight of Yuuri, Mika babbled – “Ammy!” His arms flailed, trying to wriggle out of Stephane’s arms. Stephane chuckled. “I think he’s missed you.” Yuuri took Mika from Stephane with the brightest smile. 

“Hi, baby. Did you miss me?” He cooed, kissing Mika, who quickly calmed down, tucking himself up to Yuuri’s body. “Thank you so much, Stephane.” He sighed gratefully. “You never have to help me with Mika but you always do and… I’m just so thankful.” Yuuri sighed with a weak smile. 

“Mika’s a pleasure to take care of. I’m not just your coach, Yuuri. I’m someone you can talk to, someone who can help you, I’m your friend. So, don’t worry about it.” Stephane reassured. 

“Thank you. Good night, Stephane.” Yuuri smiled contently. 

“Good night.” Yuuri went back to his room. 

“I’m sorry, I know it’s late for you, baby.” Yuuri looked at his phone – it was currently half seven. “I’ll quickly phone room service to bring some porridge for you.” Yuuri phoned room service, and it was quick to arrive with some porridge and honey. There was a knock at Yuuri’s door, and with Mika in one arm, he opened the door. 

“Thank you.” He thanked the waiter and tipped a hefty tip. “Have a nice evening.” He greeted as he took the tray in his free arm and closed the door. “Alright, baby. Let’s get you fed.” Yuuri took Mika back to the bed and he sat down, setting Mika in his lap and putting the tray on the bedside cabinet. He stirred a bit of honey into the porridge and took a tiny teaspoon full. Bringing it to his lips, he blew gently to cool it down. Once cooled, he brought the spoon to Mika’s plush lips. 

“Did you like Vitya?” Yuuri cooed, his hand wrapped around Mika’s body to hold him up. “He’s really a great person, you know.” Yuuri just couldn’t stop feeling guilty. He’d hidden Mika away from Victor for so long and the look of pure joy on his face when he first saw Mika was just so… cute. He felt so guilty. He’d pulled Mika away before they’d even properly met and… it was just eating him inside. “He really loves you.” Yuuri continued to spoon feed Mika tiny spoonfuls of porridge as he spoke. “And… when I can finally, finally get over myself and stop running away… I hope you’ll love him too.” He scraped the last of it from the bowl for Mika and put the bowl down. 

“Let’s get you ready for bed, baby.” Yuuri wiped Mika’s face clean. He quickly bathed and changed him into a fluffy onesie before tucking him into the cot. His little blanket covered him, and a bigger, fluffier one was laid top of it. Yuuri stared in awe at Mika. 

“Good night, solnyshko. Mummy and daddy love you so, so much.” And at that… Yuuri’s heart cracked just a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:  
> We're going back to May 2018 and Yuuri has a little surprise to wake up to.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIRST OF ALL IM SO SORRY I MADE YALL WAIT AGES  
> I was writing a lot of assignments and packing to come home etc etc so it took much longer than I’d hoped. Hopefully the next chapter will be quicker!!

It took Yuuri three weeks exactly to show a flutter of life. It started with fingertips and hands twitching, and it progressed to his head jerking ever so slightly. It was five days after the first flutters that Yuuri opened his eyes. White lights momentarily blinded him while his eyes adjusted. In his ears he could make out the faint, steady beep of the heart monitor and… there was a warmth against his hand. Registering the familiar heat, his hand twitched and squeezed ever so slightly. His eyes, finally adjusted to the light, opened fully and he groaned. At the bedside was his mother and when she noticed his eyes were open she let this huge smile spread across her face, and Yuuri could never forget that face. Hiroko never smashed the emergency button so fast. 

Yuuri’s mind was foggy, blurred noises and faint voices echoing around him as he tried to make sense of what was around him. Finally, he was fully conscious. He grumbled, head throbbing a little as he brought himself back down to his senses. He turned his head to the left, his skin grey and dry, eye bags heavy and hair disheveled. Hiroko had the most relieved, happy smile on her face. 

“… Mom…?” Yuuri’s voice was hoarse, cracking as he tried to force words out. 

“Yuuri!” Yuuri tried to sit up, only to find— his stomach feeling weighted, heavier. Hiroko instantly phoned her husband and daughter, frantic down the phone with joy.

“Mr. Katsuki, you’re awake now.” The doctor sighed with a content smile. “Before I go into the details of your condition do you remember why you’re here?” The question stumped Yuuri – why was he here? He thought long and hard, going back and back. Yuuri was in St Petersburg, training. Victor was his— wait… Victor. His heart instantly fell heavy. Tears lined his waterline as he tried desperately to bottle everything up. Memories came flooding back to him about how he and Victor were constantly bickering, constantly arguing and treading on eggshells around each other. But he also remembered how much they loved each other, how much they truly cared about each other. Whatever happened to that love was a mystery clouded over with grief but one thing clear in his memory was… four words. 

Yuuri let tears flood down his cheeks and he just— sobbed. Hiroko scrambled for tissues to dab his eyes dry. 

“Shh, shh.” She wrapped her arms around his shoulders as he just cried and cried and cried and remembered just how painful four words felt. Whoever would have guessed that the reigning power couple were crumbling inside. The walls of Yuuri’s perfect life fell down and the floor beneath his feet crumbled. His perfect life became colourless, everything fading to black and grey. What happened to their love? It was full of hurt feelings and pain and sadness and longing but… Yuuri… still loved him. And it hurt because he had to let go of Victor. Why hold onto someone who’s already let go? Yuuri tried to tell himself, convince himself that Victor was gone and he was never coming back. That it was meaningless to keep hanging on to tiny shreds of hope, but Yuuri’s heart wasn’t having any of it. He’d hang on to that shred of hope until his hand was scarred and cut and burned before he let go. But he knew Victor wasn’t going to take the other end of the rope ever again. 

Yuuri’s invasive thoughts were interrupted by the voice of the doctor. 

“Mr Katsuki…” Yuuri looked up, sniffling and biting his lip to stifle tears. “You’re pregnant.” And Yuuri— what? What? Oh. Oh… Victor’s birthday… he swallowed. It looked like he’d never be able to shake Victor’s presence after all… he swallowed, just trying to process the information. He was… pregnant. A baby, Victor’s baby, was growing inside him. Part of him was heart broken that Victor wouldn’t be there. Victor probably wanted nothing to do with their baby. Yuuri bit his lip. Victor hated him. There was no way Victor could love someone who was a part of Yuuri now. But the other part of him was over the moon. Yuuri was so happy… he’d found a reason to keep fighting. To keep going. This baby was all he had left to hold on to. 

“About five months along – the baby should be due in mid September, so... congratulations.” The doctor smiled fondly but Yuuri was so shocked. 

Hold on… five months along that meant… oh. Oh, no. Yuuri’s breath hitched, his heart tearing in two once more as guilt flooded his system and tears flooded his face. He’d tried to kill this baby. Yuuri stepped out in front of a car and almost killed this baby, and himself. His heart just stopped and it felt like a heavy weight fell straight on top of him. Guilty… Guilty… Guilty… 

“We’ll have to run some tests once the baby is born – we want to make sure they’re alright, monitor them before your baby comes home with you.” Yuuri wasn’t listening. He tried to kill his baby. He could have killed his baby. He almost killed his baby. By being stupid and ignorant. By being naïve. His selfishness cost him his marriage and… almost his baby and if Yuuri wasn’t already broken before he was certainly crushed now. Yuuri’s hands instantly shot down to his little bump, hands cupping softly as he ran his palm up and down the tiny mound. 

Yuuri couldn’t listen to anything being said to him. He was just so guilt ridden. Yuuri felt awful and he knew that he just had to give this baby his entire being. He couldn’t stop crying. His thumb stroked up and down the side of the taut skin of his tummy, feeling the little bump that was his little pumpkin. His baby. Yuuri was in love already. 

“If you’d like, we can do an ultrasound now and tell you the gender. Or you can rest and we’ll come back another day.” Yuuri was just staring down at his bump, his lip between his teeth as his hand ran mindlessly up and down his stomach. 

“I-I want to know… now…” Yuuri’s voice was quiet and hoarse and scratchy after a month of not being used. He looked up with hopeful eyes as the doctor nodded. 

“I’ll bring in the nurse.” At that moment, Toshiya, Mari, Yuuko, Takeshi and the kids, and Minako all arrived with flowers and food and gifts. Yuuri’s face lit up, smiling through tears as his family and friends gathered around him, placing gifts on his bedside table. The chatter of the triplets was exciting as they stood at his bedside, being their usual energetic selves as they wished Yuuri well. 

“You’re awake.” Yuuko sighed contently, going to Yuuri’s side to hug him. His father was next, happy tears flowing from his eyes as he looked at Yuuri, and soon enough, his whole family was at his bedside, arms around their precious Yuuri. It was warm and Yuuri felt genuinely loved. He felt missed and needed. He felt loved and Yuuri just cried all over again. His little pumpkin was going to grow up absolutely adored, he knew already. 

“We missed you so much…” Yuuri sobbed, his voice still frail. “We were so lonely…” Yuuri couldn’t remember anything that went on in his head while he was unconscious. All he knew was that it was dark and lonely. There was no light, and no one there and it was terrifying. It was just him, alone in this dark realm holding the hand of… a child. That made sense now he was awake. 

They were in the middle of a teary reunion when the nurse came in with a monitor and a trolley of things. Yuuri’s bubble of safety soon broke away. 

“We are just going to have to ask you all to leave the room, just for a few minutes.” Yuuri watched as Hiroko stood up and they filed out of the room, watching through the glass as Yuuri laid back down on the bed. “How are you feeling, Mr Katsuki?” The nurse asked, lifting Yuuri’s hospital gown and squeezing a decent amount of gel on Yuuri’s stomach. Yuuri hissed at the cold. 

“Rough. Confused? Mmh…” Yuuri didn’t really know how to process anything. It just felt weird, being… alive. He never thought he’d make it this far. When he first left Russia he never really thought he’d see life two months ahead of him – he didn’t plan this far ahead and it just felt strange to him. But now he had a baby on the way. This baby was his new found reason to live and Yuuri was going to give them his entire being. He flinched as the probe hit the cold gel on his stomach, and the nurse turned the monitor screen to face him. 

“Here’s your baby.” She pointed at a grainy black and white blob on the screen, in the rough shape of a baby and Yuuri melted inside. But at the same time… Yuuri felt horrible. He could have killed them. His little pumpkin could have died. Yuuri wondered… if Victor still loved him, would he love their little pumpkin too? Would Victor be completely infatuated and over the moon too? Yuuri could imagine Victor draped over his stomach, kissing and cooing and smiling all over. But things have changed, and Yuuri just couldn’t imagine Victor being so adoring of their child under these circumstances. “Congratulations, you’re having a little boy.” 

Yuuri’s heart skipped a beat. He bit his bottom lip, tears overflowing as his hands covered his face. Hiroko through the window, smiled, and came back into the room. She helped Yuuri sit up, gently tugging him against her shoulder. Yuuri continued to cry and cry, his throat already dry and his head beginning to hurt. He had so many emotions and so many feelings to process that he couldn’t handle it and Yuuri just broke down all over again. 

“A boy.” Yuuri squeaked, pulling his head off of Hiroko’s shoulder with a teary smile. 

“A boy?” Hiroko said with a smile as Yuuri nodded, wiping his tears. One hand came to cup his stomach, running up and down tenderly as he massaged the taut skin. 

“Now when the time does come, we recommend your baby to be delivered by C-section.” The nurse said. “Natural birth in male omegas is risky and difficult, and to be honest, the survival rate is not high.” Yuuri panicked. Yuuri freaked out at that. His head fell against Hiroko amidst his mini panic. Would little pumpkin’s birth be the second time Yuuri tried to kill him? Tears started to form in his eyes as horrifying images flashed up in his head. “Remember that is just natural birth. C-section is relatively risk free and a safe procedure which is why we recommend it.” Yuuri tried to bring his heart rate back down, taking deep breaths to clear his head as he clutched onto Hiroko’s shoulders. 

“Shh, don’t be scared, Yuuri.” Hiroko cooed as Yuuri cried into her shoulder, one hand holding his little pumpkin protectively. “Everything will be okay.” Yuuri sobbed and sobbed, his eyes squeezing shut as his heart continued to race. It took Yuuri a few minutes to fully calm himself down and by this point he felt slightly dizzy. Once Yuuri had laid back down on the bed, Hiroko opened the door, allowing their family and friends back in. 

“So?” Yuuko asked in anticipation, her three girls staring at Yuuri, who was laid down as they stood by the bed.

“A little boy.” He mumbled with a weak smile, his head still a bit numb-feeling and his throat still a little dry. “U-umm… Lilia…” he started, intending to ask about her. 

“She knows. She’ll be coming to visit you soon.” Minako said, and Yuuri nodded with a content smile as he absentmindedly stroked at his stomach. “Have you thought about any names or got ideas yet?” Yuuri shook his head. 

“Not yet. He’s just… pumpkin for now.” Yuuri chuckled quietly as his voice began to come back stronger. “I’ll think about that when he’s born.” It wasn’t much longer until the doctor returned to the room with a clipboard. 

“Mr Katsuki, how do you feel?” He asked, turning a page on his clipboard. 

“Rough? Stiff? Umm…” 

“Yeah, you will feel stiff for quite a while. You’ve been unconscious for about a month so… we’ll have to put you down for physical therapy. It won’t take long because you weren’t out for long, just long enough for your body to remember how to walk. It’ll flood back fairly fast.” The doctor reassured and Yuuri nodded. “I reckon it’ll take just four or five sessions and you’ll be back on your feet quite quickly. As for your baby, you’ll have to come back for a routine checkup, standard process.” Yuuri sighed in relief. “You should be on your way to a swift recovery.” 

Hiroko and Toshiya instantly wrapped their arms around their son, kissing his temple. And for the first time in months Yuuri could see some kind of light at the end of the tunnel.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri was back on his feet and discharged from hospital two weeks later. Now five and a half months pregnant, little pumpkin was beginning to show more. Lilia came to visit and congratulate him on his child that week. 

“Madame.” Yuuri greeted her at the door of the inn with a big smile, one hand rested on his stomach. He was covered in a pink oversized jumper and a pair of loose leggings and leg warmers, the leggings not quite fitting perfectly over his bump. 

“Yuuri. You’re awake.” She smiled contently, stepping into the inn to give Yuuri a hug. “The baby. I heard it’s a little boy.” Yuuri nodded. 

“No name yet though.” Yuuri bit his lip as his brow furrowed. 

“Well, there’s time to think about it.” She sighed softly. “What happens after? Do you intend to return to skating?” Lilia asked and Yuuri bit his lip again, shaking his head. 

“There’s no point.” He sat down on the floor in the front room by a table, Lilia kneeling next to him. “I have… no reason to skate anymore. Nothing to skate for now. I think… it’s time for me to just give up.” He stared down at the table in front of him, fists clenched on top of his thighs as he tried hard not to cry. In reality, he missed skating so much. He missed it more than anything but… he had nothing left for him there. That life of his was over and he had to leave it behind. 

“Absolutely nothing?” Lilia questioned, and Yuuri shook his head. “Skating is a part of you. You’re ready to give that up?” 

“I… I c-can’t do it… without Victor…” Yuuri’s eyes started to water, his nose red as he sniffled. “H-how can I skate knowing I don’t have his heart anymore?” Yuuri’s hand often found itself rested on his belly, holding it gently. “Plus I have little pumpkin in the way and so much has changed and I just don’t think I’m ready.” Yuuri sighed heavily, tears welling in his waterline. “I guess I have to put skating behind me and… move on. Life goes on, I guess. And… well, I’ll just never see Vitya again.” That hurt so much and Yuuri wanted so badly to hate him. But who could hate Victor Nikiforov? 

“You can. You can do anything without Vitya.” Lilia said sternly. “You can achieve your goals and fulfil your dreams without him. Of course it’ll be difficult, but you of all people can do it.” Lilia assured him with a smile. 

“But how can you be so sure?” Yuuri asked, his voice shaky. 

“Because you’re Yuuri Katsuki. Three time Grand Prix champion, Two time World champion, and Four Continents champion. And… my best dancer.” Lilia wore a proud smile. “So if you aren’t going to skate again, I expect you to dance again.” 

“But all that… I had that with Victor.” Yuuri bit his lip, his voice weak and trembling as he absentmindedly stroked at his pregnant belly. 

“Maybe so, but you could easily do it again. And I think… you think you have something to prove to the world.” Yuuri’s breath hitched. Lilia was right. He did have something to prove to the world, but it didn’t mean he was confident that he could do it. Yuuri’s head was all over the place and so was his heart. He was so muddled and overwhelmed by everything that his self confidence just plummeted. 

“I… I want to prove my worth but… am I really worth… anything?” Yuuri chewed his lip so hard he thought if he bit it anymore there’d be a hole in it. “I have nothing now. I lost my husband, my house, my career… all I have left is my little pumpkin.” Yuuri smiled fondly at his unborn child before another frown quickly covered his face. 

“Maybe so, but don’t you think he could spark some inspiration?” Lilia asked. “I think it would do you good to keep dancing and skating. To show the world you don’t need Vitya to be successful.” Lilia squeezed his shoulder. “Have a think about it. I don’t want you to lose everything because of this.” Lilia pulled Yuuri into her side, giving him a hug. 

“Thank you…” Yuuri squeaked. “And Madame…” he looked up at her with pleading eyes. “Please don’t… don’t tell Victor about little pumpkin…” Yuuri’s voice was quiet, but Lilia could hear the desperation in his words as he looked up at her with tears eyes. “Alright, if you insist.” She sighed. “Have you… thought about going to see a therapist?” Lilia asked, and Yuuri just looked down at the floor beneath his knees. 

“I… I’m too scared…” Yuuri admitted in shame, tugging his bottom lip in shame. “I’m not ready to share anything with anyone and that includes a therapist.” Yuuri sighed, his brow knitted with worry. 

“I think you should consider seeing someone, Yuuri. It’s not healthy for you to bottle everything up.” Lilia advised, watching as the thought made Yuuri more uncomfortable. 

“I know… I’ll… I’ll try.” Lilia smiled. 

“Vitya asks about you a lot.” Lilia said. “He asks if you’re okay, and if you’re healthy, and I tell him yes.” Lilia explained, and Yuuri’s heart fluttered ever so slightly before falling heavy. “Would you like to know how Vitya is too?” And Yuuri’s breath hitched. He’d love to know. He’d love to know he’s alright and that he’s well, but… that would just hurt Yuuri more. Yuuri shook his head. 

“N-no… I don’t want to think about Victor being… happy without me…” The very thought of Victor finding happiness without him squeezed his heart and destroyed a piece of it. Yuuri truly was unloveable. Worthless. All he ever did was make everyone around him hate him. All he ever did was make Victor hate him. All he ever knew how to do was ruin other people’s lives. Previous partners, his husb— ex-husband, and his baby. 

They had a long talk about going to see a therapist, getting back into what he loved doing, improving his health, before Lilia retired to her motel room just a street or two away. Yuuri felt a little better after talking to her but to him, everything around him was still dark and lifeless. 

Yuuri had trouble sleeping that night, thought it wasn’t as if that was new to him. His thoughts were plagued with Victor, or more specifically, Victor smiling and laughing with someone that was not Yuuri. Nothing hurt like being tossed aside.  
———————————————————————  
It took him a couple of weeks but Yuuri plucked up the courage to see a therapist. Yuuko accompanied him when she didn’t have to work, and Mari accompanied him the rest of the time. 

“We’d been pretty volatile since September. We were stressed… our marriage and our training and competing against each other and…” Yuuri released a heavy sigh. “It had… been brewing. The last few months… Maybe… four months… I— I just… didn’t feel right. Something was wrong with me. I… I was snappy and angry and arrogant and… I suppose Victor had just had enough of me.” Yuuri bit his lip, his brow furrowed as his hands squeezed the edge of the armchair. “He… he cared so much but I… I took him for granted and now he’ll never care about me again.” Yuuri sobbed. Talking about Victor shattered the already cracked fragments of his glass heart into tiny shards. 

“For so long he… he tried to get me to see someone and to take the season off but I was too stubborn to listen and for months he tried so hard and he’d put up with me for so long but I’d been so naïve and so unbearable and so uncaring that he just… gave up on me. He’d fought too hard and… he couldn’t take it anymore.” Yuuri whimpered, tears falling down his eyes as his heartstrings tugged as he cried. “I can’t blame him… who would ever want to love someone like me anyway?” Yuuri’s voice was so vulnerable and weak. His fingers thrummed at his now-six month pregnant belly. Yuuri didn’t have anything else to say. He just couldn’t stop thinking about how awful he had been to Victor, how terrible his attitude had been to him when all this time Victor had been nothing but caring of him. 

Yuuri felt horrible. Yuuri was horrible. 

The sessions went on the same. Yuuri came in with his thoughts and the therapist listened. She took notes, gave advice, challenged his thoughts. But Yuuri just couldn’t find her advice helpful at all. Even so, he continued to go because just having someone to listen to him was enough support for him.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri’s pregnancy was emotional and difficult and nothing could ever have prepared him for the kind of emotional distress he went through. He went to sleep many nights crying for Victor. He woke up many nights sobbing for Victor, one hand protectively holding his belly, hoping to god that this was all a nightmare and he’d wake up in St. Petersburg, next to Victor with their little boy jammed between them.

His little boy wiggled and kicked against his hand, his little foot hitting against Yuuri’s palm as Yuuri cried. The feeling was so heartwarming – the feel of his foot against the inside of his body, pushing onto his hand was such a magical, yet anguish moment. It was one he’d never be able to share with Victor. But Victor probably wouldn’t care anymore anyway, not after all the pain Yuuri had caused him. 

Staying up and calming his unborn baby to sleep was one of the most bittersweet moments. He could only imagine Victor, kissing his tummy and smiling and cooing to their baby. His hands roaming and feeling their little boy kick and singing lullabies to lull him to sleep, but Yuuri knew that perfect life with Victor, those dreams he’d had with Victor were over and never coming back. 

Yuuri couldn’t even count how many times he laid awake at night, trying to calm his unborn baby to sleep, crying for Victor, wishing he were here for this. He got frustrated at everything – no one was there to soothe his aching muscles and massage his swollen ankles. No one was there to help him with his shoes, or help him with his coat. No one was there to help him walk to the toilet when his back was too painful. Of course he had his family but… that wasn’t the kind of affection Yuuri wanted. The kind of affection Yuuri wanted had abandoned him. Tossed him aside. 

Yuuri cried himself to sleep every night of his pregnancy. And every night he cried for the same person – Victor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:  
> Yuuri prépares to leave for Switzerland.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri and Mika are gathering up their lives to move to Switzerland.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy y’all! Sorry for the delay with these chapters recently, it’s a mixture of being busy and tired, drowned in work etc etc! But here we are with a new chapter!!

Yuuri felt so… heavy when leaving Vancouver. He stared at his medal as it sat tossed in his suitcase, shining and glimmering yet he couldn’t see any meaning in it. This gold medal was supposed to make him feel proud. Make him feel like he’d achieved something for once. And while he was stood on the podium he felt just that – prideful and achieved, but now alone, he wasn’t sure what this medal meant at all. Yuuri stared longingly at it. All this time he thought winning this medal would make him happy, and that he’d finally feel worthy of something but now that it was in his hands it just felt heavy. Yuuri realised that something that was simply a piece of metal couldn’t make him truly happy. The happiness he felt on the podium was superficial. 

Though, how he felt on the ice was genuine. At first he hated it. When he first started skating after physiotherapy again he despised how the ice felt under his feet and he despised how the memories of him and Victor overwhelmed him. But when he was competing it was one of the best feelings ever, second to anything to do with Mika. He felt powerful and strong for once, and he really did feel content. However now that he was off the ice, he just wasn’t sure he felt the same as he did when he was on the ice.

Yuuri sighed and packed up the rest of his luggage, his suitcase stood by the door and Mika’s baby bag next to Mika in his carrier. He swung the bag over his shoulder, then picked Mika up.   
“Come on, baby. Let’s go.” Yuuri cooed as he held the door with his foot and juggled his suitcase, bag, and Mika all out of the hotel room. “When we get back home we have to pack our things. Stephane managed to get those documents for us earlier than expected.” Yuuri chuckled contently as he stepped into the elevator. They went down in silence, Mika occasionally babbling. As soon as Yuuri stepped out of the elevator, in the lobby, a pair of teal eyes locked straight onto his. He stared. He wanted to hold his gaze for as long as possible but it was no sooner than a split second that those turquoise eyes tore coldly away from him and… it felt like a stab in the gut. His face fell, his brow knitting in the middle as he stared at the floor and just made his way to Stephane.   
———————————————————————  
Victor was just staring into space, when a pair of hazel eyes locked straight at his from across the lobby. He gasped – Victor knew that look in Yuuri’s eyes, the look of longing and desire staring straight at him. And Victor desperately hoped that that face was aimed at him. That he was what Yuuri wanted. But Yuuri made it clear that he wanted to be left alone and even Victor knew when enough was enough. Being pushed away three times in four days was a definite indication to him. While Victor could understand that the hurt he’d caused Yuuri was the reason Yuuri was so callous, Victor also understood that he was worth more than to be treated so harshly. Victor only had Yuuri’s health and happiness in his best interest. So if Yuuri never wanted to encounter Victor again, then he could have his way. Before he could think too hard, Victor tore his gaze away.

He’d seen his son, he’d met him and touched him. Victor would always remember the touch of Mika’s tiny hands patting his head, how soft his cheeks were. He’d never forget how bright Mika’s eyes were when he smiled, or how adorable and innocent his face was. The way he cooed, the way he nibbled at Victor’s fingertip. He’d remember those short, precious moments forever. Victor would remember every detail of Mika’s face, of Mika’s hands. He’d lock them away and keep them until the end of time, but now it was time for him to leave everything behind. 

He took his luggage, murmuring something about leaving first to get an earlier flight, and he hurried out of the hotel and into the next available taxi. Victor silently cried in the back of the taxi because while his mind told him this was all over, his heart told him otherwise. His heart still belonged to Yuuri, even after all this time. His heart would always belong to Yuuri. It didn’t matter how it was ignored or pushed away or cracked, his heart was always Yuuri’s. Having his heart and mind in two places was excruciatingly difficult. All Victor wanted was to be content, and most importantly, for Yuuri to be happy, even if it came at the cost of his own happiness. He dried his eyes and thanked the taxi driver as he stepped out of the taxi.

Victor honestly, truly thought they would be better apart. That they would be healthier, more stable, happier apart than they would trying to save a failing and broken marriage. He held on because Yuuri meant so much to him. Yuuri was his entire world. Victor treated him like the universe revolved around him but regardless of how much Victor loves Yuuri, their marriage would mean nothing if they couldn’t communicate and listen to one another. If they continued to argue and fight and become frustrated at each other, was it really a marriage anymore? Letting go of Yuuri was so much more difficult than he’d ever anticipated. How do you suddenly cope when your pillar is gone and you’re crumbling apart? Victor couldn’t speak for Yuuri but he was definitely not happier, nor healthier without Yuuri. He thought maybe seeing him again at the final would bring him closure but instead it only made him long for Yuuri’s presence. A feeling that Yuuri had made clear was not mutual.   
———————————————————————  
The flight home could not have dragged on any longer. Yuuri was stuck in a confined space with a child and, invasive thoughts. 

He couldn’t help but think back to Mika’s interactions with Victor. The way he instantly swooned Victor, babbling and cooing and smiling, the way Mika’s tiny hands instantly grabbed out and reached for Victor, the way he nibbled on Victor’s finger. While these moments were nothing but innocent Yuuri just couldn’t shake a feeling of jealousy. It was like Mika wanted Victor. It felt like Yuuri was someone Mika loved because needed him, yet Victor was someone he just wanted. Yuuri could immediately see just how well Mika responded to Victor, all whilst remembering what a hard time he had bonding with Mika at first. 

Yuuri’s self doubt was flooding in like water through a broken dam and he began to question everything. Maybe keeping Mika away from Victor was counter-productive. It would come back to haunt him in the future. Mika would grow up wondering why he only had one parent. He’d grow up wondering why only one parent loved him. And he’d hate Yuuri for keeping Victor away. And when they finally meet again he’d love his daddy more than his mummy and once again Yuuri would be left behind and tossed aside once he was no longer needed or wanted. The only person Yuuri had left to hold on to would be gone and once again, he’d be abandoned. 

Was Yuuri even a good parent? Did Mika even have what he needed and deserved? How does one even be a good parent? Yuuri had to pay more attention to Mika, and show him even more love. Maybe Victor would be the better parent… more capable, more stable, and more affectionate. Yuuri was never the one who was better with kids. Victor was always better at that, like he was at everything. Children naturally gravitated towards Victor – back home in Hasetsu, as well as at the rink in St. Petersburg, and the dance studio with Lilia. Victor was always the friendlier face, the one children went to first. And perhaps it was a sign to Yuuri too. 

He felt incredibly insecure. He could already picture handing Mika over to Victor, who would inevitably win any kind of child dispute case as the more suitable parent, and the very thought brought tears to his eyes. With a heavy sigh Yuuri stood up and picked Mika up from the cot hung on the class dividers, holding him against his shoulder. Mika stirred, his tiny fists gripping Yuuri’s jacket as his face nuzzled closer to his mother’s neck. With a gentle smile Yuuri took Mika’s wrist with his free hand and touched the inside of his wrist, scenting the sleeping child. 

Yuuri sat back in his seat, Mika in his lap, and gazed lovingly at the toddler. It almost scared him how much of an uncanny similarity he had to Victor. They had the same eyes, the same face shape, they even smiled the same. And maybe Yuuri was just imagining things but even Mika’s mannerisms were like Victor’s. But Yuuri could see very few things that he had in common with Mika – only his hair and nose. Yuuri couldn’t help but feel envious not only did Mika look and act more like Victor, Mika also had another parent to split his love with. Yuuri knew he shouldn’t see Victor as a competition for Mika’s affection but he just couldn’t help it. Victor was a great man. He was ten times the person Yuuri was – he was perfect in every way. Who wouldn’t love Victor more anyway? 

Mika shoved his face into Yuuri’s neck, pulling a laugh from him as Mika continued to rest. He nuzzled up close to his mother, tiny hands fisting his top as he held on tightly. And it was that image of Mika so relaxed in his arms, yet so desperate for contact that sort of… reassured Yuuri. Reassured him that Mika still needed him.   
———————————————————————  
When they arrived back home there was no time to relax as Yuuri prepared to leave Japan. His first task was to have a new implant put in for the bond mark on his neck, as well as stock up on patches for it for competitions. Then, he had to pack up only the essentials – clothes and shoes, skates, training gear, and of course, Mika’s baby things. 

Yuuri nervously bounced his leg up and down as he waited at the doctors’ office to be seen. Mika had been left with Stephane for a little while, so Yuuri could get a new implant in his arm. Thoughts of Victor, Victor, Victor ran through his head. He wanted to just stop thinking about him all together – they were divorced and Victor hated him anyway. Yuuri couldn’t help it when every time he saw Victor he just wanted a hug. But not the ones Victor gave him out of pity, or the ones that were empty towards the end of their marriage. Yuuri wanted a genuine hug. The ones where Victor would just embrace him from behind out of nowhere while he was cooking, or the ones he gave “just because I love you,”. 

“Mr. Katsuki?” Yuuri was pulled back to reality and he stood up. 

“Yes.” He followed the doctor into the room and closed the door behind him before taking a seat. 

“So what we’re going to do is open a small hole in your arm, one implant comes out and the other goes in. Should be quick.” She said, snapping on a pair of latex gloves. 

Yuuri’s arm just felt numb for the whole ten minutes, feeling a slight pin prick and a weird sensation as one implant came out and another went in. He let out a sigh of relief when the the wound was disinfected and the blood was wiped, a plaster was placed over the top. 

“That’s it. You shouldn’t feel anything from the bond mark, but it will feel a bit strange for a little while.” Yuuri rolled his shirt sleeve back down and put his jacket on, moving his arm a little to get some feeling back into his arm. 

“Thank you.” Yuuri smiled as he opened the door. Thank god, the next time he saw Victor he’d feel nothing. He let out a sigh of relief as he left. “Have a nice day.” 

With the most gruelling task to do before he left now over and complete, Yuuri could pick Mika up from Stephane’s place and start packing up bits of his life for the rest of this season and next season. 

The thought of moving away to train again made him think back to when he moved to Russia to be with and train with Victor and those memories he’d locked away came flooding back. Yuuri looked back at how happy he once was and how he’d give so much to be that happy again with him. But that was never going to happen. Yuuri could never be that happy with someone again, especially not someone who hated him. 

As soon as they arrived home Stephane came by with Mika, who Yuuri thanked with a fond smile. He immediately went to his room, Mika in hand, to figure out what was coming to Switzerland with him. He started off with Mika’s things – tiny baby grows, coats, hats, tiny mittens, scarves… anything thick for the cold weather, and also some thinner clothes for the summer time. Yuuri packed up blankets for him, his favourite toys, as well as a few baby books and other essential items. Then he packed up his own casual clothes, training wear, coats, and things for the winter months. 

It took Yuuri hours and hours to even get part way through packing. He had to shove all these essentials into two suitcases and nothing more. So he had to pick and choose carefully. One of those suitcases quickly began to fill up full of Mika’s things, and soon over spilled into the second suitcase. It was pretty clear to Yuuri that in order to fit everything in for Mika he was going to take out some of his own stuff, and with that in mind, he removed one of his thick winter coats and some jumpers, which were quickly replaced with Mika’s blankets, sleep wear, and other miscellaneous things. 

When Yuuri had finished packing three days later, he could relax. Spend some quality time with his family and let Mika spend time with their family before they had to leave. During that time Yuuri thought about Mika. For a while he’d considered moving Mika’s diet from breast milk to formula milk. It was something he’d debated for a while, but Mika was pretty comfortable with his current dietary regime. The other thing on Yuuri’s mind was whether Mika would cope well with the climate. 

When Mika was first born they’d spent a relatively prolonged amount of time in Switzerland and Mika was not fond of the weather. While he loved watching the snow, he was certainly not fond of a runny nose and constant sneezing and a cold face. Yuuri just hoped that this time round, Mika would be less vulnerable to the cold than he was before. 

Yuuri was laying on the floor of the front room on his side, head propped up on his elbow and Mika sat next to him. He played nonchalantly, entertaining himself with a six piece jigsaw puzzle. Yuuri watched, completely enamoured by his tiny yet chubby hands, and his adorably squishy cheeks. Yuuri reached his free hand out to cup Mika’s soft cheek, swiping his thumb over his cheek with a fond smile.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri and Mika managed to spend the last week with their family before it was time for them to leave for Switzerland. 

“Take care, won’t you?” Hiroko tugged Yuuri on for a warm hug. “And let us know how you are.” 

“We will. Don’t worry about us.” Yuuri reassured as he pushed his suitcases out of the door with his knee for Stephane to load into the taxi. 

“Don’t forget to wrap up warm.” Toshiya reminded as he adjusted Mika’s tiny hat. 

“Yes dad.” Yuuri smiled, hugging him too. “I’ll let you know when we arrive.” And with final hugs and kisses for Mika, Yuuri and Mika were off on their way. Yuuri strapped Mika into the taxi after loading the last of their luggage, and set off for the airport. 

“I freed up the ten o’clock slot at the rink because I know you wake up late and also don’t want to train too late either. So ten till one every Monday to Saturday, and Sunday off. We’ll have to work around other skaters too.” Yuuri nodded – it’d be difficult to adjust to sharing the ice with other people. Training around others wasn’t something he was used to, since Victor always made sure the ice was free entirely for him. 

“Yeah, okay. That’s fine.” They arrived at the airport and Stephane piled their suitcases onto a trolley. 

“This is it.” Yuuri whispered to Mika, who was fast asleep. Yuuri chuckled as Mika stirred in his sleep, looking up as they entered the airport to find their check in desk. He turned his attention back to Mika. “Switzerland will be our home for the next year or two, so let’s enjoy it, yeah?”   
———————————————————————  
Victor didn’t really know how to cope after the final. He didn’t know what he wanted to do or where he wanted to go. All Victor knew was that he wanted to get away. He sat on his phone and spent hours and hours trying to type it his feelings, but every entry was just deleted. Victor had tried writing everything out in black and white, he’d tried to be cryptic, but in the end he settled for one line.

@v-nikiforov; I tried and it didn’t work. Sorry for everything…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter:   
> Mika and Yuuri adjust to being in Switzerland


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri and Mika adjust to life in Switzerland.  
> Yuuri decides to finally seek professional help and,  
> Yuuri recieves some worrisome news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! Welcome back!  
> First of all I'm SO SORRY about my (still) sketchy writing schedule! This chapter is at least a week overdue HAHAHA IM AWFUL  
> Secondly, a HUGE thank you to @psipisi who has been responding to comments for me while I was away from my laptop/when she got there first/when I just didn't feel like it! She deserves SO MUCH MORE CREDIT than she gets. So when you read this fic, please thank her too <3

It was dark outside, with just the moonlight reflecting off the blanket of snow outside the windows. Swiss winter really was pretty and Yuuri sure wanted to let Mika out to play in it. Or even just to sit outside and admire the blanket of white. “Look, baby.” Yuuri pointed at a falling snowflake on the window, soon to be joined by other frosty flakes. “Isn’t that beautiful?” Yuuri cooed. He was sat on the ledge of the large window, knees up with Mika sat on his hip, back leaned partially against Yuuri’s legs as Mika turned to face outside the window.

Mika was wrapped warm in a white, fluffy polar bear onesie complete with paws and an adorable face on the hood. He looked so precious Yuuri couldn’t not take a photo. With one hand on the glass, Mika babbled and gurgled at the falling snow, his hands leaving the cutest paw prints from the condensation on the glass. 

Mika was admiring the snow when— “choo!”— he let out the cutest sneeze, high pitched with a grumble as his nose dribbled. Yuuri’s heart melted, thumping at just how simply gorgeous their little boy was. He leaned forwards, grabbing a tissue to wipe little Mika’s nose. 

“You poor thing.” Yuuri sighed softly. “We should get you tucked up in bed then, shouldn’t we?” Yuuri sighed softly as Mika sneezed once more. He picked the toddler up before standing lifting Mika to lean against his shoulder. “We’ll get you another blanket and get you cuddled up in bed, how does that sound?” Yuuri shut the blinds and stalked over to the bed. “You’d better sleep with me tonight.” Yuuri sighed, concerned for Mika’s cold. He sat Mika on the bed.

Slippers came off and an extra blanket was thrown onto the bed, adding to the thick duvet and fluffy throw already there. Yuuri moved Mika’s pillow from the cot and onto the bed along with his precious elephant. Yuuri switched off the lamp on the table and climbed into bed, pulling Mika into his chest and the blankets over their bodies. 

“Is that any better, my sweet?” Yuuri asked, kissing Mika’s forehead. Mika babbled a tiny “amma…” before closing his eyes. Yuuri chuckled, letting out a sigh of relief as Mika relaxed. “I promise... I’m going to try my best and… I want to give you the best. That includes Victor…” Yuuri sighed softly. “I don’t want to give up, not when I know that Victor… he loves you too and… I can see how much I hurt him by keeping you apart.” Yuuri sighed again and brushed his hand against Mika’s head, cradling him close. “I have to fight my own monsters so we can reach Victor. I don’t want to give up on you. Or… or on him.” Yuuri smiled softly and holding Mika close. Yuuri closed his eyes, relaxing at the feel of Mika against him. “Good night, solnyshko.” Yuuri kissed him once more before allowing sleep to take over.  
———————————————————————  
The next morning Yuuri fed Mika breakfast and got ready to start the day. Since Mika would be accompanying Yuuri to his training sessions, Stephane decided to split Yuuri’s session into two one and a half hour sessions in order to allow some time for Yuuri to tend to Mika’s needs. It wasn’t any other skater’s ideal training session to be accompanied by a toddler but to Yuuri, it was perfect. Having Mika around while he trained, having Mika so close to the other part of Yuuri’s heart was exactly what he wanted. The rest of this season, and the whole of next season— his last season, would be perfect. He would make sure of it. 

“Yuuri, you’re thinking too hard.” Stephane called across the ice as Yuuri slipped out of a triple axel again. 

“Sorry, coach. I’ll go again.” Yuuri apologised as he prepared to jump again. 

“Remember… no pre-rotation. Arms straight and taut above your head for more aerodynamics.” Yuuri nodded. 

“Yes, coach.” 

Triple axel… Victor taught him to pull his arms above his head. “It shows off your waist!” He’d tell Yuuri, and that memory still made Yuuri smile. He wanted other memories of Victor to make him smile too. But… they weren’t. All Yuuri could see was bitter fragments of their relationship and Yuuri desperately wanted to smile at them instead. The next time Yuuri was back to reality he was also face first on the ice.

“It’s all well and good getting the rotations, but you know you have to actually land it too.” Stephane chuckled. 

“Sorry coach, let me try again.” Yuuri sighed with a pleading tone. 

“Not yet. Take a break – Mika is awake now, so take a break, clear your mind, and we’ll try again.” Yuuri nodded and skated to the edge of the ice. He got off, clipping his guards on. He sat down next to Mika’s carrier and took a sip of water before picking Mika up. 

“Hi, baby.” He cooed. “How was your nap? Hmm?” Mika giggled, hands reaching for Yuuri as he sat in his lap. “I take it you had a good nap – you’re in a very good mood.” Yuuri laughed before reaching for his bag. “Let’s get you a yoghurt.” He sifted through his things and finally pulled out a tube yoghurt. Yuuri ripped it open and held the tube of yoghurt to Mika’s lips. “Here, ahh—“ And Mika took It gratefully, sucking at the yoghurt. Yuuri held it gently, working the yoghurt up from the bottom of the tube until it was empty. Mika licked his lips before Yuuri wipes his mouth, cleaning up the mess around his lips and chin. 

“My darling daisy.” Yuuri chuckled, kissing Mika’s head. “I’m going back to practice now.” Yuuri sighed contently, strapping Mika into his carrier. “I love you.” And Mika babbled a muffled and quiet, albeit distinct “ahh-foo,” which had Yuuri stunned still in his position because— did Mika… did Mika just say he loved Yuuri? “I love you too, baby.” Yuuri’s heart throbbed and swelled with joy as he kissed Mika’s head. It wouldn’t be uncommon if Mika was beginning to develop some degree of speech – he was sixteen months old afterall. This was another one of those moments Yuuri wished Victor could see. 

Yuuri removed his skate guards and got back on the ice. 

Yuuri couldn’t stop thinking about Victor. Or more specifically, how even after all this, his heart still belonged to Victor. They were… soulmates. They must be. Yuuri has never loved anyone as much as he loves Victor. Victor is Yuuri’s soulmate, even if Yuuri isn’t his. Yuuri always thought about the possibility that he’d find someone else. Someone else that loved him just as much as Victor loved him. And love Mika too. But Yuuri in reality, knew that was never going to happen. He’d already found the one. That one person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and that was Victor. Victor was the only one for him and… 

Smack.

Once more, Yuuri found himself flat on the ice, back having hit the barriers. Stephane immediately skated over. 

“I think we should give the triple axel a miss for today.” Stephane sighed as he helped Yuuri sit up. “Is something on your mind?” Yuuri thought about telling Stephane but instead he shook his head. 

“N-no… no, I’m okay.” He stood up, stretching out. “I want to try it again.” Stephane knew Yuuri was stubborn. He was determined and hard working, but Yuuri was going to injure himself badly like this. Normally Stephane would let Yuuri push himself but he just seemed distracted and vulnerable today. 

“No, I think we should pick it up again tomorrow before you injure yourself.” Stephane said as he shook his head. Yuuri looked at him with big eyes and a confused face, but he didn’t question the orders. “We’ll focus on step sequence for the rest of today and pick up on the axel tomorrow.” Yuuri nodded. 

“Okay. Okay, that sounds good.”  
———————————————————————  
Training sessions carried on for a week but Yuuri’s success rate for jumps was getting lower and lower. After what seemed to be the fifth flubbed jump that day, Stephane called him to the barriers. 

“Yuuri, you’ve been very distracted since the final.” Stephane pointed out, and Yuuri’s eyes averted to the ice. Stephane was right – he had been very distracted. He couldn’t even think straight. “Is it because of…” Yuuri knew what he was implying. He nodded. Yuuri bit his lip, trying to hold back tears as his heart thumped. “Come on, let’s sit down.” Yuuri followed him like a sheep, sitting down on the bench next to a sleeping Mika. 

“Is it troubling you?” Stephane asked and hesitantly, Yuuri nodded. 

“I thought I was okay before.” Yuuri mumbled. “But all I can think of is the way he looked at Mika, and how much he adores him.” Yuuri bit his lip again, taking a deep breath to calm his rising nerves. “And how I want Victor to be in Mika’s life but… I’m not ready to let him in and it’s so selfish of me but I can’t help it.” Yuuri buried his face in his hands. “Every time I see him I just want to break down and cry and I don’t want that…” Stephane sighed softly, squeezing Yuuri’s shoulder. 

“I think… I think maybe you should start seeing a therapist again.” Yuuri looked at him. Seeing a therapist really scared him. Having to open up and have someone read him like a book was terrifying. At the same time, he knew Stephane was right. “I think you need to see a therapist and complete the course too.” Yuuri hesitantly nodded. 

“But I was doing fine before—“ Yuuri began to protest. 

“But you aren’t now and I can tell.” Stephane pointed out bluntly. “And I think it would be within your best interest to see someone. You bottling everything up and not getting help will only hinder you.” Stephane was right. Yuuri’s unwillingness to get help was part of what broke him and Victor apart.

“O-ok-okay…” Yuuri took a deep breath, trying to relax before he let his insecurities take over. 

“Take the rest of today off. Spend it with Mika, clear your mind, and I’ll find you someone to see.” Yuuri nodded and began untying his skates. 

“Stephane?” 

“Yes?” 

“T-Thank you…” Stephane smiled fondly. 

“No problem. Go back home and get some rest.”  
———————————————————————  
It was the night before Yuuri’s first therapy appointment. 

Yuuri shot up in the middle of the night, Mika crying and wailing at the top of his tiny lungs. He rushed out of bed, shivering as he scrambled over to Mika’s cot. His arms reached out for Yuuri, who immediately picked him up, fluffy blankets wrapped around his tiny body. Yuuri immediately tucked himself back into bed, holding Mika close. As soon as Mika’s hands grabbed for Yuuri’s chest he calmed and quieted down. Yuuri released a sigh of relief. 

“Are you cold, baby?” Yuuri looked over at the window to see more and more snow piling on the windowsill. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault.” Yuuri sighed softly. “I should have known you would be sensitive to the cold. You were last time, too.” Yuuri’s brow creased as he thought back to many nights he stayed awake, Mika laid on his chest to keep him warm. Yuuri encased Mika in his arms, his tiny nose scrunching as he sniffled. Yuuri flicked the switch at the side of the mattress, heating it up for Mika, who was now fast asleep. 

“Good night, solnyshko.” Yuuri kissed Mika’s forehead and pulled the second blanket over them both, ensuring that Mika’s face came up above the blankets.

Mika slept well for the rest of the night. Yuuri was relieved when he kissed him good morning and was greeted with soft, warm skin as an oppose to cold skin. Yuuri sat up on the bed, Mika moving to grab at his thigh, holding onto him as he slept. Yuuri’s hand moved to gently touch Mika’s head, covered with a hat. He couldn’t help but snap a photo of his gorgeous little boy, clinging to his thigh. 

Yuuri waited patiently for Mika to wake up, one hand running up and down his back as he admired him. Mika, not long later, began to stir and fuss as he woke up. “Good morning, baby.” Yuuri cooed, gazing in awe as Mika opened his eyes. “Breakfast? Yeah?” Yuuri got out of bed and picked Mika up. “Come on then, let’s get you ready.” He brought him into the bathroom, changed him into fresh clothes and brushed those tiny teeth.

Mika, over the last two or so weeks, had been pretty reluctant to take Yuuri’s nipple. He was very selective about it – sometimes he would have no problems but other times he just flat out refused. As a result, Mika was part bottle fed and part breast fed in the mornings. Today was one of those days where Mika was being particularly fussy. With a defeated sigh, Yuuri stopped trying and went to Mika’s drawer of things. He pulled out a plastic bottle and took it (and Mika) to the kitchen to prepare some formula milk instead. 

It took him a few minutes to prepare and cool appropriately for Mika but eventually, Mika took the bottle. Yuuri sighed in relief. Nowadays it was a gamble whether he wanted the bottle or Yuuri’s nipple. Yuuri looked at the clock. After feeding Mika, it would be time for him to get ready.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri waited patiently, holding Mika’s carrier in one arm on his lap as he sat in the waiting office. 

“Mr. Yuuri Katsuki?” A woman, early thirties, Yuuri would guess, peeked her head out of the door. Yuuri stood up. Anxious and full of nerves, Yuuri followed him through. “Please, take a seat.” He sat down on the chair, setting Mika’s carrier down on the floor next to him. “I’m Dr. Strauss, it’s nice to meet you.” She seemed friendly, Yuuri noted. 

“Yuuri. Yuuri Katsuki. It’s nice to meet you too.” He replied, his fists clenched in his lap as he took deep breaths. 

“Who’s the little one?” She asked with a fond smile. Yuuri looked down at sleeping Mika. 

“Mika, he’s my son. Sixteen months old.” Yuuri’s face was proud and content as he admired the sleeping toddler before looking back up to her. 

“He’s very cute.” She chuckled fondly. “Why don’t you tell me about yourself?” She requested, opening up her notebook and pulling a pen from her pocket. 

“Well… I’m a Japanese figure skater. I used to train in the states, and then went back to Japan. After that I…” Yuuri hesitated. “I got married and moved to Russia.” He whispered, staring down at the clenched fists in his lap. “A-and I had Mika in September, two-thousand and eighteen.” Yuuri swallowed a lump in his throat, squeezing his eyes shut as he tried to relax. 

“How is your marriage?” She asked, raising her brow as she fiddled with her pen. 

“W-we… we divorced… t-two years ago.” Yuuri admitted, his voice trembling. “M-my mental health wasn’t great and my husband he— I was weak. And my husband was so strong. He tried so hard but he— he just couldn’t take anymore a-and… he had to give up or I’d pull him down too.” Yuuri’s eyes filled with tears. Opening this box of his repressed memories was definitely painful. “I temporarily lived with my ballet instructor for a few weeks and… then I moved back to Japan.” 

“How did you feel about that?” 

“It was a horrible time.” Yuuri admitted. “I was just… devastated. Distraught. It just made me think… h-how can you love someone so much and then suddenly…?” Yuuri bit the inside of his cheek, fighting back tears. “I became even more dissociative and my health got worse. Everything was just… I lost everything. My home, my husband, my life…” Yuuri took a heavy breath. 

“Take your time.” Strauss encouraged as she watched Yuuri try to organise his thoughts. 

“I tried to kill myself.” Saying those words felt so bitter on his tongue. Even though everything was such a blur he would always remember the way the bumper of the car felt against his waist and the darkness that surrounded him. “And… at the time I didn’t know but…” Yuuri chances a sweet smile at little Mika. “But there was someone who would want me and need me. Even if my husband didn’t.” Yuuri’s heart squeezed. Mika was so incredibly precious. He kept Yuuri grounded and kept him going for so long and he didn’t even realise it. 

“I was in a coma for a month and when I woke up I… I was overwhelmed with everything. Coming to terms with losing my life, Mika, and… having to re-learn everything again.” Yuuri swallowed. “I had to learn to walk again and skate again but eventually I got too pregnant to skate properly.” Yuuri took a deep breath, calming himself down. “After Mika was born, I knew I wanted to skate again. So… I contacted Stephane and I spent the end of December and the beginning of January learning to skate and… jump again. In Switzerland.” Yuuri explained. 

“How did you find that experience?” Dr. Strauss asked as Yuuri thought about it. 

“Different. It made me closer to Mika, I think.” He smiled happily. “I think without as many people around us it was easier for us to bond.” 

“How does Mika make you feel, Yuuri?”

“He makes me smile so much.” Yuuri didn’t hesitate to answer, his mood instantly flipping around. “Mika means the world and more to me. He’s all I’ve got.” Yuuri’s eyes glittered as he watched Mika stir ever so slightly in his sleep. “Even though he reminds me so much of my husband he… he brings me so much joy. Before he was born I stopped believing in love. Or hope. I just believed that life was meaningless.” 

“Did Mika change that?” Yuuri nodded. 

“I’ll never stop loving Mika. Even if he grew up to resent me I’d never stop loving him.” Yuuri let a tear fall from his eye as he gushed about his little boy, wiping it with his thumb. “Sometimes I get… insecure. I wonder whether I’m doing things right or whether I’m giving him what he needs.” Yuuri’s face began to fall again. 

“I never told my husband. About Mika. But recently we… bumped into him at a competition.” Yuuri held his breath. “I wasn’t prepared at all. I— I thought he’d be mad. He had every right to be angry with me. I had been selfish.” Yuuri admitted shamefully. “But he was nothing but enamoured by Mika. The way they interact is so similar and Mika just seemed so… nonchalant. Happy with Victor. But I couldn’t take it.” Yuuri’s eyes watered once again as his brow furrowed. “If… if I let Victor in what if… what if he took Mika from me?”The very thought tugged Yuuri’s heartstrings as he sniffles, tears falling down his face. 

“I can’t let that happen yet at the same time Mika would hate me for keeping Victor away.” Strauss passed Yuuri a tissue and he wiped his eyes and blew his nose. “I guess I’m just here to figure out what I need to do.” 

“Well we can definitely think about that. What do you want to get out of therapy, Yuuri?” She asked as she finished scribbling some notes down. 

“I just want to get over Victor and move on… I want to make the right decisions for Mika, even if they involve Victor.” Yuuri had to take a few deep breaths to calm his beating heart. 

“Do you want Victor in your life?” Yuuri bit his lip and nodded. 

“Mika needs him. And if Mika needs him then I have to let him in.” Yuuri’s response was quiet. 

“But do YOU want him in your life, Yuuri? Not in Mika’s life, but in yours.” Dr. Strauss clarified, watching as Yuuri prickled uncomfortably. 

“I…” Yuuri paused. Did he want Victor around? They loved each other. At least once upon a time they loved each other more than anything in the world. They’d made beautiful memories together and shared a life for years together. It didn’t matter how hurt Yuuri was and how it was Victor who hurt him because Victor had been nothing but wonderful. He was caring and full of love and even just three weeks ago when Yuuri had seen him he was the same caring Victor he’d always known. Only now his persona was full of anguish and sadness. The answer, for Yuuri, was easy. “I do. I do want Victor in my life.”

“Would you say that being able to talk to Victor without feeling anxious and scared is what you want to get out of our therapy sessions?” Yuuri nodded. 

“Yes.” 

“You mentioned that you had seen Victor again recently? Why don’t you tell me how that went?” She flicked a page in her notebook as Yuuri played with the hem of his jacket between his fingers. 

“Actually… we saw each other three times over the space of a few days. At a competition.” Yuuri swallowed, bringing his thoughts back to three weeks before at the final. “The first time I just… ran. I ran and didn’t look back. I was so… anxious and scared and— I just needed to leave.” 

“What made you so scared, Yuuri?” Yuuri thought. To be truthful, there was nothing about Victor that struck fear in Yuuri. In fact Victor was anything but scary. He was always patient, no matter how stubborn Yuuri was. He was always funny, no matter how much Yuuri dampened the mood. He was always optimistic, no matter how much hope Yuuri lost. 

“I guess… being confronted and having to talk.” Yuuri swallowed. “I… I never want to say anything that hurts Victor anymore than I already have a-and… if I stayed I would have said something I regretted.” 

“And what about the second time? Did you feel any different?” Yuuri could feel tears streak down his cheeks.

“I said something really horrible…” Yuuri gulped. Just thinking about what he’d said to Victor made him sick to his stomach. Yuuri had never said anything so malicious and bitter before in his life. “I— I told him that sometimes… I wished he was never i-in my life…” Yuuri forced the words out as his hands clenched into fists on his lap, fat tear drops falling from his eyes and into his lap. He still couldn’t believe that those words came out of his mouth – Yuuri had never in his life said anything so horrible to Victor before. 

“Did you mean it?” Yuuri instantly shook his head. He didn’t even know what came over him in that moment that prompted him to say something so awful to Victor. He didn’t mean it at all. 

“H-he gave me the best years of my life.” He whispered. “Victor was nothing but patient with me. He was caring and kind and… Never in my life have I ever said anything so… so spiteful.” Yuuri longed for someone to look at him the way Victor did, to treat him the way Victor did. “I regretted it instantly.” 

“How—“ 

“And the third time I… I told him to leave me alone and… at the time I was just so overwhelmed and angry and upset and I didn’t really want him to leave me alone but really I just… needed some space. Time. I wasn’t prepared to see him the first time and by the time the third time came about…” Yuuri swallowed. “I’d just had enough.” Yuuri cried. He burst into completely into tears, no longer droplets falling from his eyes, but streams. 

“With this, would you say that confidence, more than anything, is what you want to develop? Perhaps this is less about being confronted and more about being confident.” Strauss suggested as she studied Yuuri with a pitiful look, handing Yuuri the box of tissues this time. 

“I just… want to talk to him. Without being anxious and scared a-and…” Yuuri sighed. “I need him to know I’m sorry. F-for everything.” Yuuri took a deep breath. “And I want… I want him to be able to see Mika grow up. He’s already missed so much.” Dr. Strauss smiled. 

“You did great, talking about all this.” She smiled gently. “I think from this chat I’ve got to know a bit more about you, and we’ve got a good list of goals. Next week we’ll talk about our first steps forward.” Yuuri nodded. 

“Umm… thank you for listening to me.” He said quietly. “It really made me feel better.” Yuuri sighed in relief. 

“That’s why I’m here.” She giggled. “We’re here to help you work through your problems and talk about them. We’ll make it in the end.” Dr. Strauss encouraged as she tore some paper out of her notebook. “Stephane has told me you’re on anxiety and depression medication. I won’t be changing that unless I think it’s necessary, is that okay?” 

“Yes, that’s fine.” Yuuri stood up, picking Mika up from the floor, who was now wide awake and suckling on his thumb. “I’ll see you next week. Thank you.” 

“Yes, see you next week.” 

Yuuri left the therapist office feeling lighter, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. 

“Come on, Mika. It’s time to get you lunch.” Yuuri smiled as Mika babbled, entertaining himself with a soft mobile. “We’ll get you some rice porridge when we get back.”  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri stared in awe as Mika sat in the snow, tiny gloved hands pressing shapes into the snow with a big smile on his face. Yuuri took a picture. Victor would find that cute. He watched Mika roll around in the snow, leaving the shape of his tiny body embedded in the snow. It was absolutely adorable and had Yuuri’s heart completely snatched. “Alright baby, time to come inside and get you into something warm before you get a cold.” Yuuri said, moving to pick Mika up. Mika held his arms out with a happy face for Yuuri to pick him up.

Yuuri and Mika had been slowly, slowly settling into the Swiss weather. Mika had started off with a lot of trouble sleeping at night though, often waking up coughing and sneezing. So Yuuri resorted to tucking Mika up into his own bed, where he seemed to be sleeping more soundly. Yuuri, at first, was very concerned about Mika’s inability to fall asleep but as he adjusted more, it got better. On nights where sleep was not Mika’s best friend Yuuri would stay awake and sing to Mika until he was asleep before falling asleep himself. Sometimes it took minutes, sometimes it took hours. But every second spent was worth it. 

Their nightly routine was the same. Yuuri would bathe Mika in a bubble bath. With a sponge, he’d gently clean his arms and legs and body. Fingers would massage Mika’s head, cleaning what little hair he has and then, Yuuri would wrap him in a fluffy, white hooded towel with a little dog face on it. Yuuri would towel him dry before moisturising his already soft skin and putting on a fresh diaper. Now with a fluffy sleep onesie and some tiny gloves, Yuuri would tuck him into bed. He would kiss his head and wish his little boy good night – “Goodnight, solnyshko. Mommy and daddy love you very much,”— before holding him close to his chest to sleep.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri was partway through training when his phone rang. It caught his attention – he skated over to the barriers, stepping off the ice to pick up his phone.

“Yurio? Hey.” He greeted warmly. 

“Hey, Katsudon. How’s Switzerland? And Mika, of course.” Yuri asked down the phone and Yuuri glances over to Mika. 

“It’s cold. But Mika is doing well. He’s asleep at the moment.” Yuuri smiled. “I’ll send photos. I got some of him in the snow the other day.” Yuuri chuckled. “How are you? Prepared to kick my ass?” He asked with a smirk. 

“Good. Is he coming to worlds too? He should see his best uncle again, I think.” Yurio sneered. 

“Phichit would have something to say.” Yuuri teased back. 

“Well he can fight me. Anyway, urgh. Training is awful. Lila makes me dance until I get it right and spot on. She’s absolutely brutal! She works me like a fucking dog!” Yurio growled down the phone, pulling a laugh from him. “And not to mention Yakov! Fucking torturing me with a quad lutz! I can’t get enough rotations in without having it under-rotated so he put me back on the harness to practice! I look like a fucking idiot. And then all he does is grunt bout never paying attention and blah blah blah.” Yurio sighed furiously but Yuuri had spaced out. Why was Yakov coaching him again? 

“W-why is Yakov coaching you?” Yuuri asked, heart thumping. 

“Shit.” Yurio hissed. He knew he couldn’t lie to Yuuri – Yuuri knew him too well for that. 

“Yurio?” 

“Erm… Victor hasn’t— he’s not come to the rink for a few weeks.” Yurio mumbled. “It doesn’t matter anyway you wouldn’t care.” Yurio muttered with a slightly sharp tone. 

“Wait— why wouldn’t I care?” Yuuri questioned, his fists squeezing as his heart raced. Why wouldn’t he care? 

“Well you hate him so…” Yurio shrugged. “You don’t need to care.” 

“N-no I— I don’t hate him at all!” Yuuri protested “I-I could never! Why would you think that?” Yuuri asked anxiously as he sat down on the bench next to Mika. 

“Well that’s what he seems to think.” Yurio sighed. “That’s why he’s… locked himself in his apartment for the last three weeks.” Yuuri’s eyes widened. 

“I-is he okay? How’s Makkachin? Who’s bringing him groceries?” Yuuri asked with a bit of a panicky tone. “I-is he sleeping well? Who’s checking on him?” Yuuri had a million and one questions, all frantic and firing them all at Yurio at once. 

“I don’t know. I don’t know anything. All I know is that he’s still alive and moping.” That made Yuuri panic even more. “Trust me if I knew more I’d boot the damn bastard for it.” Yurio snarled. Yurio could hear Yuuri’s shaking, heavy breaths before he spoke again. “You know what, I’ll ask Lilia for you and text or something.” Yuuri let out a sigh of relief.

“Thank you. Thank you, please text me and let me know.” Yuuri’s racing heart began to slow down at the promise of hearing of Victor’s well-being. 

“No problem. See you in March.” Yurio smiled softly. 

“See you in March.” Yuuri bid. “And Yurio?” 

“Yes?” 

“Don’t be teaching Mika any swear words.” He joked, coaxing a huff from Yurio. 

“I won’t. Not yet at least.” He sneered, pulling a frown and a grumble from Yuuri. 

“Don’t you dare.” He threatened jokingly with a pout, glancing down at innocent Mika. The image of his two year old swearing made Yuuri cringe! He definitely had to at least control Yurio’s language.

“Alright, alright. I won’t. Anyway, see you at Worlds.” 

“See you at Worlds.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:  
> A good friend makes an appearance  
> We check tap into someone else's changed life  
> More of Yuuri and Mika's life!


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri meets up with a friendly face!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy y'all welcome back!
> 
> I think I'm starting to shift back into my writing habit now so we don't have to keep you waiting for ages for a new chapter! But fear not, as long as @psipisi exists you can guarantee you'll get a new chapter :D
> 
> Enjoy!

Yuuri’s phone pinged. He glanced over at Stephane, who gave him a small nod. With a soft smile, Yuuri got off the ice quickly to check his phone.

From: Chris  
A little birdy told me you were in Champery ;) care for a coffee, mon Cher?

Yuuri sighed heavily – he wasn’t really one for meeting up, but he figured it would be nice to catch up with Chris. It had been a while since they’d seen each other – the season Yuuri took off was his last season. Plus, Yuuri had a feeling Mika would like Chris. It would be nice for him to have some faces around. 

To: Chris  
We are (: a coffee sounds nice… I have weekends off and I’m sure Mika would like to meet another cool uncle ^^” Name a time and place? 

Yuuri looked over to Mika. “Are you ready to meet uncle Chris?” He chuckled as Mika’s eyes beamed and a smile crossed his face. Mika babbled an excited “ehh!” which Yuuri took as a yes. “Alright then. We’ll just wait for Chris to text back.” Yuuri kissed his forehead and put his phone away before stepping back onto the ice to finish up practice. 

“Your family? How are they?” Stephane asked as Yuuri ran through his step sequence. 

“No. It was Chris, Yurio must have told him I’m here.” Yuuri chuckled. “He wants to go out for a coffee and I thought it’d be a good opportunity for Mika to meet him so…” Yuuri smiled contently. 

“Oh? That’s nice of him.” Stephane commented. “It’ll be a nice chance for you to see more of Champery than just the rink. Don’t forget to admire the scenery while you’re out, especially since it’s still winter.” Stephane reminded as he glanced or at the window, watching the snow pile. 

“I’ll be sure to remind him.” Yuuri chuckled. “Can we go through the second half of the free? I think there’s space for more points.” Yuuri asked as he went over to the stereo and paused the music. “I want to see if I can put in a quad loop.” 

“Are you sure? You’ve only landed it once.” Stephane asked, raising a brow. Yuuri frowned, his brow creased in the middle. “But. Worlds is in seven weeks, if you think you can do it, we’re going to do it.” Stephane encouraged, changing Yuuri’s slight frown to a determined smile. 

“I can do it.” Declared Yuuri. Stephane gave him a smile. “I’ve trained almost all of the quads. I can do it.” Stephane smiled. 

“Alright, let’s do it then.” Stephane got back onto the ice. “We’ll go back through the choreography notes and pick out where is best to put the loop, then, we’ll practice it.” Yuuri nodded and skated to the barriers, picking up his notebook and pen. “Do you want to put it in combination or just on its own?” Yuuri shrugged. 

“I guess I’ll just… try it until it fits right.” 

Yuuri went over the quadruple loop until he could get the take off right. “We’ll leave it there for today, and pick it back up tomorrow, how’s that?” Yuuri gulped down the rest of his bottle of water and wiped his mouth. Yuuri nodded. 

“Sure thing. I umm… I have another appointment with the therapist tomorrow by the way so… I’ll be going after practice.” Reminded Yuuri as they left the rink. 

“How are they going?” Stephane asked. “Is she a good therapist?” 

“They’re going fine, I think.” Yuuri sighed. “It’s mainly… me trying to sort my feelings out and… yeah. It’s going okay. I think I’m getting to where I want to be. Slowly.” He smiled, and so did Stephane. 

“You seem less distracted in practice now so I’m glad it’s working. Keep at it Yuuri.” He encouraged. At that moment, Chris texted back. 

From: Chris  
This Saturday? There’s a café on 1st Avenue so you can meet me there at 1. Look forward to meeting the little one, mon Cheri <3 

Yuuri smiled. “It’s Chris.” 

To: Chris  
Sure thing. Take it there’s only 1 café there then? Mika can’t wait to meet you either. 

“We’re going to meet Chris on Sunday. I’ll give him regards from you. He’s going to meet Mika for the first time.” Yuuri sighed softly. “I just… I wonder what Chris thinks of me.” He frowned as they began the walk home. 

“Why? What makes you say that?” Stephane asked. 

“It’s just… Chris is friends with Victor too and… I don’t want him to hate me as well. It’s bad enough that Victor hates me and… I don’t want Chris to hate me too…” Yuuri mumbled. What Chris thought of him meant a lot to Yuuri because he wasn’t just Victor’s friend. He was Yuuri’s friend too. Or at least, Yuuri hoped they were still friends. 

“Chris isn’t the kind of person to pick sides.” Stephane reassured. “You’ll see. Plus, he’ll love Mika, and you know that.” Stephane gave Yuuri a smile and Yuuri felt a little better. 

“You’re right. I guess I’m just feeling anxious and nervous about it.” Yuuri sighed softly. “I guess I’ll just see how coffee goes.”  
———————————————————————  
The day of said coffee came about. 

Café Sopprano. It was a little cabin – like the rest of the establishments on the street, complete with a balcony. Yuuri took Mika inside to grab a window seat which looked right out in the snowy scenery. Yuuri sat Mika down and lifted him from the carrier, sitting him in his lap as they waited for Chris to arrive. 

His leg bounced up and down nervously as he watched the window for a familiar head of blonde-brown hair. Finally, after minutes that felt like hours, that familiar head of hair walked past the window and Yuuri’s eyes followed until he came from the door. Chris instantly lit up at the sight of Mika as he came over. 

“Bonjour, Yuuri. This must be little Mika.” Chris cooed as Mika’s arms reached up for him, fidgeting and babbling in Yuuri’s lap. 

“Bonjour, Chris.” Yuuri chuckled. “This is Mika.” Yuuri turned his attention to Mika. “And this is uncle Chris.” Yuuri laughed at Mika’s overzealous reaction towards Chris as he sat down next to Yuuri. 

“You want a coffee? My treat.” Chris asked as he made himself comfortable. 

“Please.” Chris called for a waiter and ordered two coffees. 

“So how have you been?” Chris asked as Mika occupied himself in Yuuri’s lap, chewing on a teething ring. “I see your season has started well.” He chuckled. 

“We’ve been… getting by.” Yuuri smiled softly. “Doing okay, I suppose. It’s been pretty tough but…” Yuuri shrugged. “Mika makes everything easier. I also started seeing someone. A-a therapist so…” He huffed with a content face. “I just want to get myself together and be a parent who can give Mika everything. How have you been?” 

“I started coaching juniors.” Chris said proudly. “Novices and juniors, but mainly juniors. Only the singles though, no ice dancers or pair skaters.” Chris silently thanked the waitress for their coffees, and sipped at his coffee slowly. “So about little Mika?” 

“He’s one year, five months old. Born second of September. He’s.. very quiet, and rarely ever fusses. He’s very happy too. And… a splitting image of Victor.” Yuuri sighed softly with a fond smile. “Mika smiles like him, has the same attitude, he even has the same eyes and nose.” Yuuri fondly kissed his forehead. “And the same forehead.” He chuckled. “The similarity is… uncanny.” 

“I heard you… saw Victor. At the final.” Yuuri instantly quieted, retreating back into his shell. “How was it?” 

“I-it… I… I just broke down and… I— can we not talk about that?” Yuuri pleaded as he shuffled uncomfortably. 

“Yeah, sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.” Chris apologised, but Yuuri shook his head. 

“It— it’s okay… I just… I said something that I never meant to say to him and… well I can never take it back.” Yuuri bit the bottom of his lip, his hands holding Mika closer and tucking him close to his body. 

“What did you say?” Yuuri swallowed. 

“I— I can’t even repeat it.” He mumbled. “It was… horrible of me to say and— I don’t think he’d ever forgive me for it.” Tears lined his waterline as he took a deep breath. “I told him that… that I wish he was never in my life.” Yuuri looked down shamefully at his lap as he heard Chris gasp. Of course Chris never knew Yuuri was capable of saying something like that. Even Yuuri didn’t. 

“Oh. Well I didn’t expect that.” Chris mumbled as he took an awkward sip of his drink. 

“He gave me the best years of my life but just… in the spur of the moment I was so angry. But now… there was no reason for me to be angry and I can’t take back what I said.” Yuuri heavily sighed. “So… I guess you could say I don’t expect him to ever speak to me again.” Yuuri shrugged. 

“I always thought you hated him.” Yuuri’s head jerked to stare at him, eyes wide and almost betrayed. “But now I know you never did.” Chris paused, reading Yuuri’s troubled reaction. “You were upset and confused. But you never hated him.” Yuuri gave him a hopeful smile. 

“I thought I hated him too. After I left and cleared my head and saw the bigger picture I realised that I never hated him. But… I still think he hates me.” Yuuri’s brow creased, a depressed frown covering his face.

“Victor… he hasn’t turned up to Kitten’s coaching sessions in a month.” Yuuri’s face fell. “Did you hear about this?” Yuuri slowly nodded. 

“He told me too and… I couldn’t stop worrying about him at all.” Yuuri sighed. “It doesn’t matter if we aren’t married or he hates me but the point is… we loved each other once upon a time and I still care about him.” Yuuri mumbled, fiddling with the fabric of Mika’s sleeves. “And he’s Mika’s parent too. I care a lot about him.” Yuuri admitted shyly. Chris couldn’t help but smile. 

“You know… if you can both pull through this, there’s nothing that would stop you. You know, having a proper conversation together at worlds and talk everything through.” Chris suggested, and while Yuuri looked solemn, there was a glimmer of hope in his eyes when he looked up at Chris. “You know he’d never hate you. He has a heart of glass, just like you.” Chris reasoned. “He loves you so much, Yuuri. He could never hate you.” Yuuri bounced Mika up and down on his leg as he began to fuss. 

“Shh, shh.” Yuuri hushed him quietly, giving him a kiss on the head. He cradled Mika to his chest, running a comforting hand up and down his back. “Feeling ratty, are you?” Yuuri chuckled. “Have a cuddle of this instead.” Yuuri removed the teething ring from Mika’s lips and passed him his beloved elephant instead. He turned his attention back to Chris. 

“I just feel like after everything I put him through… how could he not hate me? I made him feel like a nuisance and I was stubborn. I never listened when he just wanted to help.” Yuuri swallowed. “When I last saw him he looked anything but healthy. His skin was dull and dry and he had dark circles. He was so lifeless. He didn’t smile once that weekend, Chris.” Yuuri bit his lip, holding back tears. “I’m the reason he’s like that. He… he’s so different now. What happened to the bubbly, happy, smiley Victor I used to know? I ruined him, that’s what happened. So how could he not hate me?” Chris just sighed. 

“It doesn’t matter, to Victor, what happened in the past.” Chris said. “He loves you. And I guess being told by the love of your life that they wish they never met or something is pretty heavy.” When it was out like that Yuuri felt even more guilty. He let tears fall from his eyes, soft, fat tears fell from his eyes. One must have hit Mika’s head. He turned and looked up at Yuuri. “Amma!” Yuuri let out a weak laugh. 

“I’m okay, baby.” He sniffled as Chris passed him a tissue. 

“When you next see each other, you both need to take a step back from how you feel and talk to each other. For your own peace of mind, but especially for Mika’s sake.” Chris advised, handing Yuuri another tissue. “I assume you want Victor in Mika’s life?” Yuuri nodded. 

“More than anything Mika deserves him. And Victor deserves Mika.” Yuuri quietly murmured, squeezing Mika’s hand gently. “I want Victor in Mika’s life. In my life.” 

“Did you mention this to your therapist?” Yuuri nodded. 

“She said that we’ll get there slowly. But I… I need to be at that point where I can talk to Victor faster than that.” Yuuri sighed out of frustration. “But he probably won’t want to talk to me anyway so I guess… it wouldn’t matter anyway.” Yuuri muttered as he dabbed his eyes dry. 

“Don’t be silly.” Chris smiled. “Victor would never be able to hold a grudge, especially against you. Really, I think Victor would be really happy if you spoke to him. Relieved, at least.” He reassured, but Yuuri still couldn’t help this sick feeling in his stomach. “You know Victor better than anyone. You know that no matter what you’ve done to him, he’ll always love you, and he’d never be angry with you.” 

“I know but that doesn’t stop me from feeling… guilty. He’s no longer the same Victor. The one who saw the good in everyone. The one who would smile through everything and always be happy. The one who took care of himself.” Yuuri sighed heavily once more. “I destroyed that loving version of Victor. I tore him apart. I tore him away from Mika and I could never forgive myself. Every second that passes when Victor is apart from Mika because of me is a second shaved off of their relationship.” Yuuri started to cry again and once more, Mika fussed over his poor mother. “I’m okay, baby.” He cooed with a fond smile. 

“No matter the outcome, if he gives you the cold shoulder or if he kisses you out of joy or whatever, if the outcome isn’t wanted, then at least you tried.” Chris said. He was right, Yuuri thought. No matter the outcome, Yuuri would have tried. 

“You’re right. I guess I’m just preparing myself for the worst.” Yuuri squeezed Mika’s hand softly, running his thumb over the soft fat on his hand and wrist. 

“Well, you’ll never know unless you try. And I can guarantee that Victor very much wants to speak to you.” Encouraged Chris fondly, which pulled a content face from Yuuri. 

“I hope you’re right.” Yuuri sighed. “Hey Chris…” 

“Hmm?” 

“When you came to meet me here today… did you… did you hate me? For what I did to Victor.” Yuuri asked in a quiet voice. He looked down at his lap, biting his lip. After the words came out of his mouth, Yuuri instantly felt nervous and suddenly he didn’t want to know the answer. Chris let out an amused chuckle. 

“Ma chérie… I could never hate you. Victor didn’t see what happened as misfortune. He saw it as fate. The fact that you had to part ways, to him at the time, it was just an unhappy ending. How could he hate you for that?” Chris reasoned. “To Victor, it was his unhappy ending, but a chance for you to get better and for you to find someone stronger, someone who loves you more.” Yuuri started crying again. 

“There’s never going to be anyone who loves me more than Victor did.” He mumbled through tears as Mika began to fuss with him again. “No one will ever be able to love me the same way Victor did, ever.” Yuuri took a deep breath. “I always thought that after Victor someone else would come along but I realised… Victor is the one. And he always will be. I can’t love anyone who isn’t Victor and I can’t accept love from someone who isn’t Victor.” Yuuri pulled another tissue from his pocket and dabbed his eyes dry, blowing his nose. 

“Then if he’s your happy ending, don’t you think you should chase him? I know that’s easier said than done, but… you know, you deserve a happy ending. In the form of Victor.” Yuuri thought. He still didn’t think he deserved a happy ending, but Mika did. Mika deserves not just a happy ending, but a whole happy story. And through every hardship it would take for Yuuri to get to Victor he would tell himself that. 

“I just feel like… he’s given up on me. A-and that’s not his fault at all! It’s my fault for being stubborn and selfish and proud but… if he’s given up on me and especially Mika then…” Yuuri mumbled into his mug of coffee as he gave a sad shrug. “I can’t blame him if he’s given up on us.” 

“Don’t say that.” Said Chris. “You of all people know how unpredictable Victor can be. So don’t think about that. One step at a time.” Chris tried to coax a smile from Yuuri, but his efforts proved fruitless. He sighed. “You are the love of Victor’s life. He thinks you’ve given up on him.” He explained with a sigh. “You both think the other person has given up but if you spoke to each other… you’d be surprised.” Chris winked. 

“How do you know?” 

“How long have I known you both?” Well… Chris had a point. They’d been friends for years, all three of them. 

“Have you spoken to Victor? About this.” Yuuri asked curiously. Chris shook his head. “Why not?” 

“Because Victor doesn’t listen to people. The only person he ever listened to was you. To be honest, you probably still are the only person he’d listen too.” Yuuri thought about what Chris said. And it was right. Victor never listened to Chris, nor Yakov, nor Lilia that much either. But Victor always would have listened to Yuuri. And that… kind of made Yuuri feel worse. The fact that Victor always listened to Yuuri, but Yuuri never listened to Victor or what Victor had to say just made Yuuri feel even more like it was his fault they split up.

“Victor used to smile a lot. But when I saw him, even from afar that weekend, there was no smile to be seen. Just a tired, pale face with dark under-eye circles. Answer me honestly, Chris.” That really caught Chris’s attention. “Is that my fault? That Victor has become like this.” Yuuri’s eyes were pleading, his brow creased as he nervously waited for an answer. 

“Yes.” Yuuri’s breath hitched. “But it’s also Victor’s fault.” Chris said. “I don’t know much about what went wrong, but a relationship takes two to work. You have to work together.” There was a pause before Chris continued. “I know for a fact that Victor is still in love with you. And after talking to you, I know you’re still in love with him too. Regardless of whether you admit it or you don’t think you love him or whatever but believe me, you do.” Yuuri swallowed hard. Did he, though? Love Victor. 

“Do you think he could ever forgive me?” 

“You’ll never know unless you try, Yuuri.” Chris replied encouragingly. “Come on, finish up here and I’ll take you around Champery.” Yuuri, now feeling less insecure about everything, finished up his coffee. 

“Alright, come on baby. Uncle Chris is gonna take us around Champery.” He smiled as he strapped Mika back into his carrier and covered him with a blanket. “Let’s go.” They stood up and promptly left the café, having left a hefty tip. 

“Is there anything else you need to talk about?” Chris asked, referring to Victor. 

“Has he contacted you recently?” Asked Yuuri. Mika cooed and gargled at the falling snow, hands covered by mittens reaching up to reach for the snowflakes. Chris chuckled in amusement. 

“He’s adorable.” Chris commented about Mika. “No, not in the last month or so. I did text after Yurio said he hadn’t been turning up to the rink but he never replied.” 

“Do you think he’s okay?” Chris shrugged. 

“Honestly I don’t know. He posted something quite worrying, but it was deleted literally within a minute so I really don’t know.” Yuuri’s heart began to race again. “I think he needs help.” Chris said frankly. Yuuri bit his lip. He knew exactly how it felt to be in denial of needing help. “I don’t know if he’s tried to get help or what but… maybe you can ask Yurio or Lilia.” Chris suggested. 

“Maybe I’ll ask Lilia… I just hope he’s eating and sleeping.” 

“Are you prepared for Worlds? Like, the actual competition?” Asked Chris, and Yuuri almost snickered. 

“Of course I am. I’m still rearranging jumps to get more points but even if that fails, I’m still ready.” Yuuri proudly declared. “I have to win back my crown from Yurio, after all.” He laughed fondly as he thought about the last Worlds competition he was in two seasons ago. Yurio had been after the Worlds crown for three seasons, but the only season Yurio had successfully taken the crown was during the season Yuuri had off. Since, Yurio had complained endlessly about how his crown was unfairly won, and how he was going kick Yuuri’s ass fairly this time. 

“I’m sure he won’t be easy to beat. Though you never know. Maybe you’ll surprise yourself.” Chris winked, as Yuuri let out an amused huff. 

“He won’t be easy to beat, but I’ll be very happy if I do beat him. I used to win medals just for the sake of winning but now, I have someone to win them for.” Yuuri smiled down at little Mika, who nonchalantly chewed on his poor elephant’s ear. 

“I suppose at the moment Yurio is just like you were, winning for the sake of it. When you’re driven by someone to win, I guess it just makes you all the more motivated.” They continued to walk down the Champery streets, feet crunching in fresh snow. It was like a Christmas dream in February. “It never normally snows this much in February,” Chris remarked, “must be snowing just for little Mika.” As if on cue, Mika have a high pitched squeal of joy. 

“He knows you’re talking about him.” Joked Yuuri in amusement as they continued to walk. 

Chris and Yuuri continued their little catch-up slash life advice for hours, until it eventually began to get dark. 

“We should head home.” Yuuri said as he admired the now-sleeping toddler in his carrier. 

“Need me to walk you back?” Chris offered, but Yuuri shook his head. 

“It’s okay, I know the way. Thanks for the catch up, it was nice to have someone to talk to.” Yuuri thanked Chris as they stopped at a bus stop, preparing to part ways. 

“No problem. You have my number if you ever want another coffee and a chat.” Chris reassuringly squeezed Yuuri’s shoulder. “See you soon.” 

“Yeah, I guess I’ll see you around.” Yuuri waves as Chris began to walk in the opposite direction. He was about to turn around when—

“Yuuri?” 

“Hmm?” 

“Good luck with Worlds. And Victor.” Yuuri chuckled. 

“Thanks, Chris.” Yuuri watched Chris turn around and leave once more. “Come on baby, let’s get back to the apartment. We need to get you bathed and fed.” Yuuri made his way back through the Champery town centre, feet crunching in the snow as they headed back to the apartment. 

Yuuri truly felt better about himself after having some advice off Chris. Finally there was someone who had faith in him as well as in Victor. And maybe it sounded silly to need to be validated, but Yuuri could feel the weight lift off his shoulders. Not only that, but being a single parent and a full time competitive figure skater living away from home put a lot of strain on Yuuri, so just having a friend to confide in released some tension from him. 

As they went about their night time routine all Yuuri could think about was Victor and what his role in their night routine would be. Maybe Victor would prefer to bathe and change him while Yuuri fed him. They would kiss Mika good night together, tell him that they love him very much, and tuck him into bed. Though, knowing Victor, he would prefer to hold him and fall asleep with him. The workload would be halved too, but hey, Yuuri had no problem juggling everything Mika needed. He just wished he could share this with Victor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> An update on how Victor is doing  
> Yuuri deal with his own conflicts as Worlds is fast approaching.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor is trying to pick himself back up.  
> Yuuri is dealing with his own conflicts, and it isn't long until Worlds comes about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO WE ARE BOTH SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT FEW CHAPTERS Y'all might be lucky and they'll come out faster HAHAHA

Victor had not phoned or texted anyone back. His phone had been off the grid for over a month. At first he was fine, and then one day, he just wasn’t. It was like he’d dropped off the face of the earth. It had been two weeks since anyone had heard from Victor. Lilia, on her own initiative, went to make sure he was okay. Victor was just there, on the sofa, staring into space. 

“Vitya.” Victor’s head shot up. It was like he hadn’t even heard her come in. “Vitya, you can’t do this to yourself.” She said as she stood in front of him. 

“I’m okay.” But Victor’s face said anything but okay. His skin was dry, hair slightly messy, and his face was red, like he’d been crying. 

“No you aren’t. I think it’s within your best interest to start seeing a therapist again.” Lilia suggested, but Victor thought otherwise. 

“I’m fine!” He snapped, and Lilia just rolled her eyes before sitting down next to him. 

“You of all people know better than to pretend you don’t have a problem, or deny that you are not okay. Yuuri did the same, once, and it began to affect you. It continued, and it got to the point where you couldn’t help him anymore.” She said through gritted teeth. Victor was just so stubborn. “You know that not accepting that you have a problem does not make it disappear. It makes things worse.” She was right, Victor thought. That’s exactly what happened to Yuuri. Yuuri… Victor had nothing to say to that because she was correct. Maybe he did need help. But first, he needed space. “This has happened to you before. Not only to Yuuri, but to you. Unless you don’t remember almost literally jumping to your death.” She gritted our harshly. It was the bitter truth. “Do you not remember when you couldn’t eat? When you would throw up everything you tried to swallow? Because I do and believe me, it wasn’t pretty.” 

“I don’t care what happens to me.” He shot back. “It doesn’t turn back all my mistakes and it doesn’t bring Yuuri back so… why should I care.” Victor’s heart ached when those words came out. “Please. I just need some space to think.” He quietly pleaded. “I just want to get myself together and move on. There’s no point dwelling on someone who’s made it clear that you aren’t welcome.” Tears began to fall from Victor’s eyes as he sniffled, dabbing his eyes dry. “I’ll be okay after some time. I just want to get myself together.” Lilia sighed heavily. 

“Don’t let this go on for too long, Victor.” She ran her fingers through his hair, now dull and messy before standing up to leave. “You need help.” Victor heard the lock click behind him as Lilia left. 

He thought about what she’d said with regards to Yuuri, and he thought about how quickly things spiralled out of control. It took Yuuri four months. A mere four months before Victor truly could do nothing to help him. And that four months… Victor waited for so long for Yuuri to accept his help but his efforts were fruitless. And it ended in divorce. 

Was this how Yuuri felt? When things started spiralling downwards was this what went through Yuuri’s head too? About how Victor wouldn’t care anyway. About how Victor had missed the first signs of Yuuri’s deteriorating mental state by shooting them down with “just be happy,” or similar. If Victor didn’t care then, why would he care now? Pieces of the puzzle were finally beginning to fall into place.  
———————————————————————  
It was but a few weeks later that Lilia got a phone call from Yuuri. Curious, she answered. 

“Yuuri? How are you and Mika? Are you both okay?” Lilia asked as she picked up Yuuri’s call. 

“We’re both fine. But umm… Victor… c-can you see how he is? Please?” He bit his lip, his hands cold and shaking as he waited for a response. 

“Yuri told you, didn’t he? That Victor hasn’t been coming to the rink.” 

“He did.” 

“I’ll check on him.” She promised with a smile. 

“Thank you.” Yuuri let out a sigh of relief. 

“Yuuri?” 

“Hmm?” 

“You still care about him, don’t you?” It was more of a statement than a question. Yuuri hesitated to answer. His heart thumped, his face red as he answered. 

“I do.” Yuuri mumbled in admittance. 

“I’ll let you know how he is.” Lilia promised once more, much to Yuuri’s relief. 

“Thank you, Lilia.”  
———————————————————————  
Everyone who knocked on his door was just told to “go away,” unless it was the delivery man with takeaway every three days. The last time he’d opened the door to anyone who wasn’t the delivery guy was for Mila to look after Makkachin but other than that, everyone else had been aggressively turned away, even Yakov. But now, it was at Yuuri’s request that Lilia made sure he was okay.

Lilia had had enough. She had given Victor space but this was getting ridiculous. She rifled through her handbag, pulling out her spare set of keys. She unlocked the door and walked in. 

Plastic bottles, takeaway tubs, an empty wine bottle and glasses were scattered all over the floor. The penthouse was a pigsty. Victor was on the sofa, hair disheveled, eyes dark and skin dull. 

“Vitya…” Lilia sighed heavily. She took the wine glass out of his hand and put it down. Victor was completely out of it. “This has gone on for too long. You need to see a therapist again.” She declared. Victor didn’t have anything to say. He just nodded. “When was the last time you ate?” Victor shrugged. “When was the last time you showered?” Victor shrugged again. 

“What’s the point?” The first words Victor had spoken for weeks. “No one would care if I ate or drank or whatever.” He mumbled. Lilia sat down next to him. “Why are you suddenly checking up on me anyway?” Victor sighed heavily as he readjusted himself on the sofa. At first, Lilia hesitated to answer. 

“Yuuri. He wanted to know you’re okay.” 

“Tell him I’ll be back at the rink soon enough.” Victor mumbled as he stared at the window, eyes lost in space. 

“Not that Yuri.” She clarified. Lilia watched Victor’s eyes widen and the flicker of life return to his eyes before it faded. Victor’s face softened again.

“Oh.” Victor sighed heavily. 

“You are not okay. I’m going to find you a therapist and just this once you will not disobey me.” It took Victor a moment to process. It was Yuuri who wanted Lilia to see how he was. The same Yuuri who told him to leave him alone, but also the same Yuuri he still loves. Victor broke down in tears. 

“What’s wrong with me?” He asked through tears and gritted teeth as he looked up at Lilia with dark, teary eyes. Lilia heavily sighed as Victor cried into his hands. 

“We’re going to find out.” Lilia promised. “I don’t think you should stay here. Come on, pack up your stuff. There’s no way I’m letting you stay here alone.” Victor forced himself up off the sofa, knees and hips clicking as he willed his numb muscles to move. He looked around at the apartment – Victor could hardly recognise his own home. Where was the last place that even felt like home? The place was absolutely trashed and he hadn’t even bothered to care about it until now. 

Lilia was right, Victor needed help.  
———————————————————————  
Even after talking with Chris Yuuri still had his doubts. What if they couldn’t make it work between them? Yuuri was desperate to work things out with Victor, for Mika’s sake especially. But what if it couldn’t work? Yuuri’s worst fear was that Victor would try to take Mika away from him. After all, Victor earned more money than he did, Victor was more mentally stable than he was, and Mika would be safer not travelling across the world every few weeks. Losing Mika would be losing everything he has. 

But at the same time, Yuuri knew that Victor loved Mika with all his heart. He could see it from the moment Victor first laid eyes on Mika. What if what Chris said was true? Was Victor still in love with him? Yuuri couldn’t even see how that was possible but… as Chris said, Victor is unpredictable. How could Victor still be in love with someone as awful and damaging as Yuuri? Yuuri couldn’t understand. Everything about this was just so confusing. 

“Yuuri?” Stephane pulled Yuuri away from his thoughts. “Is something on your mind?” He asked as Yuuri realised he was staring into space. 

“Kind of…” Yuuri sighed as he got off the ice and sat down. 

“Anything I can help with?” Yuuri shook his head. 

“No, it’s okay. I’ll… I’ll speak to Dr. Strauss about it when I see her on Saturday.” Yuuri smiled softly as he took a sip of water. “I guess as Worlds gets closer I just… I’m just scared.” He sighed heavily. “Mainly about Victor. I’m worried and scared.” He mumbled. 

“Chris says there’s no way Victor wouldn’t forgive me and if he were the same Victor he was when we first got married I would agree. But he’s a totally different person now and… just not knowing who it really is I’ll be talking to scares me so much.” Yuuri took a deep, shaky breath as he tried to calm his nerves. “So I guess… I’m just going to talk to Dr. Strauss about it.” 

“Yeah. You know, I’m glad there’s someone else you can talk to. It must be boring talking about your life to me.” Stephane joked, pulling a smile from Yuuri. 

“No, it’s not. I don’t mind talking about my life to you. If anything it’s probably you who finds me boring.” Yuuri chuckled. “But yeah, I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens.” 

“For now, focus on that gold medal. Come on.” Stephane stood up, leading a now smiling Yuuri back onto the ice. “We’ll go back over your free, rearrange the elements, then go from there.” Yuuri nodded, and took his position on the centre of the ice. 

Yuuri’s free was much smoother than it had been just after the final. The step sequence had been changed, and jumps had been rearranged. Since he had a new feeling for both the free and the short, there had to be changes to fit the new mood. Stephane watched Yuuri skate, recording and taking notes so they could continue to work on it. 

Practice ended just as Yuuri for a phone call. It was Lilia. 

“How is he?” Yuuri asked as soon as he answered the phone. 

“Not good.” Yuuri’s heart thumped as he squeezed his phone. “But he knows that. He’s going to see a therapist this week so you don’t have to worry.” He let out a sigh of relief, and even smiled a little. 

“Thank you, Lilia.” He chuckled as Lilia went on about something to the likes of “he never listens to anyone but you,” which made Yuuri’s heart pound. 

“If that is all, I’ll see you at Worlds.” 

“Yeah. Thank you, Lilia.” He put the phone down with a relieved face before turning his attention to Mika. “Come on, baby. Let’s get home.”  
———————————————————————  
Victor’s leg trembled nervously as he sat outside the therapist’s office. He almost wanted to stand up and leave – he just felt so weak. But then he remembered why he was here. Victor was here because Yuuri made Lilia sort himself out. It almost made Victor laugh, how even after everything, Yuuri could still be so caring of Victor. Yuuri was still the same warm, kind hearted soul he was when they first met, when they first dated, when they said their wedding vows. 

Victor was finally beginning to understand how Yuuri felt those last few months of their marriage. He was finally beginning to understand why Yuuri refused to acknowledge that he needed help – it made him feel vulnerable and fragile, more than his anxiety already made him feel. And suddenly Victor felt worse. Now that he could understand Yuuri, it made him feel awful. Yuuri must have felt so betrayed when the person he relied on, who was supposed to love him unconditionally and always support him left him. 

“Victor Nikiforov?” Victor was called through, and he followed who he assumed was, his new therapist. “Please, have a seat.” He took a deep breath, and sat down. “I’m Dr. Romanova. It’s nice to meet you.” She gave him a friendly smile as she sat down. 

“Victor. Victor Nikiforov.” Victor made himself comfortable on the chair. “Nice to meet you too.” 

“So, Victor, tell me a bit about yourself.” She opened the cover of her clipboard, and picked up a pen.

“I’m thirty one, and a retired figure skater. Currently I’m a coach. Umm… I have a son, Mika, who’s currently almost a year and a half.” Victor said as he tried to think of what else to say. 

“Tell me about Mika.” And now, Victor really didn’t know what to say. 

“I… I don’t know much about him.” Victor shamefully admitted. “I was married, but about two years ago we got a divorce and… it turns out my husband was pregnant. I didn’t know about Mika until two months ago.” Even now, as Victor sat in that chair, he could remember how Mika’s tiny hands felt in his, and how much he resembled Yuuri and himself. “He’s perfect. And as soon as I saw him I fell in love.” Victor could almost cry as he spoke about Mika. “I may not know much about him, but I do know that I love him with all my heart.” He smiled softly at the memory of Mika’s chubby face and heart shaped smile. “But I also know I won’t ever get a chance to see him again.” 

“And why is that?” Dr. Romanova queried with a raised eyebrow as she continued to listen and take notes. 

“When I last saw my ex I tried to talk to him three times.” Victor started. “The first time I was ignored. The second time he… he told me that sometimes he wished we never met and the third time he told me to leave him alone.” Victor recalled with tears in his eyes. “I guess he’s made it clear I’m not welcome.” Victor forced himself to not cry as he bit his lip, holding back tears. 

“How was your marriage?” 

“At first we were perfect.” Victor recalled. “Yuuri has always had a history of mental illness, and I accepted it. Depression, anxiety, I accepted all of it. I was okay with it. But then… during the last few months of our marriage something just seemed to change.” 

“How?” 

“Yuuri became really withdrawn. And I understood, or at least, I thought I did. There was a lot of pressure on him, not only to win, but also to fight past judges’ bias. Yuuri has never been great under pressure and everything was just taking such a huge toll on him.” Victor swallowed, before continuing. “He began to push me away and at first I didn’t know why but now… now I know it’s because I was never as supportive as I should have been.” 

“What makes you say that?” Victor was beginning to find these questions painful to answer, but he knew that nothing good would come of burying the answers. 

“He used to come to me when he was having a bad day, a day where anxiety took over. And I just told him he needed to get some air or just smile or something naïve along those lines. When he stopped talking to me about it I couldn’t understand. I always thought I’d tried my best to support him. It started to get out of control. Yuuri wouldn’t speak for hours to anyone. He would lash out and cry and dissociate and I didn’t know how I could help.” Victor needed to pause to control his tears, threatening to fall. 

“I tried to get him to see someone, to speak to someone, even if it wasn’t me. I encouraged him to just skip that season because it was putting too much pressure on him but he insisted he was okay. But I knew he wasn’t okay and eventually all the arguments, the dissociating, it began to affect me too. I could only smile for so long.” The next part made Victor’s heart physically hurt. “So I asked for a divorce. A-and I regret it every day of my life. I still regret it now.” 

“What are your goals for therapy, Victor?” Victor shrugged. It didn’t take long for Dr. Romanova to sense how lost Victor was, and get a feel for his mental state. 

“I guess… to just move on. To accept that the divorce happened and there’s nothing I can do to change that.” Victor was crying. Dr. Romanova passed him the box of tissues from the small coffee table, and he quietly thanked her as he dabbed his eyes dry. 

“Do you have any other goals?” She asked. 

“I want to go back to how I used to be.” Victor declared. “I want to be able to smile, enjoy my life, be carefree. I just find that nowadays… I can’t smile. I can’t talk to anyone, I can’t do anything.” Victor swallowed. “It got so bad that… for the past six weeks I’ve found myself unable to do anything.” Victor could feel himself beating himself up inside. He could feel doubts and insecurities rising – he’d never had those before. “I isolated myself. Pushed everyone away. I haven’t taken care of myself and it’s hard for me to admit but… I’ve had problems with eating before and I’m scared it will come back.” Victor felt so ashamed. He let himself become like this. 

“After the final… after being pushed away… I felt so lonely. I’d never been pushed away like that before, so aggressively. But it’s my own fault. It broke me, seeing him at the final with Mika. It completely broke me and I don’t know how to fix myself.” Victor started to cry again as he squeezed his fists tightly, tears streaming down his cheeks. But then he remembered something. “As shitty as everything made me feel… Yuuri he… he cared enough to ask someone to check on me. To make sure I was okay.”

“Have you had a problem with depression before?” Victor nodded. 

“Right after we divorced I… isolated myself for weeks and… it’s happening again.” Victor felt guilty for all the trouble he’d caused everyone – Lilia, Yakov, Yurio… Yuuri too. But in reality, he’d been so brave. Victor couldn’t see it, but he had been incredibly brave. “I did some things I’m not proud of…” 

“What were they?” 

“I would go out. Early in the morning to the ice rink and… practice my jumps until I collapsed. Until my legs were heavy and my whole body was bruised. I would either sleep for twelve hours straight or not sleep for three days straight. I would stare at our wedding photos and make myself feel angry and upset and hurt and… I’m not proud of it.” He thought back to his conversation with Lilia weeks ago, where she reminded him of how this had all happened before to him. It made him cringe at how careless he could be to let this happen again. “At first I really was healing and doing better but then… just seeing Yuuri again and being pushed away like that… I guess it sent me tumbling down again.” 

“We’ll take small steps at a time.” She reassured. “We’ll work at once goal at a time, taking it step by step, how does that sound?” Victor nodded. “For now, I recommend you come in twice a week. I’m also going to prescribe you with medium dosage antidepressants.” She said, scribbling down on a piece of paper and tearing it away from her notepad. “When are you free?” She asked, Now pulling out her diary. 

“Anytime.” Victor replied, still staring down at his lap. 

“Alright, then. Tuesdays at one thirty p.m, and Fridays at the same time. Is that okay?” Victor nodded. “Then… I’ll see you on Friday.” Victor looked up and… strangely, he felt some weight off his chest. 

“It’s been comforting talking to you.” He smiled softly. “See you on Friday.” Victor released a heavy sigh of relief as Dr. Romanova led him out of the door. Now, he had to process everything.  
———————————————————————  
“I’m scared.” Yuuri admitted. 

“Of what, Yuuri?” Dr. Strauss questioned as she watched Yuuri’s leg nervously bounce up and down. 

“I know Victor loves Mika so much. And I’m scared. What if he wants to take Mika away from me?” Yuuri bit his lip. “A-and I’m scared that if I see Victor again I— I might lose everything.” Just the thought of losing Mika brought tears to Yuuri’s eyes and nothing made him more terrified. 

“What makes you think that Victor would try to take Mika from you?” She asked. 

“He has more to offer. He can give Mika everything he wants and needs and more but I can’t. Victor earns more money than me, he’s more suitable as a parent than I am…” Yuuri just kept thinking up reason after reason why Victor was better than he was and it was eating away at him so badly. “Victor has a reason to want to ruin my life as much as I ruined his.” Yuuri had to pull a tissue from the tissue box to wipe his eyes dry. 

“You know, Victor cannot take Mika from you. You’re his birth mother. Not only that but you raised him alone for a year and a half.” She reasoned. “Plus, how do you know that Victor would have that kind of malicious intent?” 

“Because I hurt him. I really hurt him and he has every reason to want to hurt me too.” 

“But you don’t know that for sure, do you?” Yuuri thought for a moment. She was right. He didn’t know anything for sure. Yuuri shook his head. “Right. So for now, let’s just focus on how you would approach Victor when you see him and later, we can think about what would happen afterwards.” Yuuri took a deep breath, and nodded. 

“Close your eyes.” Yuuri leaned back a little on the chair and closed his eyes. “Now imagine. You’re holding Mika. You’ve just finished skating, and you’re on your way back to your hotel room. Victor is coming in the opposite direction. What would you say to him?” She asked. “Remember – you’re trying to be reasonable and calm. You want to ask him for coffee. To talk to him.” Yuuri took a deep breath. 

“Hey, Victor. C-can we… go for— go for a coffee?” Yuuri held his breath, playing the scenario over and over. 

“What would you say before that? Don’t forget to apologise for pushing him away last time.” Dr. Strauss encouraged, and Yuuri nodded. 

“V-Victor… I— I’m sorry for what I said to you… last time…” Yuuri had to pause for a split second to organise his thoughts. “C-can we get… get coffee together?” Even though this situation was all in his head, it didn’t stop Yuuri’s hands from sweating and his heart from racing. It all felt so real and to be honest, Yuuri felt terrified. He swallowed deeply, trying his best to keep himself calm. 

“Good. That’s good. Open your eyes.” Yuuri opened his eyes, and released a heavy breath. “How was that?” She asked, scribbling down some notes. 

“S-scary…” He panted heavily as his brain caught up to reality. 

“We can work on it. For now, I’ve renewed your prescription for the anti-depressants and anxiety medication. I haven’t renewed your anti-psychotics because I don’t think you need them but, I will prescribe them again if I think you do. How does that sound?” Dr. Strauss asked, tearing the paper from her pad as Yuuri sat up. Yuuri nodded. 

“Y-yeah. Yeah, that sounds good.” He gave her a soft smile. 

“You’re doing really well, Yuuri.”  
———————————————————————  
Victor’s therapy sessions had been going on for about three weeks now. 

“Welcome back, Victor. How do you feel today?” Dr. Romanova asked as Victor took a seat. 

“Good.” He replied with a smile. “I managed to get back to the rink and… I think things are returning to normal. Or… as close to normal as they can get.” Victor commented. 

“That’s good to hear.” She said with an encouraging smile. “We’re still working on getting you back into a routine. Have you been following the diet plan that was recommended to you?” Victor nodded. “Do you feel better about it?”

“Even if my head doesn’t my body at the very least appreciates the diet.” Victor mused with a soft chuckle. 

“Have you been taking your medication too?” Victor nodded again. 

“I don’t feel much better but I feel like I can push myself to do things now. Like I said I managed to get back to the rink and it’s taken my mind off a lot of things.” Victor mentioned as Dr. Romanova picked up her pen. 

“Do you still feel the same way about Yuuri?” Victor hesitated. 

“I don’t know… I know I want to speak to him but I also know that… maybe it’s best if I don’t.” Victor bit his lip. “Maybe I should just leave him alone like he asked and just try to move on.” He released a heavy, troubled sigh, shifting in his seat. 

“But do you think you could move on without answers to your questions?” And again, Victor hesitated. He liked to think that yes, he could, but realistically he knew that if he didn’t ask questions and speak to Yuuri it would plague him forever. 

“No… I don’t think I could ever fully move on.” Victor admitted with a gulp as he squeezed the arms of the seat. “I’m still clinging to this hope that Yuuri might want to talk to me. I mean… he cared enough to ask someone how I was a few weeks back and… maybe I’m being optimistic.” Victor sighed heavily because he of all people, knew that hope just breeded eternal misery.

“It’s good that you’re optimistic. I’ll tell you what, we’ll start there, then. Start with trying to talk to Yuuri.”  
———————————————————————  
“One week, Yuuri. Let’s get this loop landed.” With determined motivation, Yuuri took off again, landing perfectly, but, it was under rotated. “Another quarter turn, just a bit higher.” 

“Yes, coach.” And again, Yuuri jumped. This time, high enough, with enough rotations, but he slipped out. 

“We have all the components needed to make a successful loop. We just have to put them all together. Take a break, and we’ll look at the footage to see what went wrong.” Yuuri nodded. Panting, he skated to the edge of the ice and stepped off, snapping his guards into place. 

“Hey, baby.” He cooed as he smiled at Mika and sat down. Yuuri picked Mika out of the carrier and sat him on his lap as they waited for Stephane to plug the camera into his laptop. Stephane took a seat next to Yuuri. 

“Take a look at this.” Stephane had slowed down the footage of Yuuri’s loop attempts. “This first one, almost everything is perfect but, your take off didn’t have enough power. You could only fit in three and three quarters rotations.” Yuuri sighed heavily. “And in this try, you slipped out on the landing. So. We’re gonna try again, and see if you can nail it.” Stephane encouraged as he closed the lid to the laptop. 

“Yes, coach.” Yuuri gulped down half a bottle of water before replacing Mika back into his carrier. “Alright, baby, mommy’s gotta get back on the ice.” He crooned as little Mika gave him a quiet “a-bai amma!” which just melted Yuuri’s heart all over again. Yuuri gave him a quick kiss on the forehead before getting back on the ice. 

Yuuri had felt much better since seeing a therapist and Stephane could tell by his performance in practice. He could feel his self esteem rising, his confidence coming back. Yuuri’s mood was just… better. His anxiety still dominated his mind and his depression still came in episodes but generally, it was looking up for him. Yuuri just hoped it could stay that way through Worlds, and he wouldn’t come crashing down again.  
———————————————————————  
“One week, Yurio. One week!” Victor called across the rink as Yurio ran through his short program. Victor’s irritable mood had improved dramatically and while he didn’t feel… the same as he used to, it was still a huge improvement from two months ago. “Take a break and we can go through the free again.” Victor instructed. He opened the notebook where he kept his choreography notes and he couldn’t help but flick back at the notes he’d written for the very last program he ever choreographed for Yuuri. 

Feelings were coming back. He remembered this program so well, probably because it was one of the last fragments Victor had remaining of his life with Yuuri. He looked at all the combinations, the jumps and the step sequences. He couldn’t stop thinking about just how beautiful Yuuri’s skating was. Or how beautiful Yuuri was. Even now, even after everything, Victor could see nothing but good in Yuuri. Victor was, and always will be, in love with Yuuri. With a heavy sigh, he shut the notebook. 

Dr. Romanova had said Victor was improving well. He was sticking to the diet plan, he was taking his medication, he was getting out of the house more. It was easy enough to push everything to the back of his mind but when he really thought about it, he still missed Yuuri just as much as he did when they divorced, maybe even more. His heart still felt heavy with guilt, despite his therapist constantly telling him that it was not entirely his fault. Victor still felt awful about it. It was easy enough to look okay and say he was okay but to truly feel good? That was a whole other story that Victor had yet to venture into. 

Next week, he would be flying out to Boston for Worlds. Victor would see Yuuri again, and Mika and for the love of God Victor hoped he wouldn’t crumble and he prayed to any deity that would listen to please, let him talk to Yuuri. Victor just wanted answers. He just wanted to know more about Mika and then after that if Yuuri truly, in his heart, did not want to talk to him then Victor would leave him alone for good. And never look back.  
———————————————————————  
“Shh, baby. I know you’re tired.” Yuuri crooned as he kissed Mika’s forehead. It was currently close to five a.m, and Stephane, together with Yuuri and Mika, had boarded their flight to Boston, Massachusetts for Worlds no more than an hour ago. Mika was in a really sour mood, but who could blame him? He’d barely gotten three hours of sleep after having developed a cough and a runny nose during the night. Despite how lethargic he was feeling, Mika didn’t get so much as a wink of sleep. 

Yuuri hushed Mika quiet, rocking him in his arms in an attempt to soothe his ratty mood. Sleep must have caught up to Mika, who quickly fell asleep against his mother’s chest. Once Mika had calmed down and fallen asleep, Yuuri strapped him back into the cot and sat back in his seat. 

“I hope he wakes up feeling less ratty.” Yuuri mused when he sat back down. 

“Well you did wake him up three hours after he finally managed to sleep.” Stephane chuckled, and Yuuri sighed. 

“Yeah, hopefully sleep will catch up to him soon.” 

There were six hours left until they arrived in Boston, and one day left before the World Championships officially began. Yet, none of that was what plagued Yuuri’s mind. Yuuri’s heart pounded at the thought of seeing Victor again. Even after all this time, Yuuri could feel his heart swell and his face turn red at the thought of Victor. Even after all they had been through, Victor was always going to be the one with Yuuri’s heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:  
> Victor and Yuuri arrive in Boston  
> Yuuri skates his short program  
> He comes face to face with Victor and they both have to consult the therapy sessions filed away in their subconscious minds.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri skates his short program at Worlds.  
> The pair are just a little more than overwhelmed, but maybe Yuuri can pluck up the courage to speak to Victor. Properly, without panicking.

A few hours into their flight Yuuri heard Mika grumble and groan. He stood up, peering over the edge of the cot to see that Mika had flipped onto his stomach. With a soft chuckle, Yuuri gently turned him back onto his back, pulling his blanket back over him. As he was pulling away, Mika grasped his finger in his tiny hand and Yuuri’s heart thumped. He smiled softly, bringing his lips to kiss Mika’s tiny fingers. Yuuri waited until Mika released his fingers, turning to face the wall before he sat back down. 

Mika slept a few more hours before Yuuri woke him up to eat, yet much to his dismay, Mika turned away from the spoon full of porridge.  
“What’s wrong, baby? Hmm? Come on, you have to eat something.” Yuuri sighed as he tried to coax Mika to eat. “Come on, baby.” He cooed, yet much to Yuuri’s dismay, Mika turned his head away. “Just one bite.” 

It took Yuuri many, many attempts to get Mika to eat and eventually, Mika took the porridge bite by bite. It didn’t take long for him to fall back asleep against Yuuri’s shoulder. Not wanting to wake him, Yuuri let him sleep on his shoulder. Mika’s tiny hands fisted Yuuri’s shirt, holding on tightly as he tucked his head under Yuuri’s chin. It was so precious to have Mika pressed against his chest like this. The feel of Mika’s heart beat against Yuuri’s chest made his heart swell with adoration. He smiled down at his infant, kissing the top of his head. 

Yuuri relaxed with Mika against his chest. Tomorrow would be the day of the short program. Yuuri wondered if Victor was going to stay and watch him skate but there was just this nasty feeling eating him from the inside that Victor wouldn’t care enough to stick around and watch. Yuuri just hoped Victor cared enough to stick around for Mika, even if not for him. 

When the time came to replace Mika back in his cot for landing, Yuuri found his shoulder pretty numb and achy, yet he couldn’t find it in him to be annoyed about that at all. Once he’d tucked and strapped Mika back into his cot, he sat back down, stretching his arm and shoulder at the same time. 

“You alright?” Stephane asked as he strapped in. 

“Yeah. Mika just made my shoulder a bit numb.” Yuuri chuckled with a content sigh. 

When Yuuri, Mika, and Stephane arrived in Boston it was mid afternoon – their first flight to New York came in late, causing them to miss their last connecting flight to Boston. When they finally made it to Boston, Mika was a groggy, tired mess. He couldn’t stop fussing and grumbling all the way to the hotel as he slept. He was constantly shifting and tossing around in his carrier, as if he were uncomfortable. 

“I’m going to put Mika down for a nap, he can barely keep his eyes open.” Yuuri said when they arrived and checked into the hotel. 

“Okay. We didn’t make it in time for public practice but I think you’ll be just fine tomorrow.” Stephane smiled as they got into the lift. Yuuri nodded. The lift ascended and they got out at their floor.

“I think I feel much more confident about it.” Yuuri smiled as he unlocked his door, pushing his suitcase in. “So I think I’ll be fine with just going over one or two elements in the six minute warm up. Cutting it close, but I can do it.” Yuuri, for once, had genuine faith in himself. 

“I think so too. But if you do think you need to practice, gimme a knock on the door and we can just go.” Yuuri nodded. 

“Yeah, I’ll let you know. See you later.” 

“See you later.” 

Yuuri stepped in and turned the lights on. He closed the door and put Mika and his carrier down on the bed before kicking his shoes off. Unstrapping Mika from his carrier, Yuuri laid him down in the cot and recovered him with his blanket with a soft sigh. Mika’s tossing and turning eventually calmed down, Yuuri noticed as he hovered over Mika’s crib. Once he was satisfied that Mika was comfortable, Yuuri gave Mika a kiss on the forehead and brought himself over to the bed, flopping straight down. The flight had him tired and jet lagged as he struggled to keep his eyes open. 

Yuuri had no idea how long he slept for, but he was suddenly awoken by shrieks and cries. He jolted it of bed and rushed over to Mika.  
“Baby, what’s wrong?” He picked Mika up, who instantly grasped onto his shoulder and neck, tucking his head under Yuuri’s chin. Mika continued to cry and cry. Yuuri laid back down on the bed and held Mika against his body. “It’s okay, baby.” Yuuri cooed as Mika instantly calmed down against his mother’s chest. 

Yuuri sighed softly as his hand ran up and down Mika’s back soothingly. Yuuri chuckled as Mika drooled against his neck and shoulder and he reached for a packet of tissues on the bedside table, gently wiping his chin. Mika babbled and gurgled against Yuuri’s shoulder, shifting away as Yuuri tried to wipe his chin. “Let me wipe your chin, baby, good boy.” Mika eventually fell back asleep. Once Yuuri was satisfied that Mika was asleep, he laid Mika down in the middle of his bed and prepared to take a quick shower. 

Yuuri stood under the scalding water, his mind going over what it was he wanted to say to Victor, as if it were a script. He was so nervous and scared. There was a lot he wanted to say to Victor, and Yuuri could already feel tears. This conversation with Victor was going to end in tears, no matter the outcome. Victor still invoked feelings in Yuuri. Victor still made his knees weak and his face pink and his heart race. Yuuri hoped that he still had that effect on Victor too.  
———————————————————————  
Since the final Yuuri had a change of costume for his short program. This one was a pale, sky blue, decorated with bugle glass beads and Swarovski crystals in various tones of blues and whites and silvers. The pattern of the beads was reminiscent of snowflakes, Yuuri thought. 

Yuuri was the second to last skater, before JJ. He came out from behind the curtain and made his way towards Stephane and Mika. Mika was asleep, earmuffs on, little hat and gloves on, covered in his blanket. He gave his sleeping son a quick kiss on the forehead, tucking the blanket just a bit higher. Yuuri’s eyes scanned the rink – and there, on the opposite side of the rink, was a head of platinum hair. Yuuri gulped. He couldn’t help but stare – in fact, he hadn’t even realised he was staring. 

But he did notice when that platinum head of hair turned and cerulean eyes caught his own. Yuuri’s heart leapt. He could feel blood rising to his face and he managed to hold Victor’s gaze for just a second, and in that second, there was a flicker of— of something in Victor’s dark eyes. The moment was short lived when Victor turned away again, leaving Yuuri feeling deflated and even less hopeful than he already was. 

***  
Victor could feel… something, a burning gaze at the back of his head. He turned around and gorgeous, chocolate eyes were staring straight at him. He’d recognise those eyes anywhere – no one had more beautiful eyes than Yuuri. His hands were trembling nervously beneath leather gloves as he held Yuuri’a gaze for a split second before it felt like too much. Yuuri did wild things to Victor’s heart – he could feel his heart beating, almost coming up his throat as he stared at Yuuri. Victor’s attention was quickly pulled away by Yakov, who made a comment about his obvious staring.

Victor took a deep breath. “I’m going to the bathroom.” Victor stepped behind the curtain, just as the skaters were called to begin the six minute warm up. Racing to the bathroom, Victor stood in front of the mirror, staring at his flustered, red face. With a deep sigh, he turned the taps on and splashed his face with cold water, cooling his face as well as his nerves. With a deep breath, Victor swallowed down two pills with a gulp of water. He gave himself another look in the mirror, calming himself down before reemerging from the bathroom. 

***  
Yuuri watched as Victor turned and left the arena, right before the six minute warm up. That said a lot about how much Victor wanted to talk to him – the fact that he’d leave the arena just as Yuuri was about to step on the ice broke his heart. 

“We would like to invite the following skaters to the six minute warm up; Yuri Plisetsky of Russia, Jean-Jaques LeRoy of Canada, Phichit Chulanont of Thailand, Guang Hong Ji of China, Leo de la Iglesia of the United States Of America, and Yuuri Katsuki of Japan.” 

“Remember, no jumps during the warm up. Go through your step sequence.” Stephane gave him an encouraging smile and Yuuri nodded. Yuuri didn’t have time to dwell on Victor. He kissed Mika once more, plastered on a fake smile, and stepped onto the ice. Then, the six minute timer started. He took a quick lap around the ice. He went through the step sequence in the second half of the program, which was slightly more intricate than the first half. It was new too, completely replaced from the old step sequence. Yuuri’s strong step sequence always scored him the highest presentation marks. This gold medal was going to be his. 

Yuuri stepped off the ice and took a gulp of water, watching as Leo took the ice. Yuuri was watching Leo skate when Victor came back into the arena. Yuuri wondered where he had been for the last fifteen minutes. Yuuri smiled softly – hopefully Victor would stay long enough to watch him skate. 

“He’s beautiful…” Yuuri thought as he stared at Victor from across the arena. Victor at the moment, had his attention focussed on the ice, probably where Yuuri’s attention should have been focussed too. But Yuuri couldn’t help it. He was drawn to Victor like a magnet. 

“Are you okay, Yuuri?” Yuuri almost jumped out of his skin as Stephane put his hand on his shoulder. 

“You scared me.” Yuuri sighed with a faint laugh. “Yeah.” He said. “I’m fine.” Yuuri smiled softly as he sighed heavily. “I guess I’m just a little distracted. I’ll be okay.” Stephane nodded. 

“Sure.” He sat back down next to Mika, keeping a close eye on him. 

The skaters took the ice one by one; Leo, then Phichit, Guang, and Yurio and soon enough, it was Yuuri’s turn to skate. Just as Yurio’s program had ended, Mika began to stir and cry. Yuuri thought it was strange – Mika normally slept well through the competitions. His gaze flickered between Yurio and Mika. 

“Stephane—“ 

“I’ll take him out, don’t worry.” He smiled reassuringly and Yuuri sighed in relief. “You just focus on skating. We’ll be back when Mika calms down.” Stephane said as he picked Mika’s carrier up. 

“Thanks, coach.” Yuuri said, giving Stephane a hug before taking the ice. 

“You’ll be great.” Stephane stuck around until Yuuri took his starting position before leaving the noisy arena with Mika.

Yuuri watched Stephane and Mika leave behind the curtain as he took his starting position before pulling his focus back to the ice. He glanced around the room and Victor caught his eye. Victor, stood by the barriers, glistening blue eyes staring straight at Yuuri. Taking a deep breath, he felt for the [music.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLQl3WQQoQ0)

Since the final Yuuri had been able to skate to this with a changed attitude. At first it was meant to be a bittersweet piece, one that represented all that Yuuri had lost, and everything he could never have again. But now, after a fresh start in Switzerland, and even a slightly better mindset Yuuri found himself less focused on the element of loss and in fact, maybe one could say he saw this as more of a program about acceptance. 

But at the same time Yuuri was still holding on to a shred of hope that Victor would care enough about Mika to let Yuuri in. There were so many unresolved, bitter feelings between them and every day they would eat at Yuuri’s conscience so if he could have one chance to talk to Victor, he’ll take it. 

“Never mind I’ll find someone like you,  
I wish nothing but the best for you too.” 

“But I won’t.” Yuuri thought as he jumped. “There’ll never be anyone who even comes close to Victor.” Yuuri found himself constantly looking for Victor at the barriers and just as Victor had promised him years ago, his gaze stayed trained on Yuuri. 

“Sometimes it lasts in love,  
But sometimes it hurts instead.” 

“Ours hurt, didn’t it? Vitya.” Yuuri sighed as he prepared to take off on a quadruple salchow. “It was painful, and we both got hurt.” Yuuri almost slipped out of his salchow, but he just managed to save it. He clicked his tongue and sighed – that was definitely going to be a negative grade of execution. 

“We were born and raised,  
In a summer haze bound by the surprise,  
Of our glory days…” 

“Do you think we had any glory days?” Yuuri thought. “Because I did.” Yuuri jumped a triple flip-double toe combination, the clapping and cheering from the crowd disrupted Yuuri’s thoughts, but it made him smile. 

“I hoped you’d see my face,  
And that you’d be reminded that for me  
It isn’t over.” 

“You know, for me it will never be over. But I don’t mind. Our little Mika makes me so happy.” He smiled softly as the sound of his blades under the music echoed through the arena. Out of the corner of his eye he could just about see the moment Stephane returned with a presumably quiet Mika. “I hope he’ll make you happy as well.” Yuuri’s back arched and his legs spread into an ina bauer. Yuuri knew Victor had a weak spot for his ina bauer and Yuuri hoped he still did. 

“Nothing compares no worries or cares,  
Regrets and mistakes their memories made.  
Who would have known how bittersweet  
This would taste.”

“We made a lot of those, didn’t we? Mistakes.” Yuuri thought with a mental sigh. “And it was definitely a bittersweet ending, too. Do you think we could change that?” At this point, Yuuri had already drowned out the audience, focussing solely on the program and… his thoughts too. 

But really, Yuuri did enjoy skating this piece. At the beginning of the season, it was a nightmare. Or rather, it brought up so many nightmares. However a few months down the season and a change of scenery later, Yuuri began to feel differently about it. And it was a huge wash of relief and achievement to finally feel good about something he was so proud of and worked so hard on. Yuuri’s triple axel was flawless, gaining a two point grade of execution. He smiled proudly to himself as he let out a sigh of relief, the cheer of the crowd ringing in his ears. 

Yuuri’s step sequence had so much feeling and power as his short program came to an end and this time, he felt genuinely content with his performance. With a big smile on his face, he stared straight in Mika’s direction, sweaty and red and panting before getting off the ice. He greeted Stephane at the barriers, who handed him his skate guards and some water. "Here." Stephane said, helping Yuuri into his jacket as they sat down at the kiss and cry.

"Yuuri Katsuki has earned in the short program one hundred and nine point five points. He is currently in first place." Yuuri smiled at his score, giving Stephane a hug. He was basking in his moment of glory when out of the corner of his eye he spotted Victor, preparing to leave the arena. 

“Stephane can you take care of Mika for a bit I’ll be back in a second.” Yuuri didn’t even wait for an answer. He scrambled off the bench and ran around the arena in skates, almost tripping over as he tried to catch up. 

***  
Victor had just gone behind the curtain. He was on his way to the bathroom to freshen up and sort his mind out. Victor wasn’t sure what to make of Yuuri’s short program – there was so much he didn’t understand. Yuuri’s attitude towards his short program had changed. At the final it was solemn and it felt lonely. It felt so full of heavy emotion but now, the air seemed to have cleared. The program felt lighter, despite the lyrics of the song and Victor didn’t know what to make of it. Did that mean Yuuri had moved on? 

Just as he was a few feet from the bathroom there was a voice behind him and oh, Victor would recognise that angelic voice anywhere. “Victor, wait!” That voice was in his dreams. He used to wake up to that voice. Victor sharply gasped, freezing on his feet. The one person he would give up everything for, his gorgeous Yuuri was behind him. 

There was a heavy thump of guarded blades on the floor, accompanied by deep breaths. And Victor thought he’d never hear that voice again. Victor’s heart skipped a beat. The love of his life was stood panting, just feet behind him. Yuuri chased after him and god, it did things to Victor’s heart. Slowly, he turned around. 

***  
Yuuri ran after Victor, or at least, as close to running as he could in skates. He had just reached the curtain and Victor was about to turn a corner. “Victor, wait!” He called, pausing on shaky legs. He waited and waited for Victor to turn around, Seconds passing by like anxious minutes. And then the figure ahead of him stopped in his tracks. Yuuri couldn’t even describe his relief when Victor stopped. He swallowed, biting his lip as he waited for Victor to do something, anything. What was two moments of silence just seemed to drag on for hours until Victor finally turned around. 

And god, even with those heavy dark circles and dull skin Victor was still breathtaking. He was still just as beautiful as Yuuri remembered. So much was running around in Yuuri’s head. He just stood and stared at Victor, legs trembling in his skates as he took a moment to just gaze. 

“Yuuri.” The look on Victor’s face was one of surprise. Shock, maybe even relief too. Yuuri swallowed. He could feel panic rising in his body, his chest tightening, as if he were suffocating. Yuuri opened his mouth but no words came out, just a squeak as he tried to say something. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. 

***  
Yuuri was stunning, even with sweat dripping down his red face and hair disheveled he was gorgeous. Victor would kiss him so hard if Yuuri allowed him to. Yuuri just stood there, staring at him as if he wanted to say something. Victor hoped Yuuri had something, anything to say. Maybe that thread of hope he’d cling onto for so long was not fruitless. Victor swallowed. 

“I—“ Yuuri started, taking a few slow steps towards Victor. Victor’s heart was racing. It still hadn’t registered that Yuuri was right in front of him. Or moreover, the fact that Yuuri had chased him out of the arena. And it was here where Victor really began to wonder what the true meaning behind Yuuri’s short program was and what Yuuri’s change of attitude towards it meant. Victor was struggling to comprehend this entire situation and it felt like his head was about to explode. 

***  
“I— I umm…” Yuuri could hardly form sentences. He didn’t even know what he wanted to say or where he wanted to start. His mouth was just stuck. Yuuri found himself struggling to organise his thoughts and more panic began to rise in his chest. Yuuri stared at Victor with big eyes, almost tearing up but he managed to keep himself together. Yuuri took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut. 

“I h-have a lot to say and… I don’t know where to start so…” Yuuri swallowed, but he forced himself to speak. “Tomorrow. At noon. There’s a café on the corner of North Street if…” and then Yuuri’s conscious thoughts kicked him quite literally in the head. What if Victor wanted nothing to do with him? Suddenly there was this huge, wavering feeling of fear coursed through his blood, more specifically, that fear of being rejected. Yuuri could feel his head filling with doubt, his mind telling him this was a terrible idea and even hoping that Victor would hear what he wanted to say was ridiculous. Despite his anxious thoughts, Victor gave Yuuri a genuine, soft smile. 

“I know which one.” He said. Yet Yuuri couldn’t feel any relief come over him – that wasn’t confirmation at all. “Will Mika…” Yuuri nodded, the corner of Victor’s lip turning up ever so slightly, calming his racing heart. 

“Mika… he deserves you. And… and you deserve him too.” Yuuri mumbled, gaze trained on the floor beneath him. “S-so if you could j-just hear me out and you never have to see me again I just want ten minutes of your time and I’ll—“ Yuuri found himself rambling and promptly cut himself off. 

“I… I have some things I want to say too.” Victor swallowed as Yuuri looked up from the floor. “And… I’d love to see Mika.” Victor’s face was content, hopeful even, Yuuri could see. 

That went much better than Yuuri had anticipated and for once he felt like those tears would’ve of happiness rather than frustration. He let out a relieved sigh, giving Victor a fond smile. 

“Okay.” He chuckled softly, and now, he couldn’t stop smiling. “I’ll… I’ll wait for you. Tomorrow.” Victor gave Yuuri an honest, genuine smile. It was one Yuuri didn’t think he’d ever see again. 

“Okay.” Yuuri stood, staring at Victor for a few seconds before his trembling legs took him back to the arena because holy shit. He just spoke to Victor. He spoke to Victor without panicking and without pushing him away. He made it back to the side of the ice just as JJ finished skating. Yuuri didn’t even realise how much he was shaking until Stephane commented. 

“Yuuri, you’re shaking. Are you okay?” Stephane commented as Yuuri sat down on the bench, taking a deep breath. Oh, his hands were quivering. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m— I’m fine.” Yuuri sighed, drowning out the announcement of JJ’s scores. “I’m okay. Overwhelmed I guess. I umm…” Yuuri bit his bottom lip, staring at the floor. “I’m seeing Victor… tomorrow.” 

“Oh. That’s great, isn’t it? Isn’t that what you wanted?” Stephane said he picked up Mika’s carrier and gestured for Yuuri to follow him out of the arena. 

“Yeah, I guess but…” Yuuri released another stressed sigh as his brow creased. “I just don’t know what to say.” Yuuri followed Stephane to a bench in the courtyard of the arena, and sat down next to him. “Or rather, I don’t know how to say what I want to say.” 

“It’s Victor.” Stephane reminded. “Your thoughts don’t have to be organised and you don’t have to have a checklist or a mind map of everything you want to say.” Stephane said reassuringly, giving Yuuri’s shoulder a comforting squeeze. “Say everything you want to say, all of it. Don’t forget to listen – Victor is probably in the same position too.” It occurred to Yuuri then that Yuuri had no idea what Victor was going to say either and Stephane was right – maybe Victor was freaking out as well. “And don’t forget to breathe.” Stephane chuckled, and Yuuri quietly laughed. 

“I forget to do that sometimes, don’t I?” Yuuri huffed in amusement and Stephane nodded. 

“And just remember, no matter what happens you’ll have said your piece.” Yuuri nodded. He sucked in a breath, holding it until he calmed down, before releasing it. “You’ll be okay.” Stephane smiled and for once, Yuuri just might believe he’d be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:  
> Both Victor and Yuuri have questions, things they want to say. Will they get to say them?  
> **I fucked up these notes and played myself AHAHAHAHAHA FUCK ME sorry about that**


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's about time Victor and Yuuri talked about everything, isn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'ALL SO LAST WEEK I FUCKED UP THE CHAPTER NOTES (but I did then fix them... hours later LMAO) SO UHH. I SUPPOSE IF YOU READ THEM YOU GOT THIS CHAPTER'S NOTES INSTEAD

Yuuri struggled to sleep. He spent the night tossing and turning, his head constantly fearing the worst of his meeting with Victor tomorrow. At about four a.m, he gave up trying to sleep and sat up. He pulled open the curtains in front of the window, staring out at the Boston skyline. With a soft sigh, he went over to the kettle on the desk and filled it with water. Yuuri tore open a packet, pulling out a herbal teabag to prepare a cup of tea for himself. Yuuri waited for the kettle to boil before pouring the water into the cup.

Yuuri went over to Mika’s cot, watching as he slept, jostling slightly as he flipped onto his front. Yuuri chuckled, running his finger up and down Mika’s exposed cheek. Yuuri chuckled, leaning in to kiss Mika’s head. He took a seat next to Mika’s cot, sipping slowly at his tea, watching the moon through the window. It was close to six a.m when suddenly, Mika started stirring and then, started crying. Yuuri instantly stood up, picking Mika up in his arms. 

“What’s wrong, baby? It doesn’t normally take you this long to settle into a new time zone.” Yuuri sighed softly as Mika cried into his shoulder, tiny hands clawing at his shoulder blades. Mika tucked his face into the crook of Yuuri’s neck and Yuuri could just feel Mika’s sourness. Yuuri sat down, still cradling Mika, who was sobbing his eyes out. 

Yuuri stood up and moved to the bed, lying down. He laid Mika down on his chest, running a comforting hand up and down his back as Mika eventually stopped crying. Yuuri let out a sigh of relief as Mika calmed down, his cries now reduced to quiet mumbles. 

“Is it all out of your system now, baby?” Yuuri chuckled as Mika grumbled against his chest, his hands grabbing fistfuls of his top. “You gonna tell me why you’ve been so cranky since we came to Boston?” Yuuri laughed as Mika’s eyes finally closed again. “You’ve really had a tough time this weekend, haven’t you?” Yuuri sighed softly, drawing soft shapes on the back of Mika’s head with his fingertip. “I’m sorry about that. For making it so… so difficult for you to settle down anywhere.” Yuuri quietly sighed as Mika fell back asleep on his chest. 

Once Mika was asleep again, Yuuri tugged the blanket over them, Mika’s body covered. Yuuri however, couldn’t fall asleep. With a fatigued huff, he watched as Mika slept soundly well into the morning.  
———————————————————————  
Victor was the first one to arrive at the café. He didn’t sleep at all. How could he? Victor felt sick to his stomach with fear. Victor was continuously going over what he was going to say to Yuuri. What did he even want to say? For starters, he knew he wanted to know every detail about Mika. Everything there was to know about his son, he wanted to know. Victor also wanted to apologise for being stubborn and ignorant and naïve. But how was he even going to do that? No apology could ever fix how broken Yuuri was. Or how devastated he had been.

Patiently, he waited for Yuuri. He constantly checked the time on his phone yet the minutes seemed to be passing so slowly. He stared out of the window, leg bouncing nervously as he watched for Yuuri. Victor couldn’t keep his eyes off the window. The bell on the door of the café rang, catching his attention. Turning his head, a slender, well-toned figure with a baby carrier in one hand caught his eye. Yuuri. Victor felt his heart race as Yuuri’s eyes scanned the room, landing on him. Victor caught his gaze for a split second – the tiny smile on Yuuri’s face that appeared for a fraction of a moment didn’t slip his eye. 

Yuuri came over, and sat down. 

“You came.” Yuuri’s voice was soft, almost relieved, as if he hadn’t expected Victor to show. 

***  
Yuuri was approaching the café on the corner. This was it. He just hoped Victor would show. Victor said there were things he wanted to say to Yuuri but a part of him still didn’t think that Victor was going to show up. He just had to go in and wait. So Yuuri, with Mika in hand, pushed open the door to the coffee shop. He took a heavy breath, and stepped in. 

His eyes scanned the room, either looking for a free space or… or a pair of turquoise eyes. And much to his relief, Yuuri caught the pair of turquoise eyes and damn, he couldn’t help it when they made him smile inside. “We’re going to see papa, baby. Are you excited?” He crooned with a fond smile to Mika. Yuuri’s legs were shaking like a deer in headlights, yet he forced himself to that table. Yuuri could feel his heart racing and goosebumps forming on his skin. Swallowing a lump in his throat, he stood at the table. 

“You came.” Yuuri felt so relieved when he saw Victor, yet so tense at the same time. 

“Of course I did.” Victor said with a huff breath, almost in amusement. Yuuri sat himself down on the big armchair next to Victor, putting Mika’s carrier on the floor next to him. Yuuri unstrapped Mika, stirring him from his nap. 

“Sorry, baby.” Yuuri cooed, picking up a very tired Mika and sat him in his lap. Mika’s little elephant was being tugged in his hands as he instantly cuddled up to Yuuri’s body, closing his eyes again. “I didn’t doubt that you were gonna come but… I guess there was just something inside me that thought ‘what if he doesn’t come?’” Yuuri sighed softly as he held Mika against his body. 

“I was terrified of coming to see you today.” Victor admitted. “I was scared that you… maybe you were going to have second thoughts a-and you weren’t going to come.” Victor sighed, biting his lip. “I was also really scared of what you were going to say. Or rather, what I was going to say. I didn’t, and still don’t know where to start.” Victor could see the way Yuuri prickled up at that. “But Mika. What is he like?” Yuuri chuckled slightly, and as if on cue, groggy little Mika fully woke himself up. “Amma…” He mumbled, gazing up at Yuuri. “He speaks.” Victor chuckled, his heart warming as he stared at Mika. 

“Only about four words – ‘mama’, and ‘I love you’. Kind of.” Yuuri chuckled. “Would you like to hold him?” Yuuri offered and the way Victor’s face lit up… he could light the whole world with his smile. Yuuri passed Mika over to Victor, who sat him on his lap. Yuuri smiled gently as he watched Victor fawn over Mika, holding him against his body as Mika babbled and gurgled cutely in his lap. “He can’t sleep without his elephant. It was a gift from Lilia. He normally entertains himself, spends a lot of time sleeping.” Yuuri smiled down at his little son. “He’s very good. Hardly cries, but at the moment, he’s having some teething issues so he’s a bit irritable. On top of a new time zone and travelling, at the moment he’s a little cranky. Other than that he’s very much like you.” Yuuri commented. “He smiled at anything and everything, he acts like you, looks like you.” Yuuri laughed gently. 

“Aww, you inherited all the cute things from me.” Victor crooned, gently stroking Mika’s cheek. 

“Victor… a-are you… are you angry at me?” Yuuri dared to ask. “F-for keeping Mika away?” Yuuri couldn’t look at him. He stared down at his lap, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. 

“I was at first.” Yuuri’s head whipped up, gazing at Victor with big eyes, almost teared up. “But then I realised that… I pushed you away. I made it so that you couldn’t tell me.” Victor’s hands pulled Mika that much closer to his chest. “It was my fault that you didn’t have it in you to tell me. So… I’m not mad. I was upset for a really long time that you never told me, but… not mad.” Yuuri let out a heavy sigh of relief, one that he didn’t even realise he’d been holding. 

“I’m sorry.” Yuuri bit his lip, fighting back tears. “I’m so sorry for not telling you about Mika.” Yuuri cried, burying his face in his hands. “I should have realised how important it was for you to— to know about Mika. And for Mika to have you too.” Victor pulled a tissue from his jacket pocket and passed it over to Yuuri. 

“Yuuri,” Victor gently squeezed Yuuri’s arm. “The important thing is that we both know now.” Victor smiled. 

“But f-for so long I— I didn’t tell you anything.” Yuuri sobbed, dabbing his eyes dry. 

“But Yuuri, look. I’m holding him now.” Victor reassured. “Isn’t that more important than anything?” And oh god… even now, even after all this time Victor still knew how to make Yuuri feel better. How to make his worries go away. “He’s in my lap. He’s sat in my lap, pulling at my shirt.” Victor almost chuckled – he would have, if Yuuri weren’t crying. “It doesn’t matter that you didn’t tell me about Mika before. What matters is that he’s here now. He’s grabbing my shirt, look, he’s drooling all over it.” Victor laughed, this time, hoping to pull a smile from Yuuri. “So Yuuri. It’s okay.” 

“A-are you sure you… you aren’t angry at me?” Yuuri asked, eyes wet and face puffy and red. 

“One-hundred percent positive.” Victor gave Yuuri a fond smile.

“Thank you…” Yuuri whispered. 

“I have some things I want to apologise for too.” Victor started. “I… I was an awful husband.”

“Victor that’s not true—“ 

“It is.” Victor sucked in a heavy breath, releasing it slowly. “I told you that you could always rely on me, yet when you came to me with a problem I always brushed you off. I didn’t take it seriously and… as a result you felt like you couldn’t come to me with a problem. Apologising doesn’t fix any of that but… I hope… I hope I can make it right.” Mika squeezed Victor’s finger gently, coaxing a smile from the doting parents. 

“Victor, I never thought like that at all. I never thought you didn’t take me seriously. I just… I just thought— knew you didn’t understand and… I was just too tired to explain. It was just easier not to.” Yuuri explained. “And… that was wrong of me. I should have explained, even if it took a few tries for you to understand I should have talked to you.” Yuuri’s brow creased as he stared down at his lap again. 

“But how could you not?” Victor asked. “I was so… unsupportive. I was impatient with you and I should have been patient. But at the same time I wished I asked questions. I wish I made you talk to me about what things were like for you. Maybe… maybe we could have fixed things.” Victor said quietly. There was a pregnant pause between them before Mika started biting at Victor’s finger. “Really, Mika?” Victor chuckled, releasing his finger from Mika’s gummy mouth. 

“It’s not your fault.” Yuuri reassured. “It’s a combined fault.” 

“Yuuri?” 

“Hmm?” 

“Would you be able to tell me now? How… how you felt while we were married…” Victor asked. The question took Yuuri by surprise, but he took a moment to think before speaking. 

“Alone.” That broke Victor’s heart. “I felt isolated. I was losing myself, and I was losing you.” Yuuri admitted. “I didn’t know who I could talk to. W-who would understand. I knew I was losing you because of my mental state but at the same time my mental state was because I was losing you. It was a never ending cycle.” Yuuri whispered softly, his brows knitted together. “I don’t even know how to describe how I felt.” Yuuri tried to put his thoughts from those last few months of their marriage together but there were so many gaps or parts he couldn’t explain. 

“I felt powerless. I was my own worst enemy. I began to realise that even I couldn’t understand what was happening to me, how could I expect you to understand? Something was happening to me and I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know why this was happening I just wanted it all to stop.” Yuuri started to cry again as he remembered just how lost and out of place he felt back then. “I lost my way. Everything was dark and empty and I couldn’t find anyone, not even you. I didn’t even know who I was anymore.” 

Victor’s heart was breaking with every word. He hadn’t realised just how astray Yuuri was feeling. And now that Victor had experienced something similar, he felt like he could understand Yuuri better. His heart ached as he held on tightly to Mika, who had been entertaining himself with his little elephant. 

“After we… After we ended I didn’t see any point in… in anything anymore. It was a horrible, horrible feeling and I spent more of my day crying than doing anything else. I couldn’t eat… I couldn’t sleep… I only knew how to cry.” Victor’s heart was slowly cracking – he hadn’t realised just how much he had hurt Yuuri. “I tried to keep positive. I thought to myself that once this pain was over I’d be able to move on. I’d find someone new, someone who loved me the same way you did, possibly love me even more.” Victor couldn’t help but feel jealous about this fantasy figure Yuuri had. “But I quickly realised that that was impossible. I realised that no one could love me in the same way you did. And even if they did I— I couldn’t accept that love. I found myself lost again.” 

“One day I… I just couldn’t take anymore and…” Yuuri didn’t think he could talk about this part. He opened his mouth to speak but he stopped himself. “But… I’m… I’m not ready to speak about that yet.”

“And then I found out that well… Mika was on the way. And it felt like all the demons I had fought were worth it. I was over the moon. It was like my whole life had flipped around, but in a good way. For the first time in so so long I felt like maybe… maybe I’d be happy.” Yuuri smiled, speaking about Mika. “With or without someone else to share my life with I knew that with Mika, I’d be okay. He inspired me to skate and dance again, and every morning he made me smile. And he still does.” Yuuri felt better with all of that off his chest – he probably never would have gotten that off his chest if Victor had not asked. “How umm… I guess ‘how were you?’ is the wrong way to ask, huh?” Yuuri chuckled nervously. 

“I never regretted anything more than leaving you.” Yuuri sucked in a sharp breath. “As soon as those words came out I realised my life was over. I hadn’t meant for it to come out like that, or even come out at all. But I’ll admit… it was something I had thought about before.” Yuuri frowned, his hands squeezing together in his lap. “It was only after you left that I realised how important to me you were. How special you were and how much I should have treasured you.” God, saying all of this out loud… Victor never thought he’d be able to say all of this out loud, much less in front of Yuuri. 

“When we were married and you were having problems I had no idea how to deal with them. I didn’t know how to support you or what I should do. I just… I guess I just kept pretending that we were both okay and then we really would be.” Yuuri stared at Victor with big eyes as he continued to listen. “But inside I was… I was crumbling. Watching you suffer and fall apart while I could do nothing but watch. I didn’t know how to help you and… I think maybe I was breaking too.” Victor admitted. 

“You… you hid it so well.” 

“I don’t think I hid it.” Victor said. “I think I was just so in denial that I continued to pretend nothing was wrong with me. And I believed it. All I could do was focus on you. I wasn’t concerned about me, I was always worried for you.” Yuuri’s heart broke a little – Victor was suffering in silence because of him. 

“When we split up I completely ruined myself. I didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, didn’t do… anything. It was really, really bad. I umm… I had some eating habits I wasn’t proud of. Or rather, a lack of eating habit at all. For months.” That took Yuuri by surprise – Victor was the strongest man he’d ever met and he was the last person Yuuri thought would have been so vulnerable in that way. “I had a lot of problems. I’m not proud of them but you taught me that mental problems weren’t something to be ashamed of.” Yuuri smiled a little at that. “It took me months to get myself back on my feet and eventually I began to get better.” 

“I thought to myself that… I was the one who gave up on you. I gave up on the person who needed me the most, on the person who was meant to be able to rely on me, on the person I love the most. I had to live with that. I knew deep down that I would never love anyone who wasn’t you. If it wasn’t you I was with then I didn’t want anyone.” Victor shrugged, yet Yuuri’s heart felt warm. “When I saw you skate again I felt like my heart was on fire. I didn’t know whether you still thought about me, whether you had completely moved on or what.” Victor’s arm tightened slightly around Mika, as if he were afraid to let go. “A-and even now I’m… I’m still trying to make sense of it.” Yuuri bit his lip. Even he himself was trying to make full sense of his programs. At first he thought it was clear what his programs were about but now he wasn’t so sure. 

“Yurio… he told me that after the final you… no one saw you. For weeks. No one knew if you were still alive o-or how you were or if you were okay and— and I got really worried so… it was me who asked Lilia to… to see if you were okay.” Yuuri admitted in a quiet voice, his hands laced together in his lap. 

“I thought about this talk. After the final. And I thought to myself that… if we still couldn’t talk through our hurt feelings, and if my presence was doing nothing other than hurt you, then I was going to leave you alone. Let you move on. And those three weeks I guess… even I don’t know what happened. I guess I was just trying to accept that you might never want to see me again.” With said with a heavy, shaking sigh. “But I’m so, so glad you wanted to speak to me. I was so relieved.” Yuuri bit his lip. 

“I’m so glad you’re okay.” He mumbled quietly, pulling a content smile from Victor.

“Look, we’ve both made mistakes.” Victor said. “And… we both went through a really rough time. I’m glad we… we spoke about and now that we have umm… do you think we can move on? After this long?” Yuuri opened his mouth, as if to say something. Then, it closed. 

“Yuuri—“ 

“Victor—“ 

“You go first.” Victor prompted with a smile. 

“I want… I want you in Mika’s life.” Yuuri said. “I want you to see him and love him and kiss him. I want you to be able to do all those things with him that we once talked about.” Yuuri sniffled, holding back more tears. “You deserve him, and he deserves you too.” Yuuri smiled tearily. “He needs you and… you need him too.” Victor glanced between Yuuri and Mika, and then smiled. 

“There’s nothing I’d want more.” Victor smiled, yet Mika’s piercing shriek… well, ruined the moment. At first Yuuri darted out of his seat, worried about Mika’s incredibly temperamental behaviour. But Victor chuckled. “Hey, what’s up?” He crooned, picking Mika up. He held him against his shoulder and Mika’s arms instantly wrapped around Victor’s neck, shoving his face into Victor’s shoulder. Victor cradled Mika’s head with one hand, supporting the rest of his body with the other. Even though Mika was crying, Victor hadn’t felt this happy in so long. His son was crying against his shoulder and god, Victor couldn’t stop the tears if he wanted to. Victor held tightly onto Mika, smiling through tears. 

“Out of all the things I imagined with you and Mika, I never imagined you’d cry with Mika, you know.” Yuuri chuckled fondly. 

“I should probably calm him down instead of crying with him.” Victor snorted, pulling another laugh from Yuuri. 

“Yeah, maybe.” 

“What’s with the cranky mood?” Victor chuckled softly as he ran his hand up and down Mika’s back, gently blotting away his tears too. “Have you been giving mummy a hard time all weekend? Come on, don’t be so moody. Even though it’s cute.” Victor cuddled Mika closer to his shoulder, smiling endlessly as Mika’s cries began to calm down a little. “Good boy, shhh.” Victor hushed as Mika shifted and shuffled in his arms before quieting down. “Wow, you sure fell asleep quick, huh?” Victor mused, kissing Mika’s temple. “Just like Yuuri. Like mother, like son.” Victor’s eyes were beaming, absolutely full of adoration as Mika slept in his arms. 

“Hey!” Yuuri protested. “He does a lot of things like you do too!” Yuuri pouted with a soft grumble. “When he doesn’t like something he makes it very very clear, and when he wants something he makes that equally as clear!” Yuuri exclaimed, pulling a soft laugh from Victor. “He’s a very morning person too and just like you, loves to wake me up at six a.m sharp.” Yuuri huffed. 

“Definitely like me.” Victor cooed fondly at sleeping Mika. “You know, Yuuri.” 

“Hmm?” 

“I didn’t realise how easy it would be to… to fall into a conversation with you again.” That took Yuuri by surprise, yet it made him feel content too. “And… I never thought I’d be able to talk to you like this, laughing and smiling, again. So… it’s nice to know we can still talk like this.” Yuuri agreed as well. 

“I wasn’t sure what to expect, seeing and talking to you again. I thought it’d end in tears and we’d never be able to look at each other or talk to each other again after this but… it’s just like before.” Yuuri’s content smile was brief, but there. “It’s still so easy to talk to you.” Victor chuckled. 

“I’m glad.” He sighed in relief. “And… for Mika, can I send you money? Every week to help you take care of him.” Victor asked, but Yuuri shook his head. 

“That’s not what I want from you.” Yuuri expressed. “What I want is to know that no matter where you are in the world Mika can always rely on you to come to his rescue.” Yuuri said with a pleading look. “We can’t be ideal parents when we both live in two different countries, but what makes that okay is knowing you’ll be there for him.” 

“I’d drop everything for him. And for you. Maybe we aren’t married anymore but… you’re still special to me.” Victor reassured. “And if you need me, my number is still the same as it was before, if you still remember it.” Victor gave him a playful wink Yuuri blushed a little because— yes, Yuuri still remembered Victor’s number. 

“Are you— are you flirting with me?” Yuuri asked, raising his brow as his heart pounded.

“How could I not?” Victor chuckled. “But no, I’m sorry, I know you probably don’t want that from me.” 

“Well, I didn’t say that, did I?” Yuuri laughed and man, Victor’s heart was going wild. 

“We always spoke about kids, didn’t we?” Victor reminded, and Yuuri nodded. “Mika’s absolutely perfect. He’s… exactly what I envisioned and so much more.” Victor gently stroked Mika’s hair, kissing his head. “And… in the future when you’ve retired and I get sick of coaching… you know what, never mind.” Victor huffed sheepishly. “We… we could never go back to how we were before.” 

“But maybe that’s a good thing.” Victor looked up at him. “If we went back to the way we were before it would only end in more tears.” Yuuri explained. “So maybe it’s a good thing that we can’t be the same as we were before.” Victor smiled – Yuuri was right. It was a good thing. But that left Victor in a bit of a standstill. 

“What happens? After today and after Worlds.” Victor asked with uncertainty. 

“What happens after Worlds is… You’re Mika’s beloved father. We go back to Switzerland, and you go home to Russia. A-and… and if you want… we… we keep in touch? I think… I’d like to have you in my life again.” Yuuri said shyly. Saying it out loud was nerve wracking – even after they had spoken about everything Yuuri was still scared that Victor might not want to keep in contact with him. It was a ridiculous thought, but at the same time it was rational in Yuuri’s head. They’d been apart for two years and now… Yuuri was asking to keep in contact. 

“I’d like that.” Victor softly huffed. “I’d like that a lot.” Victor hesitated for a moment. “Does Mika walk or anything like that yet? I can’t wait to see that.” Victor said after a pause. 

“Not quite. He crawls. He’s tried to stand before but without much success.” Yuuri chuckled. “He hasn’t tried again yet though, you’ll be the first to see if he does.” Yuuri wore a proud face, and rightfully so too. “I think he’ll get there soon.” Yuuri sighed softly. 

“He’ll learn fast. Just like his parents.” Victor commented. “Yuuri?” 

“Hmm?” 

“Did you ever think that… that I was no longer in love with you?” Victor asked and Yuuri bit the inside of his lip. With brows knitted together and hands squeezed into fists in his lap, he nodded. 

“That was the only thing I thought.” Yuuri admitted. “I was convinced that you no longer loved me. That you didn’t want me anymore. It never occurred to me that I— I forced you out or… or I was breaking you. And even now I’m still not sure if you love me. Part of me wants you to but part of me tells me that there’s a reason we didn’t work out.” Yuuri’s uncertainty was pretty clear to Victor, who didn’t really know what to say. Victor knew he was still in love with Yuuri but was now even an appropriate time to tell him? Fuck it, yes it was. 

“I never fell out of love for you, Yuuri.” Yuuri never thought that Victor still loved him but hearing those words… Yuuri didn’t even know how to feel. Yuuri’s heart was racing a million miles an hour, his hands shaking as he tried to process that sentence. “You’re the only person I’ll ever be in love with.” And Yuuri— 

Cried. 

He bursted into tears, his emotions running all over the place. Yuuri wasn’t sure whether he was happy or relieved or angry at himself for ever doubting Victor, maybe even a combination of all three. Yuuri found himself unable to stop crying, his heart overwhelmed and swollen with feelings. Victor passed a tissue to Yuuri, who thanked him. He dabbed his face dry, blowing his nose. 

“I’m okay.” Yuuri reassured. “Just overwhelmed.” 

“Did you ever fall out of love for me, Yuuri? While we were apart.” Victor asked and Yuuri immediately shook his head. 

“I… I never… I always…” Yuuri was struggling with his words as he sniffled, taking a deep, trembling breath. “I couldn’t… look at anyone who wasn’t you. There’s no one like you and— You’re the only one for me.” Victor sighed softly. With his free hand he squeezed Yuuri’s hand gently before releasing it. 

“Can we make this work?” Yuuri looked up at him, confused. Make what work? A relationship? Friendship? Being parents? “Co-parenting.” Yuuri smiled fondly. 

“Of course we can.” Yuuri whispered quietly, pulling a content face from Victor. “I think Mika would love it if you could be a part of his life too. I think he’s getting bored of seeing my face.” Yuuri joked, reaching over and gently poking sleeping Mika’s cheek. 

The couple spoke until the sun went down, Victor holding Mika close, and Yuuri found himself relaxing so easily into Victor’s company. He’d missed this so much. He’d missed everything about Victor. He’d missed laughing and joking with Victor. Yuuri felt something reignite in his heart, speaking to Victor and while he wasn’t sure what to make of it, he was at least certain that it made him feel good. 

“We should probably get going.” Yuuri sighed heavily, looking at the clock on his phone. “I need time to worry about the free skate tomorrow.” Yuuri chuckled nervously. 

“You’ll be great. You always are.” Yuuri blushed a little. “So… I’ll see you tomorrow.” Victor said as he strapped Mika back into his carrier. 

“Yeah. See you tomorrow.” Now with Mika in hand, Yuuri stood up and turned to head for the door. 

“Yuuri?” 

“Hmm?” 

Victor pressed a quick kiss on his forehead. “Good luck tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:  
> Yuuri skates his free skate.  
> Mika's cranky mood isn't as simple as jetlag this time.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri skates his free program.  
> Mika's condition leaves Yuuri at a loss of what to do, other than phone one person.

Yuuri’s gasp was quiet as Victor’s soft lips brushed against his forehead. They were just as soft as Yuuri had remembered. Yuuri was once addicted to those soft lips and the way they touched his forehead set his heart alight. His stomach filled with butterflies as his face turned pink at the cheeks. 

“Good luck tomorrow.” Victor’s voice was gentle, almost a whisper. 

“Thanks.” Yuuri sighed, his heart racing. “I’d say good luck to you too but…” Yuuri chuckled in amusement. 

“You’d better get back.” Victor smiled before he bent down to Mika. “And I’ll see you soon too.” Victor cooed, kissing Mika’s forehead and stroking his cheek. Mika’s tiny palm came up, his hand landing right on the crown of his head. Victor snorted, a grin crossing his face. “Like mother, like son.” Victor chuckled, grasping his hand to kiss his palm. “I love you, baby.” He stood back up. Yuuri watched the way Victor’s heart melted at Mika, his heart fluttering as Victor kissed Mika’s palm. 

“Bye, Victor.” Yuuri smiled.

“Bye, Yuuri.” Victor waved as Yuuri turned around, watching as he left the door.  
———————————————————————  
When Yuuri made it back to the hotel he changed out of his clothes and laid down on the bed, resting Mika on his chest and stomach. He had so much to think about and not enough time to do that. Yuuri finally had all the answers he wanted, and much to his surprise, all answers that were much to his pleasure. 

Yuuri’s heart hadn’t stopped pounding since they got back to the hotel. It was just thumping and thumping, swelling over with feelings and almost coming up his throat. He could feel the heat rising from his chest and rushing to his face, a was a constant reminder of how easily captivated Yuuri was by Victor. Captivated by Victor, who was still very much in love with him. And Yuuri… he could finally admit to himself properly, with no second thoughts that he too, was still in love with Victor. But even so, even though the feelings were mutual, Yuuri was terrified to look any further into the future than his own two feet. 

Yuuri wasn’t even sure what he was supposed to worry about first – his mind told him that the free skate should be his main concern, yet his heart was telling him otherwise. “Mika,” Yuuri sighed heavily. “What do I do?” Yuuri whined, groaning as Mika gurgled and babbled against his chest. “Amma…” Yuuri chuckled. “Yes, baby?” Yuuri cooed, sighing softly as he ran his hand up and down Mika’s back as Mika shuffled up his body, tucking his head under Yuuri’s chin. “What’s up?” Mika seemed very tired, yet the only nap he’d taken was in Victor’s lap for twenty minutes. 

Yuuri could see Mika’s eyes flutter, thick, luscious lashes damp with tears as Mika tried to fall asleep. His hand cradled the back of Mika’s head, his lips kissing the crown of his hair. “So? About daddy.” Yuuri started. “He’s just like you, isn’t he?” Yuuri chuckled. “He’s bubbly, he’s lively, he’s… he’s perfect too. And handsome, just like you.” He chuckled. “Victor is the perfect parent, I know it already. And… I suppose deep down, I’ve known for a long time.” Yuuri rolled onto his side, holding Mika against his chest. “Amma…” Mika mumbled tiredly with a bit of a huff and a sniffle, followed by a cough. 

“I wonder what’s wrong with you this weekend…” Yuuri sighed with concern. “You’ve been cranky and irritable. If only infants could sleep.” Yuuri laughed softly, followed by a sigh. “Maybe you’re coming down with a cold?” Yuuri pulled away slightly, gently touching his forehead against Mika’s. “You’re a little warm.” Yuuri said, kissing his forehead. “Are you coming down with a fever? Let me get you a cold towel, I don’t like not knowing what’s wrong with you.” Yuuri gently released Mika and quickly went to the bathroom. Grabbing his face cloth, he soaked it through with cold water and wrung it out, bringing it back to Mika. 

“You make me worry so much, you know that?” Yuuri bit his lip as Mika groaned when the cold towel hit his forehead. “Let’s hope this fever goes down soon.” Mika eventually fell asleep and Yuuri removed the towel, hanging it back in the bathroom. He picked Mika up, tucking him back into his cot before opening the window ever so slightly to let so air in. “I’ve not even had time to worry about the free skate. Lucky for you I’m skating in the last group. So we don’t have to be at the rink till later. I just hope you aren’t getting too sick.” Yuuri sighed softly. “You know, out of everything I was prepared for when I became a mother, the one thing I could never ever be prepared for was how much a mother worries about their child.” Yuuri chuckled softly, kissing Mika’s head. 

“Good night, Mika. Mommy loves you very much, and Daddy loves you very much too.”  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri could barely sleep – with Mika falling sick, Victor on his mind, and the free skate to worry about, Yuuri just hadn’t had time to sleep between his thoughts. The free skate started at ten a.m. Yuuri may as well wake up now. Crawling out of bed, he picked up the costume bag with his free skate costume and hung it from the door along with his skates. 

He checked on Mika, who had rolled onto his front, his back covered in sweat. Yuuri pressed the back of his hand to his forehead. His forehead was still warm but it wasn’t too bad, but he had been sweating a lot. Yuuri kissed his temple before going to get changed to prepare to go to the arena. 

Once Yuuri was ready he watched Mika sleep, who had turned back onto his back again, having kicked the blanket away. “I love you, my darling Mika.” Yuuri crooned, stroking his cheek. “I’ll always love you.” 

It was close to ten-thirty when Yuuri had to wake Mika and get him changed and ready to meet Stephane. Mika’s fever hadn’t gotten worse, which was good, yet it hadn’t gotten much better either. Mika had been strangely quiet this morning, it seemed like he hadn’t fully woken up, or he didn’t have much energy. Yuuri tried to feed him, but without much success. Mika just wasn’t in the mood to eat. With a heavy sigh of concern, he tucked Mika into his carrier and they went to meet Stephane in the lobby. 

“Morning.” Stephane greeted when they met in the lobby. 

“Hey.” Yuuri smiled softly. “God, I’m nervous.” Yuuri commented as he passed Stephane his skates and his costume. “I haven’t even had time to worry about the free skate.” He said as they left the hotel to walk to the rink. 

“Well normally you spend all night thinking about it. Something wrong?” Stephane asked, and Yuuri nodded. 

“Mika… he’s been so cranky and irritable and last night I think he started to get a fever. I don’t think he’s irritable because of the change in time zone, I think he’s been getting sick.” Yuuri expressed his concern with a shaky breath. “I just hope he’s not caught anything serious and it’s just a cold.” 

“I’ll keep an eye on him while you skate.” Stephane promised. “If he’s sleeping when you skate, I’ll take him out.” Stephane said, and Yuuri smiled in relief. 

“Thank you.” Yuuri sighed softly. “He’s only been sick once and… I still don’t really know how to take care of a sick infant.” Yuuri’s hands were shaky as he worried for Mika, his head clouded over with concern. 

“It’s normal for children to be sick at some point.” Stephane pointed out with a soft laugh. 

“I know,” Yuuri sighed. “But it doesn’t stop me from worrying. I just hope he isn’t too sick. My poor baby.” He mumbled as they walked into the building. 

“He will be okay.” Stephane reassured. 

“I hope so… I don’t think I’ll be able to focus if he isn’t.” Yuuri sighed as they pushed open the door to the changing rooms. “Let me know if he’s not okay?” Stephane nodded. 

“I will. I’ll look after him, so get changed. He’ll be okay.” Stephane promised, pulling a relieved smile from Yuuri. 

“Thanks.”  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri was dressed and ready for the six minute warm up. Yurio and Phichit both noticed Yuuri’s increased nervousness, the way he was pacing and the way his brow crinkled. Yet they could both tell that it wasn’t the free skate making him this jumpy and on edge.

“Yuuri, what’s wrong?” Phichit asked, snapping Yuuri from his thoughts. 

“N-nothing, just… nervous. About skating.” He lied, yet Phichit could tell otherwise. 

“No you’re not.” Yurio mumbled, pulling a face from Yuuri. “So what’s up?” 

“Mika he’s… feeling sick.” Yuuri mumbled, worried sick. “I think he’s coming down with a fever and— and… god I just can’t focus.” Yuuri let out a trembling sigh as he nibbled at his fingernail. “I just hope to god it’s just a cold or something…” Phichit gave him a pitiful sigh. 

“Well if he’s as strong as his parents, he will be fine.” He said reassuringly, squeezing Yuuri’s shoulder. 

“I hope so.” Yuuri whispered quietly, sitting down. “I just need to stay focussed and trust that Stephane can take care of Mika for an hour or two.” Yuuri said as his leg bounced up and down nervously. 

“Well he’s done a pretty good job over the last year and a half, don’t you think?” Yurio commented and Yuuri thought – yeah, he was right. Stephane has always taken care of Mika when Yuuri needed him to. And Yuuri was very grateful. 

“Yeah. You’re right.” Yuuri smiled wearily. “You’re right.” Yuuri stood up. “We should probably head out.” 

Phichit and Yurio left the changing rooms behind JJ, Leo, and Guang Hong, and Yuuri followed suite. The six of them came out from behind the curtain and Yuuri instantly rushed to Mika and Stephane. 

“Has he been okay?” Yuuri asked, biting his lip. 

“So far, so good. Entertaining himself a little, a bit groggy, but he’s been okay.” Yuuri sighed in relief, smiling as he stroked Mika’s cheek, leaning down to kiss him.

“Thank you, Stephane.” Yuuri said gratefully. 

“Oh, I was meaning to ask…” Stephane started, catching Yuuri’s attention. “How did it go yesterday? With Victor?” Yuuri sat down next to Stephane on the bench. “Or you can tell me about it after. I don’t want to distract you.” Yuuri shook his head. 

“No, no! It went… it went well, it went really well and… I’m really relieved and happy about it.” Yuuri smiled shyly. “But I don’t think I have enough space in my head to tell you about it yet.” Stephane chuckled. 

“Understood. Just tell me in your own time – as long as you’re okay. Now, six minute warm up. Remember, no jumps. Step sequence only.” Yuuri nodded, sucking in a deep breath as the announcement to welcome the last group of skaters to the ice sounded over the rink. “Don’t worry about Mika, I will take care of him.” Yuuri nodded, gently holding Mika’s tiny hand. “So. On the ice, warm up, and do your best.” Yuuri stood up. 

“Yes, coach.” Yuuri stretches before moving to the edge of the ice, removing his skate guards and passing them to Stephane. 

Yuuri had zoned out for the whole of the warm up. His body was on the ice, doing what it does best, but his head was definitely elsewhere. Said elsewhere was… Mika. If Mika was getting sick it was Yuuri’s fault – moving him away from home only to travel away as soon as Mika was beginning to settle down. The cold in Switzerland didn’t help either. Maybe after this season had ended, thinking he had one last season in him was ridiculous. Yuuri had Mika now, and if travelling was not good for Mika then… maybe it was time to think about ending his career. Yuuri knew his body could take another season, but it was anything but fair on Mika. He made a mental note to discuss it with Stephane, at a later date. But if this really was… Yuuri’s last season, that would make this his second-to-last competition. Yuuri hadn’t considered it as such until now. Before Yuuri knew it, the warm up was over, and first to skate was Yurio. 

“Are you nervous or worried?” Stephane asked as Yuuri jumped up and down besides him. 

“Worried, and that’s making me nervous.” Yuuri released a shaky breath as he watched Yurio take the ice. “I know that Mika being ill is nothing to worry about but… he’s my baby. He’s my everything and I don’t know what I’d do if something was wrong with him.” Yuuri exclaimed, biting the inside of his cheek as he glanced at his infant, who was entertaining himself with his stuffed elephant. “M-maybe I’m paranoid or anxious or whatever but I— I can’t help it.” Yuuri explained as he reached his finger into Mika’s carried, heart swelling in awe as Mika grasped it in his small hand. 

“It’s just so out of character for him to be so irritable, on top of his coughing and his restlessness, and his temperature. I can’t help but be concerned.” Yuuri expressed as his eyes gazed across the ice, staring straight at Victor, whose eyes were trained on his student on the ice. 

“I know. After the medal ceremony you can keep a close eye on him. But for now, focus on the free skate and let me take care of him.” Stephane reminded a very anxious Yuuri. 

“I’ll try.” Yuuri mumbled. 

When it was time for Yuuri to skate, he stood up, unzipping his jacket, placing it on the bench. He gently stroked Mika’s cheek, touching his forehead with a gentle sigh. 

“Yuuri, you’ll be great, okay?” Yuuri nodded and unclipped his blade guards. “Go get the medal you deserve.” Stephane encourages as Yuuri stepped onto the ice. 

“Are you watching, Victor?” Yuuri thought silently as he took a lap around the ice, eyes scanning the arena. And much to his relief, Victor was watching him with a faint smile, one that only Yuuri was supposed to see. Yuuri took his position on the centre of the ice. 

The audience fell silent as Yuuri took the ice, and [faint piano keys](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMUFzlIK3Fk) filled the air. Yuuri took a deep breath, closing his eyes. At first, this piece was about everything Yuuri had lost, but now he was slowly picking up the pieces and he was no longer entirely sure of what this program meant. Or rather, what it meant to him. 

Regardless, Yuuri loved this piece. He chanced a glance at Stephane and Mika as he prepared for his first jump – a triple loop. Suddenly overcome with worry for Mika, he stepped out of his landing, almost slipping. He managed to catch himself without a hand on the ice. Yuuri had very few technical elements in the first half of this program, having crammed all the jumps into the second half for a point bonus. 

Yuuri forced his previous mistake to the back of his mind. Taking a deep breath, he relaxed himself into a payback spin, his back arched and head dropped back as he span on the pick of the blade. Strings joined the faint piano melody and the music picked up. Deep, cello harmony accompanied the strings and the piano as the mood shifted. Yuuri jumped his next combination – a quadruple toe triple loop. And thankfully, they were both perfect. Victor caught the corner of Yuuri’s eye and Yuuri could see the fond face he had. Victor taught him that jump combination and… while Stephane was a great coach, amazing, actually, but there was just something he missed about training with Victor. Heck, maybe it was just Victor himself that Yuuri missed. 

Yuuri recalled the theme of this soundtrack – loss, but also love. It was choreographed while he was still grieving over Victor, longing for him. It was choreographed through Yuuri’s trauma, and admittedly, he was still deeply hurt and he would be for a long time, possibly even scarred. But even so, this program speaks to Yuuri. It allowed Yuuri to tap into emotions that were not present two years ago, emotions that developed during Yuuri’s darkest chapter. And no matter how painful they were, they were still important.

While parts of this were choreographed with Victor in mind, parts were also choreographed with their precious son in mind, from his chubby cheeks to his happy smile. This part was one of those parts – where the strings picked up and the cello deepened. And now their little boy was falling ill, and even at the most important competition of the season Yuuri couldn’t be fully in focus. He just couldn’t wait to get off the ice and reassure himself that Mika was okay. Yuuri cursed under his breath as he slipped out of his quadruple toe, giving him less than enough time for the rest of the jump combination. 

His last jump was a butterfly jump, which he never failed to land. The music began to die down, the strings fading away, the wind instruments coming to a halt as Yuuri pulled his body taut into a scratch spin to take his final pose. Yuuri couldn’t feel happy about his performance – he’d slipped up twice, one of which was a pretty huge mistake. He’d missed an entire jump, bound to cost him ten points, at least. Yuuri looked around at the soft toys raining down on the ice, yet they couldn’t bring a smile to his face. But then he looked around the arena and Victor had a small, yet proud smile. Yuuri couldn’t help but smile too. 

He got off the ice, snapping his blade guards on and he raced over to Mika.  
“Has he been okay?” Yuuri asked Stephane, as he watched Mika nibble at a teething ring, grumbling and tired. 

“He has.” Stephane reassured. “He’s been very sour, though.” Stephane chuckled with a sigh. “Quite moody, and his temperature is a little high.” Stephane picked Mika up as they went to the kiss and cry and sat down. Yuuri frowned, stroking Mika’s cheek. 

“Yuuri Katsuki has earned in the free skate two-hundred and one point zero seven points. He is currently in second place.” Yuuri felt deflated. But with his distractions on top of a huge mistake he couldn’t be surprised. JJ had beaten him by half a point. Regardless of how Yurio skated, at least he’d make the podium. 

“Don’t be disappointed.” Stephane encouraged as they got off the bench. “Either way, you’re on the podium. You did really well, Yuuri. Especially with everything on your mind.” Yuuri smiled softly. 

“Thank you.” Yuuri sat back on the bench to watch Yurio skate, anxiously waiting for his score, watching his technical score go up and up and up.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri returned to the hotel with a silver medal and a very, very tired and frustrated baby. Yuuri sighed softly as he laid down on the bed with Mika against his chest. 

Yuuri was holding a cold towel against a crying Mika’s forehead. Mika hadn’t stopped coughing and grumbling since they got back – he was hot, profusely sweating so Yuuri had stripped him down to a single layer and opened a window. Mika was coughing so hard Yuuri could feel Mika’s chest jut up, and when Yuuri even touched him, Mika shrieked. “Does that hurt, baby?” Yuuri sighed, his frail voice laced with concern and worry. “My darling…” Yuuri kissed Mika’s sweaty face, his thumb gently stroking his cheek. “Why do you worry me like this?” Yuuri had tried to put him down for a nap or get him to eat, but his efforts had been fruitless.

Yuuri was worried sick. His heart pounded as he tried to keep himself calm for Mika’s sake. Not sure what else to do, Yuuri picked up his phone, dialling the only person on his mind, and the only phone number he remembered. 

“Hello?” Yuuri swallowed. 

“V-Victor… it’s me… something is wrong with Mika… c-can you meet me in the lobby? I— I’m gonna take him to the hospital.” Yuuri held his breath, holding back tears too. 

“I’m coming now.” Yuuri released his breath, relieved as Victor cut the call. 

“Come on, baby.” Yuuri whispered with a shaky voice. “Let’s get you to the hospital.” Yuuri picked Mika up, who started crying again. Yuuri put him down in his carrier, a fresh towel on his head. He picked up Mika’s baby bag, hastily stuffing it with a change of clothes and his blanket, along with the rest of his stuff. “Take a deep breath, Yuuri…” he said to himself as he left the hotel room to meet Victor.

When Yuuri stepped out of the elevator he was so relieved to see Victor already waiting for him. 

“I’m so sorry for calling you out so late but Mika isn’t feeling well and I didn’t know what to do and—“ Yuuri was cut off by a finger on his lip. 

“Yuuri. Take a deep breath.” Victor removed his finger from Yuuri’s lip, and Yuuri closed his eyes, inhaling heavily before releasing. “I’m happy you phoned.” Victor reassured as Yuuri calmed himself down. “I phoned a taxi.” Yuuri released another sigh in relief as he followed Victor out of the hotel lobby. 

“Thank you…” Yuuri quietly whispered as he strapped Mika’s carrier in between himself and Victor. 

“I told you – I’d drop everything for either of you.” Victor’s smile was reassuring, the one that would always calm Yuuri’s nerves. Yuuri’s face pinked at the cheeks as Victor stroked Mika’s cheek, who was groaning weakly, dry tears staining his cheek. He gently dabbed away sweat with a handkerchief pulled from his pocket, tucking the handkerchief in with Mika. “He’ll be okay.” But Yuuri just didn’t feel reassured. He felt relieved that Victor was here, next to him, with him, but when Mika was in question he couldn’t help but feel a deep, dark void in his stomach. 

“I hope so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> A flashback, to little Mika's birth.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While in the hospital waiting room, Yuuri recounts Mika's birth to Victor.

Victor and Yuuri waited anxiously in the hospital waiting room. Victor had his shirt unbuttoned, Mika pressed against his bare chest as he slept, occasionally wiggling and grumbling, tiny hands laid on Victor’s chest as his ear rested over Victor’s beating heart. 

“My poor baby boy.” Victor sighed, nuzzling his nose into Mika’s hair. Yuuri soaked up Mika’s sweat with the handkerchief, dabbing his back and head. 

“This is cute.” Yuuri chuckled as he looked at the pink fabric, covered in bunny heads. 

“Mom gave it to me. I’ve had it for years but I only found it recently.” Victor commented. “I normally carry it in my shirt pocket.” Victor kissed Mika’s head, pulling a fond smile from Yuuri. 

“He loves being kissed on the head.” Yuuri laughed lightly. “He loves having his hands held and kissed too, and when you lay down with him on your chest.” Victor’s heart swelled. “He loves rice porridge with fish, he loves oats with honey and fruit.” Yuuri took a deep, shaky breath. “His favourite fruit is a banana and he loves red peppers.” Oh, Victor liked a lot of those things too. Mika was most definitely very much like Victor. 

“When I was pregnant, during my third trimester Mika hiccuped a lot.” Yuuri smiled fondly at the memory. “It felt like… tiny flicks, spasms almost.” 

***  
Yuuri was laying down on his side, pregnant belly rested on a pillow. He reached for his bedside cabinet, picking up the bottle of gummy fruit flavour vitamins. He opened the bottle, pulling one out. Yuuri put the gummy in his mouth, humming in satisfaction at the sweet taste, before returning the bottle to the night stand.

“I’m getting better, baby. For you.” Yuuri cooed proudly, his hand running softly on the underside of his belly. “I can’t wait to meet you. Fourteenth of September, the doctor said.” Yuuri sighed softly. “I guess you could say I’m nervous, but I can’t wait to be with you.” At that moment, there was a flicking, rippling feeling that went through Yuuri’s stomach. It took him by surprise – a couple of seconds later, there was another slight rumble that went through his stomach. 

Yuuri was beaming. 

“Was that your first hiccup, baby boy?” Yuuri crooned, rubbing his fingertips across where the rippling sensation ran. “My adorable little Mika.” Yuuri whispered. Mika’s hiccups continued for a little while, every so often that flickering feeling would return, surprising Yuuri each time until eventually, Mika calmed down. 

***  
“Did it feel strange? When he hiccuped?” Victor asked quietly. Yuuri nodded. 

“I still remember how it felt now.” Yuuri smiled. They were quiet for a moment, before Victor spoke again. 

“Did you have much trouble? When he was born?” Victor bit his lip, holding onto Mika tightly, almost scared of the answer. Yuuri nodded. 

“Sort of.”

***  
September fourteenth. That was when Yuuri was supposed to go in for a C-section. But Mika couldn’t wait that long. 

It was late September first. Water suddenly gushed down Yuuri’s thighs, running down his legs and soaking the bathroom floor. No way, Mika couldn’t be early, right? Oh god, he wasn’t fully prepared yet! He had prepared things for Mika but he hadn’t prepared himself yet! Yuuri prayed labour wouldn’t come quite yet. He groaned heavily, kneeling down to clean up. At that moment, Hiroko came up the stairs. 

“Your water’s broke?” Yuuri looked up with a teary smile and nodded. Hiroko sighed fondly. “Stand up, let me clean up – you should get something to eat and then rest.” Yuuri stopped what he was doing as Hiroko knelt down, taking the towel from his hands. 

“I’m sorry…” he mumbled, fighting back tears. 

“For what, dear?” Hiroko asked as her son fell against her shoulder, crying into her neck. Yuuri’s arms squeezed her tightly as they knelt on the bathroom floor. Yuuri couldn’t stop his tears. He’d been so inconvenient – suddenly he’d returned home out of the blue, and pregnant too. So not only was he already in the way of their inn, but his son would be as well. 

“You know we’re all looking forward to meeting Mika.” Hiroko reassured. “We all love you both. You’re my son, and you’re always welcome here.” But Yuuri just cried. He continued to cry until his throat was hoarse and his head hurt and his knees ached. “Come on, stand up.” Hiroko encouraged as she helped Yuuri stand. “Go downstairs and get something to eat.” Yuuri nodded as Hiroko kissed his forehead. 

“Thanks mom…” Yuuri smiled wearily, dabbing away his tears. 

It was the early hours of September second and Yuuri was awoken by a heavy, tight feeling contraction. It felt like someone was trying to rip his uterus out. Yuuri’s body was contracting in all different ways. His stomach was clawing, the pain was almost excruciating – he had never experienced anything this painful. He could just feel Mika kicking at his stomach, forcing himself against the inside of Yuuri’s womb. Mika was not supposed to be here for another twelve days yet he was already trying to force himself out. Yuuri could have sworn he was going to faint. 

Hiroko had called an ambulance. Yuuri was almost crying, his hands and teeth digging into a cushion as he held back pained groans. Yuuri was in so much pain. Looks like Yuuri’s C-section plans were coming twelve days earlier than he anticipated – so much for September fourteenth. 

Yuuri was crying, tears streaking his face as he gritted his teeth together, heaving for breath as he tossed and turned on the gurney, squeezing his mother’s hand. The voices of doctors and nurses were starting to blur as he could focus on nothing but the stabbing sensation in his stomach, the sharp, sharp pains of labour attacking him and stealing all his attention. 

“Mr. Katsuki, we’re going to take you to the labour ward to be anaesthetised, then, you’ll have an emergency C-section.” Yuuri nodded. “We’ll inject you with a spinal epidural, and make a small incision at the base of your stomach.” Yuuri nodded again, though he wasn’t even sure he heard what they were telling him. 

“Take deep breaths, Mr. Katsuki.” Yuuri, through much pain, took a deep, shaky breath, and held it while an epidural was injected into his lower back. “In about fifteen minutes, you’ll be taken for a C-section.” Yuuri mumbled in agreement as his baby squirmed inside of him. 

The next thing Yuuri knew there were bright white lights that were blinding him. The air was cold, yet he could feel himself sweating. He was nervous, anxious, scared. But nothing could overpower his feeling of pure excitement and joy. Even with all of his fear and nerves and his stomach feeling like butterflies, knowing that he’d leave the hospital with a baby boy was all he needed to know to make it through. Yuuri just prayed for his little boy’s safe delivery. 

Yuuri had calmed down, his mother sat beside him and squeezing his hand. A screen was put up, blocking his view. 

“You’ll be okay.” Hiroko reassured with a fond smile as a very nervous Yuuri squeezed her hand. 

“So we’ll make an incision at the base of your stomach and your baby will be removed. The umbilical cord will be cut, and you’ll be stitched back up with dissolvable stitches. It should be pretty quick.” The doctor said and Yuuri gave a quiet “okay”. 

The smell of antiseptic was overpowering. The operating theatre smelt so much like bleach, filling his sensitive nostrils and almost making Yuuri feel sick to his stomach. He could hear the voices of surgeons and doctors, talking, passing tools back and forth and the way they mumbled, the way they spoke so seriously did nothing to soothe Yuuri’s anxiousness. His heart was pounding furiously as he squeezed Hiroko’s hand for comfort. 

Yuuri couldn’t feel any pain, but he could feel a numb sensation left behind from the scalpel. 

Yuuri could feel it, two hands reaching into his womb. It was strange, numbing, it sent shivers down Yuuri’s spine. He almost wanted to be sick – two hands were being shoved into his womb! Yuuri felt so uncomfortable. It felt invasive and disgusting but, anything for Mika. Including this. Yuuri wanted to squirm and get rid of this discomfort, but he held through. 

The discomfort was unbelievable, but when the first shriek of his son pierced through the air all of that was forgotten. Yuuri cried. He watched as the nurse took Mika away to clean up, wrapping him in a small blue blanket. Yuuri held his arms out and as soon as he had Mika in his arms, he instantly stopped crying, nuzzling up to his mother. Mika was so so small. He looked so much like Victor, from his eyes, to his nose, to his forehead. Yuuri cradled Mika with one hand holding his head and the other supporting his body. Mika was beautiful. He was everything Yuuri had ever wanted and more. 

Yuuri never knew the meaning of true love until he held Mika in his arms. Mika, whom he’d carried for nine anguished, painful months. Mika was the child he and Victor had always spoken about having and he was finally here, in Yuuri’s arms. 

But that precious moment was over too quickly when Mika was taken to the intensive care unit. Mika was very underweight, dangerously underweight, coming in at no more than a kilogram and a half. Yuuri suddenly felt guilty, worried sick. Mika would not be underweight if he spent the first five months eating properly, and taking care of himself. But it wasn’t just Mika’s abnormal weight that was concerning. Trauma that Yuuri had suffered months ago meant Mika had to be watched for two weeks before he could come home. There were various tests to do and brain scans to complete to make sure Mika was well enough to go home. And all Yuuri could do was worry. 

Yuuri was separated from Mika, having been taken back up to the main ward to recover. His muscles were weak, his lower abdomen now feeling unusually light, yet still aching and cramping. Yuuri looked at Mika through the clear box, his hand reaching through the holes of the incubator to grasp his little baby’s hand, to feel his heart beat. For the first few days Yuuri was not allowed to breast feed him. Instead, Mika was tube fed. It was only after the first week, once Mika had grown a little stronger, that Yuuri could breast feed his child for the first time. From then on, whenever Mika would wake up and cry, Yuuri picked him up and held him close to his chest to feed him. Yuuri could only see Mika for a few hours each day and every time he left his baby behind in the children’s intensive care unit his heart broke a little more. 

After four days, Yuuri was discharged from the hospital with cream to help the healing of his scar. He continued to return to the hospital, every day for the following ten days, no matter how much pain he was in, to see Mika and to feed him. Finally, after fourteen days, on September sixteenth, Yuuri could finally, finally bring Mika home. 

***  
Victor’s heart broke. He wasn’t there to hold Yuuri’s hand in labour, or there to cut the umbilical cord. He wasn’t there to hear his baby’s first cry, or there to watch him come home. But most importantly Victor was not there to support Yuuri during those crucial, heartbreaking first days of Mika’s life. And worst of all, it was because he had chosen not to be there. Victor held Mika even tighter to his chest, afraid to lose him as he fought back tears. 

“Are you crying?” Yuuri asked, almost amused because even now, Victor still had that same soft heart. 

“No.” Victor pouted, dabbing his eyes dry as Yuuri chuckled softly. “I’m just sorry I wasn’t there…” Victor mumbled, but Yuuri just sighed. 

“We’re past that, Victor.” He said comfortingly. “Like I said yesterday, all that matters is that you’re here now.” Victor smiled fondly, yet his heart still felt heavy. 

“How do I make up one and a half years worth of lost time, though?” Victor asked, very obviously troubled, but once more, Yuuri gave him a fond chuckle. 

“By sitting in the hospital waiting room at midnight with your shirt open, holding a very sick Mika against your chest without caring what anyone around you thinks.” Yuuri said. “And by continuing to ask questions about him.” 

“But I’m already doing that.” 

“Exactly.” There was a quiet pause before Victor spoke again. 

“So what was it like? When you got to feed him for the first time?” Yuuri sighed heavily, his brow furrowed. 

“Difficult.” He said quietly, almost in a whisper. “So difficult that I gave up multiple times. Mika was so stubborn. I cried a lot because of it.” Yuuri huffed. 

***  
Yuuri was ecstatic when he could finally take Mika out of the incubator and sit down with him to feed. He was sat on a rocking chair, Mika wrapped in a soft blanket as Yuuri cradled him, shirt unbuttoned. 

“It might be difficult at first, but hold his head against your nipple, and in his own time, he should take it.” So Yuuri nodded and did just that. Or at least, he tried to. Mika nuzzled into his breast, but quickly turned away. Yuuri, with a patient sigh, tried again, nudging Mika’s head back to his chest in an attempt to coax him to feed. Yet once more, Mika turned away. That was okay, the nurse did say it could take some time. So Yuuri tried again. 

Mika nudged his nose against Yuuri’s nipple and Yuuri thought “third time lucky!”. There was a hopeful glint in those soft brown eyes. His heart raced as he waited for Mika to bring his mouth to his nipple but much to Yuuri’s dismay, he turned away again. At this point, Yuuri was beginning to feel deflated. 

“Come on, baby.” He encouraged, but Mika just refused. He tried two more times before giving up for the day. Yuuri sighed, upset. His own baby didn’t want him. 

“Don’t give up.” The nurse smiled. “Try again tomorrow – you may have more luck.” She said encouragingly as Yuuri replaced him into the incubator. “For now we will continue to feed him as we are and hopefully soon, you’ll be able to breast feed him.” Yuuri gave her a weary smile as he reached into the incubator to grasp Mika’s tiny hand.

“We’ll try again tomorrow, won’t we baby?” Yuuri smiled fondly as Mika relaxed. Yuuri knew Mika was okay – his tests had come back clear and his brain scans were normal. Mika was healthy, but he was also small and physically weak. But Yuuri knew he gave birth to a fighter – he was Victor’s son, after all. He’d be nothing short of a fighter. 

Yuuri stayed for hours, until visiting hours were over before returning home once more, without his son in his arms. 

The next day when Yuuri returned, he’d tried again to breast feed Mika. He’d tried four times, in fact. It was only the second day but he’d tried so many times surely, Mika should want to be breast fed by now, right? But no. Mika refused again. He also refused the day after that, and the day after that too. 

Yuuri had cried to Hiroko about it. About how he didn’t even feel like his own son wanted him, and what a lousy mother he was that he couldn’t encourage his baby to feed, and how guilty he felt for being the reason Mika slept in an incubator every night. He cried his heart out as he squeezed his mother tightly, his heart feeling heavy with guilt and sadness. Yuuri had not expected to get Mika to feed within one day but four days later… Yuuri was becoming increasingly anxious and frustrated. What was he doing wrong? Yuuri felt really insecure about being a good parent, but after a good cry to Hiroko, Yuuri was ready to try again. 

The next day when Yuuri went to see Mika, Yuuri sat down, reaching his hand into the incubator to touch his cheek, watching as his little boy slept soundly. Mika had already gotten heavier, the nurse informed, much to Yuuri’s relief. He’d gotten bigger quite quickly, which definitely calmed Yuuri’s nerves a little. He waited patiently for Mika to wake up, eager to try and feed him again. 

Finally, a couple of hours later, Mika woke up. Yuuri beamed. He picked Mika up out of the incubator and sat down. With Mika in one arm, his free hand unbuttoned his shirt and he held Mika to his exposed breast. 

“You can do it, baby.” Yuuri cooed. “I know you can.” Yuuri patiently watched as Mika nuzzled into Yuuri’s breast, his tiny palm resting on the soft flesh. Mika’s nose nudged Yuuri’s nipple and after a few tries, Mika finally latched on. Yuuri almost cried. It felt surreal to him, to be able to breast feed his son. He let out a soft, shaky sigh of relief as he smiled fondly at Mika, who finally, after twelve long days, was able to be breast fed. 

***  
Victor’s heart swelled. Mika truly was a precious being. 

“Those two weeks were the most anxious two weeks of my life.” Yuuri sighed heavily. “But when I finally brought him home it felt like maybe my life was falling into place again.” Yuuri smiled softly, staring up at the ceiling. “Every morning I’d wake up and feel like I was needed. I’d change and feed Mika, then get myself showered and freshened up. Sometimes I took him out, and other times my scar was so painful that I could barely get out of bed, but that was generally my routine.” Victor continued to listen as he watched Yuuri reminisce in the early days of Mika’s life. 

“One day I put him down for a nap. I gently held his hand, stroked his cheek, and then suddenly, his hand grabbed my finger. He grabbed it so tightly too.” Yuuri chuckled. “And I remember almost crying, because my little boy who four weeks ago was too weak to even come home was now grabbing my finger.” Victor smiled warmly, glancing down at Mika. 

Victor nuzzled his nose into Mika’s hair as he napped, kissing the top of his head. 

“Wow,” Victor said with a soft smile. “That’s so cute.” He chuckled proudly as he picked up the handkerchief from Mika’s carrier with his free hand, dabbing off sweat from Mika’s back. 

“He does lots of very cute things.” Yuuri laughed. “Like when he pats your head. He never does that to me.” Yuuri pouted softly. Victor laughed. 

“Like I said, ‘like mother, like son’.” Victor chuckled softly. 

“Mikaela Katsuki-Nikiforov?” Both parents looked up. “Follow me.” And with a heavy gulp, the couple stood up to follow the nurse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:  
> The anxious parents find out what has made their son so sick and cranky.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The anxious parents find out what is wrong with their son. Watch them struggle to make Mika take his medicine, and watch Victor break his back too!!

Victor sat down, careful not to jostle Mika, who was resting. Yuuri sat down next to him, and the nurse sat down at her desk. Mika was coughing against Victor’s chest, grumbling as he tried to sleep.

“I’m Dr. White, and I’ll be treating your son today.” She smiled, sitting down at her desk. “So what seems to be the problem?” She asked, tapping away at her keyboard to fill in Mika’s details.

“At first he was just very agitated and tired, he was irritable and he cried a lot more than usual. I thought it was jet lag, or not being able to settle down. We recently moved country, so I thought he might have just had a difficult time settling in.” Yuuri said. “But he then started coughing and he wouldn’t stop crying either, and every time I tried to touch him he would scream. His temperature was getting really high and he was sweating a lot too.” Yuuri explained and the doctor tapped away at her keyboard.

From a draw, she pulled out a thermometer. She pulled the plastic off, tossing it in the bin. “Could you just turn him to face me? Just so I can take his temperature.” Victor gently shuffled a coughing Mika around, stirring him from his rest. He started to wiggle and toss, quickly waking up. The doctor gave him a pitiful smile – his face was red and sweaty, tears staining his cheeks as he forced out weak tears.

“Hush Mika,” Victor cooed, running his hand up and down his back comfortingly. “It’ll be okay.” The doctor tried to put one end of the thermometer into his mouth, but he continued to turn away from it, screaming at the top of his lungs as he tried to wiggle himself out of Victor’s arms.

“Here, I’ll try.” Yuuri held out his arms, and Victor passed Mika over. “Shh,” Yuuri hushed as he gently bounced Mika up and down against his shoulder. “Who’s mommy’s good boy? Yeah?” Mika, after a little while, began to relax against Yuuri’s body again, coughing his lungs out as he tried to get comfortable. His head dropping to Yuuri’s shoulder. Yuuri gave the doctor a nod, who carefully placed one end of the thermometer on the surface of Mika’s tongue. Both parents anxiously waited as the thermometer beeped. The doctor removed it from his mouth, glancing at the number.

“His temperature is currently thirty nine degrees.” She said, tossing the thermometer away. “Any other symptoms? Has he been sick or had diarrhoea?” Yuuri shook his head. “It seems like he has some muscle pains.” With her hand, she gently squeezed Mika’s arm, sighing softly as he screeched at the top of his lungs. “Yeah, I would say the chances are he has the flu. Has he been vaccinated?”

“No. He was too young to get it done back home so he hasn’t been vaccinated yet.” Yuuri sighed softly.

“Wait here, I’m going to call in a second opinion.” The two nodded as she left the room. Yuuri let out a shaky sigh as Mika coughed again, coughing so hard that his chest jolted.

“He’ll be okay, don’t worry.” Victor’s hand subconsciously squeezed Yuuri’s thigh, before realising what he had done. Instantly pulling away, he quietly apologised, his gaze shifting to the floor.

“It’s okay.” Yuuri said quietly as the doctor returned with another doctor.

“Right.” The second doctor snapped on a pair of latex gloves. He unwrapped a second thermometer and slipped it into Mika’s mouth, this time with much less trouble than Dr. White had. Mika seemed too tired to fight back. The thermometer caused Mika to cough heavily again, his hands coming to hit the thermometer away. Victor’s hands gently grasped Mika’s tiny hands, his thumbs stroking his wrists. “Don’t do that Mika, good boy.” He cooed.

“Thirty eight degrees.” He sighed softly, tossing the thermometer away. The doctor gently squeezed Mika’s arm with two fingers, noticing as he squirmed and wiggled, pulling away as he rested against Yuuri’s shoulder, letting out a loud whinge. “High temperature, heavy cough, muscle pain, fatigue, I’d say he had influenza too.” He sighed.

“Influenza can lead to bronchitis and pneumonia if it’s left for too long or does not go away on its own.” Dr. White said, sitting back down at her computer. “We’ll give him a nasal spray to break down mucus and help relief his cough.” Dr. White said, filling out a prescription. “We will also give him some antiviral to treat the flu. After this he should not need the flu vaccine, but make sure he gets it when he turns two anyway. Be sure to bathe him in warm water and make sure he drinks lots.” She pulled some paper from the printer, handing it to Victor. “The pharmacy is around the corner and to the left, so pick up his medication before you leave.” She smiled warmly, standing up to lead them to the door.

“Thank you.” Yuuri sighed in relief.

“No problem.”

Yuuri carried Mika as Victor held his carrier.  
“Wait here, I’ll pick up the prescription.” Victor quickly went off to the pharmacy counter and handed them the prescription. He waited just a few moments before the pharmacist handed him two bags. He thanked them quietly before returning to Yuuri.

“I can’t wait to see the medical bill on this.” Yuuri sighed nervously.

“I’ll pay it.” Victor offered. “Don’t worry about that, when the bill comes, send it to me and I’ll pay it.” Yuuri looked up at him.

“Are you sure? I can pay it, or we can split it.” But Victor chuckled fondly.

“Let me pay for it.” And Yuuri let out a sigh of relief.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me.” Victor said. “I’d pay it all in a heart beat.” But Yuuri shook his head.

“I meant… thank you for coming with me tonight. And… for being supportive and understanding.” Yuuri said quietly, staring down at the floor.

“I would have come with you if it was four a.m, if I was half way across the world. Wherever I am and whatever the time I’d be there in a heart beat if you needed me.” Victor reassured him with a content face. “I wasn’t supportive two years ago. And it was a terrible mistake. I’ll never make that mistake again.” Victor promised. “Come on, let’s get in the taxi.” Yuuri smiled fondly and waited for Victor to climb in and strap Mika’s carrier down. Yuuri climbed in after him, securing Mika into his carrier.

By the time they got to the hotel, it was close to two a.m. They got into the elevator, pressing the buttons for their respective floors.

“Yuuri?”

“Hmm?”

“Would you… like to stay the night? Just so you’ve got some extra hands to take care of Mika.” Yuuri, at first, thought the offer was strange but… they used to be married. They had a son together, who Victor was just reunited with. In hind sight, it wasn’t so strange after all.

“I shouldn’t.” Yuuri mumbled. “I’ve already disrupted your night, you should get some rest.” But Victor protested.

“And what about you? You need to rest, Yuuri.” Victor sighed. “Let me help you. Please.” He pleaded when the lift opened. With a defeated sigh and a smile, Yuuri handed Mika to Victor.

“Let me pick up some things from my room.” Victor beamed, his grin wide and childish, just as Yuuri had remembered. Yuuri smiled back, laughing softly at his face.

“Room nine-two-one.” Victor said as Yuuri left the elevator. Victor’s heart was pounding, giddy with joy as he brought Mika up to his room. “Come on, baby.” He cooed, stepping into his suite. He unstrapped a coughing Mika, laying him down on the bed. “Let’s wait for Yuuri.” Victor quickly changed into sweats and a top, tossing his shirt and tie on the bed next to Mika. He pulled Mika’s soft blanket from his baby bag, covering him up. Then, he pulled out a soft mat, laying it on the bed for Mika to entertain himself on. Victor kissed Mika’s temple, stroking his hair softly. While waiting for Yuuri, Victor phoned for a crib to be brought up and not long later, there was a knock on his door.

With a smile, Victor opened the door.  
“Hey.” He greeted softly, stepping aside to let Yuuri in.

“Hey.”

“Mika has taken the bed, but I’ve phoned for a crib to be brought up so if you need to rest you can use the bed.” And then Victor realised maybe that… was not a good idea. “O-or if you prefer I can pull the sofa out! It’s up to you…” Yuuri smiled softly. Of course Victor was still just as thoughtful as he used to be.

“It’s okay, I’ll take the sofa.” Yuuri said, walking over to Mika to stroke his cheek. He sighed sadly as Mika coughed again, his chest jolting up. Victor nodded and padded over to the sofa, pulling it out for Yuuri to use.

“There’s no duvet so… you can take the one on the bed if you want, I— I haven’t really used it so…” Victor said sheepishly.

“What about you?” Yuuri asked. “Are you going to be okay without a duvet?”

“I’m Russian.” Yuuri snorted.

“Alright then. Thanks.” Yuuri sighed softly, taking the duvet from the bed and bringing it over to the sofa. At that moment, there was another knock at the door.

“That’ll be the crib.” He padded over to the door and opened it. “Hey, thank you.” Victor moved out of the way to let the two hotel workers in with a small wooden crib and some sheets. “Sorry for the inconvenience.” Victor sighed.

“Don’t worry about it. Have a nice night.” Victor let them out as Yuuri covered the mattress in the crib with sheets and laid down the fresh duvet set. “Right.” Victor said as he went over to Mika. “Let’s give you your medication.” Victor sat down on the bed, placing Mika on his lap. He reached for the bedside table, opening both packages. First, was the nasal spray. “Let’s get the worst one done first.” Victor chuckled, breaking the seal on the nasal spray.

Yuuri came over. “Here, I’ll do it while you hold him.” Yuuri took the spray from Victor’s hand, who held him tightly against his chest. “Alright, baby. I’ll be quick.” Yuuri gently pushed the end of the nasal spray up Mika’s nose, prompting him to cry and screech in discomfort, pushing it away. Yuuri sighed. “I kind of expected that.”

“Mika, baby. Be a good boy.” Victor crooned, stroking his hair and kissing his head. “Be a good boy, and let momma give you your medicine, okay? You don’t want to stay sick now, do you?” Victor said softly. “So be a good boy, yeah?” He encouraged as Mika’s temper calmed down. “Try again?” Yuuri nodded, slowly pushing the end of the spray up Mika’s nose. Mika began to cry, his eyes tearing up again as Yuuri gave him the spray. Victor held him still, encouraging him to sit still. And soon enough, Yuuri was done, and Mika instantly stopped crying. “See? It wasn’t so bad, was it?” Victor chuckled, kissing his head. “Good boy. Now, let’s give you your antiviral.” Victor turned to Yuuri. “Do you want to hold him? I’ll do this one.”

“Yeah.” Yuuri smiled and took Mika from Victor’s arms, holding him in his lap. Victor took the bottle from the paper bag and opened it. There was a small syringe in the box, and Victor pulled it out. Opening the cap, he used the syringe to suck up the liquid from the bottle. “Alright Mika, open up.” Victor encouraged, watching Mika’s face turn sour as he let out a chesty cough. “Come on baby.” Victor cooed, placing the syringe on Mika’s tongue. But Mika jerked his head away, whining and coughing as Victor sighed. “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay.” He stroked Mika’s cheek gently, his thumb swiping over his cheek. “For momma.” He encouraged, trying once more to get Mika to take the medicine. After two more tries, Victor managed to get Mika to take his medicine. “Good boy!” He crooned, kissing his forehead. Yuuri sighed in relief.

“You did well, my darling.” Yuuri chuckled, kissing his temple. “Now let’s get you wiped down and ready to sleep. Victor, can you go to Mika’s baby bag and pull out a diaper, his towel, and a onesie? Oh, and his elephant. He refuses to sleep without it.” Yuuri asked as he readjusted Mika on his knee. Victor chuckled.

“Yeah.” Victor rummaged through the bag, trying to find Mika a fresh set of clothes amongst the plethora of baby things.

“You can just tip everything out it’s okay, I’ll pack it back up tomorrow.” So Victor did just that – he pulled out Mika’s winter coat, a gilet, some wipes, diapers, and other changes of day clothes, splaying them on the bed. Victor finally pulled out a towel and a fresh set of clothes, along with Mika’s stuffed elephant.

“Got em.” He said, laying them down separately to the rest of Mika’s things. “Erm… do you normally bathe him in the bathtub... or sink...? You didn’t happen to bring a baby bathtub with you, did you?” Victor asked sheepishly and Yuuri laughed softly.

“No. I didn’t.” Yuuri sighed. “Bathtub will be fine.” Victor nodded and went into the bathroom to fill up the tub with some warm water while Yuuri stripped Mika down for a bath.

“I take it you didn’t bring shampoo either?” Victor called from the bathroom.

“No… I forgot about that.”

“It’s okay.” Victor reassured, popping his head out from behind the door. “He can use my Ten Voss shampoo and body wash.” Yuuri playfully rolled his eyes.

“Victor and his pretentious bath and body products.” He laughed, bringing Mika into the bathroom. “Is the water okay?” Yuuri asked, and Victor dipped his elbow in.

“Yeah. You can sit him in now.” Yuuri places a very flushed and sweaty Mika into the warm water, supporting him with one arm. “Do you normally use the shower head or not?” Yuuri shook his head.

“No, not really, just normally use my hands and rinse the shampoo out.” Yuuri said. “Could you squeeze some shampoo? Just a bit on his head and lather it up.” Victor picked up his incredibly expensive shampoo, squeezing just a tiny bit out.

“Only the best shampoo for my Mika too.” Victor grinned, holding up the three hundred dollar bottle of shampoo.

“Seriously Victor. He doesn’t have that much hair to wash you know, it doesn’t need to be that expensive.” Yuuri laughed as he watched Victor gently rub the shampoo into Mika’s hair.

“Well I refuse to let Mika use the tiny hotel samples that have probably been refilled and reused god knows how many times.” And well, Yuuri supposed he had a point. Victor used his hands to gently rinse of the shampoo and wash his body. “There we go, nice and clean.” He grinned. Yuuri lifted Mika out of the water.

“Thanks.” Yuuri chuckled, moving Mika to the bed. He gently placed Mika on the bed, wrapping him in the fluffy hooded towel.

“How cute.” Victor cooed, nuzzling his nose into Mika’s head as Yuuri tapped him dry. Mika was drowsy and half falling asleep, already red with fever again. “Even when you’re sick you’re adorable.” Victor chuckled, removing the hooded towel from Mika so Yuuri could get him changed.

“God, I hope he’ll be okay for the exhibition.” Yuuri sighed heavily as he slipped on a new diaper and pulled him into fresh clothes.

“If he isn’t, I’ll take him for the day and look after him.” Victor said. “You won’t have to worry about him. Just have fun at the gala, that’s what it’s for.” Victor encouraged, but Yuuri grumbled.

“I just can’t relax if I’m not with him. I know he’d be okay with you but I just can’t relax.” He sighed heavily.

“He could be feeling better tomorrow, you never know. Maybe you’ll be able to bring him along. We’ll see.” Victor said, fitting Mika into his onesie. “You should text Stephane and let him know.”

“Oh, yeah. You’re right.” Yuuri stood up and tucked Mika into the crib.

To: Stephane  
Took Mika to the hospital. He has the flu 😓 so we might not make it to the Gala tomorrow. Victor is here too. Will update tomorrow

“I’m going to sleep, I’m so tired.” Yuuri sighed, kissing Mika’s forehead.

“Good night. Don’t worry about Mika, I’ll make sure he’s okay.” Victor promised, pulling a relieved smile from Yuuri.

“Thank you so much.” He sighed heavily.

“Get some sleep.” Victor pressed a fond, chaste kiss to Yuuri’s forehead before letting him flop down on the sofa bed. Yuuri was out like a light in minutes. Victor sat at the edge of the bed, watching Mika restlessly toss and turn, coughing as he tried to get comfortable. He was stirring and grumbling, and Victor could tell that sleep wasn’t coming to Mika anytime soon.

Victor stood up, hovering over the crib. “My poor darling.” Victor sighed, watching Mika roll on his stomach, back and forth, trying to sooth the discomfort in his muscles. Mika was coughing and whinging, still sweating profusely. Victor went over to the bed and picked up the handkerchief to dab Mika’s sweat away, before tossing it back on the bed. Mika, unable to get comfortable, started crying. Victor immediately picked him up.

“Shh, shh… it’s okay.” Victor hushed as Mika wiggled and cried into his shoulder. “It’s okay, daddy’s here.” He cooed, nuzzling his nose into Mika’s hair. Fatherly pheromones filled the space between them, slowly calming Mika down. Eventually, he stopped crying, a hoarse cough coming up from his chest. “Let’s get you some rest.” But as soon as Victor laid Mika back down in the crib, the tears started again. With a pitiful sigh, Victor held him against his shoulder and Mika instantly calmed down once again. “You need to get some sleep, baby.” When Victor laid him down again, Mika’s cries began again. With a soft sigh, Victor climbed into the crib.

Shuffling uncomfortably in the small space, he picked Mika up, laying him on top of his chest. “Momma told me you like that.” Victor cooed, stroking Mika’s hair as his tiny fists gripped his t-shirt. “I could have bought you to the bed instead but then you might fall off.” Victor chuckled, playing with Mika’s soft hair. “I’d rather have back pains for the rest of my life than let you fall off the bed.” Victor sighed softly, his hand running up and down Mika’s back as Mika coughed, fingers gripping his top as he grumbled quietly.

“You know, me and momma always dreamed of having you.” Victor said quietly. “You’re our dream child. With the softest black hair, the brightest blue eyes and the cutest button nose. You’re so lucky to have Yuuri and you don’t even know it.” Victor chuckled fondly, one arm moving behind his head to support his neck. “We always spoke about things we would do with you, places we would go with you. Do you think we could still do all of those things?” Victor heavily sighed as Mika coughed against his chest once more, shuffling to get comfortable again.

“Even now I can’t believe someone as beautiful as you is my son.” Victor chuckled. “Someone as cute, and gorgeous, and beautiful as you is my son. How lucky I am to have someone as adorable as you.” Victor’s chuckle rumbled against Mika’s ear. Victor could feel Mika’s heart beating against his chest, the tiny pulsating feeling against his rib cage warming Victor right to his bones. “And I’m gonna miss you when you go home with Yuuri.” He sighed heavily. “But it’s for the best, isn’t it? We live our lives apart now and… that’s just how it is.” Victor’s hand continued to run up and down Mika’s back, squeezing his chubby thigh. “All we can do is make the most of our time together.” Victor sighed as Mika’s eyes fluttered closed with another cough and a grumble. “Good night, baby.” Victor sighed quietly. “Sleep tight.”

And with a quiet snore, Mika fell asleep.  
———————————————————————  
When Yuuri woke up the next morning, he thought it was strange that Mika hadn’t cried hunger yet. He sighed heavily, climbing out of the sofa bed. Yuuri looked at his watch. It was still early in the morning – he didn’t have to be at the gala until half two. He went over to Mika’s crib and leaning over, he saw possibly the most adorable sight he’d ever seen. He hastily picked up his phone, snapping a picture of Mika laid down on Victor’s chest, and Victor crammed into that tiny crib.

“Victor.” He quietly nudged Victor’s shoulder. “Victor.” He tried again. “Victor!” This time, Victor grumbled, his eyes fluttering open.

“Yuuri…?” He grunted as the sudden back and shoulder pains hit him.

“Victor… get on the bed, you’re going to break your back in there.” Yuuri sighed softly with a fond smile, but Victor shook his head.

“No, I don’t want to wake him. He had a hard time sleeping last night so if he can sleep, I want him to sleep. Even if it costs me my back.” Victor chuckled, stroking little Mika’s head. “He’s definitely sweating less.” He sighed softly. “And he didn’t really cough too much in his sleep. We’ll just have to see about his temperature when he wakes up.” Yuuri let out a sigh of relief and smiled.

“You don’t have to break your back for him, you know.” Yuuri chuckled.

“I do if it means he gets a good nights sleep when he’s sick.” Victor sighed softly. “So let him sleep. I can live with back pain for a little while.” Yuuri sighed.

“Will you be okay with him? I umm… I’d like it if you spent the day with him.” Yuuri gave a hopeful smile, and Victor was glowing.

“I’d love that.” Victor couldn’t stop smiling. “I’ll take care of him.”

“I don’t doubt that one bit.” Yuuri laughed. “I figured… I’d trust you over anyone with Mika. And if you’re here to make sure he’s safe then… I think I can go to the gala and leave him for two hours with you.” Victor gave a sigh of relief, smiling as he stroked Mika’s head.

“Are you sure?” Yuuri nodded.

“There’s no one I trust with Mika more than you.” And god, Victor was over the moon with joy, his heart jumping with happiness. “I’ll feed him when he wakes up, then, his jars of baby food are in the fridge in my room and I’ll bring those down for you. He normally eats a banana after lunch, and sometimes he naps. I’ll prepare him a bottle of milk too for after lunch.” But Victor just wasn’t listening. Instead he was stroking Mika’s hair and face, squeezing his chubby legs and arms as he slept. “Victor did you hear anything I just said?” Yuuri asked with an amused snort.

“What?”

“Never mind. I’ll tell you again later.” Yuuri chuckled. “Be careful with your back in there. I’m gonna go back to my room and gather my things for the gala and such. I’ll be back down in a bit.” Victor nodded.

“Sure. Key card is on the table. For obvious reasons I won’t be able to answer the door.” He chided as Yuuri swiped the key card.

“See you in a bit.” Victor watched as Yuuri left the room. It was amazing how easily they clicked. Even after being separated for two years, even after not knowing how the other had changed, it was just so easy fall back into a conversation with him. Or… how easy it was to fall back in love with that same kind heart, though, it wasn’t as if he’d ever not been in love with Yuuri. But it just felt a little more real.  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri would normally cringe at the thought of leaving Mika with someone else without him there. At first, even leaving Mika with Victor made Yuuri a little anxious. It wasn’t because he didn’t trust Victor, but because he had never been more than thirty feet from Mika. Even when Stephane took care of Mika Yuuri was always there. Maybe it was some kind of separation anxiety. But when he left Mika with Victor and left the room, Yuuri felt nothing more than a huge relief, and it was a huge step for Yuuri.

Yuuri would trust no one more than Victor to look after Mika. In fact, he would probably trust Victor more than himself. Victor had always been more child-friendly than Yuuri. He was more approachable, more bubbly and friendly, Victor just radiates happiness. And sometimes it made Yuuri a little insecure as a parent when he compared himself to Victor because it wasn’t difficult to see how attached Mika was already. It hurt a little, admittedly, because Yuuri didn’t have the easiest time bonding with Mika. It wasn’t just breastfeeding that Yuuri struggled with, but amongst Mika’s weight problem and Yuuri’s overwhelming guilt, topped with Yuuri’s struggle with trying to adapt and just generally being exhausted and stressed, they didn’t have an easy time bonding, especially since during the first two weeks, Yuuri could barely hold him.

So yeah, Yuuri was admittedly a little jealous at how easily Mika seemed to click with Victor. Though it was a good sign, he supposed. Yuuri should not be jealous of Mika’s bond with Victor and he should not be comparing his bond with Mika to Victor either. Yuuri was finally beginning to open up to Victor – he had to tell these insecurities and anxieties to shut up before they ruined everything again. Besides, the way Victor engaged with Mika was simply adorable and Yuuri was very thankful for him. He was right all along – Victor really was the perfect father and that made Yuuri smile to know how lucky Mika was, even how lucky he himself was.

Yuuri opened the door to his room. He picked up his skate bag, costume, and a few more of Mika’s things. Oh, Yuuri should probably text Stephane an update.

To: Stephane  
Coming to the gala. Victor is watching Mika

Yuuri sighed in relief and slid his phone into a pocket in his skate bag. Clambering through his room door, he made his way back to Victor’s room.

Yuuri unlocked the door and opened it, putting Mika’s extra bag on the bed, along with his costume and his skate bag, his training jacket draped on the pile. “Is he awake yet?” Yuuri asked with a faint sigh, looking at his watch. Victor shook his head. It was getting pretty late for Mika – normally he’d have been awake for almost three, even four hours. Though, he had slept significantly later than usual last night.

“He’s given a bit of a groan and a grumble and a wiggle, but he’s still asleep.” Victor smiled down at the infant on his chest, his hand running up and down his back.

“Are you sure you’re okay in there?” Yuuri asked with concern as he hovered over the crib where Victor was crammed into.

“Yeah. I’ll be okay. Besides, he looks comfortable.” There was a pause before Victor spoke again. “Yuuri?”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you. For letting me in.”

“I should have done that years ago, even months ago.” Yuuri sighed softly. “Sorry for the wait.” Yuuri’s expression softened as he stared down at Victor’s baby blue eyes, which were finally beginning to get their sparkle back.

“You know, Yuuri, this is the happiest I’ve ever been.” Victor said quietly. “This moment is the happiest moment of my life. Even though my back is cramping and my son is sick with the flu, I’m very happy.” He smiled contently, pulling a teary smile from Yuuri, whose heart was racing and drumming loudly in his ear. And at that moment, little Mika began to stir and grumble before waking up with a cry. He rolled over onto his back, pulling a quiet “oof,” from Victor as Mika rolled his body over his chest. Yuuri sniffled.

“Alright, darling.” He chuckled tearily. “Let’s get you fed.” He sighed, sitting down on the bed. “Do you mind if I…”

“No, no. Of course not.” Victor said. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” He joked, sitting up in the crib before hissing in pain.

“I told you not to sleep like that.” Yuuri chuckled as he lifted the hem of his t-shirt to allow Mika to feed.

“Well it was worth it.” Victor said, climbing out of the crib and stretching. “How’s his temperature?” Yuuri supported Mika’s body with one arm, resting his hand on his forehead.

“I think it’s gone down a little, but he’s still really warm.” Yuuri sighed softly as Mika tiredly sucked on his nipple. “I think he’ll be okay.” Yuuri said, stroking Mika’s hair. “Oh, in the blue bag on the bed there’s two jars of baby food in there. He normally eats at about one o’clock, and has a banana afterwards. Milk powder is also in that bag, he normally had a bottle after he’s eaten.” Victor nodded. “Sometimes he naps afterwards but that depends on how tired he is.”

“Alright.” Victor said. “Are you leaving tonight or tomorrow morning?” He asked as Mika finished feeding. Yuuri pulled the hem of his top back down and held Mika upright to pat his back.

“Tomorrow morning.” Yuuri said as Mika flopped tiredly against his body.

“Then… tonight after the gala, can I treat you to dinner? Before you both leave.” Victor asked. He knew this might be pushing some boundaries, but it was something Victor wanted to do for Yuuri, who deserved to relax a little. Yuuri’s cheeks pinked a little.

“O-oh… u-umm… I’d like that.” Yuuri smiled shyly, his heart pounding heavily as his blush rose.

“Great. Then I’ll meet you at six? I’ll pack Mika’s bags for you too, so you can be ready to leave tomorrow morning.” Victor offered with a relieved breath as he picked Mika up from Yuuri’s arms.

“Thank you.” Yuuri smiled fondly. “I’m going to head out to the rink in a second.” Yuuri said.

“Okay. Have fun.” Victor smiled. “I’ll send you photos.” He chuckled as Yuuri picked up his things. Yuuri came over to the window where Victor had moved to and kissed Mika’s forehead.

“I’ll see you later, baby boy.” He cooed. “Mummy loves you.” Yuuri was desperately trying not to cry as he stroked Mika’s cheek.

“Don’t cry.” Victor laughed fondly. “You’ll see him in a few hours.” He reminded.

“I know, I know it’s just… I’ve never been apart from him for this long.” Yuuri explained with a teary smile.

“It’s a big step for you, I get that.” Victor smiled proudly. “Say bye to mummy?” Victor cooed, and Mika, with the biggest smile gave a quiet “a-bai, amma!” which just tugged Yuuri’s heartstrings as he kissed his little boy again.

“I love you, baby.” Yuuri crooned, to which Mika babbled “ah-foo amma,” And now, Yuuri was definitely crying. Victor used his free hand to gently swipe the tears from Yuuri’s face.

“We’ll be okay. Go and have fun at the gala.” Yuuri nodded, gripping the handle of his skate bag. “See you at six.”

“See you at six.” Victor placed a soft kiss on Yuuri’s forehead, his lips just brushing above his brow, and he let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:  
> Victor is left in charge of Mika  
> Yuuri goes to the gala  
> They meet up for dinner together before Yuuri prepares to leave with Mika.
> 
> Hi everyone! I can't even describe how excited I am right now because finally we've reached to the chapters me and Mirai were waiting to write for months :) I hope you will like them as much as we do! Also, I would like to thank Mirai for encouraging me to draw more and here is a [fluffy drawing](https://www.instagram.com/p/BueBE79h-Xm/) for this chapter! -Psi


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Mika spend the day together  
> Yuuri skates at the gala  
> They go on their date-but-definitely-not-a-date!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOWDY YALL I'm sorry this is a week late I've been very busy and stressed and tired but! Hopefully will be back to a regular ish schedule! Enjoy :D

“How shall we spend our day, baby?” Victor cooed as he stood by the window, Mika in his arm. “Shall we take a walk, yeah? I think it’ll good for you to get some air.” Victor moved over to the bed, laying Mika down on the mattress. Victor picked out a fresh changed of clothes – a clean onesie, a t-shirt and a pair of baby sweats which, by the way, Victor thought were freaking adorable, paired with a fluffy pink jumper. “Momma has a great taste in baby clothes.” Victor chuckled as he got Mika out of his sleepwear. He put on a fresh onesie, and then gently pulled the t-shirt over his head.

“Alright, there we go.” Victor cooed as Mika’s head popped out of the neck hole. Gently, Victor’s fingers grasped Mika’s arms, slowly working them through the arm holes. Victor picked up the tiny pair of sweats and worked Mika’s chubby legs through them, sitting him up to pull them up properly. “Jumper next?” Mika gave him a happy babble as Victor picked up the pink pullover. Victor chuckled, pulling the jumper over Mika’s head and guiding his arms through the sleeves. “Perfect.” He sighed fondly. Victor picked up Mika’s winter coat from the bed and slid it onto his body, zipping it up to just below his chin. “Let’s get some fresh air.” Victor picked up the infant carefully in his arm, Mika’s face pressed into his neck.

Victor settled him down into the carrier, strapping him in. “How’s that, darling?” Victor crooned as he gently stroked Mika’s face with his finger. Mika cooed, both arms reaching up to Victor. Victor chuckled, gently squeezing Mika’s palms before pressing a kiss to them. Victor picked up one of Mika’s bags, packing up a jar of baby food, diapers and wipes, his bottle with two spoons of milk formula, his medicine, and his teething ring, just in case. “Let’s go.” Victor slid his cashmere Armani coat on, buttoning it up before picking Mika up. He swiped his keycard from the desk and opened the door to leave, closing it behind him.

“We’ll go somewhere for lunch, take a quick walk, and then we’ll see, how does that sound?” Victor chuckled as he waited for the lift to arrive. Mika cooed and babbled, pulling a heartwarming smile from Victor. “The weekend has gone so fast.” He commented, stepping into the lift. “I wonder when we’ll next see each other again. But… things look better between me and your momma so… hopefully that’s a good sign.” Victor said, putting on an optimistic face as he came out of the lift.

Victor watched out of the corner of his eye as Mika occupied himself with his hands, chuckling fondly at his sweet son. He decided to take Mika back to the café that he and Yuuri were at just the other day, knowing there was a quiet, comforting window seat for them both. Victor came into the café, taking that same corner window seat with a soft sigh. Victor put Mika’s carrier down, and then unstrapped him. “Right, lets get you out.” He lifted Mika up into his lap, smiling softly as his tiny hands immediately grabbed at his jacket. “Aren’t you just the sweetest.” Victor crooned as Mika smushed his face into Victor’s chest. At that moment, a waitress came over.

“Hey, can I take your order?” Victor looked up.

“Oh, can I have umm… a small lasagne and salad with a mocha, please?” The waitress nodded and scribbled away. “And would it be possible for you to heat this for me too?” He asked, pulling a jar of baby food from the bag.

“Yes, of course.” She took the jar from his hand. “Your son is very cute.” She complimented, pulling a coo from Mika.

“Thank you.”

“I’ll be back in a moment.” Victor nodded, gently bouncing Mika on his knee.

“Shall we send a picture to mommy, baby? Yeah?” Victor chuckled as he pulled out his phone. “So he knows you’re safe.” Victor carefully shuffled Mika a little closer, bringing his head closer so their cheeks pressed together. “Say ‘cheese’ solnyshko!” Victor grinned as Mika let out a soft “eeze!” as the camera clicked.

“Oh my god, you’re the cutest.” Victor was melting as he flicked through the selfies. “Let’s send one to momma and cheer him on for the gala, yeah?”

“Amma!” Victor chuckled fondly, kissing his cheek.

“Yes, mamma.” Victor laughed softly as he sent the photo to Yuuri;

To: Yuuri 💕  
[New Image]  
Cheering you on for the gala – I promise we’ll be watching! Have fun💕

Just as Victor put his phone away, his lunch and Mika’s jar of baby food and a spoon came out on a tray. “I’ll be back in just a second with your coffee.” Victor nodded his thanks, and dipped the spoon into the jar. He blew softly, cooling the bit of mush. At that moment, his coffee arrived.

“Thank you.” He smiled.

“Ahh,” Victor coaxed Mika’s mouth open, his lips parting slightly to allow the spoon in. “Good boy, ahmm.” Victor gently scooped the leftovers from his chin, waiting until Mika swallowed to give him the rest of the spoonful. He quickly took a bite of his lasagne before scooping another tiny spoon of baby food. “There we go, good boy.” Victor praises with a content smile as Mika took the next spoonful. He cut up a piece of lasagne for himself, but couldn’t help but notice Mika’s beady eyes.

“Do you wanna try some lasagne? Yeah?” Victor took the spoon and dig up a tiny bit of pasta coated in beef ragu and some cheese. “Ahh, that’s it.” Victor watched intensely as Mika’s face contemplated the flavours of the lasagne.

“Ahh ahh!” Mika gurgled with a big, heart shaped smile as he clapped his hands together.

“You like that?” Victor chuckled. “We’ll have to let mummy know.” He said, quickly taking another bite of his lasagne before filling Mika’s spoon again. The process repeated, occasionally filling the spoon with lasagne. “We’ll give you your bottle of milk too, before we leave.” Victor said as he scraped the rest of the baby food from the jar. “Last bite, and I’ll treat you to some more of my lasagne.” Victor laughed softly as he fed Mika the last little bit. “Well done, baby.” Victor smiled as he scooped up a bit of his lasagne, blowing it cool. “Here you go, ahh.”

Victor fed Mika bits of his lasagne as he finished off his meal. He called over the waitress again. “Hi, can you fill this just to the marking with boiling water, please?” Victor asked, passing her the bottle.

“Sure thing. I’ll bring you a bowl of ice cold water to cool it down too.” She smiled, taking the bottle in one hand and Victor’s plate in the other.

“Thank you.” He said quietly as she left the table. “Just give her a minute to return with your milk.” Victor said softly, his hand cupping a slightly sleepy Mika against his body. Mika quietly gurgled against his body, his tiny fists gripping Victor’s coat. “First of all, we should give you your medicine.” Victor reached into the bag and pulled out Mika’s nasal spray. “There’s only one of me now, so be good baby, okay?” Victor said as he uncapped the spray. “Hold still now, okay?” Victor encouraged as he gently worked the nozzle of the spray up Mika’s nose. Mika began to whimper, trying to push the spray away. “Hush, baby, shh… it’s okay, it’ll be okay.” Victor said as he kissed Mika’s head, pressing the pump down on the bottle before quickly removing it. “Now that wasn’t so bad, was it?” Victor chuckled as he put it away. “Now for the next one.”

Not two minutes later after, the waitress returned with a full milk bottle and a bowl of ice water to cool it down a little. Victor nodded in thanks as he sat the bottle in the bowl of water. “Just cool it down a little bit so you can drink it.”

“Right. That should do it.” Victor said, giving the bottle another shake. He laid Mika back a little in his arm, and coaxed Mika’s lips around the nipple of the bottle. “There we go.” He sighed softly. “How’s that?” Victor asked softly as both of Mika’s tiny hands came around the bottle in an attempt to grip it. Victor held on to the bottle as Mika gulped the milk down rapidly. “Slowly baby, you don’t want to choke.” Victor frowned as he released the bottle from Mika’s lips to slow him down. “Slowly, okay?” Victor chuckled as he guided the nipple of the bottle back between Mika’s lips. “There we go, my sweet.” Victor said softly as Mika finished off the bottle. “I haven’t got a banana for you but we can get you one later when we get back to the hotel.” Victor said as he strapped Mika back into his carrier.

“Shall we go for a short walk? Your fever has definitely subsided a little and you’re not sweating so much. That’s good.” Mika tiredly hummed as he closed his eyes, Victor picking him up. “We’ll take a walk around the block and then be back in time to stream the gala.” Victor said as he left the café. “And then later we’ll have dinner with momma.”  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri was preparing for the audience to start filing in when his phone went off. He put down his water bottle and reaching for his jacket, he pulled his phone out to see a new text from Victor. A bit of concern began to rise within him as he hesitantly slid the message open.

From: Victor 🥰

[[New Image]](https://www.instagram.com/p/BvAm869ltJs/)

Cheering you on for the gala – I promise we’ll be watching! Have fun💕

And Yuuri could swear to god that he almost cried. He sniffled, dabbing his tears as a smile crossed his face because damn… Victor and Mika were so cute together. Mika had a smile, an expression that perfectly mimicked Victor’s – the resemblance was uncanny. His smile spread wide across his face as he dabbed his eyes dry with the sleeve of his top.

“Are you okay?” Stephane asked, and Yuuri nodded with a fond face, turning his phone to Stephane, who glanced at the picture and laughed. “See? Isn’t everything looking so much better now.” Stephane said with an encouraging squeeze of Yuuri’s shoulder.

“Yeah…” Yuuri sighed contently.

To: Victor 🥰  
How cute 😍 are you having fun?

From: Victor 🥰  
We are! I took him out for lunch, we went for a short walk and now he’s asleep. Hoping he’ll be awake to watch the gala 😁

To: Victor 🥰  
It’ll be starting soon, but I’m the last skater before the finale. I’m sure he’ll be awake!

From: Victor 🥰  
We’ll be watching 😉

Yuuri laughed fondly and put his phone away. It wasn’t long before the audience began to file in, and the first group of skaters prepared to get on the ice.  
———————————————————————  
When Victor got back to the hotel he put Mika’s carrier down on the bed and kicked his shoes off. With a sad sigh, he looked at all of Mika’s things, splayed out all over the bed. All of the things he’d have to pack up. Gently, he unstrapped Mika from his carrier and laid him down in his cot, where Mika instantly rolled into his stomach, his tiny fist clutching the handkerchief that remained in the cot, before wiggling back onto his back. Victor smiled fondly, kissing his head before going back over to the bed.

Victor laid Mika’s now dried bath towel out. Then, on top of that, his spare blanket, play mat, and his extra bath towel before folding them up into a neat square. He piled Mika’s jumpers up, folding each one in half twice before sliding them into the bag. Then, Mika’s tiny coat. He delicately buttoned it, folding the sleeves in before compressing it into a rectangle. He stacked up baby grows and tops and pants, fitting them into the bag before slotting in the extra diapers and wipes and toys, all of Mika’s other extra bits and pieces. In the second bag he fitted in Mika’s milk powder, his jars of food, bottles, cutlery, more wipes… it was just so sad having to pack away his child’s things…

Victor finished the job, leaving both bags by the door ready to go when he met up with Yuuri. He stood over Mika’s crib, watching as the infant dozed off. He thought about their inevitable separation in just a few hours time and couldn’t help it when his eyes started to well and he started to sniffle. Victor sat down next to the crib, reaching his hand between the bars to gently touch Mika’s hand. Instantly, tiny fingers wrapped around his finger, pulling more tears from his eyes. Victor stared longingly at Mika – at his chubby cheeks and his chubby thighs, his tiny hands and chunky arms. Mika was perfect. Victor would give up everything for him without a single question. His thumb gently stroked Mika’s digits as they held on tightly to Victor’s finger. He watched as Mika dribbled a little onto the handkerchief his free hand held, wiggling a little as he grumbled in his sleep.

“I’m going to miss you, baby.” Victor sniffled as he watched him sleep. “But me and momma, we’ll figure something out.” He sighed softly. “We always did. Even though… well… figuring this out took us two years and we still haven’t… really figured anything out.” He huffed in amusement. “But the point is we’re trying.” He sighed softly. “Even if it takes us… two more years to get to where we want to be we’ll get there.” Victor promised. “You’re our little boy. We’d do anything for you. We’ll always try our best for you.” Victor gently ran his thumb over Mika’s tiny fingers, squeezing them softly.

It wasn’t long before Mika awoke with a grumble, bright, cerulean eyes staring over at Victor.

“Hey, baby.” He chuckled. Mika released Victor’s finger, his arms reaching up for Victor. With a fond laugh, Victor picked him up. “Great timing. Momma will be skating in twenty minutes time.” He sat down on the bed, Mika between his legs as he pulled up his iPad.  
———————————————————————  
“On the ice, men’s silver medalist Yuuri Katsuki.” Yuuri removed his blade guards, passing them to Stephane before stepping onto the ice. The crowd cheered as he took a lap around the ice before taking his starting position. Much like his short program and free program, Yuuri was beginning to feel much differently about his exhibition piece. After spending the weekend with Victor Yuuri felt more free. More confident in himself and in Victor.

“Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.  
Sometimes I feel like giving up,  
But I just can't,  
It isn't in my blood.”

Stephane choreographed this skate for Yuuri because when they worked together for the first time and Yuuri spent that December two years ago in Switzerland, he would find Yuuri skating to this, almost venting his feelings through skating. Mika would be asleep, wrapped up warm in blankets as he sat in his carrier on the bench.

“Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing.  
I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something.  
I could take to ease my mind slowly…  
Just have a drink and you'll feel better.  
Just take her home and you'll feel better.  
Keep telling me that it gets better.  
Does it ever?”

It would be close to seven a.m. Yuuri would be on the ice, skating laps, steps, random pieces of choreography that Stephane assumed Victor had made him. Then, he’d stop, take a drink, and Stephane would notice just how distant Yuuri was. He would see how much built up anger, frustration, and betrayal was inside of Yuuri, how much sadness and regret he harboured. Stephane helped him skate his feelings out that December, and Yuuri had always been thankful for that. It was only nine months later at the beginning of this current season that Yuuri had been able to properly open his heart like this to the public. And now, he was finally ready to share those emotions he felt with Victor through skating.

“Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.  
Sometimes I feel like giving up,  
No medicine is strong enough.”

Yuuri’s first jump was a triple salchow. With a deep breath and both arms up, he jumped, landing perfectly. He smiled fiercely, a coursing electricity running through his body because for once, he was enjoying the exhibition. This season he had gone through four exhibitions – this was his fifth, and so far, the only one where he felt like he was enjoying himself. “The walls really were caving in at the time.” Yuuri thought to himself as he went through his step sequence. “But they seem to be opening up a little again.”

“Someone help me,  
I'm crawling in my skin.  
Sometimes I feel like giving up,  
But I just can't.  
It isn't in my blood…  
It isn't in my blood.”

Yuuri’s triple-triple combination was perfect, lighting a proud flame inside of him as he skated. He smiled, the crowd cheering for him as he imagined Mika – his bright smile, his tiny hands, those baby blue eyes that were identical to Victor’s. Yuuri’s ina bauer transitioned into a double axel, arms above his head as he maintained his centre of gravity. “I always felt like giving up.” Yuuri sighed softly as he skated. “But I always overcame that feeling too.” He jumped a double loop, landing to the cheer of the audience.

“I'm looking through my phone again, feeling anxious,  
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this.  
I'm trying to find a way to chill, can't breathe, oh.”

Yuuri hoped he’d get the chance to talk to Victor about seeing Mika more – even just after seeing them he could see how much a father needed his son, and the other way around too. Yuuri could see the way Victor’s eyes lit up even at the mention of Mika’s name. He could see a flame in Victor when he looked at Mika, one that sparks hope in him. Yuuri could never tear that away from Victor. “I was always afraid to be alone. I can’t leave you and especially not Mika feeling like that, ever.” Yuuri thought as his feet danced and his blades scratched.

“Is there somebody who could  
Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.  
Sometimes I feel like giving up,  
No medicine is strong enough.  
Someone help me…  
I'm crawling in my skin.  
Sometimes I feel like giving up,  
But I just can't…”

There were so many things that Victor missed out on and Yuuri felt so much guilt over it everyday. He’d missed Mika’s birth, feeding him, changing him… Victor had missed out on so many fatherly things and Yuuri knew they were both at fault for that but it didn’t stop the overwhelming feelings of guilt Yuuri had harboured. Yuuri wanted a chance to change all of that, more importantly, he wanted to give Victor a chance at being a father because he deserves it. And Mika does too.

“It isn't in my blood,  
It isn't in my blood.  
I need somebody now.  
I need somebody now.  
Someone to help me out…  
I need somebody now.”

Yuuri still had all of his insecurities and his doubts, he still had his mental illnesses and barriers. But now, now that Victor was back in his life, they just seemed that much more manageable. Yuuri didn’t feel so enclosed and suffocated. He didn’t feel so anxious with every step or paranoid about every choice he made. He didn’t feel the constant looming darkness he’d felt for the last two years. All of those insecurities and doubts and mental barriers just seemed to be so much more insignificant than before.

“Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.  
Sometimes I feel like giving up,  
But I just can't…”

Yuuri’s worst fear had always been not being good enough. Not being good enough for Victor, or for Mika, but especially for Mika. But Yuuri found confidence in himself over the past day, and he had found that confidence in Victor. And if Yuuri did say so himself, he had done incredibly well for a single parent and competitive figure skater in one. Yuuri also knew he’d do even better… with Victor by his side.

“It isn't in my blood,  
It isn't in my blood.  
It isn't in my blood,  
I need somebody now…  
It isn't in my blood,  
I need somebody now…  
It isn't in my blood.”

Yuuri was tired, out of breath, and sweaty by the time his butterfly jump became a scratch spin and he took his final position on the ice. Yuuri hopes that Victor had watched him skate, he had promised after all, and Victor never broke promises to Yuuri. Apart from… one. And arguably the only one that ever mattered – a promise of forever. Even now when Yuuri thought about how their marriage broke down it still hurt. How they could never fulfil their wedding vows was still painful but despite all that, Yuuri was seemingly content with the present.  
———————————————————————  
Victor watched Yuuri skate intensely, holding his breath as he paid attention to the steps. Yuuri always had a knack for being able to express anything through the way he move, especially when words failed him. Yuuri could tell any story, regardless of whether it’s the story of someone else, or his own, Yuuri tells it perfectly on the ice. It still amazes Victor, even years later, how talented and gorgeous Yuuri is. Yuuri was so expressive, Victor couldn’t pull his eyes away. He was almost in tears as he watched – Yuuri always did that to him, but even more so over the period they were apart.

“Isn’t momma beautiful?” Victor cooed. “He’s always beautiful.” He sighed softly as Mika gazed at his mother, eyes sparkling in admiration as he sat on Victor’s lap. “We’ll be seeing momma later for dinner before you leave.” Victor sighed sadly. “You know darling, I’ve spent the last two years trying to understand what we did wrong and I think… after spending this weekend with Yuuri I finally understand.” Victor said. “And now that I’ve figured that out… I hope we can fix it. For you. Because you deserve a functional family.” Victor squeezed his eyes shut, holding Mika close against his body.

“Has Yuuri ever thought about teaching you to skate?” Victor asked with a chuckle. “Maybe we can teach you together.” Victor said fondly. “You’ll get good presentation scores from momma and good technical scores from me.” He proudly smiled as he imagined Mika skating. “But If you take up something else that’s fine to. Me and mummy would always support our little one.” Victor sighed contently as he kissed the top of Mika’s head, his hands gently squeezing Mika’s chubby arms.

Victor could see Yuuri’s tear stained face and proud smile as Yuuri finished his final skate of the season. Despite all of Yuuri’s hardships he’d come out of this season on top, winning nothing but gold and silver medals and Victor was so proud of him. He may not be Yuuri’s coach anymore, or his husband, but Yuuri sure as hell is the most important person in his life —second to Mika— and Victor would always be proud of him. Victor laughed softly as Mika clapped his tiny hands, babbling away as he cheered for his mother.

To: Yuuri 💕  
You were amazing! We’re very proud 💕  
———————————————————————  
Yuuri was the last skater to leave the ice after the finale. He waved, smiling widely as he stepped off the ice. Stephane greeted him with a smile, passing him his skate guards. He clipped them on and turned around so Stephane could help him put his jacket on.

“Your phone went off.” Stephane said, handing Yuuri’s water bottle to him. “It’s probably Victor.” Yuuri nodded and reached into his pocket to check his phone.

From: Victor 🥰  
You were amazing! We’re very proud 💕

To: Victor 🥰  
Thanks ☺️ I’ll be back in about 15 minutes but I wanna shower before dinner

From: Victor 🥰  
Take your time 😁

“It’s nice to see you’re getting along.” Stephane commented as they walked.

“I’ve missed him.” Yuuri admitted. “I guess I’m just scared of overstepping or… ruining everything. I don’t think I could stomach ruining what we have again.” Yuuri said nervously as they stood outside the changing rooms.

“Get changed, we can talk about it on the way back.” Stephane offered as he took Yuuri’s bottle and jacket from him. Yuuri offered him a warm expression, and went into the changing rooms.

When Yuuri came out Stephane took his bags off him. “So. Talk to me.” He prompted, pulling a nervous sigh from Yuuri.

“We’re getting along.” Yuuri said. “And I really enjoy his company. I enjoy being around him and I miss having him but I’m scared to want more.” Yuuri expressed as they left the arena through the back door. “We ruined everything and lost everything last time and it’s taken me so long to build myself back up. I still haven’t built up the same level of self esteem I used to have.”

“So is this about yourself, or is this about what you want with Victor?” Yuuri shrugged.

“I don’t even know myself. A bit of both, probably?” Yuuri mumbled quietly. “I’m too scared to build up anything more than I already have with Victor. Right now we’re getting along well and Mika is doing well but what if it actually developed into… something more and then it came crumbling down again?” Yuuri asked rhetorically as he let out an exasperated sigh. “Then my fairytale life falls apart once more and I’m left to pick up the pieces all alone.”

“You’re scared of making the same mistakes but I know you won’t.” Stephane said. “If your gut is telling you to reach out to Victor, and meet him half way, then do it. Don’t avoid him and don’t hold yourself back. I’m sure he wants you too, heck, he’s probably as troubled as you are. But for now, enjoy the rest of your evening with him. You can worry about everything else later.” He squeezed Yuuri’s shoulder encouragingly as Yuuri let out a shaky breath.

“Thank you.”  
———————————————————————  
Knowing Yuuri, he’d be in something comfortable – a pair of jeans with the hems rolled up, comfortable shoes and a nice blouse. So Victor was going to match that. High waisted black jeans and a black lace blouse and wow, Victor looked good if he did say so himself. Just as he’d finished getting changed his phone went off.

From: Yuuri 💕  
Just got back to my room. I’ll be down once I’ve showered ☺️

To: Yuuri 💕  
Ready when you are! 😁

Victor pulled out a casual black blazer from his suitcase and put it on the bed. “Momma will be here in a bit. Are you excited to see him?” Victor cooed as he watched Mika entertain himself with a shape cube. He sat down next to him, holding up a triangle. “Where does this one go, baby?” Victor asked as Mika stared at the plastic shape, pondering in thought. His tiny hand reached up, grasping the triangle from Victor’s hand. Victor watched as he tried to push the triangle into the corresponding hole and after a few tries, he got it. “Well done, baby.” Victor cooed, clapping his hands as Mika babbled with a happy smile.

Victor picked Mika up and held him against his chest. Mika tucked his face into the junction between his neck and shoulder, smiling widely as his hands grasped at Victor’s chest. “Careful of the lace, darling.” He chuckled, his hand gently stroking Mika’s hair. “This is a brand new shirt.” He laughed, kissing the top of Mika’s head. “Mummy should be here soon, I’m sure you’ll be happy to see him.” Victor crooned as Mika drooled a little on his shirt. And at that moment, there was a knock on the door. “That’ll be momma.” Victor chuckled.

He stood from the bed, Mika in one arm as he opened the door. Yuuri was there, in exactly what Victor thought – a blouse and a pair of jeans. He smiled fondly, moving aside to let him in. “Hey.” Mika instantly reached for Yuuri, smile bright and arms outstretched towards him.

“Hi, baby.” Yuuri cooed, taking Mika from Victor’s arms. “Hey.” Yuuri sighed with a smile, bouncing Mika up and down in his arms. “How’s he been?” He asked as Mika cuddled up to his mother.

“Perfect as always.” Victor mused. “You look nice.” He complimented with a smile.

“Thanks.” Yuuri blushed faintly. “As do you, Mr. Six-hundred dollar lace blouse.” Yuuri chuckled.

“Well I decided to dress to match your blouse-and-jeans style.” Victor said with a lilting tone as he watched Mika fight for his mother’s attention.

“How did you know what I’d be wearing?” Yuuri pouted with a soft frown, by Victor laughed fondly.

“Yuuri, how long have I known you? How many times have we been on a date together and you’ve worn a shirt and jeans?” Victor teased. Yuuri frowned again, pulling another chuckle from Victor.

"Fair point." Yuuri laughed softly, picking up Mika's bags. "Gimme a minute to take Mika's bags back to my room. I'll be back down in a moment." Victor nodded as Yuuri quickly sped down the corridor and to the lift. Yuuri quickly returned, this time, with a blazer to match Victor.

“Come on, let’s go.” Victor moved to the bed and picked up his blazer as Yuuri strapped Mika into his carrier. Victor opened the door. “After you.” Victor gestured.  
———————————————————————  
“How’s Switzerland?” Victor asked as they sipped at their drinks.

“Cold.” Yuuri said. “Mika isn’t the fondest of the weather, but other than that it’s a beautiful place. When you visit we—“

“You want me to visit?” Victor asked, taken aback by surprise.

“What?” Yuuri queried, just as surprised. “Of course we do.” Yuuri huffed fondly. “Mika’s too attached to you. He’d never forgive you if you didn’t come and visit.” Yuuri laughed, pulling a smile from Victor.

“I’ll book flights as soon as I return home.” Victor promised.

“We’d umm… we’d like it if we could see you more often too…” Yuuri said quietly. “It can get a little lonely when it’s just the two of us.” Yuuri sighed shyly as pink coloured his cheeks.

“Whenever you want I’ll be there.” Victor promised, reaching his hand across the table to squeeze Yuuri’s. “Well, reasonably, I can’t teleport.” Victor joked.

“As long as you give us a week’s notice.” Yuuri chuckled softly. “But knowing you you’d just turn up out of nowhere.” Yuuri joked softly.

“Well, I might compromise and give you three days notice.” Victor chuckled as a plate was put in front of him. He gave the waitress a quiet thanks as she set another plate in front of Yuuri, and a jar of heated baby food for Mika.

“Three days is good enough I suppose.” Yuuri laughed, cutting a piece of his lamb as Victor took a spoon into the jar of baby food.

“Mika, ahh—“ Victor prompted as he coaxed Mika’s mouth open. “Good boy.” He cooed as Mika slowly took the spoon into his mouth. “Oh, today I found out our little boy likes lasagne.”

“He what?” Yuuri laughed. “You fed him lasagne?”

“He was giving me doe-y eyes!” Victor exclaimed. “How could you say no to him!” Victor pouted as Yuuri continued to laugh.

“You’re spoiling him already.” Yuuri said. “I dread to think of what else you’ll spoil him with in the future. I’m telling you now Victor we will not raise him spoilt!” Yuuri explicitly stated.

“But Yuuri! What if he wants something and we can give it to him?” Victor protested.

“He’ll have to earn it.” Yuuri countered. “Well, depending on what it is of course.”

“Okay but what about a treat? Once in a while?”

“A treat to you is probably a pony and a stable, Victor.” Yuuri chuckled softly as he took a spoonful of mash. “Here, darling. I can’t imagine baby food is very tasty.” He mused, allowing Mika to nibble at the bit of potato.

“But he’s my only child! And I’m not allowed to spoil him?” Victor pouted, cutting at his steak.

“No. We will not raise a spoilt child.” Victor gave him a defeated sigh.

“But I don’t have anyone else to spoil.” Victor frowned with another pout as he looked at Yuuri with pleading eyes.

“Well you can spoil him when he grows up. Baby, open up.” Yuuri coaxed Mika’s mouth open, gently slotting the spoon in. “Good boy.” Yuuri cooed. “But he won’t grow up thinking he can have anything whenever he wants.”

“Yes Yuuri…” Victor pouted again with a defeated sigh and an amused huff.

“So, back on topic. How often are you going to coming to visit?” Yuuri asked, continuing to feed Mika.

“It depends – are you staying the whole off season in Switzerland?” Victor asked as he cut up a potato.

“I’m not sure yet.” Yuuri said. “I intend to go home for a few weeks, maybe? But since next season is my last season, I really want to give it everything.” Yuuri explained as he spooned Mika another bit of mash. “I can let you know though, when I’ve sorted my schedule out? I think I’ll be home sometime in April or May? And then back in Switzerland from July-ish. I don’t know, I’ll figure it out and let you know.” Victor nodded.

“Technically I could come whenever I want, but my coach responsibilities, or more specifically, that one feisty kitten I’m coaching, would have something to say about that.” Victor snorted as Yuuri laughed fondly.

“You said you didn’t want me to send you money to help with Mika so instead I’ll put money away in a savings account for him if that’s okay?” Victor suggested as he fed Mika the last bit of food.

“Oh, I didn’t even think about that!” Yuuri exclaimed. “Yeah, that’s a good idea.” Yuuri let out a sigh of relief.

“Can we talk about… after you retire? Are you moving back to Japan?” Yuuri released an exhausted sigh.

“Yeah. To be honest I don’t… I really don’t know what I’m going to do or what’s going to happen with me. Or w-with us.” Yuuri mumbled quietly with a faint blush as he finished off his plate.

“It’s okay.” Victor reassured. “We can figure it out along the way.” He promised. “I know you’re worried about Mika, about us. I know we aren’t really a functional family but we can figure it out.” Victor squeezed his hand across the table, his thumb rubbing soft circles at the junction between Yuuri’s index finger and thumb.

“I know.” Yuuri mumbled quietly, his racing heart slowly calming itself down at the touch of Victor’s hand. He relaxed a little, feeling the warmth of Victor’s hand as he let out a shaky breath. “I just hope we figure it out quickly.” Yuuri huffed in amusement.

“We will. We should get back to the hotel. It’s getting late.” Victor said. Yuuri nodded, standing up. He picked Mika up out of his high chair and strapped him into his carrier as Victor slid his blazer on. “Can I hold him?” Yuuri looked up at him, carrier in hand.

“Of course.” Yuuri handed the carrier to Victor, who’s eyes just glowed, beaming as he stared at little Mika. “He’s going to really miss you.” Victor sighed softly, gazing down at their son, who nonchalantly entertained himself as they left the restaurant. “And… me, too…” Yuuri shyly admitted. “It’s been nice to have sat down and had dinner where we aren’t at each other’s throats or… not on speaking terms.”

“Yuuri?”

“Hmm?” Yuuri noticed that Victor had stopped in his tracks, a nervous look on his face. Yuuri stopped a step in front of him.

“I really missed you.” He said quietly, holding his breath as he watched Yuuri’s eyes sparkle in the moonlight. “I really, really miss you.” Victor almost whispered as he gazed at Yuuri, admiring how beautiful his eyes were and how his skin glowed and how the corners of his soft lips turned up into a tiny smile. “I’ve missed holding your hand, kissing your face, just… the little things about you.” Victor’s voice trailed off as Yuuri’s cheeks flushed pink, his heart pounding.

Yuuri didn’t know what to say – he wanted nothing more than to grab Victor’s face and stand on the tips of his toes to kiss him. With a shaky breath, Yuuri stepped forewords and gently grasped his hand, squeezing slightly. “I’ve missed all of that too.” Yuuri mumbled quietly. “I’ve missed the feeling of your hand in mine, tucking my head under your chin, resting my head on your chest…” Yuuri sighed. “But you know we can’t have that again, not yet.” Victor nodded.

“I know… I’m sorry, I just wanted you to know how much I miss you.” Victor squeezed Yuuri’s hand, swallowing the lump in his throat and holding back tears that threatened to fall.

“I’m sorry too.” Yuuri said softly. “Come on, let’s head back.” Yuuri slid his hand away from Victor’s, and Victor’s palm felt cold again as Yuuri slipped from his grasp.

The walk back was silent, the two of them just basking in each other’s company quietly. They got into the lift of the elevator, pressing the buttons for their floors. The door opened to Yuuri’s floor, and Yuuri was about to bid his goodbye.

“Yuuri?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I walk back to your room?” Victor asked, and a fond smile covered Yuuri’s face.

“Of course.” Victor followed Yuuri out of the elevator, around the corner and down the corridor to his room before they stopped at the door. Victor put Mika’s carrier on the floor and knelt down.

“Goodbye, baby.” He said quietly, kissing Mika’s forehead. “Be good for mummy and I’ll see you soon.” Victor sniffled as a tear fell from his eye, landing on Mika’s body. “I love you more than anything in the world, and daddy will always be here.” His thumb brushed his cheek before he took ahold of Mika’s palms. He kissed the centre of his palms softly before releasing them.

“A-bai!” Mika babbled as he gently hit the top of Victor’s hair with his hand. Victor smiled fondly, giving him one last kiss before he stood up, handing the carrier to Yuuri, who opened the door.

“Bye, Yuuri.” Victor sighed, wrapping his arms around his waist. Yuuri relaxed into his embrace, his face finding comfort in Victor’s chest. “Have a safe flight tomorrow. Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe.” Yuuri nodded, pulling away.

“I will.” Yuuri sighed softly. “Have a safe flight too, Victor.” Yuuri smiled fondly as his free hand grasped Victor’s hand, squeezing reassuringly.

“If you need me, I’ll be here for you. Just drop me a text or phone me and I’ll be there.” Victor promised. “I don’t want you to slip through my fingers again.” Victor admitted, pulling a soft blush and a smile from Yuuri.

“I know. Thank you. And you too, if you need anything, just phone.” Yuuri said, rubbing his thumb over Victor’s hand before releasing them. Victor nodded.

“I’ll see you soon?” Yuuri nodded.

“See you soon.” Victor kissed Yuuri’s forehead, his lips lingering against his skin before pulling away. Victor watched as Yuuri turned around and closed the door.

Victor didn’t let his tears fall until he got back to his room. He sat himself down on the bed and glanced around at the pulled out sofa bed, and then at the crib before he broke down. Victor could feel his heart tearing in two as he reminisced in the feeling of holding his little boy, and the feeling of having him pressed against his chest. Victor could still feel Mika’s hand on his head, he could still hear those cute little babbles. He could still feel the pain in his back from sleeping in the crib. Victor picked up his phone and stared at the lock screen, at the picture of him and Mika with identical smiles, Mika in his adorable cable knit sweater as he waved. Victor wished he’d taken more photos.

Victor cried for what felt like forever. His heart felt crushed – he could physically feel Mika being pulled away from him and it hurt like a bitch. Out of every pain Victor had ever experienced— heartbreak, slamming his body full force on the ice, forcing vomit up his throat— being separated from Mika again was the most heart wrenching feeling. Tears streaked his face, now red and puffy as he sniffled. He sucked in a shaky breath, calming himself down as he felt his head throb with a dull pain. With an exhausted, shaky sigh, Victor got out of his clothes, throwing them onto the suitcase before sliding something more comfortable onto his body.

Victor had just pulled the duvet over him when he noticed a flash of blue— Mika’s blanket, trapped between the duvet. Shaking hands picked it up, feeling the soft, fluffy material, chuckling sadly at the dried drool marks and the nibbled corners. He brought the blanket up, cuddling it close to his chest before slipping out of bed. He should return this.  
———————————————————————  
Victor squeezed the blanket in his hands as he stood outside Yuuri’s door. A hesitant fist rapped against the door and Victor held his breath as he waited for Yuuri to answer. Victor’s breath hitched as he heard the click of the door.

“Victor? Are you okay?” Yuuri asked as he opened the door.

“I— I umm…” Victor squeezed the blanket harder as he stared at the floor. “I found this and… I must have forgotten to pack it.” Victor mumbled as he looked up at Yuuri.

“Oh.” Yuuri sighed with a content smile as Victor’s gaze had shifted back to the floor. Yuuri was about to take it from his hands when he noticed Victor’s grip tighten as he bit his lip. “You should keep it.” Yuuri smiled, and Victor’s gaze glittered with joy.

“But what about Mika?” Victor asked, his brows pinched together.

“Mika will have something to say about it,” Yuuri laughed softly, “but he has plenty more. Keep it, to remind you of him.” Yuuri sighed contently as Victor held the blanket to his chest.

“Thank you.” Victor smiled wearily. “Is he… is he asleep?” Yuuri nodded.

“Yeah. But come and give him a kiss. You’ll miss each other a lot when you’re apart.” Yuuri smiled, shuffling out of the way to let Victor into the room. Victor went over to the crib where Mika slept soundly, lying on his back, fist clutching the handkerchief Victor had gifted him. Yuuri came up behind him. “He refuses to let go off the handkerchief you gave him.” Yuuri laughed fondly as he stood next to Victor, who stroked their son’s cheek. “I think he’ll take that handkerchief in exchange for the blanket any day.” Yuuri chuckled. Victor smiled softly as a tear rolled down his face as he watched Mika sleep.

Victor leaned over the crib and kissed Mika’s forehead. He picked up each hand, kissing Mika’s palms. “Bring Mika over some time.” Victor requested quietly as Mika grasped his finger. Yuuri nodded.

“Of course.”

Victor released Mika’s hand, tucking the substitute blanket back over his body before giving him another kiss. “I’ll leave you to sleep.” Yuuri followed Victor out of the door and stood at the frame.

“Have a safe journey home, Victor.” Yuuri smiled softly.

“You too.” Victor sighed contently as Yuuri gazed at him. “Yuuri?”

“Mmh?”

_Say it, Victor._

“I—“

_Just say it, force the words out! Just tell him you love him, and mean it._

Three words got stuck in his throat, refusing to come out as Victor stood dumbly in front of Yuuri.

“Never mind.” He couldn’t say it. Yuuri wouldn’t be ready to hear it and Victor didn’t want to force a wedge between them when they were just rekindling. “Goodbye, Yuuri.”

“Bye, Victor.” Victor leaned forwards, kissing Yuuri’s forehead as Yuuri wrapped his arms around Victor’s waist. Yuuri sighed contently, relishing in Victor’s warmth as they stood quietly at the door. Yuuri didn’t want to let go. His fingers gripped at Victor’s back as Victor’s nose brushed his forehead, one hand cupping the back of Yuuri’s head and the other around his waist. Yuuri closed his eyes, relaxing against his body as he felt Victor’s heart thump against his chest.

Victor released him all too quickly, kissing his forehead again. Yuuri blushed as Victor’s lips touched his head again, his heart pounding as he let Victor go. Victor left down the corridor, blanket in his hands and Yuuri watched him enter the elevator before closing the door. Yuuri released a shaky breath, eyes tearing up as he went back over to the crib, hovering over Mika.

“He really loves you, solnyshko.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> URGH I COULDN'T GET THE IMAGES TO WORK TODAY.  
> If you wanna see Victor and Mika's selfie, click [here!](https://www.instagram.com/p/BvAm869ltJs/)
> 
> Next Chap:  
> Oh man I need a minute to think


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri and Mika leave Boston.  
> Yuuri discovers something accidentally packed in Mika's things.

Victor laid on the bed, Mika’s blanket held to his chest as he stared at the ceiling. He squeezed the soft, minky fabric between his fingertips. The last weekend had felt like a dream. He had Yuuri, he had Mika, and they were everything Victor could have asked for. But now the weekend was over, and so was Victor’s fantasy. Tomorrow, he and Yuuri were going to go their separate ways, and Victor would go back to his lonely life in Russia - his life without Yuuri or Mika. 

Victor closed his eyes, face buried in Mika’s soft blanket as contemplated the void in his heart. Victor held his hand out in front of his face, staring at his ring finger. He hadn’t thought about his wedding ring in close to a year, but Victor couldn't help but wonder if things would be any different between them if they’d worked through their problems. However part of him told him that the reason they were able to get along well this weekend was because they had split up. Victor suddenly missed the feeling of his wedding ring on his finger. 

Victor still had Yuuri’s wedding and engagement rings locked away in a music box. He remembered the sharp clatter of metal against the floorboards when Yuuri posted them through the letter slot of their front door. Victor remembered the way he scrambled to pick them up, heart shattering as he watched the bright glitter of gold fade away. Victor remembered picking them up with shaking hands. They had sat on the coffee table, just waiting for Yuuri to return and put them back on his finger. But that never happened. So Victor locked them away. 

Victor wondered whether he’d ever get the chance to put another ring on Yuuri’s finger, wedding band or not.   
————————————————————————  
Yuuri met Stephane in the lobby early the next morning. 

“Hey. How’s Mika?” Stephane asked as he took Yuuri’s suitcase and training bag off him. 

“Hey. He’s better. Less feverish, less sweaty, still a bit ratty though.” Yuuri chuckled softly as he followed Stephane out of the hotel. “I’m not sure if his grumbly mood is because he misses Victor or if he’s still ill though.” Yuuri chuckled with a pitiful sigh, gazing earnestly at Mika, who was half asleep, half groggy. 

“And how was Victor?”Yuuri sighed sadly at the question as he climbed into the taxi, strapping Mika’s carrier into the seat. 

“Doing well. Better, I think.” Yuuri said. “Not much seems to have changed but… I guess I’m not really one to comment on that.” He mumbled quietly. “I did really enjoy his company, though. I finally felt like I wasn’t lonely. It was nice to not be bickering and arguing.” Yuuri’s finger stroked Mika’s cheek, who flinched slightly before relaxing into his mother’s touch. “Mika is very fond of him.” Yuuri laughed softly. “Victor already wants to spoil him rotten.” He chuckled. “I… really like him.” He sighed, his brows pinched together in uncertainty. “But it doesn’t feel like I’m falling back in love with the Victor I married, it feels more like Victor is a new person that I’m falling for.” 

The taxi came to a stop outside the airport and Yuuri picked Mika up and picked up his things. Stephane passed him his skate bag and took both suitcases out of the boot of the car. Yuuri followed Stephane to the check in desk before the conversation continued. 

“Is that a good thing?” Stephane asked, but Yuuri shrugged.

“I think so. I hope so… I know he has never stopped loving me but I guess it just feels different now. It feels more like he actually loves me rather than just tolerates me. I think that is a good thing.” Yuuri smiled, a tint of pink covering his cheeks. 

Once they had found their gate Yuuri sat down and took Mika out of his carrier and held him against his chest. Mika was still resting, shuffling in Yuuri’s arms as he tucked his face into the flesh of Yuuri’s breast. Yuuri kissed his forehead, smiled fondly as he gazed at his sleeping son. Oh, he should let Victor know he’s at the airport. 

To: Victor 🥰  
We’re at the airport now. Are you awake? x

Yuuri put his phone away and stood up from his seat. 

“I’m gonna head to the lounge and pick something up for Mika, I’ll be back in a bit.” Stephane nodded. 

“Sure. I’ll look after your stuff.” 

“Thanks.” Yuuri carried Mika in his arms, holding him against his shoulder as he walked. Mika had his arms around Yuuri’s neck, tiny, chubby legs on either side of his body as he nuzzled his face into Yuuri’s neck. Yuuri couldn’t help his fond laugh when Mika grumbled and shuffled in his sleep, pushing his face into Yuuri’s neck as he tried to get comfortable. Yuuri scented his son, calming him down a little. He felt as Mika visibly relaxed against him again. 

Yuuri made his way to the priority lounge. Once he’d scanned his card at the front desk, he made his way to the food stand. With one hand, he picked up a banana and two yoghurts, and took them to a comfortable seat at the corner of the room. Yuuri looked at his watch. It was close to eight a.m, and he supposed he should wake Mika up to eat something. Normally he’d let Mika sleep for as long as he needed to, but he didn’t want Mika to fly without having eaten something first. He allowed Mika to rest against him for a little longer before waking him up. 

“Darling?” Yuuri cooed quietly, gently running his hand up and down Mika’s back. “I have a banana for you, your favourite.” He singsonged, trying to coax Mika awake. “Come on darling, you’re going to want to eat something.” He crooned as Mika stirred slightly. It took Mika a little while to wake up, but eventually, big, cerulean eyes blinked open and a tiny yawn was pulled from Mika’s throat. “Morning, baby.” Yuuri greeted him with a kiss to the forehead as a grumpy Mika pouted. “Here, let me peel this for you.” 

Carefully balancing Mika in his lap, Yuuri peeled the banana and broke it in half. “Here, have a nibble of this.” Yuuri said as Mika grasped half of the banana in his hand. Mika sunk tiny teeth into the banana, smiling and babbling happily as bits of mushy banana dribbled down his chin. With a fond laugh, Yuuri pulled out his phone and snapped a picture. 

To: Victor 🥰  
[New Image]  
So you have something cute to wake up to ^^

Once Mika had finished the first half of the banana, Yuuri gave him the second half to nibble at. It was just a few moments later when Victor replied. 

From: Victor 🥰  
How cute 😍 have a safe flight darling 💕

Yuuri blushed a little. It felt just as it used to, to have Victor call him “darling”, even if it was via text message it still sent his heart jumping leaps and bounds.

To: Victor 🥰  
We will - you too ^^ 💕

When Mika finished the other half of his banana, he was already eager for his yoghurt. Hands outstretched, he whined and grumbled when he couldn’t get a hold of the yoghurt pot. 

“Alright, Alright, gimme a second, baby.” Yuuri laughed softly as he retrieved a spoon from the front pocket of Mika’s baby bag and pulled back the foiled lid. Mika babbled impatiently, his hands desperately reaching out for the creamy strawberry yoghurt. “Hey, be patient.” Yuuri playfully scolded, scraping the yoghurt from the lid. “Here you go.” Mika’s scrambled to get out of Yuuri’s arms instantly halted as the plastic spoon touched his lips. 

The look on Mika’s face melted Yuuri’s heart. Yoghurt dribbled down his chin as he cooed for more. Yuuri gently scraped the excess yoghurt from Mika’s chin, feeding it back into his mouth before giving him another bite. “Are you enjoying that? Yeah?” Yuuri chuckled as he watched Mika swallow down the yoghurt. Yuuri slowly fed Mika the rest of the yoghurt. “Now aren’t you glad I woke you up.” He cooed, sliding the second yoghurt into the side pocket of Mika’s bag. “Come on, we should get back to Stephane.” 

Bags on one shoulder and Mika resting against the other, Yuuri made his way back to the gate. 

“Looks like someone is awake.” Stephane commented when they sat back down. 

“Yeah, I woke him up to eat something before the flight. He was a little ratty, but after a banana and some yoghurt his mood seems to have gotten better.” Yuuri chuckled as Mika tiredly yawned against his chest, tiny fists gripping at his jacket. “Are you alright, baby?” Yuuri cooed, brushing his hand over Mika’s head. Mika grumbled, pouting as he buried his face in Yuuri’s chest. 

“You’re missing Victor, aren’t you?” Yuuri sighed sadly. “Shall we see if he’s got time to phone you? Hmm?” Yuuri pulled out his phone and shot a quick text to Victor. 

To: Victor 🥰  
Little Mika misses you. Have you got a moment to video call him? 

Yuuri had barely hit send before Victor was video calling him. 

“See, Mika, it’s daddy.” Yuuri cooed when he swiped his phone to answer. “Hey, Victor.” 

“How’s my little boy?” Victor cooed, watching as Mika’s face lit up at the sound of his voice. 

“adda!” Mika babbled, a huge smile covering his face when he saw Victor. 

“Hello, darling.” Victor’s heart melted at the sight of his son, his tiny palms patting the front camera of Yuuri’s phone. Victor was currently lying in bed on his side, head propped up on his arm and phone held in his free hand. 

“He’s been missing you so I figured you’d want to see each other before we board.” Yuuri explained as he held Mika against his chest, who was squirming in excitement at the sight of his father. “Hold still, darling, be careful.” Yuuri chuckled. 

“I miss you too, my darling baby boy.” Victor chuckled as Mika enthusiastically gurgled and babbled. “Are you being good for mommy?” Victor asked with a lilting tone, catching Mika’s attention again.

“An absolute dear as always.” Yuuri replied with a fond smile. 

“Of course. Our little one is always an angel.” Victor laughed from the other side of the line. “Aww, I miss his little smile already.” Victor sighed sadly. 

“It won’t be long before you see him.” Yuuri reassured, pulling a smile from Victor. At that moment, there was a boarding announcement over the tannoy. “That’s our flight. We’ll have to let you go now.” Yuuri smiled. “Say bye to daddy, Mika.” Yuuri cooed. 

“A-bai, adda!” Mika babbled, and Victor couldn’t help the sweet smile that crossed his face. 

“Bye bye, baby boy. Daddy loves you more than anything.” Victor promised, blowing a kiss through the camera. “Have a safe journey, Yuuri. Let me know when you get back safely.” Victor bid. 

“Thank you. You too, let us know when you get home. Bye, Victor.” 

“I will, bye. And Yuuri?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m so proud of you.” Yuuri’s face began to heat up, his heart thumping in his chest. To hear those words from Victor almost brought him to tears. He hadn’t heard them in so long.

“Thank you…” With one last loving smile at Mika, Victor cut the call. 

“Right, are you ready for a happy, comfortable flight now that you’ve seen daddy?” Yuuri crooned, kissing his head as he stood up. Yuuri picked up Mika’s bags and Stephane took his suitcase. 

“You got everything?” Stephane asked as they stood up. 

“Yeah, baby, bags, suitcase, all good.” Yuuri said as they joined the queue.   
————————————————————————  
Victor was struggling to get out of bed. He was mopey and miserable and just… sad. The mood was just lonely and somber. He craved so badly for Yuuri’s company again. So when his phone pinged and Yuuri texted him he was over the moon. Instantly, he called Yuuri. 

“See Mika, it’s daddy. Hey, Victor.” Yuuri stared in awe at his son, who was looking positively charming and adorable. Victor was so in love. Having a son was truly life changing, even if they didn’t see each other all the time.

“How’s my little boy?” Victor asked fondly as Mika gave him a loud “adda!”. “Hello, darling.” Victor crooned, gazing lovingly at Mika’s big smile. 

“He’s been missing you so I figured you’d want to see each other before we board.” Victor watched as Yuuri tried to get Mika to sit still. “Hold still, darling, be careful.” Victor laughed. Of course Mika was enthusiastic, just like his father as he tried to grasp at Victor through the phone screen.

“I miss you too, my darling baby boy. Are you being good for mommy?” Victor found himself enamoured by Yuuri and Mika, as he gazed in awe at their adorable mother and son bond. 

“An absolute dear as always.” Yuuri promised, pulling a relieved sigh from Victor. 

“Of course. Our little one is always an angel.” Victor commented with a soft laugh. Victor felt so content talking to them, his sour mood instantly vanquished. “Aww, I miss his little smile already.” Victor’s heart cracked just a little when he saw Mika and Yuuri smiling and coping at each other, but the sight was heartwarming all at the same time. 

“It won’t be long before you see him.” Just at that moment in the background, he could hear a bit of a blurry announcement over the speakers, catching Yuuri’s attention. “That’s our flight. We’ll have to let you go now.” Victor sighed sadly. “Say bye bye to daddy, Mika.” Yuuri encouraged, a tiny smile crossing Victor’s face. 

“A-bai, adda!”

“Bye bye, baby boy. Daddy loves you more than anything.” He blew Mika a loving kiss, hoping Mika would catch it. “Have a safe journey, Yuuri. Let me know when you get back safely.” 

“Thank you, you too. Let us know when you get home. Bye, Victor.” 

“I will, bye. And Yuuri?” 

“Hmm?”

“I’m so proud of you.” It was genuine, it was soft, and Victor’s heart fluttered as he watched Yuuri’s eyes water a little and a smile cross his face, accompanied by the softest blush. 

“Thank you.” Victor gave Yuuri one last loving, content smile before cutting the call. 

Victor sighed heavily. He stared at Yuuri’s contact photo, which filled the screen of his phone. It was a picture of Yuuri and Mika, Yuuri kissing their beloved son on the temple. The photo made Victor’s heart throb with joy, overflow with adoration and love. He looked at Yuuri, and then back at Mika and he couldn’t get over how strikingly similar they were. And… how adorable they both were too. Yuuri still had the same soft cheeks and button nose, and they both translated to Mika too. Yuuri had done such a great job at raising Mika alone over the last year and a half or so and while it made Victor feel heavy with regret for not being there, the pride he felt for Yuuri was much greater. 

His little family, even if they weren’t quite… a typical, functional family, they still made him the happiest man alive. Yuuri was still the love of his life, and now Mika, too. Victor locked his phone and replaced it back onto the bedside cabinet and got out of bed with a yawn and a stretch. Seeing Mika and Yuuri, even if only for a few minutes, turned his mood around, and while it was sad to see them leave, it was comforting to know that they’d be reunited again, too. 

Victor began packing his suitcase. He should have done so the night before but he was too busy wallowing in self pity to really care about packing his things. He folded his shirts and suits up, stacking them into his suitcase, and picked up one, two, thr-- That was strange. Victor had bought three ties with him for the competition, all three of which were black. And now one was missing. Dammit! That tie cost him over two hundred dollars and it was his favourite tie, he never went anywhere without it! Well, he didn’t have time to care about it. Bitter about his lost tie, he packed up the rest of his things and moved his suitcase to the door.   
————————————————————————  
Mika was so restless on the plane. He clutched Victor’s handkerchief in his tiny fists, but he just couldn’t make himself comfortable. Yuuri let out a sorry sigh as he found himself lost at what to do to help his son. From Mika’s bag, he pulled out a blanket. He unfolded it and… a tie? A black silk-satin tie had fallen out from the blanket. Yuuri recognised this tie - Victor never went anywhere without it. Yuuri remembered. Victor would always ask “Yuuri” Have you seen my tie?” and Yuuri would always laugh and roll his eyes, then dig it out for him. Yuuri smiled at the memory. Victor must have accidentally packed it - he’d have to let him know when they landed. 

Yuuri held the tie in his fingers for just a moment. Hesitant fingers brought it to his nose, inhaling the scent of apples and berries and strong chamomile. Yuuri hadn’t smelt Victor this… up close for years. He could feel his head becoming cloudy, just for a split second when that fresh scent of Victor filled his nose. He didn’t expect it to affect him two years later but… biology is an amazing, destructive force. But Yuuri couldn’t help but wonder… why hadn’t Victor’s scent affected him when they embraced the previous night? 

Yuuri bit his lip, tucking the tie into his jacket pocket. He turned his attention back to Mika, covering him in one of his spare blankets. “Is that better, baby?” But Mika just grumbled and grunted, tossing and turning again. With a defeated sigh, Yuuri picked Mika up out of the cot and held him against his shoulder, rocking him ever so slightly. He hummed quietly into Mika’s ear, trying to lull him to sleep. “It’s okay, darling.” Yuuri reassured. “We’ll see daddy again soon.” It broke Yuuri’s heart to tear them apart again, especially after seeing how much they had bonded and how much they adored each other. 

It took Yuuri a while, but Mika finally fell asleep. Yuuri replaced him back into his cot, tucking him in before sitting back in his seat. A few hours into the flight, a sharp pain hit him in the abdomen. He gasped, his fists clenching in the arm of his seat as he bit his lip. That pain, that sharp dig in his abdomen was the pain of something he could never forget - an upcoming heat. 

“Yuuri? Are you okay?” And Yuuri hoped to god he was.

“I think my heat will be here soon, maybe in a week’s time.” Yuuri whispered, relaxing back into his seat. “It’s been two years since I last had one so… I can’t say I’m surprised.” Yuuri sighed heavily. “I’ll be okay for now.” 

“You should probably head back home as soon as possible then.” Stephane advised.

“And here I was hoping it wouldn’t be here until the end of April.” Yuuri let out an exasperated sigh. “Though I suppose since I’ve given birth that’s going to change.” He snorted, rolling his eyes at himself. 

“Looks like your flight back to Japan needs to be rebooked.” Yuuri nodded. 

“I’ll sort it out when we get back.”  
————————————————————————  
Victor made himself comfortable in his seat, immediately putting up the barriers and reclining in his bed. He stared outside of the plane window, gazing up at the afternoon sky as he thought about Mika. Reaching for his bag, he pulled out Mika’s blanket, his fingers running over the soft fabric, smiling sadly at the dried drool marks and chewed corners. This truly was Mika’s favourite blanket. Victor felt sort of bad at first, taking Mika’s blanket from him, but Yuuri had reassured him that it was okay. This was the only piece of Mika he had.

He laid back on his seat, holding Mika’s blanket to his chest. Victor hadn’t realised how much he’d craved the company of someone else-- the company of Yuuri, more specifically-- until this weekend. Victor hadn’t realised how lonely he had been until he had company he genuinely enjoyed, and then that company was suddenly gone. Yuuri and Mika were gone before Victor was ready to let them go and suddenly he was all alone again. 

Victor was miserable the whole flight, snapping at Yurio and Georgi for being ‘loud’, despite the pair keeping to themselves.

“Jeez, what’s wrong with you?” Yurio grunted, frowning as Victor turned away from him. “You know what, don’t even answer that I don’t care. Be miserable, but don’t make everyone else miserable too.” Yurio scolded, but Victor didn’t care to listen.

Victor gave him an acquiescent “mm,” before continuing to pity himself.   
————————————————————————  
Yuuri was hit in the abdomen by waves of cramps at least four more times over the rest of the duration of their flight. He was tired and in pain, unable to sleep a single wink because of them. The cramps died down for a little while, and Yuuri thanked the lords above. However, his little celebration was short lived as the cramps returned as soon as he’d made it back home. 

To: Victor 🥰  
We’re home. Also I think I found one of your ties packed up with Mika’s things? Just thought I’d let you know in case you were missing it. Hope you’ve made it back safely 😌

Yuuri prepared himself a hot water bottle, grumbling as he clutched his abdomen with his free hand. He filled the water bottle with hot water, replacing it into its cover and laid down on the bed, a very tired Mika napping next to him. He smiled over at his son, who was sprawled out on his back like a starfish. As if sensing his mother’s presence, Mika rolled onto his side with a quiet grumble, tucking himself up to Yuuri’s under arm and shoulder. Yuuri laughed fondly, kissing his head as he tugged the blanket over them both, bringing his arm around Mika’s tiny shoulders to hold him close. He pulled out his tablet and opened it, sighing heavily as he opened up his booking confirmation to his flight to Japan, which was supposed to be at the end of April. With shaking hands and an anxious sigh, he phoned the airline company. 

“Hi, I’d like to change the dates for my flight on the thirtieth of April to Fukuoka International Airport from Geneva International Airport?”  
————————————————————————  
When the Russian team landed in Pulkovo International Airport, Victor didn’t even bother to stay behind and wait for everyone else. Off the plane he was, straight to claim his suitcase. Victor didn’t get a proper chance to check his phone until he got into the taxi. He turned it off flight mode, eagerly waiting for a text from Yuuri. And sure enough, there was one. 

From: Yuuri 💕  
We’re home. Also I think I found one of your ties packed up with Mika’s things? Just thought I’d let you know in case you were missing it. Hope you’ve made it back safely 😌

Victor’s face lit up. So they were home safe. He sighed in relief as he read the rest of the text - oh! That’s where his tie went! After a miserable flight, there was finally a smile on Victor’s face.

To: Yuuri 💕  
Glad you’re home safe! I just landed too. I was looking for that tie this morning, I’m glad you have it 😁 oh, let me know when you’re free? Would like to see my favourite boys asap 😌  
————————————————————————  
Yuuri sighed heavily. With his cramps soothed and his flights changed and his darling son fast asleep, it was finally time for Yuuri to wind down and relax a little, to take a nap. He sighed heavily, holding his hot water bottle to his abdomen and he turned onto his side, Mika’s face turning to his neck with a quiet yawn. 

Victor told him he was proud of Yuuri. I’m so proud of you. He said, and for the first time in a long time, Yuuri really felt it. He could feel the sincerity in Victor’s words and he could see in Victor’s eyes how much pride for Yuuri was there. There are a lot of things they still need to say to each other, and things they need to know about each other, but in due time, Yuuri told himself. For now, they just needed to take some time to figure themselves out, and just appreciate what they had at the moment. 

Yuuri chuckled softly. Mika was so gorgeous, if only Victor could see them like this now. Yuuri readjusted himself, curling his arm under Mika to support his head and neck against his shoulder. With his other hand, he brought it to Mika’s face, gently caressing his baby soft cheeks. He poked his cheek gently, giggling in amusement as Mika flinched, grumbling as he turned his head away. 

“I’ll stop now.” Yuuri mused, tucking himself properly under the covers. “Rest well, darling. Mommy and daddy love you.”   
————————————————————————  
“When do you fly home then?” Stephane asked, two days later when they met up to discuss Yuuri’s last season.

“At the end of this week.” Yuuri sighed heavily. “Hopefully I’ll make it home before my heat actually starts because otherwise I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Yuuri frowned, his brow creasing as he rested his cheek on the palm of his hand. “I got over-the-counter emergency suppressants yesterday, just in case.” Yuuri huffed. “I’ll be back two weeks later, though. So we can keep working on the choreography.” 

“Have you decided what it is you want to skate to yet?” Yuuri let out a bit of a grumble. 

“I have some ideas but… no, not really. It’s my last season and I want something that really… speaks.” Yuuri mumbled, his brows pinched together in thought. 

“Well, you don’t need to decide right away. Just gather some ideas and we’ll think of something.” Stephane reassured him with a squeeze to his shoulder. “Like you said, it’s your last season, so think carefully about what you want to skate too, or more importantly, what the last message is that you want to send through your skating.” 

“Does a season really need a theme?” Yuuri asked insightfully as he gazed lovingly at Mika, who had Victor’s handkerchief between tiny teeth. 

“Well not really.” Stephane responded. “But it normally helps skaters find inspiration or find some stable ground to stand on.” Yuuri gave him a non-committal hum as he contemplated what his theme should be, or even if he wanted one. “You’d be a bit stumped if someone were to ask what your theme was though. Stephane chuckled light-heartedly. “Think of it as something that inspires you, rather than something to draw inspiration from.” Stephane looked at his watch. “So I’ll see you when you get back from Japan?” Yuuri nodded, picking Mika up in one hand. 

“Yeah. I’ll have a think about a theme, or at least something I want to skate to over the next few days, at least until my head is clouded with hormones.” Yuuri snorted sarcastically. “See you in a few weeks time.” 

“See you soon.” 

Yuuri stood up from his chair and left the lounge area of the rink to head home. He still had some things to pack for the flight home.  
————————————————————————  
Every time Yuuri even touched Victor’s tie it sent sparks through his body. And then every time he smelt it he could feel his scent glands going haywire on the side of his neck. Yet he just couldn’t stop. This tie wasn’t just any tie either. It was the one Victor would wear at any given opportunity. The one that had spent the most time around Victor’s neck and— and covering Victor’s scent gland. The tie smelt so strongly of Victor, especially at the narrower end, where it would touch his neck through his shirt. 

Yuuri felt incredibly guilty, packing the tie into the suitcase. But even if it was just one tie of Victor’s, he was going to need it. He hadn’t had a heat since before they got a divorce - Yuuri had no idea how his body was going to react without anything that smelt of Victor. In fact, he didn’t even realise his pre-heat body would still react to Victor’s intoxicating scent. Though he supposed he should have expected that - they were still bonded, after all. 

This was going to be the worst heat Yuuri had ever experienced, that was for sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:  
> Yuuri's very sad, very lonely heat comes.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri’s heat is here and he’s never felt so lonely.  
> Meanwhile Victor’s mood is off the rails as he worries about his texts to Yuuri that have gone unreturned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry for the tardiness of this chapter! I came home from uni and I’ve just been spending a lot of time with my family and finishing my work for the year. But now with uni done for the year I can focus on writing! 
> 
> Honestly don’t expect any great smut because it’s supposed to be unsatisfying LOL
> 
> Change of rating from T to E!

_ “Ah… ahh… hnng…” _

 

Yuuri’s breath was heavy, the atmosphere hot and sticky as Yuuri rutted against the blanket, desperate for a satisfying release. He was tired and dizzy and sore all over as the hand beneath his body became tired, continuously thrusting the dildo in and out of his wet, messy hole. The fingers of his other hand gripped the bedsheets, wrapped around the tie that he so desperately tried to squeeze Victor’s scent from. He whimpered, more and more moans tumbling from his soft, supple lips as he tried to force another orgasm out of him.

 

_ But it was just so tiring. _

 

Yuuri came one last time, biting into his pillow as tears flooded his face, staining his pink cheeks. Tiny droplets of semen dribbled from the engorged tip of his cock, now sensitive and swollen red as Yuuri panted heavily, his lungs burning as his heart soared. He let the dildo just fall from his hole. Yuuri could feel his lungs constrict, tightening as he took laboured breaths, forcing out weak, yet heavy sobs. He bit his lip, sniffling as he tried to calm himself down. His abdomen was aching so much, his legs and hips burning with pain that coursed through the muscles in his limbs. Yuuri was so fed up, he’d had enough already, but his body wasn’t quite done yet.

 

Unsatisfactory arousal built up in his cramping abdomen, his ass hot and throbbing as it leaked fluid down the insides of his thighs, pooling on the mattress beneath him. He tried to catch his breath, taking slow, deep gulps of air. He cringed as the air filled his burning lungs, feeling them catch fire with every breath. Yuuri, with shaking hands, managed to reach over to the bedside cabinet to pick up his bottle of water. He carefully brought the bottle to his dry lips, taking a couple of sips. His arms and hands felt weak, unable to hold the bottle for too long after their workout. With a frustrated huff, Yuuri replaced the bottle. 

 

Yuuri’s unsteady hand picked up the toy from beneath his legs. Eager to satisfy his body and just get this over and done with, he pushed the dildo into his hole. It went in with no resistance, his ass wet with slick as it practically sucked in the dildo. When his heat first started, this felt good. But now, two days later, it just felt like a numb, empty void. He just wanted this to be over, but he knew he wasn’t going to be that lucky. Most heats lasted from four to eight days, and Yuuri had never been lucky enough to have a four day heat. Instead, he had always been oh-so-blessed with seven day heats instead. 

 

Heats were useless anyway, Yuuri deemed. Yes, they made him more fertile, but that didn’t change a damn thing when he was able to conceive outside of a heat anyway. To Yuuri, a heat’s only purpose was just to make his life a living misery. 

 

_ “Haa… ahh… ahhhnnnnn…”  _

 

Yuuri’s moans were whiny and drawn out as he sniffled, his breath hitching as the tip of the dildo hit his already abused prostate. There was no pleasure at all anymore, just a dull, aching throb. 

 

“Come on…” Yuuri whimpered as he continued to thrust the dildo between his legs, his ass clenching, massaging the silicon in hopes of actually feeling good. Yuuri whined again as his sensitive cock brushed against the sheets of his bed, the touch almost stinging as his hips jerked back against the toy. “Mmh…” Yuuri huffed, biting his lip as his body jerked, his fingers clenching the benches as he buried his nose in Victor’s tie. 

 

Yuuri came dry, painful, and unfulfilling. He sobbed into the sheets, heaving as he cried into his pillow. “V-Victor…” Yuuri whimpered, pushing his face into his pillow as he desperately clutched at the tie wrapped around his fist. Yuuri’s head was cloudy, the only thing running clearly through his head was Victor. That scent of berries and camomile, the feel of toned muscles under his fingers, the sensation of his thick, heavy length filling him. 

 

Yuuri wanted him so badly. Yuuri wanted Victor’s warm arms wrapped around his body, his chest pressed to Yuuri’s back. He wanted Victor to scent him, to touch him, to press kisses down his neck. Yuuri craved Victor’s company. He needed so badly to bury his nose in Victor’s collarbone and cuddle up to his body. Because damn, Yuuri missed Victor so fucking much it was painful. 

 

Yuuri cried himself to sleep, the first wave of the day (night? Yuuri didn’t even know anymore—) finally over. He was exhausted and numb all over, legs shaky and sore as he shoved the blanket out of the way. 

————————————————————————

Yuuri woke up hours later, dizzy and thirsty. But most prominently, absolutely starving. He grumbled, rolling over to reach for a bottle of water. Fumbling fingers opened it, downing the entire bottle in one go before sliding out of bed. 

 

Yuuri’s trembling legs hauled his body to the window to air out the room before he found his body once again, flopped on the bed and too weak to move. Yuuri was hot and sticky with sweat and semen and slick. With a tired sigh, Yuuri picked up his robe and left his room for a quick shower before the next wave hit. 

 

Yuuri’s head was throbbing as he sat under the shower, trying to relax. He sighed sadly. He’d missed showering with Victor. Victor would massage his scalp and wash his hair and work the knots out of his back while Yuuri relaxed. And then Yuuri just couldn’t help it when he bit his lip and tears just started to stream down his face. His breath hitched as he forced out harsh cries, drowned out by the sound of water pattering down against his skin. 

 

Yuuri cried for what felt like hours. He just couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down his face. When Yuuri finally managed to pick himself back up his skin had pruned and the bathroom had fogged up. With a heavy sigh, he got out. Yuuri didn’t even bother getting changed, just went back to his room and locked himself inside. He could feel the nausea returning and the cramps starting to kick in again. With a groan, he opened a granola bar and scoffed it, just in time before his head started to cloud over and become dizzy once more.

————————————————————————

It had been three days since Victor had last heard from Yuuri. And to be fair, Victor would not have thought much of it normally - he knew that Yuuri wasn’t a huge fan of replying to texts, it was draining and he understood that. But there was just  _ something  _ that made him awfully impatient as of recently. 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

I have some time off in May, if you’re free then? Yurio is off on an ice show 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

Otherwise the only other time I can get off would be Mika’s birthday 😭 looks like my coach life is busier than my skater life was 😔

 

Victor waited for an hour or so before he texted again. 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

Yakov says the RusFed doesn’t pay me to go off on holiday when skaters need to be trained 🙄🙄

 

Victor would not have minded waiting for a text back - he knew that now, especially with a son, Yuuri was anything but glued to his phone. But Yuuri would normally reply in quick time if the text was about Mika. Victor began to wonder if something had happened. He continued to stare at his phone, eagerly waiting for a reply. 

 

Victor did not, under any circumstances, consider himself an impatient man, especially when it came to Yuuri. But it seemed like today, and yesterday, and in fact… the day before, something was just really agitating Victor. He found himself restless with concern as he waited for a reply from Yuuri. Had Yuuri had a change of heart about wanting to let Victor back in? Victor bit his lip. The very thought was soul destroying. He clenched his fist, keeping his emotions of worry, concern, and irritation at bay. 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

Are you okay? I know you’re probably busy, sorry for bothering you so much 

 

“Victor!” Yakov’s voice boomed across the ice. Victor rolled his eyes - still getting scolded even when he wasn’t even a competitive skater in training anymore. With a heavy sigh, he put his phone away and looked up at Yakov. 

 

“What?” He mumbled. 

 

“You don’t get paid to just stand there, do I have to coach your student too?!” Victor clicked his tongue in frustration, turning his attention to Yurio, who was jumping quads.  

 

“Your free leg is sloppy!” 

 

“I told you, back outside edge!” 

 

“You aren’t streamlined enough!” 

 

“Your tano arm is a mess!” And finally, Yurio had had enough. 

 

“What is wrong with you?! You’re picking at every little thing! First my leg and then my body and then my arms? Jesus Christ.” Yurio snapped. “Are you going to coach me or just criticise me?” 

 

“Maybe if you listened I wouldn’t have to criticise you!” Victor snapped back, his voice sharp and piercing across the ice. 

 

“If you spent less time moping and more time coaching I’d have something to listen to!” Yurio growled back. Frustrated and angry, Yurio got off the ice, clipping the guards to his blades and leaving the rink. 

 

Victor clicked his tongue, almost storming through the other set of doors on the other side of the rink. 

————————————————————————

Yuuri found himself crying into his pillow for the third night in a row as his hand worked tirelessly to satisfy his craving to be filled. Filled by  _ Victor _ . Yuuri had the tie clutched in his fingers, practically wrapped around his hand as he tried to desperately cling on to as much of Victor’s scent as he possibly could. 

 

Yuuri whimpered, the top of the dildo grazing his throbbing prostate. The sensation made his insides pulse, his hips jerking, forcing the toy deeper. 

 

“Ahh!” Yuuri’s breath hitched, his legs clenching up as he held the dildo in its position, willing his body to relax a little. Yuuri hated this. Nothing about his heat was pleasurable at all. 

 

Victor used to make sure he got fed, he had water, he felt safe. He’d make Yuuri feel good, satisfying his cravings for sex. Heats with Victor were almost… magical. Yuuri felt cared for and loved and secure but now he didn’t have Victor and any heat without him was just frustrating. Subpar, dissatisfying, not even remotely enjoyable. Yuuri craved Victor’s touch so much.

 

He so badly missed the feeling of large hands on his hips, squeezing gently to comfort him. Lips that brushed against their bond mark sent sparks flying through Yuuri’s body, sending his senses wild. Victor would whisper sweet nothings in his ear, reassuring him that he’d be okay, that he’d be safe. Victor would take his time to please Yuuri, his thick girth filling Yuuri to the brim and satisfying every sweet spot inside of him. 

 

But now all Yuuri had was himself. He had no one to keep him safe, no one to take care of him, no one to sweet talk him. Yuuri had experienced loneliness. He’d been mentally alone, physically alone, both at the same time. But nothing made him feel more loneliness than spending a heat alone, especially when he had once shared it with the person he loves the most. 

 

“Alpha…” Yuuri whimpered as more tears flowed down his face, his body jerking its way through another dry, unsatisfying orgasm.

————————————————————————

Another day passed. Victor was irritable, snappy, and very very tired. 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

Did something happen? Please text back asap? 😔

 

“Right. Spill it. What’s wrong?” Lilia asked when Victor turned up to the rink the next morning. “You’ve been nothing but moody since the team got home - honestly it’s like you’re going through puberty again.” She clicked her tongue as Victor let out a heavy sigh. 

 

“I haven’t heard back from Yuuri.” He mumbled, gazing on to the ice. “I texted him three times and it’s been almost five days and I’ve heard nothing. He hasn’t even read them. And now I’m scared that he thinks he made a mistake by letting me back in. Or scared that something has happened and I can’t do anything about it.” He muttered, resting his cheek on the palm of his hand as his elbow dig into the barriers. 

 

“We were finally getting along well and getting to know each other again. I still love him and I don’t think I could handle losing him another time.” Victor’s heart clenched at the very thought of Yuuri and Mika slipping through his grasp again. He had lost them once before and it was the most painful thing he had ever experienced. 

 

“Maybe he’s busy or he’s too exhausted to text and I understand that, but it’s just that there’s this nagging feeling that he doesn’t want to talk to me or he regrets trying to let me be a part of his life again. I know I’ve hurt him before and I know it’s difficult to earn back his trust but… I’m just scared.” Victor swallowed a swelling lump in his throat as he bit his lip, fists clenched as he tried to fight back welling tears. Lilia sighed. Of course. Only Yuuri could get Victor so worried and worked up. 

 

“If it helps ease your mind, I’ll find out how he is.” Victor nodded softly, giving her a tiny smile, apparently the only smile he’s had on his face all week.

 

“Yes, please. I’d appreciate that.” Victor smiled hopefully as his sour mood began to lighten ever so slightly. Lilia sighed heavily. 

 

“Get your job done. I’ll let you know.” She left the rink and the atmosphere around Victor felt softer - the tight tension he had been bringing for the last week was beginning to dissolve. 

————————————————————————

Hopefully this would be the last day. Yuuri’s heat pains were finally beginning to fade, his head was less foggy, and waves were shorter. Yuuri hopes this would be over soon - he was missing Victor, and especially missing little Mika. 

 

Yuuri was laid on his back, legs spread as he turned his face into the pillow, muffling desperate cries for his alpha. His hand worked a large dildo in and out of his wet hole, slick dribbling down onto the sheets. The dildo slipped out with a loud, wet pop, pulling a shudder from his hips and a scream from his throat. This was so unfulfilling. Normally during a heat Victor made Yuuri feel whole, complete. But this time, Yuuri just felt weak and tired and incomplete. 

 

His hand worked tirelessly over his cock, red and throbbing as one last orgasm tore through his body, ripping through his nerves like electricity in water. He was exhausted, scared, lonely… 

 

Tears flooded Yuuri’s face as his hips collapsed on the bed. He buried his face in the pillow, Victor’s tie now barely clinging to Victor’s scent as Yuuri held it to his nose. His chest heaved as he cried, sobbing loudly a litany of  _ “alpha… alpha… Victor…”  _ and  _ “I’m sorry… I miss you so much… I need you…”.  _ And it was true. Yuuri needed Victor so badly. He needed Victor’s warmth, Victor’s comfort. He needed Victor’s hands running up and down his back, Victor carrying him to the bath. He needed Victor to whisper sweet nothings in his ear as he calmed himself down, needed Victor’s scent to fill his nose. 

 

Yuuri had never needed anyone more than he needed Victor. His heart felt crushed— his heat hazy mind brought him back to the day they separated, the day Yuuri walked out and never looked back. His chest felt heavy with sadness. Victor didn’t want him anymore. Victor didn’t want him anymore. Victor didn’t want him anymore. Victor never wanted him to begin with. Yuuri understood. He was unloved. No one was waiting for him, no one cared about him. Yuuri was just a joke to Victor that went too far, used goods that no one would ever want. 

 

Yuuri was well and truly alone.

————————————————————————

Victor anxiously waited to hear something, anything from Lilia. It had only been a day since he confided in her but it felt like months. Months with no word from Yuuri and wow, that felt painfully familiar. He stared into the ice, biting the inside of his lip as sour pheromones from his equally sour mood permeated the air around him. His gaze was stern, his brows creased in the middle as a dimple formed above his right brow. Victor hoped Yuuri would at least respond to Lilia’s calls or texts. Victor just wanted to know he was safe. 

 

Realistically he knew Yuuri was probably just busy or tired but… that feeling of being pushed away, of not being wanted was gnawing at him again. It filled him with anxious nausea, a sickening feeling building up in his stomach at the very thought of losing Yuuri. Victor had never been one to be scared, but Victor could now safely say he was well and truly terrified. 

 

He’d finally built up a fragile…  _ something _ with Yuuri after ruining their marriage and he couldn’t let that happen again. Victor would grasp onto every last straw of what he had at the moment with Yuuri and protect it with his life before letting anything break them apart again. They had been separated before and it was the most heart wrenching, damaging thing Victor had ever experienced. Victor prided himself in being a strong man, but god, even the strongest people had their limits. 

 

Victor looked back at the few pictures he had of their son. Their beautiful, gorgeous son. He was tiny, definitely small for nineteen months. Yuuri had stated he couldn’t walk yet, but Victor knew that soon. With time, Mika would be on his feet. He was oh so precious and adorable. He fit perfectly in Victor’s arms, his head tucked perfectly under Victor’s chin. Mika truly was the fruit of the love they once shared, and to some extent, that love was still there. Maybe it’s rocky, maybe it’s fragile, but Victor’s love for Yuuri goes beyond those limits. And Victor selfishly hopes that Yuuri’s love for him does too. 

 

“I haven’t heard back from him.” Lilia came up behind him. “He hasn’t responded to my calls.” Victor instantly filled with worry. Was Yuuri okay? What about Mika?  

 

To: Yuuri 💕

Let me know you’re okay, even if you don’t want to talk to me 

————————————————————————

It was finally over. Six excruciatingly painful and lonely days of his body wanting to be bred was finally over. Yuuri stood in the shower, scrubbing his skin like no tomorrow. He felt filthy, and not in a good way either. God, it had only just dawned on him that the only things that spilled from his lips other than moans were  _ “Victor…”  _ and  _ “alpha…” _ . But… Victor wasn’t his. He didn’t get to hold onto and cry for Victor like that anymore. He had no right to. Yuuri found himself scrubbing layers of selfishness and guilt off his skin. 

 

Yuuri had missed holding their son in his arms, missed feeling the weight of their little one against his chest. He’d barely spent any time with Mika - he had only had time to feed him breakfast and dinner, and Yuuri was looking forward to finally spending some quality time with him. Yuuri couldn't help but feel bad that he hadn’t spent any time with Mika this week, Mika needed him but Yuuri couldn’t be there. He let out a heavy sigh, promising to make it up to him. 

 

Yuuri hadn’t even checked his phone either. Part of him hoped Victor had left him a string of texts to reply to - after such a depressing heat Yuuri really could do with something to lift his mood. 

 

Yuuri let the hot water scald his skin a bit longer before turning the taps off. With a fluffy towel, he dried his body, feeling refreshed as he changed into a fresh silk kimono. He returned to his room, opening all of the windows to air the room as he stripped the sheets. Yuuri sighed, somewhat nostalgically. Normally Victor would have carried him into the bathtub. He would have prepared a bath full of bubbles and a bath bomb, and a few drops of essential oils. Then, Victor would leave the bathroom. He’d air out the room, strip the bed, change the sheets, and prepare Yuuri something comfortable to change into. But without Victor, all that was up to Yuuri, and it was devastatingly lonely. 

 

When he was finally finished up, Yuuri went down the stairs to see Mika. And there was his son, sat on the floor entertaining himself with a toy train track set. Yuuri smiled as he stood by the doorway of the front room, admiring his little boy. He came in and sat down on a cushion next to Mika, who turned his head. 

 

“Amma!” Mika cried out, reaching for Yuuri as he desperately tried to grasp for Yuuri. 

 

“Did you miss me, baby boy?” Yuuri cooed, scooping him into his arms and settling him in his lap. “I missed you.” He sighed contently. 

 

“Oh, Yuuri.” Hiroko gave him a relieved smile. “Are you feeling hungry?” Yuuri thought. When he first came downstairs he was. But upon seeing Mika, his hunger was quickly forgotten, in favour of cuddling his son. Yuuri shook his head. 

 

“No, I’m okay.” He smiled contently. “Thank you for looking after him.” 

 

Mika’s train set was long forgotten about as he gripped his tiny fingers into Yuuri’s silk kimono collar, tucking his face into the flesh of Yuuri’s breast. He’d missed his mother dearly, and Yuuri could tell. Yuuri smiled adoringly at Mika, who closed his eyes against Yuuri. 

 

“Come on, baby.” Yuuri cooed, standing up as he held tightly onto Mika, one arm supporting Mika’s body and the other picking up the handkerchief, dropped on the floor. “Let me know if you need a hand.” Yuuri smiled to Hiroko, who nodded. 

 

“Don’t worry about us down here. Go and spend some time with Mika.” Yuuri gave her a grateful thanks, and left back up the stairs to his room. By now, the room has mostly aired out, the air now clean and fresh. He sat Mika down on the bed. 

 

“Wait here, baby. I’ll be back in a moment with your stuff.” Yuuri kissed the top of his head and moved away from the bed. He looked back at Mika, who was already whimpering and ready to cry, arms reached out for Yuuri. “Don’t make me feel guilty, darling.” Yuuri chuckled sadly as he gave Mika another kiss to the palms of his hands. “I’ll be back in just a second.” Kissing Mika’s forehead, Yuuri left the room in haste to pick up the rest of Mika’s things from downstairs. 

 

Yuuri’s heart broke a little when he arrived downstairs, only to hear Mika shrieking at the top of his lungs. Quickly, he scooped up Mika’s toys from the floor and picked up a yoghurt and a banana too. Items in hand, he sped back to his room to tend to a very upset Mika. Yuuri put the toys down on the bed, setting the banana and the yoghurt on the bedside table. 

 

“See, I’m back already.” Yuuri crooned as he picked up the crying toddler who instantly quieted. Yuuri sighed contently, sitting down on the bed. He laid back, Mika instantly turning over to make himself comfortable on Yuuri’s chest before closing his eyes. Yuuri laughed fondly. “Have you not managed to get a good nap recently? Sorry about that.” He crooned, running his fingers up and down Mika’s back. “I promise, we’ll catch up on missed time together this week.” Yuuri sighed contently as he watched Mika’s chest rise and fall with each breath. 

 

Yuuri then realised he hadn’t checked his phone all week - maybe Victor had messaged him. From the drawer of the bedside table, he reached in and picked up his phone. “Let’s see if daddy has texted.” He switched on his phone, gasping at the plethora of texts Victor had sent. 

 

From: Victor 🥰

I have some time off in May, if you’re free then? Yurio is off on an ice show 

 

From: Victor 🥰

Otherwise the only other time I can get off would be Mika’s birthday 😭 looks like my coach life is busier than my skater life was 😔

 

From: Victor 🥰

Yakov says the RusFed doesn’t pay me to go off on holiday when skaters need to be trained 🙄🙄

 

From: Victor 🥰

Are you okay?  I know you’re probably busy, sorry for bothering you so much 

 

From: Victor 🥰

Did something happen? Please text back asap? 😔

 

From: Victor 🥰

Let me know you’re okay, even if you don’t want to talk to me 

 

Yuuri, still quite hormonal and emotional, almost cried at the last text. Yuuri realised that he had ignored Victor for a whole week without telling him why. His heart raced, fingers shaking with panic as he rushed to pull up Victor’s contact. Hesitant, yet quick fingers hit ‘dial’ and he held the phone to his ear, breath held deeply as he prayed for Victor to pick up. The phone rang for just a few seconds before Victor picked up. 

 

“Victor!”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:  
> Victor and Yuuri talk on the phone.  
> Victor finally realises why his mood is still haywire.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri talks to Victor about his concerns for Mika

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Please pay attention to these notes - there’s a little bit about Mika’s growth and mobility here.  
> So a lot of you have recently commented about Mika’s growth and mobility development and while Yuuri talks about it in this chapter, I’ll expand on it here. 
> 
> Mika is one and a half years old. He was born dangerously underweight (as previously stated), he had multiple visits to the doctor to monitor his growth, and even fora new born, he was pretty slow.  
> Now, Mika has gotten heavier - about 10kg. Still really light for a toddler his age, but he’s definitely grown. He’s also not as tall (long?) as a toddler his age should be. He’s just a really tiny toddler, that’s literally it. Nothing wrong with him, he’s just really small. 
> 
> As for his mobility skills, he does crawl. He stands with aid, he can do things with his hands, he’s actually really mobile with his hands. He has good hand eye co-ordination, he can fit shapes into a sorter etc etc, he just hasn’t mastered the art of walking quite yet. The reason for that is because we’re saving Mika’s first steps for something really cute and special! 
> 
> As for his speech, he doesn’t talk much. HIs speech is based a lot around my younger brother, who literally didn’t speak at all until he was just older than Mika is now. Yuuri talks about that in the chapter so I’ll just leave that there. 
> 
> There was also a comment about Mika on baby food - you’re totally right! He normally eats solids as an evening meal and formula milk for breakfast, it’s normally lunch where he has a jar of baby food. That will be changing! 
> 
> I think I covered everything that was mentioned in the comments about Mika’s growth and development. Thank you for your criticisms! If you have any other comments or criticisms about his development, please let us know! Neither me nor Psi have kids, so we literally know nothing LOL
> 
> IN SHORT IM ONE DUMB FUCK WITH NO KNOWLEDGE OF KIDS HAHAHA

Victor was tense. He was unreasonably agitated, snapping at everyone around him. He even snapped at Makkachin when he got home that day, for sitting down right in front of the kitchen door. Makkachin, reluctant to be a victim of Victor’s irrational attitude , moved to her bed and stayed there, refusing to even acknowledge Victor when a bowl of food was put in front of her. 

 

Victor threw himself onto the bed, frustrated and concerned for Yuuri when— 

 

_ Incoming Call  _

Yuuri 💕

 

Victor was ecstatic, his foul mood suddenly lifted. 

 

“Victor!” Yuuri exhaled, his voice relaxing as he let out a heavy breath, almost in relief, and Victor could hear the elation in his voice. “God I’m so sorry I missed all of your texts it was…” Yuuri paused. He couldn’t really tell Victor it was his heat… even though they had shared many it just didn’t feel right. “It was  _ that  _ time of the year again and I didn’t have a chance to check my phone and—“ Yuuri took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you think I was ignoring you.” Victor let out a bit of a chuckle. 

 

“It’s okay, Yuuri.” He smiled softly. “I understand. I’m just glad you’re okay. How are you both?” Victor asked fondly. 

 

“We’re well. Mika had missed me all week.” Yuuri chuckled softly. “I put him down on the bed so I could go down and pick up his toys and he started crying as soon as I left the room. But he’s okay now, he’s napping on my chest at the moment.” Victor’s heart swelled - what an adorable sight that would be to see. “How are you?” 

 

“Missing Mika.” Victor said. The  _ “and you, _ ” went unsaid, but Yuuri knew. “My mood has been off the rails lately, but hearing your voice is nice.” Victor admitted, implying the calm feeling that Yuuri makes him feel. Yuuri blushed. 

 

“O-oh…” A ridiculous, yet soft smile split across Yuuri’s face. “I’m glad.” He chuckled softly. “It’s nice hearing your voice too.” 

 

“I have some free time in May while Yurio is at an ice show.” Victor said. “So if you’re free too maybe we can arrange something?” Victor asked, and Yuuri hummed in thought. “Otherwise the only free time I have after that will be Mika’s birthday. Technically, I don’t even have that weekend free but no way I’m going to miss it.” He chuckled softly. 

 

“I’ll be back in Switzerland in May. I’m pretty certain I’m free. We’d be delighted to see you.” Victor’s heart jumped as a giddy smile crossed his face. “Sometimes we get a little bit lonely.” Yuuri admitted. 

 

“Then I’ll be sure to visit and make sure you’re not lonely.” Victor promised with a soft laugh. “Do you reckon we could get Mika on the ice?” Victor joked, pulling something of a snort from Yuuri. 

 

“He’s not managed to walk yet, Victor.” Yuuri laughed. “One thing at a time.” 

 

“I know, I know.” Victor chuckled. “You'll film it won’t you? When he starts walking.” Victor asked, almost pleading. Yuuri gave him a fond laugh. 

 

“Of course.” He reassured. “I wouldn’t let you miss something so important.” Yuuri cooed as he glanced over at Mika, whose eyes closed against his chest. “I am a little worried, though.” Yuuri sighed softly. 

 

“Why?”

 

“He’s almost nineteen months.” Yuuri said. “He hasn’t started walking yet, his speech is limited, and he’s smaller than an average toddler his age.” Yuuri expressed, his fingers running through Mika’s hair. “I’m just worried there’s something more serious than simply being a slow developer.” 

 

“But he’s always been quite small, you said he was tiny when he was born.” Yuuri gave some sort of hum in agreeance. 

 

“Yeah… I just thought he’d grow quite quickly because he was so tiny.” Yuuri sighed again, concern lacing his words. “He grew a lot that’s for sure but… he’s still smaller than average.” 

 

“Well for there to be an average, some kids have to be smaller and some larger than average, right?” Yuuri supposed Victor was right. “Mika just happens to be smaller. As for not walking yet… give it some more time. Maybe try and encourage him to walk by standing him up or guiding him.” Yuuri had never thought of that - he always just thought he’d let Mika do things at his own pace but perhaps it would be best for him to help Mika along. 

 

Yuuri swallowed as he looked down at his sleeping toddler, rested on his shoulder. “Should I have been concerned earlier? I should have worried about him when I realised he was not as big as he should be.” Yuuri bit his lip, tears almost wet with tears. “I’ve never been a parent before and I don’t know what I’m doing and I think I should have realised how concerning Mika's size is earlier.” Victor could hear the way Yuuri’s voice trembles over the phone. 

 

“I think you should take him to see a doctor.” Victor suggested. “If you can get an appointment for May I’ll be able to come with you.” Victor smiled fondly, and Yuuri let out a breath of relief. 

 

“I’d really appreciate that.” Yuuri mumbled. “I don’t like being alone and not knowing what to do.” He whispered, and Victor smiled pitifully, not that Yuuri could see. “Especially when it concerns Mika. A-and his speech, too, should I try and encourage him to talk more? What should I do?” Yuuri asked, biting his lip. 

 

“It doesn’t hurt to see a speech therapist too. Maybe they can give you some advice? Mika is like his parents - sometimes they take a while to pick something up, but once they’ve got it, they learn really fast.” Victor reassured, and Yuuri let out a sigh of relief. “I’m sure he’s well, Yuuri.” Yuuri let out a relieved breath. He always knew Victor would be the best parent, even now from the other side of the world Victor was able to soothe Yuuri’s worries and give him good advice. They were truly blessed to have him. 

 

“I’ll have to search around for a speech therapist in Champery - I might have to look around and out of Champery too. But I think it’s a good idea.” 

 

“I know you’re a worry wart, but don’t stress yourself out. Take it easy, and help him along.” Yuuri chuckled a little. “Don’t forget to take some time to yourself too. You need it. Do you need me to come over sooner?” Victor offered. “We’ll do this together.” 

 

“I think… I’d like that.” Yuuri sighed in relief. “Thank you, Victor.” 

 

“For what, darling?” Victor asked, confused. 

 

“For just… being here.” Yuuri said, though, that didn’t really make much sense. “For being understanding and reassuring. For just being… you.” Yuuri smiled, and while Victor couldn’t see his smile, he could certainly hear it. 

 

“I’m always going to be here for you both, darling.” Victor said reassuringly. “I should be the one thanking you.” 

 

“For what?” Yuuri echoed. 

 

“For giving me a chance at being a father.” Victor sighed contently. “Even though I can’t physically be there, you let me in and gave me a chance with Mika, with our son. You gave me a chance at a family.” Yuuri felt his heart swell. Victor truly was the most sincere person Yuuri had ever met - he still couldn’t believe how much he had missed Victor. 

 

“Everyone deserves a chance at being a parent to their child, Victor. That includes you.” Yuuri said encouragingly. “And besides, I know you’d be the most amazing parent to Mika.” Yuuri’s voice, genuine as usual, pulled a blush to Victor’s cheeks. “As for us, that’s still… something we have to talk about.” Yuuri frowned softly. “But I do know that… you still make me happy.” It was Yuuri’s turn to blush as he almost whispered, hearing Victor’s breath hitch on the other end of the line. 

 

“You make me happy too, Yuuri.” Victor replied after a few quiet seconds. “I know we still have things to work out, things we don’t really want to talk about, but we’ll get there.” 

 

“I know.” 

 

“And Yuuri?” 

 

“Hmm?” 

 

“If—“ Victor hesitated. Saying this now might push Yuuri further away. “Never mind.” 

 

“Are you sure?” Yuuri asked. “You know you can tell me anything?” Victor opened his lips to say something.  _ Anything might not include this. _ Victor swallowed. 

 

“If in the future you’d let me… I’d like to try again.” Victor swallowed. “With you.” Yuuri blushed, his cheeks pinking as his heart raced up his throat. The thought of getting another chance to be with Victor again… the prospect of living with Victor and loving Victor again was something he’d dreamed of for so long. But Yuuri was scared. He didn’t know if he was ready for that or if he’d ever be ready to try again. 

 

“I—“ Yuuri took a deep breath. “I’m not sure if I’d be ready for that.” Yuuri admitted quietly. “I want to try again with you too but I’m still hurt and grieving and… I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to try again.” Victor released a deflated sigh, but he understood. 

 

“I know.” Victor said. “I’ve accepted that you might not want to try again or might never be ready to try again with me. But I just want you to know that if you ever do want to give us a second chance, I want to try too.” Yuuri let out a relieved sigh. Even after everything they had been through Victor always thought of Yuuri first. 

 

“Then please wait for me?” Yuuri pleaded, biting the inside of his cheek. 

 

“I’ll wait until the end of time for you.” Victor said fondly and god, Yuuri was so in love with him. Victor was so patient and considerate with him, Yuuri felt his heart swell over with a warmth he hadn’t felt in years. Yuuri gave a shy “ _ thank you,” _ which just squeezed at Victor’s heart, making it swell over in adoration. 

 

They were quiet on the line for a few seconds, listening to each breath the other took and honestly, it was the most relaxing few seconds Yuuri had had in such a long time. 

 

“Shall I let you go then?” Yuuri asked quietly. 

 

“Yeah. Give Mika a kiss for me? Tell him daddy loves him.” Victor chuckled. 

 

“Of course.” Yuuri promised. “Bye, Victor.” 

 

“Bye, my Yuuri.” Yuuri smiled fondly at the possessive pronoun before cutting the call.  _ His Yuuri. Victor’s Yuuri.  _ That was a nice feeling. Yuuri put the phone down and released a relaxed sigh. 

 

“He’s ever so sweet, isn’t he, darling?” Yuuri cooed quietly, his fingertips drawing soft circles on Mika’s temple. “He loves you so much.” Yuuri whispered. “He can’t wait to see you soon, you know.” Yuuri smiled fondly. “Daddy can’t be here all the time, but never forget how much he loves you.” Mika grumbled, as if taking notice of Yuuri’s words, and he buried his face further into Yuuri’s breast. 

————————————————————————

Victor felt so much more relieved after speaking to Yuuri. In hindsight, he probably should have guessed it was  _ that _ time of the year, but his worried, irrational mind just jumped straight to the conclusion that Yuuri wanted nothing to do with him. Victor almost scolded himself for being so irrational and distrusting of Yuuri. He knew that Yuuri was considerate and sensitive of other people’s feelings, and he’d never deliberately ghost anyone without a reasonable explanation. 

 

Yuuri sounded content on the phone, like he was growing more comfortable with Victor. Victor wondered whether Yuuri had told his family they were speaking again - Mari would certainly  _ certainly  _ kill him with her bare hands. Victor sort of hoped he hadn’t told them - it was something they’d have to discuss together. Victor thought about what it would be like seeing Yuuri’s parents again. Especially Hiroko. She had always been so fond of him, even just thinking about showing his face in front of her brought him shame. She treated Victor as her own, he even called her “mom”. But he’d betrayed her son and hurt him so much, there was no way she could forgive him. Even the kindest people have their limits. 

 

Victor tried hard not to think about it. Instead, he thought about his gorgeous son, cheeks chubby and face pink. Beautiful jet black hair and cyan eyes, a button nose and big forehead that was a perfect blend of his parents. Mika was so ridiculously cute and Victor missed him ever so dearly it hurt.

 

Yuuri had mentioned his concerns about Mika to Victor, and now Victor couldn’t stop this feeling of worry overcome him. Yuuri was right - Mika’s mobile skills were limited, Mika spoke very few words, his size was not as it should be. Victor sighed heavily. They were all things that could be fixed, right? He hoped so. Victor made a mental note to remind Yuuri to find him a speech therapist and encourage his development. Victor would help too when he went to visit - help Mika to walk, encourage him to speak. Victor hoped that Mika would be able to pick up more speech before he started school - he knew first hand what it was like to be teased for inconsistent or minimal speech. 

 

But worries for Mika now filed away, Victor decided to focus on planning a trip to see his family - he finally had something to look forward to. Victor opened his iPad to look for flights to Switzerland. 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

I can make it to Switzerland when you get back, so at the end of next 2 weeks. Lmk if that suits you? 😘😘

 

Victor didn’t have to wait long for a reply. 

 

From: Yuuri 💕

Sounds perfect 😁 how long for? 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

How does two weeks sound? Yurio will just have to miss some training. 

 

From: Yuuri 💕

Then… See you soon ☺️

 

Victor smiled warmly before putting his phone away. iPad open and credit card in hand, he booked a return flight to Switzerland. To get to Champery, however, required a two hour long trip by car from Geneva. Victor wondered how on Earth Yuuri and Stephane made that trip so frequently, especially with Mika, without tiring. But Victor didn’t care if it brought him to his son and the love of his life. 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

20th April - 5th May I’m in your care 😘

 

From: Yuuri 💕

Noted. I’ll let Mika know when he wakes up ☺️

 

Victor smiled giddily, finally having something to look forward to, and put his phone away. Now, it was time to compile some gifts for mother and son. Let’s see… clothes and toys for Mika, things to help him learn. Victor knew Yuuri didn’t want him to spoil Mika, but Victor was just…  _ that  _ kind of person. However, Victor respected Yuuri’s wishes. Besides, he agreed - it wouldn’t be good to spoil Mika. So educational toys and clothes it was. Plus, a blanket scented by his daddy to replace the one Victor stole off Mika. 

 

Now what about Yuuri…? Victor thought long and hard - what did Yuuri like? And then it occurred to him. Victor always bought Yuuri a fruity fragrance to wear, one that Yuuri loved. But he realised that at Worlds, he never noticed such scent of berries and honey. Victor frowned. Maybe Yuuri stopped liking the fragrance because he associated it with Victor. 

 

Victor found himself a little conflicted - maybe now that they’d found each other again Yuuri would be able to appreciate it again. Perhaps Yuuri still liked the scent. Victor swallowed. It was worth a try. He’d seek that fragrance for Yuuri again. But what if he truly just didn’t enjoy the scent anymore? It would seem as though Victor was so out of loop with Yuuri. No matter, though. Victor was going to take a chance and hope Yuuri still loved the scent of the same fragrance he did two years ago. Maybe a scarf and coat, too. Victor knew Yuuri probably needed them in Switzerland. Perhaps a Burberry coat. 

 

Victor knew Yuuri didn’t find materialistic things or monetary value important. In fact, that had been made extra clear when Yuuri declined any financial support from him. Regardless, Victor still wanted to be able to treat him to nice things, luxury things that Yuuri would otherwise be unwilling to buy for himself. Especially now that they had Mika. He’d been putting away seven thousand rubles a week into a savings fund for Mika - maybe he’d use it to travel and explore and volunteer in the world, maybe he’d use it to study, or put it towards a property when he was older. Victor couldn’t wait to find out what the future held for his dear son. 

———————————————————————— 

As soon as he got off the phone with Victor, Yuuri instantly began a scrambled search for a speech therapist for Mika near where they lived. There were a few, but they were all located in Geneva, about two hours away by train. But it didn’t matter. Yuuri would go halfway across the country to find a speech therapist if he had to. 

 

_ Geneva Central Children’s Speech and Language Therapy  _

 

_ Geneva City Children’s Therapy Centre _

 

_ Geneva Speech and Language Centre for Children  _

 

_ Children’s General Speech and Language Development Community  _

 

Yuuri surfed through them all, sifting through each establishment, right down to the names and qualifications of their best therapists. Only the best for their little boy, after all. There were so many choices, all relatively highly rated, ranging from four stars to five stars. But just four stars wasn’t good enough for Mika, and Yuuri settled on the establishment with the most five star reviews -  _ Geneva Speech and Language Centre for Children.  _

 

He checked the time in Switzerland - it had just gone nine a.m, they should be open. Phone in his hand, he phoned them. 

 

_ “Geneva Speech and Language Centre for Children, how can we help you?”  _

 

“Hi, I’d like to book my son in for speech therapy sessions? His speech is developing very slowly and I’m looking to get him the help he needs.” Yuuri explained. 

 

_ “Okay, so we have a free opening every Thursday at noon starting in two weeks time.”  _

 

“That’s perfect, I’d like to take it, please.” 

 

_ “Of course. I’ll just need the child’s full name, date of birth, and your contact number.”  _

 

Yuuri spelt out Mika’s very long name, gave her his date of birth, and his phone number, and soon enough, he had his son put up for speech therapy. Just as he finished up, Mika stirred, eyes sticky with sleep prying open as tiny hands came to rub at his eye. Yuuri smiled. 

 

“How was your nap, baby?” Yuuri cooed. 

 

“Amma…” Mika tiredly grumbled. “Sleepy…” He huffed, pulling a laugh from Yuuri. 

 

“Well you won’t be sleepy once I tell you that Daddy is coming to visit next month.” And Mika’s face lit up. He didn’t understand that Victor was coming over, but any mention of his daddy always bought the biggest smile to his face. 

 

“Adda…!” Mika crooned. 

 

“Yes, Daddy.” Yuuri chuckled fondly. “He loves you so much. Do you miss him?” Mika groaned again. 

 

“Miss adda…” Yuuri’s heart swelled and his brows creased in the middle. 

 

“I know you do. I’m sorry you can’t see each other more.” Yuuri sighed, his fingers gently caressing Mika’s head. “Thank you for being patient with us, baby.” Yuuri kissed his head before tugging him fully onto his chest. “You really make us happy.” 

 

Yuuri watched as Mika pouted against his chest, almost looking sad as his fists gripped at Yuuri’s t-shirt. He looked at how small Mika truly was, and that same guilty feeling he had when Mika was first born returned. It was the same feeling that told him  _ “Mika wouldn’t be in ICU if you ate more,”  _ or  _ “Mika would be a normal size if you didn’t starve for half of your pregnancy,” _ or  _ “Look at how your depression affected Mika. Look how small he is.”  _ And Yuuri felt like crying again. 

 

It really was his fault. Maybe Mika would be growing to a normal size, or growing at a faster rate if Yuuri had taken better care of his health. If Yuuri had eaten more, eaten healthily, made better choices for the little boy who two years ago, rested in his belly, tiny and waiting to be fed. 

 

“I’m so sorry, baby.” He said quietly, his voice strained as he bit his lip. “I’m trying my best.” He promised, sighing heavily as his arms held on tight to the toddler against his chest. “Me and Daddy are both trying our best.” Yuuri reassured. “It’ll take us a lot of time, but we’ll make it, we promise.” He sat up, sitting Mika in his lap. 

 

“Let’s book you a doctor’s appointment, then.” Yuuri’s shaking hands picked up his phone and phoned the children’s medical centre. 

 

_ “Geneva Children’s Medical Centre, how can we help?”  _

 

“Hi, I’d like to book my son in to see a doctor regarding his growth rate?” Yuuri said. 

 

_ “We don’t have any openings until late May…”  _ Oh. Victor wouldn’t be able to come.  _ “Apart from the morning of the sixth May, at 9am?”  _ Victor still couldn’t make it, but Yuuri needed that slot. 

 

“Can I book that slot, please?” 

 

_ “Of course. We do have a few questions you’ll need to answer beforehand.”  _

 

“Okay.” 

 

_ “Are you in Switzerland as a permanent resident, citizen, or on a visa?”  _

 

“I’m being sponsored by Stephane Lambiel.” 

 

_ “And how long are you sponsored for?”  _

 

“Until April twenty-twenty one.” 

 

_ “Perfect, that’s all. Now I’ll need the child’s full name, date of birth, and any medical conditions?”  _

 

“Mikaela Victorovich Katsuki-Nikiforov,” —Yuuri had to spell that out for her— “born second of September, two thousand and eighteen. He has no medical conditions.” After a few seconds, he heard her stop tapping away at the keyboard. 

 

_ “Perfect. If we could just get your contact number and email, you’ll be all set.”  _

 

Soon enough, Mika had a doctor’s appointment, and he was more nervous than ever. 

 

He remembered how Mika already made frequent trips to the doctor right after he was born to record how quickly he had been growing. As Yuuri had thought, Mika wasn’t growing as fast as babies his age should have been. But he was assured that Mika was still going to be healthy. He swallowed at the thought of Mika having any kind of medical problem. 

 

To: Victor 🥰

I got him in to see a speech therapist every Thursday. I also managed to get a doctor’s appointment, but the earliest they had was the 6th at 8am 

————————————————————————

Just as Victor was finishing up a list of things to bring for Mika and Yuuri, his phone chimed. 

 

From: Yuuri 💕

I got him in to see a speech therapist every Thursday. I also managed to get a doctor’s appointment, but the earliest they had was the 6th at 8am 

 

There was no question that Victor was going to change his flight. 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

I’m changing my flight. 

 

Victor was so proud of Yuuri. He knew how much Yuuri hated booking doctor’s appointments, therapy sessions, physiotherapy sessions, but he’d pushed past all the telephone anxiety for Mika and Victor couldn’t be more proud. If only Yuuri could see himself through Victor’s eyes - he’d know just what a phenomenal job he’s doing. 

 

Yuuri truly was one to be admired. 

 

Even through a horrible, heart wrenching breakup he still found the courage to let Victor back in for Mika’s sake, he still found the strength to try and bring them closer for the sake of their son. And now they were both happy. They were both talking to each other, smiling at each other through the cameras of their phones, they were both texting each other. It may have taken them two years, and it will still take them many more years. But the important thing is that they’re trying. 

 

However, the next morning when Victor returned to the rink, he was still snappy. He was still annoyed and irritated at everyone. He was still unreasonably bitchy. 

 

“I take it you didn’t manage to get a hold of Yuuri.” Mila sighed sadly. 

 

“I did.” 

 

“So why are you still acting like a bitchy teen?” She queried, and honestly, Victor didn’t know. But he had this look in his eyes, one that wasn’t irritation or sadness or anger, it was more like something was brewing. Testing the boundaries, she jabbed her fingers right into the bite mark in Victor’s neck. 

 

Victor  _ growled.  _

 

“You bitch! What was that for!” Victor said angrily, but Mila just smiled. 

 

“I hope you don’t speak like that in front of your son.” She chided. “You should probably take the next week off. You reek, by the way.” She teased, skating away. He thought about the jolt of electricity that went down his spine when Mila literally  _ stabbed  _ the back of his neck, and that’s when Victor realised.

 

His rut was approaching. 

 

He and Yuuri had always been relatively in sync. Some things just don’t change. 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

You won’t be able to get a hold of me, probably starting next week. I think my rut is here… 

 

Honestly, Victor would have been much less blunt if they were talking over the phone, but by text, it was just much easier to be straight and to the point. 

 

“You literally stink.” Yurio sneered as he skated past a moping Victor. 

 

“Did I ask for your opinion, brat?” Victor snapped back. He clicked his tongue. Now that he knew why he was being such an ass to everyone, he suddenly felt bad about it. “Sorry, I’m just not feeling myself.” With that, Victor just left the rink. 

 

“OI! Where are you going?!” Yurio almost got off the ice to chase him, but Mila stopped him by the arm. 

 

“Leave him. Trust me, he’ll be back to normal soon.” She winked. And then it clicked for Yurio, too. 

 

“ARGH GROSS! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN TELL ME THAT?!” He exclaimed, yanking his arm free from Mila’s grip. 

 

“I didn’t say anything.” 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:  
> It’s time for Victor to have the most vicious rut cycle.  
> Yuuri and Mika prepare to say goodbye to their family once again.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor has the most lonely rut and he realises how much he really misses Yuuri.  
> Yuuri takes on board Victor’s advice, as well as his mother’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to show a little bit of Mika’s speech development in this chapter. It’s been left out quite a lot in previous chapters and after feedback from the last few chapters, I decided to show Mika’s very minimal speech. He still doesn’t speak enough for a child his age, but I still wanted to show more of his speech.

From: Victor 🥰

You won’t be able to get a hold of me, probably starting next week. I think my rut is here… 

 

Yuuri sighed sympathetically, but he understood. 

 

To: Victor 🥰

Okay - let me know when you’re free again 😁

 

“Looks like daddy won’t be free to talk this week, darling.” Yuuri sighed as Mika sat on the bed in front of Yuuri with a nine piece jigsaw puzzle, paying Yuuri no mind. Mika’s legs were folded under his body, tiny, slipper-clad feet peeking out from under his bottom. With a soft smile, Yuuri gently squeezed Mika’s foot to try to get his attention, but to no avail. “Baby? Are you ignoring mummy?” Yuuri crooned and finally, Mika turned his head. With a bright smile, Mika got on all fours and crawled over, seating himself in Yuuri’s lap. 

 

Yuuri chuckled as Mika tucked his face into his chest, fingers gripping at the silk fabric of his kimono. 

 

“Amma…” 

 

“Yes, baby?” 

 

“Banana…” Yuuri laughed fondly. 

 

“Alright, darling. Shall we get you a banana?” Mika’s face lit up, nodding as he lifted his face from Yuuri’s chest. “What’s the magic word, baby?” Mika stared up at him, eyes blinking as he tilted his head. “Please?” 

 

“‘Ease!” Mika cooed, pulling another fond smile from Yuuri. Yuuri picked Mika up, and was about to carry him downstairs when he remembered what Victor said. 

 

_ Encourage him to walk by standing him up or guiding him.  _

 

So Yuuri gave it a go. He put Mika down on the floor, feet planted firmly on the ground, holding him by his hands. Mika wobbled, grumbling at the unusual feeling of having to stand on his own two feet. 

 

“Have a go, darling, one foot in front of the other.” Yuuri encouraged patiently as he held Mika’s hands. 

 

“Amma…” Mika grumbled, legs unsteady as Yuuri rubbed his thumbs over the back of Mika’s hands. Mika managed to stand for a little, then, slowly, one foot moved in front of the other. Yuuri was beaming. 

 

“Come on, you can do it, baby.” He cooed, but as soon as Mika took a second step, his feet became unbalanced and he fell, landing on his hands and knees with a thud. Yuuri sighed with a soft chuckle. 

 

“It’s okay, it’s okay. We can try again later.” He promised, picking Mika up. “You did well. We’ll try again later, but for now, let’s get you a banana.” Mika’s hands wrapped themselves around Yuuri’s neck, bringing his forehead to knock against Yuuri’s cheek. “Maybe you’ll have it down by the time daddy comes.” Yuuri crooned, carrying Mika downstairs. He took Mika into the front room, sitting him on the floor. “Give me two seconds.” Yuuri stood back up, knees clicking as he lifted himself from the floor. Mika’s head followed Yuuri as he left the living room for the kitchen. 

 

Momentarily, Yuuri returned with a banana, and peeled it. He broke it in half, holding it out for Mika. 

 

“What do we say, darling?” Yuuri coaxed, holding the banana in front of him. Mika’s hands reached out, whinging for the banana. “What’s the magic word, baby?” Mika grumbled, and Yuuri could see his little brain working hard to remember the magic word.

 

“‘Ease, Amma…” Mika pleaded, pulling a proud smile from Yuuri. 

 

“Good boy.” He praised. “Here, have a nibble on this.” Mika beamed as he grasped the banana from Yuuri’s hands. “Now, we say  _ ‘arigato, mamma _ ,’” Yuuri cooed, trying to encourage Mika to speak more. 

 

“Gatto, Amma.” Mika said quietly, glancing up at his mother. Yuuri chuckled proudly, heart swelling with joy as he kissed Mika’s forehead. 

 

“Enjoy your banana, darling.” 

————————————————————————

Victor’s body was crawling with irritation. He was twitchy and unsettled as he slammed his body into the mattress, fingers fisting the bedsheets. He inhaled deeply, but smelt nothing that was remotely  _ Yuuri _ , and growled. His mind was clouding over with lust as his skin heated up, body desperate to relieve the itchy, twitchy feeling that crawled under his skin, but to no avail. 

 

“Shit…” Victor hissed, face buried in his pillow as he gripped the bed spread. The bond mark on the back of his neck throbbed and stung, pulsing as it longed for Yuuri’s gentle touch. He took deep breaths, air filling his lungs as his heart raced. He could feel his length quickly harden at the tingling feel of the bedding beneath him, burning at the minute friction. 

 

His body was coated in sweat, muscles already beginning to ache as his hips began thrusting against the bedsheets of their own accord. Victor grumbled, shifting and shuffling as he struggled to get comfortable on the bed. 

 

Victor had no nest, nothing belonging to his mate, nothing to make him feel safe. He felt lost and insecure as he tried to think rationally, his hips jerking against the bed sheets as he tried to relieve himself. His member was slick with pre-come, glistening at the head as pearly fluid leaked from the tip, staining the sheets beneath him. It was sensitive, each touch sending electricity coursing up his spine and straight to his finger tips. 

 

“Yuuri…” He groaned, gritting his teeth into the pillow as he yearned for his omega. His hands reached out across the bed, to the left hand side—  _ Yuuri’s side  _ to reach for his mate, but Victor just grasped at air. His mate was nowhere to be seen. He was suffering, alone and abandoned as he rutted against the bed, calling for his omega.

 

Where was Yuuri? Why was Yuuri not here? Yuuri should be by his side, calming Victor’s nerves, reassuring Victor that everything would be okay. But he was not. Yuuri was supposed to be here to take care of him, to make sure he was safe. But he was not. Had Yuuri abandoned him? Victor didn’t know. Where was he? 

 

Victor wanted to wrap his arms around Yuuri, rest his hands on his slender hips. He wanted to squeeze his thighs and kiss his neck and inhale the omega’s sweet honey scent. He craved to hear his soft voice in his ear, those quiet moans of  _ “Victor, Victor, Vitya!”  _ that always poured from Yuuri’s throat in the most alluring voice. 

 

Victor grunted, his hand wrapping around his thick length, fingers caressing the ridge at the base of his member where his knot would form, locking itself right in Yuuri’s warmth. He gripped his length, his hand working furiously to bring himself release. 

 

“Yuuri… Yuuri… Yuuri…!” Victor bit his lip, hips stalling as one last stroke of his thumb had streams and streams of semen spurting from the tip. His fingers massaged the crown of the tip, hips jerking in sensitivity as he let out a feral growl. But he found himself unsatisfied. There was no omega beneath him, no arms around his neck, no  _ Yuuri  _ beside him. 

 

Victor panted heavily, shifting uncomfortably on the sheets, a disgusting, sticky feeling now blanketing his body. 

 

“Yuuri…” he cried out again, but was met with no response. There was no “ _ I’m here, Vitya,”,  _ nothing to reassure him that he was safe, he was loved, he was cared for. Victor had nothing to hold on to. He was lost and scared, unsatisfied and unsafe. Victor yearned for Yuuri’s honey scent to blanket him, to calm his heart and soothe his uneasiness, but Yuuri was not there. Yuuri was not with him. 

 

It was going to be a very long, very lonely week. 

————————————————————————

Yuuri and Mika had a little under a week before they were to be headed back to Switzerland. Yuuri had some training to catch up on, then Mika had his first speech therapy session, and then Victor would finally be coming to visit. Yuuri found himself staring at the ceiling, Mika in his lap, smiling like an idiot. 

 

“What are you smiling about?” Hiroko asked, catching Yuuri’s attention. 

 

_ “Victor. As per usual.”  _

 

_ “Victor’s coming to visit, and I can’t wait.”  _

 

_ “We’ll be seeing Victor soon, isn’t it nice that we’re getting along?”  _

 

“Nothing.” Yuuri lied. “Just… happy is all.” He smiled. Though, it wasn’t entirely a lie. He was very happy, and he had a lot to look forward to. Yuuri didn’t particularly enjoy lying to Hiroko but he couldn’t exactly tell her “I started talking to the ex who shattered my heart to pieces and left me with almost nothing again,” could he? Besides, it was a bit early for that. It wasn’t like they were getting back together or anything yet. 

 

“Are you sure?” Of course, Hiroko always knew when Yuuri was lying, but still, Yuuri continued to persist. 

 

“I’m sure.” Hiroko still knew he wasn’t being entirely honest, but the genuine smile on his face told her he was happy, so she dropped it. 

 

“When do you head back?” She asked. 

 

“Six days time. It’s been nice to be home again, but I have training and choreography to catch up on, and Mika has some speech therapy and doctor’s appointments to go to.” He let out a soft sigh, somewhat laced with concern. 

 

“Let us know how they go. And phone us if you need some support.” Yuuri nodded. 

 

“Of course.” Yuuri promised. “I think… we want to come back again before the next season starts.” 

 

“Are you coming back? After next season ends?” She asked, coming to sit down next to Yuuri, who frowned. 

 

“I don’t… I don’t really know.” He admitted. “I guess I’m just feeling a little lost at the minute. I’ve not really figured out what I’m going to do, but I know we can’t live here forever.” Yuuri bit his lip, glancing down at his son on the floor in front of him. “One day I’m going to have to pick myself up and move out, but… I’ve not had much of a chance to think about it.” Hiroko gave him a pitiful sigh. 

 

“Well, you know whatever you decide, you’ll always have a home here.” Hiroko promised, resting a hand on his shoulder. “And if your plans don’t work out, there’s always room for you and Mika. And if they do, well, don’t forget to visit.” Her loving, tender tone and that motherly love pulled a soft smile from Yuuri. 

 

“Thanks, mom. I promise, I’ll let you know when I figure it out. And mom?” 

 

“Hmm?” 

 

“Am I doing a good job?” Yuuri asked, biting his lip. “Am I raising him right? Am I doing this right?” Yuuri gazed up at her with a hopeful face, eyes big and brow creased. 

 

“You’re doing a great job, Yuuri.” She said truthfully. “He’s well behaved, he's sweet, you really are doing well. But I do think maybe you should let him try to be independent. Let him try to walk alone, or ask for things rather than just giving him what he wants without asking.” Yuuri nodded - she was right. Maybe he was hounding Mika a little. “I know he means the world to you, but one day you’ll have to let him go and he’ll have to be independent. So maybe start now. Try to encourage him more to do things by himself rather than doing them for him.” Yuuri nodded again, and smiled. 

 

“I’ll try. Thanks, mom.” He sighed in relief, glancing over at Mika. 

 

“It’s hard being a single parent. But you can do it. Look - you’ve already done so well.” She praised proudly. “I know you’ll be okay.” She gave him a hug, arms enveloping him in motherly warmth before she stood up. “I have to get back to the kitchen now.” Yuuri nodded, letting her go. 

 

Yuuri had a lot to think about - Mika would be about two and a half when the next season finished. Yuuri had to think about encouraging Mika to be independent, he had to help him develop better social skills and mobility skills, and even make sure that Mika wasn’t overly attached by the time he started school. It would be difficult for Mika to settle into school if he was too attached to Yuuri. 

 

And then Yuuri had to think about getting Mika into school. If Yuuri were to pick somewhere to move to… it would be somewhere where Mika could easily go to school. Where he could lead a normal, privileged life. Where he could be happy and healthy too. Would Yuuri stay in Japan or go abroad? Head for Europe or North America? There were so many things he had to think about, and so many things he wanted Victor’s opinion on too. 

 

But for now, he had to focus on Mika at this moment in time. The future, well, it could wait a little while longer. 

————————————————————————

His hand was wrapped around his member, squeezing around the base of the knot as his fingertips worked to caress the vein on the underside of his cock. Victor whimpered, his thumb rubbing the crown of his tip, a single touch against the ridge sending shivers down his spine as his back arched. He needed to bury himself in the tight, warm heat of  _ Yuuri _ , he needed to feel him squeeze around his knot and moan beneath him. 

 

“Come on…” Victor huffed, hand working tirelessly to bring him to at least one satisfying orgasm. It had been three days, but still, not a single orgasm actually felt  _ rewarding.  _ Instead, they were tiring and uncomfortable, but somehow, his body craved more, chasing the unsatisfactory feeling. Victor fisted the blankets beneath him, desperately trying to grasp at something, anything that smelt like his mate. But he had nothing. He had no mate, no nest, nothing. 

 

“Ahh… Fuck…” Victor groaned low in his throat, shifting uncomfortably on the sheets as he tried to readjust his position. He shuffled his body weight onto his shoulders, the sudden drag of the sheets against the tip of his cock sent his hips jerking, pre-come dribbling onto the sheets as a growl tore itself free from deep in Victor’s chest. One more twist of his wrist and one more caress of his finger pushed him over the edge. 

 

“Ahh! O-oh fuck… god…” Victor’s hips stuttered as he came, come spurting in thick, milky streams, coating Victor’s torso and chest, as well as the sheets beneath him. Victor was expecting a wash of satisfaction to overcome him, so he could finally feel some relief. But much to Victor’s dismay, his body was already yearning for more. He sucked in a heavy breath, air filling his lungs as he dug his teeth into the pillow beneath his face. He was exhausted, head cloudy and limbs numb. 

 

Victor’s body was hot and sticky with sweat and semen. His legs were tired, his hips ache, and his throat was sore. His lungs burned as they forced out laboured breaths, trembling and heavy with each puff as the air left his lungs. Cries for his mate went unheard - Yuuri was not coming for him. Victor heaved, tears streaming his face as he gripped the pillow under his head, gripping the fabric between his fingers. 

 

He inhaled deeply, hoping to catch even just a whiff of his omega, but there was nothing. Just the salty smell of his own sweat and tears soaking the pillow. Victor had never felt so vulnerable and weak before. There was nothing to protect him, no one to make him feel safe and cared for. Victor felt cold. There were no soft, fluffy blankets around him, the ones Yuuri loved to encase themselves in. There were none of Yuuri’s clothes, the ones that he stole off Victor and marked as his own. 

 

“Come back for me, Yuuri…” He cried between harsh breaths, the words coming out as hoarse whispers as he sniffled. But why would Yuuri come back for someone like Victor? Victor, who’s irrational and insensitive, who thinks of no one but himself. Victor, who broke Yuuri’s heart to irreparable pieces. Of course Yuuri wouldn’t be coming back for him. 

————————————————————————

“Now, darling, if you want something, what do you say?” Yuuri encouraged as Mika’s hands reached out for the yoghurt Yuuri was holding. Yuuri was sat on the bed, Mika in front of him, whining for Yuuri to pass him the yoghurt. “We say  _ pozhaluysta _ .” Yuuri said, peeling back the lid of the yoghurt.  _ “Pozhaluysta.”  _ Yuuri repeated, and he could see the way Mika’s eyes lit up. 

 

“Aza’usta!” Mika squeaked, pulling a fond smile from Yuuri. 

 

“Good, baby.” He cooed, scraping the yoghurt off the lid. “Here.” Yuuri said, dipping the spoon into the yoghurt. He passed it to Mika, who stared at it. “Mom says I need to let you try things yourself.” Mika continued to gaze at the spoon before bringing it to his lips, licking at the creamy yoghurt. Yuuri laughed. 

 

“Not quite, baby.” He said, taking the spoon off Mika to dip it back into the yoghurt before passing it to Mika again. “Here, hold it like this.” Yuuri adjusted Mika’s grip on the spoon, careful not to drop the yoghurt. Yuuri watched with pride as Mika spooned the yoghurt into his mouth. He pulled out his phone to snap a photo, ready to send to Victor. The photo was of Mika sat up, spoon in his hand and mouth covered in yoghurt. He was simply adorable - Victor was sure to agree. 

 

To: Victor 🥰

_ [New Image] _

Mika (sort of) fed himself yoghurt today 😍 I also taught him to say “pozhaluysta”, let’s see if he remembers it tomorrow ☺️☺️☺️

 

“Once you’ve finished your yoghurt we’ll head downstairs to see grandma and grandpa.” Yuuri cooed, dipping Mika’s spoon into the yoghurt again before passing it back to Mika, adjusting his grip again. 

 

Yuuri watched in awe as Mika worked his way through the yoghurt, occasionally taking the spoon to dip back into the pot before passing it back. Soon enough, Mika was finished, and his face was covered in pink, strawberry yoghurt. Yuuri snapped a photo before taking the spoon off him. 

 

“Come on, let’s head downstairs.” He set the yoghurt pot and spoon down on the bedside table, and made a mental note to bring them down with him. Yuuri picked Mika up, bringing him off the bed and stood him up on the floor. ”Shall we try again?” Yuuri encouraged, holding Mika’s hands to support him. “Let’s see if you can make it today.” Yuuri watched as Mika stared down at his feet, grumbling as if he were about to cry. 

 

“You can do it, come on.” Yuuri cooed encouragingly as Mika gripped harder on Yuuri’s hands. “One foot in front of the other.” Yuuri smiled fondly as Mika cautiously lifted a slipper-clad foot. “Good boy.” Yuuri praised softly as Mika settled his foot on the floor. He smiled proudly, leaning to kiss his head. “One more, darling. You can do it.” He crooned as Mika tentatively took another step before falling to his hands and knees with a groan. Yuuri smiled fondly and picked him up. 

 

“See, you did great.” He kissed Mika’s forehead, the tip of his nose just brushing Mika’s fringe. “You’ll get it soon.” He promised as Mika brought his arms around Yuuri’s neck. “Let’s go and see if grandma and aunt Mari need a hand.” Yuuri carried Mika out of the room and down the stairs, into the living area. He put Mika down on the floor and left him to his own entertainment. 

 

“Mom, Mari, do you need a hand?” Yuuri asked, peeking his head around the door. “I’ve just sat Mika down so I can help if you need it.” 

 

“S’alright.” Mari said, putting down the potato peeler. “Go and take care of the squirt. We’ve got everything in here.” She smiled and Yuuri nodded. 

 

“You’ll me know if you need anything, right?”

 

“Mika needs you more than we do, now go.” Mari said, shooing Yuuri out of the kitchen. Yuuri returned to Mika’s side, who was staring up at the ceiling. He sat down, legs crossed next to Mika. Yuuri watched as Mika glanced around the room, head turning as he absorbed his surroundings. 

 

“ _ O chem ty dymaesh _ ,  _ solnyshko _ ?” Yuuri cooed, catching Mika’s attention. Mika turned his head to Yuuri with a bright smile. 

 

“Amma!” Mika’s arms reached out for Yuuri, who picked him up, seating him in his lap. 

 

“You’re teaching him Russian too?” Mari commented as she stood at the kitchen door, catching Yuuri’s attention.

 

“English, Russian, Japanese, if I can speak it, he will too.” Yuuri said quietly, staring at Mika in his lap. “He’s half Russian, after all.” 

 

“Well considering you don’t talk to that bastard anymore what’s the point?” Mari asked, somewhat bitterly. 

 

_ “I do speak to him, actually, quite a lot.”  _

 

_ “ _ Language.” Yuuri bit back. “And… that’s besides the point.” Yuuri argued. “If Mika is half Russian, he will learn to speak Russian too. Whether we’re still in contact or not has nothing to do with how he’ll be raised.” Yuuri creased his brow as Mari gave some sort of non-committal hum. 

 

“Don’t you think three languages is a bit too much at the moment?” Yuuri shrugged. 

 

“No, I think he can do it.” He smiled proudly. “I know at the moment he doesn’t seem to speak a lot but I’m sure he can do it. He’s Victor’s son after all, and there’s nothing Victor can’t do.” Yuuri smiled, somewhat nostalgically. 

 

“Yeah apart from keep a marriage together.” Mari muttered under her breath, but Yuuri heard it, and frowned. 

 

“Please don't mention that again.” Yuuri mumbled. 

 

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean to be so insensitive.” Mari apologised, pushing herself off the door frame. 

 

“It’s okay. It doesn’t really bother me anymore but I guess I just don’t really like to be reminded.” Yuuri explained with a soft sigh. Though it was somewhat an ironic statement, considering he spoke to Victor most days. Not like Mari knew, or needed to know, for that matter. 

 

“Well, I’m gonna get back to the kitchen.” Yuuri nodded. “And Yuuri?” 

 

“Hmm?” 

 

“You’re doing a great job.” Yuuri let out a sigh of relief, his previously sour face turned into a smile. 

 

“Thanks.” 

————————————————————————

Victor’s eyes were sticky with sleep. With a grumble, he sat up with a heavy sigh. His head pounded as he hissed in pain. He sat on the bed for a few moments, debating whether to shower or eat first before the next wave hit him in the gut. With a grunt, he slid out of bed and put on a silk robe. His stomach growled with hunger, but despite its complaints, Victor didn’t feel like eating. Yuuri would have forced him to eat -  _ “you have to eat something, Vitya, or you won’t have enough energy. Come on, at least eat an energy bar.”  _ But without Yuuri’s encouraging voice chiming in his ear, Victor couldn’t bring himself to stomach anything that wasn’t water.

 

Victor groaned as he picked up a bottle of water, almost downing it all in one gulp. God, how was he going to survive another wave with his head in such pain? He put down the almost empty bottle. 

 

He let out a frustrated sigh. Yuuri would normally be the one to help him stock up on water, to strip the bed of the dirty sheets and throw them in the washer, to make sure he ate even if he wasn’t feeling it. Ruts were so lonely without Yuuri. His heart longed to have his tender touch against his skin, dabbing his forehead free of sweat and wiping his face clean. Yuuri always knew how to take care of him the best. 

 

Victor dragged his body to the bathroom and turned on the taps to sort himself a shower. He didn’t really see the point in showering to be honest - he was only going to get drenched in sweat and other bodily fluids afterwards anyway. But for the sake of making himself feel better, he forced himself to shower. 

 

He stood under the scalding water, letting the droplets fall down his body. The steam began to cloud his mind even more, the heat almost suffocating as he washed dried semen and stale sweat off his skin. Victor stood under the water and let himself cry, heavy breaths pulling from his lungs as tears streamed down his face. Victor missed showering with Yuuri. Yuuri would work the knots out of Victor’s shoulders. He’d use gentle fingers to massage his scalp, cleaning out dirt and sweat from his delicate hair. Yuuri would wash his back, removing the grim feeling that crusted his skin. He’d whisper sweet things in Victor’s ear, promises of  _ “I love you,”  _ quietly filling the space between them. 

 

Showering alone made Victor realise truly, how much he missed Yuuri’s company. Showers were one of those purely domestic times of the day, where they were both tired and feeling especially affectionate. They’d spend what felt like forever under the hot water, captured in each other’s embrace, sighing softly as they closed their eyes.  _ “Vitya, the water is starting to get cold.”  _ Yuuri would protest. “ _ A few more minutes, solnyshko.”  _ Victor would sigh.  _ “Your skin is pruning.”  _ Yuuri would tease, feeling Victor become stiff and prickly against his body.  _ “Okay okay, fine. Let’s get out. Help me dry my hair?” “Of course.”  _

 

And now, Victor didn’t have Yuuri to share a shower with, let alone share a rut with. It had already been such an excruciatingly painful and lonely five days and Victor wasn’t sure how much more he could take. With an exasperated sigh, he turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. 

 

Victor didn’t even bother getting changed. He dried off, slipped on a bathrobe, and went to bring another crate of water bottles up from downstairs. His arms felt tired and weak as he dropped the crate of bottles on the floor next to the bed, sighing heavily as he fell onto the sheets, mind quickly becoming foggy with heat again. Damn, he was hoping he’d at least have a couple more minutes of peace before his body demanded more again. 

————————————————————————

Yuuri laid Mika down on the bed, ready to settle him down to turn in.

 

“Good night, darling. Mummy and daddy love you very much.” He cooed, pulling the blanket over him as he kissed his forehead. 

 

“Adda…  _ doko _ ?” Mika tiredly asked, beady eyes staring up hopefully at Yuuri, fingers holding the fabric of the handkerchief tightly. 

 

“Daddy can’t be here at the moment, baby.” Yuuri sighed sadly with a gentle frown. While Mika may not have understood him, he for sure could understand the fact that daddy was nowhere to be seen, and the sad smile on Yuuri’s face. 

 

“Adda…” Mika’s eyes welled up as he whimpered, squeezing Victor’s handkerchief between tiny hands. Yuuri gave him a pitiful sigh and picked him up, sitting him down on his lap. Mika buried his face in Yuuri’s chest, tears streaking his face as he whined for Victor. Watching Mika cry for Victor sent another wave of guilt coursing through Yuuri’s body, a sorry look covering his face. Yuuri ran a soothing hand up and down Mika’s back, hushing him comfortingly. Mika had a bit of a cry before tiredly drifting to sleep.

 

Yuuri cradled Mika against his chest, lying back on the bed as Mika slowly fell asleep. With a bittersweet smile, Yuuri snapped a picture of Mika against his chest, one hand supporting his body. Mika’s fingers gripped the handkerchief as well as the collar of Yuuri’s kimono, his face tucked under Yuuri’s chin. 

 

To: Victor 🥰

_ [New Image]  _

Someone misses you :( told him daddy can’t be here and he started crying 😔 I think he’s excited to see you ☺️

 

Yuuri sighed contently as Mika snored against his chest. After Mika had fully settled down and fallen asleep, Yuuri lifted Mika off his chest, careful not to disturb him, and laid him down on the bed, pulling the covers over him. Yuuri sat up, one hand rested on Mika’s head as his thumb softly rubbed against his forehead, drawing soft circles. He watched the up-down movements of Mika’s chest as he slept, his steady breathing bringing peace to Yuuri’s worrisome mind. 

 

He turned to face Mika, body propped up on his elbow as he rested his cheek on the palm of his hand. Mika reminded Yuuri of Victor when he slept - quaint snores, occasional grumbles, but most of all, a peaceful expression that made Yuuri’s heart swell over with adoration. Unable to help himself, Yuuri snapped another photo.

 

To: Victor 🥰

_ [New Image]  _

He looks just like you 💖💕

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Victor reads all of Yuuri’s texts and sees Mika’s photos.  
> Yuuri and Mika prepare to head back to Switzerland.
> 
> Translations:  
> “Arigato” - Thanks  
> “Pozhaluysta” - Please  
> “O chem ty dymaesh?” - what are you thinking about?  
> “Doko” - where 
> 
> Feel free to correct my translations!


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri and Mika prépare to head home.   
> Yuuri and Mari bump heads   
> Yuuri voices his concerns about Mika to Victor.

Victor’s neck was stiff. His hips and thighs burned, his skin was sticky and he felt absolutely  _ disgusting.  _ He reeked as well. He fumbled to grab a bottle of water from the floor, half tempted to tip it all over his body as he downed it all in two gulps. With a heavy, tired sigh, he slid out from the covers. Victor opened the windows to air out the room - he was still a little bit disoriented, almost tripping over as he stood up too fast from the bed. As soon as the windows flew open, he could already feel the musky, heavy air lift. 

 

Changing the bed sheets were by far the most annoying and tedious task possible, but it had to be done, especially after a rut. Finally, he could get rid of these uncomfortable, scratchy cotton bed sheets. Oh, how Victor had missed his thousand thread count silk bedding covers. He practically tore the cheap cotton off the sheets, tossing them in the bin before carefully pulling the silk sheets over the mattress to cover it. 

 

Once the bed was clean and fresh, Victor dragged his body to the bathroom, legs heavier than lead, yet just about as stable as jelly. Victor turned on the hot water, and whilst the water heated up, he picked up a bathrobe from the airing cupboard, and a fresh set of clothes. Yuuri would normally pamper him rotten after a rut, but it seemed as though he’d be pampering himself for the foreseeable future. With a sad sigh, he stepped under the hot water. 

 

It felt good to finally be able to fully enjoy a shower without having to rush, without being lightheaded and queasy. Victor made sure to clean his scalp, massaging to get rid of all the sweat and dirt before scrubbing dried semen off his body. Urgh. Gross. 

 

Victor’s stomach growled as he showered, desperate for a meal that was somewhat more filling than a few protein bars. He groaned - he knew for a fact he had no  _ real  _ food in the house, so it would have to be take out. 

 

After pondering the plethora of things he needs to take care of, he got out of the shower. Victor dried off, blow drying his hair till it was soft and fluffy before brushing his fringe out properly. Quickly, he put on a fresh set of clothes and immediately dove into soft, silk sheets. 

 

Victor finally checked his phone to see a few texts, all of which were accompanied by adorable photos of their beautiful boy. 

 

From: Yuuri 💕

_ [New Image] _

Mika (sort of) fed himself yoghurt today 😍 I also taught him to say “pozhaluysta”, let’s see if he remembers it tomorrow ☺️☺️☺️

 

From: Yuuri 💕

_ [New Image]  _

Someone misses you :( told him daddy can’t be here and he started crying 😔 I think he’s excited to see you ☺️

 

From: Yuuri 💕

_ [New Image]  _

He looks just like you 💖💕

 

Victor’s heart melted. Yoghurt around his face and spoon in his hand, Mika sported the biggest grin. Pride swelled in his chest - he’d have to get Mika to say  _ pozhaluysta _ again the next time he facetimed them. And then after such a heartwarming photo, the next one was heartbreaking. Mika’s cheeks were pink, his face screwed up as tears flowed down his cheeks and he could see the handkerchief that Victor had gifted him squeezed in tiny fists. The last one was simply serene - Mika looked so peaceful cuddled up to Yuuri’s chest. And he was right, too. Mika looked exactly like his father. 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

How cute 😍 did he remember pozhaluysta then? I'll have to get him to at it again when we next phone!! 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

Daddy misses him too 😔😔😔 but soon! Not long now though! Just another 8 days 😍😍😍

 

To: Yuuri 💕

Honestly this trip to come and visit was so impulsive only I would book a flight two weeks in advance 😂😂 I promise next time it’ll be more planned out lol 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

He looks just like me I’m so happy 😭😭😭 let me know when you’re free to FaceTime? Miss you 💕

————————————————————————

From: Victor 🥰

_ (4 Notifications)  _

 

Mika was slowly getting the hang of balancing on his own two feet. Yuuri held on to his hands, guiding him slowly, and Mika had managed two steps before falling down onto his hands and knees with a soft thud and a grumble. It was for sure an improvement - Yuuri was confident that some enough, he would be able to walk on his own. He would pick it up quickly, Yuuri was sure. 

 

Now that Yuuri had encouraged Mika to talk a little more, he was beginning to pick up words at a slightly faster pace too. Even though his speech level still was not quite where it should be for his age, progress was progress, and Yuuri was incredibly proud. For one, Mika had remembered both “ _ pozhaluysta”  _ and “ _ arigato _ ”, and had also picked up “ _ oba-san _ ”, which of course, Hiroko was incredibly pleased with. 

 

Yuuri still couldn’t really stop doing things for Mika - he would occasionally do things like knowing what he wants without needing to ask, such as passing him toys or reading to him. All Mika had to do was point and grumble, and Yuuri instantly gave him what he wanted. It was an incredibly difficult habit to break, especially when Yuuri just wanted to make sure Mika had each of his needs met promptly. But at the same time, he knew he couldn’t keep spoiling Mika like that - it would be unhealthy to his development. Not only that, but he’d told Victor not to spoil Mika too, it would be hypocritical of Yuuri to do just that. 

 

“Four texts from Victor?” Yuuri felt himself beam and glow inside with joy - Victor had finally texted him back! And then he realised. Mari had been the one to see the notifications. Suddenly, his heart dropped in fear as Mari picked up his phone from the counter, her tone almost predatory. “I thought you hadn’t spoken for years.” She interrogated sternly as Yuuri sat up properly. 

 

“Please give me my phone.” Yuuri asked calmly, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up. 

 

“Why are you still talking to him? After what he did to you why would you let yourself fall back into his trap again?!” She asked, raising her voice at him. 

 

“What’s going on?” Hiroko interfered, poking her head around the door. 

 

“Nothing!” Yuuri hastily blurted out. “Nothing, don’t worry.” He flashed her a smile and held his breath, only releasing it once his mother’s footsteps had retreated. 

 

“Why are you still talking to him?” Mari hounded, repeating the question once more. “And you have a heart face by his contact name! How long have you been talking to him?!” 

 

“That’s none of your business, and I don’t owe you any answers!” Yuuri argued back. “Please give me my phone back.” Yuuri asked once more, but Mari didn’t acknowledge him. 

 

“Why would you talk to someone who shattered your heart to pieces and almost killed you both?” Mari’s tone was furious now, turning heads of the guests at the inn. That, that struck a nerve. A very big, very sensitive nerve. Yuuri was sure he could have slapped her across the face, had Mika not been right next to him. 

 

“That was  _ not _ his fault. Don’t ever bring that up again.” Yuuri hissed through clenched teeth, biting back angry remarks. Yuuri found it nothing short of insensitive to even bring that up, especially around Mika and it didn’t matter if he understood them or not. The pit of anxiety that always lingered in his stomach now festered, Yuuri’s voice shaking, skin prickling in fear at the way vivid memories flashed up behind his eyes.

 

“This has nothing to do with you so just give me my phone.” Yuuri sighed in disgust. Mika, sensing the rising tension between them, crawled himself into Yuuri’s lap, gripping tightly onto Yuuri’s kimono. 

 

“You know, I did wonder where you mysteriously came back with a handkerchief for Mika and why he won’t let go of it.” She observed. “Did you meet him? What would mom say! I can’t believe you let him anywhere near Mika.” Her voice was laced with anger and irritation and disappointment, but Yuuri didn’t even know what she had to be angry about - she’s the one who thinks he’s incapable or fragile or can’t make good decisions. He was almost in tears - there was nothing Yuuri hated more than anyone’s voice being raised at him.

 

“I don’t know what she’d say to me but she’d definitely tell you to give me my phone back and tell you it’s my life, not yours!” Yuuri spat bitterly, standing up as he held Mika in one arm to snatch back his phone. “Thank you. Mind your own business.” Yuuri mumbled, moving himself and Mika to the other side of the room so he could text Victor back. 

 

Yuuri’s eyes followed as Mari left the front room, cursing under her breath as she went back into the kitchen. With a shaky sigh, he swallowed, unlocking his phone to read Victor’s texts, hoping they’d put him in a better mood. In hindsight, he shouldn’t have left his phone out in the open for her to see, but still, Mari shouldn’t have been nosey. Yuuri was afraid his family were going to have exactly that reaction. He just hoped Mari had enough respect for his privacy that she didn’t tell their parents. Or, the whole of Hasetsu, for that matter. 

 

From: Victor 🥰

How cute 😍 did he remember pozhaluysta then? I'll have to get him to at it again when we next phone!! 

 

From: Victor 🥰

Daddy misses him too 😔😔😔 but soon! Not long now though! Just another 8 days 😍😍😍

 

From: Victor 🥰

Honestly this trip to come and visit was so impulsive only I would book a flight two weeks in advance 😂😂 I promise next time it’ll be more planned out lol 

 

From: Victor 🥰

He looks just like me I’m so happy 😭😭😭 let me know when you’re free to FaceTime? Miss you 💕

 

Yuuri let out a somewhat shaky sigh of relief, the corners of his lips turning up into a tiny smile. 

 

To: Victor 🥰

Haha, you’ve never been anything short of spontaneous tho! You can properly plan your next visit ☺️ 

 

To: Victor 🥰

He does 😍 so sweet too - he makes me smile so much 💕

 

To: Victor 🥰

Probably won’t be free to FaceTime until we get home 😔 Mari won’t stop hounding me… 

 

To: Victor 🥰

We can’t wait to see you too ☺️☺️ it would be nice to be just the 3 of us again… Mika has missed you a lot and it makes it worse because he doesn’t understand why you’re not here. He just knows you can’t be here but he doesn’t know why 😔 

 

To: Victor 🥰

After all, how can we even explain to our 1 ½ year old that his parents are split up?

 

Yuuri bit his lip, worrying it between his teeth as he gazed pitifully at Mika, who nonchalantly sat with a set of colourful, wooden blocks in front of him, stacking and knocking them down. One day they’d have to explain to him why they’re apart. But Yuuri supposed that that time wasn’t going to be now, or anytime soon for that matter. 

 

With a soft sigh, Yuuri clicked his phone off and put it away, this time, in his pocket. He stood up off the floor and picked Mika up. “Come on, baby.” He cooed as he left the room and headed upstairs. “We still need to finish packing.” 

————————————————————————

Victor was looking through the photos on his phone. Or more specifically, photos from when him and Yuuri tied the knot, a little over five years ago. These photos used to bring him nothing but pain, mere memories of how Victor failed Yuuri. Of how Victor let Yuuri down and disappointed him and broke his heart and trust. 

 

But now, Victor only sighed in nostalgia. To be honest, he hadn’t looked at these photos in a long, long time until now. What they shared was far, far, far from perfect, and when they called it quits, Victor thought he’d be hanging onto Yuuri for the rest of his life, full of regret and guilt and anguish. That was still partly true. Apart from Yuuri had forgiven him, and Victor didn’t feel like he had to hold on to the scraps of their failed marriage anymore. 

 

One by one, Victor deleted all but one photo from their wedding day. He’d accepted that Yuuri might never want to be with him again, and while Victor missed Yuuri more than anything, he was okay with that. Besides, what he shared now with Yuuri was much healthier than what they once had, and looking back, what they have now is so much more important. 

 

Just as he’d finished clearing out their wedding album, five new texts came in from Yuuri. 

 

From: Yuuri 💕

Haha, you’ve never been anything short of spontaneous tho! You can properly plan your next visit ☺️ 

 

From: Yuuri 💕

He does 😍 so sweet too - he makes me smile so much 💕

 

From: Yuuri 💕

Probably won’t be free to FaceTime until we get home in a couple of days 😔 Mari won’t stop hounding me… 

 

From: Yuuri 💕

We can’t wait to see you too ☺️☺️ it would be nice to be just the 3 of us again… Mika has missed you a lot and it makes it worse because he doesn’t understand why you’re not here. He just knows you can’t be here but he doesn’t know why 😔 

 

From: Yuuri 💕

After all, how can we even explain to our 1 ½ year old that his parents are split up?

 

Victor could understand Yuuri’s concern. It was definitely difficult for Mika to understand why Victor wasn’t here. With a worried sigh, he typed back a text. 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

We don’t have to explain it to him now. And when the time comes that we do, he’ll understand. I’d never make you explain something like that to our son alone, don’t worry 💕

 

To: Yuuri 💕

Mika understands how much we love him and as long as we keep reminding him that we’ll always love him, as long as he never forgets, it’ll all be okay. 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

It’s probably frustrating for him to wonder why we aren’t together, but there’s little we can do to help him understand at the moment. All we can do is work together to give him everything he deserves and more. 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

I understand how frustrating it is for you both, and I’m sorry about that. It’s frustrating for me too. But all we can do is work through things slowly. So, try not to stress about things we can’t control ☺️

 

Victor let out a concerned sigh. He hoped he had said the right things to calm Yuuri’s worrisome mind - sometimes it was a little bit difficult to know what he should say to help Yuuri feel better. While he didn’t know Yuuri in the same way he used to anymore, he certainly knew how to respond to Yuuri much better now than he did before. 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

If you can ever slip out of Mari’s grasp for a little while, phone me. I’d love to hear your voice ❣️

————————————————————————

“Baby?  _ Densha wo katazukete moraemasu ka _ ?” Yuuri asked, pointing to the train in his hand and then to the suitcase. Mika looked at him, then at the toy train in his hand, and then back at Yuuri. 

 

“ _ Kore _ ?” Mika asked, holding up a train. 

 

“ _ Hai, onegai.” _ Yuuri cooed as he continued to fold and stack Mika’s clothes. Mika nodded. Slowly, he picked up each train, one by one, and put them into the suitcase. Yuuri smiled proudly as he watched. He pulled out his phone to see five new messages from Victor, but they’d have to wait - he had a lot of packing to do. Quickly though, he snapped a photo of Mika gently placing the trains into the suitcase. 

 

“ _ Arigato,  _ Mika.” Yuuri smiled fondly. 

 

Yuuri was picking up Mika’s things from his crib and putting them aside to put in the suitcase. He turned back around to see Mika, sat in the suitcase, putting one train in and taking another train out. He snorted, snapping another quick picture. 

 

“Come on, darling.” He chuckled, picking Mika up and moving him out of the suitcase so he could fit his clothes in. Yuuri turned his attention to the rest of Mika’s things, taking clean bibs from the draws and refilling diapers into his baby bag, but when Yuuri turned around once more, Mika was sat in the suitcase again. With another fond laugh, Yuuri stacked his clothes into the suitcase around Mika, tucking them into the crevices of the suitcase before snapping another photo. 

 

“Alright, baby.” He chuckled. “Come on, out of the suitcase.” He crooned, picking Mika up out of the suitcase to sit him on the bed. 

 

“Out! Out!” Mika giggled as Yuuri sat him on the bed. 

 

“Yes, baby, out.” Yuuri repeated with a soft kiss to his forehead. “Thank you for putting your toys away.” He smiled before returning to the task of packing again. 

 

It took Yuuri a little while to finish up packing their things. He had Mika’s baby bag ready, sat on top of their suitcase. Clothes had been packed, baby supplies had been packed, and of course, Japanese snacks. Yuuri knew Victor loved them. 

 

Finally, he could read Victor’s messages. 

 

From: Victor 🥰

We don’t have to explain it to him now. And when the time comes that we do, he’ll understand. I’d never make you explain something like that to our son alone, don’t worry 💕

 

From: Victor 🥰

Mika understands how much we love him and as long as we keep reminding him that we’ll always love him, as long as he never forgets, it’ll all be okay. 

 

From: Victor 🥰

It’s probably frustrating for him to wonder why we aren’t together, but there’s little we can do to help him understand at the moment. All we can do is work together to give him everything he deserves and more. 

 

From: Victor 🥰

I understand how frustrating it is for you both, and I’m sorry about that. It’s frustrating for me too. But all we can do is work through things slowly. So, try not to stress about things we can’t control ☺️

 

From: Victor 🥰

If you can ever slip out of Mari’s grasp for a little while, phone me. I’d love to hear your voice ❣️

 

Yuuri sighed. Victor was right - even if they could explain to Mika why they weren’t together, Mika just couldn’t understand. For now, Yuuri just had to watch Mika cry every time he told him “daddy isn’t here,” or “daddy can’t be here,” or “you won’t see daddy for a while,”. 

 

To: Victor 🥰

You’re right… I guess I just hate seeing him cry and it breaks my heart to tell him daddy isn’t here… but you’re right. I just hope that when we do have to explain it to him, he understands. I don’t want him to grow up thinking “daddy wasn’t here so daddy doesn’t love me” 😔 I really needed to hear that ☺️

 

To: Victor 🥰

_ [New Image] _

_ [New Image] _

But on a brighter note, we packing to leave tomorrow night and I asked Mika to put his trains away. So he started to put them away, and I turned around for a minute, and he’d climbed into the suitcase!!! 😍😍😍 so here I am, trying to pack around him 😂

 

To: Victor 🥰

Okay, I’ll see if I can phone later? 

 

Just as Yuuri sent his text, there was a knock at the door. 

 

“Come in.” The door opened, and there Mari was stood. Yuuri sighed and rolled his eyes. “I’m not going to argue about this with you again.” He expressed. 

 

“Dinner’s ready.” Yuuri nodded. “And… I’m sorry. I just want you to be careful and I don’t want you to get hurt again.” Yuuri let out a soft sigh, but smiled. 

 

“I understand.” He said. “But we’ll be okay, I promise. It’s just… I couldn’t live with myself knowing I kept Mika away from his father so… I let them meet.” Mari came in and took a seat next to him. “I know it sounds stupid to you but to me, to us, it was the right thing to do. Mika really loves him, and Victor really loves Mika too. I guess I could never truly let him go, no matter how much I lied to myself and others.” He sighed again, biting his lip. “You probably think I’m an idiot, falling for him again but… I think seeking him out could be the best choice I’ve made in a long, long time.” Mari could see the genuine smile on Yuuri’s face - it was one she hadn’t seen in years. 

 

“Just promise me you’ll be okay.” 

 

“I will.” He said reassuringly as Mari stood up. 

 

“Good. Now come on, one of your last meals before you leave again.” 

————————————————————————

There were eight days before Victor was set to fly out and Victor was currently going through his checklist of things to do. A Burberry trench coat had been ordered for Yuuri, as well as some Russian snacks, and he’d put together a collection of his favourite children’s books in three different languages, alphabet blocks, a pink mink blanket and some clothes for Mika. Victor literally had a huge suitcase just full of presents for Mika and Yuuri. 

 

Mila had been paid to look after Makkachin for two weeks, Yurio had his training instructions given to him (and in return Victor got an earful from Yurio about skipping training and blah blah blah blah blah— but make sure Katsudon and Mini Katsudon are okay!), and Victor had Yakov take over his juniors for two weeks too. 

 

He was meticulously folding clothes into his own suitcase - jeans and shirts, the same lace blouse he wore on his date with Yuuri after Worlds, two blazers, sweatpants and t-shirts, shoes… With the amount of clothes he had packed one would assume he was going on a three month cruise around the world. 

 

Victor couldn’t wait to hold Mika again. He’d missed their little boy so much - his bright eyes, his precious smile, the way he clung to Yuuri, it was all so cute. Mika was truly the apple of his eye. Maybe they could get him to walk when he visited. Victor thought he’d probably cry if he got to see Mika’s first steps. 

 

When he was finally done packing, he made haste to read Yuuri’s texts, which had come in about an hour ago. 

 

From: Yuuri 💕

You’re right… I guess I just hate seeing him cry and it breaks my heart to tell him daddy isn’t here… but you’re right. I just hope that when we do have to explain it to him, he understands. I don’t want him to grow up thinking “daddy wasn’t here so daddy doesn’t love me” 😔 I really needed to hear that ☺️

 

From: Yuuri 💕

_ [New Image] _

_ [New Image] _

But on a brighter note, we packing to leave tomorrow night and I asked Mika to put his trains away. So he started to put them away, and I turned around for a minute, and he’d climbed into the suitcase!!! 😍😍😍 so here I am, trying to pack around him 😂

 

From: Yuuri 💕

Okay, I’ll see if I can phone later? 

 

Victor almost had a heart attack when he saw the pictures of Mika, one of him holding a train and the other of him sat in the suitcase and Yuuri packing clothes around him. He saved both of them, setting the one of him sat in the suitcase as his lock screen photo. 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

I promise, we’ll be okay. You’re Yuuri Katsuki, and you can do anything 🥰

 

To: Yuuri 💕

WOW He’s so cute MY HEART 😍😍😍 Did you manage to pack around him then? 😂

 

To: Yuuri 💕

No worries - you can always phone tomorrow or when you get home if you can’t phone tonight :)

————————————————————————

“After dinner, what do we say, Mika?” Mika glanced up at him, lashes fluttering as he looked up in confusion, head tilted to the side and his finger touching the corner of his lip. Oh god he was a splitting image of Victor and Yuuri almost  _ died _ . He couldn’t miss an opportunity to take that photo. “Identical to your father, you are.” He laughed, kissing Mika’s forehead. “We say  _ gochisousama deshita.”  _

 

_ “Chiso’ma shita!” _ Mika cooed, the corners of Yuuri’s lips pulling up into a smile. 

 

“My perfect boy.” He crooned, brushing the tip of his nose against Mika’s. “Did you thank  _ oba-san  _ for dinner?” Yuuri smiled fondly as Hiroko came in from the kitchen. 

 

“ _ Gato, oba-san!”  _ Mika giggled as Hiroko pressed a big kiss to his forehead. 

 

“You’ll let us know when you get home, won’t you?” Hiroko asked, her voice laced with concern. 

 

“Of course.” Yuuri smiled reassuringly. “We’ll be safe.” Hiroko looked at him softly, sighing in content as she squeezed his arm gently. 

 

“Look at my little boy, now grown up and moved out, and with a little boy of his own, too.” She sighed nostalgically. Yuuri chuckled. 

 

“I’m not a baby anymore, mom.” He smiled tenderly, but again, she sighed. 

 

“Of course you are.” She protested. “You’ll always be my little boy.” Yuuri couldn’t help the bright smile that crossed his face, fond eyes staring back at his mother.

 

If Yuuri could be even half the mother Hiroko was, he’d be happy. 

 

Yuuri and Mika spent a little while longer in the company of their family and some customers before bidding everyone goodnight. Mika was currently rested against Yuuri’s chest, cuddling tightly up to him as Yuuri stood up from the floor, Mika in one arm, his toy in the other, and carried him up to bed. 

 

Yuuri laid himself down on the bed, Mika against his chest, and he picked up his phone. 

————————————————————————

Victor had just finished walking Makkachin. He had stepped through the door no more than thirty seconds before his phone began to ring. 

 

_ Incoming Call  _

Yuuri 💕

 

Victor smiled fondly, and picked up the phone. 

 

“Hey, you. Managed to get a minute to yourself, I take it?” Victor chuckled as Yuuri sighed contently. 

 

_ “Hey yourself. _ ” Yuuri chided.  _ “Yeah, I did. Figured I’d give you a call before we head home tomorrow.”  _

 

_ “ _ Is Mika asleep?” Yuuri gave some sort of hum in confirmation. “Give him a kiss for me?” 

 

“ _ Of course.”  _ Victor could heat the soft  _ chu _ as Yuuri kissed Mika, Victor’s heart swing over in adoration. “ _ Done _ .” 

 

“Thanks.” Victor chuckled softly. “I’ll be able to give him a real kiss soon.” He sighed. “How are you feeling?” 

 

“ _ Better now that I’ve heard your voice _ .” Yuuri said shyly, a fond smile covering his face. 

 

“I’m glad I have that effect on you.” Victor laughed softly, sitting himself down on the sofa. “Do you wanna talk about what happened with Mari?” Yuuri let out a shaky 

 

“ _ Not really… I’d rather talk about it in person than over the phone.”  _ Victor could understand that - it was easier for Yuuri to gauge a reaction in person. Victor could already have a good guess on what it was about. 

 

“That’s fine too.” 

 

They were silent for a few moments on the phone - Victor could hear Yuuri’s breathing, relaxed and comfortable, as well as the faintest, tiniest grumbles from their son. He was going to comment on it, but he was much more content with just hearing them. 

 

“Shall I let you go?” Victor asked after a minute or so. 

 

“ _ Mmm… I kinda like this.”  _ Yuuri said quietly, pulling a fond chuckle from Victor. “ _ But yeah, I’ll let you go. I still have some last minute things to sort out.”  _

 

“Have a safe flight, tomorrow, Yuuri.” 

 

“ _ I will. I’ll facetime you before we board so you can see Mika.”  _ Yuuri promised. 

 

“I’ll look forward to it. Bye, Yuuri.” Victor hesitated for a second. “I love you.” Victor heard Yuuri’s breath hitch ever so slightly before a quiet response came. 

 

_ “Bye, Victor.”  _ Even though Victor knew Yuuri wasn’t ready to return those three words, he couldn’t help the sting in his chest and the sharp feeling in his heart when Yuuri ended the call. Victor loved Yuuri, and Yuuri knows it. Victor just had to remind him of that until he could say it back. 

_ ———————————————————————— _

“We’ll be okay, Mom, promise.” Yuuri reassured as he stood by the door, Mika in his carrier in one arm and suitcase in his hand. 

 

“You’re sure? You’ll phone when you get back?” 

 

“Of course, mom.” Yuuri promised. “We have to leave, now.” He said as Hiroko fussed with her grandson, giving him a kiss on the head. 

 

“Tell dad and Mari we said goodbye.” Yuuri said, giving his mother one more hug. “We’ll be back again soon.” Yuuri promised as he picked up Mika’s bag from the floor and swung it onto his free shoulder. “We love you.” Arms full of baby and bags, Yuuri headed out of the door. “Come on, baby.” He cooed to Mika. “Let’s get you home.” 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:   
> Mika and Yuuri arrive home   
> Mika has his first speech therapy session   
> Victor prepares to leave for Switzerland


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri takes Mika to his first speech therapy session!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason I've had SO MUCH TROUBLE embedding images recently it JUST WON'T WORK. So if anyone has any tips, please shoot them my way ;A;  
> Scroll to the end notes for some cute art!

_ “Hi, baby.”   _ Victor cooed to Mika as his face filled Yuuri’s iPad screen.  _ “Hey, Yuuri. On the way home?”  _ He asked, to which Yuuri nodded. 

 

“Yeah. I thought you’d want to see Mika while we’re waiting and obviously, he’s very excited to see you too.” Yuuri commented with a chuckle, glancing over at Mika who all but had his face buried in the screen of Yuuri’s iPad. “Say hi to daddy, baby?” Yuuri crooned, gently pulling Mika back into his lap again. 

 

“Hi, Adda!” Mika smiled widely, front teeth peeking out ever so slightly. 

 

 _“How are you, my darling? Did you miss daddy? I miss you.”_ Victor asked, shifting to rest his cheek on his hand, propping himself up on his elbow. “ _Ya ochen po tebe skuchayu.”_ Victor sighed.

 

“Daddy said  _ ya ochen po tebe skuchayu,  _ baby. So you say  _ ya tozhe”  _ Mika looked up at Yuuri, eyes wide in confusion as he cocked his head to the side. “ _ Ya tozhe.”  _ He repeated. 

 

“ _ Ya tozhe…”  _ Mika repeated after a few  moments. Victor chuckled, praising his Russian. 

 

“ _ Have you been good, solnyshko?”  _ Victor asked fondly. 

 

“ _ Da _ …” Mika mumbled in confirmation with a nod of his head. Yuuri suddenly laughed, causing Victor to question it. 

 

“ _ What? What happened? _ ” Victor curiously asked. 

 

“He's poking your forehead on the screen.” Yuuri explained with a chuckle, pulling a snort from Victor. 

 

“ _ Of course _ .” Victor chided. “ _ Like mother, like son. Always bullying me. _ ” He pouted, pulling a fond laugh from Yuuri. 

 

“You know yesterday, he did something that was so like you.” Yuuri started. “He did that thing you do where you tilt your head and poke the corner of your lip.” He chuckled, gently running his fingers through Mika’s hair. 

 

“ _ Awwww! See, fifty percent Nikiforov and proud, aren’t you darling? _ ” He cooed to Mika, who babbled in agreement. “ _ Did you get a photo? _ ” He asked, and Yuuri nodded. 

 

“I did.” Yuuri pulled out his phone. “Let me send it now.” 

 

To: Victor 🥰

_ [New Image]  _

After dinner yesterday!!! 

 

Yuuri watched as Victor’s phone chimed and he picked it up, sliding it open. A wide, bright smile crossed his face. 

 

“ _ I wonder how many more of daddy’s traits you’re going to pick up.” _ Victor chuckled, putting his phone away after saving the photo. 

 

“Well, you’ll see next week, won’t you?” Yuuri chided, and Victor hummed in agreement. 

 

_ “I can’t wait.”  _ He sighed softly. _ “I’ve missed you a lot.” _ Victor admitted, pulling a blush and a tiny smile from Yuuri. 

 

“I’ve missed you too.” Yuuri replied quietly. “Mika has his first speech therapy session tomorrow.” Yuuri said, changing the topic after a few hanging moments. 

 

“ _ Oh! Let me know how it goes?” _ Yuuri nodded.

 

“Of course. I hope it helps him develop a little faster. I’m not really sure what to expect though and it sort of makes me nervous.” Yuuri sighed softly, concern lacing his words. “I don’t like it when I don’t know what to expect.” 

 

“ _ I know.”  _ Victor said.  _ “You’ll probably get asked some questions about his speech at the moment and you’ll just have to answer them. The therapist will do the rest.”  _ Victor said reassuringly. “ _ Are they weekly?”  _

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“ _ Would you mind if I come with you to his next one?”  _ Yuuri gave him a smile. 

 

“Of course not. We’d like that, actually.” Yuuri said. “It’s quite far away though, it takes about two hours by train to get there. I just hope Mika is okay on the train.” He sighed with a bit of a huff. 

 

“ _ I’m sure he’ll be fine. Besides, he’s good on the plane, right?” _ Yuuri nodded. “ _ So I’m sure he’ll be okay on the train too.”  _

 

“Yeah. You’re right about that. He’s very well behaved anywhere. Aren’t you, baby boy?” Yuuri cooed, kissing his head. 

 

“ _ Da! _ ” Mika giggled back. 

 

“You’ve really raised him well, Yuuri.” Victor praised contently. Yuuri’s face softened, the corners of his lips turned up in a tiny smile and eyes doey. 

 

“Thanks.” Said Yuuri with a proud smile. “We have you now too. And it isn’t just me anymore.” Yuuri had hoped to encourage Victor but instead, he deflated. 

 

“But I can’t be there most of the time.” Victor mumbled, eyes now solemn as he stared longingly at Mika. 

 

“But the point is that we know your heart is, even if you aren’t physically.” Yuuri promised. “I already said that just knowing you’re here and knowing you have the heart to be here is enough for us. We understand that you can’t always be here, it’s okay.” Yuuri gave him an encouraging smile, eyes sparkling as Victor lifted his head. 

 

_ “I know but… I just feel like I’m practically useless.”  _ Victor mumbled quietly, much to Yuuri’s dismay. 

 

“You always knew it was the little things I appreciate the most.” Yuuri reminded. “Texts about your day, calls at night, video chats when you and Mika miss each other.” Yuuri listed. “You know it will always be the little things we appreciate the most.”  Victor looked up at him, a tiny smile crossing his face. 

 

“ _ I just hope one day I can really be there for you.”  _ He smiled softly. 

 

“You already are.” Yuuri turned his head to the announcement over the tannoy and then back at Victor. “That’s our cue.” Yuuri sighed softly. “We’ll text when we get home.” Yuuri said. “Say bye bye to daddy, Mika.” 

 

“A-bai, Adda!” Mika brightly smiled with the wave of his hand. 

 

“ _ Bye bye, baby boy. Daddy loves you.”  _ Victor smiled sadly, blowing him an affectionate kiss. 

 

“Ah-foo too, Adda.” Mika said quietly before yawning. 

 

“ _ Bye, Yuuri. I love you.” _ Victor gave him one last smile.

 

“Bye, Victor.” Yuuri cut the call and quickly packed away his iPad. “Come on baby, lets go.” He strapped Mika back into his carrier and picked him up. Baby in one arm and suitcase in the other, Yuuri headed to the queue, boarding passes in hand. 

————————————————————————

Yuuri was right - Victor knew he always appreciated smaller gestures over grand, material gifts. Yuuri adored the little things, like having tea made for him, breakfast in bed, forehead kisses, those tiny acts of love that Victor would do for Yuuri is what sent Yuuri’s heart tumbling for Victor, anyway. 

 

So when Yuuri reminded Victor that he wasn’t useless, and that Yuuri did think Victor was there for them, he knew it was genuine. Victor supposed that he shouldn’t feel bad. But he did. He felt god awful because he could never rectify the pain he caused Yuuri. He just felt like he wasn’t doing nearly enough for them. 

 

Towards the end of their marriage Victor would still make Yuuri tea. He’d still bring him breakfast and kiss his head and rub his feet. Victor would make sure to run him baths and massage his shoulders but Yuuri just didn’t seem to appreciate it. Victor eventually stopped. And it’s only now that Victor realised that Yuuri appreciated those gestures so much more than he could have expressed. Not only that, he needed them then more than ever. The sudden realisation did nothing to soothe the horrible pit of nerves and guilt and anxiousness in his stomach. 

 

But honestly, the fact that Yuuri had found it in him to forgive Victor and let him back in was more than Victor ever, ever could have asked for. Victor would never be able to understand how Yuuri could be so forgiving and kind hearted to him still. 

 

Victor glanced over at his closet. He knew that somewhere, sat right at the back, buried under clothes and boxes, was a tiny jewellery box. It held three things. Yuuri’s old house key, their engagement rings, and their wedding rings. Amongst all of the photos and mémoires of their relationship he had gotten rid of, Victor hadn’t even dared to touch these. 

 

He had moved on. He had accepted that Yuuri might never want him again. But it didn’t mean that it didn’t still get him  _ just so.  _ In fact, Victor never even intended to look at them again, but when they began to reconcile it felt like old wounds were being torn open. Hesitantly, Victor slid off the bed and rooted through his closet, pulling out a navy blue jewellery box. Shaking hands opened the lid, and there sat three items Victor couldn’t bare to let go of. 

 

Victor didn’t really know what to do with the rings and the house key. He didn’t want to sell the rings - they were personal to  _ them _ , they declared Victor’s love for Yuuri. The wedding band was gold, engraved with half a snowflake that matched Victor’s ring. There was no way Victor wanted to sell them. The engagement ring was silver, complete with one flawless diamond, and the word  _ “always _ ” engraved on the inside. 

 

Then, Victor picked up the house key. It had a single keychain - their wedding photo. Their first kiss as spouses, Makkachin at their feet, in complementary white suits. Victor’s thumb swiped over the glass of the keychain. His nail slid between the loops of the keychain and pulled the charm off the key. He held the tiny frame in his hand. Victor smiled nostalgically, and replaced the keychain, along with the key, and their rings back into the jewellery box and closed it. Maybe one day, he’d be able to let them go, by today wasn’t that day. 

————————————————————————

_ “Bye Yuuri. I love you.” _

 

Twice now, Victor has told Yuuri he loves him over the phone and genuinely meant it. It wasn’t an  _ I love you _ as in “ _ I love you both _ ,” or said in a manner of friendship. It was the kind of  _ I love you _ that Victor told him on their wedding day. The kind that made Yuuri’s heart skip and his face red and his eyes tear up. The kind that Yuuri also knew said  _ “and I’ll always love only you,”.  _

 

Victor had never not loved Yuuri. He knew that now. But after thinking for so long that Victor didn’t love him, or fell out of love with him, and accepted it too, being told by Victor that he never did not love Yuuri was more than his heart could take. It always broke Yuuri’s heart to think Victor didn’t want him, didn’t value him as a spouse, didn’t think he was good enough. Even now, a month after Victor debunked every single one of Yuuri’s doubts, each time he thought about them it still stung like a  _ bitch _ . 

 

Every time Victor told him  _ “I love you,”  _ Yuuri itched to say it back and mean it. But telling Victor that he loves him would do nothing but put them on the same path that broke up their marriage in the first place. Victor truly does love Yuuri. He knew that. And Yuuri loves him too. But there will always be this doubt, this fear eating away at Yuuri’s stomach that told him something bad will happen as soon as they try to move forwards, and he’d lose everything  _ again _ . 

 

Yuuri was  _ afraid  _ of starting a new relationship, especially with Victor again. Victor had said before that he wanted to try and make another relationship with Yuuri work, and Yuuri did too. But he was terrified. In fact,  _ terrified _ didn’t even cut it. Their marriage had ended in nothing but bitter feelings and hurt and heartache and trauma that Yuuri would never be strong enough to relive it, especially not now they had Mika too. On his own, it was okay that he wanted to do nothing but cry. It was okay that he didn’t want to get out of bed or do anything. It was okay that he never spoke to anyone. But if that ever happened again, he would have to consider Mika’s needs more so than his own. As much as he hated to admit it, Yuuri just wasn’t that strong. 

 

He sighed heavily, Mika asleep against his shoulder. His relationship with Victor was… complicated. It was long distance co-parenting, mutual romantic feelings, tossed together with a fear of starting something new together. But despite whatever long and unsavoury label their relationship had, Yuuri still thought what they had now was so much stronger, so much more important than their marriage was. 

 

There was nothing Yuuri yearned for more than to have what he had with Victor before. He wanted to fall asleep in Victor’s arms, bathe together and cook together, smile together and laugh together. But this time, with the addition of their little boy. But Yuuri knew they couldn’t have that. It was a dream far out of his grasp. 

 

Yuuri wondered if he could ever say  _ I love you  _ to Victor again. 

————————————————————————

“Come on, baby. Let’s get you dressed.” Yuuri cooed, pulling a pink jumper over Mika’s head and a pair of sweatpants over his chubby legs. “We have a busy day today.” He said as he tucked Mika’s tiny feet into shoes. “Shall we see how many steps you can take?” Yuuri crooned as he got off the bed and planted Mika’s feet firmly on the floor. His hands gently grasped Mika’s hands, holding him up.

 

[ Mika grumbled and Yuuri could see the concentration on his face as he lifted one foot in front of the other.  ](https://www.instagram.com/p/BwvAm5xpfxC/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link)

 

“Good boy, shall we see if you can make four steps together?” Yuuri encouraged as Mika tentatively took another step. “Two, come on, we can make two more, can’t we?” And Mika did. His little legs managed to take three more hesitant steps before falling to his hands and knees, and Yuuri was beaming with pride. “Good boy!” He praised. “Wait until daddy hears about that.” He chuckled fondly, picking Mika up to kiss him on the head. “But for now, let’s head out.” 

 

Mika fell asleep on the train to Geneva, his tiny hand holding on to Yuuri’s forefinger as he snores away. Yuuri, heart swollen over with adoration, snapped a picture to send to Victor. 

 

To: Victor 🥰

_ [New Image]  _

On the way to his first speech therapy session! It’s a long train ride 😪 also, he managed a few more steps today! Still holding on, but progress is progress. Slowly but surely 😍😍

 

Mika did not wake up again until they had almost arrived, two stops away from Geneva. 

 

“Nice nap, baby?” Yuuri crooned, yet Mika grumbled, giving a tiny yawn as he squeezed Yuuri’s finger. “We’ll be there soon.” Yuuri promised, releasing Mika’s hand to gently stroke his hair. Yuuri’s hand moved down to his cheek, Mika nuzzling into the palm of his hand with a yawn. 

 

“Still tired, darling?” 

 

“ _ Da…”  _ Mika groaned, his eyes almost slipping shut again.

 

“Well, we only have to be awake this early once a week.” Reminded Yuuri. “You can sleep in after today.” He chuckled fondly. 

 

It didn’t take them much longer to arrive in Geneva. It was a short walk from the train station to the therapy centre, but the closer they got the more anxious and worried Yuuri became. He let out a shaky sigh, trying to calm his nerves down.  _ “It’ll be okay, Yuuri.”  _ He told himself when he pushed open the door to the centre and went to the front desk. 

 

“Hi, I have an appointment for Mikaela Katsuki-Nikiforov at nine-thirty a.m?”  Yuuri waited patiently as the receptionist tapped away at her keyboard. 

 

“Just checked you in. Dr. Laval will be with you shortly.” She passed him a check-in ticket, which Yuuri took gratefully before taking a seat in the waiting room. 

 

To: Victor 🥰

Arrived and waiting now 😩😖😰

 

Yuuri’s leg trembled nervously as he stared at the clock, watching the minutes tick by. He startled, when he heard Mika’s name. Yuuri stood up, following who he assumed was Dr. Laval. She was smartly dressed, hair worn down and glasses sat on her face. When they entered the room, she gestured for him to take a seat. 

 

“Dr. Laval, nice to meet you.” She held out her hand, a friendly smile across her face and Yuuri relaxed a little. He took her hand in a shake. 

 

“I’m Yuuri, and this is Mika.” He gestured to the toddler in the carrier, whom he unstrapped and sat down on the chair next to him. 

 

“Hello, Mika.” She cooed with another friendly smile before turning back to Yuuri. “I assume this is your first speech therapy session?” Yuuri nodded in confirmation. “So just so you’ll know what to expect, I’ll ask you some questions about Mika, we’ll have a look at his speech skills, and sort of gauge how fast he learns.” Yuuri nodded again. 

 

“Okay.” He glanced over at Mika, who was squeezing at his little elephant in the seat next to him before glancing back at he therapist. 

 

“So first of all, how old is he?” She asked, pulling out a notebook. 

 

“He’s nineteen months old.” 

 

“When did he first start to speak?” Yuuri had a think… maybe… September just gone? But Yuuri supposed that was just one word -  _ amma,  _ and he wasn’t sure if that really counted. 

 

“At around September he picked up the word “ _ mama”, _ but he didn’t really say much more than that until quite recently, maybe over the last month or two.” Yuuri said. “After “ _ mama” _ , it took him a long time to pick up other words but now I find he picks them up quite quickly.” She nodded. 

 

“Has there ever been any sort of speech and language or learning disorders amongst other members of his family? From his other parent, or your family for example?” Yuuri had a think. Victor never really spoke a lot about his family, and Yuuri never really thought enough about it to ask his mother. But by the looks of it, no. 

 

“I don’t think so.” He said. “My husb—“ Yuuri prickled, hesitating for a moment. “Mika’s father never mentioned anything like that in his family and I don’t believe my family have either.” Yuuri swallowed, taking another deep breath to calm himself down. 

 

“And did you have any complications or problems during pregnancy?” Yuuri swallows heavily. The entire pregnancy was complicated. He nodded. 

 

“I spent a month of it in a coma.” Well, he supposed it was better than telling her he walked out in front of a car to kill himself only to find out he was pregnant. She’s probably refer him to a therapist himself— whom he was already seeing— just not for speech. 

 

“Oh. I’m sorry about that.” She said apologetically. “Do you mind me asking how that happened?” Yuuri sighed. He supposed he could skip over details about his mental weakness. 

 

“Umm. I was hit by a car. I didn’t know I was pregnant until… well… I woke up.” Vivid images flashed up behind his eyes - the colour of the car, the sound of the car horn, then white, white, white, and a steady beating of a heart monitor. He could still feel the thud of the bonnet against his side, he could still remember rolling over the car. Yuuri hated even thinking about this story.

 

“Yuuri? Yuuri? Are you alright?” Yuuri’s head jerked up, startling as he pulled his head away from those memories. 

 

“Y-yes, yes, I’m okay. Carry on.” He mumbled. 

 

“I’m sorry to have touched on something so sensitive. It’s just that it’s important information.” She explained, but Yuuri smiled and shook his head. 

 

“No, no, it’s okay. I understand that.” She nodded, before continuing. 

 

“How many languages do you speak to him and how often?” She asked, scribbling down the last of her notes from the last question. 

 

“Mainly English, but a lot of the time I also speak Japanese to him, and some Russian too. It normally depends where we are.” Yuuri explained, watching as she raised her eyebrows a little. 

 

“Which language does he tend to pick up faster? I assume it’s English?” But Yuuri didn’t nod, nor did he shake his head to confirm or deny. It was more of a hesitant or dubious sort of confirmation but not quite. 

 

“He actually manages to speak more Russian, but seems to understand instructions in Japanese better. He’ll use English when he wants to ask for things.” Yuuri said, smiling proudly at their son, who was still entertaining himself.

 

“It seems he can clearly distinguish between all three languages.” She said after a few moments. “Since he picks and chooses which language works better for him to ask for things, understand instructions, I think he knows they’re different language.” Yuuri stared intently at her, hands squeezed together in his lap. “Hopefully by developing English, it will help him develop more confidence in the other two languages. I mean, he might not be picking them up so fast simply because he’s processing three languages. But we can still help him along the way.” Yuuri let out a sigh of relief and nodded. 

 

“Of course, do keep in mind that normally it’s older children, around four or five who come in for speech therapy, but considering Mika is trying to pick up three languages, I think it only makes sense to make that easier for him.” From one of the drawers in the desk, she pulled out a children’s story book. “Do you read to him often?” 

 

“I used to read to him a lot, but as days got more busy, it slipped out of our routine a little.” Yuuri said. 

 

“If you can, try to read to him at some point in the day, point to the words and help him along, but we’ll touch on that in a moment.” She said, pulling out a set of alphabet blocks and a set of laminated cards. “For now, lets see how he fairs with these. Mika?” Mika’s head peeked up. 

 

“Baby,  _ kimi no zou ga mawashite kudasai.”  _ Yuuri said, gesturing to the elephant and holding out his hand. Mika nodded, passing the elephant to Yuuri to put away. 

 

”I’m just going to read out some words and he’ll just have to copy them.” Mika stared curiously at the cards in her hand. Dr. Laval turned her attention to Mika, who now had her attention. “Lion.” She said, pointing to the image of a lion on the card. 

 

“Lion.” Mika copied, though it took him a little while and it was a little less crisp than Dr. Laval had. She smiled, putting the card aside. 

 

“Monkey.” Mika didn’t say anything this time, instead, he stared at it, confused. “Monkey.” She repeated, but still, Mika stayed quiet, still trying to understand the words. 

 

“Go on darling, you’ve got it.” Yuuri said encouragingly, squeezing his hand. 

 

“Monkey.” He said finally, though a little less confident than the first one.

 

“Tiger.” Once again, Mika looked at her blankly. “Tiger.” 

 

“Tiger.” Mika repeated once more. 

 

“Turtle.” And again, it seemed as though Mika was filing away the word “ _ turtle”  _ in his mental filing cabinet for English words, as he took his time to comprehend. 

 

“Turtle.” 

 

This continued until there were no more cards, and Dr. Laval quickly scribbled down in her notebook before turning her attention to Yuuri. 

 

“You mentioned you used to read quite a lot with him?” Yuuri nodded. “Did you just read, or did you make him copy you too?” 

 

“I just read to him. Should I have made him repeat what I said too?” Yuuri asked nervously. 

 

“Well not really at his age, it doesn’t matter so much if you don’t encourage him to repeat what you’ve read. But next time, try and make him repeat what you’ve read, and correct him as you go along.” Yuuri nodded. “Since he is only nineteen months, it’s quite normal for him not to be able to read and repeat longer phrases though, so maybe just pick out words for him to repeat and see if he remembers them. Have you got any questions?” Yuuri thought for a moment. 

 

“Other than reading to him and testing how well he’s remembered words, is there anyway I can help him?” He asked hesitantly, squeezing Mika’s hand. 

 

“Yes. Try to encourage him to speak more. For example, if someone asks him a question, don’t answer for him, but help him answer himself. Or if he wants something, a toy or a food item, teach him the word for it first, and then the next time he asks, see if he remembers it. It’s all about trying to get him to use his language skills more.” She suggested. 

 

“I do a little of that, like teaching him the words for what he wants, and he tends to remember them quite well. But he just doesn’t tend to ask for a lot or need a lot.” Yuuri chuckled. 

 

“Ahh. The most common phrase from children Mika’s age is normally ‘ _ I want this’ _ or ‘ _ I want that’ _ .” She chided. “It’s good that he isn’t fussy, but try and feed his curiosity about things.” She said. “For example if it snows or rains, if something is different about the day or you see something interesting, point it out. The chances are he’ll ask  _ what  _ something is or  _ why  _ it’s like that. You’ll see - soon he’ll be asking  _ why this, why that, why why why why why.” _ She chided in amusement, and Yuuri laughed. 

 

“But anyway, it seems he has no problem with the way he actually speaks.” She said. “He takes quite a bit longer than most toddlers his age do to understand the words and then repeat them, but then again, I suppose most kids don’t speak three languages at nineteen months.” She chuckled. “At first I thought maybe your pregnancy complication might have affected his speech but actually, it hasn’t.” Yuuri sighed in relief at that. “He is a little slower to process vocabulary, but once he’s managed to understand it, he can repeat it without stutters or missing letters or much mispronunciation. Next week, we’ll test how well he’s remembered these animals and if he can recall them faster, and we’ll take a look at some books too.” Yuuri nodded and stood up, strapping Mika back into his carrier. 

 

“Thank you so much.” He smiled fondly, picking Mika up. Dr. Laval stood up and opened the door for him. 

 

“No problem. I’ve put you down for the same time next week.” She said as she stood at the door. 

 

“Thank you, see you next week.” 

 

Yuuri took Mika for a late breakfast-slash-early lunch at a small cafe somewhere in central Geneva. He sat down, Mika next to him, and took a moment to relax before ordering. He checked his phone to see two texts from Victor. 

 

From: Victor 🥰

Awwww!!! He’s so cute 😍😍😍 my perfect little boy! 

 

From: Victor 🥰

Sorry for the late reply, Yurio demanded extra coaching since I’m away for two weeks. How did it go? Was it all okay? 

 

Yuuri smiled softly. 

 

To: Victor 🥰

It’s all okay. She said the reason he’s quite slow is probably because he’s learning three languages at once and trying to distinguish between them. It’s nice to know we can relax about it! You’ll be here for the next session 😁😁😁 about to grab lunch, so I’ll text back later. 

 

“What do you want for lunch, baby? Daddy said you’re pretty fond of lasagne.” Yuuri chuckled as his eyes skimmed the menu. “I’ll order us a lasagne to share.” 

 

It didn’t take long for lasagne and a side of salad to arrive, along with a cup of orange juice and a mug of hot chocolate. Yuuri picked up a tiny piece of lasagne on Mika’s spoon and blew it until it was cool enough to eat, testing it every few blows with his tongue. 

 

“Ahh,” Yuuri cooed, encouraging Mika to open his mouth. Recently, he’d let Mika feed himself with things like yoghurts or desserts, but Mika would likely burn his lip if Yuuri didn’t feed him. Mika took the spoon, bits of beef ragu falling down his lip, which Yuuri scooped back up. He scooped up another spoon for Mika, cooling it down again. 

 

“Here you go,” He cooed with a soft smile as Mika opened his mouth and enveloped the piece of lasagne. “Nice, isn’t it?” Yuuri chuckled, taking a bite for himself and stabbing at the salad leaves on the side. “We’ll get to have lunch with daddy, next weekend.” Yuuri reminded. “Are you excited to see daddy?” 

 

“Yeah!” Mika’s beamed, hands clapping together as he thought about his father. 

 

“We’ll phone daddy later, yes?” 

 

“ _ Da.”  _ Mika nodded, pulling a soft laugh from Yuuri as he picked up another spoonful for Mika. “Here, ahh.” Yuuri fed Mika another bite before feeding himself again. 

 

“Amma… ahh…” Mika grumbled, pointing at the glass of juice in front of him, his hand trying to grasp it. Yuuri chuckled, picking it up. 

 

“Do you want some juice?” Mika nodded. “What do we say?” Yuuri encouraged, holding the glass. 

 

“Juice, please…” Yuuri smiled, holding the straw to his lips for him to drink. 

 

“Good boy.” He praised as Mika released the straw. “What do we say now?” 

 

“ _ Spasibo,  _ Amma.” Mika’s smile was soft as he stared at his mother. 

 

“Good boy.” 

————————————————————————

Victor had finally finished packing his luggage. He had three suitcases— two of which were full to the top with gifts for Mika and Yuuri and the other suitcase which housed blouses and pairs of jeans, comfortable sweatpants and t-shirts, and a few pairs of shoes. 

 

Victor was brimming with excitement as he stacked his suitcases by the front door, coat and scarf on top of them. His last task now was to take Makkachin to Mila’s place, who charged him more than Yurio has ever paid him to coach. But, Victor didn’t mind. He knew how spoilt Makkachin was by Mila and how much she loved her. 

 

So here Victor was, climbing into the car with Makkachin and her things, on the way to Mila’s apartment. 

 

“You’re going to be with aunt Mila for two weeks, are you going to miss me?” Victor cooed, but Makkachin ignored him in favour of taking a quick nap. “Daddy’s going to miss you.” Victor pouted, glancing up at the rear view mirror but still, Makkachin continued to snooze away in the back seat. 

 

When they arrived at Mila’s place, Victor got out of the car, hauling a huge bag of Makkachin’s things from the boot of the car and slinging it over his shoulder. 

 

“Come on.” He cooed to Makkachin as he unstrapped her seatbelt and she hopped out of the car. Mila opened the door, ready to greet them. 

 

“Hey.” She greeted, taking the bag of Makkachin’s things off Victor and setting them aside. Victor knelt down to Makkachin, squeezing her cheeks and ruffling her ears. 

 

“I’ll be back in two weeks time, I promise.” Victor pouted, kissing her head. “I’ll be home soon, you’ll see.” He cooed, giving her a hug. 

 

“Where are you headed?” Mila asked. 

 

“Uhh… Switzerland.” Victor answered quietly. 

 

“Chris?” Victor thought about nodding, but shook his head. 

 

“No…” He said hesitantly, staring at the floor. “Yuuri and Mika.”  _ She’s so going to judge me…  _

 

“Oh.” Mila said, eyebrows raised in surprise. “Umm… How is Yuuri? You know… after…” Their divorce was just one of those things that went undiscussed - no one asked, no one spoke about it. 

 

“He’s okay.” Victor said. “They’re okay.” He smiled, though it was a smile that hid anguish and guilt. “We recently started talking and it’s been nice. So I thought it would be nice to spend some time with them.” Victor admitted quietly, still fussing Makkachin’s head. 

 

“Good, I’m glad.” Mila sighed gently. “Tell him we miss him over here, and we’d love to meet Mika.”

 

“I’ll let him know.” Victor said, standing up. “So… I’ll see you in two weeks? I’ll pay you when I get back.” 

 

“See you then. And Victor?” 

 

“Yes?” 

 

“Do you still love him?” Mila asked, touching what she thought might have been a sore spot. 

 

“How could I ever stop?” Victor gave her a smile, one that was giddy and goofy and full of adoration, yet overcome with sadness and regret. 

 

“Good luck.” She said as Makkachin made herself comfortable on Mila’s oak floorboards. 

 

“See you in two weeks.” Victor waved once more at Makkachin before heading back to his car. 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

Guess who’s packed! See you both in twenty nine hours 😉😘

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @psipisi also drew some really cute for last chapter, which can be found [here!](https://www.instagram.com/p/BwmMpUjpEMF/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link)
> 
>  
> 
> [ and more here!](https://www.instagram.com/p/Bwes0EfptJ4/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=5kgs5ezbkcka)


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor finally arrives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make sure not to miss the link to art by @psipisi that’s embedded!

From: Victor 🥰

Guess who’s packed! See you both in twenty nine hours 😉😘

 

Yuuri smiled softly at the text, glancing at Mika and then back at his phone. Mika was going to be so happy to see Victor.

 

To: Victor 🥰

See you soon. We’re waiting ^^

 

Yuuri had everything prepared - the sofa bed in the front room now was pulled out and had blankets and pillows, the floors were cleaned and dusted, and Mika’s crib had been moved to the front room so Victor could be with him.

 

Yuuri was looking forward to seeing Victor again. Admittedly, it could get lonely without him. Especially now that they were in Switzerland, they had no family or friends to keep them company, the two only had each other.

————————————————————————

Yuuri was nervous. He took a deep, shaky breath as they waited in the _Arrivals_ department, Mika against his shoulder, arms around Yuuri’s neck and eager to see his father. Mika yawned, tucking his face into Yuuri’s neck and he closed his eyes. Yuuri ran a soothing hand down Mika’s back. Yuuri swallowed, brows furrowed as he tried to keep himself together, nerves alight as he anxiously stared at the arrival notice boards.

 

Then, Yuuri saw on the board “ _1809: St. Petersburg LED”._

 

“Look baby,” Yuuri pointed to the board and Mika lifted his head.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Daddy will be here soon.” Yuuri could see any kind of fatigue instantly dissipate as his face lit up.

 

“Addy!” Mika squeaked.

 

“Yes.” Yuuri chuckled. “He’ll be here soon.” Yuuri kept a look out for Victor, eyes scanning the airport arrivals as he held his breath. Then, out of the corner of his eye, Yuuri spotted a head of silver hair that he would always recognise. With a soft smile and a gentle sigh of relief, Yuuri picked up Mika’s carrier, baby bag sat inside. “Come on, baby.” He cooed. “Let’s go and greet daddy.” Yuuri stood up, his face softening as his gaze caught Victor’s. He watched as that million dollar smile set alight, and Victor picked up his pace.

 

“Addy!” Mika giggled as he looked around the airport for Victor, head turning left and right to find his father. And the bright smile, the way Mika’s face glowed, tiny teeth peeking out as he smiled when he spotted Victor melted Yuuri’s heart. “Addy!” [Mika reached for Victor, almost trying to escape Yuuri’s arms](https://www.instagram.com/p/BxAixSEJdYB/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=4ildkkt1llsf), and Yuuri had to hold on tighter to stop him from falling.

 

“Hold on, baby.” Yuuri laughed fondly as Victor’s pace picked up a little.

 

“Hi, baby.” Victor cooed softly. “Did you miss me?” Victor took Mika off Yuuri’s arms, smothering his face in kisses. “Yuuri.” He smiled softly, opening his free arm to embrace Yuuri. At first, Yuuri was hesitant. But with a fond face, Yuuri let himself be enveloped in Victor’s embrace.

 

“Hi, Victor.” Yuuri sighed, Victor’s scent of cinnamon and clementines filling his nose.

 

“Addy…” Mika cuddled his face into Victor’s neck. “Miss you…” Victor turned his head, nose just brushing Mika’s forehead.

 

“I missed you too, my darling.” Victor cooed as Mika’s fingers dug into Victor’s shoulders. “I missed you so much.” He sighed, kissing Mika’s head. “How are you, my Yuuri? Have you been alright?” Victor asked as Yuuri pulled away slightly, Victor’s arm still around his waist.

 

_My Yuuri._

 

“I’ve been alright.” He smiled gently. “Other than not having given much thought to next season yet.” He chuckled softly, and the way Yuuri laughed made Victor’s heart swell. “How have you been?”

 

“Excited to see you.” Not “ _excited to see you guys,”_ or “ _excited to see Mika_ ,”. Yuuri wondered if Victor meant he was excited to see _him._

 

“We’ve been excited to see you too.” Yuuri laughed softly. He pulled away and picked up Mika’s carrier, passing it to Victor before picking up his suitcase. “Did you eat on the plane? Are you hungry?” Yuuri asked as they left the airport.

 

“They only gave out a packet of chocolate coated blueberries and some biscuits.” Victor huffed. “I suppose the flight time wasn’t long enough to give us a proper meal.” He joked.

 

“Well… we could…” _Go on a dinner date. Have a family meal. Spend some time together._ “We could go for dinner while we’re in Geneva. Nothing will be open by the time we get back to Champery.” Victor hummed. “We’ve never eaten out in Geneva.”

 

“Then let me treat you to dinner.” Victor said as they climbed into the taxi. “Geneva central, please.”

 

“What?” Yuuri exclaimed. “Victor, no, you’re here for a holiday. Let me—“

 

“Yuuri, please let me treat you to dinner.” Victor’s voice was almost pleading as he looked at Yuuri with big eyes. Yuuri reluctantly sighed. “Please, let me do something.” Victor’s brow creased as he stared longingly at Yuuri.

 

“Okay.” Yuuri sighed, smiling softly. “But nothing fancy and expensive!” Victor chuckled.

 

“I know, I know.” He snorted. “Nothing too fancy. We’ll pick something cosy. I know you like dates to be more casual.” Victor chided.

 

“Is that what this is?” Yuuri asked quietly, uncertainty weaving through his voice. “A date.” His face was red, heart thumping as he stared at his lap.

 

“It can be whatever you want it to be.” Victor said reassuringly, reaching over Mika to squeeze Yuuri’s hand. “It can be a date, it can be just dinner, it can be dinner as a family, whatever you want.” Yuuri let out a breath of relief, his face softening as he gave a reassuring smile to Victor.

 

“Then… I think dinner as a family perfectly describes it.”

————————————————————————

“Table for three?” Victor asked, holding up three fingers. “Also, is there anywhere I can store my suitcases for the time being?”

 

“Yes, of course. There’s a storage room just next to the toilets, you can put them there.” Victor sighed in relief. “Is a table by the window okay?”

 

“That’ll be perfect.”

 

Yuuri and Mika sat down at a table in the corner, while Victor quickly stored his luggage. The restaurant was quiet at this time of day, Yuuri noticed. Victor returned and sat down, bags now safely stored away. “Remind me to get those when we leave.” Yuuri snorted.

 

“Sure thing, you klutz.” He chuckled. A waitress came over just at that moment to take a drinks order, and Yuuri fawned over Victor’s French accent. Honestly, Yuuri was embarrassed to admit he was even slightly jealous. He sat the whole way through the order pouting, not that he (or Victor) noticed.

 

The atmosphere was quaint, a little bit dim, but still adequately lit. They had classical music over the speakers and candles on the table, which Yuuri blew out so Mika wouldn’t touch them. Victor looked around at the decor, eyes scanning the room as he caught glimpses of gold details.

 

“Wow, the decor is nice.” Victor said as Yuuri chuckled.

 

“Of course you’d notice the decor.” Yuuri chided, recalling Victor’s immaculate taste in design.

 

“Do you normally give Mika his own dish?” Victor asked.

 

“No,” Yuuri confirmed, “I normally feed him mine. So we can do that too.” Yuuri glanced over at Mika, who was looking tired already. He sighed softly. “He’s really tired.” He commented with a soft laugh. “Has it been a long day for you today, baby?” He cooed fondly.

 

“ _Da…”_ Mika yawned, and Yuuri could swear to god that Victor almost leapt across the table.

 

“Mika! Daddy is so proud of you!” Victor beamed proudly. “What else has he learnt from you?” Victor asked. “You picked up Russian pretty fast.”

 

“You’ll see.” Yuuri chided. “But I’ll tell you he also picked it up pretty quick too.” Victor smiled widely, eyes a bright cyan, identical to Mika’s.

 

“You really are like Yuuri.” Victor chuckled, leaning to kiss Mika’s temple. “Beautiful with a bright smile, smart too.” Yuuri’s cheeks pinked, a tiny smile on his face at Victor’s comments.

 

“He’s picked up some traits from you too, you’ll see.” Yuuri added, nodding thanks to the waitress when she put their dishes in front of them.

 

“I can’t wait. God, I’ve missed you both so much.” Victor said, cutting up a tiny piece of meat to feed Mika.

 

“We’ve missed you too.” Yuuri could feel his heart swell at those words. It finally felt like maybe they were becoming more comfortable with each other again. “How’s the duck?” Yuuri asked, poking at a prawn.

 

“Good. It’s well cooked, the skin is crispy, the potatoes are creamy, it’s nice. How’s the pasta?” Victor asked as he cooed to Mika, coaxing a piece of pasta in his mouth.

 

“The prawns are nicely done, and so are the mussels. It’s nice.” Yuuri replied, watching as Victor fed Mika. It was sweet, the smile on Victor’s face, the one of absolute pure joy as he watched Mika chewing away, gently scooping food up from his chin. And Mika, too, had the most precious smile, the most adorable _ahh!_ as Victor fed him a bit of carrot. They were such a cute father and son pair, Yuuri wondered if Mika looked at Yuuri the same way he did Victor.

 

Yuuri tried hard not to be jealous. But he couldn’t help but think maybe Mika loved Victor more. Even though it was Yuuri who changed his diapers, fed him, encouraged him to speak and crawl. Maybe it was because Mika hadn’t seen Victor in so long. It was definitely because Mika hadn’t seen Victor in so long. Mika was like Victor - he wasn’t the kind of person to pick favourites and he wasn’t the kind to see favouritism. But Yuuri _was._ Even if the favouritism wasn’t really there, Yuuri couldn’t help but think Mika had already picked a favourite parent.  

 

It just seemed to be a kick in the teeth because Yuuri has, and still works so hard for Mika. He couldn’t help but just feel like garbage. It was ridiculous, though. It wasn’t Mika or Victor’s fault at all. It was his stupid head fucking him over again. But he just _can’t help it._

 

“Darling, ahh.” Yuuri mumbled, with much less energy and enthusiasm as normal as he coaxed Mika’s lips open, a tiny piece of prawn and a bit of pasta on the top of his fork. Victor couldn’t help but notice that all evening, Yuuri had been unusually quiet, as if something were on his mind.

 

“Yuuri…?” No response as Yuuri stabbed at his pasta. “Yuuri?”

 

Yuuri wondered what Victor thought of him. It was okay at Worlds, they only spent a weekend together. Yuuri could hide his flaws, he could pretend to be a perfect parent even if he was far from. But now, Victor was here for two weeks and Victor would notice every imperfection about his parenting. He would notice every one of Yuuri’s flaws. Victor was just perfect at everything, and that included parenting.

 

All over Yuuri was starting to feel like the Yuuri from half a decade ago. One who lacked confidence and was shy, one who was riddled with anxiety and nerves and felt like he had to prove the world wrong, yet didn’t know how. Yuuri knew it wasn’t Victor’s fault at all, that Yuuri was feeling this shitty. He just kept trying to tell himself that _yes_ he’s doing a great job and _no_ Victor wouldn’t ever judge his flaws like that. But it wasn’t working.

 

“Yuuri?” Victor tried again, and this time Yuuri’s head shot up.

 

“H-huh?”

 

“Are you alright?” He asked, and Yuuri smiled, but Victor could tell it wasn’t entirely genuine.

 

“I’m okay.” He said quietly. “How’s the duck?” Yuuri asked. “Is it nice?”

 

“You already asked that.” Victor observed.

 

“I— Oh.” Yuuri sighed. “Sorry,” He chuckled nervously. “I guess… I guess I’m just tired.” He smiled softly before it quickly faded.

 

“Yuuri?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Yuuri said with a fond face. “I’m okay, really.”

 

“I can tell when you lie to me, Yuuri.” And Yuuri’s smile fell, as did his gaze. “Did something happen? Are you okay?”

 

“I am I am! I’m just… nervous is all.” Victor let out a fond chuckle and reached over the table to grasp his hand.

 

“It’s just me.” Victor reassured. “You don’t have to be nervous.” Victor sighed, eyes soft and caring and _oh,_ Yuuri couldn’t help but turn to jelly under those eyes.

 

“It’s because it’s you that I’m nervous.” Yuuri admitted with a quiet mumble, staring at his pasta. Victor frowned and let out a soft sigh.

 

“Why?”

 

“B-because!” Yuuri exclaimed. “I feel like I’m the Yuuri you met six years ago.” Yuuri sighed. “The one who was constantly feeling conscious, and felt like I had something to prove to you.” Yuuri grumbled, releasing an exhausted breath as he fed Mika a little bit more.

 

“You don’t have to prove anything to me.” Victor smiled with promise. “You don’t owe me anything, Yuuri.” Victor could understand how insecure Yuuri was. Everything about this was difficult for Yuuri, he knew that. If there was something that Victor had learnt, it was that a relationship wasn’t always fifty-fifty. Yuuri couldn’t always have enough energy to work with Victor. Sometimes it would be twenty-eighty and Victor would have to try a little harder for Yuuri. And he was okay with that.

 

“ _Yes!_ I do!” Yuuri expressed with a shaky sigh. “I have to prove to you that I _can_ be a good parent and I _am_ capable of raising a child because if I don’t I—“ Yuuri stopped himself abruptly, hesitating as his mouth opened to speak before closing again.

 

“What, Yuuri? Tell me.”

 

“I’m scared you’ll judge me. You won’t see me as a real parent or you won’t see me as fit to be a parent.” Yuuri whispered quietly. “It was okay at Worlds because we only spent the weekend together and I could hide all my flaws as a parent but now you’re here for two weeks and… I can’t hide that I’m not the perfect parent.” Yuuri took a deep, shaky breath.

 

“D-don’t get me wrong… I’m happy you’re here and we’re excited that you’re here but I can’t help how anxious and unsettled I feel. I just can’t help it.” Yuuri mumbled. “What if one day you decide I’m not good enough a-and you want to take him from me?” Yuuri bit his lip as tears lined his eyes, threatening to fall. To be honest, Victor was pretty hurt by what Yuuri said, that Yuuri could think that about him, but at the same time, he could for sure understand. Yuuri had never been fully confident in himself and recently, his confidence had just crashed to rock bottom. Victor had to bring it back up.

 

“Yuuri, look at me?” Yuuri’s head lifted and Victor squeezed his hand. “I already know you’re the best parent. I always knew, even when we were together I always knew you would be amazing. That hasn’t changed at all.” Victor’s soft smile calmed Yuuri’s racing heart, his nerves settling down. “That hasn’t changed at all.” Victor repeated and Yuuri nodded, his thumb running over the joint between Victor’s thumb and forefinger. “Do you think I’m that kind of person? The kind who would try to take Mika away from you?”

 

And honestly, Yuuri knew that Victor wasn’t like that. Victor was a kind, considerate person. He wasn’t selfish, he never did things out of self interest or to get back at someone. And Yuuri knew he certainly wouldn’t try and fight with him over Mika. Yuuri shook his head.

 

“See, so what’s there to be nervous about?” Victor asked rhetorically, a reassuring smile spread across his face. “We’ll finish dinner, and if you still need to get this off your chest, we’ll talk about it when we get back.” Yuuri felt the stress and anxiety settle down and he felt lighter. The corners of Yuuri’s lips turned up into a tiny smile.

 

“You’re right.” He sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… to make you feel unwelcome or… or unappreciated.” Yuuri apologised quietly, his voice almost trembling.

 

“I understand, Yuuri. It’s okay. Now come on, let’s eat.” Victor encouraged, releasing Yuuri’s hand to pick up his fork. “Here, baby.” Victor scooped up a bit of his mashed potato to feed Mika. Yuuri watched, sighing contently as Victor cooed at Mika. “I’d never judge you, Yuuri.” Victor said.

 

“I know. I guess it’s just… my head is messing with me again.” Yuuri huffed, feeding Mika another piece of prawn and pasta with a loving smile.

 

“I get that.” Victor squeezed his hand. “Will you let me in, Yuuri? And we’ll work it out.” Yuuri looked at him, brow creased and eyes watered.

 

“I’m trying.” He sniffled, almost pleadingly. “I’m— I’m sorry, I’ve just made dinner awkward and your vacation has just started badly.” Yuuri grumbled, Mika looking at him with confused, doey eyes.

 

“Amma?”

 

“I’m okay, baby.” Yuuri smiled softly at him, brushing Mika’s cheek.

 

“Yuuri, you opened up to me.” Victor smiled, brushing hair away from his face. “If anything, that’s a good start to my visit.” He chuckled, pulling the tiniest smile from Yuuri. “I never doubted your abilities as a parent.” Reassured Victor as he fed Mika another bit of potato. “I always thought _‘wow, he’s so much stronger and braver,’_ or _‘I always knew he’d be the best parent,’.”_ And Yuuri couldn’t help but smile inside because he could tell Victor was being sincere. “And hey, I wasn’t wrong.” Victor fondly chuckled.

 

“Thank you.” Yuuri mumbled, staring at the pasta. “That really means a lot to me.”

 

“I’ll always have confidence in you.” Yuuri felt his appetite come back to him, his stomach suddenly hungry again as he pushed more pasta onto his fork. “Look at him. He’s happy, he’s healthy, he’s well behaved.” Victor smiled proudly at Yuuri, whose heart swelled up. “And that’s all because of you.”

 

“I really needed that.” Yuuri said after he finished his pasta.

 

“Needed what?” Asked Victor with the raise of his brow as he wiped Mika’s chin.

 

“Someone to tell me I was going well.” Replied Yuuri. “ _You_ to tell me I was doing a good job.” The small smile on Yuuri’s face told Victor that Yuuri really felt better about himself.

 

“Then I’ll tell you every day.” Promised Victor as he nursed down a glass of water. “Every day until you’re sick of hearing my voice.” He chided, pulling a bit of a grumble from Yuuri.

 

“You don’t need to do that.” Yuuri said as he watched in awe at Victor, who picked Mika up and sat him in his lap. It was cute, how much they’d missed each other, and now with a clear head and a reassured mind, he couldn’t even find it in him to be slightly jealous.

 

Mika was exhausted, eyes immediately fluttering closed as soon as he tucked his head under Victor’s chin. Yuuri’s face was soft with adoration as Victor ran a hand up and down Mika’s back in soft motions, his nose just brushing at the crown of Mika’s hair. Within minutes Mika was snoring away, fingers gripped in Victor’s clothing as Victor’s arm supported his chubby bottom.

 

“I think that’s our cue to pay and leave.” Victor said, calling over a waiter. “I have to collect my luggage from the storage room.” Victor said as he skilfully pulled his wallet from his jeans pocket, opened it, and pulled out his bank card all with one hand.

 

“I’ll get your luggage.” Yuuri offered.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Shall we just take a taxi back?” Yuuri asked as he promptly returned to Victor’s side. “We’re all tired and it’d probably be easier too.” Victor punched his pin code into the card machine and nodded.

 

“Yeah, yeah, we’ll do that. Our little one looks too tired to deal with a three hour train journey. I’ll pay for a taxi.” Victor said as they got up, and he gently strapped Mika into his carrier and picked him up, slinging his baby bag on his shoulder.

 

“Victor, let me pay for the taxi.” Yuuri requested as they stepped out of the restaurant.

 

“I’ll pay. I don’t feel like I contribute to Mika nearly enough so… please let me pay for it. It’ll make me feel better.” He sighed, and honestly, Yuuri could see why he was so desperate to pay for everything. Victor had always been very confident in himself, but having a child who lived in a different country clearly knocked at his confidence.

 

“Alright.” Yuuri reluctantly smiled. “But you’ll have to let me pay for something this holiday, Victor.” Demanded Yuuri as they waited for a taxi.

 

“Alright, alright, if you insist.” Victor huffed in amusement with a content smile.

 

The taxi quickly arrived, and Victor strapped Mika’s carrier into the middle seat and climbed in, Yuuri climbing in from the other side.

 

“One eight seven four Champéry, please.” Yuuri said, shutting the door. “It’s a short walk to our flat from the rink.” Yuuri added, aimed at Victor.

 

“Virtually next door?” Yuuri nodded.

 

“It’s like, across the road, so I normally just send the taxi to the rink instead.”

 

The taxi journey was quiet, taking just under an hour and a half. Victor had fallen asleep holding Mika’s hand, Yuuri noticed as he glanced over with a content face. Mika too, had fallen asleep, drool dribbling down his chin as his head leaned towards Victor. With a soft laugh, Yuuri gently dabbed away the drool from Mika’s chin.

 

“Victor, Victor, wake up.” Yuuri said quietly as the taxi pulled up on the street near the rink. With a grumble and a stretch, Victor’s eyes peeled open and his eyes began to focus. “We’re here.” Yuuri said, unstrapping Mika’s from the middle seat. “Our apartment is just there.” Yuuri said, pointing across the street.

 

“Ow, my neck.” Victor huffed tiredly as he got out of the taxi, Mika’s carrier in hand. “Could you help me with my cases?” Victor asked as he flicked open the boot of the taxi.

 

“Of course.”

 

After struggling with Victor’s suitcases, the family were ready to flop on the floor.

 

“I hope you’re okay with the sofa bed? We don’t have another room.” Yuuri sighed, biting his lip as he opened the door to the apartment.

 

“Honestly, a sleeping bag on the floor would have been good too.” Victor said jokingly as Yuuri pushed open the door. Victor looked around at the open plan apartment, the pitching and front room separated only by the breakfast bar, and then two doors that led to the bathroom and Yuuri’s bedroom. “I have presents for you and Mika, but I think it’d be more fun to give you them when Mika’s awake to enjoy them.” Victor chuckled as he helped Yuuri push his suitcases into the front room.

 

“You didn’t have to, Victor.”

 

“And you didn’t have to offer up your space to me. But you still did.” Victor smiled fondly, one hand cupping Yuuri’s cheek. “You should head to bed. You look exhausted.” Victor commented.

 

“I am.” Yuuri chuckled. “But clearly, not as tired as Mika is.” Yuuri sighed fondly as he watched Victor unstrapped Mika from his carrier and lifted him to his shoulder.

 

“I’ll change him before tucking him in. Bathroom okay?” Victor asked, hand running softly through Mika’s hand.

 

“Yeah. The second door from the left. His sleepwear should already be on the bathroom counter.” Yuuri said as Victor carried Mika to the bathroom.

 

“Let’s see if I can change him without waking him up.” Victor chuckled, his hips pushing open the bathroom door.

 

“He’s a bit of a light sleeper.” Yuuri commented as he watched Victor through the gap in the bathroom door, smiling in delight as Victor kissed Mika's cheeks and nose before removing his clothes.

 

There was something sweet, so sweet about watching Victor be a _father_ . Maybe it was the way he cooed and smiled at Mika, or the way Mika responded to him. Maybe it was the fact that Victor just _knew_ how to do everything - from feeding him to changing him. Perhaps it was the look of pure joy and happiness on Victor’s face when he saw Mika. Whatever it was, Yuuri found it absolutely tooth rotting.

 

Victor re-emerged from the bathroom with Mika, who was wearing a pale blue onesie, decorated with onigiris and, much to Yuuri’s surprise, he was still asleep. His eyes were doey and soft as Victor looked at him, confused as to why Yuuri was staring so intensely.

 

“What’s the matter?” Victor asked, closing the bathroom door.

 

“Nothing.” Yuuri smiled fondly as he watched Victor tuck Mika under the blankets of his crib. “I hope you still like two pillows, one soft and one memory foam.” Yuuri chuckled. “‘Cause that’s what I put out for you.” Victor’s smile was content, almost nostalgic.

 

“Of course you still know me the best. Thank you, Yuuri.” Victor said as he leaned over Mika’s crib. Yuuri came over, gazing lovingly at their son.

 

“Good night, baby. Mommy and daddy love you.” He cooed, kissing Mika’s forehead and the palm of his cheek before squeezing his hand and letting go.

 

“Sleep well, Yuuri.” Victor quietly bid in a soft voice. Stepping forwards, he pressed a gentle kiss to Yuuri’s forehead, his nose just brushing his fringe. He could practically feel the blush rising to Yuuri’s cheeks as he pulled back.

 

“Good night, Victor. Umm… I’ll see you tomorrow.” Victor watched as Yuuri retreated to his room. Victor then turned to Mika, who was fast asleep, handkerchief clutched tight.

 

“Good night, baby boy. Mommy and daddy love you so much.” He leaned over the crib one last time to kiss Mika good night before settling down for the night.

————————————————————————

“Good morning, baby.” Victor cooed as Mika’s eyes cracked open and he yawned.

 

“ _‘Hayou,_ Addy…” Mika grumbled as Victor picked him up out of the crib and into his arms.

 

“Let’s get you a fresh diaper.” Victor cooed, heading for the bathroom. “We’ll clean your teeth and face, too. Surely I can figure that out, right?” He chuckled, pushing the bathroom door open. With one hand, Victor managed to unroll the baby changing mat that was tucked into the corner of the bathroom counter and laid it out. “Right, where does mummy keep your diapers?” Victor knelt down, knees clicking, and opened the bathroom counter. “Ahh, here.” Victor pulled a diaper out from the hamper under the basket.

 

Victor quickly changed Mika’s diaper, and washed his hands. Then, looked around the counter to see a hamper full of Mika’s stuff on one side of the bathroom counter, and Yuuri’s stuff in another hamper on the other side. “Toothpaste, toothbrush…” Victor pulled out each item from the hamper. “Aha! Morning face moisturiser. Look at how much mummy spoils you.” Victor chuckled, eyes scanning the items in Mika’s hamper. “Face creams, body butters, moisturisers…”

 

Victor sat Mika down on the bathroom counter and squeezed toothpaste onto his toothbrush, wetting it.

 

“Alright baby, ahh—“ Mika’s tiny mouth opened, and Victor brought the toothbrush over Mika’s tiny teeth. “Good boy.” He cooed, gently brushing Mika’s tongue. Toothpaste dribbled down Mika’s chin as he attempted to spit the toothpaste out. Victor chuckled, wiping Mika’s chin. “Something tells me the face cloth with the zoo animals on it is yours.” Victor chuckled, pulling the cloth off of the railing to wet it.

 

“Here, baby. Let’s make sure your face is nice and clean.” Victor gently moved the cloth in small circles around Mika’s face, patting gently. After dotting cream on Mika’s face and rubbing it in, Victor smiled proudly and picked Mika up to leave the bathroom. “I wonder if momma is awake yet.”

 

When Yuuri awoke, he could hear water running and Victor’s voice, soft and cooing at Mika. He sat up, grumbling and yawning with a stretch. Yuuri heavily sighed. He reached over to the bedside table, sliding his glasses onto his face, and he got off the bed.

 

Just as Yuuri came out of his room, Victor and Mika emerged from the bathroom.

 

“Oh, morning, Yuuri.” Victor contently smiled.

 

“Morning…” Yuuri groggily yawned.

 

“I changed Mika and brushed his teeth, also moisturised his face. Is there anything else you normally do in the morning with him?” Victor asked as Yuuri took Mika from his arms to kiss him good morning.

 

“No, I normally make him porridge and cut up some fruit for breakfast, but there’s somewhere else I want to take you both for lunch, so I’ll probably make him something a little smaller like a jam sandwich.” Yuuri explained as he handed Mika back to Victor.

 

“Oh? What’s for lunch then?” Victor asked curiously.

 

“There’s a little cafe, it’s up the mountain, and I’ve never been but Stephane said it’s decent.” Yuuri said as he headed for the bathroom. “I’m just gonna brush my teeth.” Victor nodded.

 

“You want me to make him a sandwich while you’re getting ready?”

 

“Please.” Victor nodded, and settled Mika down on the sofa.

 

“I’ll be back with breakfast in a moment.” Victor manoeuvred his way around the kitchen with relative ease - he chuckled, realising that the way Yuuri had organised the kitchen was almost exactly how he’d organised their kitchen when they first moved into their home. Victor supposed that under _parent_ Yuuri, the Yuuri he married all those years ago was still there, and still the same organised, adorable, shy and sensitive Yuuri. Victor smiled to himself, pulling the jam from the cupboard.

 

When Yuuri came back into the front room freshened up, Victor was part way through making a sandwich, which Yuuri presumed was for Mika. He smiled softly, picking Mika up from the sofa and onto the floor. “Shall we see if we can make it to the kitchen?” Yuuri cooed. “Look, daddy made you a sandwich.” Yuuri pointed as Victor cut the sandwich into quarters.

 

Victor looked over to see Yuuri stood up, and Mika’s tiny form stood in front of him, hands held by Yuuri to support him. Victor came forwards and around the breakfast bar, and crouched down, arms held out.

 

“Come on, darling, come to daddy.” He crooned as Mika made tiny steps. He lit up at the sight of his father, a huge, heart shaped smile crossing his face as his pace picked up a little. “Do you want to try letting go?” Victor said to Yuuri, who nodded and gently released Mika’s hands. Mika made a few more quick steps before falling down. He’d made it just over half way between the sofa and the breakfast bar. Victor came over, and Yuuri picked him back up.

 

“You did so well, baby.” Victor cooed, kissing his son on the forehead. “You’ll get it soon though, won’t you? I know you will.” Victor encouraged. Victor felt so much pride well up in his chest. It was the first time he’d seen Mika walk, even if it was with Yuuri’s help, and then falling flat on his face after a couple of steps.

 

“Well done, baby. We’re so proud of you. You’re so close.” Yuuri softly smiled, holding Mika against his shoulder. “Let’s sit you down for breakfast. We’ll try again together, later.” Yuuri lifted Mika into the high chair, and Victor put the sandwich down in front of him.

 

“Do you normally let him feed himself?”

 

“Yeah, I do with sandwiches.”

 

“ _Spasibo,_ Addy.” Mika’s smile was bright as he picked up a quarter in two hands.

 

 _“_ You’re welcome, baby.” Victor cooed, kissing his forehead. “I’m just gonna go and sort myself out.” Yuuri nodded as Victor went over to his suitcase and opened it, pulling out a change of clothes and some toiletries. Yuuri watched, amused as Victor brought out a huge box of skincare products. Of course, Victor hadn’t changed one bit - he still had his million dollar, multi-step skincare routine.

 

“Are you enjoying your sandwich, baby?” Yuuri asked as he sat down next to Mika, a hand brushing through his hair. Mika nodded.

 

“ _Da_ , amma.” Yuuri proudly smiled, kissing his cheek.

 

“Are you happy? Now that daddy is here?” Yuuri asked fondly, and Mika’s face lit up.

 

“ _Da…_ I love Addy.” Mika pushed the crusts of his sandwich into his hand. “Baby, you know you have to eat the crusts.” Yuuri crooned in a soft, warning tone. Mika pouted, but Yuuri couldn’t help but smile. “Just one bite?” Yuuri handed Mika back the crusts of his sandwich. “Go on, baby.” And with a bit of encouragement, Mika took a bite of them with a sour face. “See, That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Yuuri chuckled just as Victor re-emerged from the bathroom. “He’s like you.” Yuuri chided when Victor sat down.

 

“Why? How?” Victor chuckled, proudly grinning at his son.

 

“Doesn’t like the crusts on sandwiches.” Victor snorted. Another trait that was just so like _Victor_.

 

“But Yuuri! They’re disgusting!” Victor made a point to comment.

 

“Disgusting!” Mika repeated as Yuuri began to protest. Both parents turned to look at their son, who had another quarter of the sandwich in his hand.

 

“You don’t like crusts either?” Mika’s shook his head firmly as Victor laughed. “They’re disgusting, aren’t they?” And Mika could do nothing but grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> More family bonding time!
> 
> Don’t forget to check out the artwork by Psi that’s embedded!


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Yuuri spend some time together with Mika.  
> Mika hits a milestone!

It only took Yuuri a good ten minutes and lots of _“[nyet, amma](https://www.instagram.com/p/BxaQvc9J6dI/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=dps5zyzcc5je)!” _ to encourage Mika to eat the crusts of his sandwich and of course, Victor was no help in encouraging him.

 

“Honestly, Victor. He should be eating the crusts! They’re good for him.” Yuuri scolded with a playful pout.

 

“Sorry, Yuuri.” Victor apologised with a chuckle. “But wasn’t he just adorable when he refused!” Victor protested with a grumble.

 

“Yes, he was, but that isn’t the point.” Frowned Yuuri.

 

“Yes, Yuuriiiiiii.” Victor grumbled with a heavy sigh. “Look, Mika. You got daddy in trouble with mummy!” He jokingly scolded.

 

“Trouble, trouble!” Mika cheered, clapping his hands.

 

“You got yourself in trouble.” Yuuri corrected bluntly. “Crusts are healthy, you should be encouraging him to eat them even if you don’t like them.” Yuuri glowered, his brow creased in the middle.

 

“Yes, Yuuri.” Victor chided with a playful grin. “Oh, before I forget, I bought some stuff for you both.” Yuuri followed Victor into the living room, carrying Mika in his arms.

 

“So _that’s_ why you have three suitcases.” Yuuri chuckled, sitting down as Victor hauled over two of the three suitcases. “You didn’t need to bring us anything, you know.” Yuuri sighed as Victor opened the first suitcase.

 

“I did.” Victor said. “A lot of it is children’s books for Mika. I dug out some I had as a child and… yeah. Most of them are Russian but I also have some in English too, and a couple in Japanese from when I was learning.” Victor explained, pulling out books and books and books. Yuuri’s heart warmed as Victor pulled out various children’s books - he even recognised some of these as ones he’d gifted Victor to help him learn Japanese.

 

“These ones are ones you gave me to help me.” Victor said. “So I guess it’s only right to give them to Mika. These are also for Mika.” Victor pulled out a tub of alphabet blocks. “To help him learn to read and speak.” Yuuri slid down to the floor, sitting Mika in his lap.“I also got him some clothes too. I wasn’t entirely sure what size would be best since I didn’t want him to grow out of them too fast.” Victor said, pulling out piles of folded toddler’s clothes. “And lastly, I bought him back a blanket. Since I stole his.” Victor pulled out a pale pink blanket printed with puppies. Yuuri could instantly smell Victor’s scent as he pulled it out. This one, he handed directly to Mika, draping it over his body. “For my favourite little boy.”

 

The scent stung Yuuri’s sensitive nose a little, but he could see how Mika instantly nuzzled into the fabric, face lighting up with a smile.

 

“What do you say to daddy for all the presents, baby?” Yuuri crooned, brushing Mika’s hair away from his face.

 

 _“Arigato,_ Addy!” Mika brightly smiled at Victor, who kissed his forehead.

 

“Anything for you.” Victor chuckled softly, nose brushing Mika’s forehead. “This suitcase is mainly snacks, and a couple of things for you.” Victor said, unzipping the second suitcase. “I bought you this.” Victor pulled out a flat cardboard box, wrapped in a beige and black tartan print ribbon. “You used to like to steal mine so… I bought you one.” Victor grinned, handing Yuuri the box.

 

“Burberry? Victor…”

 

“Don’t tell me I didn’t have to get you anything.” He smiled. “Go on, open it.” Yuuri’s dainty fingers undid the bow and pulled the lid off the box to reveal a black double breasted trench coat. “It’s waterproof, too.”

 

“You didn’t have to get me anything.” Yuuri mumbled, touching the delicate fabric as a smile crossed his face.

 

“I also got you this.” Victor pulled out a little box. “It’s the fragrance you used to like. I wasn’t sure if you still liked it but I figured I’d get it for you anyway and hope you did like it but if you don’t like it that’s okay I can—“

 

“I still like this scent.” Yuuri said, eyes soft as he smiled fondly. “Thank you, Victor.” Victor let out a sigh of relief.

 

“I got you one last thing.” Victor pulled out another flat box, carefully finished with a bow. He passed it to Yuuri, who took the box and sat it on his lap. “Open it.” Yuuri pulled the tails of the bow and removed the ribbon. Carefully, he lifted the lid. Inside was a neck scarf, triangle shaped and black and grey. Yuuri touched the soft wool, smooth against his hand as he smiled softly.

 

“This is beautiful, Victor. Thank you.” Yuuri’s smile was soft. Victor still knew what Yuuri liked the most and what his style was.

 

“Anything for you, my darling.” Yuuri’s heart skipped a beat as he stared at Victor for a brief moment before Victor went back to the suitcase. “The rest of the suitcase is just snacks. There’s some _bears in the forest_ chocolate, I also got you some _mishka kosolapi_ , you know those wafer cakes that you love?” But Yuuri pouted.

 

“You know I can’t eat those when I’m training.”

 

“But it's still the off season.” Victor winked. “If not, you can just let Mika eat them and live vicariously through him.” Victor joked fondly. “I got some _alyona_ chocolates too. I hope I managed to get all of your favourites?” Yuuri chuckled.

 

“You remembered.” Yuuri mumbled softly.

 

“Of course I did.” Victor smiled gently. “Don’t eat them all yourself, share them with Mika too.” Victor said in a tone that almost made it sound like he was scolding Yuuri. Yuuri rolled his eyes.

 

“I will.”

————————————————————————

“How come there are so many people here?” Victor asked, promptly changing the subject.

 

“It’s a ski resort.” Yuuri said. “There’s still snow, even though it’s April, so I suppose if there’s still snow, then there’s still customers. Besides, according to Stephane, it’s very nice even in the summer.” Yuuri smiled as they joined the queue for the cable cars.

 

“Did you have to make a reservation for this restaurant?” Victor asked as the queue moved forwards. Yuuri nodded in confirmation.

 

“Yeah.” He said. “I booked it last week, I think it was. They originally told me they didn’t have any openings for two weeks, but then someone cancelled and they phoned me back.” Explained Yuuri. “The menu is very…” Yuuri hummed in thought. “French. A bit fancy, but not too fancy. Then again, it’s Switzerland, and even the most casual places are fancy.” Yuuri said in a tone of amusement.

 

“I’m excited.” Victor sighed softly, stepping into the cart with Mika to sit down. “Lunch with a mountain top view sounds nice, doesn’t it, baby?” He cooed to Mika who was rightfully more interested in the scenery.

 

“Mmh?” Mika looked at his father, eyes wide.

 

“Are you enjoying the view, baby?” Yuuri cooed, moving to sit on the other side of Mika.

 

“ _Da!”_ Cooed Mika with a bright, heart shaped smile, front teeth showing ever so slightly. Victor unstrapped Mika from his carrier and sat him down on his lap, turning to face the window.

 

 _“Posluyshai, solnyshko.”_ Victor said, pointing to the view out of the window. _“Asoko ni sore wa nan desu ka?”_ Mika hummed in thought as Victor pointed to the evergreen trees, coated in snow that seemed to cover the mountain’s surface. “ _Hora, yuki ga arimasu.”_ Victor’s accented Japanese put a smile on Yuuri’s face as Mika sat in his lap, palms against the glass as he stared in awe.

 

 _“Yuki?”_ Yuuri couldn’t not snap a photo when Mika’s head turned to stare at Victor, who had one leg crossed under the other, Mika sat in his lap, and his hands wrapped gently around his body.

 

To: Victor 🥰

_[New Image]_

 

Yuuri watched as Victor’s phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out, brow curiously raised. He unlocked his phone, and Yuuri could see the curious face instantly glow, a fond smile covering his face as he stared at the picture.

 

“You looked cute together.” Yuuri chuckled softly as Mika continued to stare out of the window.

 

“We do, don’t we?” Victor laughed softly. “Can we get one together?” Victor asked, and Yuuri looked at him, face surprised.

 

“Oh… yeah, of course.” Victor stood up, holding Mika up in one arm. Yuuri stood himself next to Victor, taking Victor’s phone from his hand. “Umm… same passcode?”

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Victor said as Yuuri pulled up the camera. Yuuri tucked himself up against Victor’s side. At first, he hesitated, but when he felt Victor’s arm around his waist, it felt easier to relax. Yuuri let himself relax against Victor’s side, arm around his waist and head against his shoulder. Victor held Mika up between them, his neck craned as his little head poked up just between his parents. Yuuri took a deep breath and smiled as he clicked the camera.

 

“How does it look?” Victor asked as he sat back down, his arm settling Mika back into his lap. Yuuri sat himself next to Victor, and passed him back his phone. “Cute.” He chuckled, gazing at Yuuri, then at Mika, then back at Yuuri. Victor couldn’t help but notice how soft the smile Yuuri had was. Victor hadn’t seen that in a long, long time. “Your smile is beautiful.” Victor commented quietly and Yuuri was almost taken aback.

 

“Oh… thank you.” Yuuri’s pink cheeks didn’t go unnoticed by Victor, who couldn’t help the tiny smile that crossed his face. “Look, baby.” Yuuri cooed to Mika. “We’re almost at the top.” Said Yuuri as he pointed to the cable car station, just up ahead. “Will you be okay holding him?” Yuuri asked as the car approached the dock.

 

“Yeah, I’ll strap him back in if my arms get tired.” Victor said. “But I want him to enjoy the snow.” Victor picked Mika up in his arms and Yuuri picked up the carrier, baby bag sat inside.

 

“Let me know if you get tired.” Yuuri followed as Victor stepped out of the car and onto the platform. The mountain top was quite busy, considering it was May. “Our reservation is in about fifteen minutes, so we got here in good time.” Yuuri said as they walked.

 

The restaurant was somewhat reminiscent of a log cabin. It was cosy and comfortable, and Victor could feel the warm atmosphere as they stepped in. He looked around at the wooden walls, the steps that led to a loft space, and around at all of the wooden furniture. It was gorgeous. Simple, yet stunning.

 

“Table for three under ‘Katsuki’?” Yuuri said when a waitress came by the waiting area.

 

“Of course, follow me upstairs.”

 

Victor hated to admit it, but it still stung whenever he heard ‘Katsuki’ but _without_ ‘Nikiforov’ tacked on the end. It made him remember the many times he’d corrected people - _“it’s Katsuki-Nikiforov,”_ he’d emphasise to reporters and journalists. He felt like their double barrelled surname really tied them together, like Victor finally had someone to love him eternally.

 

Until he fucked everything up.

 

Victor followed Yuuri, Mika in his arms, up the steps and they sat down at a table by the window. The loft seating area had a beautiful view of the mountain top - the sun was shining, reflecting against the snow, the grass was green further in the distance. Victor had never seen scenery like that before.

 

“I never had a safe place to land before you.” Victor suddenly said out of the blue after they sat down.

 

“H-huh?” Yuuri’s face was confused, eyes wide as he swallowed a lump in his throat. “What do you mean?” Yuuri asked with a mumble.

 

“Before I met you,” Victor started. “If I fell, I’d keep falling until I could pick myself up.” He sighed softly. Yuuri’s eyes were doey with confusion as he listened. “And when I met you, I realised someone was waiting for me. Someone who loved me with their whole heart, someone who could catch me.” Victor’s eyes shifted to the window, and then back to the table.

 

 _“Loved…”_ Yuuri thought. “ _Victor doesn’t think I love him anymore.”_ Yuuri swallowed a lump in his throat, face troubled as his gaze fixed itself on the vase of flowers and the candle in the middle of the table.

 

“I don’t even know why I’m telling you this.” Victor admitted with a mumble as he sighed. “I guess I just miss that feeling.” His voice was quiet, almost a whisper as he sadly smiled.

 

Yuuri struggled to find words. He didn’t know what to say but, if Victor would have him, Yuuri would love to be Victor’s safe haven once more.

 

“I can still be a safe place for you to land, if you’ll let me.” Yuuri quietly said as he stared at the table, hands squeezed together. Victor couldn’t help but think he looked uncomfortable, or felt pressured.

 

“I can’t ask that of you anymore.” Victor smiled painfully. “It’s unfair on you. Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.” And now Yuuri feels shut out. Yuuri wanted to protest because he still loves Victor so much that his heart soared, yet it ached too and his eyes pleaded for Victor to look his way as he suffered in silence. Yuuri opened his mouth, but still, he didn’t know what to say or what to think and he can’t help but feel like Victor does not trust Yuuri to help him feel comforted and safe anymore. Yuuri felt confused, frustrated. Upset, almost.

 

“Shall we order?” Victor said with one of those smiles, the one he used to plaster on his face when he didn’t want to talk anymore. The one he’d normally wear, accompanied by _“I’m okay, my love,”_. Yuuri wished he’d wipe it off his face.

 

They were back at the point where it was fake smiles and hidden feelings and Yuuri hated it. Because it meant Victor couldn’t trust him enough to be _honest_. Yuuri has been trying to let Victor into his heart again, to tell him his deepest fears and his harshest insecurities but it just doesn’t seem like Victor wants to let Yuuri back in. He could see the way that Victor stared into space when it was quiet, and he could read the look that is so frequently on his face that says there’s something on his mind. It almost hurts. Or rather, it stings. But it’s stung for so long that Yuuri found himself used to the burning feeling in his heart.

 

Yuuri knew he was overthinking, but he can’t help it.

 

“Okay.” Yuuri said quietly as he picked up the menu. He didn’t press any further.

 

“I think I might get the Serrano ham salad.” Victor said, eyes scanning the menu. “Oh, it has grapefruit and strawberries in it too. What about you? What do you want?” Victor asked as Yuuri gazed at the menu. But even though his eyes were focused on the menu, Victor could tell he wasn’t even reading it. “Yuuri?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Are you okay?” Yuuri thought for a moment. _No, I’m not. I feel like you’re shutting me out and you don’t trust me to be there for you._  

 

“I’m okay.” Yuuri said quietly with a tiny smile. “I think I’ll get the salmon and potatoes.” Victor nodded and called the waitress over to place their order.

 

“Are you enjoying the view, darling?” Yuuri asked as he noticed Mika staring out of the window at the snowy mountain top. “Is the snow pretty?”

 

 _“_ Yeah. _”_ Mika said quietly.

 

“ _Yuki ga kirei desu ka?”_ Yuuri asked as he reached for Mika’s hand, his thumb gently rubbing the top of his hand.

 

“ _Kirei!”_ Mika repeated with a fond smile, tiny teeth peeking out ever so slightly. Yuuri lifted Mika’s hand, kissing his palm before kissing the tip of each tiny finger.

 

“Is it tomorrow morning he has his speech therapy?” Victor asked as he watched Yuuri, who was smiling at Mika, completely smitten.

 

“Yeah, it’s at nine a.m, but it takes two hours to get there, so it’s a pretty early start.” Yuuri sighed softly. “And then I’ve got training after that, me and Stephane are putting together ideas for next season, things I could skate to. I’ll be home by about half three.” Victor nodded, making a mental note.

 

“Is training at the same time everyday?” Yuuri shook his head.

 

“It’s normally at ten o’clock, but I had to move it on Tuesdays for Mika’s speech therapy sessions. I think I might move a few of my sessions while you’re here so we can… spend some time together too.” Explained Yuuri as he rested his cheek on the palm of his hand, gazing lovingly at Mika. “Normally we get home at a bit past twelve, in time for lunch.” Yuuri said. “There isn’t really… much to do in Champery, apart from going around town.”

 

“Have you tried many of the cafes or restaurants here?” Yuuri shook his head.

 

“No, only once when I met up with Chris when I first moved here, but I didn’t eat anything.” Victor raised his brow.

 

“Oh? You met up with Chris?” Yuuri nodded.

 

“He came from Geneva to meet up for a coffee. We just had a chat and a coffee, got some stuff off my chest.” Yuuri murmured the last bit but it didn’t slip past Victor’s ears. He couldn’t help but feel envious and wonder what they had spoken about. It wasn’t his place to know, he knew that but it didn’t stop him from being curious. Victor wondered if Yuuri had told Chris things he couldn’t tell Victor. But even if he did, well, Victor had no one to blame but himself for the fact that Yuuri felt like he couldn’t speak to him.

 

“Oh.” Was all Victor could say. “I'm glad there’s someone who’s here for you when you need someone.” Victor smiled bitterly as the frustration of not being able to be physically there for Yuuri began to eat at him once again.

 

“Yeah. I suppose it is.” Yuuri sighed softly. “I didn’t even realise how lonely I actually was until I met up with Chris and had someone to talk to, someone who wasn’t my mom or wasn’t Stephane.” At that moment, their meals got put in front of them, accompanied by a refilled jug of water.

 

“ _Pouvons-nous avoir un autre bol, s’il vous plaît_?” Victor asked and the waitress nodded. Yuuri gave him bit of a confused look as she walked away. “Another bowl. We can try and let him feed himself.” Victor suggested as Yuuri’s face relaxed into a smile.

 

“Oh, yeah, okay, let’s try it.” Yuuri said. “He can eat his own yoghurt, well, sort of.” He chuckled, glancing at Mika, who was squeezing and tugging at the ears of his little elephant. Yuuri bent down Mika’s bag, pulling out a spoon and a packet of wipes.

 

The waitress returned with a small bowl and another napkin and placed it in front of Victor. “ _Merci_.” He smiled softly.

 

“ _Rien d’autre_?”

 

“ _Non, merci_.” Yuuri was staring at Victory without even realising it, eyes gazing at his side profile. “Yuuri? what are you thinking about?”

 

“Huh?” Yuuri was torn from his dazing as Victor interrupted him. “Oh. Just… you.” Yuuri murmured quietly. “Always you.” Yuuri’s smile was small, the corners of his lips just turned up as he picked up his fork to separate a piece of salmon and crush a couple of potatoes for Mika, scooping them into his bowl. Victor couldn’t help but smile at the comment.

 

But what exactly was it about him that Yuuri was thinking about? It must have been good, right? Judging by the smile on his face. It was that sweet smile, the one Yuuri sported when he thought of something he loved, the same smile he had when he looked at Mika. But at the same time Victor could see, clouded by the content smile, was one of worry, of concern. _“What about me?”_ Victor almost asked. Maybe Yuuri was thinking more specifically about _them._ About Victor, back in his life. Because Victor thought about that a lot, and he could safely say that it _terrified_ him. Having Yuuri back in his life was a true miracle, and the thought of losing him again was terrifying.

 

But maybe it was the opposite for Yuuri. Perhaps it was having Victor back in his life that was the cause of the worry behind his smile. Victor knew Yuuri still had some things he wasn’t ready to talk about yet. Maybe it was to do with whatever that was. With a soft sigh, Victor cut up and spooned in some of his salad leaves and a couple of pieces of grapefruit too, before putting the bowl in front of Mika.

 

“Here, darling.” Victor cooed, scooping a tiny bit of salmon and potato onto his spoon, encouraging Mika to hold it. Mika took the spoon off Victor, and Yuuri could see the concentration on his face as he tried not to drop the spoon. Yuuri was quick to pull out his phone as Mika carefully devoured what was on the spoon, smiling proudly as he snapped a picture.

 

“Look.” Yuuri said with a fond smile, turning the phone to face Victor.

 

“Send that to me?”

 

“Of course.”

 

To: Victor 🥰

_[New Image]_

Our little boy is learning 😍😍

 

Yuuri spooned some more into Mika’s spoon and watched as Victor swiped his phone open, a bright smile crossing his face.

 

“He’s gorgeous.” Victor sighed with a smile, saving the photo.

 

“Of course he is.” Yuuri said. “He’s got beautiful eyes that are bright enough to blind someone, and the most adorable forehead.” He chuckled, watching Victor pout at the mention of _forehead_ as he cut up a potato, stabbing it with his fork. Victor helped Mika spoon a little bit more onto his spoon, his face nothing but prideful as Mika fed himself.

 

“Do you want to try some? The grapefruit is nice with the serrano ham.” Victor asked after a few moments.

 

“Oh, yes, please.” Yuuri said, and he was about to dip his fork into Victor’s salad bowl before a forkful appeared in front of his face.

 

“Here, ahh.” Victor encouraged as Yuuri sat, baffled. He couldn’t even remember the last time Victor fork fed him like that. Like a _loving_ couple, like his… his husband. Hesitantly, Yuuri opened his mouth and took the forkful.

 

The rest of lunch was a quiet affair. Yuuri and Victor kept an eye on Mika as he tried not to flick food out of his bowl, and scooped food up off his chin and back into his mouth.

 

“Are you full, baby?” Yuuri asked as he fed Mika the last bits of potato and fish that he’d scraped from the sides of the bowl, along with the last piece of grapefruit.

 

“ _Da…”_ Mika grumbled, mouth full and cheeks stuffed as he spoke. Yuuri couldn’t help but find him ridiculously cute.

 

“You fed yourself today, darling.” Yuuri cooed pridefully as he wiped Mika’s chin with a wipe, removing bits of food and saliva from around his face. “We’re very proud of you.” Yuuri smiled, kissing his forehead as he wiped Mika’s hands and fingers. Victor untied Mika’s bib, folding it away before sliding it into the front pocket of his baby bag.

 

“Come on, baby.” Victor said, picking him up as Yuuri picked up Mika’s baby bag and his carrier.

 

“Are you okay to hold him?” Yuuri asked as they went down the steps.

 

“Yeah.” Victor said, hauling Mika up better as his arms wrapped around Victor’s neck. “We’ll be okay, won’t we baby?” He crooned, kissing Mika’s cheek.

 

“We can have a walk around town, if you want. There isn’t much here other than nice scenery.” Yuuri said. “Champery is beautiful at night, though.”

 

“Maybe we can come out stargazing? Maybe on a night when it’s nice and clear.” Victor suggested as they queued for the cable car back down the mountain.

 

“We’ll need blankets to sit on but I think Mika would love that.” Yuuri said, following Victor onto the car. “Maybe tomorrow? It’s looking a little cloudy, I don’t think it’ll clear tonight.” Sighed Yuuri as Victor sat Mika down on his lap.

 

“Well it doesn’t have to be today, just whenever it’s nice and clear.” Victor said. “Can we come with you? When you train?” Asked Victor, changing the subject.

 

“Oh, you can, but it’ll be working on choreography.” Yuuri replied. “I think I’ll spend some time in the studio too, practicing bits I want in my choreography. But you’re welcome to watch, I suppose.” The corners of Yuuri’s lips turned up in a small smile, cheeks and nose pink from the cold.

 

“I always did love watching you dance.” Victor watched Yuuri’s face almost light up, cheeks now pink from shyness. “You were always mesmerising.”

 

“It’s been a while since I last properly danced.” Yuuri murmured. “I didn’t do a lot of dancing when I prepared for last season. I had a lot to balance and I wasn’t really up to it.” He sighed regretfully. “But this season I want something more graceful so…” Yuuri shrugged.

 

“Whatever you come up with will be amazing, Yuuri.” Reassured Victor, his free hand brushing hair away from the side of Yuuri’s face, beautiful hazel eyes glazed over with concern staring out of the window.

 

“Thank you.” Yuuri murmured softly. “You always believed in me the most.” His lips turned up at one corner into an uncertain smile. Did Victor still believe in him? _Probably not,_ Yuuri thought as his gaze shifted to the floor beneath their feet.

 

“I still do.” Victor said contently, squeezing his shoulder comfortingly. “Trust me,” Those two words sent shivers down Yuuri’s spine. _“Trust me,”_ Victor had said. And Yuuri would. But suddenly his earlier doubts came back to haunt him. _“But you don’t trust me, do you?”_ And Yuuri was back to wondering why. Or rather, he knew why it seemed like Victor didn’t trust him. The question Yuuri was avoiding was _“would he ever fully forgive me?”_ Yuuri frowned, hands squeezing together. “I’ll always believe in you.”

 

But Yuuri just wasn’t sure about that. How could Victor ever believe in him again? Yuuri couldn’t help but think that Victor had never fully forgiven him for making his life miserable, making him feel unappreciated and unwanted. Even with Victor right here, telling Yuuri straight how much he believed in him, Yuuri just couldn’t see how. Yuuri likes to think he’d fully forgiven Victor, too, but upon the onslaught of sudden doubts, he can’t even say he’s so sure anymore.

————————————————————————

“Arms up, baby.” Yuuri cooed, slipping a jumper over Mika’s head. “Good boy. Trousers next?” Yuuri picked up Mika’s little jeans, pulling them onto his legs. “You have speech therapy today, are you excited?” Yuuri asked, pulling Mika’s tiny feet through the legs of the trousers. “Stand up.” He said, holding Mika up. Mika placed his hands on Yuuri’s shoulders as he carefully stood up on the bed, Yuuri pulling his pants up over his bottom. “Socks?”

 

“Socks!” Mika repeated with a gleeful smile as Yuuri pulled out a fresh pair of socks, gifted from Victor, with tiger faces on them. He sat Mika back down and lifted one of his tiny feet, sliding the sock on before switching to the other foot.

 

“Right, let’s go out to daddy and he can help you with your booties.” Yuuri cooed, lifting Mika off the bed and standing him onto the floor. “Shall we see if we can make it to daddy? Yeah?” Yuuri stood up behind Mika, back bent and holding up Mika’s arms, gently grasping both of his hands. “Victor?” Yuuri called.

 

“Come to daddy?” Victor cooed from next to the sofa, not far from Yuuri’s bedroom door. He knelt down, arms out, in hopes of encouraging Mika to walk. Mika took a couple of steps, gaze focussed hard on the floor as Yuuri guided him. “You can do it, baby.” Victor smiled encouragingly, phone in one hand as he filmed mother and son.

 

“Shall I let go and see if he can make the rest?” Yuuri asked as they got just over halfway to Victor.

 

“Yeah.” Yuuri released Mika’s hands, who managed to stand up right. Victor smiled proudly, snapping a photo.

 

“Come on, darling.” Victor crooned. “Daddy’s waiting for you.” His smile was bright and encouraging, phone in hand as Mika managed to take one step, then two, then three on his own, the prideful parents’ smiles getting brighter and brighter as they watched their son take his first couple of steps before he fell onto his hands and knees.

 

“You’re doing so well, baby.” Yuuri proudly beamed as he rushed to help Mika stand. “Can you make the rest of the way to daddy?” Yuuri sat on his knees, hand holding Mika’s to slowly guide him the rest of the way to Victor. Victor instantly picked Mika up, holding him close to his chest.

 

“Well done, baby boy.” Victor sighed softly, kissing his forehead. Victor shot the fondest smile in Yuuri’s direction, and opened his arm to welcome Yuuri into an embrace. The corners of Yuuri’s lips turned up into a shy smile as he stepped forwards, tucking himself up to Victor’s side.

 

“You did great, Mika.” Yuuri shakily sighed as he held back tears of joy. Victor kissed his forehead, smiling gleefully as held onto Yuuri in one arm and Mika in the other. Yuuri couldn’t help but glow inside as Victor’s soft lips touched his forehead, sparks igniting in his body as he contained his excitement.

 

“Now, let’s get those booties on for you.” Victor chuckled, releasing Yuuri and plopping Mika down on the sofa.

 

“Can you forward me those videos and photos, please?” Yuuri asked as Victor pulled up Mika’s tiny booties from the floor.

 

“Of course. Gimme a second. Baby, lift your foot?” Victor lifted Mika’s foot with one hand, slipping the small boot onto his foot and strapping them up. “Next?” Mika lifted his other leg with the help of Victor, who slid the second boot onto his foot. “Who’s my beautiful boy?” Victor cooed, his nose brushing Mika’s.

 

“Mikaaa!” Mika cooed, pulling a loving laugh from Yuuri.

 

“Now, shall we get going?” Victor asked, picking him up.

 

“ _Da!”_ Victor passed Yuuri his phone from his jacket pocket.

 

“Here, you can send the videos from my phone.” Yuuri nodded and took the phone, unlocking it. His heart skipped a beat when he saw that Victor had put hearts next to his contact name, stomach filling with butterflies as he smiled to himself. _“He really does love me.”_ Yuuri thought to himself with a giddy smile. If only Victor knew that his contact in Yuuri’s phone had hearts by it, too.

 

To: Yuuri 💕

_[New Image]_

_[New Image]_

_[New Video]_

 

Yuuri posted one of the photos to Instagram, the one Victor had snapped of Mika’s first proper steps, arms out and reaching for Victor with a huge smile, Yuuri knelt down behind him with a hopeful face.

 

 _@y-katsuki;_ Our little boy took his first steps on his own today… 💕💕💕

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t forget to check out Psi’s art, linked on the first line!


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mika has his next speech therapy session.   
> Yuuri feels troubled, and seeks advice from Stephane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Me and Psi have a discord server which you can find here! ](https://discord.gg/6kJbbUA)

_ @daisuki_katsuki;  _ YOOOOOO who else noticed? “OUR”?!!??? 

 

_ @yuurios;  _ THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE’VE EVER BEEN BLESSED WITH LITTLE YUURI’S FACE!?

 

_ @kickmeyuuri_;  _ omg 😭😭 he is so??? Cute??? BLESS MINI YUURI 

 

_ @giftsforkatsukiy_;  _ look… at his chubby cheeks I just wanna squeeze them 😍 CONGRATULATIONS BABY YUURI ON YOUR FIRST STEPS 

 

_ @teamkatsuki;  _ Holy shit Yuuri 😭 he’s is so cute! 😍😍😍 well done, little Yuuri!!! 

 

_ @katsuki_official_fan;  _ omg how adorable is he?! He looks so much like Yuuri I can’t believe this is the first time we’re seeing him 😩😩😩 

 

_ @yuuriswhiteknight;  _ LOOK AT MINI YURI??? TAKING HIS FIRST STEPS AND YUURI BLESSED US ALL WITH A PHOTO if only he could bless us with a name too 

 

_ @yuuris_number_one_;  _ THIS IS SO IMPORTANT NOT ONLY CAN WE SEE HIS FACE BUT WE CAN SEE HIS FIRST STEPS!!! 

 

_ @yuuriiiiiiiiiiz;  _ OMGGGGGG that’s so sweet 😍BUT WHAT’S HIS NAME?!!? 

 

_ @figureskatingyuuri_; _ Yuuriiiiiii will we ever get a name? Or more importantly, more precious photos like this 😩😍

 

_ @yuurika;  _ WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT “OUR”?! 

 

_ @yuurika;  _ WHO is his daddy I need to know?! 

 

_ @steponmekatsuki;  _ @yuurika if you had one guess who would you guess… 

 

_ @yuurika;  _ @steponmekatsuki IT CAN'T BE THO??? they broke up over 2 years ago! Yuuri’s son looks at MOST a year old! 

 

_ @steponmekatsuki;  _ @yuurika but look at his eyes! Doesn’t that shade of blue look awfully familiar 

 

_ @yuurika;  _ @steponmekatsuki holy shit. 

————————————————————————

“Here, baby. Snack on this.” Yuuri cooed as he unwrapped a chewy breakfast bar, with grains and strawberry jam. He passed it to Mika, who grasped it in both of his hands.

 

_ “‘Gatto, amma.”  _ He yawned tiredly as he sank tiny teeth into the soft oat bar. Yuuri smiled as Victor rested the palm of his hand on Mika’s forehead, gently moving back to stroke his soft hair. 

 

“Are you tired,  _ solnyshko _ ?” Victor asked softly as Mika nibbled away at his breakfast bar. 

 

“ _ Da…”  _ Mika mumbled with a faint nod. 

 

“You can nap after your speech therapy.” Yuuri said, promise glowing in his eyes as he fondly stroked Mika’s cheek with the pad of his thumb. 

 

“If he’s asleep when you go to practice I’ll stay back and watch him.” Victor said as he watched Mika munch away at his breakfast bar. 

 

“You can still take him, if you want. I take him if he’s asleep too, though that’s mainly because there’s no one else here.” Yuuri chuckled, thumb still stroking Mika’s cheek. 

 

“It’s okay. We can always watch you another day.” Victor smiled as he pulled the rest of the wrapper off Mika’s breakfast bar so he could finish it off. 

 

“Okay. You’ll phone me if something’s wrong?” Yuuri asked, seeking reassurance as he gazed at Victor with pleading eyes. 

 

“Of course.” Victor assured, watching as tension left Yuuri’s body and he sighed in relief. “What time does he normally eat?” Victor asked. “Is there anything in his schedule that he normally does?” 

 

“Feed Mika at one, normally he’ll have some form of potatoes, vegetables, and some kind of meat. There’s a packet of chicken breasts in the fridge, just bake one in the oven and cut it in half, then cut half into cubes for him.” Yuuri instructed. “Steam the vegetables, don’t boil them, and then the potatoes can be mashed with a tiny bit of milk.” Victor nodded, mentally taking notes. “He also has half a banana after lunch too, but I know you don’t like bananas, so just leave half in the fridge and I’ll eat it when I come home. I think that’s it. And obviously, change his diaper when he needs it.” 

 

“What should I do if he’s still asleep by one o’clock?” 

 

“If he’s still asleep wake him up, but normally, his naps only last about half an hour, so he should be awake.” Said Yuuri as he pulled a wipe from Mika’s baby bag to wipe his face. “Hands?” Yuuri crooned, grasping Mika’s tiny hands to wipe his palms and take tips of his fingers. “Can you make sure to read with him too, after lunch?” Yuuri asked as he finished off wiping Mika’s hands. 

 

“Of course. Any language preference?” Victor asked as Mika cuddled himself up to Victor’s chest, closing his eyes. Victor ran his hand up and down Mika’s back, hugging him close. 

 

“English, I think would be best. He uses it the least but I think it’s the most useful for him to learn. His books are on the bookcase in my room. Don’t forget to make him say some of the words, too.” Yuuri reminded. 

 

“Shall we teach him to write his name?” Victor suggested absentmindedly. Yuuri snorted. 

 

“What, teach him to write  _ Mikaela Victorovich Katsuki-Nikiforov? _ ” He chuckled. “You let me know if you have any success teaching him that.” Yuuri laughed as the train pulled up in Geneva. He stood up, picking up Mika’s bag and carrier while Victor carried Mika. 

 

“You never know.” Victor pouted. “Maybe when you come home from training he’ll able to write his name in three languages.” He joked with a bright smile as they got off the train. 

 

“It might take him a little longer than two hours, Victor.” Yuuri chuckled as he led the way. “At least give him some time to learn the alphabet first.” Yuuri said as he pulled open the door to the therapy centre to let Victor in. 

 

They sat for a little while, Mika tucked up to Victor’s shoulder as they waited for the therapist to come through. 

 

“Yuuri and Mikaela?” Dr. Laval caught the family’s attention, and they stood up, Mika clinging to Victor’s neck. “Three of you today?” She asked curiously as Victor and Yuuri took a seat, Mika sat in his lap. 

 

“Hi, I’m Victor Nikiforov, Mika’s father. It’s lovely to meet you.” Victor had a friendly smile, holding out his hand for her to shake. 

 

“Dr. Laval. It’s lovely to meet you, too.” She smiled softly, shaking his hand. “So last week we spoke about getting him to repeat words that stand out, asking him about things, and getting him to communicate.” She said, flipping through her notebook. “Have you managed to get a few more words out of him?” She asked. 

 

“He does often repeat words when I ask him a question or tell him something, but otherwise he doesn’t tend to speak much on his own accord.” Yuuri explained as Mika pulled and tugged at Victor’s scarf. With a fond laugh, Victor unwrapped his scarf and draped it over Mika’s body. 

 

“Okay, so I think we’ll do something similar to last week with some flashcards, getting him used to recognising words and what they mean. Once he knows what they are and what they mean, he be more likely to use them.” Dr. Laval got up and opened the drawer to her desk and pulled out a set of flashcards before returning. She shuffled her chair closer to Mika. 

 

“Mika?” Mika looked up at her, turning his attention to her. 

 

“ _ Da?”  _ She held up a flashcard with the picture of a car on it. 

 

“Car.” 

 

“Car.” Mika repeated, tiny hands gripping at Victor’s scarf around his body. 

 

“Truck.” 

 

“Truck.” Yuuri glanced over to Victor and he could see the bright, proud smile on his face. He was literally glowing. 

 

“Train.” 

 

“‘Rain.” Yuuri chuckled fondly. 

 

“Let’s try that one again.” She said. “Train.” She repeated more slowly, with a slight emphasis on the T.

 

“‘Rain.” Mika tried again, but still had little success. 

 

“One more time. Train.”

 

“‘Rain.” But still, Mika couldn’t get it. 

 

“It’s okay, we’ll put that one aside.” She cooed with a soft smile before turning to Yuuri and Victor. “Sometimes it will take a little while for them to get it.” She said. “Does he have problems with other words, where he misses out the first letter or the first syllable, anything like that?” She asked, pulling up her notebook. Yuuri nodded. 

 

“Words like ‘mama’, ‘papa’, and also words in both me and Victor’s native tongues too.” Yuuri explained. “It doesn’t happen to a lot of different words, but it happens often.” 

 

“It’s a part of his speech development. Grasping pronunciation, knowing how things should be pronounced and copying it is all part of slowly developing the ability to read and understand.” Dr. Laval explained as she put down her notebook and readjusted her position on the chair. “It’s perfectly normal, but hopefully he will pick words up more accurately. Let’s carry on.” She picked up the next flashcard, with a picture of a bus on it. 

 

“Bus.” 

 

“Bus.” Yuuri’s smile was proud as Mika studied the flashcard, eyes following it as it joined the discarded pile on the table. 

 

“Plane.” 

 

“Plane.” 

 

This continued until all of the cards were discarded into a separate pile. Dr. Laval picked up her notebook and pen, quickly jotting down some notes before turning her attention to the proud parents. 

 

“He’s able to grasp a lot of the words quite quickly. He can repeat most words without a problem, but it’s a matter of remembering them.” She said. “The pile I have here…” she stood back up and quickly moved to her desk to pick up another pack of cards. “These are from last week, and I want to jog his memory, make him more familiar with these words.” She pulled the rubber band off the cards, and gave them a quick shuffle. “It’s unlikely that he will remember any of them, but by showing them to him again, we can help him to learn how these words are said and hopefully, he’ll be able to apply that understanding to other words too.” Yuuri gave her a hopeful smile as she picked up the first card. 

 

“Tiger.”

 

“Tiger.” 

 

“Lion.” 

 

“Lion.” 

 

“Turtle.” 

 

“Turtle. 

 

“So far he’s had no problems with these words, like he did with the last set.” She said, tying off the packet of flash cards. “There’s another set I want to take a look at with him. The words are much harder and it’s unlikely he’ll get them, but I just want to see how far away he is from them.” Dr. Laval got up off her chair once again and went to her desk to retrieve another packet of flashcards. She sat down, removing the elastic band. “Mika?” Mika turned his attention back towards her. 

 

“Giraffe.” Mika looked at her, puzzled, and then back at the flashcard. “Giraffe.” She repeated. 

 

“‘Raffe.” She set the card aside. 

 

“He’s hacked the word in half to make it easier for him to say, once again.” She said, adding it to a pile of cards he’d struggled with. “Like I said, it’s normal, but let’s see what other words he doe this to.” 

 

“Tortoise.” 

 

“Ortoi’.” And again, she added that to the pile of cards. 

 

“He’s also gotten rid of the first and last couple of letters, again to make it easier for him to say. Mika seems to be very intelligent— he knows or has figured out that removing parts of the words makes them easier to say.” She said, bringing up the next card. 

 

“Gorilla.” 

 

“‘Rilla.” 

 

“Elephant.” Mika’s face lit up as he stared at the image of a cartoon elephant on the flashcard, one that was reminiscent of his little plush elephant. 

 

“Ellie!” Mika crooned, eyes sparkling as he thought of his little elephant. Dr. Laval chuckled softly. 

 

“Let’s try again.” She said. “Elephant.” Mika’s bright smile instantly changed to one of confusion. “Elephant.” She repeated again. 

 

“Ellie.” Mika said again, more persistently this time. With another soft smile, Dr. Laval put the card aside. They worked their way through the rest of the flashcards until there was a sizeable pile of words Mika struggled with. 

 

“So like I said earlier,” she started as she collected the cards together, “he struggles with longer words, like we’d expect, and he makes them easier for him to say by cutting off letters or syllables. I’d recommend that if he does this in the future, you should correct him, say it more slowly for him, and with time, he’ll be able to get it. Make him use those words too. Like I said last week, encourage him to speak and use words, and make him familiar with how they’re said.” She suggested. 

 

“Should we be alarmed if the progress is slow or he doesn’t progress?” Victor asked as Mika yawned, tucking himself up to Victor’s chest. 

 

“Well hopefully with weekly sessions he’ll progress faster. But if you aren’t noticing any improvements or we aren’t seeing any progress it’s a possibility that we’d have to refer him to someone else to see if there’s an underlying cause to such slow development. But hopefully we won’t have to.” She said with a reassuring smile. “Just keep encouraging him and guiding him, reading to him and eventually he’ll get there.” Victor stood up, Mika in his arms, and Yuuri followed suite. “So if you’ve no more questions, that’ll be it until next week.” 

 

“Thank you.” Yuuri let out a sigh of relief as Dr. Laval opened the door for them. “See you next week.”

 

“He’s completely knocked out.” Victor chuckled sweetly as Mika snored peacefully against his shoulder, fists gripping his jacket. 

 

“It’s an early start.” Yuuri said fondly as they left the therapy centre. “I have to go to the rink once we get home, you’ll be alright with him?” Yuuri asked. 

 

“Of course.” Victor promised. “I’ll make him lunch for when he wakes up, and I’ll make sure to do some reading with him too.” 

————————————————————————

When they got home Yuuri raced to get his stuff together for training. 

 

“I should be back about half two or three.” Yuuri said as he knelt down in front of Mika and kissed his forehead. “I’ll be home soon, baby.” He cooed. “Be good for daddy, alright?” He stood up and went to the door, slinging his skates over his shoulder and opened the door. “I’ll see you in a bit?” He called to Victor, who came over to the door. 

 

“Yeah. See you in a bit.” Victor leant in and gave Yuuri a chaste kiss on the forehead, smiling softly as his lips brushed his forehead. Yuuri couldn’t help the tiny smile on his face as he left the door, closing it behind him. “Looks like it’s just us for now.” Victor cooed as he went back over to Mika, who sat on the floor, his new blanket draped over his shoulders. “Shall we get you some lunch?” He stood up, hand brushing through Mika’s hair as he went to the kitchen. 

 

“Okay so…” Victor sighed to himself as he opened the fridge. “One chicken breast in the oven. Potatoes mashed and broccoli steamed.” He mumbled to himself, pulling out a packet of chicken breasts from the fridge, along with the broccoli. 

 

Victor made haste to peel some potatoes. He cut them up into smaller chunks, and put them into the steamer. He took out a chicken breast from the packet and slid it into the oven. “Chicken, check.” He sighed as he cut up a bit of broccoli, placing that in the steamer too. With a satisfied sigh, Victor let the oven and steamer do its’ work and returned to Mika. 

 

“Are you having fun, baby?” Victor cooed as he sat down on the floor opposite Mika, who was stacking wooden alphabet blocks on top of each other. Mika looked up at him. He put his blocks down and crawled himself into Victor’s lap, letting out a quiet sigh as he tugged at Victor’s shirt. Victor chuckled fondly, wrapping his arms around Mika’s body. “After lunch shall we read a book together?” Victor cooed, his fingertips gently ruffling Mika’s hair. 

 

_ “Da!”  _ Mika grinned, gazing up at Victor with the largest, brightest blue eyes. 

 

“And then when momma comes back we can tell him all about it.” Victor fondly smiled, brushing his nose against Mika’s hair. “Shall we take a picture for momma?” Victor crooned, pulling his phone from his pants pocket. 

 

Mika’s head turned to face the phone, a bright smile crossing his face as Victor kissed his forehead. The photo was delightful, Victor thought as he inspected it. Mika’s hair was ruffled and a little messy, Victor’s nose just brushing his fringe as he smiled fondly. 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

_ [New Image] _

Father and son both a-okay! Lunch for Mika in the making. See you later 🥰

 

“Let me check on your lunch.” Victor cooed as he lifted Mika up off his lap and back onto the floor. He kissed his head, standing up to go to the kitchen. 

 

“The potatoes and broccoli had a couple of minutes left, and so did the chicken. Reaching for the top cupboard, he pulled out a plate - presumably, the one split into three sections with wildlife animals all over it was Mika’s plate. He pulled out a sippy cup from kitchen drawer and poured out some orange juice—  _ freshly squeezed and 100% oranges—  _ of course Yuuri only buys the best stuff. 

 

When the chicken breast was done Victor took it out of the oven and per Yuuri’s instructions, put half away and cut the other half into tiny pieces. He spooned the broccoli onto the plate and mashed the potatoes before adding them to the plate. He set the now-full plate on the table of Mika’s high chair, complete with a baby fork. 

 

“Lunch is ready.” Victor cooed as he picked Mika up from the floor, holding him to his shoulder as he moved to the kitchen. “Chicken, broccoli, and mashed potatoes.” Victor smiled proudly as he strapped Mika into his seat. “What do we say?” Victor encouraged. 

 

_ “Spasibo, Addy.”  _ Mika said as he picked up the fork, gripping it in his hand. 

 

“Like this,  _ solnyshko.”  _ Victor readjusted Mika’s grip on the fork to help him along, proudly smiling as Mika stabbed his fork into a piece of chicken. Victor snapped a picture for Yuuri as Mika fed himself a piece of chicken. 

 

To: Yuuri 💕

_ [New Image] _

Lunch time 😍 

———————————————————————

“I want something more elegant.” Yuuri said as he went through tracks that Victor had suggested. “But something powerful, too.” 

 

“We’ll have to decide pretty quickly.” Stephane said. “Have you thought about choreography and what elements you want?” 

 

“Sort of. I’m going to the dance studio after to figure out what elements I want but obviously, I’ll only know for sure once I’ve decided what I want to skate to.” Yuuri huffed. “I like all of these that we’ve gone through and I can see myself skating to them, but there’s something missing. None of the pieces quite have everything I want.” Yuuri sighed in frustration. 

 

“You know, normally I’d urge you to hurry up but I guess, a lot has changed and it is your last season after all.” Stephane commented. “Maybe you’re looking for the wrong things. Instead of looking for something specifically elegant and powerful, maybe you should be looking for something that’s just emotive in general.” Yuuri gave a pensive hum, his brow creasing softly. “Have a think about it when you go to the studio later, you might find some inspiration or something might come to mind.” 

 

“For now, let’s work on jump combinations.” Yuuri nodded and stood up. He slid his skate guards off and got on the ice. 

 

_ “Something powerful…”  _ Yuuri thought as he lapped the rink. “ _ Something full of emotion…”  _ His first combination jump was a quadruple salchow-quadruple toe loop. He jumped, arms above his head, but fell on the first jump. 

 

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Stephane chuckled as he got onto the ice and skated over to Yuuri. 

 

“You’re right about that.” Huffed Yuuri as he stood up. 

 

“Something on your mind?” Stephane asked. 

 

“You could say that.” Yuuri sighed as he thought back to yesterday’s lunch outing. “I guess with Victor here everything just feels… different. He just… reminds me of how many doubts I have and ignore.” Yuuri heavily sighed as he skated on one leg. “He said something to me the other day.” Yuuri started, throwing himself into a jump. “And it made me feel like he didn’t really trust me enough to tell me things.” He mumbled quietly as Stephane followed him around the ice. “And he doesn’t trust me enough to be there for him, either. It just stings.” He sighed, throwing himself into a triple lutz, just catching the landing. 

 

“It’s not his fault. I wouldn’t trust me either.” Yuuri mumbled. “I made his life miserable. I made him feel powerless and unappreciated too. And then finally after he’s got himself together I suddenly come back into his life like a hurricane and throw him into parenthood.” Yuuri jumped, smiling proudly as he landed two consecutive triple jumps. “He loves Mika. I can tell. But I just… I wonder how he handles suddenly being a parent. Especially since the other parent is someone he’d probably be better off without.” Yuuri’s brow creased, swallowing a lump in his throat as he skated backwards, balancing on one leg.

 

“Sometimes I want to ask him if he’s ever fully forgiven me but honestly, I don’t know if I want to know the answer to that.” Yuuri murmured under his breath. “Because I just can’t see how he could ever forgive me, let alone believe in me enough to raise his son. What if he secretly resents me? And he just… fakes it to keep the peace? I can already see fake smiles and feelings he’s hiding.” Yuuri pushes himself off the ice and into a quadruple lutz, almost slipping out of his landing.

 

“I take it you haven’t told him about this?” Yuuri shook his head. 

 

“What would I even say?” He huffed. “Things are just starting to look up and I’m scared that if I say anything I might push him away by accident. I don’t want that, especially for Mika’s sake.” Yuuri lifted his leg and pulled the blade of his skate over his head in a slow spin. “For months I’ve been telling myself that  _ it’s okay, it takes time, and one day he’ll be able to love me again _ , but maybe I’ve just been too hopeful. I just don’t see how we could ever be anything more than… parents. Old friends reconciling, at most.” Yuuri sighed in frustration. “And now, through all this… doubt I have, I don’t even know if I’ve ever fully forgiven him for… walking out on me.” Yuuri whispered, almost inaudible under the sound of blades against the ice.

 

“Maybe you’re right.” Stephane said, and Yuuri’s heart pounded. He was scared Stephane might say that. “If you can’t fully forgive him, or you haven’t, then you can’t expect to go very far with Victor.” Stephane said as Yuuri jumped again. “If you feel like you have to keep it peaceful for Mika’s sake, maybe it’s a sign that you should speak up.” Stephane gave him a friendly smile and a squeeze on the shoulder. 

 

“I hate it when you agree with me.” Yuuri huffed in slight amusement. “Because that normally means my worst fears might be right.” Yuuri frowned as he focussed his energy into a triple lutz-triple flip combination, stepping out ever so slightly on the lutz. 

 

“At the risk of sounding intrusive, you both got hurt last time neither of you spoke up.” Yuuri frowned. Stephane was absolutely right. “Of course, I’m not here to tell you what to do though, I’m just here to be someone you can talk to.” Yuuri heavily sighed. 

 

“I know, you’re right.” He mumbled, back arching into an Ina Bauer. “Thanks for listening to me.” Yuuri softly smiled as he skated to the barriers to get a drink. 

 

“No problem. Just make sure you make yourself heard.” Stephane advised as he picked up his notebook from the bench.

 

Yuuri took a quick drink, then, checked his phone to see two new messages from Victor. 

 

From: Victor 🥰

_ [New Image] _

Father and son both a-okay! Lunch for Mika in the making. See you later 🥰

 

From: Victor 🥰

_ [New Image] _

Lunch time 😍

 

Yuuri fondly smiled, saving both photos before typing out a reply. 

 

To: Victor 🥰

Cute 💕💕 glad you’re both okay :)

 

“Right, so it’s clear that it’s been a while since you’ve done a lot of jumps.” Yuuri nodded in agreement. “You’ve done a few jump combinations, so we’ll give those a rest, probably until tomorrow. Your spins look good, but I think we can get them faster.” Stephane said as Yuuri stretched quickly and got back onto the ice.

 

“Okay. Can we work on the Y spin? I think I want that in for my last season, too.” Yuuri asked as he skated back to the middle of the ice. 

 

“Anything spins, we’ll do today. Anything jumps, we’ll tackle tomorrow.” 

———————————————————————

When Yuuri got home Mika was asleep on Victor’s chest, snoring away as Victor laid down on the sofa. 

 

_ “Tadaima.”  _ Yuuri sighed as he threw his skate bag down on the floor. 

 

_ “Okaeri.”  _ Victor smiled, sitting up and relaxing Mika against his shoulder. “How was training?” Victor asked as Yuuri went over to the kitchen to put his training clothes in the washing machine. 

 

“It was okay.” Yuuri said quietly. “How has he been?” He asked, standing from the washing machine. 

 

“He ate lunch, but he fell straight asleep after. I was going to read a book with him when he woke up but he’s still asleep.” Victor chuckled softly, stroking his hair. “I did actually put him down in his cot, but he wasn’t having it.” Yuuri smiled softly as he gazed at sleeping Mika against Victor’s shoulder. 

 

“That’s good.” Yuuri fondly smiled as Mika shuffled his head into the crook of Victor’s neck. 

 

“Do you want something to eat?” Victor asked, but Yuuri shook his head.

 

“I’m okay. Will you be alright with Mika while I take a nap? I’m quite tired.” He said, giving Mika a kiss on the temple. 

 

“Of course. Go ahead, we’ll be alright.” With a nod and a sigh, Yuuri headed off to his bedroom and closed the door. 

 

_ “Maybe it’s a sign that you should speak up.”  _ Yuuri sighed as he laid down on the bed. But Yuuri didn’t even know what to say or where to start. He just wished Victor was a mind reader because there’s nothing more frustrating than not being understood. 

 

Yuuri’s worst fear was talking and receiving an unsavoury response. What if  _ “have you ever fully forgiven me?”  _ just caused an onslaught of hurt feelings and arguing? Yuuri wouldn’t be able to take all of that again - arguing in front of Mika was absolutely not what Yuuri wanted. So maybe he should just leave it alone. Ignore it entirely. But then it would stew and Yuuri would only grow more distant and doubtful. 

 

Everything was just so confusing and Yuuri was just so uncertain that at this point, Yuuri’s network of self doubts and insecurities was so tangled and knotted together that he didn’t even know  _ what  _ it was he wanted to talk about with Victor anymore. 

 

“Oh, you’re awake, darling?” He heard Victor coo to Mika from the other side of the door. “You’ve just missed momma. He’s gone for a nap.” The way Victor spoke to Mika was so… heartwarming, and for a moment, Yuuri could forget everything on his mind and feel assured that Mika was loved by Victor. “Are you ready to read?” Yuuri’s face spread into a tiny smile as a fatigued  _ “da…”  _ came from their very tired son. 

 

“I picked out this one,” he heard Victor say. “What animal is this, Mika?” Yuuri wondered what book they were reading— 

 

“Tiger!” — but that question seemed to answer itself.  _ “The Tiger Who Came To Tea”.  _ Yuuri smiled softly. Yes, Mika would enjoy that very much. 

 

He listened to the muffled voices of Mika and Victor, going through each line together, and Mika repeating a few of the words. 

 

“Sophie’s mummy said  _ ‘I wonder who that can be.’ _ It can't be the milkman, he came this morning.” Victor read slowly. “Who’s this, baby? It’s the milkman. The milkman.” He repeated, and Yuuri could already see, in his head, Mika’s face of confusion turn to understanding as he listened. 

 

“‘I’kman.” Mika tried to say as Victor chuckled fondly and a tiny, proud smile crossed Yuuri’s face at Mika’s efforts. 

 

“Not quite. Let’s try again.  _ Milkman.”  _ Victor was very patient, Yuuri noticed, and it made Yuuri realise how far he must have pushed Victor’s boundaries during their marriage. Yuuri frowned, letting out a shaky sigh as he turned on his side to face the window. 

 

“Mikman.” 

 

“Better.” Victor said.

 

“And it can't be the boy from the grocer, because this isn’t the day he comes. And it can't be daddy, because he’s got his keys. We’d better open the door and see.” 

 

“Tiger, Tiger!” Mika exclaimed, hands clapping. 

 

“Sophie opened the door and there was a  _ big, furry, stripy  _ tiger.” Victor read aloud. “Well done,  _ solnyshko.  _ You guessed right.” Victor said fondly. 

 

Yuuri laid there, awake and listening to Victor read to Mika. The way they laughed and giggled together reassured Yuuri’s heart - even if Victor would never love Yuuri again, he’d always love Mika. 

 

Yuuri found himself unable to sleep. He tossed and turned on the bed, heavily sighing as he tried to turn his brain off completely - he was so sick and tired of these invasive, depreciating thoughts, thoughts that doubted himself but especially Victor.  _ “I never fell out of love for you, Yuuri,”  _ Victor had once told him, and Yuuri believed it. But through a train wreck that came from overthinking Yuuri struggled to find the truth in that. 

 

Yuuri curled himself up into a ball, tucking his knees up to his chest and he closed his eyes, attempting to drown out the voices in his head. They were loud, overpowering, and Yuuri was just on the verge of tears.  _ “Shut up!”  _ Yuuri told himself as he squeezed his eyes shut. 

 

_ “I just want to sleep.”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chap:   
> Will Yuuri open up to Victor?
> 
> [Don’t forget to join me and Psi on discord!](https://discord.gg/6kJbbUA)


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s a very long, very emotional few days for Yuuri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Don’t forget to join me and Psi on discord here! ](https://discord.gg/6kJbbUA)

Yuuri silently re-emerged from his room an hour later, body sore and stiff, still tired and groggy. He was quiet as he went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water, downing it as his head throbbed. With a heavy sigh, he refilled the glass and reached for the pill cabinet, pouring a concoction of medication into his hand and downed them. Yuuri stood in the kitchen, leaned against the breakfast bar as he stared at the stovetop opposite him. 

 

“Yuuri?” Victor called when he noticed Yuuri in the kitchen. 

 

“Hmm?” 

 

“Are you okay? You seem… quiet.” Victor said, sitting Mika down on the floor before coming over. He had noticed since Yuuri came home from practice that Yuuri had been abnormally quiet. Normally there would be more than one word answers, more words, more conversation starters but today he was just… off. 

 

Yuuri was okay. Or at least, he was until Victor asked. Tears lined his eyes as he clenched his jaw, fists squeezing together. 

 

“Have you ever forgiven me?” Yuuri’s voice was shaky, fragile as he gazed up at Victor pleadingly with tearful eyes. The sight of Yuuri looking so vulnerable and insecure just tugged at Victor's heartstrings. He gave Yuuri a pitiful smile and wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him into a secure embrace. 

 

“Of course I have, you silly goose.” Victor sighed softly, brushing hair out of Yuuri’s face to tuck behind his ears. “How could I not? Seeing you raising Mika, you’re so patient and kind with him, and he’s gorgeous. He’s so well behaved, he’s everything we ever wanted.” Victor smiled, but Yuuri shook his head. 

 

“That’s not what I meant.” Yuuri mumbled. 

 

“What did you mean, darling?” Victor asked, thumb stroking over his cheek. 

 

“I mean…” Yuuri took a breath, trying to force words out of his mouth. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. “I—“ Yuuri swallowed. “After the way I treated you and kicked you aside and… my temper was  _ awful _ . I did nothing but make you feel useless but… but you’re still…  _ here.”  _

 

“Yuuri—“ 

 

“I just don’t understand how you can be so… forgiving. Some part of you doesn’t trust me and some part of you must resent me I know it.” Yuuri fought back tears as his hands covered his face, still wrapped in Victor’s arms. “I just wish you’d tell me straight.” Yuuri was crying, tears streaking his face as his breath hitched with sobs. Victor could only sigh as one arm cupped the back of Yuuri’s neck, holding him close. So that’s what had Yuuri so prickly. 

 

“There’s not a single bone in my body that resents you, Yuuri. For any reason.” Victor reassured softly. “How could I?” He said. “You’re sweet and caring and everything about you is delightful.” Victor smiled fondly. “What happened before… that wasn’t your fault. You know that and so do I. I know your brain tells you things that are wrong and unreasonable, and this is one of them.” Victor softly chuckled, yet Yuuri didn’t feel much better. Something else was looming in the pit of his stomach. 

 

“Yesterday… you said you couldn’t ask me to be a safe place for you to land anymore.” Yuuri murmured through gritted teeth. “You don’t trust me anymore.” And oh, how that stabbed at Victor’s heart. “You don’t trust me to be someone you can rely on because you’re still angry with me.” Yuuri’s head was spinning as he cried. His anxiety was skyrocketing, scared of what Victor would say. Already in his head he could hear the bursts of anger, and the sarcastic comments, and the sadness of Victor’s voice running through his head that were bound to come out of his mouth. “There’s no way you could trust me to raise Mika alone.” Yuuri mumbled, voice muffled through his tears. 

 

“It’s unfair because we aren’t together anymore. How could I burden you with that?” Victor asked, his hand running up and down Yuuri’s back. “I trust you with the world, Yuuri.” Victor smiled fondly. “I would trust only you to raise Mika. After all, you know him best. You know what he needs, what he wants, how to help him. You’ve got the biggest, purest heart when it comes to our son and there’s no one I could be more proud of than you.” But still, Yuuri couldn’t believe it. 

 

“Why do I feel like you’re still angry at me?” Yuuri mumbled through hitched sobs. “Like you’ve never forgiven me?” 

 

“Could it be guilt?” Victor asked in a soft voice. “Maybe it’s you who’s never forgiven me.” Victor said, swallowing a lump in his throat as his brow creased. “Have you, Yuuri? Have you ever fully forgiven me for giving up on you?” Yuuri’s breath hitched. 

 

There it was. 

 

Yuuri thought long and hard. Every time he looked at Victor he could still feel that stinging, burning feeling in his heart. The one that made his throat close up and nerves rise and head spiral. He could still hear that…  _ tone _ . The one of anger, frustration, but most importantly… the tone that told Yuuri their marriage was unsalvageable. It still stung like a  _ bitch.  _ He could still feel it, the exact same way he felt two years ago. And even now, now that he thought about it, he couldn’t help but feel… irate, yet anguished. Betrayed. Victor had left him to pick up the pieces on his own and when he finally thought he was getting himself back together he just  _ had  _ to bump into Victor again and it opened a floodgate of emotions and Yuuri was falling for him  _ again _ , only this time, hoping it would be better. 

 

But it’s not. So far it’s not. He still felt terrified to lose him. He still felt his anxiety skyrocket every time he looked at Victor because he might just turn around and leave again. Victor is better. Victor is better but Yuuri is not. Victor isn’t going to walk out and leave him behind again, this time with Mika, but Yuuri can’t help but think that he will. Something in him will snap and just like that Yuuri has to let him go again. Yuuri is not better. 

 

With a shameful, shaky sigh, Yuuri shook his head. 

 

Victor felt his heart break in two but still, he can’t find it in himself to blame Yuuri. How could he? With a deflated sigh, Victor gently pried Yuuri’s hands away from his face and offered him a soft smile. Yuuri just cried again, harder, sobbing against Victor’s chest. Victor embraced him tighter, hushing him softly in an attempt to encourage him to calm down. Yuuri’s hands found themselves gripping Victor’s back, pulling at his shirt and digging his nails into his flesh. 

 

“It’s okay,” Victor reassured, but he could do nothing but feel Yuuri cry. “To be honest I never expected your forgiveness, purely because I’d hurt you so much. If you could forgive me, that’d be just… I’d be so happy. But if you never do, I understand.” Victor ran his hand softly through Yuuri’s hair, and Yuuri could feel Victor’s heart racing against his ear. He inhaled a trembling breath, releasing it slowly as he listened to the pounding of Victor’s heart. 

 

“I still love you, Yuuri. I’m still  _ in love  _ with you. And I’m not saying that because I expect you to love me too, or because I expect you to fall back in love with me. I’m telling you because you deserve to know someone loves you. Even if that person is me, someone you might never be able to fully forgive.” Yuuri could hear the edge in Victor’s voice, he could hear the way it quivered, as if he were in the verge of tears. 

 

_ “I’m still in love with you too.” _ Yuuri wanted to say, but he knew that those words would hold no power if he couldn’t find it in himself to be less bitter, less angry and less resentful about how their marriage broke down. But he can’t help the way his mind thinks and the words they tell him. They just won’t drown out.

 

“I feel so alone.” Yuuri mumbled, moments later. 

 

“Why?” 

 

“There’s no one by my side. Everything I do I do alone. I have no one to go out and see, I have no one to kiss my forehead and tell me I’m doing well. I have no one to watch Mika grow up with.” Yuuri swallowed. “You’re barely with us and I hate it. It’s quiet and lonely and I miss everything about you.” Yuuri sniffled, fingers digging into Victor’s back again. “I lied when I said it was enough just knowing you’re here.” Yuuri murmured. “It’s not. We both miss you and we both need you and I wish I could just be selfish for once.” Victor’s heart cracked even more at Yuuri’s wish.

 

Being held by Victor was so incredibly comforting. Feeling Victor’s warmth enveloping his body, feeling Victor’s chest rise and fall with each steady breath against his head Yuuri’s heavy breaths and teary sobs slowly coming to a halt. Yuuri finally managed to let it all out, closing his eyes as he sighed tiredly against Victor’s body, the warm embrace washing him over with a sense of security that he hadn’t felt in  _ years.  _

 

“I’m sorry.” Victor said after a few moments of Yuuri’s silent tears.

 

“It’s not your fault.” Yuuri mumbled as his fingertips drew soft circles on the small of Victor’s back. “I just have to live with it. There’s nothing we can do about it.” 

 

“I’m trying, Victor.” Yuuri’s voice said after a few moments of silence, almost in a whisper. 

 

“I know.” 

 

“It’s just… taking me longer than I hoped.” 

 

“I understand.” 

 

“So… you really do forgive me?” Yuuri asked pleadingly, eyes gazed up at Victor, watery and big. 

 

“Of course I do.” Victor fondly smiled. 

 

“I’m sorry.” 

 

“I love you so much, Yuuri.” 

 

“I know.” 

 

Yuuri sighed as he relaxed against Victor’s chest, inhaling heavily as the smell of chamomile and honey filled his nose, Victor’s comforting pheromones blanketing his body. He could feel Victor’s fingers against the back of his neck, running up and down his back in a soothing manner as he took deep breaths. 

 

“Feeling better?” Yuuri nodded, lifting his head off of Victor’s shoulder. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Yuuri mumbled again. 

 

“Yuuri, stop.” Victor said with a tiny smile, his hand cupping his cheek. “I get it. I’m not mad. I guess you could say I’m more relieved. I know you still need time to heal, and you’ll get there, I know you will.” Victor sighed softly. “But for now, let’s sit down with our son, spend some time with him, and teach him.” Yuuri nodded. “We aren’t perfect, Yuuri. We aren’t supposed to be. We aren’t even conventional parents, but even so Mika deserves the best. We’ll give him that.” Yuuri nodded again, a tiny smile crossing his lips. 

 

“Thank you, Victor.” Yuuri sniffled. “For being patient with me.” 

 

“You’ve been nothing short of patient with me, too.” Victor softly sighed, grasping Yuuri’s hand to rub his thumb in soft motions. “Now come on, I think Mika might be getting bored.” Victor chuckled, releasing Yuuri’s hands. With a tender smile and a soft sigh, Yuuri followed Victor to the sitting room. 

 

Yuuri honestly felt much better with everything off his chest. He felt less tired, less heavy, and the tension between them had simmered away. 

 

“M-I-K-A.” Yuuri cooed, moving the wooden blocks into a like. “Mika.” 

 

“‘Ika!” Yuuri chuckled softly as Victor wore a proud smile, stroking Mika’s hair. 

 

“Close.” Yuuri said. “Try again - Mika.” 

 

“‘Ika!” 

 

“Guess teaching him  _ Mikaela  _ would be pointless at the moment, wouldn’t it?” Yuuri laughed softly, but there was no response from Victor. Yuuri frowned. Maybe Victor was angry with him after all. “Victor?” 

 

“Hmm?” 

 

“Are you mad at me?” Yuuri asked, watching Victor’s face contort from contemplation to confusion. 

 

“What? No, no, I already told you I wasn’t.” His smile was soft, reassuring, and Yuuri let out a sigh of relief. 

 

“Oh.” Yuuri sighed. “It’s just that you were quiet and I didn’t know if you were secretly mad at me or what.” He mumbled, gently squeezing Mika’s hands as he sat between Yuuri’s legs. 

 

“No. I’m not.” Victor assured him. “I was just… thinking.” Yuuri tilted his head and raised a brow in query, that Victor immediately understood. “You opened up to me. Properly. You didn’t lie to me and you didn’t keep things to yourself.” Victor could see the soft glow on Yuuri’s cheeks, accompanied by a faint smile and god, he was so cute. Just like Mika. “I know it’s hard for you to trust me. But you still trusted me to listen. That makes me happy.” Victor said, running his hand through Yuuri’s soft hair. 

 

“What if I never get there?” Yuuri murmured quietly, brow furrowed in worry as he watched Mika contently stacking blocks. “How can I even come close to being an example of a good person, of a good parent if I can’t even… let go of something that happened years ago?” Yuuri sighed. “Every time I look at you I can— I feel exactly how I did that day. I’ve never forgotten how it feels and it makes me so…  _ frustrated _ .” Victor could feel the tension radiating off Yuuri as he deflated, hand releasing Yuuri’s. “I can’t let that feeling go.” He mumbled. “And that’s… I guess that’s why I’ve never been able to fully forgive you.” Tears lined Yuuri’s eyes again as Victor wrapped a blanket, pulled off the sofa, around his shoulders. “For so long I convinced myself that I was ready to forget it all. Forget it all happened and just try to enjoy having you back but the more I thought about it the more I realised I just can’t do that.” Yuuri was crying again, hands covering his face as tears streaked his cheeks. 

 

“Amma?” Mika turned to face him, head tilted in confusion at his crying mother. “Amma…” Tears began to line Mika’s eyes, Victor could see as his bottom lip quivered. Yuuri stared at Mika through teary eyes, who was puzzled by the sight of his usually strong-standing mother suddenly crying. Yuuri opened his arms, enveloping the small child in his arms, one hand on the back of his head and the other on his back. 

 

Victor could do nothing but watch Yuuri cry. Once again he felt powerless to help him, and he was lost for what to do. All he could do was sit there and hold his arm around Yuuri’s shoulders, free hand on his waist.  Victor was the source of Yuuri’s pain, past and present, and Victor would be lying if he said that the thought of leaving again, sparing Yuuri more hurt and more pain didn’t cross his mind. 

 

Victor could understand. Yuuri truly did crave his company, but when he finally had said company, it tore open up a series of old wounds. Yet no matter how much it aches and stings and burns Yuuri  _ still  _ wants him there. Now certain of himself, Victor’s arms wrapped around Yuuri’s body more firmly from behind, his beating heart against Yuuri’s back as a blanket of warmth, safety, security draped over Yuuri’s body. 

 

Yuuri wasn’t sure whether it was just one of those days where everything was overwhelming, or whether his conversation with Victor actually  _ triggered  _ this onslaught of anxiety and doubt and insecurity, or perhaps even a combination of both. He hadn’t felt like this in months, at least. For months he hadn’t needed to take antidepressants, antipsychotics, and anxiety medication all in one day until today. His head was spinning and there was so much to process that it throbbed and ached. 

 

But then he felt Victor draped against his back, smelling like honey and apples and chamomile, breathing slowly in his ear, heart beating against his back. And throughout all of their hardships, their divorce, and the deep, eternal scars left behind on Yuuri’s heart he would always remember exactly how comforting it was to have Victor like this, holding him close, saying absolutely nothing, doing nothing but hold him, and it would always be his favourite feeling in the world. 

 

Yuuri could smell Mika, too, a product of what was once their love for one another. He smelt sweet, a perfect mix of both parents, and the sugary cotton candy and honey scent filled his nose, calming him down ever so slightly. Mika was so tiny in his arms, yet this tiny bundle had such a big heart, and a huge influence on Yuuri. 

 

“Amma?” Mika mumbled in query as his fists gripped Yuuri’s chest. 

 

“I’m okay,  _ solnyshko _ .” Yuuri promised, kissing the top of his head. Yuuri sniffled and let out a shaky breath as the tears slowly stopped falling. 

 

“It’s okay if you never get there.” Victor said, playing with the locks of Yuuri’s hair at the base of his neck, fingers just brushing the covered bond mark. “As long as we can stay civil, for Mika’s sake, that’s all I’m asking for.” Victor let out a deflated sigh, heart dropping as he swallowed. 

 

“Can I have a hug?”

 

“Always, my love.” Victor’s smile was faint, yet pained as he shuffled a little bit to envelope Yuuri completely in his arms. He could feel the tension radiating from Yuuri as his chin rested on Yuuri’s shoulder, cheeks pressed together. Yuuri visibly relaxed against him, body falling limp against his chest. “Better?” Yuuri shook his head. “Anything I can do to help?” Yuuri shook his head again. “Would you just like to sit here and cuddle?” Yuuri nodded. “Okay then.” 

 

Victor sighed softly, smiling a little as Yuuri leaned back against him, relaxing against Victor’s body as Mika sat on his mother’s knee, alphabet blocks occupying his hands. “Feeling better now?” Victor asked after a few silent minutes. Yuuri nodded. 

 

“Thank you.” Yuuri mumbled, sighing shakily.

 

“Are you hungry?” Asked Victor as his hand rested on Yuuri’s arm, squeezing gently as his hand ran up and down his upper arm. Yuuri nodded. “We can order take out?” Yuuri nodded again. Victor pulled out his phone from his pocket, and did a quick search. 

 

“I’m going to make Mika dinner. Let me know when you’ve found something.” Victor nodded as Yuuri stood up from the floor and picked Mika up, moving him into Victor’s lap.

———————————————————————

It had been a very rough, very emotional evening for Yuuri, so the next morning when his phone exploded with notifications and articles from  _ everyone  _ he couldn’t help but throw his phone across the room and tuck himself back under the covers. He didn’t dare to open  _ anything  _ on his phone at the moment. Yuuri grumbled and closed his eyes again, sighing in frustration. 

 

Yuuri was content to just lie in bed forever… until Victor knocked on his door. 

 

“Come in.” He said, sitting up as Victor opened the door. “Morning.” Yuuri smiled fondly as Victor stood by the doorway. 

 

“Morning, Yuuri.” Victor smiled back. “I umm... I saw this today.” Victor said, holding out his phone for Yuuri to see. He didn’t even have to read the headline to know what it was about. 

 

“Oh. Yeah. I saw it this morning and… threw my phone over there.” Yuuri said sheepishly as his head nodded towards the other side of the room. 

 

“Did you read it?” Yuuri shook his head. “Do you want to read it?” Yuuri shook his head again.

 

“Don’t read it if you don’t want to.” Yuuri said quietly. “I don’t really want to know what anyone is speculating.” He huffed. “I just wanted to share a picture of my son walking.” Yuuri said, laying back down and turning away from Victor. 

 

“Can I sit?” 

 

“Go ahead.” Victor sat himself down at the door of the bed. 

 

“I already read it.” Victor said as Yuuri turned back around to face him. 

 

“Oh.” 

 

“Do you want to know what it says?” Yuuri thought for a moment, then shook his head. 

 

“No.” Yuuri mumbled. “I don’t really want to know what they think.” Yuuri said quietly. 

 

“Okay… well… do you want breakfast?” Victor asked, standing from the bed. 

 

“Yes please.” Yuuri turned back towards Victor and gave a soft smile. 

 

“I’ll call you when it’s ready.” Yuuri nodded, and Victor headed for the doorway. 

 

“Victor?” 

 

“Hmm?” 

 

“What did they say about you?” Yuuri asked as Victor was about to leave. Victor sighed. 

 

“Well they said that they’d recognise  _ “his child’s”  _ blue eyes anywhere, and that  _ “of course Victor Nikiforov is his father,”. _ And then there’s a lot of  _ “does Victor know about his son”  _ and  _ “did Yuuri keep him a secret from Victor”  _ too.” Victor mumbled. “Oh, and  _ “did Victor abandon his pregnant husband?” _ Yeah. There’s that too.” Yuuri felt himself deflate. 

 

“Oh.” 

 

“It’s… it’s not pleasant to read.” Victor said, and Yuuri could see how hurt he was by it. What else had the article said? Part of Yuuri wanted to know. Yuuri climbed off the bed and enveloped Victor in his arms. “Please don’t read it.” Victor pleaded as he wrapped his arms around Yuuri’s waist. 

 

“Are you okay?” Yuuri asked, pulling back a  little. 

 

“Yeah.” Victor smiled reassuringly, his hand coming to cup Yuuri’s cheek as his thumb brushed the surface. “Breakfast?” Yuuri nodded gratefully. 

 

“Yes, please.” 

 

But all morning Yuuri couldn’t stop thinking about what Victor had said  _ \- “Did Victor abandon his pregnant husband?” Yeah. There’s that too.”  _ Yuuri sighed heavily. He couldn’t help but feel guilty all over again. It wasn’t all Victor’s fault that Yuuri suffered through his pregnancy alone. Victor didn’t know they were pregnant and expecting a son when their marriage broke apart. Heck, even Yuuri didn’t know. And now he had to read that article. 

 

In the midst of Yuuri’s thoughts, a plate of pancakes was put in front of him. 

 

“Thanks for breakfast, Victor.” He smiled fondly. Victor kissed his forehead.

 

“My pleasure.” Victor sat down, putting a plate in front of Mika. Mika’s own plate had a stack of mini pancakes, accompanied by some cubed fruit and a tiny fork to match. 

 

“Victor?” 

 

“Hmm?” 

 

“That article… did they talk about Mika?” Victor visibly prickled up, eyes dropping to stare at the pancakes on his plate. 

 

“Don’t read it, Yuuri. Don’t even think about it.” Victor said, his tone warning and protective. Yuuri felt himself flinch at the souring smell coming from Victor, but he quickly relaxed. Had that been said in such a tone to Yuuri by anyone else, it would have scared him, but it didn’t. Yuuri knew there was something about Victor that always made him feel safe, yet despite Victor’s warning, he wanted to know what it had said about his family. 

 

Part of him was scared shitless. There was no doubt that it would send his mind spiralling and his anxiety shoot through the roof but… he couldn’t help but wonder what things had been speculated about him and Victor, or even about Mika. Yuuri bit his lip in worry. 

 

“I know what you’re thinking.” Victor said, catching Yuuri’s attention. “You’ve got that curious, yet worried look.” Victor observed as Yuuri huffed in amusement. 

 

“Of course you do.” Yuuri chuckled fondly. “I know I shouldn’t read it.” Yuuri sighed. “It’ll just upset me and ruin my day.” 

 

“We used to have articles written about us all the time.” Victor reminded. 

 

“I know.” Yuuri said. “But they were about how… strong we were and how powerful we were. This one sounds more like it’s… hateful.” Yuuri mumbled quietly as he flitted a glance towards Mika. 

 

“We’re still those same people.”

 

“No, we aren’t.” Yuuri expressed, brow creased as he looked almost… frail. Hurt. But of course such publicity would hurt him. Even good publicity made Yuuri uncomfortable. “We aren’t that same strong couple people used to look up to and admire anymore.” Victor could see the tears lining Yuuri’s eyes and the way his lip quivered in weakness. “We’re just…” Yuuri shrugged. “I don’t even know anymore.” 

 

“But we could be. One day we might. You know how I feel about you.” Victor murmured, but Yuuri shook his head. 

 

“No, we couldn’t.” Yuuri protested tiredly. “As much as I love you too at the end of the day it all comes back down to trust and…” Yuuri shrugged again. “You broke mine.” Yuuri could see the way Victor deflated out of the corner of his eye. His shoulders fell and his face fell, eyes dark as he went quiet. 

 

“I know.” Mumbled Victor as his heart skipped a beat.  _ Yuuri still loves him _ . “And I’m sorry.” 

 

“Sorry doesn’t cut it, Victor.” Yuuri murmured. “It’s not an apology I want from you.” 

 

“What do you want from me?” 

 

“I don’t know.” Yuuri sighed. “I haven’t figured that out.” He mumbled as he finished the last of his breakfast. “I have to go. I’ll be back later.” 

———————————————————————

 

**_Skater Katsuki Reveals For The First Time The Face Of His Son In An Emotional Photo Of His First Steps_ **

 

_ Fans were in awe as Grand Prix Final Champion, former World Champion, and former husband of world famed Victor Nikiforov, Yuuri Katsuki shared a photo of his unnamed son’s first steps.  _

 

_ The former Katsuki-Nikiforov’s announced their divorce over two years ago now, yet fans can’t help but notice the uncanny resemblance between Katsuki’s son and Victor Nikiforov. “We’d recognise those eyes anywhere,” fans say as they speculate whether or not Katsuki did, indeed, give birth to Nikiforov’s son, and whether or not Nikiforov knew of his existence.  _

 

_ However Katsuki’s son looks barely eighteen months. Is it possible that Katsuki was pregnant before the infamous divorce? Did Victor Nikiforov abandon his pregnant husband, or did Yuuri Katsuki hide his pregnancy and son?  _

 

_ Both are a possibility.  _

 

_ There has been lots of talk on why the couple divorced; could Yuuri’s son be the reason? Rumour has it that Nikiforov had no desire for children, much to the dismay and disappointment of Katsuki, who likely, was already with child by the time they split.  _

 

_ The divorce was finalised shortly before the 2018 World Championships, where neither Katsuki nor Nikiforov participated, despite their very much anticipated performances. It is said that Yuuri Katsuki did not fight for anything regarding properties or possessions with Nikiforov, which could have resulted in a quick break, and a quick break would mean it would be easier for Katsuki to hide his pregnancy.  _

 

_ But could it also be that Katsuki was unfaithful, which resulted in both a divorce from Nikiforov and a child? Or could the child have been conceived by someone else after the divorce? Hospital records for Yuuri Katsuki exist from May 2018, two months after their split, however there are no details open to the public of the stay, meaning that these theories too, could be plausible.  _

 

_ However many disagree. Allegedly, many fans can recognise the bright cyan eyes that Yuuri’s child had, and can come from no one other than Victor Nikiforov, which leads everyone back to the first two theories discussed.  _

 

_ Could the father of Yuuri Katsuki’s child really be Victor Nikiforov? And if so, why have neither of them shared such information that is considered to be so significant to the community?  _

 

_ There has also been many comments concerning the growth of Yuuri’s son. While no one knows for sure when he was born, he certainly does not seem to be as fast developing. We first caught glimpses of him almost nine months ago, when the child looked just under a year old. However now, nine months later, he is only just taking his first steps.  _

 

_ Whilst on the topic of Yuuri’s son, fans have called into question Yuuri’s parenting. It is not unknown that Yuuri brings his child to every skating competition, but is that really a good idea? Both mother and son are constantly on the move and are yet to permanently settle down into a place they call home. Will not having a stable environment affect Yuuri’s son later?  _

 

_ Perhaps Victor Nikiforov and Yuuri Katsuki can help us fill in the blanks. _

 

Yuuri’s phone fell from his shaking hands, hitting the wooden floorboards with a dull thud. He didn’t care what they said about him and Victor’s relationship, or even about their speculations of Yuuri’s supposed infidelity. But to make digs at Yuuri’s parenting and pick apart their nineteen-month old son and comment on his development was  _ malicious  _ and nothing short of spiteful. Yuuri felt his heart shatter to pieces. People could be so cruel. 

 

Yuuri’s lip quivered as he tried to fight back tears, sniffling as he thought about his innocent son. Yuuri started sobbing, tears falling from his eyes and staining his tears as he sniffled. He could feel his throat closing up, knees tucking themselves up to his chest as he bawled his eyes out, fists squeezing together in anger and frustration. 

 

“You read it, didn’t you?” A voice sighed above him. Yuuri lifted his head, blinking away tears to see Victor stood at the doorway, arms folded as he leaned against the doorframe. Immediately Yuuri opened his arms for a hug, and Victor came over with a pitiful sigh. Victor stood tall above him, protective, almost, arms draped around his shoulders as Yuuri wrapped his arms around him. It was so comforting to have Victor here. There was no way he would have been okay alone. 

 

Yuuri sighed and sobbed until his throat was hoarse and his eyes were dry and his head pounded. He let Victor go. 

 

“Feeling better?” Yuuri shook his head. With a tiny smile, Victor quickly left the room. “Come on, baby, up.” Victor cooed, and Yuuri could just about hear him through his tears. “Good boy.” It took Victor a minute or so to return but when he did, their little son was stood by his side, holding Victor’s hand. A faint smile immediately cracked across Yuuri’s face as Victor put Mika down in his lap. Yuuri’s arms instantly enveloped their son as he released a shaky sigh. “How about now?” Victor asked as he sat down on the bed next to Yuuri. Yuuri nodded, smiling tiredly as Mika’s tiny hands gripped at his shirt. 

 

“Don’t listen to them, Yuuri.” Victor encouraged. 

 

“It’s hard not to when I’m so doubtful of everything already.” Yuuri mumbled, his hand stroking through Mika’s hair. “But that isn’t the point.” Yuuri huffed. 

 

“I know.” Victor said, squeezing Yuuri’s shoulder. “But look. He’s happy, he’s healthy, he’s loves you so much, and it’s clear you love him too.” Victor smiled reassuringly. “Why does it matter what anyone else thinks?” Yuuri scoffed. 

 

“Easy for you to say.” He mumbled. “It’s not your parenting that everyone is questioning.” It shouldn’t have struck a nerve because it was true, but it did. Victor couldn’t help but take it personally, especially after their conversation the previous evening, about Victor’s lack of presence. In fact, no one even knew for sure that Victor  _ was  _ a parent. 

 

“That’s not exactly my fault.” Victor said quietly, brow creased. 

 

“I know it isn’t.” Yuuri mumbled. “It’s just… You've never had to prove you’re worthy to anyone. People just look at you and bow at your feet.” Yuuri huffed, almost bitterly. 

 

“I had to work hard, too, you know.” Victor sighed. 

 

“I never said you didn’t.” Yuuri protested. “I just said you’ve never had to prove your worth to anyone.” Yuuri murmured. ”Whereas I’m constantly still trying to prove even to myself that I’m worth more than what I’m credited for. You never won a gold medal and were still outshined and overshadowed by your husband. Of course it doesn’t matter to you what other people say.” Yuuri spat. Victor felt his heart sink. 

 

“Is that how you saw it?” 

 

“How could I not?” Yuuri gritted his teeth and sniffled. “Even when I was holding a gold medal that belonged to me I was still nothing compared to my husband.” Victor pulled a tissue from the box on the bedside table to dab Yuuri’s face dry. “Even when that gold medal was an Olympic medal people were still more interested in  _ skater Katsuki’s husband _ .” Tears were streaking Yuuri’s face again, and Mika’s head tilted up to look at him, eyes wide and sorrowful. 

 

“You’ve never told me that before.” Victor wrapped his arm around Yuuri’s back again, his hand fiddling with Yuuri’s hair as his head dropped to Victor’s shoulder. 

 

“How could I?” Yuuri asked shamefully. “I was envious of my own husband.” He sobbed into Victor’s shoulder. “Now do you understand why it matters to me what other people think?” Yuuri sniffled. “And to top it off they’re picking apart my son, too.” Yuuri spat angrily. Victor let Yuuri cry for a little while, picking up the bottle of water from the bedside table and opening it up for him. 

 

“I think you’re amazing.” Victor reassured quietly, his nose brushing Yuuri’s hair. “You’re the strongest parent I’ve ever known. You’re raising our son to be just like you. Considerate and sweet, with a heart of gold. You’ve taught him his manners in three different languages. He’s well behaved, too.” Victor comforted. “You’ve spent so long worrying about what other people think of you that you’ve forgotten to take a step back and appreciate yourself.” Victor sighed pitifully. 

 

“I can’t help it.” Yuuri cried, tears falling from his face and hitting Mika’s head. 

 

“Amma… Amma okay?” Mika pouted up at Yuuri with beautiful cerulean eyes glazed over with worry. 

 

“I’m okay,  _ solnyshko.”  _ Yuuri sighed. “I have you, afterall.” Yuuri gave him a teary smile, his thumb gently brushing over Mika’s cheek. Victor slid off the bed and knelt down on the floor in front of Yuuri. Two hands grasped his face, gently guiding him to look at Victor. His thumbs rubbed Yuuri’s cheeks, wiping away tears as Victor had that tender, loving smile on his face. 

 

“Our baby smiles and laughs. He eats, he sleeps, he moves, he talks. He has so many charming features that the fact that he’s small or maybe takes more time than other kids to develop doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter to us, does it?” Yuuri shook his head. 

 

“I’m just angry.” Yuuri mumbled. “To sit and make horrible comments about a toddler is just cruel.” Yuuri sniffled again, his arms tightening around Mika. 

 

“I know it is.” Victor sighed. “But is what they said really important if we know that he’s happy and healthy?” Yuuri shook his head. 

 

“It isn’t. But it’s the fact that people can be so…  _ awful _ . What if Mika understood this?” Yuuri exclaimed, eyes glazed over with tears. 

 

“Then we would explain to him that sometimes people write things that aren’t very nice.” Victor said quietly. “It doesn’t mean they’re true, and it doesn’t change who he is as a person. As our son. And as long as he remains humble and kind, what other people have to say will never be important.” Yuuri let out a shaky, fatigued sigh as Victor’s hand moved from his face to brush some hair away behind his ear. Yuuri nodded, giving him a tiny smile. 

 

“Feel better?” Yuuri nodded. 

 

“I shouldn’t have read it.” Yuuri mumbled. 

 

“You had every right to.” Victor stood up and pressed a comforting kiss to Yuuri’s forehead. “Now come on, get dressed, I’m going to treat you to dinner.” 

 

And for once, Yuuri didn’t protest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Don’t forget to join me and Psi on discord here! ](https://discord.gg/6kJbbUA)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Gift Art] With What We Once Had](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18826960) by [ayawanderlust](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayawanderlust/pseuds/ayawanderlust)




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